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Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami
slowzombie

[table of contents]
More lesbians
Welcome back to the adventures of Slowzombie and fic that’s to Death Note continuity what Uwe Boll is to cinema.

Allright, chapter title time first. This one is called "I forgot what happens but cool" Ok… first of all, I’m praying that is relevant to the story, somehow, but if not even the author can keep his train of thought, or even a brief synopsis from the point where he’s finished writing up the chapter and posting it online, why should I even try? Well, you know, dear readers, because I’m just a little bit loopy, just the way you like it. Also, before the action gets a chance to start out proper, the author points out that the fic hoster keeps doubling the first line of his fic, which would explain the flashback-to-a-flashback from earlier. I am less confused, but somewhat disappointed. That’s what I get for running blind I guess. Oh, and just to lift my spirit, I am promised Also contains Naomi/OC and Takada/OC (real hot!) Considering the only OC so far is Dark… DO NOT WANT. Ok, I’ll be fair, it’s still possible the author is gracing us with another of his… creations, but we’ll find out, now won’t we.

The story, still not content with the thought of sitting still on one plotline, or even a couple of related ones, jump over to Naomi as she enters the police station and observes The woman behind the desk was hot looking and also she was bi. First off, I’m curious if Naomi has some kind of fine-tuned gaydar going on or something, a bidar? I dunno, I’ll write it off as Naomi either be a good judge of character or some previous… thing going on, I’d rather think about something else, like puppies, since puppies are cute and makes sense. Naomi wants to speak to L because Kira killed her husband, I think, seeing as she just called the woman behind the desk Naomi. The aforementioned OC might be this secretary-kind of person, seeing as she immediately begins hitting on Naomi. Although I can’t say my heart yearns for more poorly written lesbian erotica, at least it isn’t Dark/Anybody. The secretary, whom I absolutely refuse to call the Desk Lady, lest I conjure up a mental image of an anthromorphic desk, also quips like so “Naomi spelled backwards is I Moon” added the desk lady flirtyly To this, I reply: No! It! Isn’t! For the love of Nyarlathotep, it’s “I Moan” see, the innuendo makes sense, even more so. Remember kids, when punning, make sure your spelling makes sense. Anyway, before the horribly unsubtle flirting can continue, Naomi took the desk ladies number to call her later and maybe have sex and ran into L’s office.

Oh, almost forgot amidst all this madness, when, pray do tell, did L have a permanent headquarter at the police, let alone an office? I know I should be beyond commenting on lacking respect for canon at this point, but come on, can’t we at least pretend we know what we’re doing here? It’s not that hard, basic research is your friend, especially to the stuff you are ficcing. Anyway, Naomi tells L, in this office of his, that Kira killed her husband, and she thinks she knows who Kira is. Again, heed my words, before this is through, everyone will know who Kira is. L asks her to take a seat, but the chair is covered in old candy, so before any sitting can be done, L eats the candy off the chair. Said candy is, of course all sticky and melted and eaten and it didn’t look to good either. Again, I like how we’re told these things, Shaped Like Itself as it is. Oh, and when it comes to description, L gets described as the small wrinkly fairy man began shoving bits of sugar into his mouth. I know I’m a L fanboy, but wrinkly? Seriously? Wrinkly? As in having a noticeable amount of wrinkles?

The story then jumps over to the brothers Yagami, where the shinigami Blud complains he needs blood bananas.  * Ryuk feels left out because he, like anyone who is not the king of the Shinigami, cannot eat blood bananas, they’re poisonous, y’see. If this is the case, wouldn’t Blud be the one left out, since he’s the only one who can eat them?

Anyway, I’m sure this is a setup to a truly dazzling plot twist, but the plot cuts back to casa de L where Soichiro have arrived, apparently. Naomi tells the crew that Kira really is… Mikami. Honestly, when in the Death Note timeline is this supposed to be set? Is this some bizarre AU where everyone wears a clown nose, but the author neglected to tell us? I know he is Kira because he went on Tv and he was evil! is the logic behind this accusation, and although I’m sure the author planned some kind of better explanation to this particular logic fizzle, I’m left wondering if Naomi and the Kira Crew all have Detect Alignment or something similar. Anyway, this is all the reason the good men of the law… or independent anti-Kira vigilantes, need as they rush out and decide to open a can of whuppass on Mikami.

Naomi stays behind and returns to the secretary-type person. Goodie. They find a closet, and Naomi finally reveals her horrible secret. getting naked as she took her her jacket off and revealed a fancy suit that newsreaders wear underneath. “I’m not really Naomi. I’m………………….. TAKADA!! Didn’t see that one coming. Sincerity Mode is enabled, ladies and gentlemen. Do tell, am I getting rusty, or was there no hint to this whatsoever? What strikes me is that Takada and Naomi doesn’t really look all that similar. Was she wearing a wig? Anything else making her look like Naomi? How does this work. Well, before the author slips up and actually explains something, we jump to AT MIKAMIS HOUSE IN A HELICOPTER … wow, Mikami’s house must be pretty large to comfortably fit a Helicopter.

L threatens Mikami with bullet-y death if he doesn’t come out, and when no response is given, Soichiro got a good shot at Mikami and killed him in the leg. There was still no reply. Killed... Doesn’t mean what you think it means apparantly. Well, the team bravely advances upon the disabled guy, who holds a death note L knows is a death note because it’s full of names of killed people… ehm, just go with it. Mikami, understandably, freaks out and tells the investigation team that he isn’t the real Kira. Blud, who apparently can spy on anyone with a death note, discovers this, and before Mimami gets to finish, he is Death Note’d. It plays out like so “Then whose the real Kira?” asked L. “Tell us you f-cking scumbag!!” added Lights dad who was holding a knife to his neck like the joker did. He was mad with rage and his mustache was covered in spit and it was pretty rank really. “I’ll tell you! It’s Light Yaga…….” Then he died.

Frankly, I am beyond flabbergasted. That is not a close save, that is not killing someone to prevent your secret from coming out. That is the secret-keeping equivalent of putting on a fake moustache and a funny hat. What’s worse is that the investigation team seems quite annoyed that he didn’t get to finish... or that he got killed, maybe, but still. I know about the burden of proof and all that, but seriously? Also, back in the closet where “MEANWHILE IN THE JANITORS CUPBAORD WHERE TAKADA AND THE DESK LADY WERE SEXING,” the author still refusing to name his OC or use a version of “to have sex” which couldn’t be used by Borat, Mikami is Death Note'd mid-act and miss secretary freaks out, understandably. Blud stopped watching the naked couple and went back to Light … just creepy, not commenting any further. Creepy, full stop. He reports to Light, who, in his most in-character moment in the entire fic so far, replies with “just as planned.”

End of chapter, yay. At least Dark didn’t Stu things up all that much in this one.
10th Dec '10 6:40:58 AM flag for mods
comments
But you missed one of the most hilarious scenes, at least in the first portion of the "story" in this fic: when L said "I will have to use stealth instead" and jumped in the broken window screaming. That sole line cracked me the hell up.
xanderglz 27th Jun 11
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