->''"Ah well, beats doing witless protection."''
-->-- '''Podcast/{{Rifftrax}}''', referring to fighting SelfDemonstrating/TheJoker

The United States Department of Justice has a Witness Protection Program, in which a person [[HeKnowsTooMuch who has given significant information]] about someone who is wanted for crimes is given a new identity in a new location. It may be used in the case of an innocent party who testified against, say, a member of TheMafia, but is often used to protect a member of organized crime who has done a HeelFaceTurn and testified for the government in court. To keep said witness from becoming either part of the concrete used to rebuild Exit 72 on the New Jersey Turnpike, or the main ingredient in Bark-O Dog Food, the Federal government provides them with a new place to live and a new identity.

This operation will be very expensive, and the party who has been granted relocation will be subject to significant restrictions. Usually, they will not be allowed contact with anyone from their past, may be required to change occupations, or have to do other things to protect their new identity from discovery by those who might harm them. If they cause their cover to be broken, it is extremely likely they will not receive a new one.

Once the person goes in, it's basically a one-way trip; there is no connection between them and their previous life. If they are wanted for crimes or leave behind debts prior to going into the program, they will not be reachable. The Justice Department has even told the IRS to get lost for the collection of unpaid taxes by someone who went into the program. So far, not a single person who has entered the US Federal Witness Protection program and followed all the rules properly has ever been killed (although the same cannot be said for people who don't follow the rules).

This idea can be used in fiction in a number of ways:
* If the protagonist goes into witness protection, expect focus on the hardships of the program. Frequently they were an innocent who has had to turn their life upside down because of someone else who is a threat to them; often they lost a loved one to the people they had to run away from (which may be why they were testifying in the first place).
* If it's someone the protagonist knows, it's a convenient way to have them PutOnABus and lose all contact with the rest of the cast without actually killing them. Similarly, you can expect copious {{Angst}} about losing someone they cared about to witness protection (like a boyfriend or girlfriend losing their lover who follows his or her family into the program).
* It can also be approached from the other end: the protagonists start digging into someone's background, discover that it looks suspiciously fabricated and dig deeper under the assumption that they're a bad egg, and find themselves on the wrong end of a "back off" lecture from a US Marshal.
* The protectee might just blow the whole thing off and DitchTheBodyguards, leading to exactly the kind of dangerous escapades everyone was trying to avoid in the first place.

Some states provide a similar (but less comprehensive, obviously) program for witnesses to state crimes. Other countries also have similar programs.

If someone starts over themselves, without government assistance, they are StartingANewLife.

A number of films have used the premise of witness protection, either as a story RippedFromTheHeadlines, a TrueStory or total fiction. The trope can be used dramatically, or for comedy.



[[folder:Anime & Manga]]
* FBI agent Jodie Starling in ''Manga/DetectiveConan'' grew up in Witness Protection. She offered it to Ai Haibara as well, but was turned down.

[[folder:Film -- Animated]]
* A similar program re-locates superheroes who reveal themselves in ''WesternAnimation/TheIncredibles''.

