[[quoteright:350:https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/the_assassin_0.jpg]]
[[caption-width-right:350: A perfect dinner party is the least of this poor lady's problems.[[note]]You might know this one better as "The One Where the Keeper Meets the Reaper".[[/note]]]]

->''(The Crypt Keeper is seen sharing drinks with [[Film/BillAndTedsBogusJourney the Grim Reaper]], listening with faux politeness to the Reaper's stories)''
->'''Grim Reaper''': So, then I was over in India you know, and I whipped up this little monsoon. Man, I must have reaped hundreds that day. ''Hundreds'', just like that.\\
'''Crypt Keeper''': Really?\\
'''Grim Reaper''': Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Of course, I normally prefer to take souls one at a time, one at a time, but, you know, I had taken some vacation days and it was the end of the month, and so, you know how it goes. Oh! By the way, did I mention that I was in Europe? There was an Elvis sighting there, so I figured I'd check it out. But it was just a fat guy in a sequin suit. I took him anyway.\\
'''Crypt Keeper''': ''(thinking to himself)'' ''Is this guy boring or what? All he ever talks about is himself! I gotta remember that the next time he comes to town and wants to get together.'' ''(to the Reaper)'' Oh really? That's very interesting.\\
'''Grim Reaper''': Yes, I thought so, too. But enough about me. I want to tell you why I am here.\\
'''Crypt Keeper:''' ''(thinking)'' ''I know why you're here. To eat my food and drink my liquor!'' ''(to the Reaper)'' More champagne?\\
'''Grim Reaper''': Why, sure. Thanks. ''(The Crypt Keeper pours him a glass)'' Who are you saving the good stuff for? You know, you and I have been friends for a long time, and much as I enjoy this little visit, it seems to me that this tomb is not quite big enough for the both of us.\\
'''Crypt Keeper''': What's ''that'' supposed to mean?\\
'''Grim Reaper''': I want to propose a contest between you and me. Winner take all.\\
'''Crypt Keeper''': And the loser? ''(the Reaper smirks menacingly)'' You're on, pal! ''(he and the Reaper set down their glasses)'' 1...\\
'''Grim Reaper''': 2... ''(they draw; the Keeper draws scissors while the Reaper draws rock)''\\
'''Grim Reaper''': My rock beats your scissors! ''(chuckles)''\\
'''Crypt Keeper''': Damn!\\
'''Grim Reaper''': Give me your hand. ''(the Keeper does so, as the Reaper raises a meat cleaver)''\\
'''Crypt Keeper''': ''(to the camera)'' Well, kiddies, looks like your pal the Crypt Keeper is in the ''fright'' of his life...death. Which is kind of like the woman in tonight's terror tale. It's a nasty little ''chopping'' spree I call-\\
'''Grim Reaper:''' ''(the Reaper chops the Keeper's hand off with the cleaver) Chop!''\\
'''Crypt Keeper:''' ''(groans)'' '''The Assassin.''' ''(to the Reaper; smugly)'' That didn't hurt one bit.\\
'''Grim Reaper''': Second round?\\
'''Crypt Keeper''': Go for it!

Janet [=McKay=] is a happy housewife who knows every square detail of her home and her social life, mapping out everything from dinner dates to housework minutiae. Her husband Jeremy is always amazed by her meticulous attention to detail, her perfectly cooked meals, and how she always keeps the house in pristine condition. One day, after Jeremy leaves for work, Janet's well-planned schedule is disrupted when a trio of covert agents arrive at her doorstep. According to their leader, Simone, the agents have been assigned to track down Janet's husband Jeremy, who they believe is actually Ronald Wald. Simone explains that Ronald is supposedly a former CIA assassin who found out that his superiors had marked him for death and subsequently went AWOL, and the agents now have no choice by to kill him. As they explain to Janet, they must also kill her as well, to silence any witnesses as to Ronald's whereabouts. Unfortunately for the agents, Janet is none too pleased with these accusations against her husband, her guests' lack of manners, and the fact that she's meant to be killed, prompting her to show them that she's more than a simple housewife.

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!!Tropes:
* TheAce: Janet/Ronald is a master of nearly everything they're tasked with. As Janet, they keep the house in astonishingly good condition, cook astoundingly scrumptious meals, and are almost supernaturally punctual with their schedule. Back when they were Ronald, they were a cold-blooded killer who took many a life, and when they're found out, use the "helpless housewife" persona to get the drop on those sent to kill them.
* AcidPool: William intends to use an acid-filled bathtub to get rid of Janet's corpse. She kills him before he gets very far.
* AffablyEvil: When he's tasked with killing her, Todd takes the time to tell Janet that he has nothing against her personally, even engaging in conversation on their way to the basement and complimenting the décor of the house.
