For a satirical site, ''Website/TheOnion'' posts a ''lot'' of depressing articles.
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/news/daddy_put_in_bye_bye_box Daddy Put In Bye-Bye Box]]". [[SincerityMode Don't click that. Really.]]
* Pretty much ''every'' article that was written in the aftermath of 9/11 counts, but some of the best examples would be:
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule,222/ God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule]]", in particular the closing paragraph:
-->"Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept."
** [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/not-knowing-what-else-to-do-woman-bakes-americanfl,221/ "Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake,"]] also written in response to 9/11. It reflects the reactions of a lot of people that day very accurately.
-->"I baked a cake," said Pearson, shrugging her shoulders and forcing a smile as she unveiled the dessert in the Overstreet household later that evening. "I made it into a flag."
-->Pearson and the Overstreets stared at the cake in silence for nearly a minute, until Cassie hugged Pearson.
-->"It's beautiful," Cassie said. "The cake is beautiful."
* Combined with YouHaveOutlivedYourUsefulness: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-mommy-a-lot-prettier,1512/ New Mommy A Lot Prettier]]"
* For animal lovers: [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/last-of-2008-christmas-puppies-euthanized-marking,19764/ Last of 2008 Christmas Puppies Euthanized, Marking Start of Spring]]
** [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/fire-consumes-big-happy-farm-where-families-send-s,20641/ And if you've ever encountered]] ReleasedToElsewhere...
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-commemorates-911-by-toasting-stable-afghan-gove,21332/ US Commemorates 9/11 By Toasting Stable Afghan Government]]. If only that was real...
** Kelly's cartoon that day was surprisingly poignant too. He usually employs some measure of YouCanPanicNow, but this one was just his AuthorAvatar with a SingleTear asking [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/september-12-2011,21333/ "When is it okay to laugh again"?]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/blissful-ignorance-commemorated-on-annual-910-anni,29513/ "Blissful Ignorance Commemorated on Annual 9/10 Anniversary."]] Holy ''shit.''
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-finds-hearing-loved-ones-voice-induces-excru,27035/ "Study Finds Hearing Loved One's Voice Induces Excruciating Pain In Coma Patients."]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/son-its-time-we-have-a-talk-about-where-babies-go,11450/ "Son, It's Time We Have A Talk About Where Babies Go."]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/best-part-of-gay-12yearolds-day-half-hour-spent-ea,27547/ "Best Part Of Gay 12-Year-Old’s Day Half Hour Spent Eating Lunch Alone On Staircase."]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/nra-sets-1000-killed-in-school-shooting-as-amount,28352/ "NRA Sets 1,000 Killed In School Shooting As Amount It Would Take For Them To Reconsider Much Of Anything."]]
** This one hurts even more after the Sandy Hook school shooting in Connecticut.
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/you-will-die-someday-and-it-will-be-sad-all-man-th,28812/ "'You Will Die Someday And It Will Be Sad,' All Man Thinking During Dinner With Parents"]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/18yearold-fighting-in-afghanistan-has-911-explaine,29518/ "18-Year-Old Fighting In Afghanistan Has 9/11 Explained To Him By Older Soldier"]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/fuck-everything-nation-reports,30743/ "Fuck Everything, Nation Reports"]] A response to the December 2012 Connecticut school shooting. A rare occasion when ClusterFBomb can be used emotionally. You can tell that whoever wrote it, wasn't in a funny mood.
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/all-of-area-mans-hard-work-finally-pays-off-for-em,26957/ "All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer"]]. ''Hoo'' boy...
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/ask-an-auctioneer-revealing-he-was-molested-as-a-c,29601/ "Ask An Auctioneer Revealing He Was Molested as a Child."]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/afghanistan-war-veteran-solemnly-recalls-seeing-en,30914/ "Afghanistan War Veteran Solemnly Recalls Seeing Entire Platoon Murdered By Undiagnosed Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder."]] It takes a minute to hit you.
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/holy-shit-i-just-realized-people-want-to-kill-my-d,28891/ "Holy Shit, I Just Realized People Want To Kill My Dad."]] Written from the perspective of Sasha Obama, who has, more likely than not, realized this already.
