Third Time Is Not the Charm! Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: Threat of Satanic Communism!


Part 8: The Only Reason Why You're Bothering to Read This

Welcome back.

Yes, the title will be relevant later.

Previously, the group has defeated Lenin/Lennon, and Percy leaves for the United States of America. Jerry and his team stay in Russia, where they find out about the existence of (give me a break) Stalin Town. And they decide to take it back.

Even though, come to think of it, it's not theirs to begin with. It makes as much sense as, in U2's Rattle and Hum documentary, the band themselves "taking back" "Helter Skelter" (as in The Beatles' song) after a certain little murderer and his cult used the word for their own twisted...wait.

Holy shit.

Writing this made me realize how fucking similar the Prayer Warriors and this certain murderer (if you want to know, you inquiring little mind, you, look it up on Wikipedia) are. Holy fucking shit.

...I'll try to recover from this WTF as we move on with...

Chapter 15

Time for some chattime with Jesus and Thomas.

Thomas Brown: The next chapter will deal with Grover in Stalin Town.
Jesus Christ: Anymore news?
Thomas Brown: Yes, I like to mention that my cousin Ebony has decided not to help me with writing this story, but she is proofreading it.
Jesus Christ: Yes, she makes very good proofreading person, far better than your evil brother Noah!
Thomas Brown: I prefer Ebony. I can at least talk about our Lord Jesus Christ, unlike my brother who has completely turned away from Christ! He has even admitted to being a bi person (whatever that is, it must be some satanic cult worshiping a god named Bi* ).
Jesus Christ: That is truly awful.
Thomas Brown: Yes, but we must now go onto the story with deal with Grover in Stalin Town

Yes, the hottip? That was me. Of course, if he really knew what being Bi really is, then he'd still pitch a fit. So it's a no-win.

Also, it should be "proofreader", not "proofreading person".

Anyway, the POV shifts to Grover. His assignment, should he accept it, is to take out two evil forces, henchmen to Stalin. Said forces are in a secret police sort of thing that would find any hidden Christians.

Also, he created a church in order for those hidden Christians to feel safe. You know, helping them out is nice and all, but...there has got to be a better way to go around it. To create a church is like painting a target onto yourself and say, "look at me! Look at me! I'mma blatant target, so shoot me! :D" Preferrably while jumping up and down like a monkey on crack.

Speaking of crack, Grover and Rachael find the first person...a revived Benry. Hey, did you know that he wrote the evil My Immortal story, and there were so many pieces of evidence pointing towards him? No? Well, you do now, because the author said so! Also, he's living in the eastern portion of Stalin Town.

And why did I say "speaking of crack"? Why is the installment title relevant? Take a look for yourself.

"And so I found Benry dealing with illegal drugs (but because Stalin had legalized drugs, he was allowed to continue, but because it is condemned under American law which is the law I go under, I had to punish him) to a group of drug lords, named Rika and Book."

Never mind the idea that Stalin, somehow, legalized drugs. Never mind the WTF-inducing laws Grover takes on instead of "adapting" to another culture. Remember in the few installments before where I stated that Books' appearance will be relevant? This is where it all begins. That's right, Thomas created yet another Strawman Take That character.

But wait, there's more! There's one more Strawman character representing who Thomas hates. Know any other Troper who sometimes goes by the name of "Rika"? Who is also a liveblogger?

Yes. That's right. The Rika featured in this story? That's me.

I'm immortalized in this shitfic.

Victory for me!

Anyway, what do you want to bet that these two new Strawmen will go down easily? In that case, I'm actually hoping that Prayer Warriors!me doesn't get her body pissed on. Because it's overdone and ewwwww.

Grover takes out a sniper rifle and waits for the perfect time to shoot Benry. Prayer Warriors!Rika, who I can imagine has black hair, limpid blue eyes, and clad in black because why the hell not, promises to be careful with the drugs, and Books asks how much it'll cost her. Answer?

Twenty. Thousand. Dollars.

Prayer Warriors!Rika gives Benry the moolah, and she and Books take off. By the way, I'm noticing that Prayer Warriors!Rika is stating the obvious/reading the stage directions out loud.

I don't do I? Well, I certainly as hell don't read the stage directions out loud.

In any event, Grover shoots Benry in the head, making it go kaboom.

Prayer Warriors!Rika (thinking to herself): "Huh...Benry's shot in the head. Better bury his ass before he comes back to life again, asshole; by the way, your time will be up soon."

