[[quoteright:350:https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/oils_well.jpg]]
[[caption-width-right:350:I bet [[Series/TheBeverlyHillbillies Mr. Drysdale]] never had to resort to this.]]

->'''''Pinball/TalesFromTheCrypt''''' '''Pinball Machine:''' Tonight's tale concerns a man with 3 balls! What do you know? Par for the ''corpse!''
->'''Crypt Keeper:''' ''(playing the machine)'' 10 ''kill''-ion points! Is this fun or what? ''(turns to the camera)'' Oh, hello kiddies. Don't mind me if I'm ''carrion'' on, but I've really ''groan'' to love this game. I could ''goo'' all night! ''(snickers)'' Which brings to mind tonight's terror tale. It's about a couple of game players who are about to find out what happens when you don't ''slay'' by the rules. I call it: '''Oil's Well That Ends Well.'''

Carl ([[Creator/LouDiamondPhillips Lou Diamond Phillips]]) (under the pseudonym "Jerry") and his man-hating girlfriend Gina (Priscilla Presley) are a pair of con artists who claim to be the best when it comes to swindling. They've freshly pulled off a scam for $20,000 that involves Gina's husband Larry (John Kassir) faking his death, after which Carl kills him anyway after he berates Gina one time too many. Gina and Carl's next caper has them trying to swindle a quartet of chauvinistic southern investors led by William into thinking there's an oil well buried under an isolated cemetery. The investors easily take the bait, and the couple ends up with another 20k. Gina's unending greed is not satisfied with this meager amount, and when the investors reveal they can buy the entire cemetery and its surrounding land for a reasonable price, Gina pulls out her life savings, $82,000, and risks it all in the name of an even bigger profit. It isn't long before the costs for digging the oil keep on growing, leading everyone to begin backstabbing everyone else for the cash. Just who will be the winner of this little free-for-all?

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!!Tropes:
* AccidentalTruth: Gina and Carl's claims of an oil well being hidden underneath a cemetery is revealed to be the truth.
* ActorAllusion: John Kassir, the voice of the Crypt Keeper, plays Gina's husband Larry, even letting out the Crypt Keeper's signature chuckle near the end. The Crypt Keeper himself even takes notice of the guy during his closing segment, praising him for being a great actor and swearing that he's heard his voice before.
* ArtisticLicenseChemistry: Gina ends up killing herself and everyone else in the cemetery by tossing her cigarette butt into a puddle of crude oil and causing a massive explosion. Crude oil ''is'' flammable, but not enough to instantly ignite an explosion.
* BaitAndSwitch: The episode opens on the sounds of moaning as Gina and Carl sweet talk one another, leading the viewer to think that they're having sex in the graveyard. It's revealed that Carl's actually digging a grave as Gina watches.
* BerserkButton: For Gina, it's the word "bitch". Any use of the word, especially if it's used to insult her, gets her on the warpath.
* BigBad: While every character in the episode is inherently villainous, William, the leader of the investors, carries the most power in the town.
* BoomTown: The setting of the episode is paraded as one of these when an oil well is rumored to be buried underneath a cemetery. The ending shows that this was an accidental truth.
* BreakingTheFourthWall: The Crypt Keeper's framing segments, where he plays the series' official pinball machine in the intro, and watches the episode itself in the outro.
* ButHeSoundsHandsome: The Crypt Keeper shows this attitude towards Larry, played by John Kassir, the guy who provides his voice.
* ChekhovsGunman: Jo Osbourne, the bar waitress, is hinted to been having sex with Carl when the investors found him.
* CreatorCameo: This is the only episode to feature an onscreen appearance of John Kassir, the voice of the Crypt Keeper.
* DefiantToTheEnd: Carl's response to Gina threatening to inject him with acid unless he spills where he's hidden the oil money is a flippant "Kiss my ass." and a crack about how much of a good lay Jo is.
* DenserAndWackier: The entire episode is filled with blatantly evil characters who communicate largely by yelling or otherwise making a scene, and then proceed to make one idiotic decision after another, crapping on their opposite gender in the process, in a ploy to gain oil allegedly buried under a cemetery. Not to mention the Crypt Keeper's fourth-wall breaking framing segments.
* DidntSeeThatComing: Gina genuinely never suspected that Carl and Larry were working with the investors they were looking to swindle to steal her life savings out from under her.
