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Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami
slowzombie

[table of contents]
Flashbacks and a remarkable lack of sense
Chapter two starts with a flashback to one month later when... there was yet another flashback to one month later, not confusing at all. Here we see Mello in his room in the «Watari House,» I assume the orphanage, eating chocolate before Dark comes a'knocking. He asks where Near is, to which Mello replies "he is near.» Cut me not with thy rapier of wit, fanfic author. Dark and I finally agree on something, as he isn't amused either. Mello asks if Dark wants to have some fun, and apparently takes no answer as an invitation to strip. Dark is, again, not very impressed and shoots Mello and steals his clothes. Oh, Dark is wearing Mello's clothes in the first chapter. I didn't mention it, but it's there, I guess it could be called foreshadowing, of sorts. So, Watari comes to investigate the gunshot, but gets shot as well. He screams as he gets shot, screams as he falls and screams on the ground a bit before dying. At least he gets to keep his clothes. Do you remember how the major characters in DN who died shuffled off their mortal coil with dignity, not freaking out or naked? Yeah, wasn't that great?

So, Dark hits the road, calling a «mysterious number.» Said mystery gets somewhat wrecked when Dark, in the very next sentence, calls the reciever of the call «dad,» a «mustached man.» Which makes me think Dark either got a videophone or that his StuPowers include telepathic facial analysis or something along those lines.

So, Dark tells pa' Yagami that he's not too happy about being dropped in the orphanage 19 years ago and that to make up for it, good old pa' has to dress up like Watari and fool L. Soichiro apparantly agress to try to fool the person behind the three most talented detectives in the world because a person who says he's your son says that you owe him that much. Dark confesses that he killed Watari, which provides Old man Yagami with a golden opportunity to take to his senses, call L and get some serious damage control done. Dark's amazing Black Hole Stu gravity, however, proves too great for the plot to follow any logical sequence of events, and Soichiro agrees on the condition that Dark comes to the US, again, refer to my rant in the beginning of chapter one if you aren't tired of it yet.

So, Dark has to get to the states, but he doesn't have any money. What is this? An actual challenge on the path to his objective? A possible roadblock in the way of the Marty Stu bulldozer? Of course not, Dark has a way. He hides in a lead-lined box and ships himself via airplane, the lead preventing him from being detected by X-ray. You know, I'm willing to put up with a lot from this fic, but this is just too stupid. First of, if airport security finds an unlabelled box which they can't see through with the means at hand, odds are they won't go «Gee... probably just a solid block of lead in here, a'yup» and send it on it's merry way across the pond. I mean, if he's lucky, the box would be cracked open and his scheme would be up, if he's unlucky, they skip that phrase, call the bomb squad and blow his ass up. Boom, no more Stu, no more fic, canonity is restored at a rate of 4.2 MegaRetCons per second. Even excusing that, 12 hours, which is roughly UK-US unless I'm mistaken, is a long time to be trapped in a box in a cargo hold. Oh well, this being a badfic, all these problems are flat out ignored, and our «hero» arrives in the good old US of A safely.

So, back at the tense standoff where we left L and Sorchrio. The gun is fired, L dodges and hides behind his pile of candy. You remember, the pile of candy that was in any shape or form large enough to hide behind, you know, from the manga? Yeah. At this point, Moustacheman reveals that hadn't really betrayed L, the fact that he fired a shot at him notwithstanding. If I'm to guess, we might get an explanation later, or it could be that the author is just out of his gourd, what do I know. Anyway, Soichrio explains the situation and says that Dark might be Kira, and L agrees, saying that it all makes sense now, and that He framed his twin brother when in fact he is killing people somehow. Who knew, L just needed a Marty Stu to solve the Kira case. Solve it with the wrong answer, but still. This chapter sails gleefully into oblivion as Soichiro says he has a plan and twisting his mustache like an evil guy. Again, a moustache-related activity I can not imagine Soichiro Yagami, or anyone with a moustache even resembling his, doing. Chapter done, author tells us to not worry, because there will be more. Needless to say, worrying is had.
10th Dec '10 6:24:28 AM flag for mods
comments
"Do you remember how the major characters in DN who died shuffled off their mortal coil with dignity, not freaking out or naked?"

Uh... Yeah... *Points to Light*
Psyga315 25th Jan 11
Well, in my defense, he was clothed at the time, and his breakdown was fairly awesome, whereas this fic has been able to produce no such thing. You are right, though, that particular death isn't... very dignified.
slowzombie 29th Jan 11
I love your attempts to reason through this atrocity. xD Just makes everything even more ridiculously funny.

pancakeplant 30th Apr 14
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