So every time I want to do something important like write an article for When All Else Fails
or or work on the video version of When All Else Fails or working on this liveblog, I keep getting these urges to go Minecraft or go play Team Fortress 2. And you know, I still need to play Assassin's Creed for the first time, and I'm currently at the end game for Mass Effect. I could be doing any of these things.
And instead I return to you people after doing alot of cashiering to entertain you with my insight.
I forgot when I alst left off that I was in Monstro's belly. Monstro, that whale thing from the Pinocchio movie I never saw. If I recall correctly, Pinocchio was being a jerk and ran off into the depths of Monstro. First of all, dick move, second of all, dumb idea, third of all HOW IS A GIANT WHALE SURVIVING IN THE MIDDLE OF SPACE AND CAPABLE OF SWALLOWING US IN SPACE!? HOW! HOW? HOW!?
I mean first of all how is it getting it's trust and momentum, how is it not turning inside out in the vacuum of space, how are Geppetto and his kid able to survive without air or resources? How are all those ship parts still stable in Monstro's body? WHY DOES THIS GAME HAVE TO MAKE SO LITTLE SENSE ALREADY?!?
Okay, so I go after puppet lad and already I am repulsed by Chamber 1.
I played Legend of Zelda
games. Jabu Jabu's belly in Ocarina of Time
disturbed me, disconcerted me, but it didn't make me physically ill. Not like chamber 1 in Monstros's body. It's not pulsating, it's glowing all multicolored splotches on a grayish blue base and all it does is me my skin crawl as I am quickly reminded of my irrational fear of spots. I wish i could skip this so very badly....
So I find Pinocchio and.... Riku? The hell is he doing in there? My god, he's a stalker and
a jerk! I mean who follows their mindless ex-gay lover into the depths of a giant whale's stomach just to kidnap a walking talking wooden dildo?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GAME!? I WOULD NEVER DO THIS! For some reason playing this game somehow forces me to resort to sexual and crud humor not normal to me., I am for more used to using puns, wordplay, references, and sarcasm, this is very jarring. There is just something about this game....
So anyway, I now need to go further into Monstro.... God, I wish it would just end. If I could get goosebumps I would have them right now because now I keep looking to my skin, making sure everything is not covered in pulsating spots.... spots.....
Before I can follow Riku I encounter three goodly-eyed ghosts, no doubt the spirits of the previous sailors that perished in the bowels of Monstro.
Question, why is there a giant while eating people and ships? Whales breech. I'm pretty sure the most dangerous you'd get out of a whale is an Orca whale. also, why have we not died in it's digestive tract?
In chamber three I find that there are heartless here, gee I wonder why *coughrikucough*, as well as ghosts. Nothing special though, just your average heartless grunts and the fat ones. This just means this is some cruddy mini dungeon most normal games would've given you the opportunity to take a look at at your own leisure but totally skippable. Chances are it doesn't even have a real boss.
I enter chamber two to find that there are aviator heartless and a few wizard heartless too. Still run of the mill heartless, this almost emphasizes my point.
I beat them in short order, and relearning how to play the game, realizing how unintuitive the controls are and really making me yearn for The Legend Of Zelda, and it reminds me I need to continue playing Okami.