This is a kind of wordplay joke you find characters using, on [[SelfDeprecation themselves]] or others, about how a common expression is very appropriate to the situation at hand... [[DistractingDisambiguation but not for them]], since they can no longer use it without it [[{{Dissimile}} being technically incorrect]] or highly [[{{Irony}} ironic.]] Another way to do this is to "fix" the expression so that it works unironically, which changes the expression into a [[NotHimself suspiciously off]] statement for those who have no clue about the character.

For example:
* An [[TheUndead undead]] could say "The city at night is so beautiful it takes my breath away... if I still breathed, anyway."
* Or an atheist might exclaim "[[MyGodWhatHaveIDone Oh your God,]] [[WhatTheHellHero what have you done?!]]"
* Going with a bit of dark humor: "This is an outrage; I won't stand for this! [[{{Beat}} ...]]And not just [[SorryBillyButYouJustDontHaveLegs because I'm in a wheelchair."]]
* And to use the trope name: "I would say this is impossible, if it [[TimeyWimeyBall hadn't already happened]]."

For this humor to work, the audience has to know enough about the character to see why the normal statement wouldn't apply. It's not a very difficult task if it can be known just from looking at them or watching them for a bit, but if the relevant bit of background is subtle or requires knowing {{Backstory}} the joke can get lost to new viewers. Alternately, a character can be [[EstablishingCharacterMoment introduced using this kind of humor]] so the audience and fellow cast can [[CharacterizationTropes learn something about them]], be it that they're somehow different or prone to offbeat humor. If it takes a few episodes for the joke to pay off, it becomes funnier in repeat viewings.

Not to be confused with CouldSayItBut. Compare InsultBackfire and AsymmetricDilemma. Compare and contrast ForgotHeWasARobot.

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!!Examples:

[[foldercontrol]]

[[folder: Anime and Manga]]
* Brook in ''Manga/OnePiece'', [[DemBones who is a skeleton]], use any opportunity he finds to deliver one of his "Skull jokes":
--> "It has been over a few decades since I have eaten anything decent. It became so painful that the back of my stomach and my back were almost indistinguishable. That was the kind of life I lived for so many years. Then again, I am a skeleton so I don't have a stomach or back. Yohohohohohoho."
* [[RobotBuddy 7-Zark-7]] on ''BattleOfThePlanets'' was often given lines referencing his being a robot, such as 'My heart would be in my mouth -- if I had a mouth' (perhaps with a line about his non-existent heart added for variety).
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Comic Books]]
* Two examples in ''Comicbook/DoomPatrol'' from early November 2009:
** In the main story, the [[ZombieApocalypse Black Lantern]], Negative Woman says, "I can't for the life of me understand why. Ah, perhaps 'life' was not the best choice of word."
** In the ''MetalMen'' backup strip, Doc Magnus says, "My God (Metaphorically speaking. I don't actually believe in the existence of a supreme being)! What happened here?"
* A RunningGag with [[AgentScully Doctor Thirteen]] was him saying "Oh my God... Who is not real and is used only as a figure of speech referring to a widespread cultural fiction."
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Films -- Animated]]
* A variant in ''WesternAnimation/{{Igor}}'', where Scamper, a reanimated rabbit with an extreme HealingFactor; and Brain, exactly what the name implies; are trying to dismantle a doomsday device. Failing, Brain panics and exclaims, "We're all gonna die! Except you!"
* Emily in ''WesternAnimation/CorpseBride'' has the "take my breath away" variant.
* ''Disney/{{Hercules}}'': "My friends call me Meg. At least, they would if I had any friends."
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Films -- Live-Action]]
* In the CutSong "The Jitterbug" from ''Film/TheWizardOfOz'', the Scarecrow says, "I haven't got a brain, but I think I ought to worry."
* Aunt Em said to Almira Gulch in TheWizardOfOz, "For twenty-three years, I've been dying to tell you what I thought of you, and now--well--being a Christian woman, I can't say it!"
* In ''Film/ReturnToOz'', the flying Gump says as they fall to their [[DoomyDoomsOfDoom Doom]][[{{Tradesnark}} ]], "If I had a stomach, I know I'd be sick!"
* In ''Film/JasonX'', the android Kay-Em gets her head knocked off by Jason during the climactic battle. After Jason is killed at the end, Kay-Em's disembodied head is being carried by one of the other surviving heroes, and she states, "I'd clap, if I could."
* In ''Film/TheMatrixReloaded'', Agent Smith describes himself as "A new man, so to speak."
* In ''A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum'', Zero Mostel's character (a slave) says "This will make my father turn over in his grave". His young master tells him that his father is still alive. Mostel replies "Yeah, but this'll kill him!"
* In ''[[Film/StarTrekVITheUndiscoveredCountry Star Trek VI]]'', when the crew of the Enterprise is ordered to go back to a star base to be decommissioned, Spock's reply is "If I were Human, I believe my response would be 'Go to Hell.' ''If'' I were Human."
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Literature]]
* From ''[[Literature/LegendsOfLaconia Halloween Romance]]'': "I defy any human being to fail to learn slow dancing. ''Then again, I'm technically not a human being anymore.''"
* In ''Literature/TheDresdenFiles'' novel ''Literature/GhostStory'', Harry, currently a ghost, uses the undead version: "Centuries from now, who knows? Maybe magic will have the side effect of making you really good-looking and popular with the opposite sex - but I'm not holding my breath. I mean, you know. I wouldn't be. If I still had any."
* In the ''Literature/{{Discworld}}'', [[TalkingAnimal Gaspode The Wonder Dog]] is fond of mutating the expression "pull the other one, it's got bells on" to "pull ''one of the others'', it's got bells on", since being a dog he has four legs. This almost gets him caught when he has to pass for human at one point.
** There's something similar in Discworld/{{Jingo}}. A watchman says "well, at least we're all still breathing" and resident zombie (and ZombieAdvocate) Reg points out that this is a "vitalist remark."
** Death, essentially a walking robe-wearing skeleton, does this in ''Discworld/{{Hogfather}}'':
-->[[foldercontrol]]

