[[quoteright:240:http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/zed.png]]
[[caption-width-right:240:JamesBond as you really, really don't want to see him!]]
->"''Beyond [[NineteenEightyFour 1984]], Beyond [[TwoThousandOne 2001]], Beyond Love, Beyond Death''"
-->'''The ''Zardoz'' {{tagline}}'''

->''Get ready for ''Zardoz'', the only movie that manages to be both unbearably tedious and [[MindScrew completely fucking insane]] all at the same time!''
-->'''Albert Walker, [[http://www.agonybooth.com/recaps/Zardoz_1974.aspx review at agonybooth.com]] '''

It is the year 2293 AD. A post-apocalyptic Earth is inhabited mostly by the "Brutals", simple soil-tilling serf types, who are in turn overseen by Exterminators (no, not [[DoctorWho Daleks]]), the chosen warrior class. The Exterminators worship the god Zardoz, a huge, flying, hollow stone head that dispenses weaponry and ammunition by the truckload. Zardoz teaches:

-->"''The gun is good. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life, and poisons the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals... Go forth and kill!''"

At this point, the movie starts making a lot ''less'' sense.

''Zardoz'' is neither a mindless sci-fi action movie nor a serious SF-as-ideas film ''a la'' Tarkovsky or Kubrick. It's... hard to describe, on account of it really doesn't make a lot of sense. Really. Even ''writer-director'' John Boorman, on the DVD commentary, openly admits at several points that he has no clue what's happening.

Still, some sort of plot description might help. One day, an Exterminator named Zed (a clearly embarrassed, pony-tailed SeanConnery wearing a red diaper) gets swept up into the hollow stone head and finds himself a prisoner... or test subject... or whatever... of the Eternals, an elite class who long ago discovered the secret to immortality and removed themselves from all that icky penis-having to the rarified heights. There to... er... stand around and dress in pastels a lot.

Not surprisingly, by the time Connery shows up, life is so meaningless that a new face, regardless of it belonging to a grunting guy in a nappy, is hailed as manna from heaven. Some, however, see him as a dangerous threat to their higher-being-ness. As it turns out, a lot of the Eternal scientists are female (including head honcho Charlotte Rampling) and he does have that '''''evil''''' penis, if the drift is clear.

So they argue all this for awhile. Then others start clamouring for Connery to kill them and end this awful tedium. After what seems like hours of more archly incoherent arguing, chasing, and crystal-gazing, the viewer knows just how they feel. The part where Connery dons a wedding dress may actually induce a need for medication.

So... he finally does kill them.They're ecstatic. And so is the audience, because that means the damn film must surely be...oh, wait, there's an epilogue showing Connery and Rampling having a kid, growing old, and dying! See, it's all come full circle! Whatever it was!

This movie is the result of Boorman trying to adapt ''TheLordOfTheRings''. While that project fell through, it apparently gave him enough ideas to make ''Zardoz''. Basically, a trippy dystopian fantasy that cribs a few more ideas from other sources (Huxley's Savage, Wells' Eloi and Morlocks, Moorcock's Jherek Carnelian), adds plenty of Philosophy 101 gobbledygook about Life and Death, some semi-naked babes, a bucket full of psychotropics, more topless women, random pretentious symbolism, did we mention the topless women, and hey presto! You end up with a movie like no other before or since. It's considered more 70's than ''That 70's Show''.
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!''Zardoz'' has examples of:

*AfterTheEnd: Apparently this takes place after a NuclearWar, though it's hard to believe nukes somehow had a hand in making this particular post-nuclear civilization.
* BodyHorror: In an (extremely) rare case of an effectively presented idea, the immortals punish the criminal by speed-aging the offender. The more you resist, the closer you get to endless senility... and, um, dressing in tuxedos. Sorry, don't ask, no clue on that one.
*TheCameo: Boorman appears as one of the Brutals that gets shot in the head.
*CargoCult
*CatchPhrase: ''The penis is '''evil'''.''
** ZARDOZ! ZARDOZ!
*{{Crossdresser}} : The Renagades need to get Zed away from rioting Eternals that want to kill him....so they dress him up in a wedding dress. It is exactly as awesome as you think Sean Connery in a wedding dress would be.
* CrystalSpiresAndTogas: Subverted, in that the film presets this as a {{Dystopia}}, too.
*CultClassic
*{{Dystopia}}
*DomedHometown
*EndingFatigue: It... just... doesn't... stop.
*[[{{ptitletw5d3hkxg2ld}} Everything's Better On Drugs]]
*ExecutiveMeddling: The movie studio forced Boorman to add a prologue to make the movie make more sense. Sadly, the guy doing the prologue looks like he's wearing a pair of boxers on his head and has facial hair drawn on with a marker. Amazingly, his little 4th wall breaking chat with the audience fails to make things any clearer. Especially the part where he promises us 'entertainment and amusement.'
*{{FanDisservice}}: Sean Connery's costume. '''Dear GOD''', Sean Connery's costume.
*FanService: In that very special 70's but-nudity-is-just-''natural'' sort of way.
*FantasticAesop: No, 'the penis is '''evil'''' does not count.
*HallOfMirrors: The Tabernacle.
*[[HeyitsThatVoice Hey It's That Voice!]]: May is played by Sara Kestelman, who voiced ''Kreia'' in KnightsOfTheOldRepublic, one of the most awesome Star Wars characters ever.
*InAWorld
*{{Jerkass}}: Friend
*MemeticMutation: Apparently something about the penis being '''evil''' or something.
*MindRape: This happens to both Zed and, of course, to the viewer.
*MindScrew: The whole movie, from beginning to end.
*{{Narm}}: A lot of the movie, but probably the height is when the Eternals sentence Friend to becoming old. "Renegade....RENEGADE..."
*NightmareFuel: Sean Connery in a wedding dress.
*OldShame: Connery took this role largely to avoid being typecast as James Bond. He got more than he bargained for.
*PlanetOfHats
*RevolversAreJustBetter: As noted, Zardoz is very big on this, to the extent that his version of 'showering blessings' involves automatic rifles.
*ScienceFiction
*SexIsEvil: Specifically, the penis is '''evil'''.
*ShoutOut: [[spoiler:By far the WEIRDEST shout out to ''TheWonderfulWizardOfOz'' ever.]]
*SlapSlapKiss: More or less the film's entire attitude to romance.
*{{Squick}}
*StrawFeminist: The future women (and possibly men) who speak constantly about how horrible and violent sex was, but at the same time, obviously want to get into Connery's [[strike:pants]] nappy. Not to mention that the penis is '''evil'''.
*ThisIsYourPremiseOnDrugs
*{{Trickster}}: Arthur Frayn
*TrueArtIsIncomprehensible: ''Zardoz'' is like a trainwreck unfolding before your eyes.
*TurnedAgainstTheirMasters
*TwistEnding: Zardoz is... [[spoiler:The Wi'''Zard''' of '''Oz''']]. Oh, how I wish I was making this up.
*WhatDoYouMeanItsNotSymbolic: It's not that it's lacking in symbols, no sir. It's just in dire need of a coherent plot to make the symbols to make any sense.
*WhatDoYouMeanItWasntMadeOnDrugs: Well... it was. The director has said as such.
*WhoWantsToLiveForever: The Eternals long ago succumbed to ennui.
*XanatosGambit: all events in the movie occurred exactly as Zardoz had wanted them to.
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By the way, did we mention that [[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment the penis is]] '''[[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment evil]]'''?
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