!! What's Cookin'

[[quoteright:350:https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/mv5bzwjjyzg1yzitnjvini00zty5ltk0zdqtnwy2ngnhzjbjmjlmxkeyxkfqcgdeqxvyodi0ndgwnja_v1.jpg]]
[[caption-width-right:350:If he wasn't the Man of Steel before, he is now.]]

->'''Crypt Keeper:''' (''wearing a suit and twisting a corkscrew into something offscreen; a man is heard groaning in pain throughout the scene'') Next time I book a table for 8:00, Wolfgang, I expect to be seated at 8:00! (''rips out an eye with the corkscrew'') Yes, a good ''whine''. Not a great whine, but locally ''groan'', that's for sure. (''he cackles and puts the eye into a glass; the camera zooms out to reveal Wolfgang, a chef, gagged and chained to the table'') A pleasant enough ''boo''-quet. Almost reminds me of a good ''scream'' sherry! (''snickers'') I hope you brought your appetites, kiddies, because tonight's tasteless tidbit is something I'm sure you'll savor. It's a real epi-''gore''-ian delight about a nice young couple who find the restaurant business a little hard to swallow. I call this adventure in fine ''dying'': '''What's Cookin'.''' (''Wolfgang lets out another moan'')

Fred (Creator/ChristopherReeve) and his wife Erma (Bess Armstrong) are the owners of a failing restaurant with a squid-only menu. Gaston (Creator/JuddNelson), a drifter who works for the couple as janitor and busboy, suggests to Erma that she should leave Fred and live with him. Business has been terrible, and the couple is so far behind in their rent that their unforgiving landlord, Mr. Chumley (Music/MeatLoaf), stops by the restaurant to warn Fred that they'll be thrown out on the street in the morning, but not before setting Fred on the warpath by calling him a horrible chef. Gaston watches from outside as the distraught Fred slashes Chumley's hand with his knife before coming to his senses.

The next morning, Erma is surprised to find a huge pile of steak in the refrigerator behind the counter. She cooks one for Phil Farley (Creator/ArtLaFleur), an aging policeman who acts as the restaurant's sole regular customer, stopping in after a long night on the beat with news of Chumley's disappearance. When he's served, Phil raves about the taste of the steak as a crowd of hungry customers arrive, attracted by the smell of the meat sizzling on the grill. Fred is delighted at the rise in business, but grows mortified when he discovers that Gaston killed Chumley and is butchering his corpse for the meat, and is intimidated into not saying anything when Gaston threatens to tell Phil that Fred himself was responsible.

The restaurant's popularity continues to flourish, with Gaston having become the couples' business partner, taking half the profits and killing more and more people to keep up with demand. Fred keeps Erma from learning the truth, but he overcomes his own horror of eating human flesh, finding that he too enjoys the taste. When Phil brings word of some new evidence in Chumley's disappearance, Fred begins to panic as he washes the dishes. Soon after, Gaston steals a pistol from Erma's purse and follows her home to tell her that Fred has taken it, planning to kill himself from the guilt over his committing the murders, advising her to call Phil as he returns to the restaurant. Fred ambushes him, prompting the pair to fight before Erma arrives. Gaston tries to shoot her, but the pistol turns out to be empty, since Fred never lets her carry it loaded. As such, Erma called to warn Fred as soon as Gaston left, but as the pair corner Gaston and prepare to kill him, they're interrupted by Phil's arrival. Instead of stopping them, though, Phil decides to retire from police work and become their new business partner. He watches hungrily as Fred and Erma force Gaston's face onto the hot grill. Outside the restaurant, the part of the neon sign that bears Gaston's name goes out as he dies.

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!! Tropes:
* ActorAllusion: This isn't the first time a character played by Music/MeatLoaf has been [[Film/TheRockyHorrorPictureShow killed, butchered, and served as a meal.]]
* ApologeticAttacker: An enraged Fred nicks Chumley's hand with his knife. Once the shock wears off, he begins apologizing profusely.
