[[quoteright:150:[[ComicStrip/CalvinAndHobbes http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/calvineye_8059.png]]]]

->''The rain was comin' down like all the angels in heaven decided to take a piss at the same time. When you're in a situation like mine, you can only think in metaphors.''
-->-- '''[[ShowWithinAShow Dick Justice]]''', ''MaxPayne2''

The signature narration style in FilmNoir. A bored-looking, world-weary, utterly cynical HardboiledDetective with his feet on the desk meets a FemmeFatale, while the voiceover gives us his mental [[InnerMonologue play-by-play]]:

->''"She walked through my door like a tigress walks into a Burmese orphanage -- [[HeroesWantRedheads strawberry]] [[BlondesAreEvil blonde]] and [[ShesGotLegs legs for hours]]. No dame her age could afford a coat like that, and the kinda makeup she had on gave me a good idea how she got it. She had bad news written on her like [[TheGreatDepression October of '29]]."''

The Private Eye Monologue is characterized by certain pronunciation and speech patterns that make it immediately recognizable and utterly [[RuleOfCool cool]]. The most basic rule to remember is that it is a ''monologue'', so it is ''spoken'' (not written), preferably in a deep chain-smoker baritone. The last (or second last) word in the sentence is emphasized, to make clear where it ends. Short, choppy sentences in past tense with little conjunction (buts, howevers, and therefores) between them are preferred, and the lexicon mainly consists of [[BeigeProse short, simple words]]; that's why such monologues are so super quotable. PurpleProse and [[SesquipedalianLoquaciousness Big Words]] are taboo.

The most important aspect is [[TalksLikeASimile thinking-in-metaphors]]. Creative metaphors and similes are the alpha and omega of a good Private Eye Monologue, in stark contrast to the simplicity of the vocabulary. They demonstrate the relatively good education of the speaker without estranging him from the audience by sounding {{geek}}y. References to popular culture and politics are pure win. [[WeatherReportNarration Mentioning the climate and the current weather is often a must.]] Even more impressive are [[WhatDoYouMeanItsNotSymbolic religious (Judeo-Christian) symbolism]] and mythology, just don't overdo it. Repeating a metaphor or simile is a faux pas.

''Must'' be [[DeliberatelyMonochrome black and white]], with preference given to grimy offices, frosted-glass doors, half-open Venetian blinds, and a cheap and conspicuously open bottle of hooch. Bonus points for saxophone music or impractically slow ceiling fans.

When done well it is always a consistent narrative. Done badly, this monologue just becomes [[{{Narm}} laughable amounts of]] [[{{Wangst}} complaining like a spoiled emo teen.]]

[[DeadHorseTrope Nigh impossible]] to play straight these days. The tough FirstPersonSmartass, of course, is far from dead.

See CaptainsLog for voiceover of the lead character talking out a journal or diary entry.

----
!!Examples

[[foldercontrol]]

[[folder:Anime and Manga]]
* ''Anime/DarkerThanBlack'' sees Gai Kurasawa start one of these, complete with cigarette smoking, window blinds and other private detective trappings but he gets interrupted by his GenkiGirl assistant.
* The FilmNoir episode of ''Anime/TheAnimatrix'', ''Detective Story'', is told entirely in this style.
* Roger Smith of the film noir-esque ''Anime/TheBigO'' is a "negotiator" who often ends up investigating the cases of his clients in a manner similar to a Private Eye. He does the Private Eye Monologue frequently, especially during the first season.
-->"My name is Roger Smith. I perform a much-needed job here in this city of amnesia..."
* Shido from ''{{Nightwalker}}'' does this often.
* Episodes of ''Literature/{{Durarara}}'' are narrated by various characters and sometimes evoke this, especially the one narrated by IntrepidReporter Shuuji Niekawa.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Comedy]]
* Comedian Tommy Sledge's stage persona was a hard-boiled detective from 1947. His entire set was a long monologue, in character, with occasional interactions with the audience.
-->'''Tommy Sledge (Asking a female audience member her name}:''' "'Diana,' she said in a voice so husky it could pull a dog sled . . . 'Diana,' she breathed. She was my kinda dame: breathing."
* Parodied by the Capitol Steps in the character of [[PunnyName Hugh Jim Bissell]].
* Lampshaded/parodied in Creator/TheFiresignTheatre's "AudioPlay/TheFurtherAdventuresOfNickDanger", from the album ''How Can You Be in Two Places at Once When You're Not Anywhere at All?''
-->'''Nick Danger:''' "That reminded me: how had she gotten herself involved with that slimy weasel Rococo? and... how do I make my voice do this?"
-->'''[[strike:Betty Jo Bialosky]] Nancy:''' "[[LampshadeHanging Who's he talking to?]] And how does he make his voice ''do'' that?"
* StanFreberg does this in his classic recording "St. George And The Dragonet."
