->''"There's too many kids in this tub,\\
There's too many elbows to scrub,\\
I just washed a behind\\
That I'm sure wasn't mine!\\
There's too many kids in this tub!"''
-->--'''Creator/ShelSilverstein,''' "Crowded Tub"

StockPhrase(s) for whenever a group of people are squashed together. It also commonly occurs whenever the lights go out. Variations on the phrase include "Who's touching my X" and "Whose X is this?". There's also the DoubleEntendre variant:

-->'''Person #1:''' "Hey! I found a [item]"\\
'''Person #2:''' "That's ''not'' a [item]...!"

Said item is usually either [[VisualInnuendo phallic]] or [[MarshmallowHell soft]] depending on who the people are. Can result in ThanksForTheMammary, a MegatonPunch (if person #2 is female), as well as evidence against the AccidentalPervert. NotWhatItLooksLike also commonly occurs when the lights come back on.
----
!!Examples:

[[foldercontrol]]

[[folder:Anime & Manga]]
* ''BokuNoFutatsuNoTsubasa'' actually gets to use this [[http://www.mangavolume.com/index.php?serie=boku-no-futatsu-no-tsubasa&chapter=boku-no-futatsu-no-tsubasa-1&page_nr=35 both ways at once]] since the heroine is a fully functional hermaphrodite.
* Happens in ''Manga/DeathNote'': Misa cries that someone in a group of fans touched her butt. It was actually L, lifting her cell phone. Might have been copping a feel anyway, though.
** That might be *how* he planned to disguise his attempt to lift her phone.
*** That brilliant bastard...
-->'''L''' (looking ''very'' guilty): "U-uh... this is an outrage! Taking advantage of this situation is unforgivable! ''*to Misa*'' I swear I shall find whoever is responsible for this!" (''Misa laughs'')
-->'''Random Bystander''': "''I wanna touch her too!''"
* In ''{{Naruto}}'', during the Land of Waves arc, happens to Sakura twice. The first person does it unintentionally because he was trying to steal Sakura's bag. The second time, it was a small boy who does touch her butt, but his intention was to ask her for some food.
* ''Anime/NeonGenesisEvangelion'': Because the tiny elevator is so packed, ''two'' people cry "Who's touching me?" and two respond "I can't help it!"
** And yet another character gets subjected to MarshmallowHell.
* ''NininGaShinobuden'' naturally uses this when a Typhoon causes a blackout.
* ''SonicTheHedgehogTheMovie'' has a subtle one of these in its english dub. After Dr. Robotnik and [[CatGirl Sarah]] emerge from the remains of Metal Robotnik before Sonic's "[[CurbStompBattle fight]]" with Metal Sonic.
-->'''Sarah:''' Just where do you think you're putting your hands?!
-->'''Robotnik:''' Oh-hoho They are nice!
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Comic Books]]
* ''TopTen'': Sergeant Jackie "Jack Phantom" Kowalski, believes someone is squeezed her bum, the others don't see any guilty party and write it off as stress. It turns out the chair she was sitting in was alive, likely the uncaught shape-shifting criminal "The Ghostly Goose". He looks quite happy.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Film]]
* From ''Film/PlanesTrainsAndAutomobiles'', when John Candy and Steve Martin are sharing a bed...
-->'''Del:''' Why are you holding my hand?
-->'''Neal:''' Where's your other hand?
-->'''Del:''' Between two pillows.
-->'''Neal:''' '''[[http://movieclips.com/qRGa-planes-trains-and-automobiles-movie-those-arent-pillows/ Those aren't pillows!]]'''!
* [[InvertedTrope Inverted]] in a cut line in the bed scene of ''Film/BlazingSaddles''; after Lili mutters, "Oh, it's twue, it's twue!", Sheriff Bart responds, "Ma'am, you're sucking on my elbow."
** Not to mention the 'froggy' incident.
* ''MurderByDeath'': The main characters are seated together around a table. Suddenly the room goes dark.
-->'''Dora Charleston:''' Dickie, don't! You know how I get when you touch me there!\\
'''Dick Charleston:''' Not me, darling. I got my hands in my pockets.\\
'''Sam Diamond:''' I'm afraid they're my pockets.\\
'''Dick Charleston:''' Oh. Sorry about that.\\
'''Dora Charleston:''' Dickie, behave yourself!
* In ''Film/WillyWonkaAndTheChocolateFactory'', while the group is crowded together in a hallway, Mrs. Teavee says "Somebody's touching me!" It's Grandpa Joe accidentally touching her shoulder.
