All Comments
Modelland: A Blind Sporking
Welcome to the Sporking
I thought her name came from the god Tyr.

Regardless, I'm happy you're doing this! Great start.
DoktorvonEurotrash
So did I, but according to Behind the Name, it comes from Thor. Either way, it's an awesome name.

Tookie De La Crme, on the other hand . . .
LadyMomus
Bahahahah. You're adorable.
MrAHR
I appreciate what you're about to do.

Truly.
MadassAlex
*salutes* You're a brave woman, soldier. A braver woman than many of us.
FreezairForALimitedTime
So... apparently this book is like 500 or 600 pages long. Have fun.
Evergreen215
Are you going to do all three books?
TheEmeraldDragon
I haven't decided yet. They aren't out yet (Modelland was only released a few weeks ago), and I can't find anything about when the other two will be published.
LadyMomus

146.115.70.243

moharroll
this is a really good book . Ci-l
99.248.111.0

99.248.111.0
I did the same thing! Learn to embrace girly things after years of knee-jerk hatred, that is. Nice to know I'm not alone.
sliz225
Prologue: It's A Beautiful Day for an Infodump
What is this, a Choose Your Own Adventure novel? Stop telling me what I think and feel. I AM NOT A MODEL— I AM A FREE (WO)MAN!

There's just... so much wrong with this. Goodness great-shoes? Goodness great-shoes?! I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Wait, yes I do— I am laughing. I am laughing so hard tea and peanuts are coming out my nose.

Also, SMIZES = Golden Tickets? It's really hard for me to imagine them as anything else. I await Tookie (snerk) meeting the seven other Wacky Contestants (TM) who get bumped off one by one for breaking their Modelland promises. One gets turned into a blueberry, trust me on this.
Ronka87
Holy crapmuffins. This is practically...drug-inducing.

Also, how'd you do the picture thing? I do my own crappy liveblog, and I don't know how to do that.
MrAHR
Ronka87: There are definite Willy Wonka parallels. (It gets more blatant in the first chapter.) Except the SMIZEs are inferior to the Golden Tickets, since they don't guarantee you'll win. They just improve your odds.

Mr AHR: Upload an image with the Image Uploader. When you upload the picture, it will give the code for displaying the image.
LadyMomus
Xiaolin Showdown? YES! Even if it attracts ghosts, clumsy evil geniuses, and sexy sexy diabolical maniacs (...hmmm...), I'd much rather end up with a Shen Gong Wu than one of those pieces o' not-great.

However, if Tookie doesn't want to be chosen, could that mean she's the Only Sane Woman? Hmmm...

Also, I gotta say, that dedication... It's goofy, but you know what? I kinda like it. So... points for that, at least.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Oh man, that excerpt I read on Amazon WASN'T from the beginning?! My opinion of this book is even worse.
Sharysa
The concept has lots of potential for Deconstruction. Cliche Storms that turn out to be Deconstructions are rare, but they do happen. See Linebarrels Of Iron, for example. (Or better yet, don't; I haven't seen it myself, but I'm told the concept is executed in a rather annoying way. Deconstructions aren't always good, after all.)
silver2195
"However, if Tookie doesn't want to be chosen, could that mean she's the Only Sane Woman?"

She's the only one who doesn't think she going to be chosen. So she's either: the only realistic girl in this universe, or the only girl with crippling low self-esteem. (The first chapter indicates the latter.)
LadyMomus
Wait. Is the human sacrifice rumour actually in the book?

I'm going to hold out hope that it turns out to be true.
DoktorvonEurotrash
"Wait. Is the human sacrifice rumour actually in the book?"

Yep. I'm sincerely hoping there's truth in it, because that would make this much more interesting.
LadyMomus
I see SMIZES and I read it as SM SIZE. How...approriate.
TheEmeraldDragon
I lost it at the bra simile. My six-year-old cousin can tell a better story than this.

Hell, Stephanie freaking Meyer can tell a better story than this.
Mort08
"We get more painful purple prose about a glowing eye appearing above the mountain, "

Sauron runs a modeling school?
KhymChanur

NothingUnusualHere
Chapter 1: LOL WTH BBQ OSHA SOS
Presumably, with the name Tookie, Tyra Banks was looking to make a... shall we say, callipygian impression. Instead, all together, it feels more like "pasty white fatty ass."

Where the hell is Gowdee, anyway?
FreezairForALimitedTime
I can't get over the "feet the size of snowshoes." She should barely be able to walk with those!
ShieldOfDoom
Is it just me, or does "Theophilius Lovelace" sound like a Shout Out to Xenophilius Lovegood?
snowfoxofdeath
This book sounds horrible. D: Good luck with the liveblog, though - should be plenty to make fun of.
SapphireBlue
When I first heard of this book (which was just some minutes ago), I just thought "...what?". Now, I'm thinking "WHAT THE FUCK?".

But it's grade A snark bait and I think I'll follow Ass Cream's "adventure" further.
Nyarly
Ahahaha what.
MrAHR
Bonus WTF: Methane gas is actually odorless. It needs sulfur compounds added in to have any smell at all.
72.200.79.116
I think Tyra Banks is trying to make her own language. And failing. Seriously, this book looks like the ramblings of an unmedicated schizophrenic.
Neo_Crimson
well i absolutly lovvved!!!! the book modelland!!!!!!!!

68.5.145.53
the person who said she shouldnt b able to walk with tht size feet...its called a metaphor, u should really do more research before critisizing the way tyra banks writes

68.5.145.53
That isn't a metaphor. It's a poorly executed simile.
ElmeraMidas
eyes "three centimeters too far apart"

Is that even possible without a person having a congenital deformity? I mean, wouldn't that place her eyes nearly in her temples?
KhymChanur
Chapter 2: Things Get Awkward
I hate to rush to this book's defense, but I'm not so sure that's a misuse of "literally." Literally means "exactly; correctly; as written," doesn't it? And she was "grounded" by being put upon the ground. "Grounded" is usually metaphorical, i.e. stuck in one's room, or restricted from some activity ("grounded from" doing something); in this case, it's used in an exact sense of being stuck on the ground.

As for "Yonzi" sceme, the Ponzi scheme was named after a real person, so she could've been trying to create a "fantasy feel" by changing the name around. So, yeah.
FreezairForALimitedTime
My main problem with saying she was literally grounded, is that she wasn't put on the ground. She was put on the floor.

I'll admit that I'm being nitpicky, but stuff like that bugs me.
LadyMomus
Unless she was flying, there is no literal grounding.
MrAHR
The definition of "ground" as a verb means simply "to lay or place upon the earth," going by Dictionary.com. No mention of it having to pertain to flight.
FreezairForALimitedTime

Hooboy... I now fully believe that this wasn't written by a ghostwriter. Unfortunately, I don't know whether this is a good thing or not.
Fancolors
Another definition of grounding would be to ground her up into dust as punishment.

Tough love, man.
MangaManiac
Fancolors: In my opinion, the book is So Bad Its Good. So far, I am thoroughly enjoying it.
LadyMomus
Don't mix ammonia and bleach, you moroon! /moreyouknow

(Not you, the book.)
72.200.79.116
What the... what the hell?? This is the most insipid crap I've ever seen published.
Merlo
This story was published on its own merits and not because the writer is a already-known celebrity. -breaks nearby sarcasm detectors-
vanishingreality
Large cities may contain sections in more than one county. So yes, there could be a Shiverly County hospital.
SKJAM
Noooo, the over-used Alpha Bitch tropes...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
CaligulaSympathizer
"How I wish I could hand her a pair of loofah mitts or offer her a scalding bath with he essential oils of eucalyptus, bergamot and ylang-ylang . . ." Sic? Or did you accidentally type "with 'he' essential" instead of "with 'the' essentials?"
sliz225
I should probably stop reading, as this is making me want to assassinate Tyra Banks.
Mort08

DemonWhelp
Chapter 3: Broken Home
"overweight human/Crobat hybrid wearing a leotard."

Well, Gligarman exists.

And funny how side characters often end up more interesting than the main character.

"[The Baroness] ruined the lives of tens of thousands and scarred the image of the annual Intoxistakes event, in which second-year students travel to Striptown and gamblers bet on which girls will become Intoxibellas upon graduation."

...I have no words.
Cliche
Protagonists getting upstaged by supporting characters is pretty common. Sadly. I kinda want to see where Myrracle goes too. I mean, when you think about it, even their names have signs of favoritism: "Ass" versus "Miracle," eh?

Also, "Creamy De La Creme?" Really? Really?
FreezairForALimitedTime
On the plus side, "De La Creme" isn't Creamy's maiden name...that we know of.

On the other hand, her parents still named her Creamy.
TheEmeraldDragon
WMG: Out of apathy and maybe pressure from her mother, Tookie gives her SMIZE to her sister, but gets picked to be an Intoxibella anyway. Because I cannot imagine anything more dull that Tookie finding a SMIZE and having it help her get into the magic mountain thing. Where's the tension in that? But maybe I am giving Tyra Banks' storycrafting skills too much credit.
Ronka87
I don't understand why people are trying to understand Modelland's plot.

FLCL made much more sense than this.

Also, Lizzie would make a much better main character than both Tookie and Myracle.
Wheezy

RainbowBattleCats
That story about being a famous dancer before losing an eye made me think of Sagat from Street Fighter. I imagine her dad losing it in a vicious dance off with the Modelland equivalent of Gou Hibiki.
DrDahm
Myracle <3 she might actually be the ensemble darkhorse of the book.
CaligulaSympathizer
Chapter 4: SMIZE Rules
And with that, the SMIZE goes from near worthless to near essential. If only appearance was really as simple as putting on a rare and valuable (and stupid-looking) ornament.
Cliche
Eye eye eye.

Myrracle is still a more interesting character. Her flaws aren't only skin-deep!

Maybe she and Tookie will both get chosen. Then we'll still have her around!
75.164.111.86
Wait, the narrator just disappeared? Who's telling the story now?
Jergling
Each chapter was beginning with the narrator talking to the reader about what was happening via Infodumps. Then it would switch to third person narration for the actual story.

Now, the book is sticking with third-person POV (no more talking to the reader directly). I hope it stays that way. It's much less annoying.
LadyMomus
What's so annoying about it, dahling?
Jergling
This is just begging for a Twilight/Modelland crossover fic.

Fuck you, Lady Momus. Fuck you for putting that image in my head.
Neo_Crimson
Neo_Crimson: What? You don't like Kill Em All hate fics? ;)
LadyMomus
Hell no. Twilight is kilometers better than this!
Mort08
Chapter 5: Daddy Issues
"But then again, I also don't see how it's physically possible for the mirror to shine in his eyes when the one light source was above him and the mirror was pointed away from him. Clearly, I just don't understand science."

This doesn't qualify as a blatant mistake? But even besides that, talk about a contrived "accident".
Cliche
I spent all that time talking about it, and forgot to include it on the list. Oops.

I'll fix that now. Thanks for pointing that out.
LadyMomus
Oh lord, even the book uses portmanteau couple names. I liked yours better.

Also, Creme-Crobat? He has a hyphenated last name? Is it possible that, in this universe, men take their wives' last names instead of the other way around being common? Given how hateful the rest of this society seems to be towards guys, at least with the SMIZE thing...
FreezairForALimitedTime
His real name is Christopher De La Crme. Chris-Crme-Crobat is his stage name. I think it's supposed to be a combination of his name and "acrobat", but it looks incredibly silly.
LadyMomus
Let's do some math here! We'll assume Mr. De La Crme weighed roughly 70kg (he's a dancer, after all) and that 7 stories is 23m. If he were incredibly well-aimed, and 2m tall, he would decelerate over the entire length of his body.

v^2=0+2ad where a=9.8 and d=23. v=21.23m/s

applying this to the last 2m (we're basically calculating the deceleration of his head): 0=21.23^2 - 2(a)2 -> a=112.7m/s^2

112.7/9.8 = 11.5G

According to Wikipedia, this is comparable to taking a max-speed turn in a fighter jet. He would have been knocked unconscious even if he redirected all of the fall energy perfectly. It also sounds like he fell head-first, which is a more serious problem.

(I just realized he really only accelerates for 21m. Not a big difference, though)
Jergling
"Chris-Crme-Crobat then arched upward to stand from his backbend and face his adoring, applauding, whistling, screaming fans. Ever the devoted showman, he thrust himself forward into a deep bow, impaling his eye on one of the five-foot swords at the perimeter of the stage."

I... what the shit. Seriously, WHAT.

I dunno though, am I a bad person for finding the rest of their interaction a little cute, other than the "look of disgust" part?
Merlo
So is Chris a dancer or an acrobat? I guess you can add the difference between the two to the list of things that Tyra doesn't know. This chapter actually made me pretty sad. Now all my dreams of dancing Dan Hibiki avenging his father have been dashed! Sorry, that alliteration hurt me too.
DrDahm
-opens mouth, tries to speak, fails, closes mouth, shakes head, sobs-
Mort08
Chapter 6: Stunning, Statuesque, Strobotronic Stars with Stupefying Stratospheric Struts
Your WM Gs are so much more interesting than the actual story.
Sharysa
"Teleportal" was a word invented by Squirrelking - author of "Quarter Life: Halfway to destruction". It's a good thing she didn't use the words "exscream" or "plasmaed," or she'd have a class-action lawsuit on her hands.
Jergling
Correction: Squirrelking wrote "Half Life: Full life consequences," and the following trilogy, which included the word "teleportal". I really hope he doesn't sue me for this.
Jergling
"If I had her, I'd have a different girl every night! . . . I could stop cheating!"

Was that your quip, the book, or someone else? In any case, I am thoroughly amused.
Cliche
Cliche: It's from the book. One of the men in the crowd shouts it. It's one of the few intentionally funny moments so far.
LadyMomus
Have you ever read something so alien that it entirely alters your worldview?