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Comic Books]]
* ''Comicbook/SinCity'', a stylistic imitation of classic film noir, made extensive use of it, and even managed to play it straight. It is responsible for the classic line, "Walk down the right back alley in Sin City, and you can find anything."
** Creator/FrankMiller [[SignatureStyle is addicted to this trope]]. It shows up in almost everything he's written, including ''ComicBook/BatmanYearOne'', ''Comicbook/TheDarkKnightReturns'', and the ''[[ComicBook/FrankMillersWolverine Wolverine]]'' limited series (co-written with Creator/ChrisClaremont).
*** And in many issues of ''Comicbook/{{Daredevil}}''
* As a result of Frank Miller and Alan Moore's influence this trope has almost become the industry standard, with internal narrative caption boxes becoming the standard over the more traditional thought bubbles.
* Much of ''ComicBook/{{Hellboy}}: Seed of Destruction'' is accompanied by Hellboy's internal monologue (and, in a few scenes, Abraham Sapien's, though his isn't nearly as hard-boiled). The first arc was scripted by John Byrne, but Mike Mignola himself doesn't use it.
* {{Deadpool}} attempts this in ''CableAndDeadpool'' #13. The results are... interesting.
-->"My name is Wilson. '''Wade Wilson'''. I'm a dick. A private dick. A '''detective!''' Never mind..."
* Regularly used in the MarvelComics series ''ComicBook/{{Alias}}''
* Occasionally used either unlabeled or as entries in the "war journal" of ''ThePunisher''.
* ''MsTree'' contains a written narration in this style by the heroine.
* Milo Garrett in ''ComicBook/OneHundredBullets''.
-->''It's about seven o'clock in the evening. Mid January. The sun nothing but a cigar cherry, as an old man's weak piss of rain gives an oily shine to Tinsletown. This morning I woke up in a hospital.''
* ''TheSimpingDetective''.
* Rorschach's journal in ''{{ComicBook/Watchmen}}'' is an insane version of this.
-->'''Rorschach''': Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists, and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!" And I'll look down, and whisper "No."
* ''Comicbook/{{Kabuki}}'' - "I feel the burning of their gaze and it keeps me warm. I hold onto it and proceed. I find myself thinking of my sensei again...and of a little girl training her body to perform beyond built in psychological taboos. I think of this as I bite off my finger."
* Android Detective [[PunnyName Menlo Park's]] narration in Dean Motter's Electropolis is [[HurricaneOfPuns very heavy on the wordplay aspect]].
* Jamie Madrox, the Multiple-Man of ComicBook/{{X-Factor}} Investigations, likes to imagine his life as a FilmNoir detective movie, and narrates to himself accordingly.
* A private eye monologue provides the narration for "The Deep Hereafter"; a NoirEpisode of the ''Series/DoctorWho'' comic strip in ''Magazine/DoctorWhoMagazine''. The Doctor also tries to get in on the act.
-->'''Majenta''': What a dump!
-->'''Doctor''': Guys like Johnny Seaview ain't got time to think about the dusting, lady. Not when there's a killer on every corner...
-->'''Majenta''': If you're going to talk like that the whole time we're here, then I want nothing more to do with you.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Fan Fiction]]
* In the ''Sailor Moon Expanded'' FanVerse, Magnesite lives to embody this trope. While a mid-ranking baron in the Dark Kingdom, he had his agents bring him earth video equipment so that he could watch old videos of Humphrey Bogart, to whom [[RuleOfFunny he bears a remarkable resemblance]]. He was eventually trapped in a crystal prison by the Sailor Senshi and his former subordinate Calcite, and the only way for him to pass the time for the next 800 years was to replay every Bogart movie he's ever seen. Line by line, scene by scene, from memory. After he is released and placed on parole by Neo-Queen Serenity, he seeks employment in his idol's footsteps as a seedy detective. Unfortunately, Crystal Tokyo is a utopia, which clashes with his desired dingy atmosphere. In addition, because of his prolonged confinement and means of passing the time, he constantly thinks to himself in terms of the Private Eye Monologue. Sometimes, though, in accordance with the RuleOfFunny, he will accidentally monologue out loud; usually when the "dizzy dame with legs that could wrap around my waist with room to spare" standing in front of him is a Senshi looking for a reason to inflict harm.
* The ''Franchiise/MassEffect'' fanfic [[ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin "Noir Tali Is Noir"]] got its start as one of these from the perspective of the eponymous engineer, before being developed into an actual story.
* The ''WesternAnimation/MyLittlePonyFriendshipIsMagic'' ficfic ''Fanfic/{{Jericho}}'' parodied this. Specifically, the narrator once tired to use this trope... by narrating his life out loud, much to [[FishOutOfTemporalWater Princess Luna's]] annoyance.
