-> '''Eddie''': I've got it! We'll call it the Esther Rantzen.\\
'''Richie''': Why the Esther Rantzen?\\
'''Eddie''': Because [[GargleBlaster it pulls your gums back over your teeth]]. ''(Takes a sip, grimaces, imitates Esther Rantzen's voice:)'' And on tonight's program, an amusing misprint that says "penis"!
->Always keep your mouth open when you're insulting a lady.
-->--'''Eddie Hitler''', ''on chivalry.''
-->'''Richie:''' Well, she had an earring.
-->'''Eddie:''' Yeah, through "her" foreskin!
-->'''Richie:''' Yes. Which I found out later, much to my distress.
-->'''Richie:''' What's in this?!\\
'''Eddie:''' [[GargleBlaster Meths, pernod, paintstripper, Mr. Sheen, brake fluid and Drambuie!]]\\
'''Richie:''' Drambuie?! [[CampGay Oooh hoo-hoo ooooh!]]\\
'''Eddie:''' [[CasanovaWannabe Yeah, yeah, yeah, alright! You've gotta put something in for the birds, haven't you?]]\\
'''Richie:''' ''[takes a whiff]'' Jesus! How are you ''alive?''\\
'''Eddie:''' [[CloudCuckoolander I may very well NOT be.]]
-->'''Richie:''' (Preparing to haul a passed-out Eddie up the stairs by means of a rope tied to his leg) Well thank you, Lord, for making me such a nice person. Not many of use, ehh? Just me, Jesus, and Mahatma Ghandi. (Fixes rope to ceiling and sings:) "Do your balls hang low? Can you swing 'em to and fro? / Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? / Do you get a funny feeling when they're hanging from the ceiling? / Oh you'll never be sailor if your balls hang low..." (Yanks Eddie into the bannister, [[GroinAttack crotch first]].)\\
'''Eddie:''' (mumbles as Richie pulls him upstairs) Take it easy, Selina, we've got all night. Do your worst your slanty-eyed fiend I'll never talk!! Good evening your majesty. I can see your pants from here.
-->'''Richie:''' There's a 28 inch surround sound TV with fast text, FST, NICAM and loads of other bollocks that no-one understands that I've had my eye on for a couple of months now. Right, shopping list, shopping list... I'll grab my ballpoint.\\
'''Both:''' [[DoubleEntendre Ooh err!]]\\
'''Eddie:''' Oh -- No time for crap double entendres, Richie, the window of Curry's just blown. They've thrown [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aswad_(band) Aswad]] through it!
-->'''Eddie:''' (disguised as that bird from the abattoir) Sleep on the sofa? on my honeymoon? My mother warned me about you, you bastard, [proceeds to beat Richie] you brute, Oh I've suffered in the name of love! Only women bleed!\\
'''Richie:''' Yeah I think I'd dispute that actually, Eddie.\\
'''Eddie:''' Want some more?\\
'''Richie:''' (with nosebleed) No I've had plenty! you can have the bed darling.\\
'''Eddie:''' Why thank you tulip\\
'''Richie:''' Oh and er daffodil?\\
'''Eddie:''' Yes carnation?\\
'''Richie:''' [[GroinAttack Get this!]] (kicks Eddie in the balls)
-->'''Richie''' So who is she getting married to?\\
'''Eddie''' Well, y'know Ted Rodgers?\\
'''Richie''' [[FoeYay He's not marrying Ted Rodgers?]]\\
'''Eddie''' No, he's getting married to that bird from the abattoir who ''looks'' like Ted Rodgers.