I mean, it's so incomprehensible and bizarrely-written that it obliterates all of your ideas about what fiction is?

This book is that.

I mean, I'm not even reading the actual thing - just your attempts to make sense of it - but the plot is so convoluted, the Constructed World is such an eldritch Cloud Cuckooland, and the names are so weird that halfway through reading this liveblog, my mind dissolved. In that moment, everything I was ever taught about fiction having to make sense simply went away.

It didn't stop there. As I kept reading, the book destroyed my conception of reality itself.

I realized that in order to produce a book this utterly what, the universe must not be founded on rational principals. All order we imagine in it is merely a weak facade protecting our feeble minds from the infinite, incomprehensible chaos of what we call reality. Tyra Banks has demolished this facade with a great explosion of sparkles and face powders, laying bare a cosmos so fathomless we will never grasp even the slightest idea of how it works, or what it even is.

I see now the entire universe. I see forever. Everything makes sense, and it is nonsense. Logic is a lie, and we are all bacteria trying to comprehend an insane God.

I give this book no stars, but at the same time, infinite stars.
Wheezy
At least we can be sure how how "7Seven" is pronounced.

Also, this:

Seduksheeon

is officially the stupidest-looking word I have ever encountered.
FreezairForALimitedTime
My guess would be that Lizzie is Ci~L.
Nyktos
Lizzie as Ci~L? Why didn't I think of that?

It's completely possible since Ci~L should have both the power of "ThirtyNever" and shapeshifting. Then again, having shapeshifters running around means we should probably be suspicious about everyone.
LadyMomus
I feel kind of bad for the seductive one. If Sinndees' power is making any man automatically want her then she can never be sure if the men she sleeps with actually want her or not.

It also means that she might accidentally be a serial rapist. How do those men react when they wake up after a night with her and remember that they have wives or girlfriends that they were just forced to cheat on?
DrDahm

LadyMorigan
Chapter 7: Called It
Poor Lizzie indeed. Medical malpractice, abuse, and now all this nutcasery. Somebody transport this girl to a story with a shrink!
FreezairForALimitedTime
But shrinks have such horrible fashion sense Dah-ling~.
GIG
"Maybe if they didn't stare so adoringly at her mother, Mrs. De La Crme could resist their charms and would share some of her love with Tookie.

That is simultaneously disturbing and sad."

Have you read V For Vendetta, by any chance?
Cliche (edited by: Cliche)
"Have you read V For Vendetta, by any chance?"

Yes, although it's been a while.

I'd say burning Mrs. De La Crme's dolls wouldn't be very helpful, though. I'd sell them and use them to pay for repairs to their house. Or - in the case of Mr. De La Crme - to pay for the divorce lawyer.
LadyMomus
"X-O-2" = X-O-Deuce = Exodus. Well, almost.
Yongary
Chapter 8: Get On With It!
But the banana green goes so enchantingly with the golden SMIZE, dahling~!
68.2.198.139
I hate it most when a terrible story shows tiny signs of being good, like with that small tidbit of a relationship between Myrracle and Tookie. I just reminds me that even a blindingly stupid story like this could be passable if the author gave a damn.
DrDahm
Chapter 9: 8 Chapters of Build Up for This?
"Stupid Girls"

Very nice. That sums the whole thing up.
Cliche
Oh, P!nk, you make everything more bearable.

Cheesy Event is Cheesy. Like mac-n-cheese.
Sharysa
I hope the awesome famous cool models pay for the damage they did to the De La Cremes' car.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Sadly, Usagi and Mina would probably be completely into it. Ami and Rei, not so much. Makota is a toss up.
TheEmeraldDragon
Ah, "Stupid Girls"...

It fit the entire chapter perfectly. It was almost scary.
FlashGaze
The minute I read "Gyaku Zuki" I was actually impressed, it's a real technique in Karate. I kind of wonder where someone in this universe would learn that. Do the other martial arts still exist there too? How can Muay Thai and American Kickboxing exist in a world where there is neither a Thailand nor an America?
DrDahm
Thai could be done, as it does mean "Noodle"...
celen
Chapter 10: Padding on Aisle 197
Dylan, I'm not sure whether to applaud or throttle you.
FreezairForALimitedTime
^ We can compromise. You throttle. I'll applaud. :P
LadyMomus (edited by: LadyMomus)
"I shudder to think what kind of ads I'm going to be getting now."

You can block tracking cookies by adjusting your cookie settings depending on your browser. For Opera it's "Accept cookies only from the site I visit." under Advanced Preferences.

Oh god oh man, the "going to Modelland" section nearly made me want to puke with all its "Pity Tookie, goddammit!"
Cliche (edited by: Cliche)
I LIKE WALLY BEST. Sailor Moon is eh though.

This whole thing is just so rampantly unsound.
Leradny
The Flash thing made me LOL. Oh, and above commentator? I like Wally best too :)
75.31.104.78
Man, I barely had any idea of this chapter's plot WITH the sporking. I can't imagine how confusing it must be for you.
Sharysa
I would have guessed that it was Barry Allen since the Silver Age was rife with weird shit like this. Really the whole book seems to be one giant bad fanfic that somehow got published.
DrDahm
Mini-Rant #1
"The men have different ambitions: being a politician, a designer, a dancer . . . But the girls and women are all the same. They may get other jobs, but only because their dreams of going to Modelland were crushed."

Now I'm imagining a Spear Counterpart called Sportsland or something. And yet, such a book seems far less likely to be made than Modelland.
Cliche (edited by: Cliche)
[[wmg]] There must be an evil megacorporation secretly controlling the world through the facade of the 7seven! They don't even have superpowers, the effects are entirely faked or psychosomatic, and serve only as pretty faces to a vile monster. Through generations of control, the corporation has brainwashed the population into this horrendous state in an Orwellian plot to gain pure, unlimited power.
Jergling
"In this novel, every girl wants to become a model. All girls and women are all obsessed with fashion and their appearance."

This is exactly my problem. It's one thing to be informed about fashion, as that usually extends into things like basic hygiene. For example:

Hell, it's not even bad if you like fashion more than the most. People should have careers and hobbies, and other people don't want the hassle of making their own clothes. But here, in a world that doesn't make sense on any level of economics, geography, or basic logic, fashion does not exist to display any sort of information like "this person is not a slob" or "that person is clearly the CEO of a major company", because the models don't have lives of their own to support their fashion senses.

It's hideous.
Leradny
Rarity would be ashamed.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Hold on, I was reading Amazon reviews for this book, hoping for some more hilarious commentary, and one positive review struck me as surprisingly logical.

What if Banks isn't glorifying models at all? What if the point is to satirize the absurdity of her industry? Maybe she's realized what a horrible world it would be if everything was about modelling, and she wants us to hate the people in this book. She kind of kills it by making her protagonist an irrational jerk, but her intentions could actually be good. Maybe Tookie becomes a 7Seven, realizes that modelling is destroying the world, and works to disband Modelland and help the poor. We just don't know yet.
Jergling
I love mini-rants. And now I'm feeling all guilty because I'm the first one to comment since November.
FlashGaze
To be fair some of the Super-duper models do things besides make people buy stuff. Sinndees, for instance, moonlights as a rapist.
DrDahm
Chapter 11: World Building, You're Doing It Wrong
"A , ,"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H47ow4_Cmk0
Cliche
All I can figure about the Labrian language is that it probably sounds like a vuvuzela coming from a human mouth.
GIG
Trying Labrian text in this text-to-speech site yielded some... interesting results. Given this new girl's Ahnold accent, I'm thinking German is the most accurate language to use.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Because she lives in a giant mall, so she'd naturally relate everything to malls.

I think this bit might make sense. Since the mall is her hometown, naming the aisle would be like saying. "You could get candles just like this in a little shop on Nevada Avenue."
Durazno
Labrian reminds me of Oou, the Insane Language. :p
Zersk
So they've had Gladiators in this universes' history? That suggests that at one point in time fashion wasn't the end all be all of life. Unless those gladiators were competing in some kind of life or death fashion show which, given what we've seen, is entirely possible.
DrDahm
According to Google Translate, it's Romanian. At least, bits of it are.
mitzirocker
Chapter 12: Are We There Yet?
Could have been worse. She could have gone the anime dork route and made Albino=Rei Ayamani in every way, shape, and form.
GIG
I'm willing to accept a city of nothing but albinos as something sufficiently fantastic. It certainly seems less dumb to me than the bizarro quad-weather.

That said, the continuing linguistic fail is just... -.-
FreezairForALimitedTime
Quick note: It should be Sans COULEUR, not "Sans Color." Even if you don't know French, it should only take 5 seconds to check Google translate.
Sharysa
To be fair, the word sans is used in English (although rarely). The name doesn't really make sense given what we're told about their language. It's pretty clear that Tyra Banks used the As Long As It Sounds Foreign method.
LadyMomus
A city of super-smart Albinos could have been an interesting concept. She could have gone into how their society overcomes issues like bad eyesight. She could have had their weapons and choice of architecture designed to compensate for those difficulties. Like say, having the guards be expert swordsmen and having the city layout designed to maximize echoes and thus alert the populace to the coming of the scout. Once again it's painful to read because I see a gem of an idea buried in a mountain of crap.
DrDahm
Chapter 13: At the Gates of the Plot
They were in a large clearing atop green grass. Tookie ran her hands over the green and in the dim light realized it was not grass but fine fabric.

"This grass feels funny. It feels like... pants."

Also, I keep reading Guru Applaussez's name as "Guru Applesauce."
FreezairForALimitedTime
I don't know what the fuck anymore.

Also, I don't think Lizzie is Ci~L, becuase Zyzzl doesn't seem crazy, just monumentally stupid.
GIG
^ Yeah, I know Ci~L probably isn't Lizzie, but it's still fun to speculate. Speculating is one of the few things I can do, since the plot isn't going anywhere and I'm not reading ahead.

And "monumentally stupid" describes quite a few characters so far.
LadyMomus
"Guru Applesauce" You too, huh?
DrDahm
"I am beyond excit you have arrived early. Your lack of tardiness deserves a round of applause, oui?"

Um.

In French (at least the way I was taught, correct me if I'm wrong) "excit" is usually employed to mean "aroused," not "excited."

Yeah.
sparrowspera2
The Story So Far: A CliffNotes Version of Chapters 1 - 13
Using about a fourth of a book for setup isn't really all that uncommon in the grand scheme of things, but it's also not about how long you spend setting things up, but how long the setup feels. And dayum did that feel long. In comparison, Brave Story, which is an 800+ page book, spends almost 200 pages on setup and backstory, and yet it barely feels like any time at all in the scheme of things.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Thus confirming my IMMENSE gladness to be the one reading the liveblog as opposed to making it.
Sharysa
Chapter 14: Obsessive Fangirl Tour Guides and You
"Bestoterone?" Really, book? Really?

Also, the M building makes me think of impractical and unlikely architecture in general, which makes me think: "Doofenshmirtz Evil In-Cor-Por-A-Teeed~!"
FreezairForALimitedTime
I've read various parts of this book, including the ending. Your gonna be suprised at what I discovered in the last few chapters. anyway, I'm not gonna spoil it for you. This book is so bad I wacked my head on the back cover. as much as I read, which is sparce, I have no idea What Bestosterone is for. Have you guys ever wondered why we are facinated with the fantasy staples and archetypes?
gekkolexicon
...

...

I am giving up hope on this book now that I've read "Bestosterone."

From now on, all I have to do is laugh and snark.
Sharysa
Your blog is pure joy to read.

That being said, couture is short for haute couture (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haute_couture), which in English usually translates to 'high fashion'. So what the sentient hand of indeterminate gender is actually saying is that changing your hair colour is 'not high fashion', which is not an abuse of the term couture, which is now used as a synecdoche for something that is the height of fashion.

Every other criticism is spot on, though. Please post again soon :-)
128.103.135.254
"Your blog is pure joy to read. " Thanks. :)

And thanks for the correction. (I know very little about fashion, so my comment about couture was based on a couple minutes on Google.)
LadyMomus
"Equation?" Piper looked excited. "If it deals with mathematics, specifically algorithmic statistics, I'll be an immense help to you all!"

The thought of this book trying to work out a mathematical problem unnerves me. Oh, wait.
Cliche
The idea of that wet pouch being a part of Ci-l's body has rocketed this story into Silent Hill level terror for me. With that noted I must admit that I got a chuckle out of "Bestosterone", mostly because I wonder if there is a lesser holiday in this world where boys undress on international television before riding on a Scouts "Magic Staff" to the school.
DrDahm
Oh, it gets worse. In the original song, "shake, rattle and roll" was a euphemism for sex.

...No comment.
YonTroper
Chapter 15, Part 1: Chained By Fashion
Boy, I am sure excited for this Musical Number taking place in print. ಠ_ಠ

Also,

In this chapter... Tookie is a git,

We already knew this.
GIG (edited by: GIG)
Frankly, I'm more disturbed by English not having a funny name than Spanish having one. Be consistent in your worldbuilding! *shakes fist*
FreezairForALimitedTime
ok, Ci~L has done nothing to deserve sympathy as of now. And comes across as a bigger sue than Tookie. Also the change in the names of the languages are just stupid on so many levels; if this book had a divergent history from ours I would undestand, but THIS IS NOT AN EARTH! It's either you stick to the official names for the languages or you don't! Another thing, the names of your countries sound lame; they sound like captain ersatz of actual locations, which I don't think works with this story.

this world looks incredibly dystopic, dependant and idiot. Kinda makes me glad I'm not living in a world like this. As much as our world looks like a crapsack world, it's not horrible nor shitty, just chaotic and diverse. And I agree with the comment above me, the worldbuilding here sucks.

now that i think of it, it probably be fun if someone were to make a list of all the dystopic elements in this book. I don't know how that will add to the liveblog, but I'm curious.