--> '''[[FirstPersonSmartass Jericho]]''': ''“She stalked in like a tigress in Mörmease cathouse (meow) – blue hair and legs as far as the eye could see. No dame her age could afford a dress like that, and the makeup she had one gave me a good idea how she got. She had bad news written on her like October of 2010. With that quiet hum of saxophones playing in my head, she must've been FemmeFatal – the kind vibe she was givin' off. And behind me, the rain was coming down like God had broken down crying, and the angels had joined in on it. When you're in a situation like mine, you can only express your thoughts with clever, flowery metaphors.”''
--> '''Luna''': ''“Who are you talking to?"''
--> '''Jericho''': ''“She asks, her kinda voice the kind that can make 'good morning' sound like an invitation to bed. The mare cocked a brow-”''
--> '''Luna''': ''“Seriously, who are you talking to? And it's not raining.”''
-->- This went on for some time, with Luna getting more and more annoyed.
* In the ''Series/TeenWolf'' fanfic ''[[http://archiveofourown.org/works/696371 Bogarted]]'', Derek is hit with a curse, which forces him to narrate his entire life, FilmNoir style.
-->'''Stiles:''' Can I come over? I made you those snickerdoodles!
-->'''Derek:''' I hadn't heard his voice in days. Even soaked as it was in suspect intentions, it bombarded me with the same sweetness and seductive spice of those damned delicious cookies of his. It was a ploy, a trap—and I knew better than to get caught.
-->'''Stiles:''' Oh my god, oh my god, it's ''true''.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Films -- Animated]]
* Averted in ''TheCatPiano'' despite it being a ''FilmNoir''.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Films -- Live-Action]]
* Done in classic style in ''Film/OutOfThePast'', itself a classic FilmNoir. Jeff narrates the extended flashback to his girlfriend, and the rest of the film to the audience.
* HumphreyBogart, originator of HardboiledDetective, used a few of these in some of his lesser-known works, for example ''Dead Reckoning'', and in ''Film/TheBarefootContessa''. The trailer for ''Film/TheBigSleep'' had one, but the movie itself didn't.
* ''Film/TheNakedGun'':
-->"The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but, somehow, I didn't entirely trust him, either. Why was the I Luv You not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell was I?"
* SteveMartin's Rigby Reardon, in ''Film/DeadMenDontWearPlaid'', takes these to new heights of comic absurdity.
-->"Carlotta was the kind of town where they spell 'trouble' T-R-U-B-I-L, and if you try to correct them, they kill you."
* The first, movie theater version of ''Film/BladeRunner'' came with a voice-over narration by Deckard (Harrison Ford), the main character and titular Blade Runner, who was indeed both a Private Eye and a government assassin of rogue replicants. All of Deckard's voice-overs were removed from the Director's Cut, because they had been added against Ridley Scott's wishes, due to ExecutiveMeddling, in the hopes that the narration would provide some explanation of Deckard and his world for the audience (it didn't). Reportedly, Ridley Scott and Harrison Ford hated them, a sentiment echoed by many moviegoers and critics. According to some, Ford tried to do as bad a job with the voice-overs as possible, an accusation Ford denies.
* "The Girl Hunt" in ''TheBandWagon'' is half Private Eye Monologue, half ballet. (It should be noted here that the monologue's writer was Alan Jay Lerner.)
* Parodied in ''Film/TheHebrewHammer''. Seems to be played straight early in the film, until the colors return to normal and the voice over is revealed to be actually coming from a tape player at his desk.
* ''Film/TheElementOfCrime'', a film both homaging and deconstructing FilmNoir, offers an interesting variation: the whole movie is a hypnosis induced flashback, and the Private Eye Monologue actually consists of a dialogue between the detective undergoing the hypnosis and his therapist. It is also done is the present tense, instead of the past tense.
* Done all throughout ''Film/SinCity.''
-->''"Walk down the right back alley in Sin City and you can find anything. Anything."''
* ''Film/KissKissBangBang'', in a rather eccentric style.
* ''Film/HellraiserInferno''. While only being a police detective, Joseph has a noirish-style internal monologue while working the Engineer case. [[spoiler:It's a recap of his personal failures as he's looking back on how he wound up in hell.]]
* [[NoNameGiven The nameless protagonist's]] narration in ''Film/FightClub'' gives the film a ''very'' noir-esque vibe.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Literature]]
* ''Literature/AllTheWrongQuestions'' combines deadpan detective narration with the LemonyNarrator trope, since the protagonist is Lemony Snicket himself.
* ''TheDresdenFiles'' uses this kind of narration when it's not lapsing into novelized anime/comicbook territory. Unlike most examples, though, Harry is [[MediumAwareness perfectly aware of what he's doing]], and takes great pleasure in noting when [[ThisIsReality it doesn't all go to spec]].
* Lazlo Woodbine, from Robert Rankin's books, as a character is a parody of the Private Eye Monologue, and he only works in the first person even when he appeared in ''The Suburban Book of the Dead'', where everything else was simple third person, and when the characters met, the story ended up ''mixing'' third person prose and first person monologue.