* DigYourOwnGrave: This occurs twice in the episode. At first, it happens to Larry, who was helping Carl and Gina score $20 grand and is killed for his attitude. Gina is then duped into this later in the episode, although she goes out on her own terms via an explosion.
* DoesNotLikeMen: Gina has a huge chip on her shoulder regarding men, as if her relationships with all men in her life have irreversibly soured.
* EqualOpportunityEvil: The episode's characters crap on the opposite of their respective gender, so the episode appears to treat men ''and'' women as equally vile.
* EverybodyDiesEnding: The end of the episode has Gina, consumed by rage, blowing up the graveyard and everyone inside it after being screwed out of her life savings.
* EvilIsHammy: Every character in the episode is appropriately evil and hammy. Larry is understandably the hammiest, given who he normally voices...
* FakingTheDead: Larry, Gina's husband, helped her and Carl score $20,000 by faking his death, and he bursts out of his coffin when he's had enough of Carl and Gina's goo-goo talk. Carl puts a bullet in him for real when he doesn't stop ridiculing and threatening Gina.
** Carl later fakes his death via an acid injection as part of his and Gina's plan, only for him replace his supposed body with Carty to get the drop on Gina in the ending.
* FatalFlaw: Gina's greed, which Carl calls her out on, as it consumes her and allows her to foolishly give up her life savings.
* FatSweatySouthernerInAWhiteSuit: All of the investors Gina looks to swindle are these, though only half of them are actually fat.
* FlatCharacter: Every single character in the episode is a one-dimensional stereotype, being greedy, misogynistic, chauvinistic, or just plain evil.
* {{Foreshadowing}}: Gina reveals to Carl that she's going to be putting the 20k Larry helped them snag into her mutual fund, with the rest of her life savings.
** Carl also make a crack to Carty that he'll meet the investors where they want him to meet, before the whole thing "blows up in their faces".
* GambitPileup: Gina, Carl, and the investors keep setting up more and more gambits in the hopes of gaining the money for the oil under the cemetery, with plenty of backstabbing to go around.
* GenderBlenderName: Jo Osbourne, the waitress who tends the bar where the investors hang out, and who Carl cheats on Gina with. Gina initially confuses her for a man when she hears Carl was in her house.
* {{Greed}}: Gina's the kind of woman who isn't satisfied by 20k for an oil well, and that greed has her losing her life savings trying to escalate the profits.
* GoldDigger: Gina, who isn't afraid to kill, sleep with, or screw over whoever she has to as long as she gets rich.
* GroinAttack: Gina throws Carty to the floor by his crotch when he calls her a lesbian upon refusing his advances.
* HateSink: ''Every. Single. Flipping. Character'' in this episode is an utterly irredeemable jackass who shouts at the top of their voice and craps on either men or women.
* HeManWomanHater: The investors, along with Larry and Carl, view women primarily as sex objects and think lowly of those who try to be independent.
* HollywoodAcid: Carl is injected with a syringe of highly corrosive acid by Gina, who carries it in her briefcase and lies that people in the oil industry use it to test samples.
* HollywoodBlanks: Carl's gun is revealed to be loaded with blanks, which allowed Larry to fake his death.
* HostageSituation: Carl is alleged by Mr. Petermeyer to have broken into William's house, took him to the bank, and forced him at gunpoint to withdraw all the oil profits.
* IdiotBall: Gina grabs it when she's offered a chance to buy some property from the same people she scammed, ''the very next day'' after she scammed them.
* IgnoredExpert: Carl grows wise to the investors' scheme and calls Gina out for falling for their scam, noting that they should've skipped town with the money they had and telling her how foolish she is for putting her life savings on the line.
* JerkassHasAPoint: One of the investors notes that while crude oil isn't pretty looking, it does drive people crazy with greed. This is exactly what happens to Gina after her and Carl's visit to the cemetery.
* LargeHam: Larry stands out as the biggest ham in the episode, which is really saying something. It's not that much of a shocker, though, considering his actor voices you-know-who.
** Carty is a close second in the ham department, with his over-the-top attitude regarding Gina, especially his "What's happening, baby?!" greeting as he bursts out of the coffin.
* LaymansTerms: As part of their plan, Carl and Gina, disguised as employees of an oil company, explain to the investors how a seepage hole works when they come across a fake one they had made in the cemetery. Gina manages to simplify the explanation by comparing the process to farting in a bathtub.
* LikeFatherLikeSon: Two of the investors, Mr. Petermeyer and Carty, are a father and his son, respectively, and Petermeyer taught his son to share his opinion of women.