[[folder: It gets under your skin, life. Speaking metaphorically, of course. ]]

* Mack narrates, in ''Literature/TheAutomaticDetective'': despite his vow to keep his nose clean, "which should have been easy, since I didn't have a nose", he heard something break in the apartment and had to investigate.
* In Creator/SimonRGreen's ''Literature/{{Nightside}}'' novels, it's not uncommon for entities without bodies, like animated doors, talking wishing wells, or sentient computers, to bitch about how a confusing situation or LogicBomb is giving them a headache, in defiance of the fact they don't ''have'' heads.
* ''Franchise/{{BIONICLE}}'': [[BigBad Makuta Teridax]] to [[GiantEnemyCrab Carapar]]:
-->''"You couldn't snap your fingers without help... if you had fingers."''
** Makuta again, chatting with Toa Vakama during their [[EnemyMine brief alliance against the Dark Hunters]].
--->''"Don't assume that all Dark Hunters are bitter ex-Toa like Nidhiki or bumbling masses of muscle like Krekka. Some of them would be enough to make my flesh crawl... [[EnergyBeings if I had flesh]]."''
** A variant is also used by Hahli, said to Karzahni, who has imprisoned her and her team in the ''BIONICLE'' version of Hell:
--->''"I'd tell you where you can go, except I think we're already there."''
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Live Action TV]]
* A variation of this is found in ''Series/DoctorWho'', with the Fourth Doctor telling a girl [[{{Asexuality}} "You're a beautiful woman... probably."]]
** In "Voyage of the Damned", the Tenth Doctor discovers the man trying to sabotage the Starship Titanic is [[spoiler:Max Capricorn himself]], who had run the company for decades as a disembodied cyborg head.
-->[[spoiler:'''Max Capricorn:''']] My own board voted me out. Stabbed me in the back!\\
'''The Doctor:''' If you had a back.
* See AsymmetricDilemma for an example from the ''Series/SesameStreet'' comic strip, where a girl says, "If I had a book, I could read... if I could read".
* From the musical episode of ''Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer'', there's a number that goes, "If my heart could beat, it would break my chest."
** According to Spike, Andrew is "a breath of fresh air, isn't he? Thank God I don't breathe."
* From 2007's ''Series/BionicWoman'':
-->'''Jaime Sommers:''' You don't have to be so dramatic.\\
'''[[TinMan Sarah]] [[PsychoPrototype Corvus]]:''' Don't I? Cause I thought I was just told by the one person who can save my life that she has better things to do. That ''feels'' pretty dramatic to me... not that I can actually feel anything, but I can intellectually imagine that that feels pretty dramatic.
* ''Series/{{Dexter}}'' does this a lot in voice over, referring to his lack of emotional reactions. Of his adoptive sister, he says "I don't have feelings, but if I could have feelings, I would have them for Deb."
* From ''Series/{{Angel}}'':
-->'''Angelus:''' "I do ''not'' like being kept in the dark!... [[OurVampiresAreDifferent figuratively speaking]]"
* In one episode of ''Series/StarTrekTheNextGeneration'', Data visits his birth planet (so to speak), and tells Picard, "I could say 'home, sweet home', sir. If I understood how the word 'sweet' applies."
** Also, Data once says "If I were not an android, I would find this entire process insulting."
** There's another episode in which [[RealityWarper Q]] is BroughtDownToNormal, where he says something along the lines of: "It gets on my nerves, now that I have them."
* ''Series/TheBigBangTheory'': Leonard the shy physicist guy asked Penny the beautiful neighbour out, but she's not aware that it's a romantic date. When Leonard prepares, he's pretty stressed out. His room-mate Sheldon the insufferable genius offers possible outcomes: first one that alcohol and poor judgement might work for Leonard's benefit, or that there will be a string of awkward meetings in the hall until one of them moves to another zip code.
-->'''Leonard''': You could have stopped at ''it could go well''.
-->'''Sheldon''': If I could have, I would have.
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Music]]
* The Music/JonathanCoulton song ''[[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjcH2UmK1uo&a=p5kUhF3JYpU&playnext_from=ML re: Your Brain]]'' has Bob -- a zombie-- use the following line while trying to convince Tom to let them in and eat him.
--> I'm not a monster Tom, well, technically I am. I guess I am.
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Radio]]
* In ''Radio/TheHitchhikersGuideToTheGalaxy'', Marvin says, "Well, excuse me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don't know why I bother to say it. [[TheEeyore Oh, God, I'm so depressed.]]"
** There was also his speech for the opening of the new bridge on Sqornshellous Zeta.
-->"I would like to say that it is a very great pleasure, honor and privilege for me to open this bridge, but I can't because my lying circuits are all out of commission. I hate and despise you all. I now declare this hapless cyberstructure open to the unthinking abuse of all who wantonly cross her."
* In the ''Radio/CabinPressure'' episode "Gdansk", Douglas points out that he cannot honestly say "you win some, you lose some" to poor Martin.