* The darkly playful use of simile in this trope dates back to Creator/RaymondChandler's Literature/PhilipMarlowe novels.
** Chandler is the past master of this. His analogies are usually novel, powerful, and operate on many levels. This effect is often imitated but rarely equaled.
** Even earlier, Dashiell Hammett was using these in his "Continental Op" stories, albeit in a more matter-of-fact and less self-consciously "literary" manner than Chandler.
** Ross [=MacDonald's=] Lew Archer started out as a Marlowe knockoff, before finding his own more philosophical voice.
** Robert B. Parker, often considered the heir to Chandler, used this to great effect in his ''{{Spenser}}'' novels.
* Brawne Lamia, a private detective in Dan Simmon's ''Hyperion Cantos,'' has a few of these.
* ''Shakespeare Without the Boring Bits'' presents ''Theatre/{{Macbeth}}'' from the point of view of Macbeth in this manner. "Call me Mac."
* John Taylor sometimes lapses into this when he's describing the {{Nightside}} or some of its more appalling neighborhoods and residents. Joanna Barrett indirectly [[LampshadeHanging calls him on this]] in ''Something From The Nightside'', accusing him of lecturing to her rather than conversing.
* Lampshaded and averted in ''KilnPeople'' by Creator/DavidBrin. The protagonist is a private eye who uses ''dittos'' (avatar golems you upload yourself into) with a built-in recorder and a compulsion to narrate everything that happens. But the results are precise and dry.
* The narrator in NeilGaiman's short story "The Case of the Four-And-Twenty Blackbirds" uses this in a spot-on parody as a private eye explores the seamier side of {{nursery rhyme}}s.
* ''Literature/TheChroniclesOfAmber'' starts off using this style; the first-person narrative returns to the style now and then.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Live-Action TV]]
* Frequently parodied on ''Series/WhoseLineIsItAnyway''
-->"I'm a mob hitman... They call me Jimmy the [[MrExposition Exposition]]!"
** Eventually made into a full blown game, with the exposition delivered as an aside facing the audience
-->"I noticed that...every time he said somthing, he'd turn and face the wall for several seconds...it was kinda disturbing..."
* Spoofed on ''Hyperdrive'', where Teal interrupts.
* Spoofed on ''Series/SabrinaTheTeenageWitch,'' where Sabrina interrupted several times.
* In ''Series/{{NCIS}}'', when Tony reads a brief excerpt of [=McGee's=] mystery novel aloud, he gives it the full film noir treatment.
* Parodied in the ''StarTrekTheNextGeneration'' episode "The Big Goodbye". At the denouement, after Riker asks Data [[HolodeckMalfunction what happened in the holodeck]], Data puts on an exaggerated Humphrey Bogart-esque voice and manner and begins to monologue "It was raining in the city by the bay. A hard rain. Hard enough to wash the slime --" before Picard tells him to shut up and he meekly turns back to the Ops console (while still wearing his 1940s gangster costume).
* Both subverted and used straight in the ''Series/StarTrekDeepSpaceNine'' episode "Necessary Evil", which was done in a FilmNoir style. Constable Odo is making his first [[CaptainsLog Federation log]] entry, which consists of a long rant on the tendency of humans to accumulate useless information, ending with his one sentence report: "Everything's under control." But as Odo investigates an attempted murder which is linked to his past the log entries begin to take on the form of the more traditional narrative. (Odo, it's later revealed, is a fan of ''MickeySpillane'' novels.)
* ''{{Magnum PI}}'': Thomas Magnum did this in just about every episode.
** And when rival PI, Luthor Gillis was in town, Luthor turned it up to 11.
* ''Series/KamenRiderDouble'', itself a {{Homage}} to Western detective drama, does this regularly.
* Very common on ''VeronicaMars'', which works, given that Veronica moonlights as a [[PrivateDetective private eye]].
* ''Series/BurnNotice'': Michael Weston sounds like he's giving a lecture.
* ''Series/MarriedWithChildren'' had an episode ('Al Bundy, Shoe Dick' S06E11) where Al became a private eye and they spoofed the usual monologues, especially by having him monologue while other characters are talking so that he misses important information. And, being Al, he also says things aloud he intended to be only in the monologues.
* The TV Series of ''MikeHammer'' was chock-full of this trope, of course.
* ''Series/BoyMeetsWorld'' parodies this in the NoirEpisode.
* Parodied in ''Series/{{Community}}'' when Chang comes to think he's a detective, which causes him to take long pauses before answering questions so he can monologue to himself. At the end he and the Dean both do this simultaneously so they drown each other out. And once he gets what he wants, Chang's monologue is just his own [[EvilLaugh insane laughter]].
* ''Series/BetweenTheLions'' would have occassional noir segments narrated by [[PunnyName Sam Spud]], a potato detective. He would give cliche narrations like "she was as cool as a cucumber", only to find his client actually IS a cucumber.
