Hey, everyone. Psyga315 here, wishing you a Merry Christmas... Yes, I am aware that Christmas has passed, but hey, let’s get festive. I’ve decided to pick out a movie from the darkest pits of my memory, one that was so bland and yet so mockable: Annabelles Wish. The one thing you need to know is that this was made during the 90’s. Which means that there will be a lot of old and tired 90’s tropes. Do you know what this means? A drinking game. Every time I see a 90’s trope, I drink. Now, without further to do, let’s dig into Annabelle’s Wish!
We start off in the North Pole where Santa Claus gets ready for his trip. After he takes off, Randy Travis starts narrating. Get used to him, because you will hear him a lot. Thankfully, he makes a great narrator voice. He talks about how Christmas Eve is a night for wishes and this night was special, since a calf was born in a small farm. And if the animation is any example, this calf was born by magic sprinkle dust. No, seriously. One shot was the magic sprinkle dust entering the farm, and suddenly a calf is right there sleeping next to her mother. Sure, real life birth would be nightmarish and squicky for kids
, but magic sprinkle dust? Oh, and according to Randy, a legend was made. The Legend of the Appearing Calf? Oh no, wait, the legend that would change the life of some kid forever. Oh, and the number of cows is now 626. Randy furthers my theory that the magic sprinkle dust created Annabelle because he states that it’s by no accident that she was born on Christmas Eve.
We then fade to some kids going carolling. I’ll let the dog say what I need to say to that. However, the old man reminds the dog that one of the kids, Emily, is been good to his son Billy. Randy pops by again to tell us that the old man, Grandpa Baker (I will refer to him as Baker) is a believer and that he has a wish too. And... is he rhyming? So anyways, the car breaks down in front of an old barn where two kids, one fat, the other skinny, pop out of... Do I even need to guess what role they will play? Fine, what ever, play the song, I gotta take a shot. {chug} Randy tells us that Billy had a problem, which will be revealed later on. Since the two bullies are pretty much the same flat character with nothing making them distinct other than their body weight, they will be referred to as one person named Buckybuster. Baker asks Buckybuster if he likes to go carolling with them. Much to everyone’s shock. Suddenly, a wild Jim Varney appears! Oh wait, it’s Gus. So anyways, Baker wishes Gus a Merry Christmas, but Gus just doesn’t have the Christmas spirit. Hey God, somebody’s in a bad mood on your son’s birthday. So Baker is disappointed that Gus is in a bad mood and goes to start the car up. Randy tells us that from the way the Holders (Buckybuster and Gus) acted, it’s as if they hate Christmas. NAAAAAW, Ya think? I’m sure he was gonna follow up with something like “They weren’t always in a bad mood, in fact they used to like Christmas until one fateful day...” but he doesn’t. He just shuts up and we have Emily go into a rant about how Buckybuster is a jerk. I just love the exchange between Billy and Emily.
Emily: I hope Santa has nothing left but dolls when he gets to their house.
Billy: {nods until he realizes what she’s saying. He then goes “Lol wut?”}
Emily: Well, he’s got to give ‘em something!
So after a Toy Ship Tease between Emily and Billy, she leaves. Randy supports the ship as the car parks outside of Baker’s house. The dog, Ears (guess why he’s called that) freaks out and begs Baker to go into the barn. When Baker asks Billy if he wants to come, he runs off into the house. Baker goes into the barn to see Annabelle. His first reaction to a baby calf that just spawned out of nowhere? “You got your Christmas present early!” Keep in mind, we don’t see Annabelle’s father anywhere. If anything, he should be asking, “How did you manage to conceive a child without a bull?” Once again, I blame the magical sprinkle dust. Baker then fixes a hole in the barn and laments on how he can patch up a barn, but not Billy. Well, he goes back and picks him up to tuck him in.
MEANWHILE, IN DA CIIIIIITAAAAAAAAY! We have our generic evil rich aunt. {chug} It will only be a while before she starts singing about money. But nah, she decorates her house and then laments on how her life is nearly perfect, but there is something missing: Money A child. Wait, what?
Agnes: And we know just where to get one, don’t we?