* In the movie ''WithoutAClue'', a woman in a pub accuses one the patrons of pinching her bottom while her back was turned. A drunken SherlockHolmes steps forward and after rambling through the evidence, admits that he did it, and then pinches her again.
* ''{{Casper}}'': Just after the Ghostly Trio have been sucked into a vacuum cleaner and are, [[RuleOfFunny for some reason]], temporarily stuck inside the bag...
-->'''Stretch:''' Who's got their pointy head [[AssShove up my]]--
-->'''Fatso:''' That's not my head.
* The 1945 film version of ''Film/StateFair'' has Margy and Pat ride a roller coaster car through a dark tunnel; one of the female passengers asks her boyfriend not to touch her, then shrieks.
* In the comedy ''Film/{{Water 1985}}'', MichaelCaine and a female environmentalist are tied to a tree by Cuban terrorists; Caine has to inform her that it's not his ''lighter'' she's grabbed hold of to burn the ropes...
* Subverted (naturally) by Detective Carter in ''[[Series/RushHour Rush Hour 2]]''.
--> "Who touched my butt?... Do it again!"
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Jokes]]
* Three guys are forced to share a bed because it's the last room in the hotel. In the morning they are waking up.
-->'''Man #1''': I had an amazing dream last night, a supermodel was giving me a handjob!
-->'''Man #2''': That's odd, I had the same dream.
-->'''Man #3''' ''(in the middle)'': "Mine was lame. All I was doing was rowing a boat.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Literature]]
* A StarTrekExpandedUniverse novel featured the original series bridge crew cramming into a closet. This included Uhura, who warned someone that their hands were wandering into private property.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Live Action TV]]
* In one episode of ''Series/QuantumLeap'', Sam and the female lead are caught in a radio studio when the power is cut, leading to the following exchange in the dark:
-->'''Her:''' HEY!!\\
'''Him:''' Sorry - I was feeling for the doorknob.\\
'''Her:''' Wouldn't the doorknob be ''lower''?
* In the ''That70sShow'' episode "Red Sees Red", Kelso and Donna have to hide under a bed:
-->'''Donna:''' Kelso, get your hand off my ass.\\
'''Kelso:''' It was an accident.\\
'''Donna:''' It's still there.\\
'''Kelso:''' It's still an accident!\\
'''Donna:''' Kelso, it's still there!\\
'''Kelso:''' ''[Laughs]'' Yeah.
** In another episode, the whole gang is crowded inside a small trailer.
--->'''Jackie:''' Whose hand is that?!\\
'''Hyde''', '''Kelso''' and '''Fez''' ''[simultaneously]'': Mine.
* ''Series/{{Farscape}}''. Rygel and Chiana are locked in an airtight tube while the air is purged from the ship; naturally the lecherous Rygel uses this as a chance for some groping.
* Used in an episode of ''JustShootMe'', when Finch spotted a pretty girl at a dinner party while standing behind Nina.
-->'''Nina:''' ...Finch, that ''better'' be a breadstick.
* A Brazilian soap opera had two men washing themselves at a bathtub, both wearing trunks. Then one says something about a "rubber duck". And the other "It's not a duck!". The first one promptly jumps out.
* ''Series/WillAndGrace'': Lampshaded when Karen, Grace, Jack and Rosario are all sleeping bunched up in the back of Karen's limo:
-->'''Karen:''' Jack? That had ''better'' be your penis.
-->'''Grace:''' I can't do this. I sleep on my left. Turn.
-->'''Jack:''' Oh, pl--Grace!
-->'''Grace:''' Come on, come on. ''(everyone turns on their other side and says good night)''
-->'''Karen:''' Grace? That had ''better'' be your penis.
-->'''Grace:''' It's a thermos, but thank you.
* ''TheOffice'': An unusually sweet moment when Pam hugs Michael is ruined:
-->'''Pam:''' [[OrAreYouJustHappyToSeeMe Do you have something in your pocket?]]
-->'''Michael:''' A Chunky. ''(Pam's eyes widen in horror; he shows her an actual candy bar)'' Do you want half?
* In ''Series/ICarly'' Halloween episode this happens when Sam and Carly run into a dark closet to escape the "Ghost"
-->Sam:Wait Whose butt is this?
-->Carly: Sam!
-->Sam: Sorry
* ''Series/MarriedWithChildren'': While playing Twister, Peggy is internally happy that so many people are rubbing her butt; meanwhile, Marcy is secretly unhappy that nobody is rubbing hers, even though "it's way up in the air".