* Done hilariously well in a ''Series/KidsInTheHall'' [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=CQaugoLG8Ag&feature=endscreen sketch.]]
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Music]]
* The Bonzo Dog Band's "Big Shot" is a parody of this.
--->I am the big shot. You heard me right the first time -- name of bachelor Johnny Cool. Occupation -- big shot. Occupation at the moment, just having fun...what a party that was, the drinks were loaded and so were the dolls. I poured a stiff Manhattan and then I saw...Hotsy. What a dame, a big boundiful babe in the region of 38-44-48. ...One hell of a region. She had the hottest lips since Hiroshima and I had to stand back for fear of being burnt. "Whisky wow-wow," I breathed -- she was dressed as Buffo the Bear. In that kind of outfit, she could get rolled at night...''(music stops)'' ...and I don't mean at a craps table.
* Comedy artist Kip Addotta did a piece called "The Frolic Room" that was allegedly a parody of this, with the twist that the FemmeFatale was a lesbian looking for her lover. Unfortunately, Addotta tends to be rather unfunny, so the trope was played more or less straight, making it more awkward than amusing to listen to.
* Parodied by {{Primus}} in "Tommy the Cat" (it could also be a FirstPersonSmartass... hard to tell). They even got TomWaits to do the spoken word part.
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpBa56cBmFE The Big Heat]] by [[Music/WallOfVoodoo Stan Ridgway]] has elements of this.
* In the Music/DireStraits song "Private Investigations", Mark Knopfler does an exhausted-sounding spoken word vocal on ''noir'' themes.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Newspaper Comics]]
* Calvin of ''ComicStrip/CalvinAndHobbes'' delivers dead-on parodies of the Private Eye Monologue as Tracer Bullet, one of his alter egos.
-->"I keep two magnums in my desk. One's a gun and I keep it loaded. The other's a bottle and it keeps '''me''' loaded. I'm Tracer Bullet. I'm a professional snoop."
-->"I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, and the rest are bourbon. The drink packs a wallop and I pack a revolver."
-->"Suddenly, a gorilla dragged me into an alley, folded me into an accordion and played a polka on my spine."
-->"The dame's scream hit an octave usually reserved for calling dogs, but it meant I had a case, and the sound of greenbacks slapping across my palm is music to ''my'' ears any day. After all, I'm not an opera critic. I'm a Private Eye."
** It's surprising how well it's done, since the 10th Anniversary book had Waterson admit he knew nothing about the genre.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Radio]]
* The "Guy Noir: Private Eye" sketches on ''Radio/APrairieHomeCompanion'' are a spoof of this.
-->"''She was tall and long-legged and her blonde hair hung down sort of like what Beethoven had in mind when he wrote the Moonlight sonata. She wore a knit sweater and jeans so tight it looked as if she'd been poured into them and forgot to say When. When she moved, she seemed to undulate under her clothes in ways that took a man's mind off the state of the economy.''"
* BlackJackJustice has an interesting variation: there are two main character [=PIs,=] and they ''both'' have this type of monologue. Occasionally parodied by having the two begin arguing through monologues.
* The ''Series/DoctorWho'' audio dramas (as well as several of the books and comics, but never the series) have featured a companion of the 6th Doctor named Frobisher. He's a shapeshifter private eye who prefers to spend his time in the shape of a penguin. The audio drama "The Maltese Penguin" pretty much is full of monologues, many of which are entirely [[UnreliableNarrator inaccurate]].
--> '''Frobisher (narrating):''' 'I dived out of sight into an alleyway gracefully. ''[sound of trash cans crashing and [[ThatPoorCat a cat yowling]]]''
* Also played straight with the Philip Marlowe radio series, naturally -- at least, the excellent version with Gerald Mohr.
* Lovingly parodied in the ZBS Foundation's [[http://www.zbs.org/catalog/product_info.php?cPath=2_24&products_id=34 ''Ruby 1: The Adventures of a Galactic Gumshoe'']] series:
--> '''Ruby (narrating):''' ". . . Who really wanted him dead? . . . Yeah, [[MediumAwareness the Author.]] Authors--they create characters just so they can blow them away. Writing is a dirty business."
* The first episode of Radio/TheBurkissWay finishes with a sketch spoofing this:
-->'''Harry Nelson:''' "My name is Harry Nelson, private investigator. I operate on the East Side of Manhattan, where private eyes keep their eyes out for loose women, and private dicks keep getting arrested. The story you're about to hear is true, only the facts have been changed to make it sound better. It was a dismal, thick kind of evening in late November. I was in my office, thinking about no naked girl in particular. Outside, the darkened city was all quiet, just the occasional song and dance number from a jerk splashing about in rain puddles. The door opened, and in walked a dame. She was a redhead, with blonde hair."
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Tabletop Games]]
* One of the ''{{GURPS}} Magic Items'' supplements has an item called "The Black Fedora". Wearing it increases your abilities of deductive reasoning, but also makes you want to put on a trenchcoat and monologue (ie: about gams and their inability to quit), and makes you incapable of using words like "money" or "woman", replacing them with terms such as "dough" and "dame".
