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Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami
slowzombie

[table of contents]
A bomb. Also: Incest
It’s Yagami time everyone. Now aren’t I lucky? Actually, I’m enjoying this, sure, there’s several reasons this fic is only marginally better than being punched in the soul, but it could be worse. I mean, the other badfic I knew about other than My Immortal was a certain fic where there’s snakes on a sora, and there’s no way in nine, eleven or thirteen hells that I’m touching the unsporked version of that. Plus, I couldn’t do a completely blind run since I had read the sporkification. But anyway, the author in this chapter title admits that this is far from over, what with “not last chapter now.” This chapter title gives me a whole new kind of unease right now. There’s just a wrongness over the notion that that string of words is meant to be a sentence, or close to one. Well, the author apparently got good reviews, if the authors note is to be believed, so he’s ready for another go. Well, let’s join him, shall we?

This chapter starts with a bang. Litteraly, with a bang, as The nuclear bom went off like a bom and blew up the street and some houses and a car too . Ehm, ok fic, this “bom” must have been a really, really small “bom,” I take it? Well, I guess I’ll have to give the fic a chance to explain itself, although I really shouldn’t expect much at this point. Dark wakes up and of course wonders what the bang is. One assumes the bomb exploded pretty far from him since he’s not a charred corpse at this point. “I was probably just a dog or a bom or something. Cum back to bed” said Misa Sayu,, Light, light’s mom and that girl from the bus who were having a sevensome in the basement bed to hide frim Soichiro.

...

...

Sevensome? A sevensome including the whole damn Yagami family save Soichiro? Ok, the author is clearly fucking with us? I mean, does he try to cross the line twice, after apparently creating a situation where anyone says that a nuclear bomb could be “a dog or a bom or something,” or is the whole narrative slowly losing it’s mind? The latter seems likely, because what follows immediately after is: But Dark jumped out the window and fell like 20 feet and landed on a barbeque which was on but he was hard so he didn’t catch fire and he ate a burger as he looked at the big hole that the bom had made in the road. Dark jumped out of the window… in the basement. Dark Jumped out of the basement window, and fell around 20 feet? Dark jumped out of the basement window and fell 20(ish) feet down on a fired-up barbecue? And he didn’t get burnt because he was so hard? I’m serious, this is the April fools update or something, right? The author just must be taking the piss, no? Well, the publish date disagrees, so let me just resume my ranting. The big hole the bomb had made in the road? If it really was a nuclear bomb, there would be… no… road, and neither would Mr. Yagamis car be scratched, it would be utterly demolished, or melted, or just… disintegrated.

So, what does Dark do? He puts on a spacesuit and goes to investigate the buss-sized crater this bomb apparently made. Where did he get a spacesuit? Why go into the fresh crater? Why the crater isn’t bigger? Actually, I’d rather not know, lest I Go Mad from the Revelation. Well, in the bottom of the crater stands Yotsuba, a tall slimy man covered in green with a magic death note. Yotsuba wants Dark to revive him with the Life Note because he died from the bomb. Dark, apparently having lost his super power, the Common Sense, does so, and Yotsuba, as a thanks, attacks him. What follows ... well: “DARK! NO” shouted light’s mom. She gotted from Dark wat she never got from Soichiro nad his creepy mustache and sexed loads of times a day now. If he died then shed have to go back to sexing other people. “DON’T DIE! I GET FROM YOU WHAT I NEVER GOT FROM SOICHIRO AND HIS CREEPY MUSTACHE!!!” This line is, for those of you who are keeping count, the second time in this chapter alone the fic has me at a loss for words. I mean, yeah, he didn’t grow up with her, but need I remind you that Dark is Sachiko’s son? I know I’ve asked this before, but seriously, has the author completely lost his mind, or has Dark’s Black Hole Stu-pull finally overpowered the fic entirely? I just can’t tell, and I pray this is some kind of poorly executed bizzarro episode. Yotsuba tries to fire a gun at Dark, but misses and hits Light instead. Yeah, apparently Light went outside, either that, or… no, you know what, no level of Disaster Dominoes can justify it otherwise. After that, everything goes dark. I’m assuming everything goes dark for Yotsuba, even though that doesn’t make any sense either.