* In ''WouldILieToYou'' (a show which occasionally features impromptu physical comedy apropos of nothing but the RuleOfFunny), Rob Brydon winds up dancing with Christine Bleakley. After she coaches him into getting his body very tight against hers..
-->'''Rob''': [''slightly flustered''] Can I just say... that's my phone.
** Repeated in the episode in which Rob and Nick Hewer were wearing a "cuddle jumper" (an oversize jumper with two neck holes) and Hewer had to sit on Rob's lap.
--->'''Rob:''' That's my phone, by the way.
* ''Series/StargateSG1'': Jack and Sam are trapped on a glacier, and are forced to huddle together to keep warm.
--> '''Jack''': "It's my side-arm, I swear!"
** This is actually, it should be noted, played for pathos. Jack is in NO physical shape for the other option at this point, and Sam knows it; they believe they're doomed and Jack is weakly trying to keep things light with his trademark banter.
* A variation occurs in ''TheGoldenGirls'' when an embarrassed Dorothy is recounting how she hooked up with her ex-husband in a car:
--> '''Blanche:''' Who made the first move?
--> '''Dorothy:''' I guess I did. It was dark, and Stan stopped the car... I swear to you, I thought I was setting the parking brake!
** There's also one where the girls are all in the same bed because the heat went out.
-->'''Rose''': There's an icicle on the nose of my bunny slipper *gets in bed*
-->'''Blanche''': Get your bunny nose out of my butt!
* From ''Series/PoliceSquad'', when Lt. Drebin confronts a villain inside a steam room:
-->'''Drebin:''' All right, hands up, Luca! I got a gun in your ribs!
-->'''Mary:''' I'm not Luca, and those aren't my ribs.
* ''Series/TheNanny'' loved this one two. First, C.C. crawls into bed with who she thinks is Maxwell, but is really Niles.
--> '''Niles:''' If you're looking for the hot water bottle, that's not it.
** In another, when Fran and Max are trapped in an blacked-out elevator.
--> '''Max:''' What are you doing?
--> '''Fran:''' I'm looking for the emergency phone!
--> '''Max:''' That's not it.
--> '''Fran:''' Well, I guess I better stop talking into it.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Radio]]
* TheDGeneration did it during a sketch on ''The Satanic Sketches'' album:
-->'''Domestos:''' Here. Take this. The sacred splayd of Damocles.
-->'''Demetrius:''' And what about this?
-->'''Domestos:''' DON'T TOUCH THAT!
-->'''Demetrius:''' Why not?
-->'''Domestos:''' It's my penis!
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Video Games]]
* In ''EnslavedOdysseyToTheWest'', there is such a scene in Pigsy's escape pod (which was designed for one person). "It's just your hand is ... right on my ... Penis."
* ''VideoGame/{{Grandia}}'': the party crawls through the sewers and this exchange occurs with the hero and the ActionGirl.
-->'''[[TheHero Justin]]:''' "What's this...? It's warm... and squishy."\\
'''[[ActionGirl Feena]]:''' [ArmorPiercingSlap]
* Variation in ''VideoGame/TalesOfSymphonia'': In a Z-skit in the Temple of Darkness, [[HandsomeLech Zelos]] eagerly explains to [[ChasteHero Lloyd]] how much fun darkness is with a girl and how much one can do with her without her knowing. Lloyd immediately tells [[MsFanservice Sheena]] that Zelos was the one touching her butt, with Zelos claiming that [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial that he hadn't done anything to her yet]] in an unsuccessful attempt to prevent [[ArmorPiercingSlap retaliation]].
** {{Fanon}} seems to have it that [[CovertPervert Lloyd]] was the real culprit here.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Webcomics]]
* The ''Webcomic/{{Megatokyo}}'' strip "f33ling it", during the Megagamers invasion storyline.
** [[http://www.megatokyo.com/strip/544 Wow. Those are a lot softer than I thought they'd be.]]
** [[http://megatokyo.com/strip/23 Largo got in trouble for this a lot early on...]]
* In ''Webcomic/TheOrderOfTheStick'', Vaarsuvius casts "Invisibility Sphere" to let the party sneak past a group of enemy {{Mooks}}. The sphere's radius? Three feet, nine inches. [[http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0088.html Hilarity Ensues.]]
* In ''Webcomic/SchlockMercenary'', everybody's favourite carbosilicate amorph ends up with bits of him lodged... places... when he and Kevin (among others) crash from a great height into water.
