[[folder:The Ballad of Freddy Pharkas]]
-->''He was born in old St. Louie,''
-->''By the age of four Dad knew he was the''
-->''Best little crackshot the West had ever seen.''

-->''By the time he reached pubescence,''
-->''He could outshoot all the adolescents''
-->''West of Durango and North of Abilene.''

-->''Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.''
-->''Famous gunslingin' deputy.''
-->''Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas,''
-->''Frontier hero-to-be.''

-->''Then one day young Freddy Pharkas''
-->''Stared at eyes as black and dark as Night, the''
-->''Eyes of an outlaw, well-known throughout the West.''

-->''Oh, the tough kid's name was Kenny,''
-->''And he outdrew Freddy Pharkas when he''
-->''Shot Freddy's ear off, to prove who was the best.''

-->''Now our hero, Freddy Pharkas,''
-->''With his wounded pride and earless carcass,''
-->''Vowed to the heavens to give up gunnery.''
-->''He'd be better off, he reckoned,''
-->''With the lifelong dream that always beckoned:''
-->''Pestles, not pistols, and pharmacology.''

-->''Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas,''
-->''Highest score on his S.A.T.,''
-->''Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas,''
-->''Five-year college degree.''

-->''After Fred matriculated,''
-->''Got his Ph.D. and graduated,''
-->''Moved out to Coarsegold and bought a pharmacy,''

-->''He's a real prescription writer,''
-->''And they don't know he's an ex-gunfighter,''
-->''Locked up his mem'ries, repressed them totally.''

-->''But his peaceful new survival''
-->''Soon was shot to hell upon arrival''
-->''Of Coarsegold's schoolmarm, the sweet Penelope.''

-->''She had captured Fred's affection,''
-->''But he's scared he'll get a huge... [[GettingCrapPastTheRadar rejection,]]''
-->''Can't bear to tell her just what he used to be.''

-->''Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.''
-->''Frontier Pharmacist bourgeoisie,''
-->''Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.''
-->''Peerless, earless and free!''
[[/folder]]