* AmbiguousGender: The episode never establishes if Janet/Ronald is truly transgender, or if transitioning was simply the ultimate disguise for her/him (it certainly fools her would-be killers, including one who was once her lover). She also has no problem slipping into a masculine voice to mock Simone. Either way, s/he seems perfectly content living female.
* AntiHero: Ronald was once a cold-blooded government assassin who went AWOL when his bosses marked him for death, and he transitioned to Janet to conceal his former identity, then managed to kill the people sent to kill them and live in obscurity forever.
* AssholeVictim: The CIA agents, due to how giddy, sleazy, and willing they were to murder a supposedly innocent civilian.
* AsYouKnow: Todd tells Janet everything behind why the agents are looking for her husband and why they have to kill her, partly to get the audience up to speed, and partly to showcase how he's dumber than his partners.
* BluffTheImpostor: When she finds Simone sitting in the kitchen, claiming to be a cop, Janet says she has friends in the department, specifically naming a Captain Landau. Simone claims to have spoken with him about this intrusion, but Janet reveals that Captain Landau doesn't actually exist. William even mocks Simone for botching her cover so quickly.
* {{Bookends}}: The story begins and ends with Jeremey telling Janet that she's "some kind of woman", and her giving the same response:
-->'''Janet:''' Well, of course I am, silly! ''(in Ronald's voice)'' ''What else would I be?''
* BrokenHeel: While escaping the basement, Janet rushes out to open fire on Simone, but her heel breaks just before she pulls the trigger. During the ensuring fall, she wings Simone and the gun accidentally falls in an open paint can.
* BumblingHenchmenDuo: Todd and William, who are far more comedic than Simone.
* CardCarryingVillain: Even though they do what they do primarily for the good of the country, Simone, William, and Todd make no attempt to hide how villainous they are.
* CIAEvilFBIGood: The CIA is shown to be extremely willing to murder people who have outlived their purpose to them, as well as any and all witnesses to their whereabouts. The FBI doesn't appear in the episode, so the trope is only played partially.
* ColdHam: Simone can get as hammy as her partners when confronting Janet, but she's more stoic and collected than the obnoxious and goofy Todd and William.
* CombatStilettos: William gets one of Janet's heels in his eye, which kills him.
* DeadlyEuphemism: The agents load their dialogue with this as they tell Janet that they're out to kill Ronald (and by extension, her) because he found out he was marked for death and quit the CIA.
-->'''Todd:''' In our line of work, you don't just quit.
-->'''William:''' The Company "retires" you... when ''they're'' ready. Not before.
* DepravedBisexual: An interesting version. Ronald Wald was a coldblooded assassin who had a violent, kinky relationship with Simone. In spite of this, she had zero issues with transitioning to female and enjoying an energetic sex life with a male husband. Although technically both relationships would be considered heterosexual.
* {{Determinator}}: The framing segments show that the Grim Reaper refuses to quit, even after being reduced to just a head.
* DontFearTheReaper: The Crypt Keeper just sees The Grim Reaper as an annoying houseguest who talks nonstop about his job instead of the un-living spirit of death.
* EarnYourHappyEnding: In a sort of twisted sense. Ronald/Janet kills the people who were sent to kill them, disposes of their bodies in a rather hearty way, and keeps their past life secret from Jeremy and their friends, who continue to praise them for being a wonderful person.
* EatTheEvidence: Ronald/Janet disposes of Simone, Todd, and William's bodies by cooking them, chopping them up, and serving them as the meal for the dinner party. Anything that still looked human after they went in the oven gets thrown into the garbage disposal.
* ElvisLives: The Grim Reaper tells the Crypt Keeper that he was recently in Europe to check out claims of an Elvis sighting. It was just an ElvisImpersonator, but the Reaper took him anyway.
* EvilIsHammy: Todd and William revel in the ham as they prepare to kill Janet and dispose of her body, whereas Simone remains largely stoic and professional in the matter. Simone even lampshades how goofy they are in comparison by wondering why she got stuck with them as her cleanup crew.
* EvilStatesOfAmerica: The CIA, and possibly other government organizations, are highly sinister in nature, seeing as how they kill people who outlive their usefulness and all the witnesses they're connected with.
* EvilWearsBlack: Todd and William wear black to establish their status as blatantly villainous CIA operatives.
* EyeScream: William's death comes from being stabbed in the eye with one of Janet's heels.
* {{Foreshadowing}}:
** Simone asks whether Janet, who was thought to be dead, went out sniveling or took it like a man.
** Then, literally moments before TheReveal:
--->'''Simone:''' WhoAreYou\\
'''Janet:''' ImYourWorstNightmare: [[LiteralMetaphor a woman with]] ''[[LiteralMetaphor balls]]''.