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Video Games]]
* Murray the talking skull from ''VideoGame/TheCurseOfMonkeyIsland'' is the butt of a few jokes like this.
-->'''Murray:''' If I could just get my hands on that gunner! If I could just get my hands, period...
* In ''HaloCombatEvolved'':
-->'''Cortana:''' If I still had fingers, they'd be crossed!
* ''Videogame/KingdomHearts'' has Saix, a being without a heart and therefore no emotions.
--> ''"If I had a heart, this is where I would die of laughter."''
* In ''Videogame/SamAndMaxHitTheRoad'':
-->'''Max:''' I'd be peeing my pants if I wore any.
* In ''VideoGame/SidMeiersAlphaCentauri'':
-->A brave little theory, and actually quite coherent for a system of five or seven dimensions -- if only we lived in one.
--->Academician Prokhor Zakharov, "Now We Are Alone"
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Web]]
* And, on ThisVeryWiki, mod @/{{Madrugada}}'s forum signature sometimes is, "If I had a piece of chalk, I'd work it out on a wall, if I had a wall." She took it from the third book n P.C.Hodgell's ''Literature/ChroniclesOfTheKencyrath'' series, ''Seeker's Mask''. The context is Jame, the heroine trying to sort out how she's related to another character, in a culture that places a great deal of importance on blood relationships.
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Web Comics]]
* ''Webcomic/SparklingGenerationValkyrieYuuki'' is fighting the Aurochs, a giant bull, ineffectively. She does a power slide beneath him and smacks his [[GroinAttack meatballs]] with her hammer.
--> '''Yuuki:''' Man, I don't even ''have'' those [[GenderBender right now]] [[ShareTheMalePain and I felt that!]]
* Used in [[http://scarygoround.com/sgr/ar.php?date=20030502 this]] ''[[ScaryGoRound Scary-Go-Round]]'' strip.
-->"She has fled, right under where my nose would be, if I had a nose! [-I miss you, tiny, freckly nose.-]"
* There is this exchange between a disembodied character and an animated skeleton in ''AModestDestiny'':
-->'''Hechter:''' Your eyes are as beautiful as diamonds. Well... er... I assume.\\
'''Giggles:''' I'm sure your eyes are pretty nice-looking too, wherever they are.\\
'''Hechter:''' If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?\\
'''Giggles:''' I would, but I don't know where it is...
* Doc Scratch of ''Webcomic/{{Homestuck}}'' [[http://www.mspaintadventures.com/scratch.php?s=6&p=005697 will be]] keeping an eye, [[TheBlank which he doesn't have]], on the clock, [[TheOmniscient which he doesn't need]].
* In [[http://blip.rampagenetwork.com/64/ this]] ''{{Blip}}'' comic, the first insult which comes to mind for Maggie the talking cat is 'pussy'.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Web Original]]
* ''WebVideo/DragonBallZAbridged'' has the following gem from Dr. Gero after Android 19 finally gets the upper hand against Goku.
--> '''Dr. Gero:''' Well boys, I can't say it hasn't been fun. In fact, [[BrainInAJar if I still had a penis]], it would be most auspicious that we're wearing baggy pants. But enough about hypothetical erections...
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Western Animation]]
* In ''{{WesternAnimation/Archer}}'', "Placebo Effect":
-->'''Archer:''' Franny Delaney! Let's take a walk!
-->'''Franny:'''(''in a wheelchair'') A walk? Is that some sort of joke?
-->'''Archer:''' A roll, then, whatever!
* In ''WesternAnimation/HouseOfMouse'':
-->'''Hades:''' I promise! Cross my heart, hope to-- well, too late for ''that''.
* ''WesternAnimation/{{Futurama}}'':
** The robot Bender often uses "Oh your God!" as an exclamation.
** Another Bender example: "I'm so excited I wish I could wet my pants."
* ''WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons'':
** Once, a gay character said to Lisa, "If I was a straight 8-year-old boy, I'd be so holding your hand right now."
** Lindsay Nagael: "This is where the tears would be if I could cry. But I can't. Botched facelift."
** Tom: "Bart, I could kiss you... If Bigger Brothers hadn't made me sign a form promising I wouldn't."
* In the ''WesternAnimation/WackyRaces'' episode "Creepy Trip to Lemon Twist", one ghost says to the other, "I'd be bored out of my skull if I had a skull."
* ''WesternAnimation/SupermanTheAnimatedSeries'': Luthor, discovering who his kidnapper is, exclaims "Brainiac!", to which [[KillerRobot Brainiac]] replies "in the flesh, so to speak". Metallo uses the same joke in another episode.
* In ''WesternAnimation/XiaolinShowdown'', as [[spoiler:Wuya returns to a corporeal form]]:
-->'''Omi:''' If I had hair, it would be standing on end!\\
'''Dojo:''' If I had boots, I'd be quaking in them!\\
'''Clay:''' Wanna borrow mine?\\
'''Dojo:''' No thanks. No feet.
* A variation in one episode of ''[[WesternAnimation/CareBears Adventures in Care-a-Lot]]'': Pleased with a plan, [[AccidentalKiss Grizzle kisses UR-2]], his robot minion. UR-2 is not pleased, and comments, "I'm sick to my stomach, and I don't even have one."
* ''WesternAnimation/AvatarTheLastAirbender'': Toph and her friends have never been shy about pointing out her blindness:
-->'''Toph:''' I've seen enough of Ba Sing Se. And I can't even see!