* Back when {{Eberron}} was a new setting, one of the threads on the official forums discussed running a noir campaign in it. Naturally, it quickly developed into snippets of a half-orc private detective in Sharn following this trope.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Theater]]
* Played straight in the FilmNoir ShowWithinAShow in the musical ''Theatre/CityOfAngels''.
* Parodied in Eric Overmyer's ''In a Pig's Valise''.
* ''The Complete History of America (abridged)'' has an extended FilmNoir pastiche, containing all the essential elements: trenchcoat, fedora, jazz music, assassinations, motorcycles, [[ILoveLucy Lucy Ricardo]], Ho Chi Minh's daughter, a puppet Ronald Reagan... In short, it's a parody, like everything else in the show.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Video Games]]
* Played straight in both games of the ''VideoGame/MaxPayne'' series. In fact, the entire story is provided with a voice-over by the titular character (who has every right to be more than a little grumpy).
** Also parodied in the first game as Max, while in a drug-induced dream, receives a phone-call from himself, where the other him is firing off an endless line of weird metaphors. Max, thinking it is load of gibberish, dismisses it as a prank call, but can't help having a weird sense of deja vu, [[DoIReallySoundLikeThat thinking the caller sounded familiar]].
--> '''Max''': [''in a dream, when it is revealed to him that he's in a graphic novel''] The truth split my skull open, a glaring green light washing the lies away. All of my past was just fragmented still shots, words hanging in the air like balloons. I was in a graphic novel. Funny as Hell, it was the most horrible thing I could think of.
--> '''Max''': [''in a dream, when it is revealed to him that he's in a computer game''] The truth was a burning green crack through my brain. Weapon statistics hanging in the air, glimpsed out of the corner of my eye. Endless repetition of the act of shooting, time slowing down to show off my moves. The paranoid feel of someone controlling my every step. I was in a computer game. Funny as Hell, it was the most horrible thing I could think of.
** In ''Max Payne 2'', Max frequently comes across televisions displaying ''Dick Justice'', a program which openly parodies this trope, and Max's inner monologue itself.
** The fact that the movie didn't have this was a strike against it.
** The third game carries on this tradition in a near a fashion that is straight and grim, depending on the person this could be shocking truth or Narm worthy Wangst.
--> '''Max''': [''right before the finale''] So I guess I’d become what they wanted me to be, a killer. Some rent-a-clown with a gun who puts holes in other bad guys. Well that’s what they had paid for, so in the end that’s what they got. Say what you want about Americans but we understand capitalism. You buy yourself a product and you get what you pay for, and these chumps had paid for some angry gringo without the sensibilities to know right from wrong. Here I was about to execute this poor bastard like some dime store angel of death and I realized they were correct, I wouldn’t know right from wrong if one of them was helping the poor and the other was banging my sister…
* Used and parodied in the video game ''DiscworldNoir'', with the usual Discworld insistence that metaphors have to be precise.
--> '''Mankin:''' "Say, I do like your 'ard-boiled dialogue. 'Ow long d'you boil it?"
* Played straight in ''FullThrottle'', which is especially impressive seeing how the protagonist is a [[AllBikersAreHellsAngels outlaw]] [[BadassBiker biker gang leader]].
* Both played straight and parodied in the ''VideoGame/TexMurphy'' games.
* Used in ''VideoGame/MetalGearSolid2'': "The Hudson river. Two years ago..."
* No voice work, but ''HotelDuskRoom215'' does this stylistically, especially in the post-chapter summaries. The main character's a former NYPD looking for a friend who apparently betrayed him.
* Gunpoint oddly has the protagonist type his ending monologue into his smartphone and post it on his blog.
* The 1997 AdventureGame based on ''Film/BladeRunner'' had its fair share of this; appropriate, considering the game's [[FilmNoir theme]].
* Parodied with detective Flint Paper in ''VideoGame/SamAndMax''. While his manner of speaking is fairly normal, all of his thought processes run entirely on these. And in "The City That Dares not Sleep" we get to hear Max attempting to do one, when Sam finds his Flint Paper fanfic, full of StylisticSuck. [[FanNickname Noir Sam]] from "They Stole Max's Brain!" also does these out loud, [[{{Wangst}} but nobody besides him finds them interesting]].
* ''VideoGame/InFamous'' character Cole [=McGrath=] uses this in every comic-style cutscenes.
* ''Videogame/LANoire'' being a Noir game has this at the beginning of every Patrol case.
* ''VideoGame/ActionDoom2UrbanBrawl'' has the character do this throughout the game, both in cutscenes and in the game itself.
* In ''VideoGame/KingdomOfLoathing'', the [[PunnyName Penne Dreadful]] pasta thrall is a hard-boiled detective inhabiting a skeletal body made out of enchanted pasta who is prone to doing these sorts of monologues. You may find your opponent in combat wondering "Who is he talking to?"
