->'''TSA Agent Dennis:''' NCIS? That anything like CSI? \\
'''Tony''': Only if you're dyslexic.

->'''Gibbs''': [[NoodleIncident Some idiot smuggled a koala onto a submarine.]] Grab your gear!

->'''Kate''': I can't give him Air Force One's floor plans, they're top secret! \\
'''Gibbs''': [[LampshadeHanging Come on, Agent Todd. I saw all this in a Harrison Ford movie.]]

->'''Ziva''': [''at the copy machine''] Die, you stupid machine! \\
'''[=McGee=]''': She seems unfazed. \\
'''Tony:''' Those are standard Mossad-style copy machine assault tactics, [=McGee=]. She's fine.

->'''Franks:''' My brother and I married the same woman twice. \\
'''Gibbs:''' Twice? \\
'''Franks:''' She was a ''hell'' of a woman, Probie!

->'''Tony:''' Suspect is claiming he went to bed with one woman and woke up with another. \\
'''Abby:''' That happens to girls too. At night some guy seems all dark and gnarly, then you wake up and his tattoos are fake and he works in a bank. \\
'''Tim:''' I used to work at a bank. \\
'''Abby:''' Your tat is real. And you donít disappoint me.

->'''Ziva:''' What's the matter, Tony? Afraid of a little pussy...''cat?''

->'''Tony:''' You have thirty seconds to live, Saleem. \\
'''Saleem:''' You're still bound. You're lying. \\
'''Tony:''' I can't lie, and I didn't say I was going to be the one to kill you. Remember when I told you [[ChekhovsGunman my boss]] was a sniper? \\

-> '''Ziva''': Oh! My first time was in a weapons carrier! \\
'''Abby and [=McGee=]''': Of ''course'' it was.

->[''after surviving a [[StuffBlowingUp car bomb]]''] \\
'''Tony''': Boss? You remember when I said I never felt better? [''{{Beat}}''] ILied.

->'''Gibbs''': What seems to be the problem, Marine? \\
'''Cpl. Werth''': ... \\
'''Gibbs''': ''[[DrillSergeantNasty WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM, MARINE?!]]'' \\
'''Cpl. Werth''': I want to kill someone, sir!

->'''Gibbs''': Tony, it could have been us every damn day of the week. Sometimes it has been. You want to worry about something, worry about tomorrow.

->'''[=McGee=]''': [to [=DiNozzo=]] What are you in, some kind of 12-step program for recovering mysogynists?

[[folder:Gibbs' Rules]]
# Never Screw Over Your Partner.
** Never let suspects stay together.
# Always wear gloves at a crime scene.
# Never be unreachable.
** Don't believe what you're told; double check.
# If you have a secret, the best thing is to keep it to yourself. The second-best is to tell one other person if you must. There is no third best.
# You don't waste good.
# Never say you're sorry, it is a sign of weakness.
# Always be specific when you lie.
# Never take anything for granted.
# Never go anywhere without a knife.
# Never get personally involved on a case.
# When the job is done, walk away.
# Never date a coworker.
# Never, ever involve lawyers.
# Bend the Line, don't break it.
# Always work as a team.
# If someone thinks they have the upper hand, break it.
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# It's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission.
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# Always look under.
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# Never, ever bother Gibbs in interrogation.
# Never mess with a marine's coffee, if you want to live.
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# Two ways to follow someone: either they never notice you, or they ''only'' notice you.
# If you need help, ask.
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# Always watch the watchers.
# If it feels like you're being played, you probably are.
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# Your case, your lead.
# No such thing as a coincidence.
# If it feels like someone is out to get you, they are.
# ---
# Don't ever accept an apology from someone who just sucker-punched you.
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# First things first, hide the women and children.
# Always clean up your mess.
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# Sometimes, you're wrong.