No, she doesn't really say that, but I'd like to think that she thinks that.

Rachael returns a half-hour after Grover does, telling the story of how she defeated another enemy—Idiosy. Again, I should note. He was bathing with lots of nekked women—who, by the way, are his wives. Lucky bastard. Unfortunately, Disproportionate Retribution strikes again, as Rachael stabbed him in the throat and his sensitive guy parts after the ladies take a shower.


She burned down the house before anyone could realize what's going on. Unfortunately for the ladies and guards, they were burned to death. Um...they did have a chance to escape, right?

The story ends with Grover being happy with the deaths, and he writes to Jerry, explaining what happened.

By the way, the next chapter is gonna get clusterfuckial.

Chapter 16

The POV shifts back to Jerry as he and Clarisse head over to a battlefield. From there...Stalin's wearing a T-shirt with the image of Satan on it. On top of black armor. What.

That has got to be one of the dumbest fashion statements ever. Thanks for that, shitfic.

Stalin is happy to see them and how their forces have defeated two of his henchmen. Now they're going to face probably one of the strongest ones ever. And judging by the WTF-text, named by one Sparty McFly to be, paraphrasing, "retardedese" (sorry), that is true.

In other words, the fucker is trying to confuse me.

So because it's nigh-incomprehensible, I'll give you my take on the tale. I did give out some...creative liberties.

But before we begin, we get a description of Prayer Warriors!Rika, their opponent. She is a guy here, described as looking like Robert Patterson Pattinson, who looks like a Satanic drug addict—and is a Satanist just because he played a shitty vampire. No. Just hell no. First off, Pattinson isn't a Satanist because he...took on an infamous role. (Me, I still remember him as one Cedric Diggory. It helps to fight back the bad taste.) Secondly, if I ever have a male form, it would not look like Robert Pattinson—no offense to the guy, he's a good person and a decent actor.

If I had to choose for an actor who can play me as a dude, take a wild fucking guess as to who it would be. In my head, for the purposes of my take on the shittale? I'll do it, running the risk of that poor bastard to be called a Satanist.

(And if it does happen, allow me to say to the Actor that Shall Not be Named Because I Want Him Out of the Line of Thomas' Fire one thing: I am so, so, so very sorry.)

Let's begin, shall we?

"As soon as our prayer warriors sounded the trumpet, the signal for battle of blood shall fall like a torch, because in wildly darted one another, as whetting their savage boar teeth began to fight with the dew of the foam of his beard, and they made you, every man under shield of their spears, but here is crouched idly off and if others saw his face on the crown of a spear, or directly intended thereat try to eager to him."

As the Prayer Warriors surrounded Rika, they prepared themselves for battle, acting, fittingly, like a bunch of wild animals. Rika himself, for he used a power of gender-bend before the battle because women suck ass at fighting and men are stronger, stared at the army with a very Dull Surprise look.

"You morons are way too excited for my tastes, for fuck's sake, you're acting very wild!" he groaned. "Are you that fucking excited to kill me and take me on?"

"YES!" screamed the Prayer Warriors.

"But both are so carefully guarded attitude by his spies' holes in their shields, which found nothing looters-in from the arms to make war with much sweat trickled from their terror. Rika kicking apart a sudden in the stone rolled away from under the tread exposed outside the shield, and a member of this author seeing that the case mentioned by the stroke of a spear in his hand, his leg and he went through the Argive shaft, whereat one and the satanic and cried for joy."

The battle began. Before the Prayer Warriors could begin to Curb Stomp, Rika decided to give them a taste of their own medicine, kicking a stone the fuck outta nowhere. It smashed a great deal of the Prayer Warriors, irony, indeed, but Jerry struck back by spearing Rika...barely. In the leg.

This made Jerry happy, but Rika had so many tricks up his sleeve. He wasn't going to let this fuckwad take him down like a punk.

"Oh, it's on," Rika hissed, bringing himself to a full height. "I'll take you on now!"

"Wounded a man, with shoulder kept the charge of lab or with all my strength plunged his spear into his breast Stan this author, restoring the joy of the citizens, if the head from above the twinkling of an destroyed it, and retreated to the harm of weapon shivered weapon of another splintered the foot of the foot even to take a stone and he let it fly, and now a pair of be no fighting, he had lost between the lance. Clutching their sword hilts then they shut up, and roundabout, with their shields narrow, and having waged war at the country-folk."