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Webcomics]]
* In the ''Webcomic/SluggyFreelance'' story arc "Phoenix Rising," reporter Nash Straw starts doing one of these [[spoiler:after his FaceHeelTurn]].
* Featured in [[http://nonadventures.com/2006/12/09/sin-derella/ this strip]] of ''TheNonAdventuresOfWonderella'', as part of the ''SinCity'' parody.
* Despite the name, the ''{{MS Paint Adventures}}'' series ''ProblemSleuth'' mostly averts this trope until right at the end, [[spoiler: when they become actual private eyes in the real world.]]
** Technically, [[spoiler: they were already private eyes in the real world]], and there are hints and splashes of evidence of such scattered throughout the earlier parts of the epic [[spoiler: (references to doing things in a hardboiled way, for example)]]. But since the problem that kicks off the plot is the seemingly-simple request to leave your office, you never really get to [[spoiler: do your hardboiled monologging]] because of all the crazy puzzle shit.
* Jip does this in ''[[http://www.nobmouse.net/2009/07/10/the-squeeze-part-one/ The Squeeze]]'', a film noir parody strip from ''TheLifeOfNobTMouse''.
* Gabriel narrates the fourth chapter of ''Webcomic/EvilDiva'' like this. He appears to be writing a film noir novel based on the events happening around him (then again, maybe he just writes his diary entries in the hard-boiled detective voice). It's not ''spoken'' dialogue, but it's [[TheSpeechless as close as Gabe can come]].
* done rather oddly in this: http://fullmooncity.smackjeeves.com/comics/1156518/full-moon-city-the-blade-in-the-coin-part-1/
* {{Pibgorn}} [[http://www.gocomics.com/pibgorn/2003/08/27/ the guy in the trenchcoat]]
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[[folder:Web Originals]]
* {{SFDebris}} parodied this in his intro to his "[[StarTrekVoyager Ex Post Facto]]" review.
-->"Into my office walked a dame with million-latinum legs and a swing to her hips that could unphase a tacheon beam. She had trouble stuck to her like stink on Klingon, but the way she set my phaser to stun, I knew I'd be taking the case..."
* ''LoadingReadyRun'''s skit [[http://loadingreadyrun.com/videos/view/78/30-minutes-or-less "30 Minutes or Less"]] shows the gritty world of pizza delivery through this method.
* The series ''ThereWillBeBrawl'' is set in a gritty film-noir-ish version of the Mushroom Kingdom, so it's only natural that Luigi (the protagonist) narrates much of the story in this fashion. It's played completely straight though.
* ''[[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rV5dNB5ThFA Ruby Rocket, Private Detective]]'' parodies this trope, with the titular detective getting so tangled up in her monologue's [[{{Metaphorgotten}} bizarre metaphors]] that she can't hear her potential clients speak.
* Mercilessly parodied in Cracked.com's ''[[http://www.cracked.com/blog/a-detective-yarn-so-clever-it-makes-angela-lansbury-look-like-a-god-damn-mongoloid/ A Detective Yarn So Clever it Makes Angela Lansbury Look Like a God Damn Mongoloid]]''.
* Parodied in StupidMarioBrothers with VideoGame/MaxPayne saying his out loud which makes him look weird to everyone else.
* FiveSecondFilms: [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgH7z6tzRa0&feature=g-u&context=G2c84993FUAAAAAAABAA The Big Drip.]]
* Setsuna does this pretty much every time she appears in ''NegimaTheAbridgedSeries''.
-->'''Setsuna:''' "School. Classroom 3-A. A place of learning. But I'm not here to learn. [[SchoolgirlLesbians I'm here to protect my sweet princess, Konoka.]] Like the gargoyle that stands sentry over a beautiful citadel."
* RedditNoir, a novelty account on reddit posts all of his comments in this style.
* Played straight by Series/{{Zeddicker}} in chapter one of ''No Pity for the Dead'': "Women. They're all over the place. I've known my fair share, and I like dames just find. But they can be trouble. Most of them are, even the ones that don't look like it. This one looked like trouble. She was slim built, lithe, filled out her skirt like a second skin, honey-blonde hair playing over her shoulders in lazy half-curls. Eye-lashes longer fourteen to eighteen and probably left as many men devastated in their wake. Tiny mouth like you'd find on a China doll, but call this one "doll" and you'd probably find your next words muffled by your own feet."
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Western Animation]]
* An entire episode of ''CodenameKidsNextDoor'' has Hoagie Gilligan, AKA Numbuh 2, playing the part of a grade school Private Eye with an office in the janitor's closet. Not only does he use the PI dialogue, the entire episode is a parody of the film noir genre with school hallways becoming fog-shrouded streets, the hallway monitor acting like a hard-nosed police detective, and everyone using bad 30's slang. Which is appropriate for the series, seeing as most all of the episodes are either parodies of movies, or movie genres.