[[folder:Film -- Live-Action]]
* ''Film/HideInPlainSight'' - A man is attempting to find his daughter, who went with her mother and step-father after his ex-wife's new husband leaves organized crime and goes into Witness Protection.
* ''Film/BreakingPoint'' - a man who goes into Witness Protection decides to respond when criminals murder the boyfriend his daughter had to leave behind.
* ''Film/{{Goodfellas}}'' - organized crime member goes into Witness Protection after testifying against his former associates. The last lines are him whining about how it's such a comedown, never mind all the disgusting things he did as a wiseguy. Ironically, the wiseguy the movie was based on (Henry Hill) invalidated his Witness Protection because he couldn't resist bragging about being the guy in the movie.
* ''Film/LethalWeapon2'' - Cops have to watch and protect a guy who ripped millions off from the mob before he testifies, then gets to disappear into Witness Protection with the money he swiped.
* ''Film/SisterAct'' - After witnessing a mob hit, a singer is placed in witness protection in a convent. Things get complicated when her work in the choir leads to her being filmed on TV... or the fact that there's a [[DirtyCop cop on the take]] who has been giving the mob the location of witnesses, leading to at least one murder. [[spoiler: The leak is plugged, but not before Dolores is found by the mob and kidnapped.]]
* ''Film/{{Eraser}}''. Creator/ArnoldSchwarzenegger is the titular US Marshal whose job it is to make those in the federal Witness Protection Program disappear, as far as the world of the witness is concerned.
* ''Our Lips Are Sealed'', a Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen movie, has this as the premise. Basically, Mary Kate and Ashley witness a bank robbery taking place; the bank robbers threaten them, or MK&A/the government has reason to believe that they'll come back to try and remove the witnesses to their crime. So MK&A and their family go into Witness Protection and eventually end up in Australia, running a bed and breakfast. (They stop at several states along the way, including Utah, and accidentally blow their cover rather spectacularly each time. In Utah, though, it's deliberate; they're under cover as Amish, and the girls [[AsideGlance just look at each other]] and then shout to everyone in hearing distance "We're in the Witness Protection Program!" Then they get told that this is the last chance they have, and are moved to Australia.) The rest of the movie is about the girls trying to assimilate into Australian culture, adopting a baby kangaroo, and trying to evade the bank robbers when they finally show up in Australia. At the end of the movie, the bank robbers are apprehended, and the girls are given the option to return to the life they used to know; they prefer to stay, but admit their real identities to their new friends, now that the danger's over.
* ''Film/{{Bullitt}}'' starts off with the titular cop being assigned to one of these. [[spoiler:It's his team's failure to keep the "witness" from getting killed that drives the plot for the rest of the film.]]
* Spoofed in ''Witless Protection'', with Film/LarryTheCableGuy.
* ''Film/SnakesOnAPlane'' - The Hawaiian mob boss puts said snakes on said plane to kill a witness, because he'd "Tried everything else!"
* in the film ''Film/MobstersAndMormons'' a family of three (with mob/mafia connections) is relocated to Utah. Hilarity ensues as they try to fit in, and deal with the overly friendly neighbors.
* ''Film/DonnieBrasco'' went into this after the events detailed in the movie. Al Pacino's character in RealLife was very surprised and very, very pissed when "Donnie" walked into the courtroom to testify under his real name, FBI agent Joseph D. Pistone. Eventually the agent was able to return to his normal life after the Fed's managed to get the Mob to call off the hit on him.
* ''Film/MyBlueHeaven'' has Creator/SteveMartin as Vinnie Antonelli, a former New York mobster who enters Witness Protection and is relocated to a California suburb. Vinnie ''hates'' California (but not as much as his wife, who quickly leaves him) and is a constant PITA for his handler Barney (Creator/RickMoranis): Vinnie finds that a lot of his former associates who also entered Witness Protection have been relocated to the same place and they start running scams again because every one of them finds suburban life dull; Barney has to pull the Federal Agent card to get Vinnie out of jail when he inevitably gets arrested. Vinnie also evades Barney when they go back to New York so Vinnie can testify; this winds up almost getting Vinnie killed. As you might guess from the stars, all of this is played for laughs, and by the end of the movie Vinnie and Barney are best friends (both of them are remarried, and Vinnie seems happy enough to be in California by then).
* ''Film/DidYouHearAboutTheMorgans?'', a film with Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant, is about a Manhattan couple who witness a murder, and are sent to Wyoming for witness protection.
* In the end of ''Film/WereTheMillers'', the protagonists end up in witness protection, still posing as a family.
* ''Film/BirdOnAWire'' starts with the witness's ex-girlfriend accidentally meeting him, recognizing him and blowing his cover. After 15 years of hiding and no less than 3 false identities. While on the run, they revisit his previous lives. The metaphor in the title and the theme song means that the witness that touches his previous life may die like a bird that touches two live wires.
* The titular character in ''{{Film/Fresh}}'' gets himself and his sister into this program, and more importantly, out of the CrapsackWorld of his crime-ridden ghetto. [[spoiler: What this barely-teenaged boy isn't telling the cops is that he engineered all the crimes he witnessed himself to PayEvilUntoEvil.]]
* In ''Film/StargateContinuum'', when a time-displaced SG-1 ends up on an alternate Earth where the Stargate Program never existed and have no way to return to their own timeline, the US Government places them in Witness Protection once they figure out what's going on. This is not out of concern for their safety, but out of the fact that they need fabricated identities in order to not conflict with their alternate timeline selves.

