Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami


Meet Dark

Allright, the liveblog begins, and this is looking up to be one hell of a ride.

Chapter one:

So, our story starts with Light coming home from school. As he got to his house he saw a strange car outside and he knew immediately it was not American because the wheel was on the wrong side Right, I think I have to stop you there. Unless my powers of perception have failed me entirely, this sentence here seems to suggest that Light and his family lives in America, a fact straight forward contradicting plot points early in the original, not that DN being set in Japan was too much of a secret in the first place. Also «because the wheel was on the wrong side?» That just does not compute either, simply because roughly 75% of the world (and I'm probably being modest with that figure) have their steering wheels on the same side as Americans do. I guess I shouldn't obsess about this too much, but jeez, it could be made so much easier, for example, Light could look at... I don't know, the licence plate, and pinpoint it as non-American that way? See, now that wasn't so hard, now was it? But let's not dwell on that, on with the story.

Light's parents, Soichiro and «Light's Mom» greet him, acting all surprised-like, including Mr. Yagami playing with his mustache, something I, in a thousand years, can't imagine him doing. Also, is it really too much work to check up what Light's mom is called? Takes less than a minute at wikipedia. Anyway, the two reveal to light their terrible Dark secret, pun and capitalization intentional. Yes, it would seem Light had a twin called Dark, who they sent to a top secret orphanage in Whales (its a town in England) where he would learn to be the next L. We can’t tell anyone because its top secret and kira might find out and Kira might try to kill him. You know what, I'm not going to comment on the Wales thing, because I need to conserve both time and sanity, but this is one contrived excuse to have the character be unmentioned up to this point. Sure, they can't tell anyone, including Light now that Kira actually exist, which makes it preplexing that they do, but what stopped them from mentioning something as important as this at any point earlier to Light? I mean, sure, maintaining top secrecy is one thing, but not telling someone as crafty and resourceful as Light that he does, in fact, have a twin brother?

It must also be said that Dark is fairly suave about this whole reuniting with his long-lost brother, what with his lolling. On what he is lolling, we may never know, as the author doesn't tell us, I pray to any Great Old One that might hear me that the author simply misunderstood lolling as a word for simply meaning being relaxed, or at least that he didn't misspell Lol-ing. Light is not quite as calm, and throws a proper fit of rage, which I might in a generous mood call a Flanderization of his slight childish tendencies, and drags his sister Sayu upstairs, where she apologizes for not telling Light about his twin brother, who she apparently knew about. Great Azathoth, how could Light's younger sister find out about this, but not the Teenage Genius himself?

Before this plot hole can be excavated any deeper, though, Dark comes upstairs, and the two brothers enter Light's room, where it turns out the Yagamis have installed a bunk bed... again without Light noticing anything. It would seem that the Yagami family has a good contract with ninja carpenters, or ninja IKEA delivery/assembly men. At this point, the author tells us not to get any funny ideas because there will be no slash, a relief, but at the same time, ridiculously bad and Squick-filled Brother-Brother Incest might put a temporary stop to the cascade of poor plotting.

So, Light applies a magical eavesdropping-preventing pencil to the door before telling Dark that he is Kira. He tells a person he met five minutes ago, a person who might be the next L, that he is Kira, a secret he has kept from everyone but, what, three people? Brother or not, that's not a very smart move. Of course, this isn't an one-shot fanfic where Light gets hit by a Feeblemind spell and gets himself imprisoned and executed, so much for hoping, because Dark, out of undying loyalty to his brother for all of five minutes, tells Light that he knows, and that he won't tell on him. Lord Dagon of the Deep, the Gary Stu is strong with this one. So, Light compliments Dark a couple of more times in good old Stu tradition before Dark reveals his red death note. They discuss the colour and Dark gets reprimanded for saying «colour» instead of «color» since he's in America now, see my rant above for my full thoughts on this particular choice. Also, Dark is one of those people who actually says «lol,» he's doing a damn fine job of endearing himself to me, I'll give him that... yeah.

Dark then shows Light «his» shinigami, He was like twice the size of Ruyk and had a big mowhawk made of blood and skulls. This description sounds like a parody of how 90s kid would sound like if he was an otaku. The fact that he was eating bananas like Ruyk ate apples but they were blood bananas made of blood. doesn't help. I'm having Vietnam-esque My Immortal flashbacks at this point, all that's missing is the fishnets. This shinigami is the new king, apparantly, and has a Death Note that can kill anyone whose name is written in the book even if you don't know their name or face. How exactly one can write down a name that one doesn't know, you might ask? Well, I don't know or care and I don't think the author does either.

So, Dark excuses himself to go out back, gets out his cellphone and calls L, tells him that he has killed Mello and Watari and that the Watari with L at the moment is a fake.... so, let's just forget that he got L's phone number, probably from the awesome Stupower, let's forget that he killed two major-esque characters... in fact, let's just forget the whole thing, I want to get this chapter over with. The fake Watari is revealed to be Light's dad, who pulls a gun on L, and the chapter ends with a stunning cliffhanger, hooray!


I don't even know why anyone reads past the first chapter. It's just the perfect storm of awful. The blood bananas, the blood "mowhawk", "Whales"...
EponymousKid 31st Jan 11