->''Nobody plays the game better''
->''But no one could play it much worse''
->''You alone know these rules to the letter''
->''And they spell out your mission and curse''
->''Obsolete hardware from years ago''
->''Finding it all is your aim''
->''From thrift stores to eBay to antique road shows''
->''Adventure is your favourite game''
->''Oh, and Ashens is your naaaaame''
->''But where will this lead in the end?''
->''For [[Literature/ForWhomTheBellTolls no man is an island]] of tat''
->''Perhaps what you need is a friend''
->''[[IWorkAlone Could you imagine that?]]''
->''Your mission's about to begin''
->''If you don't lose then you might just win''
->''We're rooting for you''
->''You odd little bearded prat''
->''Terrible hardware from years gone by''
->''Worthless old relics you claim''
->''[[GottaCatchThemAll There's one left to get]]''
->''Now don't give in and cry''
->''Adventure is your favourite game''
->''Oh, and Ashens is your name''
-->-- '''Theme tune'''

->"I've seen the stuff you do on [=YouTube=], you know! Reviewing bits of tat on a brown sofa? It's not exactly ''Film/TheMatrix'', is it? [[TakeThat Maybe the third one.]]"
-->-- '''Chef Excellence'''