Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami


A Shinigami Feast

Heeeeeeere’s Yagami. Oh yes, let’s see what kind of insanity the fic has in store for us today. This chapter is called “Some slashing in this chap.” I’m guessing the author means either light-hearted gory horror movies with masked killers turning cheerleaders into hamburger meat, or the other kind of slash. Why do I feel that there’ll be preciously little of the former and too much of the latter? Well, the author notes read THANKS FOR READING! THIS CAHPTER HAS SOME SLASHING IN IT AND ALSO SOMEON DRINKS SOME WINE DO DON’T READ IF YOU H8 ALCHOL! ALSO THANKS TO EVERY 1 FOR LOVING MY STORY AND ALSO FOR THE REVIEWS EXCEPT FOR THE HATTERS WHO FOUGHT THERE WERE TROLLS IN THIS FIC! THERE ARE NO TROLLS THO I MAY DO A GOLBIN ONE DAY. MORE REVIEWS PLEASE.

Further comment shouldn’t be neccesary, but honestly, I can see why people think this guy is a troll, who can blame me, after the last chapter? Oh, and “don’t read if you h8 alcohol” … I can’t imagine how that disclaimer is necessary, but ok, I’ll roll with it. I don’t have anything against alcohol, at least not close to as much as I have against poorly written fanfics. Well, while I’m still sane, let’s roll.

The fic starts where it left off with the now uber-powerful (and ridiculously endowed, lest we forget) Dark Yagami, king of the Shinigami. His first act as the Kingigami? “BOW BEFORE YOUR NEW KING PUNNY MORTALS! Dark said in a very kingish way. Yeah, mortals, Shinigami are mortal. Or, I realize as I write it that technically, shinigami can die if they are spectacularly lazy, but mortals? Punny mortals even? Not Puny, but punny. Right. Let’s just go for that. Oh, and also, his followers, you know, the lazy nihilists that doesn’t really respect anyone, including their king? Their reaction: All the other sinigami bowed there heads off because they loved him so much in a nonsexy way except the women. I really don’t know what to say about this, except… no, really, I have no idea what to say about this. Whenever the author has to point out how everyone loves the main character, the writing’s on the wall, Here Be Stu. Dark tells the shinigami that his name isn’t Dark anymore, but “DU’ARQ” how’s that supposed to be pronounced? I dunno, the earlier I write this one off as yet another Marty Stu trait manifesting, the better, methinks. So, this name is apparently so awesome that the shinigami throw a party, where there’s served twelve turkeys and a pig and a soup made from blood bananas and this was served with blood wine and not alcholic blood wine for the kiddies and also there was mineral water to. And sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and... Also, kiddies? Shinigami kiddies? There’s no Shinigami kiddies, shinigami are incapable of getting kiddies, not an issue, does not compute. Anyway, good they’ve got the blood bananas  * back, even though it was stated earlier that only the king could eat them without dying. I guess I’m asking of a bit much. This fic having any kind of internally consistent logic? Pfeh, why would it?

So, the next day, the stud formerly known as Dark Yagami climed out of his royal bed with the four hundred women he had sexed with naked last night. Four hundred? Well, I guess it’s not stupider than the rest of the fic, except the author seems to be getting desperate to show us exactly HOW awesome (and heterosexual) Dark, oh, excuse me, D’uarq, or is it Du’ark, or Du’arq, all three have been used thus far, is. Also, finding four hundred women who aren’t flat out murdered by a night with Dark could be considered an achievement in itself, or wait, not achievement, it’d be a miracle, that’s what.

Well, to get back to the tattered remains of a story. Dark descends upon New York, where he used to live, rant, chapter one, go, now he apparently is a million feet tall, luckily, his penis size goes undescribed. Anyway, he declares that he means no harm, and then he… blows up a building to make sure people noticed. Contradictory messages much? It seems to work though, as the people stopped and turned and lookd at him and everyone wa amased by how hansom he was specally the women. Grargh, why won’t this endless milling about how awesome this piece of shoggoth-droppings just stop? Anyway, Dark tells the world that he’s there to take revenge on L, why he just doesn’t write his name, or whatever you do when you don’t know the name, in the red death note, or everything note as it is, and get it over with? I just don’t know.

So, back at the hotel, the hotel L used early in the manga, I guess, Watari is alive and kicking. The explanation for this is that he was not dead because he had CPR. Ok, CPR: Clean, Pretty, Reliable is one thing, but unless you forgot, Watari was shot. Gunshot wounds are not healed by CPR, CPR is not Life3. Cthulhu in the depths, it feels redundant to say at this point, but this is stupid beyond measure. So, Watari recognizes giant shinigami Dark, and through a confusing maneuver ends up in L’s room. Here, Watri reveals that he is ridiculously British, as in “person who’s never been to Britain trying to write a Brit”-British. However, L is pretty busy, because he is "sexing," as it were, and he the person he was “sexing was……………….. Light!” Ok, in any other Death Note fic, I’d say I was surprised it hadn’t come up sooner, but I must admit, I did not see this coming. To make this whole thing nice and creepy, Watari apparently watches for a couple of minutes before interrupting.

So, the two finish up and get dressed before taking a helicopter to confront the giant Dark-thingy. Yay. Oh, and I’m not quoting Watari’s accent for my own sanity’s sake, but trust me, it is the worst British accent, or attempt on one, I have ever heard, err, read. Anyways, Dark pulls his Everything Note, and Watari apparently recognizes it. Just how Watari knows? I’d rather not think of it, with a little luck it’s never mentioned again. So, what does Dark do with this everything note? Write “L dies” and get over with this madness? No, he writes that L’s helicopter explodes. Before this happens, though, L, Light and Watari parachutes into safety. Would writing “L explodes” be all that different? Apparently. Well, how does this chapter end? Like so: “I have a plane……….” Mumbled L with thoughts…. Uhm, yeah, sure. That’s an ending, right? Oh wait, is it supposed to be “plan,” per any chance? That almost makes sense, almost being the operative word.

Tune in next time guys, this is just getting better and better... except it sucks, hard.