-->'''Eddie:''' Sprouts Mexicain?\\
'''Richie:''' Sprouts Mexicain.\\
'''Eddie:''' What's that?\\
'''Richie:''' Well it's, er, sprouts, pinch of chilli powder, ''jar'' of curry powder, hint of tabasco sauce -- well, 3 bottles actually, it's not so much a "hint" as a party political broadcast -- and the secret ingredient, gunpowder!\\
'''Richie:''' Yeah they were left over from last christmas! [imitates ASDA jingle]\\
'''Eddie:''' But it's October!\\
'''Richie:''' Yes, they were a bit... frisky, but the spices'll cover any embarrassment.\\
-->'''Richie:''' Where's that packet of johnnies we used to have?\\
'''Eddie:''' We stuck 'em on our heads. Remember when Norman came round with that sherry?\\
-->'''Richie:''' Fancy a cocktail before bed?\\
'''Eddie:''' Absolutely not.\\
'''Richie:''' Oh come on ya big poof! what about a "Bloody Mavis"?\\
'''Eddie:''' Now that's the one that's made of [[StockYuck Gin, blood and porcupine shit]]. Err without the gin.\\
'''Richie:''' O.K what about a "coconut suprise?"
-->'''Eddie:''' Is that the one with napalm in it?\\
'''Richie:''' Well it's a bit of something from that tin I found with the skull and crossbones on it that dissolved the spoon and sent me blind for a fortnight!\\
--> '''Waiter:''' Look it's Ted Rodgers in a dress.\\
'''Richie:''' Don't pull that one on me!\\
'''Waiter:''' But it ''is'' Ted Rodgers in a wedding dress. With a seven foot Neanderthal figure!\\
'''Eddie:''' That's not Ted Rodgers. That's that bird from the abattoir that's getting married to Canonball Taffy O'Jones.
-->'''Richie''': What would 007 have? Ooh! Vodka martini.\\
'''Eddie''': We've only got ouzo and Pernod.\\
'''Richie''': Well that'll have to do. Have we got any glace cherries? (Eddie shakes his head) Well, just bung a blob of marmalade in,then.
-->'''Richie''': What were the charges again?\\
'''Eddie''': Attempted asphyxiation of the population of [[NoCommunitiesWereHarmed West London]], detonating four—hundred pounds of semtex in controversion of the Anti—Terrorism Act, attempted regicide, arson, causing an affray, and [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking wiggling our todgers at the Queen]].
-->'''Eddie''': We can't go on like this. Why did they take the telly away?\\
'''Richie''': You know very well, Edward Hitler. They took the telly away because, according to you, while you were wending your merry way down to the telly shop with the rent money, you came across a strange old man who sold you four magic beans. Which cost ''exactly'' the £86.23 we owed in back-rent to Rumbelow's.\\
'''Eddie''': They ''are'' magic beans, you know!\\
'''Richie''': Oh yes, and ''here'' is the magic beanstalk! ''[Holds up an empty plant pot]'' Good thing I've got a head for heights, because it's a ''whopper!''\\
'''Eddie''': Well, it wasn't me who let us get behind with the rent, was it? How did we get £86.23 behind in the first place?\\
'''Richie''': Alright, let's change the subject, it's irrelevant. In fact, I forgive you.\\
'''Eddie''' It wasn't me who bypassed Rumbelow's for 3 months, saved up the money and took it to Dr. O'Grady's [[DoubleEntendre Personal Organ Enhancement Clinic]].\\
'''Richie''': Er... cup of tea, Eddie? Or some money?\\
'''Eddie''': [[LargeHam WE HAVEN'T GOT ANY MONEY! THAT'S THE PROBLEM!]] ..."For a mere eighty-five pounds -- "\\
'''Richie''': Oh, God.\\
'''Eddie''': "For a mere £85, you too can have your personal organ enhanced so that it is comparable in size to that of a fully grown mountain gorilla."\\
'''Richie''': Yes, but when he said "comparable in size" I didn't think he meant "an awful lot smaller than".\\
'''Eddie''': What? You mean it didn't work?\\
'''Richie''': Well, he did enhance it ''temporarily''... But when it said on the door, "revolutionary new enhancement technique", I didn't think he was just going to stick me in a cubicle with a copy of ''Razzle''.