** After striking Janet for insulting her, Simone observes that her resulting DeathGlare is quite similar to Ronald's.
** The photographs contained in Simone's dossier on Ronald look suspiciously familiar as well.
* TheFourthWallWillNotProtectYou: The very end of the episode has Janet/Ronald offering some of their "food" to the camera, seemingly aware that they're still being watched and subtly warning the audience that they'll come after them.
* GoodIsNotNice: The agents, as well as the CIA as a whole, are tasked with doing what's best for the country, but that includes unceremoniously killing people who they no longer have use for and silencing every witness they find.
* GuestHost: This is one of only a handful of episodes that features a guest host. In this case, the framing segments have William Sadler reprising his role as the Grim Reaper from ''Film/BillAndTedsBogusJourney''. The Reaper even challenges the Crypt Keeper to a contest to settle who controls the Crypt, and gets a "special appearance" credit in the episode's opening credits.
* HappilyMarried: Ronald/Janet escaped being killed by going undercover as a suburban housewife. Despite this, they truly love Jeremey with all their heart.
* HomeAloneAntics: Janet takes out Todd and William in this way, such as breaking the former's neck with a moving treadmill.
* HoneyTrap: Janet seduces Todd, who is tasked with killing her, into having sex on a treadmill in the basement, which she uses to break his neck via his tie.
* {{Housewife}}: Janet is the typical happy housewife, but once the agents barge in, she's also revealed to have had a former life as a highly trained government assassin.
* InnerMonologue: PlayedForLaughs during the opening segment between the Crypt Keeper and the Grim Reaper. The Keeper is being very cordial on the outside, but on the inside, he's complaining about his guest's manners the entire time.
-->'''Crypt Keeper:''' (''thinking to himself while the Reaper is rambling on about various "clients" he had'') ''Is this guy boring or what? All he ever talks about is [[ItsAllAboutMe himself]]! I gotta remember that next time he comes to town and wants to get together.'' (''speaking politely'') Oh, really? That's very interesting.\\
'''Grim Reaper:''' Yes, I thought so, too. But, enough about me. I want to tell you why I am here.\\
'''Crypt Keeper:''' (''thinking'') ''I know why you're here. To eat my food and drink my liquor.'' (''speaking'') More champagne?
* {{Irony}}: Simone reflects on how Ronald could be rather violent and kinky in bed, even biting to the point where it drew blood. After revealing her true identity, Janet/Ronald comments on how Simone should've had something nice to say about the new bridgework.
** The end of the episode shows Jeremey seductively inviting Janet to "play spy" after the dinner party, having clearly missed everything in the episode while he was at work. Janet even invites him to bite her, just as she did with Simone in her past life, even accidentally calling herself "Ronnie".
* ISurrenderSuckers: Janet is revealed near the end to have been Ronald in disguise, and was merely playing being a clueless housewife to get the drop on the agents.
* IWarnedYou: Janet telling the agents that they're targeting the wrong man.
* KarmaHoudini: Ronald/Janet ends the episode victorious, even though they've killed several dozen people in the past, committed desertion against a major government agency and ''fed their latest victims to their unsuspecting husband and friends.''
* LampshadeHanging: Simone's claim to be a cop goes south for an obvious reason.
-->'''Simone:''' Why would you lie to me [[BluffTheImpostor like that]]?\\
'''Janet:''' Because you're ''dumb''. No policeman in his right mind would break into someone's home.
* LaughablyEvil: Todd and William, Simone's partners, spend the episode being goofy and really hard to take seriously.
* LeaveNoWitnesses: The agents intend to murder Janet for this reason.
* LighterAndSofter: This episode goes for a slightly more comedic route, focusing on a housewife who works to eliminate three gleefully evil government agents through HomeAloneAntics.
* MotorMouth: The agents slip into this trope as they explain everything to Janet, with Todd being the fastest speaker of the trio.
* MuggingTheMonster: Janet, the seemingly helpless wife, is actually Ronald Wald, an extremely competent and dangerous assassin.
* NeckSnap: Todd is killed when Janet shoves his tie into the basement treadmill, breaking his neck.
* NothingPersonal: Todd informs Janet that he and his operatives have nothing against her when they're forced to silence her, but they have to follow the rules of the Company, including their "no witnesses-policy".
* ObfuscatingStupidity: Janet plays having no clue what the agents want with her or her husband. We later learn that this was a front to trick the agents into letting their guard down.
* OhCrap: Simone, after TheReveal.
* OffscreenMomentOfAwesome: During the episode itself, The Crypt Keeper managed to beat the Grim Reaper enough times to reduce him to just a head.
* OutWithABang: Simone claims that she disemboweled a man while she was having sex with him.
* POVCam: A few scenes are shown from Janet's perspective, such as when she's knocked out and coming to, and again when Simone begins shaking her furiously.
