For a satirical site, ''Website/TheOnion'' posts a ''lot'' of depressing articles.
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/news/daddy_put_in_bye_bye_box Daddy Put In Bye-Bye Box]]". [[SincerityMode Don't click that. Really.]]
* Pretty much ''every'' article that was written in the aftermath of 9/11 counts, but some of the best examples would be:
** "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule,222/ God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule]]", in particular the closing paragraph:
-->"Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept."
** [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/not-knowing-what-else-to-do-woman-bakes-americanfl,221/ "Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake,"]] also written in response to 9/11. It reflects the reactions of a lot of people that day very accurately.
-->"I baked a cake," said Pearson, shrugging her shoulders and forcing a smile as she unveiled the dessert in the Overstreet household later that evening. "I made it into a flag."
-->Pearson and the Overstreets stared at the cake in silence for nearly a minute, until Cassie hugged Pearson.
-->"It's beautiful," Cassie said. "The cake is beautiful."
* Combined with YouHaveOutlivedYourUsefulness: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-mommy-a-lot-prettier,1512/ New Mommy A Lot Prettier]]"
* [[http://www.theonion.com/article/elderly-woman-begins-freezing-meals-husband-can-ea-37581 "Elderly Woman Begins Freezing Meals Her Husband Can Eat While She's Passed Away".]]
* For animal lovers: [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/last-of-2008-christmas-puppies-euthanized-marking,19764/ Last of 2008 Christmas Puppies Euthanized, Marking Start of Spring]]
** [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/fire-consumes-big-happy-farm-where-families-send-s,20641/ And if you've ever encountered]] ReleasedToElsewhere...
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-commemorates-911-by-toasting-stable-afghan-gove,21332/ US Commemorates 9/11 By Toasting Stable Afghan Government]]. If only that was real...
** Kelly's cartoon that day was surprisingly poignant too. He usually employs some measure of YouCanPanicNow, but this one was just his AuthorAvatar with a SingleTear asking [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/september-12-2011,21333/ "When is it okay to laugh again"?]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/blissful-ignorance-commemorated-on-annual-910-anni,29513/ "Blissful Ignorance Commemorated on Annual 9/10 Anniversary."]] Holy ''shit.''
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-finds-hearing-loved-ones-voice-induces-excru,27035/ "Study Finds Hearing Loved One's Voice Induces Excruciating Pain In Coma Patients."]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/son-its-time-we-have-a-talk-about-where-babies-go,11450/ "Son, It's Time We Have A Talk About Where Babies Go."]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/best-part-of-gay-12yearolds-day-half-hour-spent-ea,27547/ "Best Part Of Gay 12-Year-Old’s Day Half Hour Spent Eating Lunch Alone On Staircase."]]
** Even more sad when you watch the video accompanying the article, which ends on the kid sitting alone humming a little tune as he eats his lunch.
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/nra-sets-1000-killed-in-school-shooting-as-amount,28352/ "NRA Sets 1,000 Killed In School Shooting As Amount It Would Take For Them To Reconsider Much Of Anything."]]
** This one hurts even more after the Sandy Hook school shooting in Connecticut.
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/you-will-die-someday-and-it-will-be-sad-all-man-th,28812/ "'You Will Die Someday And It Will Be Sad,' All Man Thinking During Dinner With Parents"]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/18yearold-fighting-in-afghanistan-has-911-explaine,29518/ "18-Year-Old Fighting In Afghanistan Has 9/11 Explained To Him By Older Soldier"]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/fuck-everything-nation-reports,30743/ "Fuck Everything, Nation Reports"]] A response to the December 2012 Connecticut school shooting. A rare occasion when ClusterFBomb can be used emotionally. You can tell that whoever wrote it, wasn't in a funny mood.
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/all-of-area-mans-hard-work-finally-pays-off-for-em,26957/ "All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer"]]. ''Hoo'' boy...
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/ask-an-auctioneer-revealing-he-was-molested-as-a-c,29601/ "Ask An Auctioneer Revealing He Was Molested as a Child."]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/afghanistan-war-veteran-solemnly-recalls-seeing-en,30914/ "Afghanistan War Veteran Solemnly Recalls Seeing Entire Platoon Murdered By Undiagnosed Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder."]] It takes a minute to hit you.
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/holy-shit-i-just-realized-people-want-to-kill-my-d,28891/ "Holy Shit, I Just Realized People Want To Kill My Dad."]] Written from the perspective of Sasha Obama, who has, more likely than not, realized this already.
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/this-what-world-like-now,32068/ This What World Like Now]]", written after the bombings in Boston.
** Followed up by "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/jesus-this-week,32105/ Jesus, This Week]]".
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/i-dont-know-who-i-am-anymore-little-buddy-says-mot,33037/ ‘I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore, Little Buddy!’ Says Mother In Midst Of Nervous Breakdown]]"
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/child-who-just-lost-balloon-begins-lifelong-battle,31519/ Child Who Just Lost Balloon Begins Lifelong Battle With Depression]]"
-->"No, the balloon," said Tremont, who as an adult will work with his physician and several psychiatrists to find a suitable combination of anxiolytic and psychotropic medicines to quell the disease’s debilitating symptoms, ultimately turning into an over-medicated and unresponsive husk. "It's flying away."