P.S. I'm sorry if I sounded rude, or offended anybody or said something I shouldn't have.
gekkolexicon
Quick note: An unusual amount of actors DO come into acting after a career-ending injury from dancing/modeling/sports, but that's entirely different from actually failing. When most actors say "I used to be a model/dancer/athlete," they tend to mean "I used to be that until I broke something and was out of action long enough to need another career," not "I used to be that, but I sucked at it."

The implication being that acting is for people with no other option, which is... surprisingly medieval in mindset.

Sensitivity, Tyra—you're doing it wrong.
Sharysa
Sharysa, that makes sense. this attitude towards acting is incredibly rude. It's like the book or Tyra thinks that models are superior to actors. Which is utterly stupid to me. But here's another spoiler thingy: a teacher is going to show this racism.

actors are good people, not failures, and now that i think of it acting is a really good skill to have, personally. But I don't know what I'd use modeling skills outside of modeling.

what kind of skill do you need if you want to be a model?
gekkolexicon
Oh god I clicked on the link to the song and WHY.

This sporking is pretty funny. I kind of wonder if the book was edited at all. Shame if it wasn't, because it sounds like the idea might actually have potential, if only the world-building and characterization weren't so funky.
99.111.128.246
^ Forgot to add, that I agree with everyone else; I don't understand the actress-hate, either.
99.111.128.246
To be fair, the anti-actress viewpoint is coming from the BellaDonna, who is so obviously evil it isn't funny. I'm pretty sure we're supposed to disagree with her.
LadyMomus
let's see, so far She has a huge statue of herself, turn failed bellas into freaky mannequins who may or may not leave, and she tortures a famous and important person just for diviating from the norm. So yeah, The Bella Donna is subtle as an anvil drop on a cartton character.

And i wish this anti-actrees was just coming from her, I'll spoil: from what I've read, at least one member of the faculty shows this disdain for actresses. I still don't understand why the faculty would have hate for that group. If it because actresses are rivaling them? are they a potential threat to them/the system? are they jealous of acting skills? Because I think good acting skills is incredibly useful.
gekkolexicon
think I mispelled Bella Donna and created a link. sorry. T.T

But I just remembered something, has anyone ever though about how useless some of the seven powers are?
gekkolexicon
^^ Wait, there's an actual VILLAIN as opposed to nearly everyone just being Jerkasses? Because I seriously couldn't tell.
Sharysa
Gekkolexicon, only the the Thirtynever one is really useless. Shapeshifting, teleportation, future sight/enhanced senses, cloning, and two forms of mind control are actually pretty solid super powers. It's just that their names are so stupid that it becomes easy to forget what they actually do.
DrDahm
Limited mind control (Seduksheeon's Love Is In The Air effect being by far the more useful) and extremely limited and situational future sight.
clockworkspider
The future sight would be cripplingly useless in the real world but in a world that revolves around fashion, like this one, it's the shit. Kind of like how Aquaman sort of sucks in the DC universe but would be the world emperor of an ocean based series like One Piece.
DrDahm
Chapter 15, Part 2: Modelland: The Musical
I was wonderinging when you were coming out with another entry. FINALLY! And wow you must've suffered badly. And I agree, just by listening to the video on youtube, this abomination is aweful. I think we have something that now defeat Rebecca Black, Anime by Soulja Boy and My Jeans by Jenna Rose. Anyway, keep up the good work! we got alot more shit to go through.
gekkolexicon
I'm pretty sure that there is a law in place somewhere that if you start to sing that song, anyone nearby is allowed to punch you in the throat as much as needed to make it stop.

If not there needs to be.
GIG
The fact that you tried says volumes about your fortitude. Mainly, it's better than mine.
FreezairForALimitedTime
-gives Lady Momus a hug-
gekkolexicon
Chapter 16: Slash-ficcers, Eat Your Hearts Out
....... Those are actualy good points. why would you need males, who may or may not have been models, teach modeling in a school that suppose to prep female up-coming models. And why have people who have alternate standards of beauty? unlesss they have P.H.D. I would understand the retired intoxibellas doing the teaching, since they've been throgh all of that before.

P.S. There will be female gurus. I know, I checked.
gekkolexicon
Wait, she sees her reflection and thinks she almost looks good...then sees it again and looks like a monster?
TheEmeraldDragon
^ The whole "monster Tookie" thing is explained and resolved fairly quickly in the next chapter. To be honest, I think the chapter only ended at this point to create tension.
LadyMomus
Given that we had a Guru who was a giant hand, a Guru who was a giant nose would seem par for the course, really.
FreezairForALimitedTime
HOW DID SHE SMELL HER REFLECTION???
Jergling
lol good point. and this book is moving to slow, not that there's a problem with a slow setup or whatnot. But here, we see flowery information that serves no real purpose that lousy worldbuilding. each plot segment could be easily condensed to roughly a chapter or so.
gekkolexicon
''"I'm She Likee!" the first girl announced. Blue hair.

"I'm Her Likee!" Green hair.

"I'm I Likee!" Pink hair.

"I'm Me Likee!" Purple.''

MY EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYES.

Someone get me some Brain Bleach to erase the stupidity!
Sharysa
""I'm She Likee!" the first girl announced. Blue hair.

"I'm Her Likee!" Green hair.

"I'm I Likee!" Pink hair.

"I'm Me Likee!" Purple."

Worst. Sentai. Team. Ever.
clockworkspider
By your power combined, I am WeLikee!
Zersk
The Likee quadruplets come across as incredibly racist and I'm not even sure what race they're supposed to be.
DrDahm
Well, they're supposed to be from "MiniPaul", so... Minneapolis, maybe? Is this a stereotype of people from Minneapolis I don't know about?
YonTroper
For some reason, while the name of Not!Italy clearly refers to coffee, it makes me think of Capuchin friars. Oh, and "glowing from within"? Sounds like an Elantrian. If only...
SCAL37
So... Everytime I read "Mannecant" my brain somehow interprets it as "Mannec*nt", which I mean, given the context...
166.87.135.141
Chapter 17: An Inept Teacher Deliver Inept Aesops
And finally, as she passed through the Home door, Tookie bid a silent goodbye to Modelland.

This is the end of the book. I refuse to believe otherwise.
GIG
Because a school that tortures its students is awesome!
FreezairForALimitedTime
I'm suprised that the school hasn't been torn down yet because of all of this.
gekkolexicon
then again, the world is bordering dystopic.
gekkolexicon
Angelka's cut now goes from the top of her head to her neck, exposing her vocal chords.

exposing her vocal chords.

EXPOSING HER VOCAL CHORDS

HOLY SHIT, I know what vocal cords actually LOOK LIKE. Because I dropped in on my friend's choir class, and the prof showed the choir videos of them for the final exam.

THAT SHIT IS NASTY.
Sharysa
For some reason I picture Gunnero as Vega from Street Fighter. He hates ugly things, he insults the girls constantly, he's a wannabee serial killer and he's really effeminate. I'm calling it, Gunnero is Vega and this is all a weird retelling of the Street Fighter series, right down to the tournament at the end to determine members of the 7Seven.
DrDahm
Chapter 18: Head Towards the Lights
I've discovered how to make this book more bearable! Well, slightly. Every time the phrase "Ci-L" appears on the page, think of Cee-Lo Green instead! You can picture insane models singing modern Motown! It all evens out.
75.164.39.41
lol First off: The characters are aweful on so many levels!the only charaters that are worth any interest are Zarpessa (who's homeless, hard working and slightly jerkish), Lizzy (who's homeless, crazy and may be tortured), and Myracle (who shows signs of insanity, sufers from parental favoritism and may sufer from abuse). Second: The villains are way too obvious! not say it's a bad thing, but it has to be done right. Third: this world looks like a crapsack would if it was ran by fashion obsessed nincompoops. finally: Lady Momus, I prefer you ending than the book.
gekkolexicon
lol That funny. Now that I think of it, since I have knowledge of the french language, Ci~L reminds me of the french word for sky: ciel. T.T To bad I skipped to ended and found out what it actually means, stupidest name ever!
gekkolexicon
Oh dammit, you asshole. Making us think the book actually became good all of a sudden.
Cliche
At first, I thought the first few paragraphs were too good to be true.

I was right.

CURSE YOU.
Sharysa
I've read this book.

You. Are. Brave. I applaud you.
fourteenwings
Seriously, this is getting kind of painful to look at. I really admire you sticking with this livejournal, it can't be good for your sanity.
DrDahm
Chapter 19: Periods, Bony Sharks, and Spanish Fail
I am now tempted to look up what Spanish euphamisms for menstruation are. THE THINGS THIS BOOK DOES TO ME.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Oddly enough, another teen lit series (The Clique) does have a school called PMS (Hehe... Presbytarian Middle School, but it's usually referred to as PMS.) in it.
fourteenwings
Thanks for doing this. I don't think I could do this and notice all the mistakes and all that. And one thing that bugs me: Isn't it easier for begginners to draw from experience or something like that than to instantly fake it? If it is easier, and what they say about about actresses is true, than wouldn't actresses have an advantage?
gekkolexicon
I just realised something that relates to those questions Lady Momus asked. I don't know if it was mentioned or anyone else though of it. But here I go:

If the bellas, intoxibellas and the belladonna are suppose to be the ones with the magic powers, then why is Tookie an omniglot? I know this question is a long shot and there isn't enough detail in the lousy worldbuilding. But what we've seen, the bellas are the only ones who offically have powers. And we don't know if her omnilingualism is learnt, magical or a natural talent.
gekkolexicon
"Actresses are incapable of 'opposite performing.' They must think about sad times in their lives to project sadness in the silver screen."

FNDKLSAVNKLDFAIGBOFHAL;JSKLVAJL;

PURE METHOD ACTING HASN'T BEEN TAUGHT FOR YEARS BECAUSE IT HAS A REALLY BAD TENDENCY TO FUCKING TRAUMATIZE YOU!!!!!!!

GET YOUR FUCKING FACTS STRAIGHT, TYRA!

KVLKSDJGIRAIBFHBADFUBHJKLDKAAAAAAAA
Sharysa
Calm down, Sharysa. Pure method acting is is the opposite performing thing, right? Because the opposite perfoming thing looks stupid and hard. And Probably can screw up your behaviour.

If your refering to the opposite acting as pure method acting, I'm backing you up.
gekkolexicon
Every time someone says "Pow-pow-powers": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgXJbJeRxHo
Jergling
Actually, method acting is when you literally replicate the circumstances of the performance as much as possible (most famously by Dyeing For Your Art and doing tons of research).

"Opposite performing," ie "acting happy when you're sad" is what normal acting does.
Sharysa
Wait, her love interest is an extremely muscular man named Bravo? Could it be? Has Johnny Bravo returned?! Come Johnny! Come and rescue us from boredom with your hilarious failings!
DrDahm
Honestly, the first thing I thought of when I saw the "Pow-pow-powers" bit was Usher's song OMG.
clockworkspider
Chapter 20: Something Almost Interesting Happens
My big problem is that we don't know anything about the characters other than their stereotypes. Tookie the Mary Sue omniglot, Shiraz the short foreigner, Dylan the sassy plus-size, Piper the supergenius, Chaste the slut, etc. The only interesting character was Zarpessa, and look what Tyra did with her.
71.202.90.103
Wow. :o You're amazing, Lady. o-o I dunno if I could make a liveblog of this book. >.>
Zersk
I think this would ruin the reputation of anybody working on it if it were to turn into a movie.

Also, I kinda agree that the characters are flat and one note. Tookie is a jerk sue and Ci~L is a psycho mentor sue, that's my impression of them. zarpessa was a good character that was horribly screwed horribly. Miracle, while flat, has something interesting going on. And they screw a potential plotline with Lizzie.
gekkolexicon
I was just joking about Gunnero being Vega before but those bits with the ego and security clinched it, he's Vega and he's pissed that this world refuses to recognize his beauty. That said Zarpessa is once again my favorite character. She may be an evil bitch but she has both talent in modeling and cunning. I hope she wins.
DrDahm
Also I think the wacks are so silly because Ci~L's whacking off.
Zersk
Chapter 21: Eww . . .
Good god, this book just gets worse and worse.

I admire your perseverance, ugh.
174.118.52.202
This is beyond stupid. we need a new word for how hideous this is. or I can look up a word in a thesaurus. here is a flowery word that suits the stupidity of this failure: asinine: it means "Failing to exercise intelligence or judgment; ridiculously below average rationality."

This book is more asinine that most hideous fanfics. ^^
gekkolexicon
Emphasis on "ass."
FreezairForALimitedTime
lol
gekkolexicon
[[quoteblock]]"Those lolli-headed leading ladies restrict as well. Worse than models, in my roo opinion."[[/quote]]

And now for another session of GET YOUR FUCKING FACTS STRAIGHT Theater!

ACTORS EAT WAY HEALTHIER THAN MOST PEOPLE. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO EAT HEALTHY BECAUSE NOT DOING SO WOULD MAKE US SICK, WHICH WOULD MEAN WE WOULD NEED TIME OFF FROM WORK, AND WE CANNOT AFFORD TO GET SICK.

Do you know why, Tyra? Because WE CAN BE DROPPED FROM A PROJECT AT ANY FUCKING DAY AT ANY GODDAMN TIME, OFTEN ON THE WHIM OF ONE PERSON. And we'd prefer if we didn't lose our job because of a badly timed cold.

