->''"In [[BigApplesauce this city]] live Lucy and Ricky Ricardo.'' \\
''Of course, you know Ricky as the famous orchestra leader and singer.''\\
''And Lucy is the famous, um, well she's...''\\
''[[TriviallyObvious her hair is very red. And she's married to Ricky.]]''\\
''In this little district close to theaters and nightclubs where Ricky works,''\\
''they have a little apartment where they laugh, love, and thoroughly enjoy life."''
-->--'''Opening Narration to {{Pilot}}'''

[[foldercontrol]]

[[folder:Season 1]]

->'''Lucy:''' What's the matter? What are you standing up for?
->'''Ricky:''' Because two gorgeous ladies entered the room.
->'''Lucy:''' They did? Where?
->'''Ethel:''' They mean us.
->'''Lucy:''' Oh! You great big latin lover you![she pinches Ricky's cheek]
->'''Ethel:''' Oh! You sweet, handsome man you! [she pinches Fred's cheek]
->'''Ricky:''' You gorgeous, exciting, woman you! [he pinches Lucy's cheek]
->'''Fred:''' I pass.

->'''Fred:''' Hey Rick, are you doing anything Monday night?
->'''Ricky:''' I don't think so. It's my night off, why?
->'''Fred:''' I'd like you to join me in commemoration of an 18-year-old tragedy.
->'''Ricky:''' What do you mean?
->'''Fred:''' Well, it's our wedding anniverary.
->'''Ricky:''' Oh, you want us to join you in the celebration?
->'''Fred:''' I'd prefer to think of it as a grim reminder.

->'''Lucy:''' [getting weighed] How much do I weigh?
->'''Ricky:''' 47 pounds and stop leaning on me.

->'''Ethel:''' What if I cried every time I put on a pound?
->'''Fred:''' We'd be up to our ears in tears.
->'''Ricky:''' [Lucy was hiding under the table with the dog to steal tablescraps] What do you have to say for yourself?
->'''Lucy:''' [holds her hands up like a dog] Arf arf arf!

->'''Lucy:''' Lets see, it was either the upstairs maid, or the butler, or the cook.
->'''Ricky:''' It was her husband.
->'''Lucy:''' Her husband? He didn't have any reason to do it.
->'''Ricky:''' He was married wasn't he?

->'''Ricky:''' Lucy's acting crazy!
->'''Fred:''' Crazy for Lucy or crazy for ordinary people?

->'''Ethel:''' What's the matter?
->'''Lucy:''' You're looking at a future doornail.
->'''Ethel:''' Huh?
->'''Lucy:''' Ricky just tried to kill me.
->'''Ethel:''' [smiling] Really? Then I'm a better fortune teller than I thought![pause] What am I saying? What are you talking about?
->'''Lucy:''' I overheard him on the phone! He's been planning this a long time, and he finally decided to do it! Last night was just a dress rehearsal.
->'''Ethel:''' Oh, no, Lucy, you must have just misunderstood him.
->'''Lucy:''' No, I didn't, he took a shot at me already, but he missed!
->'''Ethel:''' [They look for a bullet hole] Was that the noise I heard just now?
->'''Lucy:''' Yeah, he bought a gun specially for it. Let's see if it's in that desk!
->'''Ethel:''' [Lucy finds a gun in the desk] Oh, you poor thing!
->'''Lucy:''' [Lucy picks up an ink blotter] Ricky wrote something when he was talking on the phone and he blotted it on this blotter!
->'''Ethel:''' [Moves away from the desk] Where are you going?
->'''Lucy:''' The mirror!
->'''Ethel:''' Mirror? Oh, so you can read it! My, you're clever!
->'''Lucy:''' I don't read mystery books for nothing.
->'''Ethel:''' [Reading the list] Helen, Anne, Mary... What does it mean?
->'''Lucy:''' [Wailing] I'm not even cold yet and Ricky's lining up girls to take my place! Helen, Anne, Mary, Cynthia, Alice, Theodore. [does a double-take] THEODORE!

