Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami


Shinigami royal switcheroo

Yagamitime, wooo! This chapter is called “SAYU GETS A PLANE.” If this was meant to read “plan” or if the young Ms. Yagami actually attains one of these wonders of aerodynamic engineering, I do not know, but I suspect I’ll find out, wonderful. On the bright side, if it’s actually plane, I can do the “I’ve had it with these motherfucking anime characters on this motherfucking plane” … although the only motherfu… no, you know what, I’m not doing that joke. The sentence it refers to is dead, or even better unwritten, it never existed. In the authors notes, the author tells us how immensely popular his fic is, something tells me no-one has informed him of the wonderful world of Bile Fascination. You know, the very thing that motivates me to do this liveblog. But I digress. Armed with the soothing tones of jazz, it’s me against Chapter 9, I’m starting to consider if Mortal Kombat would be a better soundtrack.

So, the fic continues where it left off, with super-sized Shinigami Dark in New York. That monser was Dark Yagami who was calld Da’urq but is not (AN: IT WAS TOO HARD TO SpELL LOL!) So he is called Da’urq, but he isn’t? On the bright side, I’m glad the author decided to skip the name, although spelling it shouldn’t be his first worry, given that he in the first paragraph alone has enough spelling errors to kill your average English teacher. So, we jump to L, Light and… Atari? Ok, I’ll admit, as far as spelling mistakes goes, this could be a lot worse but still. The three are still falling, and it’s here the author gives us his rather unnerving look on cause and effect. “How did I get in this mess lover?” asked L and they shot passed a skycraper because they were gay and did slash. Ok, the author displays some level of cosmic homophobia which wouldn’t scare me half as much hadn’t it been for that I’m willing to bet my beard to Cthulhu himself that the only reason L is gay is to make him more of a villain. I guess you could say the whole Sissy Villain / Depraved sexual orientation thing is kind of a Berserk Button of mine, but I won’t rant about it too much. I will, however, point out that I see just as much chance of the L/Light thing to turn out to a meaningful, realistically written romance as Fish Bicycle repairman-hell freezing over. Oh, and the author seems to be misinformed about what exactly slash is, but that’s actually one of his lesser transgressions thus far, and frankly that scares me just a little.

Oh, and L’s question? That apparently wasn’t rhetorical, either that, or Light’s intelligence has been slowly draining over the fic, because he now recaps the entire plot, while falling at high speed, the parachutes apparently not doing them any good. What’s the deal with that? Sure, the plot has been poorly explained, but we’re nine chapters in. You do not need to remind us what the hell we read, although a little refresher as to why certainly would be nice. So, Watari chews the two out, still so obnoxiously British it kinda makes my eyes hurt, and I just noticed the guy has No Indoor Voice, why does he yell at them? To stop having a flashback, of course. The sentiment is appreciated, the medium it is conveyed in is not. Well, they land, safely, I assume, and runs to L’s plane. Turns out that yes, indeed he had a plane, a harrier, a pink girly harrier. Merciful Nyarlathotep, this fic is really running the Sissy Villain train to the ground, especially since it is immediately pointed out that Dark’s harrier jet, yes, Dark, a penniless orphan has a harrier jet, don’t ask how, Everything Note or he stole it from someone or something, is, and I quote: black and had skull and crossbones and a turbo and a spoiler 2. You know what, I think the author stopped hiding the blatant wish fulfillment just a little while ago, but enough about that. The L-crew takes off and lands on… Dark’s penis. Great, finally we get to see the ACTUAL main character of the fanfiction, Dark’s gigantic wang. So, either Dark is now really, really big, The way you think of god as big, or he’s just big and having an erection. I’d really, really, really, REALLY not dwell on that mental image any longer than I have to, so I’m moving on.

So, some dialogue follows that just retells what we already know. Dark has the Everything note, it can do anything, Watari knows this… aaand it would seem Dark has written that he’ll take over the world in five minutes, and he wrote this four minutes and  fifty-three seconds ago. So, with seven seconds left to save the world, what does L & Light do? Have seven seconds of sex, of course. Yeah, this guy writes boy-on-boy romance like I make clay sculptures or dance breakdance, which is to say either “not at all good” or “laughably disastrously bad.” So, seven seconds pass, and poof, Dark is the king of the world. Why he still haven’t done a speedy kill on L is beyond me, but hey, who am I to tell this guy how to write his stories, right? Dark exclaims that he is “Soooooo awesome.” If the author is trying to make me hate Dark for the childish power-tripping mental midget he is, then I must say he does a smashing good job at it, I’ve never hated any fictional character with quite the same intensity, and yes, that includes Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, and it’s not in the “you are a good villain, I sympathize with you, but sincerely wish you lose in the end-way” either, it’s in the “Why can’t I unwrite you, you worthless waste of digital space-way.”

Oh, but how do people react to this? Well … Everyone agreed and huged him except for one person who was flying towards him in a black jump jet with spoilers and a turbo and it was his jump jet and it had been stolen by someone we will learn in about a pantograph or so! Again, I’m working towards speechlessness here. It’s not that this sentence is much dumber than the others, it’s just that it… never… stops, no matter what Dark does, there’s a cohort or loyal fans, or wait, not even that decent, just a general “everyone” who thinks he’s so fanfuckingtastic that he could throw baby seals in miniature seal iron maidens (Iron Seals?) and still be applauded as a messiah. Also, of course, the author treats the readers like idiots, feeling the need to explain things that in any other piece of writing produced by anyone who has learned not to drool on themselves would go without saying.

So, Dark then arranges for his enemies to… just read it And Light become the president and L became the emper of Japan because he japanish and Watari was the queen of England and also Scotland. Ok… L is Japanese now, yeah, I won’t even rant about how monumentally stupid this is, except that the thought of Watari in drag as the Queen does something to quell my rage. Well, enough of that mess, it turns out that the harrier jet mentioned earlier attacks Dark, and because his pen is nuclear and some unfortunate phrasing, using the Everything Note doesn’t work well enough to protect him. Sorry fic, I can see the intentions are good, what with trying to impose limits to the clusterfuck of overpowerdness that is Dark Yagami and his Everything Note, but it’s too little too late. So, who flew in this plane? But of course Sayu, and her attacking Dark turns her into the Queen of shinigami, although Dark evidently is still alive. Internal logic? We don’t need no stinking internal logic. Dark says he thought she loved him, since… when? And Sayu replies that it’s more sisterly love, because she’s a lesbian… apparently. Oh, and the description of her transformation? Like always, it’s a sight to behold. Then she got giant and Dark went normal sized. She was as big as a tower and had a big chest which was so big it covered the sun. So, do all shinigami royalty get ridiculously unsexy exaggerated body measurements, or is it just these two? And another thing, it's sad the fic doesn't drag the conversations longer, because if it did, we might get something like this "My boobs will blot out the sun" "Then I shall Stu in the shade." Or rather, it would if this was... you know, actually funny.

The closing line of the chapter: STAY TURNED FOR THE NEW CHAPTER WHICH WILL BE FIGHT OF THE KING AND QUEEN OF THE SHINIGAMI! IT WILL MORE AWESOME YET! AND MORE SEXINGS WIHCH THIS CHAPTER FORGOT! But wait, I thought Dark was depowered? How does shinigami fight anyway, try to trick eachother to save a humans life because they’re in love with him/her? It’s the only conceivable way I can imagine something like that happen, but, well, let’s see, shall we?

So, yeah, this is turning out to be... something, I guess? Well, enough of that sillyness, I'm off to watch Paranormal Activity