GET YOUR FUCKING FACTS STRAIGHT, TYRA.
Sharysa
I don't know why everyone in the story hates Chaste so much. Massive sex drive aside she actually seems pretty nice. I have to admit I find her excessive bluntness to be the funniest thing in this book so far but that's probably because I'm secretly fourteen.
DrDahm
I'm sort of team Chaste here. Girl knows what she likes and how to get it. It's nice to see a "slut" character (imply to) have sex because she ENJOYS it, not because she's self-conscious, or abused, or whatever. Of course, Tyra doesn't understand human sexuality (see the thumb sucking incident), so she's evil.
70.52.181.22
Chapter 22: Anyone Else Reminded of Minority Report?
Ugh. These flashbacks were as far from story-developing as you can get. At least Tyra didn't make us explore Bou-Big-Tique anymore than we needed to.
71.202.90.103
I can understand slow setup in a story. But that's mostly because of the worldbuilding and character development. and at least in those kinds of stories gives us some kind of a plot within and throughout the first few chapters.

This story has a pacing that's practically none existent. There's barely any notion of a plot. there is to much padding.
gekkolexicon
Tookie doesn't really do anything. She just lets things happen to her.

The book would be greatly improved if there was a legitimate reason why she let herself get flown to Modelland (like, maybe she's going to try to become a 7Seven and change the way the world works, use her powers for good and not evil), or maybe if she found a way to sneak Lizzie in with her. Then, she could keep her duckling-to-swan plot and she wouldn't have to worry about betraying Lizzie. The fact that Lizzie's skin cleared up certainly made me think something like that was going on.

Maybe someone could make a fix fanfic of this story (like Luminosity and Twilight). Or maybe that would be a copyright infringement (even though it wouldn't be sold).

But, then again, you'd have to change so much about it, it might end up being a totally different work.
BlackElephant
Further attempts to deduce Geena's secret:

She's feeling very coy? She likes bok choy? She overuses the word "Doy?" She's not Jewish? She's a pirate who says "Ahoy?" The book she's in brings her joy? She's secretly keeping a koi? Her silverware is actually a steel alloy? She's actually fond of poi? Her real name is Roy? She's not fond of soy? The thing she kept from home was her favorite toy... wink wink?
FreezairForALimitedTime
Maybe Geena's secret is: she's seeing a boy, possibly one of the Bestosterone guys.
99.111.128.246
Gyaaah! Reading this book is like watching a Las Vegas review after dropping really bad acid. Why are these girls constantly covered in slop? What's up with this nasty subtext of abuse and degradation? The sheer manic idiocy of all this is giving me a very dark picture of the author.

Please gods, let this never be made into a movie! The sheer ugliness and obnoxiousness of it all would be a genuine Brown Note.
Gante
She participated in the battle of Troy?

...Holy carp.
Zersk
Chapter 23: Holy Crap, This Is Actually Interesting!
YAY! MORE MYRRACLE! ...Boo. More Tookie.
FreezairForALimitedTime
I only found out that this even exists this morning. I'm still having a hard time believing it, but your blog is very amusing.

So the French expy is "very pretty"? That tracks, I suppose...
psycher7
^by "this" I meant Tyra Banks's YA fantasy novel. That sentence should not exist.
psycher7
In addition to Myrracle the Lizard Man and Macy the Raider actually come across as kind of cool. All in all a nice departure from the norm.
DrDahm
lol I know.

And finally at least something interesting, no matter how bad or awkward the writing is, has happened! why couldn't the book be about this. seriously, Tookie is a dull character with a stupid plot.
gekkolexicon
Is it too much to hope that Lizard Man turns out to subvert the bad vibes he's giving? It would be a... fairly basic twist, so there's hope, isn't there?
Durazno
^I rather doubt that, even though it would support the alleged Aesop of the book about everyone having a chance to be beautiful, ugly duckling, etc. I think that would be giving Ms Banks far too much credit. But maybe we'll be happily surprised.
psycher7
Chapter 24: Wake Me When It's Over
So, Ci-L is just... in the class now? No, like, backstory or anything? No Tookie reacting to finding out, yeah, she's being tortured and mistreated? She's just... there now? ...Yeah.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Ewww, I just had an awful thought. That bizarre thumb-sucking scene might be a sort of PG-rated blow job.

Gante
The scene with Bravo is extra nasty for me because I can't stop picturing him as Johnny Bravo. I want to sue Tyra Banks for murdering my childhood. I really wish the story would go back to Myrracle and the cool people making their way through the divide.
DrDahm
I still don't get that thumb thing. What could he have possibly expected to do by sticking his thumb into her mouth? If she had wood chips in there, she could have spit them out.
Jergling
"You will learn how to use words to convince, to charm, to soothe, and to strike and DESTROY the arguments of anyone standing in your way! And I don't mean the way thespian dames do, ladies, just reciting lines from cue cards and crying on command. I mean doing so with Modelland CONVICTION!"

What.

Actors do not use fucking CUE CARDS. THEY MEMORIZE THE ENTIRE FUCKING SCRIPT. If there is still a book in your hand after one week, guess what? YOU ARE FIRED AND REPLACED.

FDKLSAJVKLFDJASBHIJIEORAHNKLD;AKLBVCSL;DJFAKGIADFLNKB
Sharysa
I just realised something. Part of the reason why Tyra made this world heavily dependent on fashion and models and adding the overtone of actress rascism is that she is trying to make job look awesome.

This obviouslyis going terribly.

Also these classes suck. So far, They have nothing interesting in them. At least the classes in Hogwarts have some sort of importance due to the fact that both aspects of of society are seperated and magic has been around long enough to know these things. Here, in this pathetic waste of a book, the classes have practical job/life skills.
gekkolexicon
What makes it even worse is that one of my friends is a model/aspiring actor, and the parts of his work that he tells people on Facebook is REALLY interesting. Modelling is very much like acting, since you audition in and have to wait a few weeks praying desperately to get the job, but even more of your first impression is staked on a good photo/headshot and instead of going to rehearsals, you go to photoshoots.

He also pokes fun at the dumb-model stereotype and the gay-male-model stereotype, and his most recent photo-shoot ended up giving him food poisoning. Also, he took up modelling due to long-term body issues. Literally every other Facebook status has him complaining about his diet/appearance/how he wishes he had my inability to gain weight, and I'm always a little worried that he means it.

I see none of this in Modelland.
Sharysa
Chapter 25: This Book Is Just One Catastrophe After Another
I am so confused. Just what the hell is going on in this chapter :/
142.151.161.58
I think I know what's going on in this chapter. What's going on is a lousy atempt at advancing what ever plot this could possibly have. either that or shitty world building.
gekkolexicon
AAHH! How dare you sully Santana by associating him with this dreck! Shame on you, Momus. Shame.

...Of course, I was going to compare this scene to the Tarrie-Cats from Abarat, and that book doesn't deserve it any more than Santana does. So I guess I can't really talk.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Wait a second...

How can there be SIAMESE cats when Thailand doesn't even exist in this world? Wouldn't they need to be called something else?

Come to think of it, how do they have English when England probably doesn't exist in this world either?
99.111.128.246
As a cat lover, I am annoyed.

And how much do you want to bet Tyra doesn't know that "bitch" means female dog?
Gante
That sure was... something. I like to try and look on the bright side of things. At least stuff sort of happened in this chapter, I think? Gante, I believe we've established that Tyra doesn't know anything.
DrDahm
"You Intoxibellas have been in this incarcerated purgatory for an exponential amount of time..."

That is one of the worst phrases I've ever seen. "Incarcerated purgatory"; so, the jail dimension is itself in jail? And that's not even getting into the torture the word "exponential" was put through...

If you want to throw in clunky exposition, ideally peppered with big words to make yourself look smart, at LEAST have some understanding of what those words mean. "You Intoxibellas have been incarcerated in this purgatory for terms exponential to your crimes." Sounds like shit, has some redundancies, and exponential still doesn't mesh, but at least it's English.
psycher7
"Somehow Tyra got the idea that everyone from Iceland acts like a Chihuahua on speed. Where she got that idea is probably better left unexplored."

Bjork?
YonTroper
Chapter 26: Nothing Says Girl Bonding Like Vomit
Having just started to read a few days ago, I think it's a good sign for your writing that I read through so quickly. On the other hand, I don't have to suffer through the book itself like you. Regardless, I feel that the 200+ comments are entirely warranted.

The main thing I'm wondering about this chapter itself is how any of it fits in a children's book, as the bestsellers list apparently calls it.
MFM
Once again, I ask: why are these girls always covered in vomit, garbage, spilled food, piss, or other unsavory things? Is Tyra pandering to kids' love of gross-outs, or does she just like degrading her characters?

And obviously she thinks continuity is something you see a specialist for. Which is more fuel for my suspicion that this book was written on a massive cocaine binge.
Gante
I asked my ANTM-crazy sister, and she said that the actual scenes are really abstract and crazy and not all that representative of the book. Which, by the way, I read. Alone. Without moral support... I had nightmares for days.
71.202.90.103
I just wanted to point out that the Dylan participated in that group hug while still covered in vomit.

This is not a children's book.
Jergling
Here's to 200 more! ...Wait, is that a good thing in this case?

I highly suspect I will get dragged into watching the Modelland episode by one of my friends, since he must experience everything to do with this trainwreck solely to bask in its trainwreckiness.

FreezairForALimitedTime
^^ "This is not a children's book."

No, it's really not. But the New York Times doesn't have a separate category for teen / young adult books, so they all get shoved into the children's category. (And the children's book category was created partially because they were tired of the Harry Potter books hogging the bestseller list.)

^"Here's to 200 more! ...Wait, is that a good thing in this case?"

Yes, it is a good thing. After all, misery loves company. :P

It's also nice to know that people are reading and enjoying my liveblog.
LadyMomus
lol I think after some point I've been putting a comment or two on every page. lol here's a good question about this chapter: why have all the character devlopment/ trauma/depth pumped into a single, poorly written chapter instead show signs of it earlier?

I know it's probably the fact that Tyra's a bad writer, but come on! the mojority of these characters are flat stereotypes. Including our main cast! This developement would've been great earlier!
gekkolexicon
In my perfect world, the spectacular fall of this book from best-sellerdom would herald a change in the way media approach their younger audiences. One of the reasons I really like Nostalgia Critic (aside from Ruleof Funny) is that he and I have the same berserk button. This attitude that effort is pointless, the audience is nothing more than a marketing demographic, and the younger they are, the less you should respect them...absolutely INFURIATES me. Especially when you see the great things that can be accomplished when you ignore that attitude and focus on quality, like Avatar or Harry Potter. Which, oh by the way, also tended to sell well...
psycher7
TBH The ANTM motion editorial thing was way better than the actual book itself. (Except for Tyra biting that other guy's thumb that was just... WOMAN YOU ARE THIRTY. SEVEN. YOU ARE NOT TOOKIE. STOP THAT. GAH.)
166.87.135.141

spaceinvader42359
Chapter 27: Zzzzzz . . .
So actresses are no-talent whores, and doctors base their treatment plans on guesswork and deciphering people's names? Anyone else get the feeling that Tyra is just attacking all the careers she wanted to have as a kid but didn't get?
psycher7
I hate to bring up a point in this book's favor, but black-eyed peas are, in fact, a thing which are actually peas and not just a band. To Wikipedia!

...But the Frosty thing still stands.
FreezairForALimitedTime
This is the most uniquely repellant fantasy world I've ever encountered. I'd rather explore Mordor or R'lyeh than Modelland. And to think that this abusive, stridantly ugly place is the Mount Olympus that everybody in Tookie's world aspires to!
Gante
You know what? I want someone to write a fanfiction that re-tells this whole book, only they make it good. Like really, really, "oh god I can't put this down" good. That would be the funniest and most amazing thing.
142.151.161.58
^ So the Modelland version of Luminosity? I would read it.
LadyMomus
Y'know, whenever I see Tookie's name, I keep thinking "toucan," or this monkey chatter ("awk awk ook ook tookie tookie") that I read somewhere a long time ago.

The girls aren't allowed to leave the school on pain of some vaguely hinted but almost certainly horrible death? Um, isn't that considered wrongful imprisonment? (Cue the "What girl in her right mind would willingly WANT to leave?" B.S.)

Ugh, the more I read this Liveblog, the more I want to reach through the fourth wall and strangle these characters. Major, major kudos to you for subjecting yourself to this travesty of literature and staying sane enough to tell the tale.
RosesSpindle
Mordor and R'lyeh. MORDOR AND R'LYEH. You know your location is a horrible when locations like Mordor get compared as being better.

And yeah the judging people by their name's is stupid. I think names have psychological impact, but this is a strecth.

Also, Tyra writing these jobs the way they are because she wanted them as a kid but didn't get. that's plausible. It's also plausible that's she's try to make her job look awesome in comparison.

but seriously, I'm an art student and the models I've had to work with in class just have to pose, sometimes nude. nothing special but the capacity to pose for several minutes.
gekkolexicon
I think you might be onto something with Lizard Man's (I refuse to use the stupid name that Tyra gave their species)motivation. I think he is going because of the people Modelland took in but not to join them, he's going there to free them. I don't think Modelland is keeping those people safe, I think it's holding them hostage to make use of their talents.

That nurse says that she and everyone else born with skates become nurses, she does not say that they have any other options. They are also forced to live under Modelland and we only see them when they are performing some kind of task. Since the gurus have been stated to be human and featured a humanoid alligator among their ranks I think it's entirely possible that the Lizard Folk are also human.

I believe that the Lizard Folk are alternate humans that managed to escape the clutches of the Belladonna. The man travelling with Myhrracle is their champion on a dangerous quest to free their brothers and sisters from beneath the slave mountain. I wish him success.
DrDahm
That is a completely possible reason. And would be way more interesting than this book! I'm not surprised that Tyra would waste so many potentially good plots.