Sweet merciful Willbur Whateley on a pogo stick, the author doesn’t pull any punches with this chapter. What follows is a discussion between Yotsuba and L about who L’s going to send out next, with L making constant references to Near. Gee, more Near puns, color me on the verge of a Live Blogger’s breakdown. Anyway, L’s “Magic Telephone” rings, and he’s informed that Near is dead. Wait… how and when did he die? I just don’t know. Instead, L decides to send out another agent and… “HIS NAME IS……………………………… HAL LINDER!” Correct me if I’m wrong, but Halle Lidner isn’t a he. Of course, could be this Hal Linder is an OC, but I doubt it. Anyway, “Linder” has a teleport note he found in Russia. Yeah, you don’t need to explain or anything, variations on an artifact of limited godlike power can be found just laying around in Siberia, everyone knows that.

Well, Linder uses this to teleport into the Yagami household, in America, if you’re not tired of it yet, why not refer to my rant in chapter one about the subject, and shoot Dark, except it’s not Dark, it’s Light, something the real Dark points out as he comes running. So… he knew that Hal Linder had a teleportation-enabling note and was teleporting in to shoot him? Did he read ahead in the script? Has his stuness finally broken down the fourth wall? Is this chapter even real? Well, what does Lidner Linder do? Shoot again? No, he says he has failed and then falls through a plothole, one assumes never to be seen again. Anyway, Light gets resurrected with the Life note, again 100% drama-free, again less interesting than the scribbles on the wall of a public toilet, and the sevensome mentioned earlier resumes, yay. Not creepy at all. They’re discovered by Soichiro, but it turns out he’s ok with it because he loves them so much. Again, drama, what’s that? However, the girl from the buss: took like five guns out from under her pillow and pointed them to everyone. So, this girl is what, Kali the Destroyer? Seriously, five knives I could have accepted somehow, but five guns? How in the world do you fire more than two? On second thought, don’t tell me, I believe I’m happier not knowing. Anyway, Dark gets shot and “everything gets all matrixy.” No, I have no idea what the author meant with that.

Well, the story ends with “Dark is dead and the world is safe!” said the girl fro mthe bus teleporting back to L. She was a hero and got on tv and stuff and there was a parade for her. Everyone was happy except for a few sad people and they were all called Yagami except Misa who was not called Yagami but she was called Anime and that’s quite close. Yay, the fanfic is… not over, of course. In the shinigami world, where Dark apparently ended up after death, despite Death Note canon stating that dead souls just disappear, a notion which makes the idea of a Life Note even more ridiculous. In the Shinigami world, Dark kills Blud, who dies eating his last blood banana  *. Despite not being a shinigami, this makes Dark the next shinigami king, and the transformation sequence that follows bears being quoted in its entirety.

He was as a big as a bus and was wearing leather pants which dint hide his super big man thingy which was the size of a bus and twice as wide. His hair was every color of the rainbow but only in dark black like oil or something. His seventy-nine eyes all burned a diffrent shed of red except one which was gold because it contained the tiny good part of his sole. His deathnote changed too. It turned rainbow black like his oily hair and got new words on it. And they said…………….… EVERYTHING NOTE! Let’s be methodical about this, shall we? For one thing, his penis is… larger than he is? Or simply his entire body mass and then some? Gee, the jokes almost writes themselves. Anyway, I fail to see how that’s practical in any way, shape or fashion. Also, his hair is every color of the rainbow, a Sue-sign as good as any, but apparently also all black, which I can only explain as thoroughly stupid. Finally: Everything Note? I just KNOW this can’t be good. I mean… what is an Everything Note meant to do? Everything, apparently, which in my book translates to “Horrible Stu Overpowerdness”

The author analyses the current state of his plot like follows: THIS MUST BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In my own words: No! It! Musn’t! I mean, come on, you just made your character virtually omnipotent, and I’ll be honestly surprised if you can make any scenario where any of his enemies put up anything that can be compared to a fair fight. Of course, thus far no one else has because the main character is so awesome, but that’s not an excuse, that’s a part of the fucking problem. Also, for that matter, couldn’t Dark be revived with the Life note? I mean, playing re-animator with an atom bomb victim was no problem, so a bullet or twenty-seven can’t be all that much worse, right? Oh, and also, what in the world was the deal with that bomb? Will we ever be explained anything about why there was a nuclear explosion in the neighbourhood, or is that part of the story reserved for the inhabitants of the author’s mind? Honestly, I just can’t agree with myself if this is a serious (poor) effort or just trolling, and I think My Immortal is not a Troll Fic. At any rate, the sudden drop in coherency worries me, and a part of me hopes that this will get better by the next chapter, although I’m content if it doesn't get much worse.

So... yeah, I think it's ok to feel a little sorry for me now, just remember I do this out of my own free (and apparantly stupid) will.
10th Dec '10 6:50:47 AM flag for mods
comments
You're awesome. I really enjoyed reading through this and sharing in the confusion and angrish.
pancakeplant 30th Apr 14
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