* PreMortemOneLiner: Janet/Ronald, once their identity has been revealed, kills Simone with a pretty impressive one:
-->'''Ronald:''' Goodbye, Gwen. I'd love to reminisce a little longer, but as I said before, I have a dinner party at 7:00.
* ProperlyParanoid:
** Ronald quit the CIA out of fear that his bosses were setting him up. Todd confirms that this was indeed the case.
** Simone can't quite put her finger on it, but she says something about Janet makes her very nervous.
* RaceAgainstTheClock: Played for laughs. After disposing of the agents, Janet sees that it's 5:00, which means that she only has two hours to prepare for the dinner party. Acknowledging how much of a challenge this is gonna be, she remarks that Simone and her friends [[EatTheEvidence will have to help out]]. As an added laugh, she says all of these lines in Ronald's voice.
* TheReveal / RedHerring: Janet's husband Jeremy isn't Ronald Wald, like Simone, Todd, and William assumed. ''Janet herself'' is.
* RewatchBonus: The whole episode, from the moment that Janet finds Simone sitting in her kitchen and gets a stunned look on her face. Her later interactions with Simone and taking out the other agents count as well.
* RockPaperScissors: The "epic" contest between the Crypt Keeper and the Grim Reaper to see which of them takes over the Crypt. The Crypt Keeper loses the first round (and his hand, as a result), but he completely turns it around in the end.
* SexSignalsDeath: Todd attempts to do the nasty with Janet before she's killed, but he doesn't get far before he gets his neck broken by the treadmill.
* ShoutOut: Todd quips [[Radio/TheBurnsAndAllenShow "Say goodnight, Gracie!"]] just before he shocks Janet unconscious.
* SinisterSurveillance: The first shot of the episode is footage from a surveillance van parked outside the [=McKay=] residence.
* SkewedPriorities: When Janet comes to after being tasered, a drink is put in front of her, right on the table. She makes an effort to clean up the condensation and tells the agents to use coasters, much to their disbelief.
* SomethingOnlyTheyWouldSay: Simone realizes Janet is actually Ronald when she calls her "Gwen", which is what she told Ronald her name was back when they dated.
* StupidEvil: The agents are as bumbling as they are villainous, but Todd is the dumbest of the trio, blatantly spilling every detail as to why they need to kill Janet and her husband right to Janet's face.
* TheThingThatWouldNotLeave: The Crypt Keeper's view of the Grim Reaper, bemoaning how the guy goes on long-winded stories about himself and eating all the food and drink in the place. Amazingly, the Keeper makes an effort to be polite about all this before the Reaper's contest is declared.
* UngratefulBastard: The entirety of the CIA, who thank their employees by killing them and everyone they know when they no longer have a use for them.
* UnwittingInstigatorOfDoom: Todd tells Janet that the agents were able to track down Ronald's location due to an unseen dentist. Ronald is said to have had such unusual bridgework that the dentist sought out help from colleagues online, which got picked up by "a spook at the Company."
* VocalDissonance: Janet/Ronald does this to reveal their true identity. After they kill Simone, Janet, still in Ronald's voice, sees that they only have two hours to prepare for the dinner party and suggests that the agents "will just have to help". She does it once more just before the cut to black, as if warning the audience that she'll kill anyone else who blows her cover.
* WhamLine:
-->'''Simone:''' Tell you the truth, it's gonna be really good to see [Ronald]. It's been such a long time.\\
'''Janet:''' Not long enough... (''suddenly speaking [[VocalDissonance in a man's voice]]'') ''Gwen''.
* WhoAreYou: Simone asks this after Janet proves to be way more of a handful than she and her partners expected.
* YouHaveOutlivedYourUsefulness: The agents offhandedly tell Janet that the CIA routinely murders its employees when they no longer have use for them, which is the reason why Ronald went AWOL.
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->''(the Crypt Keeper and the Grim Reaper are still playing their game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.)''\\
'''Crypt Keeper''': 1...2...3! ''(he draws paper while the Reaper draws rock)''\\
'''Grim Reaper''': Damn!\\
'''Crypt Keeper''': ''(grabs the meat cleaver and speaks to the viewers)'' That Janet! She must be a ''hell'' of a cook. I don't know about you, kiddies, but I found Simone pretty hard to ''swallow''. ''(snickers)'' Personally, I wouldn't have made them into a stew. I think ''creeps'' suzette would have been much more appropriate. ''(snickers again, to the Reaper)'' Ready? ''(chops off the Reaper's hand, then puts the cleaver down)'' Well, looks like I won.\\
'''Grim Reaper''': Hey, what are you talking about? I am still here. Let's play again. Come on! Double or nothing.\\
'''Crypt Keeper''': ''(sees that the Reaper has been reduced to his head)'' Take my advice, pal: quit while you're ''a head''. ''(cackles victoriously)''