* [[Webcomic/SequentialArt Art and Kat]] end up stuck or hiding in a closet twice.
--> ''"Broom handle!!"''
** But subverted a moment later:
--> Well stop rubbing your arse against me!
* ''Webcomic/{{Insecticomics}}'', during the blackout:
--> '''Kickback:''' Whose hand is that?
--> '''Thunderblast:''' Depends. Whose aft is that?
--> '''Kickback:''' Hi, Thunderblast.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Web Original]]
* In one ''WebAnimation/HomestarRunner'' Halloween 'toon, "3 Times Halloween Funjob", Homestar encounters this problem when Strong Sad's seance appears to cause a blackout.
-->'''Bubs:''' Yep, I've dealt with this before. Lights: definitely out.\\
'''Homestar:''' ...And ''somebody's'' a-grabbin' a-my butt.
** Also happens in the Strong Bad E-mail "senior prom", when the lights suddenly go out at the "Entrapment All Up On the Moon" Dance:
--->'''Marzipan:''' Hey, watch those hands, David Coppafeel!
--->'''Homestar:''' Yeah, David!
* ''ImAMarvelAndImADC'' plays this straight too in the second season, when Batman and Green Goblin have been captured by the Joker and Batman instructs Goblin to reach into his pocket...
-->'''Goblin:''' GOAAUUW! What?!\\
'''Batman:''' That's ''not'' a pocket!
* When most of the cast of ''Machinima/RedVsBlue'' have to squeeze into a tank, there are some variants of this line said. Simmon openly asks if [[CampGay Donut]] is there too.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Western Animation]]
* ''JusticeLeague'', "The Savage Time": The league is riding a rocket train, which abruptly starts and throws them all into a pile. Then:
-->'''Hawkgirl:''' ...Whose hand is that?\\
'''Flash:''' ''[pulling his hand from what almost certainly was her boob]'' Sorry!
* ''WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons'' have done it (of course) even if it wasn't the rectal area. When Homer gets the town to make the world's tallest human pyramid, Jimbo says to Kearney "Dude, you're touching my hand!" Both pull back and the pyramid collapses. After the fallout, we see Jimbo lying on the ground and Kerney collapsed on top of him. Jimbo: "Dude, you're lying on my legs!...Dude?"
* ''WesternAnimation/HarveyBirdmanAttorneyAtLaw'', when Phil Ken Sebben is going through his pocket looking for his keys:
-->"...flamethrower, [[TheLordOfTheRings Ring of Power]], roll of quarters...wait, that's not a..."
** And from the finale:
-->'''Peanut''': Whose hand is that? ''{{beat}}'' Oh, wait. It's mine!
* In an episode of ''WesternAnimation/TeenTitans'', when the team collapses in a pile:
-->'''Starfire:''' Someone's claws are on my [[PardonMyKlingon grebnacks]]!\\
'''Beast Boy:''' My bad. [wet suction cup sound]
* The ''Film/JamesAndTheGiantPeach'' film has this:
-->'''Earthworm''': Ow! Somebody pinched me!
-->'''Centipede''': Sorry, I thought you were the spider.
-->'''Grasshopper''': [''smack''] Ouch! What was ''that''?
-->'''Miss Spider''': Excuse, I thought you were the centipede.
* ''WesternAnimation/FriskyDingo'': "Yeah, that's not a pickle."
** "I know. It's your penis."
*** "My penis. ''My peeeenis...''"
* ''WesternAnimation/{{Sealab 2021}}'', when two football teams are squeezed into a small room:
-->'''Robot 8:''' Who is grabbing my ass back there?
-->'''Stormy:''' Is it me?
-->'''Robot 8:''' I don't know, do that again.
-->'''Stormy:''' What, uh, ''that''?
-->'''Robot 8:''' Yes, now keep doing it.
* ''TotalDramaAction'': The lights go out during the Train Murder Mystery episode.
-->'''Lindsay''': "Something brushed up against my leg!"
-->'''Beth''': "Something brushed up against ''my'' leg!"
-->'''Harold''': "I keep brushing up against things that feel suspiciously like legs!"
* In ''WesternAnimation/{{Squidbillies}}'', [[FatGirl Krystal]] is blocking the entrance to the local convenience store with her bulk, and a crowd of people have gathered around behind her.
-->'''Krystal:''' Who touched my ass!?...Do it again, that feels good.
[[/folder]]
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