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Live Blogs Modelland: A Blind Sporking
LadyMomus2011-09-30 03:35:28

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Welcome to the Sporking

Ah, fantasy. It contains everything from the expansive world-building of Tolkien, to the pun-filled fluff of Xanth, to the formulaic but awesome Belgariad, to the gritty world of the Dresden Files. I've been reading books of fantasy and mythology as long as I can remember, and I still love finding a new fantasy world to explore.

But for every fantasy epic, there are a hundred mediocre tomes. For every thrilling adventure, there is a snooze fest. For every gem, a piece of compost cleverly masquerading as a book.

Which will it be? You never know until you read them.

Or - in the case of Modelland by Tyra Banks - until you look at the title and cover.

An Introduction to the Author

I will now share everything I know about Tyra Banks.

Tyra Banks is a model. She's been on at least one TV show about modeling. She was in the Hannah Montana Movie. She recently wrote and published a book titled Modelland.

. . .

Oh, and her name is derived from the Old Norse word for "Thor."

Demographics and Me

I saw Modelland described as both teen and young adult fiction, so the target demographic is presumably 13-25 year old girls. In theory, I should be in the target demographic. In reality, I'm so far out of the target demographic, I need the Hubble to catch a glimpse of them.

What I know about fashion could fit on an index card. I wear Christmas socks year round, have no qualms about wearing purple sweatpants with an orange t-shirt, and would rather go to the dentist than go shopping for clothes.

I didn't want to be a princess or a model when I was a kid. I wanted to be a Power Ranger or a Saiyan or a member of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

I spent years rejecting all things girly while embracing media aimed at boys and men. Since then, I've learned that my knee jerk reaction to media aimed at girls and women was incredibly unfair. Recently, I've learned to enjoy media aimed at girls. I've learned that just because something is feminine, cutesy or girly doesn't mean it's bad. In light of that, I am willing to give Modelland a chance.

A snowball's chance, but a chance nonetheless.

Liveblog Rules

This is a blind liveblog. I will be liveblogging each chapter as I read it, while doing my best to avoid spoilers. I am not allowed to start a chapter until I finished the one before it. I may continue on to the next chapter before posting, but I'll at least have a draft of that chapter's post done before continuing on.

Next time, we'll start at the very beginning.

Before the Beginning

I steal furtive glances around the room. The lunch room is empty. Too early for any witnesses. Even so, I hold one arm in place to shield my Kindle from anyone who might enter and see what I am about to do.

I type the word slowly. Modelland.

My breakfast threatens to crawl up my throat. My finger strays to the "back" button. It would be so easy to turn back now. To pretend I never considered it.

But try as I must, I cannot turn away. It beckons me like a flame beckons a moth. I try to banish my desires to eviscerate it. To ignore the desire to quench the lust of my spork. But I am no longer in control. IT has me, and there is no escape.

With a trembling hand, I hit the enter key.

BUY

I pray that my family never learns of my shame.

Comments

DrDahm Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 9th 2012 at 5:20:47 AM
Oh god was this a disturbing chapter. I knew Creamy was kind of messed up but I wasn't expecting THAT.
FreezairForALimitedTime Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 9th 2012 at 7:09:39 AM
Oh god, that bathroom graffiti about Latta Defacake in one of the earlier chapters ended up being relevant? Just go on and shoot me now!

Also:

"Why can't I have both my baby and my beauty?"
Gee, that doesn't sound incredibly selfish.

To be fair, it's kind of a dumb choice to have to make. Considering how screwed up the whole Modelland culture is, the whole aging barrier and the laws about not seeing civillians are pretty dumb and unnecessary to begin with. Under those circumstances, I think it's a pretty fair request.
LadyMomus Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 9th 2012 at 7:34:45 AM
^ A lot of the choices in this chapter are fairly dumb ones, to be honest. I'm half convinced that queens of Modelland are required to only offer lose-lose scenarios whenever they give someone choices.

Then again, we wouldn't have a plot if the Queen had acted reasonably.
209.250.209.132 Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 9th 2012 at 9:38:56 AM
Tyra, let's talk about ellipses. Ellipses should be used sparingly and while in theory can add suspense, they rarely do and just look stupid. "The Bella Donna's boyfriend—the father of her child—wasn't Chris-Crème-Crobat.

He was ... Wingtip." The first time I read that all I could think of was "It was....................DUMBLYDORE!"
142.1.242.117 Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 9th 2012 at 12:45:38 PM
...well shit.

That's not how babies are born.

This whole chapter had me chuckling heartily.
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 9th 2012 at 4:15:15 PM
Ok

It's now official that Tyra cannot possibly do math to save her life. seriously, It looks half assed in this book. if the math was tweeked and and wasn't this novel it would've made a good conspiracy. But no, it's just lazy. Also, Defacake, really? REALLY! THIS IS NOT A CHILDREN'S NOVEL! That name is only good for a comedic character. Why would Defacake be a good name for a "villain" in a serious novel.

also Lady Momus, it's "he's always loved her voice more than her face" not "he's always loved his voice more than her face". Also you're kinda right that the Queen was right to take the baby away. But I don't think that was one of her intentions. I realised that Insanity runs in the belladonna family. How else do you explain their chaotic, irrational, crazy person behaviour.

Anyway, Lady Momus, when you go on to do something else, how will I find it?

SKJAM Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 9th 2012 at 4:32:45 PM
Mind you, it is possible for women to go quite some time before realizing they're pregnant, particularly if they haven't had good sex ed, are kind of hefty and are physically active.

But La Donna, being model-thin, would certainly have noticed the weight gain and been working desperately to lose it, even if she didn't understand that there was a fetus in there.
LadyMomus Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 9th 2012 at 8:03:40 PM
gekkolexicon: Thanks for pointing out that typo. I fixed it.

If you want me to, I can PM you when I start a new liveblog.

My next liveblog will be a TV show instead of a book, and it will be about something I actually like. (I need a change of pace after Modelland.)
Koredesending Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 10th 2012 at 1:52:14 AM
There's a rape scene in a child's book. A RAPE SCENE IN A CHILD'S BOOK. I mean, it's convoluted and hard to understand, but holy hell Tyra.

LadyMomus Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 10th 2012 at 7:28:27 AM
^ Attempted rape, anyway. Creamy got interrupted before things could go any further than taking off shirts.

(And the book's advertised as teen/young adult. Not that it makes the scene any better.)
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 10th 2012 at 10:47:09 AM
You can PM me when you do your next liveblog. Thanks. -gives you a hug- That attempted rape scene better not lead to the birth of Tookie. though, I'll admit it that it wouldn't be likely that Tookie would be the child of Wingtip since Ci~L seems to be in her early twenties and this flashback took place at least 9 months after Ci~L's birth. If Tookie turns out to be her sister, I'd freak since it means Tookie is a big stupid sue and that Tura has no sense of logic.
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