* AwfulWeddedLife: Before the restaurant is rebuilt from the ground up, Fred and Erma don't have the happiest of matrimonies, with Erma nearly killing Fred in the opening alone, after Fred shows himself to be too stubborn accept even the slightest change on his all-squid restaurant idea. In private, Fred ''does'' notice how his life choices are affecting Erma and apologizes to her, saying that he doesn't hold it against her if she decides to divorce him. By the end, they seem to have worked it out [[BlackComedy via turning Gaston into their latest menu item.]]
* AxCrazy: Erma demonstrates that she's not quite right in the head, as she almost plants the cleaver she's using into her husband's neck in the opening scene. The episode rolls with this, as she's all too eager to grill human flesh and helps her husband do the same to Gaston's face.
* TheBadGuyWins: In a partial sense. Fred and Erma kill Gaston on their own grill, and end the episode with them victorious and wealthy as their restaurant stays in business. They never wanted to be bad guys in the first place, but there'll be no doubt that they won't keep killing and grilling people.
* BerserkButton: Trying to get Fred to change his mind on his plans riles him up, but what really gets him going, enough to plant a knife in your back, is telling him that he's a terrible chef.
* BlackAndGrayMorality: Fred is a well-meaning guy with poor business skills who finds himself in a bad situation that he can't escape. Gaston, on the other hand, is a [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking blackmailer, serial killer, and all around weasel]] who tries to kill Fred and Erma in a staged murder-suicide when the walls close in on him.
* {{Blackmail}}: Gaston is the person who killed Chumley, but he reminds Fred who exactly the police are more likely to suspect did it: the drifter who had no ties to the man, or the renter who owed him money and got into a violent argument shortly before his disappearance. Gaston also adds that Erma cooked the body, giving him more incentive to make himself Fred's business partner and split half the take with him.
-->'''Gaston:''' So, you're gonna keep your mouth shut, aren't you, ''partner?''
* CasualDangerDialogue: Right at the start of the episode, Fred is poking through a squid-only cookbook, trying to find a new dish that will turn things around for the restaurant. Erma is chopping up squid as he does this, and the moment he brings up "squid on a stick", [[RageBreakingPoint she gets fed up]] and goes to chop his head off with the cleaver... only for Fred to defuse the situation while she's in mid-swing:
-->'''Fred''': (''nonchalantly'') Honey, if you bury that thing in the back of my neck, you're just gonna wreck the blade. That's a real expensive cleaver; they don't make 'em anymore.
-->'''Erma''': (''{{Beat}}; [[JerkassHasAPoint slams the cleaver into a cutting board in defeat]] to the sound of a comedic trombone glissando'')
* ChekhovsGun: The pistol that Erma carries in her purse. She shows it to Gaston early in the episode, and he later steals it to use it against her and Fred. Unfortunately for Gaston, it's empty, since Fred never lets her load it.
* CordonBleughChef: Fred and his many, ''many'' squid recipes. He even owns a cookbook dedicated to squid-only recipes.
* CrankyLandlord: Mr. Chumley, who doesn't give two shits that Fred and Erma are destitute and makes plans to throw them on the street by tomorrow morning. To no one's shock, he's Gaston's first victim, the drifter taking the time to empty his wallet as well.
* CrustyCaretaker: Gaston, Fred and Erma's janitor/busboy, is a drifter who lives on the stoop just across from their restaurant, and that's ''before'' he kills people to serve them as lunch.
* DeathByIrony: Gaston killed Chumley and several other people to use their flesh for his "steaks". He meets that very fate in the end, by the people he was willing to screw over and kill when the heat was coming down.
* DirtyCop: Phil becomes a dirty ''semi''-cop in the end, deciding to retire from the force and become Fred and Erma's new business partner, allowing them to keep killing people to grill them up.
* EvilIsHammy: Mr. Chumley, who never once ceases his Southern-sounding snark, nor his yelling as Fred tries to tell him that he's having trouble with the rent and apologizing for nicking his hand.
* FaceHeelTurn: Fred, Erma, and Phil gradually go through one after they sample Gaston's "special recipe for barbecue", so much so that the latter allows the former two to kill Gaston to satiate his newfound cravings. As a result, their restaurant stays open for business, and more and more people will no doubt go missing in the near future.
* FatSweatySouthernerInAWhiteSuit: Mr. Chumley, the landlord who shamelessly threatens to throw Fred and Erma out if they don't pay their overdue rent by tomorrow morning.