->'''Lucy:''' [Thinking Ricky has poisoned her] Ricky, no matter what you've done, I forgive you. [She collapses]
->'''Ricky:''' Thank you!
->'''Lucy:''' [Dragging herself back up before falling down again] You're welcome.
->'''Ricky:''' Geez! That's a powerful sleeping powder!
->'''Lucy:''' [Standing up] Sleeping powder? Ha! The sleep from which no-one returns.
->'''Ricky:''' Oh, honey, come on, you better lie down. Let me help you lie down! Lie down, honey, lie down!
->'''Lucy:''' Don't rush me! I'll be lying down for a long, long time.
->'''[Falls asleep on the couch]:'''
->'''Lucy:''' I got a Mickey from Ricky.
->'''Ricky:''' She seems to have some idea that I'm going to kill her.

->'''Ricky:''' Listen, Professor, can you play that thin'?

->'''Lucy:''' What thin?
->'''Ricky:''' Never mind makin' fun of my English.
->'''Lucy:''' That's English?

->'''Lucy:''' Hello, I'm looking for Risky Riskardo.
->'''Ricky:''' Oh, well I'm Ricky Ricardo.
->'''Lucy:''' Oh nice to meet you, do you know where I can find Risky Riskardo?
->'''Ricky:''' Can you play that instrument there?
->'''Lucy:''' Where?
->'''Ricky:''' [points] There.
->'''Ricky:''' There.
->'''Lucy:''' [follows his arm, looks to the cello] Oh! That instrument!
->'''Ricky:''' Can you play it?
->'''Lucy:''' Oh, well... naaah!

->'''Lucy:''' You know, I've been thinking about shows like Burns and Allen. George Burns uses his wife on the show. Why don't you?
->'''Ricky:''' I'd love to! Do you think she would leave George?

->'''Ricky:''' For goodness' sakes don't tell Lucy, will you? If she knows the audition is tonight she'll be pestering the life out of me to get into the act. How am I gonna get rid of her for the day?
->'''Fred:''' Well, you could lock her in the bathroom. If she stays in there as long as Ethel does she'll never even know the door's locked.

->'''Ethel:''' Ethel to Tillie, Ethel to Tillie, come in Tillie!

->'''Mr. Merriweather:''' Tillie, is that you?
->'''Lucy:''' [In a high voice] Yes, it's meeeeee, Tillieeeeeee!
->'''Mr. Merriweather:''' But, Tillie, that sneeze! Are you sick?
->'''Lucy:''' Sick? I'm dead!

->'''Mr. Merriweather:''' My horoscope says no more business after noon today.
->'''Lucy:''' Oh, you follow horoscopes?
->'''Mr. Merriweather:''' Yes! I'm Scorpio.
->'''Lucy:''' I'm Taurus.
->'''Ricky:''' I'm cooked.
->'''Lucy:''' Now, you read that book and see for yourself, Five.
->'''Ricky:''' Five?
->'''Lucy:''' Yeah, that's your name in numerology, I figured it out.
->'''Ricky:''' Oh, no...
->'''Lucy:''' You might be going through life with the wrong name. Hey, I better figure out the right one for you! Maybe if you're something besides Five, it'll help our vibration.
->'''Ricky:''' Lucy!
->'''Lucy:''' What?
->'''Ricky:''' [Pretending to be hurt] Don't you like the way I vibrate?

->'''Ethel:''' Good morning, Lucy.
->'''Lucy:''' [to Ricky] She's a woman.
->'''Ricky:''' I guess so.
->'''Ethel:''' Well, thanks! Now that that's settled, how are ya, Three?
->'''Lucy:''' I'm fine, Seven.
->'''Ricky:''' [Groaning] Oh...
->'''Lucy:''' Five got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.
->'''Ricky:''' Goodbye, Three.
->'''Lucy:''' Goodbye, Five!
->'''Lucy:''' [To Ricky] Why do you have that idiotic smile on your face?
->'''Ricky:''' I was just thinking of a perfect Sixteen I used to know.
->'''Lucy:''' Oh, get out of here!
->'''Mr. Merriweather:''' Oh, you study numerology?
->'''Lucy:''' Of course.
->'''Mr. Merriweather:''' I'm a 1.
->'''Lucy:''' I'm a 3.
->'''Ricky:''' I'm a 5.
->'''Mr. Merriweather:''' We're all odd, aren't we?

