Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami


Sex and Violence... and stupid

Hey everyone, it's fun to stay at the Y-A-G-A-M-I. Alright, the capslock titles seems to be gone all together, this chapter is called «Dark and noami in England.» Sure, it's misspelled, but it's better than... well, a lot of other titles thus far. The author notes states as following: THIS CHAPTER IS MORE GRAFFIC BUT STILL T RATED! Well, if his previous sad attempts at writing anything resembling lemon is to be any indication, I wouldn't hide the daughter, shoot the sons and bring out the guns. Or rather, you could bring out the guns, I suppose. It strikes me as I type this how absurd using so much time to pick apart the works of some stranger. Well, I've done worse, like the time... well this is no time for stories, this is Letsblog time.

So, Naomi & Dark rocket through the tunnel, apparently emerging right next to Big Ben. Y'all remember Eurotrip? Once, I thought the whole «London is like the suburb of Berlin»-thing was an excaggeration, but you know what? I think we have the geography fail version of Poe's Law at work here. Not that I should be surprised. Anyway, Dark causes some property damage, again without any semblance of adhering to the rules of physics or common decency, before the two decide to settle down for the night. But how will Dark overcome the mighty language barrier? Not like there is one, but: “Good day” chipped up Dark pretending to talk British. Chipped up? Is that meant to mean anything? I'm fairly proficient at understanding British accents, or lame attempts at mock Britness, but this one has me one hundred percent stumped. Well, not to drive myself completely insane, I will swiftly move on in the story. Dark, again without stopping to explain how he achieved the funds to do so, rents a hotel room that, well, the description speaks for itself.

The room was like the size of a airplane garage and the walls were mad of gold and rubberys. In the middle of the crapet which was all tartan was a bed that was the big as a truck. It was made with gold blankets and goose feathers inside it and the mints on the pillow were dead posh and it had Magic Fingers too. Dark eated both the mints because he was like L and ate candies. Ok... gold and rubberys. Do I want to know what that last part is supposed to be? I know it's probably rubies, but I'm afraid it just might be something infinitely worse. Also, what hotel is this meant to be? I know that's a rather minor complaint, but honestly, a room like the one described? Or even close? I'm not sure there's a hotel in all of Great Britain that's this ridiculously posh. Oh, and Dark has seemingly canibalized one of L's traits, again the author seems to think it's best to just say characters have this and that character trait and pretend he always had it.

So, what happens next? Gee, a woman and the authors favorite Marty Stu sex god, alone in a hotel room? I sure do wonder what could come out of this. Well, you can't hear me sighing, but trust me, dear readers, I am. As the oddest sort of fore-foreplay I've ever heard about, Dark grows a moustache. No, that's not an euphemism, although I could forgive you for thinking so. Dark Yagami simply concentrates and spontaneously grows a decent moustache. I know people that, if they didn't hate him already, hard to believe as it is, would be ready to kill Dark and feed him to rabid pitbulls, not necessarily in that order, for that particular... feat. Oh, and the author confused Naoim for Takada, which as far as stupidity goes is... rather mild, actually. The next scene... just, the next scene... Dark had read a book about sexing and also done it a few times so he knew the drill. Noami was still a verging though and thats why see dumped Ray for Dark. She was surpised at Darks man thingy because it was big than Rays by about seventeen times. Ray wood often take his pants of and show her but not use it cos dark was bigger and scarred him.Dark did the sexy thing and they both liked it especially dark. Then he did a thing he read in a book but it didnt taste good so he stopped but noami licked it so they kept going.They sexed all night so much they didnt have to sleep. Dark had a shower and Naomi needed two just in case.

You know what? I can excuse a lot of stupidity from this fic, but this is severely pushing it. Let's just take it piece by piece, shall we? Ok... Dark has had sex a couple of times... yeah, apparently including with... nope, unwritten, does no longer exist. So, Naomi, again misspelled, is a virgin, I would assume, and dumped her husband because of that? I can see a few scenarios where dumping could be done because someone WASN'T a virgin, but even in this age of frivolous divorces, I struggle to see why this... no, you know, I don't want to think any more about it. You know why? Because in the very next sentence, we yet again discuss the main character of the story, the real main character, I mean, Dark's humongous wang. I'm aware there's no exact measurements available, a fact I appriciate and suspect my dear readers might too, but 17 times larger? I'm no doctor, but that sounds ridiculous, no wait, it IS ridiculous. Well, the Logic Bomb that follows is something to behold, too. Ray Penber, FBI agent, not only knows about Dark, but also is so intimidated by his overpoweringly huge penis that he dares not have intercourse with his own wife. That's not how men work, that's not how anything works. Oh, and finally, the sex scene is about as sexy as it's not confusing, that should really say it all.