-->"Come back," added the toddler who will never feel entirely happy or normal again.
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/children-of-all-ages-delighted-by-enslavement-of-t,17534/ Children Of All Ages Delighted By Enslavement Of Topsy The Elephant]]"
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/awkward-new-international-student-saw-his-entire-f,33589/ Awkward New International Student Saw His Entire Family Murdered In The Congo]]" straddles a line between this and just plain horrifying.
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/if-you-think-you-can-talk-to-your-mother-like-that,33063/ If You Think You Can Talk To Your Mother Like That, Then You’ve Paid Attention To The Way I’ve Subtly Degraded Her For Years]]"
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/bullied-eighthgrader-incorrectly-thought-classmate,34030/ Bullied Eighth-Grader Incorrectly Thought Classmates Would Leave Him Alone During Field Trip To 9/11 Memorial]]" The ending, however, is a CrowningMomentOfAwesome.
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30112 Ugly Girl Killed]]"
* Also from the post 9-11 issues: "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/arabamerican-thirdgrader-returns-from-recess-cryin,3297/ Arab-American Third Grader Returns from Recess Crying, Saying He Didn't Kill Anyone."]]
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/as-much-as-i-hated-putting-my-dog-to-sleep-i-know,11522/ As Much As I Hated Putting My Dog to Sleep...]]"
* In the wake of Nelson Mandela's death. [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/nelson-mandela-becomes-first-politician-to-be-miss,34755/ "Nelson Mandela Becomes First Politician To Be Missed"]]
* "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/generous-military-sends-800-in-disability-to-man-w,34748/ Generous Military Sends $800 In Disability To Man Who Wakes Up Screaming Every Night]]."
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/kid-with-rough-home-life-gives-mickey-extra-long-h,34788/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=LinkPreview:1:Default "Kid With Rough Home Life Gives Mickey Extra Long Hug"]]
* The [[http://theonion.tumblr.com/post/69806820030/today-in-print front page]] of The Onion's final print issue.
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/97yearold-dies-unaware-of-being-violin-prodigy,18194/ 97 Year Old Dies Unaware Of Being Violin Prodigy]]. The idea of being so uncommonly gifted and never finding out is incredibly depressing.
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-growing-a-little-tired-of-rushing-home-to,32069/ Area Man Growing A Little Tired of Rushing Home to Hug Loved Ones]]
--> At press time, Sifton was telling his children something like this would never happen again, a practice he has mastered over the past six months.
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/every-family-members-birthday-now-marred-by-some-t,32070/ Every Family Member's Birthday Now Marred by Some Tragedy]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/flag-in-front-of-post-office-can-hardly-remember-a,32089/ Flag In Front Of Post Office Can Hardly Remember A Time It Wasn't Flying Half-Staff]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/12yearolds-christmas-list-demonstrates-heartbreaki,37583/ 12 Year-old's Christmas List Demonstrates Heartbreaking Awareness Of Family’s Financial Predicament.]] This is sad for people who've gone through tough times before, and parents who who've felt guilty they couldn't provide somethings for their kids.
* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/kidnapped-boy-found-safe-imagines-kidnapped-boy,2597/ Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy]]. Honestly, this one's not even funny. It's just sad.
* [[http://www.theonion.com/article/total-weirdo-spends-mothers-day-cemetery-50381 Total Weirdo Spends Mother's Day At Cemetery]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/article/kids-love-when-mom-sad-enough-just-order-pizza-50515 Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/article/black-man-bids-tearful-goodbye-family-daily-commut-50964 Black Man Bids Tearful Goodbye To Family Before Daily Commute]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/article/bully-cant-believe-classmate-took-4-straight-years-38394 Bully Can't Believe Classmate Took 4 Straight Years of Being Told to Kill Herself to Heart]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/article/hummingbird-back-at-feeder-again-grandmother-repor-2516 Hummingbird Back at Feeder Again, Grandmother Reports]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/article/suicide-letter-full-of-simpsons-references-1717 Suicide letter full of Simpsons references]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/video/onion-reviews-batman-v-superman-dawn-justice-52621 The Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice review]] where the reviewer compares watching two iconic heroes fighting to watching his parents marriage collapse.
* [[http://www.theonion.com/article/childbirth-to-be-area-womans-least-painful-interac-1943 Childbirth To Be Area Woman's Least Painful Interaction With Daughter]]
* [[http://www.theonion.com/article/middle-eastern-man-not-sure-how-many-days-worth-ai-55457 Middle Eastern Man Not Sure How Many Days’ Worth Of Airport Detention Clothes To Pack]], published in light of the [[UsefulNotes/DonaldTrump Trump]] administration's anti-immigration executive orders.
* [[http://www.theonion.com/video/brain-dead-teen-only-capable-of-rolling-eyes-and-t-27225 Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized]]. It is very sad to see a beautiful girl who loved to play outside get killed because she went brain-dead from using her phone too much.
* [[http://www.theonion.com/article/nation-begs-disaffected-youth-gravitating-toward-n-56696 Nation Begs Disaffected Youth Gravitating Toward Neo-Nazism To Get High And Play Xbox Instead]]. It's still a funny article, though it just breams with desperation of loved ones not wanting youth to turn to evil to just do anything else, even things they would normally look down at you on, that your eyes just start stinging.