->'''Lucy:''' [at false seance, introducing Ethel in disguise] This is Madam Ethel Mertzola. She'll be our medium tonight. She's psychopathic.


->'''Ethel:''' Well, I must say you're taking it calmly.
->'''Lucy:''' Now it comes. What's on your mind, Ethel?
->'''Ethel:''' Look, honey, you don't have to pretend with me. I come to you this morning not just as a landlady, not just as a friend, but as a shoulder upon which to weep in this time of crisis.
->'''Lucy:''' Well, I think you've been twisting those curlers too tight.

->'''Ricky:''' Aw, honey, I don't care anything about that new dancer.
->'''Lucy:''' Hah!
->'''Ricky:''' Aw, honey, you can trust me.
->'''Lucy:''' I can, huh?
->'''Ricky:''' Why sure. I'm as faithful as an old dog.
->'''Lucy:''' Yeah, old Rover!

->'''Ricky:''' [When Lucy suggests performing as a USO singer] Have you ever heard Lucy sing?
->'''Fred:''' No.
->'''Ricky:''' Our fighting men have been through enough.

->'''Ricky:''' Lucy's been acting strange lately!
->'''Fred:''' Strange? How can you tell?

->'''Lucy:''' There's just two things keeping me from dancing in that show.
->'''Fred:''' Your feet?

->'''Jean Valijean Raymand:''' Oh, madame, but you have such a beautiful hand!
->'''Lucy:''' Oh, really? Well I have another one just like it!

->'''Jean Valijean Raymand:''' Oh, but you don't understand, madame! The apache dance is a dance of amour. One must warm up to it.
->'''Lucy:''' Yeah, well I think you started warming up on the way over here!
->'''Jean Valijean Raymand:''' I can't help it. I can't help that there's a pounding in my heart.
->'''Lucy:''' You don't watch out, there'll be a pounding on your head!

->'''Ladies Club Chairwoman:''' You have just seen Mrs. Glazingham's play entitled Pearl One, Drop Two, or Much Ado about Knitting.

->'''Lucy:''' Time to make another call to Ethel. [disguised voice] Hello, this is the Ajax Salvage Company. We buy old glass, I understand you have some rings that you're interested in selling.
->'''Ricky:''' Ha ha ha ha!
->'''[Fires air hammer into the phone]:'''
->'''Lucy:''' [to Ricky] Think harder, we can be nastier than that.

->'''Ricky:''' Now look, Lucy, we're not going to go over all this again. You cannot be in the show.
->'''Lucy:''' Give me one good reason.
->'''Ricky:''' You have no talent.
->'''Lucy:''' Give me another good reason.

->'''Lucy:''' Here I am with all this talent bottled up inside of me and you're always sitting on the cork.

->'''Lucy:''' Now, what about boys your own age?
->'''Peggy:''' Oh, they're all so icky.
->'''Lucy:''' They're icky, huh?
->'''Peggy:''' Yeah. Except Arthur... Arthur Morton. He's wonderful. He's got curly hair, big, sad eyes, and floppy ears. He looks like Gregory Peck.
->'''Lucy:''' Sounds more like Lassie!

->'''Arthur:''' But... You're a woman.
->'''Lucy:''' Yes, my husband likes me that way.

->'''Ricky:''' Why are we whispering?
->'''Lucy:''' If my feet find out this was my idea, they'll kill me.

->'''Ricky:''' [Finds Lucy soaking her feet] What's the matter?
->'''Lucy:''' I gave Arthur a dancing lesson.
->'''Ricky:''' Arthur? Arthur who?
->'''Lucy:''' Believe me, it wasn't Arthur Murray!

->'''Peggy:''' I can't believe this whole thing! Why, I just saw you at rehearsal yesterday, dancing around and beating your conga drum.
->'''Ricky:''' Oh, yes. Well, I'm glad you saw that. That was my farewell performance.
->'''Lucy:''' Yeah, he's ba-ba'd his last lu.

->'''Peggy:''' Do you still know how to dance?
->'''Lucy:''' [insulted] I think I can recall a few variations on the Turkey Trot.

