-->''Yep, these are my readers.''
[[quoteright:260:http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/Bill-Simmons_6247.jpg]]
Bill Simmons is [[http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/simmons/index The Sports Guy]], known for his pop-culture-reference-laden columns about current events in sports. He started out writing columns as the "Boston Sports Guy" in 1997, which were successful enough to attract the attention of ESPN; they hired him to write for their "Page 2" section in 2001, where he stayed until the summer of 2011, when he moved to the website [[http://www.grantland.com/ Grantland]], an ESPN-owned off-shoot blog staffed by a number of noted sports and pop culture writers, including several you wouldn't expect to write about sports (''Dave Eggers''?), of which he also serves as editor-in-chief. Since 2007, he's also hosted a regular {{podcast}} called ''The B.S. Report''.

Simmons is a native of Boston, and as such is a massive fan of Boston's sports teams (especially the Red Sox and Celtics), but moved to Los Angeles in 2002; he has since started rooting for the [[ButtMonkey Clippers]] in basketball and (during the 2011 lockout) the [[ButtMonkey Kings]] in hockey.

Simmons has also written two books, ''Now I Can Die In Peace'' (about the Boston Red Sox' 2004 World Series championship) and ''The Book of Basketball'' (which is [[ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin a book of Simmons' opinions on basketball]]). He was also a writer for ''Jimmy Kimmel Live'' for a time, served as executive producer for ESPN's ''30 for 30'' documentaries, and, as of 2012, serves as a panelist for ''NBA Countdown'' on ABC and ESPN.
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!! Tropes named by Bill Simmons:
* TheTysonZone
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!! This creator provides examples of:
* AlternateHistory: He ''loves'' speculating about alternate sports histories. To the point where it's nearly a OnceAnEpisode theme.
* BitingTheHandHumor: Simmons is not above taking his employer to task for gaffes and errors on their part. He also mentions his criticisms of certain ESPN colleagues, but doesn't disclose who they would be for fear of reprisal:
-->'''[[http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/chat/060712 Chris Berman (Bristol, Conn):]]''' [[Memes/{{Sports}} You're with me, Sports Guy.]]\\
'''Bill Simmons:''' ''(Trying to fight off 100,000 bolts of electric current ...)''
* CatchPhrase: "Yup, these are my readers." at the end of his mailbag columns, always in response to a series of letters that reveals how obsessive or bizzare his fans are.
** "I will now light myself on fire" when having to admit an unpleasant truth he doesn't like (e.g., admitting Kobe Bryant, star player for the Los Angeles Lakers and someone Simmons actively dislikes, was the [[http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/060414&campaign=rss&source=ESPNHeadlines 2006 NBA MVP]]). Exchange "light myself on fire" for any number of physically painful actions.
** "(Nodding)", which he uses mostly in mailbags when he agrees with an e-mail but has nothing to add to it.
** "(Searching for a comeback)", for mailbag mails that zing him really hard.
* ConspiracyTheorist: He cannot help but come off as this with crazy theories as to what is really going on behind the scenes in sports; his two most recurrent ones being that David Stern rigged the 1985 NBA Draft Lottery so that Patrick Ewing would wind up in New York, and that Michael Jordan did not decide to voluntarily retire to play baseball after the 1993 finals, but was instead secretly suspended by Stern for gambling.
* CreatorProvincialism: A common complaint about him is "homerism", and he admits that is too favoring of Boston. To the point that [[http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7883334/the-footnote-title here]] he takes a few shots at himself along with every passionate mention to the Celtics.
* CrouchingMoronHiddenBadass: The "Irrational Confidence Guy" theory is that he's "the guy who isn't one of the team's best players, but he'll have stretches in which he THINKS he is." In other words, he's an otherwise average player who will catch fire in big moments and carry his team. He called Robert Horry the scariest Irrational Confidence Guy ever, because you never wanted to see him on the court with 30 seconds left in a tight playoff game.
* CutHisHeartOutWithASpoon: Readers sometimes get ''extremely'' angry when he "jinxes" their team somehow. [[http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7536111/the-half-bag-super-bag One Boston fan]] threatened him to kill him in his sleep, bury him in a Kobe jersey with "This is our country" on an infinite loop in his coffin, raise his daughter to play in the WNBA and his son to root for the Lakers, etc. The guy even wrote in ''a second time'' because he forgot some things!
* DespairEventHorizon: His "[[http://proxy.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/020528 Levels of Losing]]" column, in which he broke down how bad a loss feels to the team's fans afterwards.
* DisproportionateRetribution: His [[http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/040720&num=0 Vengeance Scale]] article, rated from 0.1 (OJ's attempt to find "the real killers.") to 10.0 ([[TheUsualSuspects Keyser Soze]].)
* EveryEpisodeEnding: Every mailbag ends with an odd letter to which Simmons only replies, [[CatchPhrase "Yup, these are my readers."]] Sometimes he'll run a few runners-up immediately before and note that he's "in range."
* {{Fanboy}}: Simmons doesn't hide his biases. The misconception that he's a journalist (he's not - he's a columnist whose job is to express his opinion, not report the news) leads many readers to be annoyed by this.