To bad there's no horrible literary character death match. because that would be awesome. Imagine' Tookie de la Creme versus Ebony from {My Immortal}.

now to the main reason I came here: the "you can tell your destiny by telling your name" thing. lets see what would happen if we put my name through this philosophy. my first name is alexander. Now it has the sylables "all" and "ender" and my last name can translate between either "career/job". so going by the doctor's logic, I will turn into an {omnicidal maniac} as my main career option.

gekkolexicon
I don't know who Ebony is but Enoby would kick Tookie's ass.
DrDahm
Chapter 28: Dun, dun, DUN!
I've been wondering about this for a while, and now that he's reappeared in the story, I feel like bringing it up—anyone else wonder if Guru Gunnero is meant to be a potshot at Tim Gunn? ...Just thinkin'.
FreezairForALimitedTime

76.98.116.34
If Persimmon is facing the door shouldn't she be able to see Tookie?
DrDahm
^ Tookie is in the hallway, and Ci~L and the BellaDonna are in the room behind the door.

If Persimmon turned around, she would notice Tookie. Lucky for Tookie, Persimmon isn't very observant.
LadyMomus
I bet Tookie turns out to have the power of "Telaportaling." I would not be surprised. I really wouldn't be surprised if she ended up being a 7Seven, or something like that, in the second or third book (that is, if they actually get released).
BlackElephant
You know, that's a good point. Will the publisher actually decide to release further books in this series, given how badly this one seems to be doing and how ill-recieved it's been? Quite possibly Tyra's already bought herself a contract, or the pubs decided to give her one that they're now wishing they could back out of. But we shall see.
FreezairForALimitedTime
I think I feel sad for the publishers who had to publish this. Hell, I'd be ashamed of myself if I were the president and I allowed this to get published within my own company.
gekkolexicon
Celebrity vanity projects are almost always a bad idea, but since they've got the money they usually get what they want. Now, getting a SEQUEL is a bit of a harder sell, particularly when, like this book, it fails to find its audience - browsing the Amazon reviews, even people who like her show are calling this terrible. That just leaves people reading it for snark/Bile Fascination.
psycher7
Tyra practically bought a publisher to put out Modelland. Odds are, no matter what the masses say, she's going to bring out a sequel.

I pray to goodness that it gets sporked relentlessly. >:3
RemusDDuck
o.0 Tyra actually bought a publisher? The sequels Inevitably-

-quivers in fear- This has to be a sign of the apocalypse!

Anyway, did you guys notice that piper's "sad" excuse a few entries back was beyond any good reason for wangsting. at least other wangsters have reasons, albeit incredibly stupid ones. She's angsting over literally nothing.

Also, I though of something: we found out that there was "predetermined admissions list" to every T-DOD. other than propaganda, What's the point in having T-DOD and the smizes? And yes, I think what Ci-L did on that that made it kinda suspicious. But that has the benefit of being interpreted as some master control that somehow figures out who's getting chosen during when everyone is walking.
gekkolexicon
Chapter 29: Return of the Interesting Characters
"Meanwhile, the twisted, rabid, hunchbacked figure..." Rabid? Hunchy has rabies?
Gante
Having played Rayman Origins recently, I cannot take anything that resembles a musical instrument seriously. It just puts me in mind of The Desert of Digeridoos (which I can somehow take more seriously as a setting than Modelland, despite that game being comical), and I just picture this carnivorous flute-grass with big googly eyes and potentially giant tongues.
FreezairForALimitedTime
^ Am I the only one who thinks that would make a much better book? In fact, we could just transcribe someone's Let's Play of Rayman (or one of my faves, Banjo Kazooie) and it would make a lot more sense than this. Although not as much fun to spork.
psycher7
The Pilgrims are definitely the highlight of this book. Hell, even Hunchy manages to make up for being an evil cannibal by being a fairly badass evil cannibal. He's even fighting handicapped since his finishing move implies that Lizard men commonly use their lower talons in combat.

I'll take a third option on his motives. I think Hunchy is going after Piper specifically because he has a grudge against their family. The only thing we know about Piper's dad is that he's an albino and he was killed by a Lizard Man. I think Piper's old man might have fought Hunchy sometime in the past. During that battle he killed one of Hunchy's own family members, perhaps even Hunchy's children. Hunchy then killed him in retaliation and swore a blood oath against his family. Killing Piper and eating her sweetbreads is the only way he can avenge his family and put his children's spirits to rest.

I'm curious, what weapons are the Pilgrims using? I know Hunchy has a spear and Myrrical and Creamy use that weird monster repellent but what about the others?
DrDahm
"I'm curious, what weapons are the Pilgrims using?"

They're using metal that they've scavenged and sharpened into weapons. Abigail has a piece of siding, Harriet has a belt buckle, and Lynne has a twisted piece of car bumper. The group also have "shank spears," but we aren't told what they were made from.

No idea why there are car bumpers and siding there, but I'll forgive it, because surviving a desolate wasteland with scrap metal as their only weapons is pretty badass.
LadyMomus
@Psycher: I've often thought that a fantasy novel based on a With The Serial Numbers Filed Off version of Banjo Kazooie's universe would be an insanely fun read. Or at the very least, a fantasy world with the same weird whimsy as the Banjoverse.

"Weird whimsy" is definitely what this book is trying to pull off, I think, but we must remember that not all whims are good whims...
FreezairForALimitedTime
@Dr Dahm: The whole vendetta against Piper's family would make perfect sense when you think about it. If Piper's father"s death involved a Lizard Man. Then, they could've somehow both killed each other and hunchy wants revenge for his Friend's/Lover's/ child's/ leader's death. That would make sense in context. There's just one problem with that: How did he know that Piper was at modelland? I think the answer would be that he snuck in, tracked the mother, most likely killed her since we see no signs of a war, she told him about modelland and he journeyed all the way there. It's either that, or went into a village/camp and found out that Piper was in modelland. which gave him a chance to avenge his tribe.
gekkolexicon
"How did he know that Piper was at modelland?"

A group of Hunchy's people saw Piper leave with a Modelland Scout. It's possible he was part of that group, or heard about Piper leaving from that group.
LadyMomus
yeah, that's possible. But how did that tribe know about modelland?

here's my answer: he was part of the group who saw the modelland scout get out of the dome. this particular Lizard Man has a vendetta against Piper's family because of what happened to his budddy when he/she faced Piper's dad (I'm still sticking to my theory that they both killed each other). since we now know that these guys can traveloutside of the jungle, so he most likely travel to a village or city, that may not have reconized that he was a Lizard Man and found out the details of Piper's whereabout. Which lead him to the diabolical divide.

There you go: a plausible theory that'll probably be screwed over by a beyond the impossible stupid reason.
gekkolexicon
This assumes that it'll be explained at all. I doubt it, to be honest.
108.26.103.232
I agree. The way this book is going, any and every logical explanation will never happen.
gekkolexicon
Well Modelland is supposed to be so superspecialawesome that everyone in the world wants to go there so it's entirely possible that Hunchy's people already know about it. By the way Lady Momus, are you okay with me calling them Lizard Folk or would that be insulting to their species. I'm not being sarcastic, if it honestly bugs you I'll start calling them by their proper moniker.
DrDahm
^ It doesn't bug me if you call them Lizard Folk. They have scales, claws and pointed teeth, so it fits. (And "Lizard Folk" sounds more dignified than "LeGizzrd".)

Now if you start referring to Hunchy as "it" instead of "he", then it would bug me.
LadyMomus
There's one other, nonsensical, and so most likely going to be in this story, idea.

Hunchy is Piper's father. When those inside the dome stay in the light outside too long their freaky uber-albiniam turns their skin scaly and lizard-like, then bakes their brains so they turn into animalistic lizard folk. Piper's pop ventured out, or was kicked out by Piper's mom, and now he's fixated on his used-to-be-kid because she's something he remembers from when he was a human.
206.248.32.246
That's possible, but I don't think it's as big as an asspull for this book.
gekkolexicon
Chapter 30: Padding, padding and more padding
I'm tryin' to do somethin' with my life to help my momma, my sisters, and my brothers. Y'all know I got four of each.

Wow... she has four mothers? :P

I have to admit, I'm a bit surprised to see the book cast Ci-L in such a negative light. I mean, not that she hasn't been alternately creepy and/or pathetic and/or unsettling, but the book has been trying so damnededly to get us to like her (by its standards) that the reversal is surprising. It's almost like Tyra was trying!

...Don't sue me, Ms. Banks!
FreezairForALimitedTime
how batshit insane does a person have to be to write this and not regret it? because I know there are artists and writers out there that create batshit insane stuff and it's good/awesome.

here we see the other end of the spectrum. where where that drug trip didn't produce something awesome, but a pile of rambiling inconherent nonsense.
gekkolexicon

209.250.211.124
Seeing as Ci~L really comes off as Tyra's self-insert, I'm betting that it'll turn out that Tookie misinterpreted what she was saying. After all, Ci~L said that the girls *were* her experiment, not that she's experimenting *on* them...
209.91.185.171
I haven't actually finished the liveblog yet, so forgive me if this has been revealed, but do we ever find out what accent the "Dahling" chick has?
randomtropeloser
@randomtropeloser: nope, she's just there to narrorate. and we never find anything about her, ever!

pretty stupid, huh?
gekkolexicon
Is it sad that I'm still more emotionally invested in Hunchy and the other pilgrims? All of that and I still find a cannibal lizard man and the "evil" half-sister to be more sympathetic than all of the Unicas combined. Does that say bad things about me as a person or bad things about Tyra as a writer?
DrDahm
^ I like the Pilgrims better than the other characters, so it's not just you. The problem is that the Unicas are boring. They don't have much in the way of personalities, so the group are all "bestest friends forever" without any of the personality conflicts that you'd see with real people.

And even if the Unicas were fully developed characters, high school drama is still less interesting than a death-defying journey across a wilderness populated by monsters and killer plants.

The Pilgrims aren't very nice people, but at least they're interesting.
LadyMomus
@Gekkolexicon: Oh. In that case, my official fan theory is that she was actually a dude.
randomtropeloser
@randomtropeloser: That would actually be funny! lol
gekkolexicon
Chapter 31: Does Anyone Have a Plan B?
so proactivity is a sin now? huh. who would've guessed. I guess in Tyra's mind the most slothful are going to heaven. either that, or Tyra doesn't know how to write a protagonist.

and the subdueing Ci~L thing. I think I'm going to have to disagree with you there Lady Momus, unfortunately. Since modelland trains magical models, it would make sense for the security team to be capable of fighting off high powered models. But recruiting bestosterone boys is just stupid on several levels (I don't know why, but it just doesn't sound like a good idea.) unless they have a class specifically dealing with defeating magical models. lol

also, I'm sure no producer would want to make this. Even if this come in a movie form, I'm going to expect the nostagia chick to review this with backup.

also, finally you came out with a new entry. THANK YOU! what took so long Lady Momus?

and yay! first comment! XP
gekkolexicon
But recruiting bestosterone boys is just stupid on several levels (I don't know why, but it just doesn't sound like a good idea.) unless they have a class specifically dealing with defeating magical models.

The Bestosterone boys don't have any magic, so you'd think they'd get their butts kicked. It makes me wonder how they managed to win. Too bad we don't get a description of what happened.

what took so long Lady Momus?

I haven't had much free time. (Because of school mostly. I had two big projects due within a day of each other.) I should be able to post more frequently from now on.

At least until finals roll around, but this liveblog should be complete by then.
LadyMomus
hope school's going ok for you. But anyway, a description is necassary for explaining how the guards stopped Ci~L. It would've stopped the plothole/wallbanger.
gekkolexicon
Ahh, but that would be an action scene and it's pretty clear that only the Pilgrims are allowed to have those.
DrDahm
lol True. Just goes to show how much of a bad writer Tyra is. Either that, or she's somehow batshit insane. I would call her stupid, but that may be insulting.
gekkolexicon
At least somebody's aware in this story of how much Ci-L's poetry sucks!
FreezairForALimitedTime
Chapter 32 & 33: Two for One Installment
Am I the only one wondering if Creamy lost another kid or something? She treats that doll like a baby.

Also, Tyra's mind is a scary, scary place to dwell.
206.248.32.246
I thoroughly enjoyed that last chapter! If Tyra just cut out all that "Modelland" crap and had this story be about the Pilgrims it would be straight-up decent. They even have a cooler group name then Tookie and pals. Feel free to disagree with me on this but "The Pilgrims" sounds a lot more epic than "The Unicas".

The one thing that bugs me here is why Lynne still has a problem with Hunchy. I know he's a cannibal lizard man but they've been traveling with him for at least a few months and he has been nothing but helpful. He hasn't attacked anyone in the group, he helped fight off the tumble terrors and the text during that fight implied that he was the only one of them with prior experience handling a weapon. Even his reintroduction scene has him doing something beneficial for the group. That fresh blood on his mouth means that he just got done killing something that was probably going to attack them anyway. I know Tyra's trying to write him as the Token Evil Teammate but he comes across as the Big Guy. I re-read the previous sporkings chapters and he hasn't done anything to directly threaten the other Pilgrims. Sorry for the wall of text but fantastic racism really grinds my gears, especially when it crops up in really inappropriate situations like this.
DrDahm
mellifluous, it means:1.Flowing like honey,or 2.Sweet and smooth; generally used of a person's voice, tone or writing style. Thank you Tyra for teaching me a word I'm most like never going to use again.

And Lady Momus, I agree with you, I want to see a horror movie with that instrument skeletal monster. Let call it Skelorchestrap!

Also, I agree, The pilgrims are way more interesting. Lets face it, they are facing life and limb just to reach their goals no matter how delusional it is. I think Creamy is the only interesting, three dimensional character so far is because she seems to have been through this before and is (possibly unintentional) turning into a badass.

