Well today, I've decided to MST an essay. What? You were expecting a bad song? Too bad. Waluigi time.
Civil War Hero –
CROW: Boy, the Call of Duty titles have gotten less imaginative.
During the Civil War many people influenced because of being such great Heroes. Well only one of these people actually did something.
TOM: The other people just sat around drinking all day.
This was a man amongst men it is just a shame that he was killed. Jesus was probably the main factor why the Civil war was fought the way it was. Not only was Jesus super cool he was really smart.
MIKE: That Jesus is totally one radical dude, dawg!!
Jesus was born in 1923 about the time of the roaring 20’s
TOM: So he actually had nothing to do with the Civil War at all.
(or when you were born Btw did you go to school with him.)
MIKE: No, but I did go to school with Moses. That kid always tried to part whatever was in the science lab beakers.
Si anyways everyone knew Jesus
CROW: Could speak Spanish.
was something great. When he turned three he mastered the pogo stick everyone knows how hard that damn thing is.
TOM: Pfft! Get back to me when Jesus masters the Bop-it.
Shortly after he was bored with it so he bought a bike. One day he was out on this nice bike he just spent a lot of money on and some black guy stole it out from underneath him.
MIKE: Later, some Asian kid got the top marks in Jesus’s math class.
He ran after him for hours screaming, “nigga stole my bike!” no one did anything at all.
CROW: The people were tired of old Internet memes.
This is when he knew it was time for a change.
TOM: So he marched down to the nearest Klan headquarters.
He quickly learned that black people don’t steal scooters.
MIKE: White people steal them.
So he asked Marty Mcfly could bring him one from the past because those things died along with president Clinton.
TOM: But I thought this was taking place in the 1920’s!!
CROW: Doc Brown must’ve broke the space-time continuum.
He got his scooter and rode it from Springfield New York all the way to Olympia Washington, that’s like 5 billion miles that’s e lot even for an airplane.
MIKE (author): But what do I know? I got an “F” in both Basic Math and Logic 101.
Once he got there he came up with a plan, this plan seemed crazy, it was called the non-violent protest.
TOM: Publicly expressing your dislike without resorting to violence? That’ll never catch on.
He sat around for days until someone just told him he could have the government.
CROW [sarcastic]: Because someone living on the streets seems reasonable enough to run the country.
He decided that black peoeple needed to stop stealing bikes. Because of this the Civil War broke out. The Civil war was between China and Pakistan.
MIKE: You see, China needed the stolen bikes for transportation.
CROW: And Pakistan just wanted to get involved in a war.
The people fought for about fifty years the war finally ended in 2020.
TOM (author): This is how math works, right?
But only because China was like Jesus we are out of ammo, Jesus simply replied
CROW: Martini. It really didn’t make a whole lot of sense but to the Chinese people it did and thats why Jesus helped China win the Civil War.
“What do I have to work with?” he only had a banana, 15 seconds later he developed the atom bomb and dropped it on Pakistan and killed a lot of people.
MIKE: Well, that was just.
The people thought Jesus was moding so they quit and joined a new server. Once the war was over Jesus was hit by a car, and with his last breath he said “warship me!”
TOM [Jesus]: Hollow me out and use me as a boat!
and died. As you can see without Jesus the world would be a terrible place.
CROW: He was a horrendous racist and also started a war that killed millions of people!! Hooray!!
All over the world black people would be stealing your bike. So without him, we all would be helpless.
MIKE: Remember: Only YOU can prevent the spread of dead Internet memes.
I sense a lot of Insane Troll Logic
behind this essay.