* FollowYourNose: The scent of Erma cooking one of Gaston's "steaks" on the restaurant's grill draws customers to the restaurant minutes after the meat starts sizzling.
* FoodPorn: Gruesome as it may be, the episode does ''not'' hold back on getting good, long looks at the "steak" that the restaurant begins serving.
* {{Foreshadowing}}:
** In his first scene, Phil remarks that he's getting too old and tired for police work, but wishes that there was something else he could do with his life.
** The opening scene, where Erma nearly kills her husband via a meat cleaver to the neck, shows that she's pretty willing to kill and grill innocent people.
* FrameUp: When things start to go wrong, Gaston intends to have Fred and Erma take the blame for his killing spree, then frame their deaths by his hand as a murder-suicide to sell it to Phil.
* HateSink: Mr. Chumley, the grumpy landlord who prepares to evict Fred without an ounce of sympathy for his plight. The restaurant gets its first batch of steaks the very next day, compliments of Gaston witnessing his and Fred's argument spilling out on the street.
* HoistByHisOwnPetard: Gaston's "steaks" prove to be so addicting that Fred, Erma, and Phil are utterly hooked, so much so that Phil lets the former two kill him when he gets hungry.
* {{Homage}}: WordOfGod states that this episode is a sort of mashup with ''Series/TheHoneymooners'' and ''Theatre/SweeneyToddTheDemonBarberOfFleetStreet''.
* HopeSpot: Phil's arrival is this for Gaston, but little does the murderer know that Phil's joining the restaurant business.
* ImAHumanitarian: Everyone in town raves about the steaks at the couple's restaurant without knowing [[TheSecretOfLongPorkPies the source of the meat.]] Eventually, Fred finds that even he likes the taste, and Phil gets so hooked that he lets Fred and Erma kill Gaston, and presumably helps them keep on killing innocent bystanders, so they can keep the stuff coming. Before he met Fred and Erma, Gaston is hinted to have replayed this ruse at many different restaurants, hence why he's a drifter in the first place.
* ImpossiblyDeliciousFood: Human flesh becomes this once it's grilled up, as everyone aside from Gaston, who prepares and supplies it, can't stop eating the stuff, and ''won't'' stop finding ways to get more.
* InNameOnly: The comic story is almost completely different from the episode. The comic tells the story of a drifter who helps two failing restaurateurs improve their business, only to end up burnt to death when greed gets the better of them. His ghost comes back and cooks them alive.
* INeverSaidItWasPoison: Erma figured out what Gaston was up to when he told her that Fred was going to use her pistol to commit suicide. Gaston didn't know that Fred never lets her load it, so as he headed over to the restaurant, Erma called Fred and told him everything.
* InstantTasteAddiction: One bite of cooked human flesh causes the eater to become hooked instantaneously. This happens to Fred, Erma, and Phil, who decide to collaborate in the restaurant business to ensure that the stuff doesn't stop coming no matter how many people go missing, as well as to make Gaston pay for his crimes.
* ITakeOffenseToThatLastOne: Fred is pretty humbling as Mr. Chumley tears into him for being late on the rent, apologizing and offering him food to placate him. What ends up being the thing that gets him to go on the warpath? When Chumley tells him that he's a lousy chef.
* ItWillNeverCatchOn: Erma thinks that a restaurant that only sells squid is a stupid idea, but Fred insists that they said the same thing to Colonel Sanders. Unlike the Colonel, it obviously doesn't work out for him.
* ItsAllMyFault: As he and Erma are on the verge of eviction and bankruptcy, Fred can only blame himself, even telling Erma that he understands if she can't wait to leave him.
* KarmaHoudini: Even though Gaston is out of the picture, Fred and Erma get away with grilling the flesh of human victims. Their restaurant also stays in business by the end of the episode, and since Phil becomes their business partner, he's more than willing to use his influence with the police department to help put more and more unsuspecting people on the menu.
* LighterAndSofter: The episode focuses on a restaurant that actively cooks and serves human flesh, but everything about it is played for dark comedy, since it's full of snarky one-liners and has a goofy Dixieland score.
* NeverSuicide: Gaston's escape plan had him killing Fred and Erma and framing it as a murder-suicide over Fred's guilt about killing and grilling people. The problem with said plan was that he told Erma that Fred was going to use her pistol to blow his brains out. Erma is able to tell he's lying because her pistol is empty, as Fred never lets her load it.