* MotorMouth: Gina is prone to ranting at incredible speeds when she gets riled up.
* NoHonorAmongThieves: Gina, Carl, and the investors keep betraying each other to get all the oil profits for themselves.
* NotAfraidToDie: Gina has this attitude in the end, throwing her cigarette in the oil despite knowing the explosion will kill her as well.
* NotQuiteDead: Larry, as shown in the ending.
* OneDoseFitsAll: Gina and the investors inject Carl with a highly corrosive acid to kill him when he refuses to tell them where he's hidden the oil money. The stuff is so deadly that one syringe of it is all it takes.
* OverlyLongName: Larry's name for the makeshift organization composed of himself, Carl, and the rest of the male characters, listed below.
* PreMortemOneLiner: Gina gets the last laugh on the men, and she does so with a particularly badass line:
-->'''Gina:''' ''(to the men)'' Remember one thing, gentlemen: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And today? Today's been a real '''bitch!''' ''(drops her cigarette into the oil)''
* ProductPlacement: The Crypt Keeper is seen playing the series' pinball table in the intro segment.
* RealAfterAll: It's revealed at the end that there really ''is'' an oil well under the cemetery. An enraged Gina puts the stuff to good use.
* RecursiveCanon: The episode's framing segments. The Crypt Keeper plays the series' official pinball machine in the intro, and watches the episode itself in the outro.
* RevengeBeforeReason: Gina ends the episode cheated out of her life savings after being on the losing end of a GambitPileup relating to her investment in a fake oil well. It was revealed that the ground that she and the others are standing on actually does have an oil well underneath it, with Carl noting that they could all split the proceeds and become rich. By this point, however, Gina' too pissed off to care anymore, and she [[TakingYouWithMe throws a lit cigarette onto the oil, igniting an explosion and killing them all]].
* StockPhrases: Gina throws "It takes money to make money." and "You're out of your league." to Carl as a way of firing back when he throws clichés around.
* StrawFeminist: Gina, being as manipulative and evil as she is, brags about how she hates men and views them all as worthless slobbering pigs, aside from Carl.
* StrawMisogynist: At the same time, Carl, Larry, and the investors are all lecherous chauvinists who rant about how women are submissive sex objects in their eyes, and actively work to swindle Gina out of her life savings. Larry even reveals that they all belong to what he calls "The He-Man, Big-Mouth, Fat Wrinkly Ass, Feminist Haters Club".
* TakingYouWithMe: Gina tosses her cigarette into the puddle of oil that forms in the cemetery, killing herself and everyone else in the resulting fireball.
* ToiletHumor: William, the leader of the investors, is an old man who pisses into a medical bag he wears on his person.
** Gina helps explain to the investors what a seepage hole is by comparing it to farting in a bathtub.
* TooDumbToLive: Carty is easily the dumbest character in the episode. When Carl, disguised as an oil digger, gives a complex explanation of how a seepage hole works, he has to wave his hand in front of Carty's face when he gets a blank stare for a response. Gina spills it to him better by comparing it to farting in a bathtub.
* ViewersAreGoldfish: The Crypt Keeper's outro has him watching the final seconds of the episode himself, right after the audience watched it the first time.
* VillainInAWhiteSuit: The investors Gina hopes to swindle each have a white suit in their opening scene.
* WorldOfHam / WorldOfJerkass: Every single character in the episode is outrageously over the top, and they're all evilly idiotic assholes who crap on people of their opposite gender.
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->'''Gina:''' ''(on the Crypt Keeper's TV)'' Today's been a real '''bitch!''' ''(tosses her cigarette in the oil)''
->'''Carl:''' Oh, SHI-! ''(the cemetery explodes)''
->'''Crypt Keeper:''' ''(pauses his VHS tape of the episode, turns to the viewers)'' Looks like business is really ''booming'' for Carl and Gina. Talk about ''flame'' and fortune! ''(cackles; he begins rewinding the episode)'' You know, kiddies, there's something about this little tale that interests me. ''(plays footage of Larry)''
->'''Larry:''' Well, I'll be damned.
->'''Crypt Keeper:''' ''(pausing the episode again)'' I think it's this ''hack''-tor! Hmmmm, yes. The others are good, but '''this''' one... we're talking a real ''bleeding'' man type! He's a regular ''Gory'' Cooper! A Robert ''Dead''-ford! And that ''voice!'' I could swear it reminds me of '''''someone I know... ''''' ''(cackles)''