* The ''WesternAnimation/CountDuckula'' episode "All In A Fog" had the Count playing at being a film noir private eye, and a RunningGag involving other characters asking him how he did the Private Eye Monologue without moving his lips.
* A similar joke occurs in the ''WesternAnimation/{{Bonkers}}'' episode "Frame that Toon", which also uses the PI dialogue. At the end, it's revealed that [[spoiler: Bonkers isn't doing the narrating, a doppelganger is.]]
* The ''{{Garfield}}: Babes and Bullets'' special has Garfield doing this as detective [[PunnyName Sam Spayed]].
* ''WesternAnimation/BatmanTheBraveAndTheBold'' does this often -- rather appropriate, with its regular dropping of the phrase "World's Greatest Detective".
* Superman does one in ''WesternAnimation/SupermanTheAnimatedSeries'', in the episode "The Late Mr. Kent".
* Hank gives his take in TheVentureBros episode "Everybody Comes to Hank's".
* "The Big Claim Up" from CaptainPlanet has Mat-Ti imagining himself as a private eye doing this.
* [[WesternAnimation/TomAndJerry Jerry's]] narration in "Blue Cat Blues" is clearly based off this.
* Spoofed in a ''PinkyAndTheBrain'' episode parodying FilmNoir: Brain would do a SpockSpeak monologue, and Pinky would suggest the standard Private Eye Monologue alternative.
-->'''Brain:''' It couldn't fail. But then... ''she'' walked back into my life. Billie -- a comely female specimen of consummate genetic design.
-->'''Pinky:''' Is that like a real swell dish with more curves than Mulholland Drive, Brain?
-->'''Brain:''' Yes, Pinky.
* Sylvester is this in ''SylvesterAndTweetyMysteries''.
* The 2003 version of ''WesternAnimation/{{Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles|2003}}'' ranges this in the beginning of each episode from the turtles to their enemies like Shredder ("Tales of Leo" and "Exodus Part 2"), Hun ("Hun on the Run"), and Bishop ("Worlds Collide Part 3", "Aliens Among Us", and "Outbreak"). Seasons 6 and 7 don't apply this. This is a holdover from the comics, which used this trope as a parody of FrankMiller's writing.
* Not only does the titular Bogart/Marlowe-style robotic PI in Gerry Andersons stop-motion series ''Dick Spanner'' keep up a near-constant monologue, his narration is the ''only'' comprehensible dialogue in the entire show; everyone elses lines consist of a mixture of mumbling, blah blah blahs and the odd proper sentence. The only other character who gets real dialogue is a prisoner who keeps getting pre-empted by Spanners narration anyway.
--> ''"He told me he was planning to break out of this joint."''
--> "...I'm breaking out of this joint."
--> ''"He must have had help on the outside."''
--> "...I had help on the outside."
--> ''"It looked like a good scam."''
--> "...It's a good scam."
* In the episode "Finding Mary McGuffin", when WesternAnimation/PhineasAndFerb become detectives for the day. Phineas monologues out loud, much to Candace's annoyance.
-->'''Phineas''': The sun beat down on the city like a hammer, a relentless hot beating hammer hammering down like a big metaphor that was... hot, for some reason.\\
'''Candace''': Stop with the narration and start finding my doll!
** As they search, and as Phineas monologues, they interrogate their father, Lawrence, after which this happens:
--->'''Phineas''': For an average Joe, he gave us an above-average clue. Our next step was clear.\\
'''Lawrence''': ''(to Candace)'' Who is he talking to?\\
'''Candace''': Ugh, don't get me started.
* Spoofed in the ''{{Rugrats}}'' episode "The Case of the Malties Woodchuck" (a play off of the Maltese Falcon). Tommy does the private eye monologue, similes and metaphors included, but since he's one year old, the metaphors often get [[SidetrackedByTheAnalogy derailed]] into his own little segways.
* Employed in the [[TheAdventuresofJimmyNeutronBoyGenius Jimmy Neutron]] episode ''One Of Us'' when Jimmy investigates the town's sudden transformation into permanently-happy zombies.
* ''{{WesternAnimation/Animaniacs}}'' spoofed this in their parody of ''TheMalteseFalcon''. The episode opens with Yakko narrating. When we see him in his office, he's casually reading from the episode's script.
* ''WesternAnimation/RubyRocketPrivateDetective''. Ruby barely even says a word to the client, and eventually turns him away because she's too busy monologuing to listen to his problem.
* While a bit short on metaphor, The Tale Of X9 episode from ''SamuraiJack'' is almost wholly done in this style to great effect.
** "[[TearJerker Lulu...sweet thing.]]"
* ''WesternAnimation/ThePinkPanther'' did this in "Black and White and Pink All Over."
* ''WesternAnimation/AdventureTime'': BMO does this in the NoirEpisode "BMO Noire", as his search for Finn's missing sock turns into a storyline straight out of Raymond Chandler.
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