One last thing, I have a new WMG: Hunchy is on an honor mission to defeat/kill Piper because her father and someone Hunchy knows got into a fight and both killed each other.Also Hunchy's folk have a deep sense of honor as a staple of their society. It would make sense for both characters.
gekkolexicon
I finished this book not too long ago. I'm with you 100% with the Pilgrims: they're the best thing about the book and the quality of writing in their chapters makes me wonder why Tyra's editor didn't sit her down and say, "Listen, I know you love this story about this... 'unattractive' girl, but you're really onto something with these Pilgrims, and you're not confusing your intended message too much with them. Try focusing an entire story on them instead."

That would have been the coolest thing ever. Tyra is surprisingly good at creature creation.

Also, I want to tell you to be careful what you wish for in terms of Creamy's backstory. It's coming. Dear lord, it's coming....
147.253.100.132
Holy cow, that monster is actually badass! It's like these chapters snuck in from some other book, about this freakish world of perverted whimsy where sympathetic people succumb to their delusions and throw their lives away. And yet, for all their madness, we too know the sting of a dream deferred and cannot help but admire them in a twisted way...

FreezairForALimitedTime
One word, and one word only for that last chapter: ._.
RemusDDuck
The reason the editor never steps in is because Tyra's editor is Tyra. It's really sad too because somewhere deep down in Tyra is a legitimately decent writer. Modelland reads like a person's first fanfic because that's probably what it is. It's a story written by a person with a good imagination but no actual grasp on how writing works. If she had someone to reign her in this book might have been a pleasant surprise instead of what it is now.
DrDahm
^ to respond to the guy who is warning us of the backstory: I skipped ahead and read that part months ago. And I'm backing you up on this. Be warned, her motives are ridiculous. My god Tyra, you should've learned how to write good characters. I'm warning you all right now, the ending is stupid beyond reason. It may be a wallbanger.

also Dr Dahm, I agree with you. She could've used someone that could guide her on how to write.
gekkolexicon
Chapter 34: Mocking the Mentally Ill
She shut herself in the fridge? Shouldn't she have suffocated by now?
FreezairForALimitedTime
Wow. Tookie is terrible. Why is Myrracle not the protagonist of this story? She's a hundred times more likable and relatable (not a polyglot; makes mistakes; not a horrible person; actually has a conflict since she needs to choose between modeling and dance and her parents are obviously expecting her to solve their problems, which is very stressful for a teenager). Even Zarpessa would be a better heroine, especially since she's shown to be a sympathetic character (because she made that gold-dust poster for Theophilus, despite being destitute).
99.111.128.246
Also, I forgot to add the fact that she actually seems to have the drive to cross the Diabolic Divide instead of just lazily wishing she could be invited to Modelland (like her sister).
99.111.128.246
Whaaaaaat a bitch.

You know it's bad when the antagonist is one of the only likeable characters in a story. :/
142.151.161.58
I know what you mean. A villain can be a likeable character. But when your protagonists are horribly made characters, it is a bad thing.

Hey Lady Momus, this is fast. you must have alot of free time now.
gekkolexicon
Tookie and the Unicas were always kind of dull but in this chapter they come across as outright evil. Mocking the destitute and mentally ill is a pretty good way to leap over the moral event horizon. Tyra tries to have her cake and eat it by making them suddenly care about her near the end but that just makes them come across as hypocrites. They act WORSE than the cannibal lizard man, at least his evil is just implied.
DrDahm
True that! -sigh- Tyra has now failed as a writer.

I just realised something:

Modelland+sequelitis= nightmareish eldrich abomination beyond all sane logic!
gekkolexicon
I'm so conflicted here! Tyra can't decide who to refer to as the "good guy". First it's Ci~l, then Bella Donna (and then immediately not) and now it's Ci~L again. Why is the only woman who gives empowering, non-sexist advice the villain? Why does Ci~l tell Tookie to have empathy for Zarpessa, and then verbally assault the girl at every opportunity? Will Goku ever find true love? Find out in the increasingly draining final chapters of Modelland: A Blind Sporking!
Jergling
Chapter 35: So Bad That I Had to Resort to Image Macros
Bravo's lopsided grin snaked its way up the side of his face and right into Tookie's heart.

I... I kind of like this line. *head hang of shame*

But everything else is dumb as balls, thought. Opportunity? What's that?
FreezairForALimitedTime
I don't blame you for liking that line, lopsided grins just seem attractive for some reason. Hell it's the closest thing to a positive character trait that Edward Cullen ever got. That said, is it just me or does it feel like these romance scenes are a really disturbing look into Tyra Bank's id? Bravo's actions seem less like typical romantic gestures and more like weird fetishes that Tyra has. That thumbsucking thing reeks of infantilism. Hell look at the detailed description she gave of the girls getting covered in gunge during the food chapter. That attention makes me wonder if Tyra has a weird messy girl thing going on.
DrDahm
Thank you for your blog. It makes the fact that I've read this entire book feel almost worth it. I hope you will also respond to the acknowledgements that Tyra wrote, too. They're...well...please just read and respond to them, too. Love your commentary.
24.91.69.130
I liked the "snaked its way up the side of his face and into her heart" bit specifically. It's a bit twee, but I like twee wordplay.

You've kinda got a point about the weird fetish, though. I don't want to put on "fetish goggles" or anything, but it does make me wonder...
FreezairForALimitedTime
Maybe Tyra's actually insane. It would explain alot about this book. Maybe sending her to an insane asylum would be a good thing.

Also, other than the Zip Zap thing, this chapter is pointless. Bravo is a psycho as confirmed in this chapter, but the romantic arc seems irrelevant in this story.
gekkolexicon
Hmm, Bella, stalker (which is of course a sign of true love), rampant Sue-ishness while more interesting supporting characters are ignored...I feel like I've heard this before.
psycher7
I bet you're refering to twilight. closest thing I can think of.
gekkolexicon
Chapter 36: The Pilgrims' Progress
Wait... the pilgrims are gone? We're not going to get any more pilgrim chapters? And the ones that died were the only ones that probably wouldn't be treated as antagonists?

AAARGH WHY TYRA WHY
Evergreen215
So here is the moral of the story, dear readers.

Girls shall be beautiful or be forgotten. If ye are beautiful, then ye shall risk all to be worshiped for your beauty. If ye are not beautiful, then ye shall risk all in an attempt to convince others that ye are. Men are worthless. They may be leaders, artists, hunters, gathers, builders, fathers, brothers, or lovers, but they are worthless. Men are never to be lovers if ye are beautiful. Ye have been stripped of thy period, henceforth, ye are sterile and have no need of love or sex If ye still want love or sex, ye shall be vexed with the skin of a hag and made an object of ridicule. If ye show bravery, ye shall die. If ye are prettier than the ones deemed worthy, ye shall die. If ye are interesting, ye shall die. If ye are logical, ye shall die. If ye have compassion, ye shall die. If ye entertain any thoughts not centered around thyself and thy own beauty and how either or both can be used to thy advantage, ye shall die. Women are meant to be seen, ogled, used as objects of desire and marketing, otherwise they shall surely die. Women are so vapid, they can be easily convinced that the ultimate goal in life is to covet the unattainable, defying moral and upbringing if they must, and never strive for anything beyond physical perfection. So shall they reduce the competition for the men in real life. The 99.99999% of the female population who don't rise to the apex of worship must instill the same rabid need for material perfection in their offspring, or else they have failed both family and society.

206.248.32.246
Since you put it that way,this book is sexist. Or warped beyond reason. Your pick.
gekkolexicon
"I'm your leader, not a magician, dear," Creamy said dryly.

"Oh my Lord!" Creamy began to run in hysterical circles. "My babies! Somebody get my babies!"

What a hypocritical BITCH. What's that? You just saw your mother get sliced in half? Suck it up. Oh noes, my daughter (and doll) is merely threatened without actually being hurt yet! Everyone, risk your lives for them!
psycher7
Cue little girls being scarred for life reading this book.
209.91.185.171
I feel really sad now that the pilgrimage seems to be over. It just feels like such an anti-climactic way for their story to end. That scene with Abigail is especially strange, why did she choose then to suddenly go crazy? How could she shave off ALL of her body hair in what appears to be a few seconds? Why did Hunchy find her attractive? He's a lizard man! Unless she has awesome scales and a tail that goes on forever under that robe I'm not seeing where the attraction would be.

Speaking of Hunchy, I just realized something. I think he might have practical reasons for wanting Piper dead on top of the personal ones I assume he has. If Piper becomes an Intoxibella she'll get one of 7 powers, all of them if she's lucky. The powers have dumb names but most of them are actually pretty devastating if used correctly. Piper and her people are at war with the Lizard Folk and appear to have a massive technological advantage over them. If she gets any of the more useful powers then she will have the power to end the war in Sanscolor's favor. We know that Piper is a "sweet" person but to the Lizard Folk she's shaping up to be a Dark Messiah that will either wipe them off the face of the earth or turn them into slaves of fashion. With the destruction of his race looming over his head and the loss off his family eating away at his mind a hunchbacked lizard man decides to risk it all. He will cross the Diabolical Divide and slay the Dark One before her power awakens, or he will die trying.
DrDahm
I don't mind the "muses" not being the traditional muses. It just doesn't bother me. *shrug*

At least this book averts Men Are The Expendible Gender... in the wrong way. *sigh*

At least this dreck has a body count to make it somewhat interesting.
FreezairForALimitedTime
The more I think about this, I actually feel sorry for snarking at the book. No one sits down and tries to write something awful, they write the best they can and truly think/hope that others will love it, too. Having it ridiculed is too painful.
206.248.32.246
"No one sits down and tries to write something awful..."

What about people who are going for Stylistic Suck, or end up with a Springtime For Hitler scenario, or just out-and-out trolls?

And eugh, that whole mess with Abigail. Aside from not making any frickin' sense (yeah, like she's going to end up with perfectly smooth, glowing, gorgeous skin without any cuts or razor burn by scraping a knife all over her body in some kind of berserk rage without applying any water or shaving cream first), it just shrieks "Unfortunate Implications." "Oh, poor Abigail. If only she had gone to a salon and gotten everything waxed, she could have realized that she already fit this world's exceedingly narrow standards of beauty. Instead, she foolishly tried to challenge the status quo and died horribly because of it. Let her tragedy be a lesson to us all."
RosesSpindle
Dr Dahm, I actually agree with you. We also have to remeber that Piper has a fear of the Lizard Men. Chameeleon, Multiplicity, Teleportaling are standard powers in comic book. Seduksheeon could seduce the men of his tride into submision. Excite-To-Buy could subduce the entire tribe. Thirty Never and Sixx Sensa beyond useless in combat situations. Going by that, Hunchy has another good reason to kill piper. Thus making him a little more heroic.

I wanted to say this earlier but I forgot about it. But here it goes. It's strange that we see in four chapters that we gain interest in a group of characters like these. But that's because they somehow have a reasonable motivation and some developement. It's also kinda pathetic that it takes over 32 chapters and so little action amongs our main plot.

And Lady Momus, I agree these four chapters are the best part of the book, and with the most interesting characters. Odd how these four are better that the rest.

gekkolexicon
@246.208, I don't feel bad at all. This whole book shreiks "Look how brilliant I am!" Authors who are infatuated with their own cleverness need a rebuke, and subtlety would be lost on Tyra. If she can't handle rejection, she can't call herself a writer.

This book is an abomintation in the eyes of the Gods of Literature and a cowpie thrown in the fair face of Fantasy. It deserve all the wrath snarkers can pour on it.
Gante
I agree with you Gante. This is the kind of book that if it was a living being I'd be willing to be the shit out of it, maybe to the death.

I think I may have a book that may be able to top this piece of shit. The book was given to me by a classmate who got from somebody who was giving it away from outside one of my school buildings (in case you are wondering, I go to a university and it may have been the author who was giving it out). She said the book was horrible. And I agree from the few pages I read and the fact that they were handing them out for free. Well you know it's a bad sign when someone's giving out there book for free in front of a university. It's also an uneasy sign if it's self published.

one last thing: awhile ago I finnished this book called True Talents that does this shift from one point of view/story and story merge better than this book. I recommend that one and its prequel.
gekkolexicon
They're not dead (I've read it). But things don't get better when they do resurface (we get Creamy's backstory, and it's pretty messed up).
99.111.128.246
Chapter 37: Hollow Victory
And I agree with you on this Lady Momus. Tookie's the one at fault here, even though Bravo's kinda creepy. She had no reason to not tell him, and if she just explained she had to do it to save her and her friends life he would understand and maybe want her to to go through with her plan to safety. A GIRL BEATING UP A GUY IS STILL ABUSE GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Glad you pointed that out. Now I think our characters at modelland deserve the deepest darkest most cruelest pits of hell. The other thing about this chapter is that it's basically Tyra writing porn or something that reminds her of sexy but can get past the radar. I think this manattack this was in just so Gunnero could get aroused (why else would he be talking like a perv) and that tyra wanted to have something that she thought was sexy or wanted on of her turn ons in this book. how moronic.
gekkolexicon
Hey, it's true! {Abuse is okay when it is female on male}}!
Jergling
And cue She Cleans Up Nicely. Sigh.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Chapter 38: Run Away!
HOW ARE YOU GOING SO FAST GIRL. I appreciate the speedy updates, but this much Modelland all at once can't be good for a person.

