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Live Blogs Modelland: A Blind Sporking
LadyMomus2011-09-30 03:35:28

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Welcome to the Sporking

Ah, fantasy. It contains everything from the expansive world-building of Tolkien, to the pun-filled fluff of Xanth, to the formulaic but awesome Belgariad, to the gritty world of the Dresden Files. I've been reading books of fantasy and mythology as long as I can remember, and I still love finding a new fantasy world to explore.

But for every fantasy epic, there are a hundred mediocre tomes. For every thrilling adventure, there is a snooze fest. For every gem, a piece of compost cleverly masquerading as a book.

Which will it be? You never know until you read them.

Or - in the case of Modelland by Tyra Banks - until you look at the title and cover.

An Introduction to the Author

I will now share everything I know about Tyra Banks.

Tyra Banks is a model. She's been on at least one TV show about modeling. She was in the Hannah Montana Movie. She recently wrote and published a book titled Modelland.

. . .

Oh, and her name is derived from the Old Norse word for "Thor."

Demographics and Me

I saw Modelland described as both teen and young adult fiction, so the target demographic is presumably 13-25 year old girls. In theory, I should be in the target demographic. In reality, I'm so far out of the target demographic, I need the Hubble to catch a glimpse of them.

What I know about fashion could fit on an index card. I wear Christmas socks year round, have no qualms about wearing purple sweatpants with an orange t-shirt, and would rather go to the dentist than go shopping for clothes.

I didn't want to be a princess or a model when I was a kid. I wanted to be a Power Ranger or a Saiyan or a member of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

I spent years rejecting all things girly while embracing media aimed at boys and men. Since then, I've learned that my knee jerk reaction to media aimed at girls and women was incredibly unfair. Recently, I've learned to enjoy media aimed at girls. I've learned that just because something is feminine, cutesy or girly doesn't mean it's bad. In light of that, I am willing to give Modelland a chance.

A snowball's chance, but a chance nonetheless.

Liveblog Rules

This is a blind liveblog. I will be liveblogging each chapter as I read it, while doing my best to avoid spoilers. I am not allowed to start a chapter until I finished the one before it. I may continue on to the next chapter before posting, but I'll at least have a draft of that chapter's post done before continuing on.

Next time, we'll start at the very beginning.

Before the Beginning

I steal furtive glances around the room. The lunch room is empty. Too early for any witnesses. Even so, I hold one arm in place to shield my Kindle from anyone who might enter and see what I am about to do.

I type the word slowly. Modelland.

My breakfast threatens to crawl up my throat. My finger strays to the "back" button. It would be so easy to turn back now. To pretend I never considered it.

But try as I must, I cannot turn away. It beckons me like a flame beckons a moth. I try to banish my desires to eviscerate it. To ignore the desire to quench the lust of my spork. But I am no longer in control. IT has me, and there is no escape.

With a trembling hand, I hit the enter key.

BUY

I pray that my family never learns of my shame.

Comments

71.202.88.54 Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 15th 2012 at 9:35:11 PM
Atrocious. The way Tyra just dropped Hunchy... When I first read this book, I was on my toes, waiting for him to re-appear. This chapter? Nope. This chapter? Nope. Epilogue? Nope. Tyra, stop writing. Or at least get a ghost writer, anything to save Lady Momus (and us) from having to go through this again.
76.69.20.119 Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 15th 2012 at 10:42:37 PM
It's funny how Tookie's letter rants about the "moral" of the story—how beauty isn't everything—*immediately* after Tookie puts on the SMIZE so that she can feel beautiful. Not to mention the fact that the whole universe of the story as well as almost every female character is concerned only with beauty and that characters who don't try to meet the standards of beauty are described as physically repulsive.

Tyra's inability to acknowledge what is portrayed in her own story is on par with Stephenie Meyer. Modelland shares many of the horrible plot and thematic elements of Twilight: a protagonist who thinks little of her and is incredibly disrespectful to everyone around her, yet is loved by everyone and everyone who dislikes her is viewed as evil; the idea that obsessive infatuation makes a person your possession; conflicts that are resolved with little if any work on the main character's part with most if not all credit going to them; "flaws" that only serve to conveniently advance the plot when needed and never affect the story otherwise; inconsistent powers that are only used when it makes the plot go easily; and characters who are far more sympathetic and interesting being outright ignored or reviled simply because of their stance towards the protagonists.

With that in mind, it doesn't surprise me at all that the most favourable reviews online for Modelland come from people who preach about how great it is but are incapable of explaining *why* it's great, insinuate that people who dislike it don't know what they're talking about, and make it clear that they understand less about the story than the haters.
DrDahm Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 15th 2012 at 11:51:22 PM
I wish she would at least mention Hunchy. It would make a better cliffhanger then "My teleportal sense is tingling!" There had better be some kind of backstory for him in the sequel or I will be pissed. Well, more pissed.
147.253.200.11 Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 16th 2012 at 8:19:22 AM
Seriously, Hunchy became my favorite character despite the fact he had so little characterization. I guess the fact that he had a simple motivation that could mean the death of one or more of the main characters and possibly an amazing liberation of the "deformed" servants of Modelland was just awesome. Far more exciting than a group of characters I never worried about because It was clear the author would never put her pwecious, broken angels in danger, let alone explore hard-hitting issues (seriously, Tookie's "I understand your bulimia because I look gawky" moment made me want to chuck the book across the room. Then I remembered it was my Kindle....)

Ah, the acknowledgements! Have fun with those. I don't see how you can't laugh, it's got some of the most bizarre writing in there.
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 16th 2012 at 3:11:25 PM
I comepletely lost my points of what I was gonna post. But, I'll put something down. The message to the readers is stupid beyond belief. It's pointless and holds no water. also, tonite? WTF! who spells like that? Also the ending is horrible, there are plot threads that could be a potential plot for a sequel. The adventure continues thing only works when you finnish fixing the plot threads! Also, shouldn't they be holding the 7seven tournament since she's the new belladonna now?

damn there's so much shit in this.

Also I agree with you guys. Tyra shouldn't have done that Hunchy, he was interesting, he had a motive and he's mysterious.

@76.69: good comparison. both are equally stupid. I have a new category for both of them: fanfic shitfest catastrophe.
Zersk Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 26th 2013 at 1:13:51 AM
"To start with, there are already several series that involve young boys transforming with magical powers and skirts/wands/sparkles/etc."

Well it worked in Earthbound! :p
Zersk Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 26th 2013 at 1:14:32 AM
That... is not the quote I wanted!

"I'm not even sure how you would send memories, pain or strength to a real person, let alone a fictional character."

Well it worked in Earthbound. :B
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