* NiceGuy: Poor business sense aside, Fred is a genuinely good man who just wants his dream business to be successful. The worst trait he has is that he's too stubborn to change his mind once he mentally plans something out. Of course, that changes when he gets his first taste of Gaston's "steaks".
* OhCrap:
** Fred, when he discovers what exactly Gaston did to Chumley.
** Gaston, when he realizes that Erma's pistol isn't loaded.
* PoliceAreUseless: Phil zigzags the trope. He's a pretty competent officer, so much so that Fred and Gaston start feeling like the walls are closing in. However, he decides to retire at the end of the episode, using his powers to keep the restaurant open for the sake of his wallet and his diet, as well as at Gaston's expense.
* RagsToRiches: Fred and Erma start the episode on the teetering edge of eviction and struggling to operate their failing restaurant. They come into big riches and a huge surge in popularity thanks to Gaston's "special recipe for barbecue".
* TheSecretOfLongPorkPies: Gaston's "special recipe for barbecue" turns out to be human flesh. The taste is so addicting that every character in the episode, excluding him, ends up completely hooked. Phil even decides to retire from the police force and become Fred and Erma's business partner, using his police influence to put more victims on the menu.
* ShoutOut: Erma tells Fred that one of their customers is a restaurant critic for [[ComicBook/SpiderMan The Daily Bugle]]. This doubles as an in-joke because Christopher Reeve, who plays Fred, has also played [[Film/SupermanTheMovie a superhero who works for a newspaper.]]
* SignsOfDisrepair:
** The original neon sign of the restaurant ("Fred and Erma's") has burned out quite a few letters, so it ends up reading "Enemas."
** Thanks to the success of the new menu, Gaston has his name added to the restaurant's new neon sign. As Fred and Erma kill him on the grill, his part of the sign burns out.
* SkewedPriorities:
** Fred can tell that Erma is preparing to slam his antique cleaver into his neck in the opening scene, but he only tells her that doing so will wreck the blade, especially since it's no longer in production.
** Later, he tries to talk Erma into spending the money left on one of her ferry cards to buy pork for the restaurant instead of using it to help pay their rent.
** Gaston has a moment, too, being more concerned with Fred keeping the freezer door open while the guy's in total shock at seeing him cut up Chumley's body.
* SoundtrackDissonance: The soundtrack of this darkly comedic episode consists of goofy-sounding Dixieland jazz, even as human victims are killed, cooked, and served as steak to unsuspecting diners.
* SpotTheThread: Fred first suspects what happened to Chumley when he spots Gaston wiping sweat off his brow with his former landlord's handkerchief.
* StartOfDarkness: Fred nicking Chumley's hand with his knife. He follows Chumley outside trying to apologize as Gaston witnesses the scene, giving him the idea to put Chumley on the menu.
* ToServeMan: Human flesh turns out to be the sole ingredient of Gaston's special "steaks". Despite this, everyone who tastes the stuff can't get enough of it. Fred and Erma themselves get hooked, and their restaurant stays open to ensure that the food keeps coming, no matter how many people suddenly go missing.
* VillainInAWhiteSuit: Mr. Chumley, Fred's landlord, who threatens to evict him by the morning if his rent isn't paid.
* VillainWithGoodPublicity: Though they never intended to be villains, Fred and Erma achieve huge popularity and success thanks to them grilling the flesh of people that Gaston killed.
* WorldOfJerkass: Early in the episode, Phil alludes that the city the episode is set in is chock full of scum, low-lives, and murderers, being one of the things that makes him grateful that retirement is on the way.
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->'''Crypt Keeper:''' (''standing next to the dead Wolfgang, who has a tap inserted into his head'') I suppose it's a little too late for Gaston to save ''face''. Talk about a ''flesh'' in the pan. (''snickers'') I guess that's what happens when you ''butcher'' money where your mouth is! (''cackles'') As for me, kiddies, I say it's time for ''taps''. (''turns the tap, causing brain juice to pour out of Wolfgang's head'') Mmmmmm. 'Til next time, ''restaurateur'' in peace! (''cackles'')