* The premise of both ''Literature/IAmTheCheese'' and ''Zach's Lie''. The former's protagonist learns about it as a young teenager [[spoiler:and the bad guys manage to kill his parents anyways, causing him to go crazy and have a hallucinatory VisionQuest that comprises [[CruelTwistEnding about half of the book]]]], while the latter's enters the program at about the same age.
* Although done under the CIA instead of the [=DoJ=], in the ''Literature/JackRyan'' novels, several Soviet defectors are given new identities.
** The captain of the ''[[Literature/TheHuntForRedOctober Red October]]'', for example, goes from "Marko Ramius" to "Mark Ramsey", with Ryan internally reasoning that the names are similar so Ramius is more likely to remember his cover identity.
** Also happens in ''Without Remorse'', to the man who would become John Clark. He gets to keep a love interest.
* ''Hush'' by Jacqueline Woodson is about Toswiah Green, a girl who ends up in witness protection after her father testifies against a criminal and his life is in danger.
* One Tim Dorsey novel featured a man in Witness Protection who reported a possible lead to a kidnapping and was promptly lionized by the press against his wishes when it played out. The people he was hiding from recognized him in the news and came after him and his son.
* In ''Discworld/TheTruth'', Lord Vetinari mentions having to arrange witness protection for a ''parrot'', currently living under a false identity as a large budgerigar.
* In "Don't Look Behind You" April Corrigan and her family are placed in the program after her father testifies against a notorious drug dealer.
* This is key to Creator/EoinColfer's ''Literature/{{WARP}}'' series. W.A.R.P. is actually "Witness Anonymous Relocation Program," which has the fantastic premise of hiding its subjects with the use of time travel to displace them in time. Thing is, time travel has a lot of problems that haven't really been hashed out and everything ends up falling apart.

