Episode - 9F13\\
First Aired - 2/11/1993

It's Valentine's Day at Springfield Elementary, and in Ms. Hoover's classroom, all the second-graders are getting tons of cards from each other...everyone, that is, except Ralph Wiggum, who's left empty-handed. Lisa, taking pity on him, gives Ralph one of her Valentines, a card with a train on it saying "I 'Choo-Choo-Choose' You!". Overcome with joy, Ralph gets a crush on Lisa. Meanwhile, Krusty the Clown is holding a 29th Anniversary Show, and Bart and Lisa would do anything to get tickets for it.

Noticing Ralph's feelings, Lisa asks her parents for advice on how to let him down gently. When she tells him she's simply not ready for a relationship, Ralph asks ''his'' dad, Chief Wiggum how to get her to like him, to which he tells him to just be persistent. In his attempts to get Lisa to like him, Ralph not only gets the part of George Washington alongside Lisa'a Martha Washington in the school President's Day pageant (with a little help from his dad and the rest of Springfield's police force), but Ralph also gives Lisa a ticket to Krusty's anniversary special. Reluctantly, Lisa goes along with Ralph to the show. While there, Krusty interviews the audience. When he gets to Ralph, he teasingly asks if Lisa's his girlfriend. Ralph proclaims his love for Lisa, only for Lisa to scream at him that she doesn't like him and only gave him a Valentine out of pity. Ralph is crushed by this, and Bart – playing back said exchange, which had aired on live TV – reminds Lisa of what she did.

Lisa feels terrible about what she said to Ralph and finally understands that she humiliated him in front of a large TV audience. She realizes that, while Ralph – due to his awkward social skills and him being himself – most likely didn't know any better that what he said was out of place, she knew better than to confront him live and on the air especially like that ... and now she has to apologize any way she can. Meanwhile, Ralph cries about the situation, and his father (a little slow on the uptick himself) finally realizes that his son was embarrassed on TV, and he tries to take it out on Homer with a phony traffic stop.

Nevertheless, the President's Day pageant still has to go on, and Lisa and Ralph still have to act alongside each other. As Ralph tells Lisa to go away when she tries to apologize, the prelude to the one-act Washington biography involves typical grade-school fare: a tribute to the "Mediocre Presidents of the U.S.A." and an evening at Ford's Theater with Millhouse as Abraham Lincoln (and recognizing a Bart-as-a-Schwartzenegger-type-John Wilkes Booth).

Filled with bitterness and heartbreak, Ralph delivers an amazing performance as George Washington. The performance is so incredible that Groundskeeper Willie is moved to tears and the bullies are inspired to study up on American history. After the show [[CrowningMomentOfHeartwarming Lisa apologizes to Ralph with a new card: "Let's 'Bee' Friends"]]; this time, Ralph accepts Lisa's apology.

!!This episode contains examples of:
* TheAhnold: Bart, playing a {{Terminator}}-esque John Wilkes Booth. Who then tries to go after UsefulNotes/ChesterAArthur before Mrs. Hoover restrains him.
* AngryBlackMan: Sideshow Raheem
* BigNo: Lisa, right after Ralph confesses his love for her at the Krusty anniversary show.
** Also, Skinner yelling, "JOHNNY!" after having a 'Nam flashback.
* {{Bowdlerization}}: In-universe -- Flanders' love song to Maude is a cleaned-up version of Rod Stewart's ''If You Think I'm Sexy''.
* BrickJoke and BookEnds: The episode begins and ends with Bill and Marty from KBBL accidentally playing ''Monster Mash'' on both Valentine's Day and President's Day.
* ClassicallyTrainedExtra: Rex, the thespian second-grader, is outraged when Ralph is picked as George Washington. He ends up in a bit part as Washington's servant.
* DontExplainTheJoke: "It says 'Choo-Choo-Choose you', and there's a picture of a train!"
* DudeNotFunny: The writers actually got complaints about the part where Principal Skinner has a Vietnam flashback of seeing his best friend shot in Da Nang in 1969 while writing a love letter to his girlfriend back home.
* HiddenDepths: Ralph is revealed to be a very good actor.
* JugglingLoadedGuns: Chief Wiggum using his gun to crack a nut open
* NoodleIncident: Zigzagged. We see the flashback of how Chief Wiggum got tickets from Krusty the Clown (Krusty was at a porno theater, Chief Wiggum walks in to enjoy it as well, and Krusty thinks he's under arrest, even though he's not indecently exposed, with a prostitute, or with anyone under 18 [[note]]this was a reference to what happened to Paul "Pee-Wee Herman" Reubens back in the early 1990s[[/note]]) before Lisa cuts off with, "That story isn't suitable for children." However, Chief Wiggum implies that the version he told was where he kept his pants on. We don't see the version where he doesn't keep his pants on, nor do we get any further info as to why he would have his pants off in the first place.
* OneSceneWonder: Sideshow Raheem, despite not really doing anything.
* [[TheDitz [=Ralph Wiggum=]]]: This is the first episode to really showcase Ralph being himself (though, as mentioned above, he shows HiddenDepths of being a very good dramatic actor and he wasn't as dumb as he would be in the later episodes. In the early episodes, Ralph was just a little dim and socially awkward).
* ShoutOut:
** ''[[TheTonightShow The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson]]'': Krusty shows clips of "classic" episodes, including an incarnation of the show suggesting that he once hosted a ''Tonight Show'' knockoff. The clip shown – a urine monkey relieving itself on Krusty's head, while a Joan Embry-type zoologist is a guest – is Springfield's version of a classic incident involving Carson and Embry's marmoset.
* SideEffectsInclude: Bart's Krusty collection includes the Krusty Home Pregnancy Test, which "May Cause Birth Defects!"
* SpecialGuest: Michael Carrington (a writer for ''TheSimpsons'' and ''Martin'' and host of the Nickelodeon game show ''Think Fast'') as Sideshow Raheem
* YouDontWantToKnow: Variation, in regards to Bart's plan to make sure Lisa doesn't have to go to the Krusty show with Ralph:
-->'''Bart:''' I'll go, disguised as you.
-->'''Lisa:''' What if he wants to hold hands?
-->'''Bart:''' I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
-->'''Lisa:''' What if he wants a kiss?
-->'''Bart:''' I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
-->'''Lisa:''' What if he—
-->'''Bart:''' [[GettingCrapPastTheRadar You don't want to know how far I'll go]].
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