->'''Lucy:''' [trying to discourage teenage neighbor Peggy from her infatuation with Ricky] Well, there's a little thing you overlooked, Peggy. Ricky is married.
->'''Peggy:''' I know. Doesn't that make it sophisticated!
->'''Lucy:''' Well, yes.
->'''Peggy:''' And he's so much more worldly than the boys I know.
->'''Lucy:''' Well, I should hope so. He's a little older, too.
->'''Peggy:''' I know. He's middle-aged!
->'''Lucy:''' What?
->'''Peggy:''' He must be pushing 23.
->'''Lucy:''' Yeah, he's pushing 23 all right. In fact, he's pushed it all the way to 35. I suppose you think that I'm pushing 23, too?
->'''Peggy:''' Oh, no. A woman can always tell another woman's age.
->'''Lucy:''' Yes, well, now about Ricky. You know, there's another thing you overlooked, Peggy.
->'''Peggy:''' What?
->'''Lucy:''' I love him, too.
->'''Peggy:''' I was afraid of that. You're gonna be terrific competition.
->'''Lucy:''' Well, thanks.
->'''Peggy:''' Gosh, you've got that 'certain something'.
->'''Lucy:''' Well, that's... that's quite a compliment. But how would a girl your age know that I have that 'certain something'?
->'''Peggy:''' I can tell by the way my mother looks at my father when my father looks at you.

[[/folder]]

[[folder:Season 2]]

->'''Ricky:''' Believe me, if you traded places with me, you'd be surprised.
->'''Lucy:''' [pregnant, but hasn't yet told Ricky] Believe me, if I traded places with you, YOU'D be surprised!

->'''Lucy:''' I’ve been feeling really dauncy.
->'''Ethel:''' Dauncy?
->'''Lucy:''' That’s a word my grandmother made up for when you’re not really sick but you’re feeling lousy.
->'''Ethel:''' Lucy...You don’t suppose you’re gonna have a baby?”
->'''Lucy:''' A baby?
->'''Ethel:''' Yeah. That’s a word my grandmother made up for tiny little people.


->''"Next time you want a hamburger without onions, ''ask'' for a hamburger without onions! Don't just stand there yelling, "Bring the bull in the ring and laugh in his face"!''
->--'''Lucy''', about Ricky's attempt at [[HashHouseLingo diner slang]], "The Diner".

->'''Fred:''' Let's just hope for the best.
->'''Lucy:''' Don't worry, Fred, Ethel'll come back.
->'''Fred:''' I said let's hope for the BEST.

->'''Ricky:''' What do you know about rice?
->'''Fred:''' Well, I had it thrown at me on one of the darkest days in my life.


->'''Lucy:''' But Ricky, tonight is Monday. You were going to take me to a movie and dinner.
->'''Ricky:''' I was?
->'''Lucy:''' Well, I didn't tell you about it yet, but you were.

[[/folder]]

[[folder:Season 3]]

* After Ethel tells their friends that Lucy has sworn not to tell a lie for a full day:
->'''Caroline Appleby:''' Caroline Appleby: Lucy, how old are you?
->'''Marion Strong:''' Marion Strong: How much do you weigh?
->'''Ethel:''' Ethel Mertz: What color would your hair be if you didn't dye it?
->'''Lucy:''' Lucy Ricardo: 33, 129, and mousey brown.

->'''Fred:''' Rick, did I ever tell you what happened to Ethel and me on our honeymoon?
->'''Ricky:''' [with a touch of sarcasm] Not lately.
->'''Fred:''' Oh. Did I tell you, Lucy?
->'''Lucy:''' Yes.
->'''Ethel:''' [Fred turns toward Ethel] I was there!


->'''Ricky:''' Lucy, you remember the musicians' picnic last Fourth of July?
->'''Lucy:''' Oh, what a day that was.
->'''Ethel:''' What happened?
->'''Lucy:''' Oh, well, we...
->'''Ricky:''' I'll tell it, Dear. The musicians' local was having a picnic... and all the boys in the band wanted to go... We left about, eh, ten o'clock.
->'''Lucy:''' It was twelve o'clock.
->'''Ricky:''' No, Dear, it was ten o'clock.
->'''Lucy:''' No, Honey, it was twelve o'clock.
->'''Ricky:''' Well, what's the difference?

