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SMOKING DRUGS: Let's Read Latawnya The Naughty Horse!

Shlapintogan
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BE FOR REAL DAMMIT

Using drugs will kill. So be for real. Using drugs is not a good idea. You can call me names and talk about me too. I don't use drugs and neither should you.

Thank you, Sylvia Scott Gibson. Thank you for starting off on a strong note.

Seriously, it's like Ms. Gibson just woke up one day and decided that she had to go on some sort of anti-drugs crusade, and she had to go about it in the most poorly written possible way. Don't get me wrong, I myself do not use drugs, unless they're medicinal and necessary, y'know, like cold medicine, but damn, lady.

Just... damn.

See, I can almost imagine this woman sitting at a typewriter  * thinking of how she could convey her "message" to the troubled youths of the late eighties, who were just coming into the glorious golden age that was to be the nineties. I feel it is unnecessary to note just how successful she was.

Okay, so we're one page in and I'm already getting absurdly hateful towards a woman I've never met in my life. There are eighteen more pages not counting pictures. This Is Gonna Suck doesn't even begin to describe it. Then again, Latawnya the Naughty Horse Learns to Say No to Drugs isn't known for being coherent and readable. No, it's known for being one of the prime targets for Bile Fascination. It's like watching a trainwreck hitting an orphanage which then explodes. You don't want to look, but you just can't help yourself. That is a terrible thing.

Let's try and get through the next... let's say five pages, shall we?

So the story starts out with a horse named Latawnya who always does what she sees others doing, without regard for the consequences. So, we have already established two things about Latawnya:

  • She is a horse.
  • She is a tool.

The book helpfully states that Latawnya doesn't give a rat's ass about what others think about her actions, she'd just "be a naughty horse and do."

Be a naughty horse and do. Just let that sink in for a bit.

It's okay, I cringed a bit, too. But let's move on. Latawnya and her family live in a quiet county not far from a town. Latawnya's family is large, to say the least, she has seven sisters and one brother named Gregory. I can't remember off the top of my head (and I don't want to read further right away) but I don't think Gregory ever actually appears in the story. I could be wrong, don't lose any sleep over it. But yeah, Latawnya wants to go play in the woods, so she and two of her sisters, named Latoya and Daisy, ask their mother, Sylvia, and their father, James horse, if they can.

Sylvia tells them they can, presumably because she secretly resents them and hopes that the bears are currently not hibernating. After all, she's had seven kids, she must be feeling next to dead on the inside trying to love them all equally, it would be so much easier for absolutely everyone if a few just... disappeared. She does tell them to be sure to come back soon so they can do their chores.

What kind of chores could a horse mother possibly have for her horse children? Is she going to make them clean their stables? Make them make their hay? This shit be bananas.

Anyway, they go into the woods, all giddy from being told they could, and soon Latawnya hears a noise in the bushes. Latoya and Daisy ask each other if they heard the noise, and then Latawnya, being the jackass that she is, mimics the noise. This doesn't sit well with Latoya and Daisy, mainly because they have no sense of humor. I can imagine they will grow up to be horse accountants with many a horse suitor. Oh wait, I'm assuming that anyone depicted in this story is A) real and B) able to grasp any remaining potential for success in their miserable lives. Glue factory for everyone.

That's about all I can take for now. My brain is starting to force it's way out of my left ear, but it's finding that to be too daunting of a task for its exhausted synapses to handle at the moment. So next time, we'll handle the next five pages.

Comments

"It's like watching a trainwreck hitting an orphanage which then explodes."

Don't forget about the bus full of nuns.
WillyFourEyes 14th Dec 10