->''"EMMETT CAN YOU KEEP IT DOWN I AM READING PROUST!!!!"''

Once upon a time, the obsession known as ''[[Literature/TheTwilightSaga Twilight]]'' was (and still is) a great source of {{parody}} around the Internet. Mid-2008, two LJ-ers by the names of saint_renegade and oxymoronassoc went on a RP-ing session that greatly exaggerated the characters of ''Twilight'', especially Edward and Emmett Cullen.

Icons and approval abounded, and in total five RP-ing sessions were posted, one official batch of icons, and [[FountainOfMemes many, many, many quotes]].

Can be read [[https://web.archive.org/web/20170721091133/https://balcarin.livejournal.com/462027.html here]].
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!!Tropes:
* AllMenArePerverts[=/=]AllWomenArePrudes: Edward assumes that the kinkier aspects of Emmett and Rosalie's relationship are all Emmett's idea, since Rosalie is "TOO PURE FOR SUCH THINGS."
* AwesomeMcCoolName: "WE ARE NAMING OUR KID EMMETTALIE IF WE EVER GET ONE...BOY OR GIRL, THAT'S IT'S NAME. IT'LL KICK THIS KID'S ASS. THE MIDDLE NAME IS GOING TO BE BASEBALL, THOUGH."
* TheAtoner: Edward becomes this whenever he breaks stuff.
* AutoErotica: Edward is horrified to learn that Emmett and Rosalie have had sex in his car.
* CampStraight: Edward is overemotional and campy as hell, but retains his canonical interest in Bella.
* [[CantHoldHisLiquor Can't Hold Her Liquor]]: Bella, apparently. This is almost certainly just Edward overreacting again.
* {{Canon}}: In ''Literature/MidnightSun2020'', it is revealed that the Cullens really do have family meetings. And Edward says himself in ''Breaking Dawn'' that he had a lot of time to pick up hobbies, since he wasn't involved with anyone.
* CharacterExaggeration: Half--no, ''all''--of the fun.
** AlternateCharacterInterpretation
* ChivalrousPervert: Emmett when he thinks Edward is raping Bella. "THERE ARE RULES."
* ComedicSociopathy: Edward's tendencies toward stalking...and emotional abuse...and being pissy...
* CreepyChild: Renesmee. Emmett especially is creeped out by her power ("THAT KID IS CREEPY. I DON'T WANT TO SEE A PLAY BY PLAY OF HER DROOLING ON JACOB WHEN I AM TRYING TO WATCH THE GAME.") and the WifeHusbandry.
-->''DUDE YOUR KID IS LIKE 8 MONTHS OLD AND MAKING GOO-GOO EYES AT THE DOG. I DON'T LIKE IT.''
* DigitalPiracyIsEvil: "THESE PEOPLE HAVE TO FEED THEIR FAMILIES YOU KNOW"
* DirtyMindReading: "YOUR MIND CONFUSES ME EMMETT, PLEASE GO BACK TO THINKING ABOUT FOOTBALL...NO! NO EMMETT I SAID FOOTBALL, MY GOODNESS. NO I DO NOT WONDER WHAT [BELLA] LOOKS LIKE NAKED"
* EmoTeen: Edward, to a ludicrous extent.
-->''he's EMOTIONAL, OK\\
JUST BECAUSE HE HAS FEELINGS''
* FamilyUnfriendlyViolence: How Edward sees Emmett's video-game habits.
-->''MUST YOU PISTOL WHIP EVERYONE, EMMETT?''
* FreudianExcuse: "THESE YOUNG WOMEN HAVE OBVIOUSLY HAD A HARD LIFE SO THEY HAD TO SELL THEIR BODIES ON THE STREETS."
* HomemadeSweaterFromHell: Edward knits to "to keep from strangling emmett".
-->''he'd like mutter to himself about being 'content with yourself' and shit while knitting\\
BE TRUE TO YOURSELF''
* IAmAMonster: Word for word when Edward breaks Emmett's stereo and LET HIS CONTROL SLIP. And again when he uses the word "[[PrecisionFStrike dick]]."
* IkeaErotica: "IT SEEMS PRETTY SIMPLE TO ME, EDWARD" "INSERT TAB A INTO SLOT B"
