->''"We have to do math? You did ''not'' tell me there would be math!"''
-->-- '''Mike'''

->''In ancient times, in a land far off\\
Full of goblins and mages and kobolds and kings\\
Valiant men tempted evil's wrath\\
For honour and riches and magical rings\\
\\
Some found fortune, some found despair\\
But all found things they had not known were there\\
Now ages after, though their stories doth pale\\
Their deeds live on in our song of their tale...\\
\\
But none of that shit matters\\
Cause it's really just pretending\\
And tonight, we all are gathered here\\
To witness these four men\\
Bring their dumb asses to a table\\
And talk smack to each other\\
And there's no mortal danger!\\
\\
Tonight, four men\\
With some paper and some dice\\
Will sit around pretending\\
That they know how to fight\\
\\
And move around some miniatures\\
And say some made-up words\\
While every move is second-guessed\\
By several thousand nerds\\
Casting magic missle in the darkness\\
These four me--en!\\
\\
These four men\\
And their DM\\
Full-grown men\\
[[VitriolicBestBuds Four best friends]]\\
[[TheLeader Omin Dran]]\\
And [[ButtMonkey Binwin]]\\
Also [[EnsembleDarkhorse Jim]]\\
And there's... [[BerserkButton Al]]\\
\\
Acquisitions [[IncrediblyLongNote Inco--orpo--orate--e--e--d]]!''
-->--'''The Minstrels''' introduce the second PAX game

->''"Dying changes a man, baby."''
-->--'''Aeofel''', season five

->''"I need you, Omin Dran, to fight and slay the Kaiju... or as we call it upstairs, [[spoiler: [[NighInvulnerability The Tarrasque]]]]."''
-->--'''Chris as Tymora''' at the climax of the 2013 PAX game.

->''"What are you doing at this table, man?!"''
-->--'''Chris''', upon Mike and Scott revealing that they've never heard of [[spoiler: The Tarrasque]] at PAX 2013.

->''"It's time to rejoin the party as they venture forward. Deeply probing the savage, untamed cleft... of destiny"''
-->--Introduction to "Arc of the Mad Mage"

----

->''Acquisition\\
Binwin\\
Makin' an incision with precision\\
Choice cuts such that quality abuts filet mignon\\
Axe-grip tight as a pinion\\
And for women\\
Dwarven stamina plus a low center of gravita' is a win-win\\
\\
Jim from New Hamp\\
Gets them too damp\\
He ends friends\\
He turns pals into pyres with his unfriendly fire\\
Heater than a fever, hemmorrhagic\\
Hark, it's tragic\\
But that's what you're gettin' when he's spittin' that dark, dark magic\\
\\
Viari\\
A player, like Atari\\
Shows that O-face, that Van Gogh face, like when a night gets starry\\
If that's your girl, I'm sorry\\
And if that's your man, well he don't give a damn, he came to party\\
\\
Ominifus Dran\\
He of the limitless con\\
Ill syllabus, sicker than the liquor I'm on\\
I'm the ribald, fly skald, with a vanity plate that says "Try Bald"\\
I give foes a trip to the maul\\
I flatten 'em\\
I turn gold into platinum\\
I'm reverent as a Latin hymn\\
With holy fire I blacken 'em crisp\\
Nothin' left but a wisp and a thick grease\\
I give the slip to a lord of the crypt like "lich, please"\\
\\
I could regale with the tale of another great mission\\
But it's late and we must vacate this Acquisition!''
-->--'''Jerry Holkins''' shows off his sick flow after the game at Pax East 2016
----

->''"He whispers something in your ear, as you collapse, he says: [[spoiler: How does nineteen work for you?]]"''
-->-- '''Chris, dropping the single biggest WhamLine in the entire franchise during the finale of Acquisitions Incorporated: The Series '''

----

* The intro to the C-team
-->''Time is the enemy\\
The past, it threatens the fastest weapon\\
You wouldn't make it past a second and that's the question\\
Play it brash and reckless\\
Or choose a cautious solution you thought was prudent\\
In any sepulcher pulchritude'll become the putrid\\
It's that wealth that I'm pursuing\\
No mountain too steep or dungeon too deep\\
To send expendable marks up to the top of the peak or beneath\\
They see you bleed and come like sharks to it\\
While I swim in that money bin like Creator/CarlBarks drew it\\
So send your natural parks druid\\
I'll send them home in a natural box with a closed top and most of the parts included\\
(Inhales)\\
Save your breath for a cleric confessor\\
Death is a lesson and life is a tenured professor\\
But if you're seeking my official advice\\
Sign on the dotted line, initial it twice''