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/this-what-world-like-now,32068/ This What World Like Now]]", written after the bombings in Boston.
** Followed up by "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/jesus-this-week,32105/ Jesus, This Week]]".
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/i-dont-know-who-i-am-anymore-little-buddy-says-mot,33037/ ‘I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore, Little Buddy!’ Says Mother In Midst Of Nervous Breakdown]]"
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/child-who-just-lost-balloon-begins-lifelong-battle,31519/ Child Who Just Lost Balloon Begins Lifelong Battle With Depression]]"
-->"No, the balloon," said Tremont, who as an adult will work with his physician and several psychiatrists to find a suitable combination of anxiolytic and psychotropic medicines to quell the disease’s debilitating symptoms, ultimately turning into an over-medicated and unresponsive husk. "It's flying away."
-->"Come back," added the toddler who will never feel entirely happy or normal again.
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/children-of-all-ages-delighted-by-enslavement-of-t,17534/ Children Of All Ages Delighted By Enslavement Of Topsy The Elephant]]"
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/awkward-new-international-student-saw-his-entire-f,33589/ Awkward New International Student Saw His Entire Family Murdered In The Congo]]" straddles a line between this and just plain horrifying.
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/if-you-think-you-can-talk-to-your-mother-like-that,33063/ If You Think You Can Talk To Your Mother Like That, Then You’ve Paid Attention To The Way I’ve Subtly Degraded Her For Years]]"
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/bullied-eighthgrader-incorrectly-thought-classmate,34030/ Bullied Eighth-Grader Incorrectly Thought Classmates Would Leave Him Alone During Field Trip To 9/11 Memorial]]" The ending, however, is a CrowningMomentOfAwesome.
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30112 Ugly Girl Killed]]"
* Also from the post 9-11 issues: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/arabamerican-thirdgrader-returns-from-recess-cryin,3297/ Arab-American Third Grader Returns from Recess Crying, Saying He Didn't Kill Anyone."]]
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/as-much-as-i-hated-putting-my-dog-to-sleep-i-know,11522/ As Much As I Hated Putting My Dog to Sleep...]]"
* In the wake of Nelson Mandela's death. [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/nelson-mandela-becomes-first-politician-to-be-miss,34755/ "Nelson Mandela Becomes First Politician To Be Missed"]]
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/generous-military-sends-800-in-disability-to-man-w,34748/ Generous Military Sends $800 In Disability To Man Who Wakes Up Screaming Every Night]]."
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/kid-with-rough-home-life-gives-mickey-extra-long-h,34788/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=LinkPreview:1:Default "Kid With Rough Home Life Gives Mickey Extra Long Hug"]]
* The [[http://theonion.tumblr.com/post/69806820030/today-in-print front page]] of The Onion's final print issue.
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/97yearold-dies-unaware-of-being-violin-prodigy,18194/ 97 Year Old Dies Unaware Of Being Violin Prodigy]]. The idea of being so uncommonly gifted and never finding out is incredibly depressing.
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-growing-a-little-tired-of-rushing-home-to,32069/ Area Man Growing A Little Tired of Rushing Home to Hug Loved Ones]]
--> At press time, Sifton was telling his children something like this would never happen again, a practice he has mastered over the past six months.
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/every-family-members-birthday-now-marred-by-some-t,32070/ Every Family Member's Birthday Now Marred by Some Tragedy]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/flag-in-front-of-post-office-can-hardly-remember-a,32089/ Flag In Front Of Post Office Can Hardly Remember A Time It Wasn't Flying Half-Staff]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/12yearolds-christmas-list-demonstrates-heartbreaki,37583/ 12 Year-old's Christmas List Demonstrates Heartbreaking Awareness Of Family’s Financial Predicament.]] This is sad for people who've gone through tough times before, and parents who who've felt guilty they couldn't provide somethings for their kids.
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/kidnapped-boy-found-safe-imagines-kidnapped-boy,2597/ Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy]]. Honestly, this one's not even funny. It's just sad.
* [[http://www.theonion.com/article/total-weirdo-spends-mothers-day-cemetery-50381 Total Weirdo Spends Mother's Day At Cemetery]]