In revenge, Rika slew a Prayer Warrior, glee in his Satanic face. But then, Jerry stabbed him in the chest, and the people rejoiced. Alas! Rika didn't even fall! That happiness broke when he was still standing.

"You didn't really think that you'd be able to kill me that easily," Rika sneered. "You're a fucking idiot. You thought you'd be so high and mighty, but no! In reality, your egotism is affecting you. You can't win."

Rika took a stone and crushed Jerry's foot, but in response, the Prayer Warrior disarmed Rika from his sword with his own lance. The two men circled around one another. Truthfully, Rika was ready to beat Jerry, perhaps trying to convert him to Satanism even if it meant torturing him with "Eenie Meenie" in order to accomplish his goals.

But Jerry had other plans.

"Soon after, Rika introduced that crafty satanic trick with any of that country, disengaging from the conjunction of their knowledge of him at once a struggle back to their left foot into a pit next to another stomach held the eye from a distance and then he plunged his right foot by a weapon in the navel of his old age and fixed thorns. Down falls this author, blood-bespattered, the contracting ribs and belly in his agony. But thinking that it was full of victory, threw down his sword, and to him, intent on spoiling ignorant of himself."

But before Jerry could curb-stomp Rika into oblivion, the Satanist used a magical spell. Which was your typical trap trick, but brutal. Jerry fell into the pit, getting stabbed with thorns every which way, the height and force of the fall breaking nearly every bone in his body.

Jerry was in agony, he was near-death. How could he have been so arrogant? He thought for sure that he would curb-stomp that evil, vile Satanist. If only he knew how powerful Rika really, really was. Indeed, even though he was a Satanist, Rika was a worthy opponent.

Too bad that he was so twisted, he had to die. Had Rika had any hope in his heart, he would have been converted, but no.

At least his corpse would not be pissed on after this. Should Jerry somehow win.

"Hmph! Just look at you!" Rika screamed in happiness. "You're down for the count. As soon as I destroy your Prayer Warriors, I'll see to it that Communism will reign over all! Of Russia! The fucking Soviet Union!

"I don't know if other countries will follow our example. But if they do...I promise you that the working class will realize how great we are. And they will live lives that are no longer bound by silly rules! So I ask you this, WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?!"

"And this was the fall of this author for the first who had revolted, yet breathing faintly, and made lab or more grievous retained last fall by his sword and thrust it in the heart of Rika. Established there according to foul teeth biting the dust but that is in his agony."

As Rika laughed his Evil Laugh, Jerry gained all of his strength. "You Satanic ass, my God is always with me!" he yelled. He grabbed his sword and stabbed Rika fully in the heart, with the blade sticking out of his body.

Rika screamed as he fell, going into his death throes. "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'LL SEE YOU IN HEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLL!!" he roared, falling to the ground. He was stone-cold dead, face-down, his mouth tasting the dust.

So if you got all that, if the actual story's close to my interpretation...I have to admit. That was actually a damned good fight! Yeah, Prayer Warriors!Rika still died, give it a Worthy Opponent-type fight where I wasn't curb-stomped...and, for once, Jerry took a shitload of damage...I have to admit, that

If that was his intention all along, then I must salute Thomas for actually giving one of his Strawman Representations a fair fight. If not, well...

Stalin is impressed by the fight, and he asks Jerry if he can defeat the evil Books. Who is said to be strong and a blatant Satanist. Jerry, despite, you know, being injured to hell and back, agrees, ending both the chapter and this installment.

Well, we have one more installment left! And that will be a biggie. Can the Prayer Warriors defeat Books and Stalin? Will Grover die again? And will there be a possibility that Prayer Warriors!Rika be resurrected by an Ass Pull and demolish the "heroes"?

Awaken that soul on the concluding liveblog of The Prayer Warriors: Threat of Satanic Communism!


Did someone run that 'fight scene' through Babelfish a few times? It reads like it was translated to Cantonese and back.
arbane 29th Jan 12
Apparentally, according to the Discussion for this series, it may sound like he ran it through a foreign version of The Iliad (or The Odyssey), copypasting it.

...which, if it's true, actually makes the fight scene a lot worse than when I initially praised it. Despite Prayer Warriors!Rika actually not going down like a damn punk.
arcadiarika 19th Feb 12
Ha, eat it Jerry. That is why you don't mess with troppers. We know where all the plot holes are.
chaosconsortium 17th Jun 14