Also... the Zipzap is zipper-shaped, yes? And it's got teeth. And it's full of red liquid. Hmmm...
FreezairForALimitedTime
How can she mention Bravo in that list of people she cares about after what she did to him in Manattack? You don't treat the people you care about like that! Then again, with the way she treats Lizzie maybe this IS how Tookie shows affection. I'd call her a heroic sociopath but she has yet to do anything heroic.
DrDahm (edited by: DrDahm)
When I read this chapter, I became convinced Lizzie died. Lizzie, the one girl i actually cared about. Lizzie, the one girl who's "tragic back story" actually had some weight for me. Lizzie, the one character who actually seemed to be facing a real threat. And she kills herself in the most comical and confusing chase scene ever. This is the point where i wanted to throw this book across my room. Tookie's reaction to it in the next chapter only make it worse. I'm sorry, but this is not how you handle self harm, especially in a book that's supposed to be talking about these issues seriously. Lizzie's cutting and, in my opinion, her death are just used for cheap drama. And I understand that when the second book comes out (God forbid) Lizzie will probably come back, but that doesn't excuse how this whole bit was handled. Seriously, Tyra, you could at least read a freaking pamphlet about suicidal thoughts and cutting before you made them character traits.
209.250.213.195
^ Surely you're not suggesting that the flawless genius of Ms Banks would ever have to do something as pedestrian as research? Next you'll be saying that she should familiarize herself with YA Fantasy before writing a 600+ page tome as the first in a trilogy! And that would just be silly...
psycher7
^ Now, now. Be fair. Modelland is only 576 pages. :P
LadyMomus
and now for my mandatory comment.

Tyra has been failing one of the most highly important rules in storytelling. always do some research! And unless unwanted otherwise, apply some form of fluid logic!
gekkolexicon
There's still 10 chapters left? The suffering hasn't ended yet?
108.26.89.34
nope, and the ending's probably gonaa get worse. -evily luaghs-
gekkolexicon
This chapter was terrible - they all are - but one thing got me thinking: "[Shiraz] shrugged and shot the driver her best Cara Cara Cara expression, which made him break into a googly I'll do anything you want smile." Maybe this is foreshadowing to Shiraz gaining the power of - God forbid - Seduksheeon?
71.202.88.54
That be kinda scary, considering she's small and underaged. Do you realise how creepy it is when a writer gives the loli implication. -shudders- GOD, TYRA! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!!!!!!! WOULDN'T IT BE MORE REASONABLE TO TELL HIM THE TRUTH OR TRY TO CONVINCE HIM!!!!!???????????????

how moronic.
gekkolexicon
"Maybe this is foreshadowing to Shiraz gaining the power of - God forbid - Seduksheeon?" You misspelled seduction. Oh, wait, that's how Tyra spells it...*sobs uncontrollably*
209.250.213.203
Chapter 39: Everything You Know Is Wrong
Figured that Ci~L wasn't evil. Why? Because until Tookie overheard the whole "sacrifice" thing, Ci~L was portrayed as acting completely virtuous and sympathetic; afterwards, she was portrayed as acting completely evil and twisted.

It could very well be that Tyra decided her self-in—I mean, Ci~L—wouldn't be evil after all partway through. Or that she just doesn't know how to write a book.

Hey, why not both?
209.91.185.171
I'm just pissed that Ci-L's humongous beef with the BellaDonna turns out to have been over statuary. Really, Tyra? Really? That's what all this torture and rage was about? A couple of gravestones? Really?
FreezairForALimitedTime
@ 209: I'm sure it's more likely that she can't write a freakin' book. Which doesn't surprise me, Since celebrities writing books are something I assume most of them lean towards the terrible. But what gets me is how horrible this is. I'm sure no ghost writer would go this far.

@Freezair: I know what you mean. It is utterly stupid. And why would she be offended by this? How can she see this across the divide? And would she abuse some over this? but sadly, I read the ending and it's goona get worse from here on in. Better prepare yourselves.

also, Lady Momus, you should review stuff more often. I like your liveblog. maybe you should be a book critic. I don't think there's one of those on that guy with the glasses.
gekkolexicon
@Freezair: I think the BellaDonna was more annoyed by the fact that she was defied than the exact nature of the defiance. She seems to be a huge control freak.

@gekkolexicon: ^_^ Thanks. I'm planning on doing another liveblog after this one, but I haven't decided on a subject yet. I'm leaning towards a review of a TV show, but I might do another book if I find one that interests me.
LadyMomus
Control freak or no, I just don't buy it. It seems incredibly weak to me.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Chapter 40: Return of the Narrator
"Yesss, my daughter...It isss I, having ssskinned a le Gizzzard for itsss protective ssscales!"

I'd be very amused if in fact Hunchy was badass enough to take on the entire population of Modelland.
SKJAM
I agree. This is how you end a chapter should end.
gekkolexicon
Probably the most apropos application of Troll 2 I've ever seen.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Exciting as this ending has been, it still makes me question Tookie's intelligence. I don't care how dirty Creamy was, Tookie should still be able to tell the difference between her female, human mother and a male Le Gizzard. This also makes me wonder what exactly the Le Gizzards look like. Early on they were made out to be completely inhuman but in this chapter it sounds like the only difference between them and humans is nail length and a skin condition.
DrDahm
I'm guessing the LeGizzards are just reptilian humans with talons and yellow eyes. That's the only way he could mix a human up with one of them (they'd also have to be smaller than the average human, too).

This is probably the best chapter ending in the whole book.
BlackElephant
Chapter 41: Mutilating the English Language for Fun and Profit
I think the Unicas have a special eighth power that they can use when they're together, the ability to stop anything interesting from happening. Seriously, it took an entire chapter for them to just walk to the Belladonna's room! I think it might actually be a power since Creamy and Myrracle only stopped doing cool stuff when they ran into Tookie and pals. They just achieved the impossible and crossed the Divide into Modelland, and somehow all anyone can focus on is how Tookie and pals will be late to the Se7en Tournament.
DrDahm

130.166.148.147
Meanwhile, Hunchy arrives over the wall, and everyone just assumes he's one of Tookie's relatives and give him the run of the place.
SKJAM
At least then somebody in this book would be having a good time.
FreezairForALimitedTime
I don't think having a chapter focusing on this is neccessary. she could have done this with less chapters.

also, how the hell did it took Tyra 5 years just to write a book? the article said the first draft was over 1000 pages, which I do not wanna see. At least with other books, authors take the time to edit and modify their books to make it good. Here, this feels like she wasted half that time coming up with schlock.
gekkolexicon
Chapter 42: Lots of Arguing Followed by Backstory
Myrracle clearly has a decent head on her shoulders, no matter what anyone thinks. She should be seriously slapping people across the face for their idiocy now.
FreezairForALimitedTime
I just love that the narration feels the need to tell us that Piper is speaking uncharacteristically, as if Tyra truly has so little faith in her own characterization skills.
MFM
I'm actually really proud of Myrracle for standing up for herself. She DID cross the divide and she deserves respect not only from her mother but from everyone there. Meanwhile, Tookie still accomplishes nothing and only gets to see the flashback because she's clumsy. Pumaman was a more proactive hero than her.
DrDahm
I'm willing to believe the =Bella Donna= has "overwhelming charisma" that works on the kids, but not so much people who actually know her.
SKJAM
now for my mandatory comment:

Why must Myracle be the only character that's not ruined. and yes I read the ending. Also, I know want to shoot the main characters and send them to hell, the deepest darkest pits of the inferno.

Now that I think about it, if I were to go to hell, I bet it would be similar to modelland. You know your location is hellish when it beats mordor in the never want to visit category and could be a punishment in hell.
gekkolexicon
Is this the first time we've actually gotten a description of the Bella Donna? I've been imagining here as a slightly overweight old lady this whole time, but I guess that doesn't really make sense in Tyra's world. After all, no one can be attractive in modelland without looking like Tyra herself.
Jergling
Random note - during that awful chapter about all the girls getting their periods magically, Tookie saw some graffiti on the wall. "Latta Defacake. 7/7 4 Sure." It was Creamy, and although it was way too obscure to count as foreshadowing, bravo to Tyra for attempting to make some form of connection.
71.202.88.54
Chapter 43: More Backstory
Oh god was this a disturbing chapter. I knew Creamy was kind of messed up but I wasn't expecting THAT.
DrDahm
Oh god, that bathroom graffiti about Latta Defacake in one of the earlier chapters ended up being relevant? Just go on and shoot me now!

Also:

"Why can't I have both my baby and my beauty?"
Gee, that doesn't sound incredibly selfish.

To be fair, it's kind of a dumb choice to have to make. Considering how screwed up the whole Modelland culture is, the whole aging barrier and the laws about not seeing civillians are pretty dumb and unnecessary to begin with. Under those circumstances, I think it's a pretty fair request.
FreezairForALimitedTime
^ A lot of the choices in this chapter are fairly dumb ones, to be honest. I'm half convinced that queens of Modelland are required to only offer lose-lose scenarios whenever they give someone choices.

Then again, we wouldn't have a plot if the Queen had acted reasonably.
LadyMomus
Tyra, let's talk about ellipses. Ellipses should be used sparingly and while in theory can add suspense, they rarely do and just look stupid. "The Bella Donna's boyfriendthe father of her childwasn't Chris-Crme-Crobat.

He was ... Wingtip." The first time I read that all I could think of was "It was....................DUMBLYDORE!"
209.250.209.132
...well shit.

That's not how babies are born.

This whole chapter had me chuckling heartily.
142.1.242.117
Ok

It's now official that Tyra cannot possibly do math to save her life. seriously, It looks half assed in this book. if the math was tweeked and and wasn't this novel it would've made a good conspiracy. But no, it's just lazy. Also, Defacake, really? REALLY! THIS IS NOT A CHILDREN'S NOVEL! That name is only good for a comedic character. Why would Defacake be a good name for a "villain" in a serious novel.

also Lady Momus, it's "he's always loved her voice more than her face" not "he's always loved his voice more than her face". Also you're kinda right that the Queen was right to take the baby away. But I don't think that was one of her intentions. I realised that Insanity runs in the belladonna family. How else do you explain their chaotic, irrational, crazy person behaviour.

Anyway, Lady Momus, when you go on to do something else, how will I find it?

gekkolexicon
Mind you, it is possible for women to go quite some time before realizing they're pregnant, particularly if they haven't had good sex ed, are kind of hefty and are physically active.

But La Donna, being model-thin, would certainly have noticed the weight gain and been working desperately to lose it, even if she didn't understand that there was a fetus in there.
SKJAM
gekkolexicon: Thanks for pointing out that typo. I fixed it.

If you want me to, I can PM you when I start a new liveblog.

My next liveblog will be a TV show instead of a book, and it will be about something I actually like. (I need a change of pace after Modelland.)
LadyMomus
There's a rape scene in a child's book. A RAPE SCENE IN A CHILD'S BOOK. I mean, it's convoluted and hard to understand, but holy hell Tyra.

Koredesending
^ Attempted rape, anyway. Creamy got interrupted before things could go any further than taking off shirts.

(And the book's advertised as teen/young adult. Not that it makes the scene any better.)
LadyMomus
You can PM me when you do your next liveblog. Thanks. -gives you a hug- That attempted rape scene better not lead to the birth of Tookie. though, I'll admit it that it wouldn't be likely that Tookie would be the child of Wingtip since Ci~L seems to be in her early twenties and this flashback took place at least 9 months after Ci~L's birth. If Tookie turns out to be her sister, I'd freak since it means Tookie is a big stupid sue and that Tura has no sense of logic.
gekkolexicon
Chapter 44: Shortest Chapter
This book is vile. This book is loathesome and despicable. I know it's a mug's game to extrapolate a writer's mindset from her work, but I can't imagine anyone without a thouroughly ugly heart writing any of this.
Gante
My God, this is so absolutely terrible.

The writing is juvenile and pretentious, and it sucks. The characters are boring and flat. Almost every chapter has more Unfortunate Implications.

But these last few chapters have been worse than all of that. Everything else wrong with this book takes a backseat to the incredible, disgusting, convoluted shit Tyra has given us. I want all of these characters to die.
Evergreen215
anti surgery magical field. lol. And I agree, them helping Creamy would be asking to much of them. To warn you all, it's gonna get stupider, if that's even possible. So, does Creamy's backstory make her more villainous/ evil, or does it destroy her character? Personally, it's a little weird.
gekkolexicon
Yeah, you know your book is bad when the bulk of your book stinks and you somehow make the ending worse.

Honestly this is a rare that of book. It's the kind of book that should never have existed, and has writing so bad it turns the book into an eldrich abomination. Modelland belongs in the category I call shitfest.
gekkolexicon
Why is everyone in this book getting skewered by improbably-placed spikes?
FreezairForALimitedTime
I don't know. But i'm sure it's Tyra's twisted mind and poor writing to be blamed here. And I'm recategorizing Modelland under shitfest disaster or shitfest apocalypse, which ever suites the book will do.
gekkolexicon
^ You need to settle on one or the other, since you'll have a hard time finding the file if you then decide to add a category for "Shitfest Catastrophe"
Jergling
"Shitfest Catastrophe" hhhmmmmmmmm that's a good one, I think I like it. I'll have to remember that one. can this go in so bad it's horrible too?
gekkolexicon
Chapter 45: Ugly Room, Ugly People
Wait, what happened to, what was his name, Hunchy?
108.26.82.36
Unless he's mentioned in the Epilogue, I'm going to imagine him reaching Modelland, getting in because the dimwits think he's Tookie's father, and then quietly and one-by-one eating everyone's internal organs.

Happy Ending. :-P
SKJAM
^^ I have no clue. Hunchy hasn't been mentioned since his last appearance. (I just finished reading the next chapter and he isn't in it either.)

Either he's going to show up in the last couple chapters — possibly as an end-of-book cliffhanger — or Tyra forgot he existed.
LadyMomus (edited by: LadyMomus)
I'd like some backstory on Hunchy. How does he know who Piper is? How does he know Piper's scent? Why is he so determined to kill her that he'd cross the Divide, a place so dangerous that it is widely recognized as impossible to pass? If all he's after is human organs then why didn't he attack his traveling companions? What is the society of Lizard Folk like? Tyra Banks accidentally made a minor background villain one of the most mysterious and complex characters in the book.
DrDahm
-sigh- Ci~L, see love, WHAT IN FUCK'S NAME IS THAT!!!!! WHO NAMES THERE CHILD THAT! I can understand if it was pulled of as a hard warming moment. But here its INCREDIBLY STUPID!