->'''Lucy:''' We're gonna be on television.
->'''Fred:''' Who is?
->'''Ethel:''' Our Women's Club.
->'''Fred:''' Well, that ought to bring back movies.

[[/folder]]
[[folder:Season 4]]

->'''Clerk:''' Now, what's the date of your birth?
->'''Lucy:''' August sixth.
->'''Clerk:''' August sixth, what?
->'''Lucy:''' August sixth, period.


->'''Lucy:''' [to Ethel, after they fight] Happy Birthday, and I hope you live another 75 years!

->'''Ethel:''' [Lucy] said I looked like a hippopatamus.
->'''Lucy:''' I merely intimated that she was a little hippy but on second glance she does have the biggest potamus I've ever seen.

[[/folder]]
[[folder:Season 5]]
->'''Ricky:''' Why are you so interested that I go to the studio party tomorrow night?
->'''Lucy:''' You want the truth?
->'''Ricky:''' That would be refreshing, yes.
->'''Lucy:''' The whole truth?
->'''Ricky:''' That would be even more refreshing.
->'''Lucy:''' I lied.
->'''Ricky:''' That sounds like the truth.




->'''Conductor:''' [after Lucy has pulled the train's emergency stop handle] Madam, did you stop this train by pulling that handle?
->'''Lucy:''' Well I didn't do it by dragging my feet.

->'''Lucy:''' What happened? You look like you ran into something.
->'''Ricky:''' I did.
->'''Lucy:''' What?
->'''Ricky:''' The back of the train.

* Ethel pulls out her birth certificate
->'''Fred:''' Show it to 'em, Honey.
->'''Ethel:''' No.
->'''Lucy:''' She doesn't want us to see the year
->'''Fred:''' Put your finger over the year. I thought they might like to see what Lincoln's signature looks like.


->'''Dr. Peterson:''' I'm the doctor who brought your wife into the world.
->'''Ricky:''' Oh you are? Well I don't know whether to thank you or punch you in the nose!

->'''Ricky:''' Will somebody mind telling me what's going on here?
->'''Ethel:''' Why? You'll never believe it.
->'''Lucy:''' Well now, I just figured maybe I'd have to stow away if I wanted to get to Europe and I knew that a seal could live in there, so I supposed maybe I could and when I tried it on for size, I got locked in it.
->'''Ricky:''' [to Ethel, deadpan] What makes you think I wouldn't believe it?

[[/folder]]
[[folder:Season 6]]
->'''Ricky:''' Ricky, what are you going to say when you meet your grandmother?
->'''Little Ricky:''' 'Buenos días, abuela.'
->'''Ricky:''' Very good. Very good.
->'''Little Ricky:''' What are you going to say, Mommie?
->'''Lucy:''' What, dear?
->'''Ricky:''' What are you going to say when you meet my mother?
->'''Lucy:''' Oh. 'Bonos dyes, may-dree.'
->'''Ricky:''' 'Bonos dyes, may-dree?' Heh, heh, Honey, it's 'Buenos días, madre.'
->'''Lucy:''' I don't think that's very nice, making fun of my Spanish.
->'''Ricky:''' Well, you've been making fun of my English for fifteen years.
->'''Lucy:''' Well, that's different. Spanish is a foreign language.
->'''Ricky:''' Well, English is a foreign language to me.
->'''Lucy:''' Well, the way you speak it, it is to me, too.

->'''Ethel:''' Oh, just think. You'll be visiting your relatives in a foreign land. Sometimes I wish I had married a Cuban.
->'''Fred:''' That makes two of us.

->'''Lucy:''' [Ricky tells Lucy that he was unable to get Superman for Little Ricky's birthday party] Oh, I've already told Little Ricky and all the other children...
->'''Ricky:''' Well, Honey, I'm sorry, but you shouldn't cross your bridges before they're hatched.
->'''Lucy:''' What?
->'''Ricky:''' You shouldn't burn your chickens behind you.

->'''Ricky:''' [yelling at Lucy because she is out on the ledge] In the fifteen years that we've been married...
->'''Superman:''' Wait a minute Mr. Ricardo, do you mean to tell me that you've been married to her for fifteen years?
->'''Ricky:''' Yes, fifteen years.
->'''Superman:''' And they call me Superman.

[[/folder]]