[[folder:Live-Action TV]]
* In ''Series/{{Smallville}}'', Chloe goes into witness protection and to a safe house as she is going to testify against [[BigBad Lionel Luthor]]. [[spoiler:She is promptly blown into a million pieces upon arrival.[[note]] [[LikeYouWouldReallyDoIt Not really.]][[/note]]]]
* In the television show ''Series/CapeWrath'', the protagonists are moved to a town seemingly inhabited solely by those in witness protection, and the secrets they all hold serve to be an important plot device.
* The TV show ''Series/InPlainSight'' features U.S. Marshals involved in this program and the various plights of their charges.
* ''Series/MyNameIsEarl''
** Darnell "Crabman" Turner is in this, and as soon as he gets spotted on TV by the entire country, he gets lifted with his family and vanishes.
** In a case of artistic license, Joy manipulates the system by blowing her family's cover ''numerous'' times until she gets to live the life she's always wanted (a trophy wife in a gated community). She soon finds it to be a case of BeCarefulWhatYouWishFor, because with her trailer trash past, she has a tough time fitting in with the other women.
* In ''Series/TheSopranos'', while looking at colleges with his daughter, Tony Soprano comes across a former member of the Mob who'd turned State's Evidence and gone into the witness protection program. Needless to say, the informer doesn't survive the experience.
* Used in ''Series/{{Bones}}'', Brennan's parents went into it, as did the man that killed her mother.
** The man that killed Christian was in Witness Protection, but got kicked out after the murder was revealed. The Brennan family wasn't in Witness Protection. [[spoiler:They went on the run after Max and Christina found evidence of FBI agents killing an honest agent and framing a Civil Rights Activist during a bank robbery. One of the corrupt agents later became Booth's boss's boss. He used that position to track Bones and Booth's attempts to find Max, murder the man that murdered Christina (so he couldn't rat out the corrupt agents), and threaten Russ and Bones. Max killed him, but was later found not guilty ]]
* ''Series/{{Wiseguy}}''. Undercover cop John Henry Raglin advises a participant in the Garment Industry case to go into the Witness Protection Program. When she asks Raglin (who's posing as a mob enforcer) how come he knows so much about it, Raglin jokes, "Half my relatives are in it."
* One of the victims of the week in an early ''Series/{{House}}'' episode is a mobster who is being prepped for this. It's this revelation that enable's that episode's EurekaMoment.
* In ''Series/TwentyFour'', Jonas Hodges is supposed to be sent into witness protection - but an assassin gets to him first.
* ''Series/TheWire'': the complete and total failure of Baltimore's local witness protection program is a major, recurring plot point.
** In Season 1, Wallace agrees to testify against the Barksdale gang, but the best that the Major Crimes Unit can do is for Cedric Daniels to drop him off at his Grandmother's house in the country. He gets bored, wanders back into the city to hang out with his friends, and is murdered.
** In Season 4, Tommy Carcetti wins the Mayoral election thanks to manipulation of the bad press surrounding the murder of a state's witness. The kicker is that the guy was actually killed by a ricochet from dumbass drunks shooting bottles.
-->'''Ed Norris:''' So our guy's dead because a bullet misses a bleach bottle, and this fuck Carcetti gets to be the mayor behind the stupidity. I fucking love this town.
* An episode of ''Series/CriminalMinds'' had it turn out that one of the victims was in witness protection, along with her father, an ex-mob enforcer. Who goes on a RoaringRampageOfRevenge once he discovers where his daughter is being held.
** This is the InUniverse reason given for Hotch's departure from the team early in season 12, as Dr. Scratch, the current BigBad, had [[AdultFear started stalking his son.]][[note]] This was written in to cover Thomas Gibson's firing from the series early into the season's filming[[/note]]
* ''Series/Daredevil2015'': Sgt. Brett Mahoney puts Karen Page under police protection in a hotel after the Blacksmith's men shoot at her in her apartment. The police protection only ends up being a patrol car parked outside, and Karen ends up slipping out to meet with Frank Castle through the parking garage. After the Blacksmith's boat is blown up, Brett mentions to Karen that the cops assigned to protect her have been reassigned to crossing guard duty in Yonkers (the city just north of the Bronx).
* One episode of ''Series/{{Flashpoint}}'' had a little girl and her parents go into the Witness Protection program after the girl had seen a group of men murdering her friend's family (including her friend) when she was at a sleepover. However, despite remaining hidden for months, the killers (themselves dirty cops) managed to find them because they bribed a cop into telling their location.
* In ''Series/{{Warehouse 13}}'', it's eventually revealed that [[spoiler:Claudia's on-again, off-again boyfriend Todd]] is in witness protection; between this and the {{Masquerade}} surrounding the Warehouse, they each spend most of an episode being incredibly suspicious of the other until they simultaneously confront each other and realize that neither one actually knows anything about the other's secrets. [[spoiler:Once they learn about their respective secrets, Todd immediately gets PutOnABus with yet another new identity.]]
* In the season 1 finale of ''Series/{{Castle}}'', the victim is a plastic surgeon who did a [[MagicPlasticSurgery face alteration]] on a mob witness going into protection. Castle and Beckett have to convince the FBI to let them have access to the witness, and they eventually end up effectively using the witness as bait to catch the killer.
** [[RealityEnsues This actually gets them in trouble with the Marshals]] since [[spoiler: the killer was following them and attacked the witness after he was interviewed by Castle and Beckett]].
* There's a ''Series/VeronicaMars'' episode where Keith is hired to track someone down; he eventually figures out that his target is in witness protection and his clients are Russian mobsters.