And creamy could've been a good villain. But her backstory screws it for me. It makes her more pathetic. Also the backstory destroys the book even further.

Also the fact that the world goes into disaster manages to go into wallbanger territory. Which is practically a near beyond the impossible moment for this book for how much time it takes gunnero to get his news across, which I think is incredibly short.

I think Gunnero probably doesn't know about Ci~L being a princess, but she could've said something! But the preregistered thing is top secret so they have some kind of reason to cancel just to keep up the conspiracy. It's still stupid non the less.

If there's a sequel I'm sure Hunchy will be there. Also Dr Dahm, even if Tyra elaborates on hunchy's backstory, our guesses would be better than her canon (which would probably be true if it happens).

Tyra has managed to take stupid to whole new levels. And I agree there are a few good characters worth while here.

I hope this will never get made into a movie because I think it will either cause the apocalypse, the end of the world or will cause some bizare warp in reality that will fuck up all reality for awhile and when that settles, we will be living in a new weirder reality.

I HATE THIS BOOK!
gekkolexicon
Also, I forgot to mention, the only way to stop the universe from exploding from a movie of this book if all the famous bad directors, producers and actors all come together to make this thing. I'm sure the universe will not implode because two negatives will a positive, or a weaker negative. It will also be an asylum movie.
gekkolexicon
Modelland: The Movie Starring Nicholas Cage as Tookie Eddie Murphy as 12 other characters at the same time and Tyra Banks as anyone who's pretty

Directed by Uwe Boll
Jergling
I can foresee a Modelland movie. Tyra Banks would play the main character, of course (of course). The Bella Donna will be totally CGI-animated. In an ironic (?) twist, hardly any money will be spent on costuming, and everything would look fake and tacky- the sets, with their lavish budgets, would be overshadowed by the horrendous costumes. It would be directed by M. Night Shyamalan.
Evergreen215
Maybe Hunchy gets into that secret city in the mountain. Gets him some therapy. I'm willing to bet that's the only place in this universe therapists exist.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Sweet lord, these past few chapters were as confusing as The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo—but the key difference is that Modelland has none of Dragon's actual awesomeness. There are too many plot-holes, and the reveals are too sudden.

Not even commenting on the fact that the reveals in this chapter are used to justify the VILLAIN'S actions. A shitty life or a horrible failure =/= justification for mistreating everyone else.
Sharysa
lol good movie suggestions. I can reasonably see the second one existing. Cage and Murphy would have more dignity that that.

@ Freezair: Doubt it, they'd be learning how to run modelland and all. even if there are therapists, they'd be pretty lousy going by how good the doctor is.

@ Sharysa: I couldn't agree more. Tyra did the impossible and made a piece of shit worse. A shitty life wouldn't turn you into a villain unless you somehow become warped. normally, you'd either turn cynacal, depressed, or try to turn it around. And normally you either have a life long regret from that horrrible faillure or try to make up for it.
gekkolexicon
Chapter 46: Instant Tyrant, Just Add Guillotine
Start out laughing at the predictability and then slowly break down into sobbing. It's what I do every time I get more info about this book.
DrDahm
-hugs Lady Momus and Dr Dahm-

And yeah, the time transition screws all of this over even further. Unless Gunnero's power is to send news fast. But yeah. this just hits wallbanger territory and shows how possibly mental Tyra is.
gekkolexicon
...what

This 'Forgetta-Girl' thing where Tookie doesn't get noticed reminds me of The Schwa Was Here, a YA novel by Neal Shusterman. I actually thought that was a good book, though.

At least this chapter wasn't completely horrendous. And by that I mean it only had a few plot holes, and there were only a couple things that made absolutely no sense even in context.
Evergreen215
lol damn I can't deal with this anymore. Two chapters left, and I think I've hit my threshold for stupidity.

(I say that, but I'm hooked at this point. It's like a giant train wreck and I can't look away.)
142.151.161.58
I just realised that Tyra was on drugs when she wrote this. it's the only possible explanation.
gekkolexicon
And I've officially stopped caring about Ci~L. Thank you, Tyra, for giving me Stupidity Induced Apathy.
Sharysa
Well, the inspiration for this story makes sense now. Tyra said those same words ("Kiss my fat ass") when that magazine snapped a "fat" photo of her in a bikini a few years back. That can't be a coincidence.
206.248.32.246
Chapter 47: More "Romance"
Tookie's real name is no improvement.
SKJAM
I'm assuming the "romance" in your entry header is in reference to the chapter title's Gratuitous Spanish, a Romance language, because there's certainly nothing going on in any other sense of the word. Although I do agree, her reaction to the kiss is one of the few believable things we've seen in Ms Banks's opus.
psycher7
@SKJAM: "Tookalatta" isn't her real name. It's a name she made up to mirror Bravo using a different name when he shared his backstory.

@psycher7: I actually didn't think of Romance languages when I made the title. I just couldn't bear to put the word "romance" in my title without sarcastic quotation marks.
LadyMomus
-Sigh- I don't know if I'm running out of things to say about this book. But how many ways can you mock and criticise this book. This book is hopeless and Tyra is a hopeless writer. It's within our best interest and hers to give up this endeavour.

now for my opinion of this chapter: This is awkward. We know that the romantic subplot was horribly set up. Something like this would be expectable, mostly inevitable. This entire scene is dorky and awkward in the worst possibly way.
gekkolexicon
There are.... things I don't hate about this.

I know, I know. But I find the idea of apologizing to someone through having your friends spell out a message on their bodies/shirts to be kind of cute. Similarly, the realistically awkward reaction to the tongue. The dumping of the button.

But otherwise, seriously, Bravo. What do you see in this gal?
FreezairForALimitedTime
Epilogue: Why Can't the Narrator Just Die Already?
Atrocious. The way Tyra just dropped Hunchy... When I first read this book, I was on my toes, waiting for him to re-appear. This chapter? Nope. This chapter? Nope. Epilogue? Nope. Tyra, stop writing. Or at least get a ghost writer, anything to save Lady Momus (and us) from having to go through this again.
71.202.88.54
It's funny how Tookie's letter rants about the "moral" of the story—how beauty isn't everything—*immediately* after Tookie puts on the SMIZE so that she can feel beautiful. Not to mention the fact that the whole universe of the story as well as almost every female character is concerned only with beauty and that characters who don't try to meet the standards of beauty are described as physically repulsive.

Tyra's inability to acknowledge what is portrayed in her own story is on par with Stephenie Meyer. Modelland shares many of the horrible plot and thematic elements of Twilight: a protagonist who thinks little of her and is incredibly disrespectful to everyone around her, yet is loved by everyone and everyone who dislikes her is viewed as evil; the idea that obsessive infatuation makes a person your possession; conflicts that are resolved with little if any work on the main character's part with most if not all credit going to them; "flaws" that only serve to conveniently advance the plot when needed and never affect the story otherwise; inconsistent powers that are only used when it makes the plot go easily; and characters who are far more sympathetic and interesting being outright ignored or reviled simply because of their stance towards the protagonists.

With that in mind, it doesn't surprise me at all that the most favourable reviews online for Modelland come from people who preach about how great it is but are incapable of explaining *why* it's great, insinuate that people who dislike it don't know what they're talking about, and make it clear that they understand less about the story than the haters.
76.69.20.119
I wish she would at least mention Hunchy. It would make a better cliffhanger then "My teleportal sense is tingling!" There had better be some kind of backstory for him in the sequel or I will be pissed. Well, more pissed.
DrDahm
Seriously, Hunchy became my favorite character despite the fact he had so little characterization. I guess the fact that he had a simple motivation that could mean the death of one or more of the main characters and possibly an amazing liberation of the "deformed" servants of Modelland was just awesome. Far more exciting than a group of characters I never worried about because It was clear the author would never put her pwecious, broken angels in danger, let alone explore hard-hitting issues (seriously, Tookie's "I understand your bulimia because I look gawky" moment made me want to chuck the book across the room. Then I remembered it was my Kindle....)

Ah, the acknowledgements! Have fun with those. I don't see how you can't laugh, it's got some of the most bizarre writing in there.
147.253.200.11
I comepletely lost my points of what I was gonna post. But, I'll put something down. The message to the readers is stupid beyond belief. It's pointless and holds no water. also, tonite? WTF! who spells like that? Also the ending is horrible, there are plot threads that could be a potential plot for a sequel. The adventure continues thing only works when you finnish fixing the plot threads! Also, shouldn't they be holding the 7seven tournament since she's the new belladonna now?

damn there's so much shit in this.

Also I agree with you guys. Tyra shouldn't have done that Hunchy, he was interesting, he had a motive and he's mysterious.

@76.69: good comparison. both are equally stupid. I have a new category for both of them: fanfic shitfest catastrophe.
gekkolexicon
"To start with, there are already several series that involve young boys transforming with magical powers and skirts/wands/sparkles/etc."

Well it worked in Earthbound! :p
Zersk
That... is not the quote I wanted!

"I'm not even sure how you would send memories, pain or strength to a real person, let alone a fictional character."

Well it worked in Earthbound. :B
Zersk
Acknowledgements
You know, I have no problems with writing who you know, but you should probably change more than one letter of their name if you're going to include them in your book.

I will say, though, that this does make me feel a little bad for ragging on Tyra. Her intentions were good, and she had a story she really wanted to tell. I can relate, bigtime. But still... But still. When the end product is so... so Modelland...
FreezairForALimitedTime
I'm kind of sad you didn't mention her first acknowledgement went out to the Hudson River. Not her family, not a significant other, not a business partner, not even her PET, but the freakin' Hudson. I could only sit and stare at the line for awhile, trying to imagine what kind of impact a river must have had on her for it to get top billing.

I do agree that Tyra's intentions are admirable and she has her heart in all the right places when it comes to young girls' self-esteem issues. She's also smarter than she seems, and her quirkiness is rather charming—in her shows. In her writing, however, her messages get confused and her quirkiness makes everything look dumb. I agree, Momus, an outline would have really helped Tyra organize the story. Maybe we'd still have Hunchy if she'd planned better.
147.253.100.117
When I first heard of this book, I assumed that Tyra was trying to tell girls that beauty isn't all that matters, that every person can be beautiful in their own way. I didn't think it would be any good, but I didn't expect the hypocritical drivel that the book turned out to be. Even at the end of the book, Tookie is still concerned about feeling "beautiful", even though she has the forced letter to the reader which contradicts Tookie's actions and attitude throughout the entire story. The worst example is Abigail, who is portrayed as being repulsive because of all of her hair, yet as soon as she conforms to the norms of appearance, she's suddenly stunningly beautiful. The book's moral seems to be that all that matters in life is that other people find you beautiful.

I don't think Tyra's quite in touch with reality based on this book and the acknowledgement section. It's if she thinks she's larger than life, that just because she's famous means that everything she does is great. If Tyra really thinks that what's inside Modelland is about "empowering girls", I have to wonder if she believes a word of her impromptu preaching to the reader.

I do have to wonder one thing about Tyra after reading this book... what exactly does she have against actresses?
76.69.21.53
I agree, what's her sctick with acting? I think she has good intentions, but she's obviously screwed up in the head.
gekkolexicon
Final Thoughts: A Somewhat Rambling Finale

Well done, Lady Momus. Well done indeed. Not only is this summary thoughtful and insightful, it also serves as a nice bit of closure to what has been a funny, thought-provoking, and massively entertaining liveblog. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't miss more updates on this demented little world Tyra crafted.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Thank you, kind lady. I have very much enjoyed your snarking. At some point I will also have to take a crack at this book, since it seems to fit just between So Bad It'sGood and Bile Fascination.
psycher7
-Follows along with the clapping- I agree It was a very good blog. this is a good closure and an awesome analysis. I have to agree with you perfectly on this final analysis and the fact that you did a chapter by chapter walkthrough makes it clearer.

-squishiehugs Lady Momus-

I'll see you on your next blog.
gekkolexicon
Well, we can always wait for the sequel...

(Wait, do I really want more Modelland to see the light of day? O_O)
76.69.17.137
"I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't miss more updates on this demented little world Tyra crafted."

Well, it IS supposed to be a trilogy. :P

If I'm still blogging when they come out, I'll cover the sequels.
LadyMomus
Nice job reviewing this Lady Momus, I know I wouldn't have been able to stand this. I kind of want to write a fanfic of this but from the Pilgrim's POV instead. Give backstory to Hunchy, Harriet, and Myrracle for kicks. The part for Hunchy would be Modelland Gaiden: Spicy Lizard Edition.
DrDahm
Jackie Chan Adventures? I am so sold.

Thanks for this incredibly hilarious liveblog though, I'm both surprised and impressed that you've seen it through to the end.
142.151.161.58
Let's start a building round of applause! I'll go first.

Jergling
will anyone continue?
gekkolexicon
Clap Clap freakin' clap.
DrDahm
Thanks, but applause isn't necessary. I'm just glad people enjoyed my liveblog. :)
LadyMomus
Lady Momus, you need a good, thrilling, evocative, mind-expanding fantasy novel to wash the taste of this bilge out of your mouth. I recommend the following: Thunderer, by Felix Gillman The House of the Stag, by Kage Baker Servant of the Underworld, by Aliette de Bodard Snake Agent, by Liz Williams

Gante
I never commented before, but I read your reviews every day over lunch. I'm going to miss them. Please do the sequels when they come out!

spaceinvader42359
^ I'm glad you enjoyed the liveblog. :)

Modelland took five years for Tyra to write, and it came out last year. Hopefully the next one won't take that long. I'd rather not wait until 2016 to do a sporking of book 2.
LadyMomus

But sweet gods. If there's going to be a second book, I'm going to watch TV Tropes instead.
Sharysa
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