->''Before we go any further, who the hell orders pizza under the name of "Torchwood"?''
-->-- '''Jack Harkness''', "Everything Changes"

->''[[FreeLoveFuture You people and your quaint little categories.]]''
-->-- '''Jack Harkness''', "Day One"

->'''Ianto:''' I owe it to Lisa, we owe it to her. To find a cure.\\
'''Jack:''' Ianto, you have to believe me, there is no cure. There never will be. Those who are converted stay that way. Your girlfriend will not be the exception!
-->--- "Cyberwoman"

->'''Owen:''' If it's someone we've pissed off that narrows it down to 4 or 5 million.\\
'''Jack:''' And that's just the humans.
--> [[SpoilerTitle "They Keep Killing Suzie"]]

->''Mobiles, landlines, tin cans with bits of string. Everything, absolutely everything. No more phones, phones all broken.'' [makes a phone gesture with his hand] ''Hello? Anybody there? NO, because the phones aren't working!''
--> -- '''Ianto Jones''', "They Keep Killing Suzie"

->''Why is it that only Gwen seems to have a heart? I don't know if you've noticed but the rest of us are human and amazingly we still manage to get on with our jobs.''
-->-- '''Owen Harper''', "Random Shoes"

->'''Gwen:''' ''[to an old lady walking in the street]'' Excuse me... Have you seen a blowfish driving a sportscar?\\
''[The old lady points in direction of the blowfish alien]''\\
'''Gwen:''' Thank you. ''[drives off]''\\
'''Old lady:''' ''[muttering]'' Bloody Torchwood...
-->"Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang"

->'''Jack:''' So, how was rehab?\\
'''John:''' Rehabs. Plural.\\
'''Jack:''' Drink, drugs, sex and...?\\
'''John:''' Murder.\\
'''Jack:''' ''[cracking up]'' You went to ''murder'' rehab?\\
'''John:''' I know, ridiculous. The odd kill! Who does it hurt?\\
'''Jack:''' You clean now?\\
'''John:''' [[SarcasmMode Yeah, kicked everything. Living like a priest.]]
-->"Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang"

->''We don't sniff the sub etheric resonator!''
-->-- '''Ianto Jones''', "Sleeper"

->'''Tosh:''' You said we weren't allowed to use that again. \\
'''Jack:''' It's just a mind probe.\\
'''Ianto:''' Remember what happened ''last'' time we used it?\\
'''Jack:''' That was different. That species has extremely high blood pressure.\\
'''Ianto:''' Oh right. Their heads must explode all the time.
--> "Sleeper"

->'''Owen:''' How'd you know that?\\
'''Ianto:''' I know everything! And it says so on the bottom of the screen.
--> "Sleeper"

->'''Jack:''' All you did tonight was mess things up. Now we have to think of a way to get back in and thanks to you they'll have tightened security.\\
'''Rhys:''' Well, if you'd stopped and asked me exactly what I saw in there instead of showing off about the place-\\
'''Jack:''' ''[to Ianto]'' Do I show off?\\
'''Ianto:''' Just a bit.\\
'''Rhys:''' - you'd know that I got out by telling them I wanted a job as a delivery boy. So rather than cock things up I found you a way to get in. ''[getting right in Jack's face]'' But if you can't handle that, Big Boy, then you can stuff it!\\
'''Jack:''' ''[glances at Gwen]'' This is quite homoerotic.
-->-- "Meat"

->''I have searched for the phrase "I shall walk the Earth and my hunger shall know no bounds," but I keep getting redirected to Weight Watchers.''
-->-- '''Ianto Jones''', "Dead Man Walking"

->'''Banana Boat:''' So do you fancy a little drink later?\\
'''Tosh:''' I'm sorry. I'm intolerant to vasoactive amines.\\
'''Banana Boat:''' Huh?\\
'''Tosh:''' Bananas make me vomit.
--> "Something Borrowed"

->''That's what I love about Torchwood. By day you're chasing the scum of the universe. Come midnight you're the wedding fairy.''
-->-- '''Ianto Jones''', "Something Borrowed"

->'''Gwen:''' On your knees!\\
'''John:''' ''[sigh]'' [[HypocriticalHumor Honestly, it's just sex, sex, sex, with you people.]]
--> "Exit Wounds"

->'''Gwen:''' ''[mockingly]'' Oh my God, Severn Bridge. I'm going into England. Farewell forever.\\
'''Rhys:''' ''[mock-concerned]'' Good luck. Have you got currency?\\
'''Gwen:''' Yes, and I've had my injections.
--> "Children of Earth"

->'''Rex:''' ''[aggravated]'' Now, what is this? Wait a minute, [[FishOutOfWater I've got to pay for this bridge?]] Goddamn Wales.
-->-- '''Rex Matheson''' encounters the Severn Bridge [[BrickJoke as well]], "The New World"

->'''Ianto:''' Don’t forget me.\\
'''Jack:''' Never could.\\
'''Ianto:''' A thousand years’ time... you won’t remember me. \\
'''Jack:''' Yes, I will. I promise, I will.
--> "Children of Earth"

->''Wales is insane.''
--> -- '''Rex Matheson''' "[[Series/TorchwoodMiracleDay Miracle Day]]: The New World"

->'''Gwen:''' That was your last chance.\\
'''Lyn:''' Yeah? And what're you gonna do about it? If you're the best [[BritainIsOnlyEngland England's]] got to offer, then God help you.\\
'''Gwen:''' I'm ''Welsh''. ''[punches her]''
--> "Miracle Day: Rendition"

->'''Lupa:''' You like ''Torchwood'' right?\\
'''Snob:''' Never heard of it. Is it pretentious?\\
'''Lupa:''' No, but it has lots of gay sex and a pterodactyl!\\
'''Snob:''' You're alright.
-->'''WebVideo/TheCinemaSnob''' and '''WebVideo/ObscurusLupa''', in their review of The Asylum's ''Film/SherlockHolmes''