** He often lampshades how much of a homer he is for Boston sports. He's recently taken to calling himself a "[[TheSimpsons homersexual]]".
* FanonDiscontinuity: [[{{In-universe}} Bill thinks this]] of ''TheNextKarateKid'' and ''Film/RockyV''.
* FootnoteFever: There are 50 to 100 footnotes in ''each chapter'' of ''The Book of Basketball''.
** And with the launch of Grantland, even his ''internet columns'' have footnotes.
** [[http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/6855994/revenge Lampshade]] [[LampshadeHanging hung]].
** This should come as no surprise, as Bill was influenced by Creator/DavidFosterWallace--who incidentally is one of the few major literary figures to do sportswriting (Wallace wrote a lot about tennis), along with HunterSThompson.
* FullNameBasis: Bernard Karmell Pollard. Bill uses his full name because [[GunmanWithThreeNames it makes him sound like an assassin]].[[note]] Pollard is a journeyman defensive player who has, by chance, injured ''four'' separate Patriot offensive superstars and was the last player to ever tackle Aaron Hernandez.[[/note]] After Pollard injured Stevan Ridley enroute to beating the Patriots in the 2012 AFC Championship game, Simmons devoted an entire mailbag to Boston fans ranting about him. Simmons publicly sighed with relief when Pollard signed with a team that doesn't play New England in 2013.
* GameOfNerds: Kind of. He wrote about being introduced to new statistical analysis methods in baseball and basketball, but he doesn't fully accept the new concepts that challenge conventional wisdom. For example, he still thinks stats like RBI's and pitcher W-L record are meaningful.
** And back when she wrote her opinion, his wife the Sports Gal would call her husband and his buddies' fantasy league The League of Dorks for this and other reasons.
* GuestHost: Simmons has served as a replacement for Michael Wilbon on ''Series/PardonTheInterruption'' for a handful of episodes.
* HypocriticalHumor: #8 on his [[http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/100129&sportCat=nfl list of sports' most tortured teams]] is the New York Knicks. His additionall comments:
-->"Slowly becoming the pre-2004 Red Sox of basketball. Right down to the 45 shameless writers who would release a quickie book if the Knicks ever turned things around and won a title. Wait, I think I just made fun of myself."
* INeedAFreakingDrink: Or rather, "[[http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7033950/a-running-diary-game-162 Daddy needs another drink]]" (scroll down to 8:45 PM), in reaction to the final game of the 2011 Red Sox collapse.
* NeverLiveItDown: Invoked in his columns. Apparently, he hasn't totally recovered from The Catch by David Tyree or Tom Brady's crippling knee injury in the NFL 2008 season and reminds himself of these events by ocassion either by a footnote or with a passing mention.
** He was caught in the background of a picture on rival site CNNSI.com checking his Blackberry while Blake Griffin lay down a thunderous dunk. He even had some AndThenJohnWasAZombie stress about potentially becoming the distracted UsefulNotes/LosAngeles fan he always hated in Boston.
** He refuses to let the Oklahoma City Thunder off the hook for their disastrous James Harden trade, which he believes kept them from a potential dynasty.
* NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer: Mailbags usually have a note stating that it consists of "actual emails from actual readers." Sometimes he'll insert one from himself anyway.
* OldShame: The Sports Guy cartoon that ran on ESPN.com during 2004-05 is generally treated like this by Simmons in his columns and podcasts.
* OlympicGames: Traveled to London to [[http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/8213326/grantland-2012-summer-olympics cover the 2012 edition]] in his typical style.
* OneOfUs: This is a guy who ''computed the stat lines'' of Michael J. Fox and his teammates' basketball games in ''Film/TeenWolf''. One of us? He might be ''worse'' than us!
* PromotedFanboy: He was formerly a bartender before ascending to ESPN's premier comedy writer.
* QuoteMine: He was quote mined to promote the film ''Film/LoneSurvivor'', which he and Cousin Sal found absolutely hilarious.
* RubberBandAI: Simmons coined the phrase "No F***ing Way Game" to describe a common manifestation of this trope in ''VideoGame/MaddenNFL''.
* RunningGag:
** He continues to bring up Kobe's 6-for-24 shooting performance in game 7 of the 2010 NBA Finals (over his Celtics), which "earned" Kobe the Finals MVP award.
** Every week during the NFL season, he and Jimmy Kimmel Live writer "Cousin Sal" Sal Iacono guess the initial gambling lines for the upcoming games that week. Early in the 2010 season, Simmons began to heap praise on Tampa Bay Buccaneers starting quarterback Josh Freeman, claiming that he was a quarterback you could build a franchise around. Ever since Week 6 of that season, Sal has taken time during the recording of these podcasts to 'play a voicemail' left by Simmons on Sal's phone praising Josh Freeman, which is in fact Sal doing an over-the-top imitation of Simmons's voice and writing style. In 2011, these segments became more intricate, often including sound effects and involving other subjects. The Week 10 2011 edition of this 'voicemail' was so over-the-top it was even edited out of the released podcast, revealed days later on twitter to have involved 'Simmons' being raped in the YMCA sauna by Jerry Sandusky before hanging up.