So, the two suit up and go to kill Near, who is... well nearby. I know, the «puns» are driving me insane too. They encounter him, dressed as... a chimney sweep? Hm, L might be the master of stealth, but Near certainly is the master of disguises. So, Dark responds to this masterfull disguise by coshing him over the head with a cosh. Now, this confused me for a little while, and I actually had to check it out, but it turns out that indeed, both coshing and cosh are real words, and although he'll get no points for creating a believable Britain from me, it certainly shows a certain will to try, if nothing else.

Of course, the author immediately lose any and all points granted to him when he, in the very next scene, starts off with yet another Near-joke. Oh, and the author threw in a (GET IT!) ... great. Anyway, Near finds himself in Dark's warehouse, again where did he get the money for all of this? So, Dark tries to blow up Near with a bomb, but... fails? How in the world can you fail to kill someone with a bomb? Sure, if the bomb fizzles or misfires or whatever it could make some semblance of sense, but if that happens, that's what you write. You can't just write that someone fails to kill someone else with a bomb. Instead of just killing the pun-attracting whippersnapper, though, Dark goes to the backroom to continue the copious shagging of Naomi. What? Is he turning Dark into a second-rate horny Bond-villain now?

Dark walked into the bedroom at the back of the wharehouse were the bed and the hot tub was. Naomi was waiting and she was even nakeder than earlier expect for her dressing gown. Naked, you keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means. Yeah, I know, re-used joke, but come on, this guy keeps throwing them at me. Dark and Naomi exchanges something that when not written by a sex-crazed fanfic writer, could almost be considered semi-romantic pillow talk. Either that, or my standards have been slowly drained since I started writing, and I am doomed to start sniffeling at Anakin's «I hate sand»-speech, just what I needed.

So, Dark knocks Near out and apparently transports him to the other warehouse he owns, where he continues to beat up Near. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen, beating up defenseless people, destroying buildings, cars and anything nuclear, lovely gardener. Well, the scene goes like so: “I built this dungeons (cosh) when watarmi (cosh) was queen (cohs) to keep my prisoners in(cosh). It is over six million years old (c0sh) and guy forks (cosh) was shooted in this very room (cos). DO (cosh) YOU (cosh) WANT (cosh) TO (cosh) BE (cosh) NECKS?” Ok, first of all YOU! FAIL! AT! PUNCTUATED! POUNDING!, secondly, how old is this place really? I mean, if the mangeled timeline is to believed, Watari hasn't become queen yet, since this happens 4 3 a couple of days before Dark's ascension to king of the world, and even if it had happened after, it simply couldn't be six million years old, neither could Guy Fawkes, I'm asuming that's who he means, get shot in there, perticularily because he didn't get shot.

So, L calls Dark to negotiate for Near's release, the negotiations fail and Dark then takes the whole crew on a tube to Wales. Yeah, yeah, I know, just go with it, it's gonna get worse before it... gets worse again. “Why are we hear?” asked Noami. “BECAUSE... I NEED TO FIND MY SISTER.” “Your sister is sayu and she is at home with misa lesbeaning.” rumored Near. “No, my other sister...... NIGHT YAGAMI!” Fuck no! You're not doing this author, you just are not doing this. You can't just pull yet another Yagami sibling out of your ass, narrative structure and stories in general does just not work this way. I don't care if this Night Yagami is an actually interesting character, I don't care if she's well-writen and sympathic, although I find that increasingly difficult to believe, you just can't... do this. Nothing up to this point even hinted at more Yagamis being present, I see no reason to even include another horrible abomination of a character, pushing anyone even resembling the original cast back, either into obscurity, poorly defined antagonism or mindless sex-droneness. I keep saying this, but honestly, this is a new low. Why include yet another character? I'd answer, but honestly, I have no fucking clue where the author is going with this, and that's not in the «Gee, this is so masterfully crafted one might never fully see where we are going untill we're there»-way either, no it's more in the «a drunk chimp with a teleporter in Ry'leh is easier to predict than what insanity the author decides to indulge in next.»

So, tune in next time, when I find out if there's more creepy incestous sex to be had, if this Night Yagami is as bad as I fear and if the madness will ever end. Now, if you would excuse me, I think I need to lay down for a little while, or read something that isn't shit. I've been considering to do a more serious LB of that Dracula sequel that just came out, maybe there's salvation to be found there... or not