* In the ''Series/{{Monk}}'' episode, "Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever", Monk witnesses a Chinese gangland murder and enters protective custody in the worst of places (for Monk)...nature!
* ''Series/StarskyAndHutch'': In "Targets Without A Badge", Starsky finds a woman who crosses his path oddly familiar; it develops that she's a friend from childhood, supposedly dead in a car crash, who had actually gone into witness protection with her parents.
* On ''Series/LawAndOrderSpecialVictimsUnit'', [[spoiler:ADA Alex Cabot]] is put into Witness Protection for her testimony against an assassin.
* On ''Series/SonsOfAnarchy'', the gang is forced to intimidate a young girl in Witness Protection to keep her from testifying against the gang. One group of bikers wants to kill her outright, the other [[EvenEvilHasStandards considers that too much]], and it nearly ends in a shootout.
* ''Series/TheMentalist'': In "Red Sauce", the CBI's murder investigation gets a lot more complicated when the victim, who worked at a local video arcade, turns out to be a mob informant in witness protection.
* An old boyfriend of Juliet's is in the program in the ''Series/{{Psych}}'' episode "A Very Juliet Episode".
* The victim in the ''Series/RizzoliAndIsles'' episode "Don't Stop Dancing, Girl" was in witness protection, but someone from her past hunted her down.
* ''Series/MacGyver1985'' helped get someone into witness protection. Two episodes deal with this character, "The Eraser" and "Back from the Dead".
* Gary goes into witness protection in the ''Series/EarlyEdition'' episode "In Gary We Trust".
* Ellen, an old friend of Neal's, is revealed to be in witness protection in the season three finale of ''Series/WhiteCollar''.
** Then in the fourth season, it's revealed that [[spoiler:Neal himself grew up in Witness Protection, along with his mother and Ellen.]]
* A witness to a crime doesn't want to testify because they are in witness protection in an episode of ''Series/{{JAG}}''.
* A suspect in a murder investigation is about to enter witness protection in the ''Series/{{NCIS}}'' episode "Nine Lives".
* ''Series/TheHardyBoysNancyDrewMysteries'' episode, "Creatures Who Came On Sunday", revolves around a secret installation of the Federal Witness Protection Program. The Hardys soon blow all that out of the water, endangering quite a few people, and barely get off with a lecture at the end -- though in the course of the episode, they get ''three'' "back-off" speeches, ''including one from the BigBad trying to track a witness down.''
* Flack has to work with a witness he earlier had put into witness protection in one ''Series/{{CSI NY}}'' episode, and prevent the scenario from going down the tubes completely.
* Rose's recurring boyfriend in ''Series/TheGoldenGirls'' was in witness protection. He thought he was free when it was announced that the guy who was after him was dead, but he turned up alive and Miles had to leave to take a new identity. Later, he returned because he was desperate to see Rose again, and in the process, the other guy is arrested, freeing him for real.
* ''Witness Protection'' was a made-for-TV cable film that dramatized the program.
* ''Series/TheDukesOfHazzard'': One episode featured a newcomer whose land Boss Hogg wanted to buy. The problem was that the newcomer was under the trope.
* ''Series/{{Delocated}}'' is a parody RealityShow about a man who is in the witness protection program. He wears a ski mask and voice harmonizer at all times to hide his identity, despite having his entire life filmed for television. The Russian mob is also still targeting him the entire time.
* ''Series/BarneyMiller'' had to deal with a serial reoffender in the program that was being held by the officers. His federal minder showed up and got him off (it was relatively minor offenses), and delivered a powerful threat to him.
-->One more time, and we're transferring you to Kansas. You know what's in Kansas? ''Wheat.''
* ''Series/ShortlandStreet'' had Justine Jones faking her death and going off to witness protection in Sydney so she could testify against dodgy pharmaceutical company Scott Spear. Her status ends up blown by Brooke Freeman, but it's of no matter as the Whitetails end up giving themselves away.
* At the end of the ''Series/MurdochMysteries'' episode "The Black Hand", Murdoch explains to Anna Fulford that she needs to leave Toronto because the Black Hand has a contract on her [[spoiler: for the theft of counterfeit money her fiancé committed]]. He gives her a manila envelope with the details of a new life and background for her, telling her they cannot have further contact. She doesn't stay gone, but returns to work as a librarian in Toronto in the two-parter "Stroll on the Wild Side", and Murdoch is aghast when he recognizes her. Eventually, the Black Hand proves to be back in the person of Mr. Falcone, and she has to disappear [[DeathFakedForYou more permanently this time]].
* ''Series/HouseOfCardsUS'': Lucas Goodwin, incarcerated by Frank Underwood's manipulations, manages to get himself into a program with information on the Armenian mob. But it's merely to get himself out of jail, since Lucas immediately sneaks his way to Heather Dunbar's campaign trying to convince someone that he's not crazy. That fails, so Lucas subsequently tries to assassinate Frank at a rally, only succeeding in crippling Frank and killing one Secret Service agent before being gunned down himself.
* ''Series/BlueBloods'': In "Power Players," ADA Erin Reagan and her investigator Alex [=McBride=] have to bring a witness out of Witness Protection to testify against a mob boss in a murder trial.
* ''Series/DCIBanks'': In "The Buried", Banks and his team are baffled when a murder victim seems to have no history before five years ago. He turns out to be in the witness protection program. His new location was uncovered when he was photographed running a marathon in his new identity and the photo ran in the newspaper.
* ''Series/{{Lilyhammer}}'': Protagonist Frank Tagliano's boss is murdered, and his new boss betrays him. Disgruntled, Tagliano turns in his boss and gets enrolled into witness protection. Tagliano remembers Norway to be peaceful and beautiful from having watched the Lillehammer '94 winter olympics on TV, so he requests to be transferred there. HilarityEnsues as Tagliano basically ends up becoming a tough, ruthless mobster surrounded by polite, soft-spoken people.