*** Freeman's sophomore slump in 2011 led to his eventually being replaced as the subject of the phone calls by then Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow.
*** At the beginning of the 2012 season, Tebow has been replaced with Seahawks quarterback "Hustle Bustle Man Muscle" Russell Wilson.
* SelfDeprecation: Simmons is not above putting insulting e-mails he's recieved in his mailbag columns, and even agreeing with some of them.
* ShockingDefeatLegacy: He often mentions [[TheChewToy tortured]] [[ButtMonkey teams]] [[EveryYearTheyFizzleOut and cities]], given growing up in Boston meant he faced a lot of this (though it got better recently, all four majors won at least one title). Also, the pinnacle of Levels of Losing, "That Game" - which originally referred to the Red Sox suffering an unbelievable turnover at Game 6 of the 1986 World Series; then, the Minnesota Vikings suffering a similar one in 2010 [[http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/100129&sportCat=nfl made him reconsider its uniqueness]], stating that Level 1 is "harrowing defeat with catchy nickname by long-time loser".
* ShoutOut: Is a massive fan of 80's films like ''TheKarateKid'', ''Film/TeenWolf'', and the ''Franchise/{{Rocky}}'' series as well as ''Series/TheWire''. He makes constant reference to them and even sometimes organizes his columns around scenes or quotes from them.
** Ocasionally, he also makes references to ''{{Seinfeld}}'', another one of his favorite shows; he also has a liking for ''CurbYourEnthusiasm'' and has even likened the best seasons with pantheon episodes of the show with particularly dominant seasons by pitchers who won the MVP Award in Major League Baseball.
* {{Southies}}: His old Boston buddies come across like this sometimes.
* TheStoic: He has complained when announcers haven't risen to the excitement of the occasion. Joe Buck's extremely understated call of the David Tyree helmet catch is one of his flogging horses.
* TemptingFate: He tries to invoke this deliberately with his reverse jinxes, in which he congratulates a team he's rooting against for winning a big game, hoping that fate will then rear up to crush that team. This is a double edged sword, however, as his fans have called him out for jinxing his own teams by being overconfident at their assured victory (such as happened with both of the Patriots' Super Bowl losses to the Giants).
** Also, every time he mentions some wildly terrible transaction by a bad team: "let's hope I didn't give them ideas".
* TransNature: In both ''Now I Can Die In Peace'' and ''The Book of Basketball'', he talks about how, as a kid, he had a racial identity crisis, where he hated that he had been born white instead of black, even forcing his teacher to call him his self-given Muslim name "Jabaal Abdul-Simmons," and [[{{Blackface}} colored his face in in pictures.]]
* TheTropeWithoutATitle: The Oklahoma City Thunder, aka "The Team That Shall Not Be Named", as a service to the people of Seattle, who are still bitter about the Seattle Sonics being sold and moved out from under them.
** He eventually renamed them "[[EverythingsDeaderWithZombies The Zombie Sonics]]". He gave up on it on [[http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/8486795/the-harden-dilemma October 11, 2012]] on the grounds that (1) it was too much trouble to keep it up and (2) the Sonics might be resurrected.
* {{Twitter}}: He attempted to use Twitter to organize up-to-the-minute taunting chants at Celtics games.
** [[http://twitter.com/#!/CelticsChants/status/13870364675 Which]] [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJl-0TML4i4 worked.]]
* [[WhatTheHellHero What The Hell NBA?]]: The Sports Guy was less than thrilled at how the 2011 NBA lockout was handled. In particular, he gave shots to the owners for paying their players too much and granting massive contracts that eventually brought the NBA to its crippling problem; the agents for making the players go for more money than they could possibly handle; [[ItsAllAboutMe and finally, the players themselves for trying to be tough guys and not wanting to accept more flexible solutions while bringing less or nothing at all to the table.]] It got so bad that the Sports Guy himself stated that Gary Bettman, the current commissioner of the NHL, actually stood to gain A LOT from the lockout by taking lessons on how NOT TO handle said lockout while the league was starting to enjoy one of its best seasons yet. You can see all of his opinions on his archives at Grantland as well as his Twitter account. Unfortunately, Bettman didn't listen, and one year later, the NHL went through another lockout that cost the NHL half a season.
** It's something of note that Simmons does not have much love for Roger Goodell either due to the two-faced nature of how he handles player safety in games and considers him worse than Bettman due to this.
** He could not believe it himself when he had to admit that Bud Selig was the best (or least horrible) acting commissioner in American sports. He followed this up by saying he had stopped putting faith in any commissioner doing what was best for the fans, as they were stooges whose only job is to keep the owners happy.
* WolverinePublicity: His "Ewing Theory" is that Wolverine Publicity as applied to sports teams sometimes holds them back, and that losing a star player who gets all the attention forces the rest of the team to step up. He claimed the best application of this was Tiki Barber, who retired abruptly and complained about his former team, only to watch them win the Super Bowl with one of the greatest upsets in history in his absence. Over Simmons' Patriots. With Simmons ''in the crowd.'' [[CatchPhrase And he will now light himself on fire.]]
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