... Did she just ask me where to get a child? Hell if I know! Try an orphanage! But nah, we won’t have anything resembling a plot if she did that, so she goes to a lawyer to discuss how to have Billy. He tells her some exposition about how Billy got himself in Baker’s hands and that they don’t have any legal loopholes to jump through. And that he’s not getting paid much to find one. We don’t really know who this guy is. We never see his face, and he has no name. He is voiced by the same dude who did Lex Luthor in the 90's Superman cartoon... so in this world, Luthor Corporations is now a law firm? Cool. Anyways, Agnes whines about how she misses Billy, then she says that she gets what she wants. Anyone else getting yandere vibes from her?
You know what we need? Randy to tell us the plot some more. No, really. He’s like: “See that music box? That reminds Grandpa of his daughter Sarah. See that fire? That reminds Grandpa of the night Billy lost his voice!” It’s moments like this that make me wonder why we need a narrator for this movie, since his purpose seems to be telling us stuff that could be better shown in the movie. For example, maybe Baker is listening to the music box, and then talks to the sleeping Billy about his daughter Sarah instead of having Randy tell it for us. So anyways, Baker gets the flashback of how Billy lost his voice. See, this barn caught on fire for some reason (Magic Sprinkle Dust?) and everyone bursts from the barn’s doors, running out of the flames, not catching themselves on fire or burning themselves severely. Funny thing is that after this, Baker recalls the words from a doctor about how Billy will never talk again. So really, why do we need Randy to narrate the story? I don’t mind Randy’s masterful narrator voice, but they shown quite well that they can do exposition without needing to have a narrator tell the story. Randy does pop by again to tell us that Baker is refusing to give up on Billy. Now, several people have questioned why he can’t speak. Some say it’s trauma, others say it’s smoke inhalation. The latter sounds more buyable, especially due to what happens later on.
So Ears sneaks around the house and acts like The Klutz for a bit before going to the barn. Randy tells us about this other legend. Now, for scenes like this, it makes sense that the narrator tells us what’s happening. If this scene happened without someone telling what’s happening, they’d need some way of explaining what just happened. So anyways, he asks if I heard this legend before, and of course, I don’t. Okay, I do know the legend, but in an initial viewing, one does not know the legend.
Randy: You see, the story goes that on this night, Santa brings the animals a very special gift.
Yes. So anyways...
Randy: The story goes, children aren’t the only ones who get a gift from Santa.
... You just said that, but in different words. And what about adults? Don’t they get gifts too? Okay sure, they downright replace Santa in the real world, but this setting has Santa existing, so don’t they get gifts too? Isn’t this supposed to be a night made for wishes? So Santa makes the animals talk. Why? Why does Santa do this every Christmas? Why doesn’t he just give them presents like everyone else? According to the actual legend (Yes, there is an actual legend, they didn’t make it up... I think), God gave the animals the ability to speak in order for them to sing praise about Jesus Christ. However, this is those kinds of Christmas movies where there’s no actual Christianity to it, just that it’s Christmas. So this just makes it an excuse for animals to talk. {chug} At least it’s a better excuse than “I had nothing to say to you”.
So we have Annabelle playing the Naive Every Girl as he asks who Santa is. Anyways... How did the pig get Santa’s lunch box? In fact, how did Santa get into the barn? The animation clearly showed that the animals were blocking the entrance and that Annabelle was moving towards Santa, as in away from the barn entrance. Rarely do I see animation errors, but when you view a scene so many times, you notice these things, like how the “626” stands out more than the other numbers on the sign in the beginning. And how did the pig get Santa’s lunch box? Did he just sneak off, grabbed it, and then headed back to the barn? Anyways, after we hear the animals speak, Star, Annabelle’s mother who is aptly named for her star shaped mark, comes and tells Santa that she got the best gift of all. Okay, so Santa does have some hand in giving her the gift... but in that case how the hell does he not know Annabelle? He delivered her... unless the magical sparkle dust had something to do with it.
So Annabelle is looking at the reindeer and asks Santa what they are. When Santa tells them that they help him fly, she’s all like “Flllllllllly?” and looks at the camera like The Ditz she is. And so Santa decides to deliver presents at the Baker residence, where it appears he’s an Energy Being made of Magic Sparkle Dust. And he appears to be narrating, since he’s eating cookies and drinking milk as he speaks.
That or he’s a ventriloquist. Part 1 ends here, so stay tuned for part 2.
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