* As a sort of precursor to this, God's Law in ''Literature/TheBible'' has Unintentional Manslayer Protection, as it provides such a person protection from the "avenger of blood" for unintentional deaths by having that person remain in a designated "city of refuge" until the death of the high priest. Three such cities were set up on the east side of the Jordan in the territory occupied by the tribes of Reuben, Gad, and the eastern half of Manasseh, while three more cities were set up on the other side in the land of Canaan occupied by the other nine-and-a-half tribes.

[[folder:Video Games]]
* [[VideoGame/GrandTheftAutoV Michael De Santa]] (previously Michael Townley) was placed in the witness protection program with his wife and two kids after getting caught robbing a bank and then ratting on his friends. Years later, Trevor, one of the friends he ratted on, (who thought he was dead; there was a funeral and everything,) discovers that Michael is still alive after Michael gets back into crime and uses his CatchPhrase at a jewelry heist.
** Subverted, however, as Michael and his family are in an informal witness protection program, as no one in the FBI except Agent Norton, and later Agent Haines, knows that they are in it either. Michael cut a deal with Norton beforehand to fake his death while turning over his partners, while Norton got a career boost for "killing" Michael Townley.
* Midway through ''VideoGame/GrandTheftAutoViceCityStories'', Jerry Martinez goes into witness protection to cover his ass after the Vance Brothers hijack a major drug shipment he was overseeing for [[TheCartel the Mendez Cartel]]. Which is convenient for the Vances, since it made it easy for them to frame Martinez as an undercover DEA agent stealing the shipment for himself to save their own asses from the Mendez'.
* Subverted in at least one of ''VideoGame/{{Discworld}}'' games: an ad for "witness relocation program" offers relocating witnesses to the bottom of the river.

[[folder:Web Comics]]
* In ''WebComic/KevinAndKell'', the bird conspiracy had a "witness relocation program", but it was used to silence witnesses, making them disappear and work for the conspiracy. They were all [[LaserGuidedAmnesia mind-wiped]] and released on New Year in 2000.

[[folder:Web Original]]
* There's a creepypasta floating around about a girl who finds out that her father escaped from the mob by going into witness protection after witnessing a neighboring family being murdered by the mob and they killed his wife in retaliation, [[SubvertedTrope except]] [[spoiler: it's all a massive lie on his part. He murdered her real parents and kidnapped her to raise her as his own. She turns him in to the police at the end.]]

[[folder:Western Animation]]
* When ''WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons'' became the Thompsons, complete with large-lettered shirts reading "WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM".
* An early episode of ''WesternAnimation/FamilyGuy'' had Chris witness a robbery, which gets the family sent to a particularly horrible example of TheDeepSouth.
* The Falcone family in ''WesternAnimation/FuggetAboutIt'' were once a prominent New York mobster family until Jimmy accidentally killed the Don. The Falcones then had to enter the witness protection program to escape mob retaliation and end up living in Regina, Manitoba.
* In ''WesternAnimation/{{Futurama}}'', Bender goes into witness protection after witnessing the robot mafia beat up Calculon for money owed. The crew appear to find him living as a hick farmer on the moon, whom the mob then murders. [[spoiler:Only for the real Bender to appear in a pizzeria across the street, but he can return home now that the Donbot thinks he's dead]].
* The Paramount Modern Madcap "Disguise The Limit" has an elephant who collides with Mike the Masquerader, a master-of-disguise crook who has just robbed a bank. The police keep the elephant under the witness protection program until Mike is captured and can be identified since the mythos is that elephants never forget. Mike uses various disguises to dispatch of the elephant, all unsuccessful. When Mike shows himself, the elephant doesn't recognize him. Mike intones, "Don't you remember me bumping into you when I robbed that bank?", which the elephant captured on a tape recorder he keeps because he actually has a lousy memory.