->''Sing, O muse, of the rage of Achilles, son of Peleus, that brought countless ills upon the Achaeans. Many a brave soul it sent hurrying to Hades; many a hero did it leave prey to dogs and vultures ...''

So begins ''TheIliad'', the oldest tale in western literature, attributed to Homer, the first author whose name is still remembered. There are older stories, perhaps including parts of the Bible, but they are anonymous, and their canonical form was not established until later.

''The Iliad'' starts in the ninth year of the Trojan War, when a quarrel among the Greek leaders ends with [[AchillesInHisTent Achilles sulking in his tent]]. His [[HoYay best]] friend (and in some versions, [[KissingCousins cousin]]), Patroclus, dresses in his armour, and goes out to fight in his place, but is killed by Hector. Furious, Achilles charges into battle, kills Hector and [[KickTheDog desecrates]] [[NightmareFuel his corpse]], then stages an elaborate funeral for Patroclus, which ends with a sports contest. The epic ends with King Priam visiting Achilles in his tent to ask for the return of Hector's body to give his son proper funeral rites. Moved, Achilles apologizes to Priam and complies to the old king's request.

Along the way, there are many epic fights, and {{flashback}}s to the causes of the war.

->''Sing to me of the man, Muse, the man of twists and turns driven time and time and again off course, once he had plundered the hallowed heights of Troy...''

''TheOdyssey'', a sequel of sorts to ''The Iliad'', also begins at the end of the story. It tells the story of Telemachus, Odysseus' son, manning up and taking his home back from [[OneHundredAndEight 108]] suitors who were attempting to seduce his mother, and Odysseus'...odyssey back home from the Trojan war. Odysseus' story is told in flashback, and is long. He pretty much flitted around a whole bunch of islands, had sex, blinded Poseidon's son, had sex, chilled with Circe, had sex, went to Hades, chilled with Calypso, [[OverlyLongGag had sex]], and cried on a rock. Telemachus meets up with Odysseus, and the two of them massacre the suitors and the story ends with a lovely [[DuesExMachina gift of aid]] from Athena.

The author himself was most certainly illiterate, and probably blind as well, which may explain why peoples' livers fall out while blood stains their chests, how people break swords in two over the heads of others, and how they slice off limbs and heads (and sometimes, heads in two) with the ease of a [[StarWars lightsaber.]] Homer memorized both ''TheIliad'' and ''TheOdyssey'', and probably changed the story each time he told it. There are some historians who believe that Homer was not the poet, and that both ''TheIliad'' and ''TheOdyssey'' were written either by a woman or a Jewish man.

And no, not [[TheSimpsons that Homer.]]
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