Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami


Pime Taradox!

Hey kids, it’s Yagami time, today we’re tackling chapter 5 “We meed Yotsuba and Matt.” This is probably the least intimidating chapter title since I started discussing them, so I’m guessing this is a semi-good sign?

To put a damper on my spirits, the story starts with a “flashback to yesterday.” That’s so… overwhelmingly unhelpful in placing this on the timeline that it borders on some level of Zen, I am certain. Is the author referring to yesterday, as in the day before this? Or the day before the events in the previous chapter? I’m assuming the latter for my own sanity. On the bright side, well, the story yet again keeps far away from the titular character, a notion I feel I can support with increasing fevor. The focus of the moment is Matt, hoh yes, I can’t hardly wait to see how such a fleshed-out character can indeed be pulled off the rails by our dear blackhole stu, I assure you it’s possible. Well, Matt’s motivation seems to be avenging Mello, seems reasonable so far, and therefore he has to ride really really fast, the… ehm, “Klingon” proverb apparently doesn’t appeal to him. Well, he finds himself in a situation like so: Suddenly he stopped suddenly. He saw the taillights of a Porch up ahead and the driver was laughing like mad and something about the car just didn’t seem right some how. Well, I’ll give Matt as much, his eyesight must be absolutely fantastic. Also... porch, I'll have you know I noticed this, but I have no snark for this misspelling except the standard ... Right. Now “he,” this being Matt, or possibly the man in the car, or possible the divine Him, or the royal We for all I know, pulls a gun and shoots out the back window, causing the car to swerve. Maybe not all that weird since the driver was laughing and driving and writing something in his book as he drived

Oh, and this man is called Yotsuba, which I’m assuming is the stand-in for our murderous yuppie friends at Youtsuba Co, mostly because the alternatives does not entice me. I’m not one to call Troll too early, but honestly, the author is giving characters the My Immortal treatment here, that is never a good sign. Oh, and Matt recognizes the Death Note as a Death note, and one assumes this leads to a plan of some sort. Anyway, the author finds it necessary to further break the poor defenseless narrative as we have… a flashback to a short time later, either making it a flash-forward, or just stupid. My money is on the last one. Matt has caught up with the car, jumps in, grabs the wheel and rams the car into a conveniently placed wall in a scene that makes my inner writer cry limpid tears  *. You bet it bears quoting. Yotsuba screamed like a little girl only manlier because he was big and covered his face with his arms. The car crashed into a wall and exploded in a ball of flame! One of the drivers died instantly and the other stole the death note and jumped back on his motorbike and drove off. It was…… you’ll have to find out later! P

Mid-chapter cliffhanger. Classy.

Back in the present day, Blud, still in all-caps, break the bad news that Matt survived the crash to Light. That is, after the Brothers Yagami have a little argument which pretty much amounts to an angry question, a punch, an answer and immediate reconciliation, mostly because Dark seems keen to demonstrate that his Stupowers include the ultra-rare Common Sense. Of course, after his lead-box-gambit, I’m inclined to not believing that, but I digress. Anyway, Light is confused, but Blud explains that his “death note can also kill people in the past and I am going to write his name in it in the future to kill him in the past and stop him stealing the death note” But... but... but... you just... and he... so... but still... and... you. Normally I’m so-so on optimism when it comes to time-travel plots making sense, but you know what, this is asinine, there is no way this can make any sense, even in the Stuniverse, not happening, does not compute, still DOES NOT WANT.

Well, apparently it works, because time gets rewritten, with an elegant “Meanwhile in the past.” So, stupid story short, Matt dies a horribly crash-related death because of future Death Note-usage, Yotsuba escapes and apparently finds Matts PSP still usable, one assumes Matt’s mangeled body protected its fragile plastic existence, if that even came close to making sense, that is.

Back in the future, L figures out how to work the Death note because he’s a genius, although it hardly takes a genius when the manual is written on the product. He decides to test it out on mrs Yagami, Light & Dark’s mom, who the author still haven’t seen it fit to name. I mean, her name is Sachiko, for crying out loud, you can look it up, as I said, won’t even take you a minute. The author closes off by telling us the next chapter will be pretty intense, and asking for reviews. Of course, I don’t have a account, but if I had, I can promise you the author would not want my review.