* IntercourseWithYou: "NO EMMETT I DO NOT THINK THAT SONG IS ABOUT COPULATION."
* TheInternetIsForPorn: This too offends Edward.
* IvyLeagueForEveryone: At least according to Edward.
-->''WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT WANT AN IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION\\
EVERYONE WANTS AN IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION''
* JerkJock: Emmett.
* MurderSimulators: When Emmett changes the music in the Volvo of Justice from Music/{{Nickelback}} to Music/FiftyCent, Edward uses this argument.
* MyGirlIsNotASlut: "NO I DO NOT THINK SHE HAS HAD CARNAL RELATIONS WITH MIKE."
* MyGodWhatHaveIDone: Word for word after he breaks the stereo when Emmett swaps his Music/DeathCabForCutie [=CDs=] with Music/{{KISS}}.
-->''OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE\\
I WILL REPLACE IT\\
I WILL ATONE FOR THIS SIN\\
GOD IS TESTING ME''
* NeatFreak: Did you know Edward will scrub the grout on the bathroom with a toothbrush?
-->''THIS IS GROSS, HOW DO WE LIVE LIKE THIS?''
* NoIndoorVoice: All of Edward's lines ARE IN CAPITALS. Emmett's too.
** Most of the time. Sometimes the lines will revert to normal writing, which just makes it funnier when they go back to screaming at each other.
* NoPeriodsPeriod: Averted. Alice advises Bella on what to do for Edward's sake. And, y'know, ''[[StalkerWithACrush Edward tracks Bella's periods]]''.
* PrettyFlyForAWhiteGuy: Emmett.
* PunctuatedForEmphasis: "JASPER I KNOW YOU ARE LAUGHING. I CAN READ. YOUR. MIND."
** And later: "[Bella] could DIE. AT. ANY. MOMENT. PEOPLE"
* TheQuietOne: Jasper never says anything, though he's just as antagonistic toward Edward as Emmett is.
* RecursiveFanfiction: The fans [[https://jasperlurksinthecorner.wordpress.com/2008/10/01/growing-up-cullen-v2/ Socks and Pants]] wrote an unofficial continuation of the series, copying its distinct style.
-->'''P:''' He goes hunting in his leotard\\
IT BREATHES EMMETT\\
IT IS ALSO COMPLETELY WASHABLE\\
'''S:''' THE FRESH AIR FEELS NICE ON MY SKIN
* RightThroughTheWall: Rosalie is loud just to fuck with Edward's ships-in-a-bottle.
* SensitiveGuyAndManlyMan: Edward and Emmett, obviously.
* SeriousBusiness: Everything is this with Edward. Scrapbooking. Cleaning. Knitting. Everything.
* SexySantaDress: Emmett tries to get Rosalie to wear one.
* ShotgunWedding: "YES, IF JACOB KNOCKED RENESSME UP I WOULD MAKE THEM MARRY POSTHASTE. IT WOULD ONLY BE PROPER."
* SophisticatedAsHell: Given Edward tends to speak primarily in archaic patterns, some of the more casual words stand out a little.
* TheStraightMan: Jasper is this to Emmett.
* TheTalk: Edward discovers much too late that he should have asked Jasper or Carlisle instead of Emmett for advice.
-->''IT DID NOT GO WHERE YOU TOLD ME''
* StalkerWithACrush: Edward, though that is {{canon}}.
* TeamPet: Emmett refers to Jacob as a dog or pet.
* WhatHappenedToTheMouse: In one of the roleplays, Edward "rescues" (read: basically kidnaps) a woman who starred in one of Emmett's porn vids (and the horse she was, um, [[BestialityIsDepraved having fun with]]) and brings them to the Cullen house. Neither the woman nor the horse appear again after that.
* YouNeedToGetLaid: Edward ''really'' needs to get laid. (Unfortunately, judging by the parts set after ''Breaking Dawn'', it didn't help much.)
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