-->'''Toph:''' There it is!
-->''*Gaang looks where Toph's pointing*''
-->'''Toph:''' ...is what it'll sound like when one of ''you'' spots it. ''*Grins mockingly while waving a hand in front of her face*''
* ''WesternAnimation/KimPossible'': In the episode where she first meets Felix, Kim is overly conscious of the fact that he's in a wheelchair (albeit an [[SuperWheelChair impressively tricked-out one]]), and keeps being [[DisabledMeansHelpless over-helpful]]. Fortunately, he's amused rather than resentful:
-->'''Kim:''' Felix, you go stand watch.\\
'''Felix:''' You mean, ''sit'' watch.\\
''[Kim claps a hand to her mouth in embarrassment]''\\
'''Felix:''' Kim? I'm just playing with you.
* In the ''WesternAnimation/MaryokuYummy'' episode "Sound Advice", Baburu, seeing Hadagi pull out an accordion, comments, "It's times like this I wish I had hands to cover my ears."
* From the ''WesternAnimation/MyLittlePonyFriendshipIsMagic'' episode "A Bird in the Hoof", where Twilight Sparkle tries to convince Fluttershy to show a sickly bird some "tough love":
-->'''Twilight Sparkle:''' You need to show this patient who's the boss! Make her straighten up and fly right!\\
'''Fluttershy:''' She can't fly.\\
'''Twilight Sparkle:''' No excuses!
* From the 2010 ''[[WesternAnimation/PoundPuppies2010 Pound Puppies]]'' episode "Dog on a Wire":
-->'''Strudel''': I'm so nervous I could sweat! If dogs sweated, which we don't. So I guess I'll just pant.
* From the ''WesternAnimation/SpaceGhostCoastToCoast'' episode [[http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x8vclq_sgc2c-69-chambraigne_latino "Chambraigne"]] has Carl and Little Carl, a pair of giant floating brains, with this exchange:
-->'''Carl:''' SILENCE!
-->'''Little Carl:''' (excited, incomprehensible babbling)
-->'''Carl:''' (to Little Carl) Shut up! Shut! If you had a neck and I had hands, I would squeeze your brain, which is your body, right out of the top of your head, which does not exist!
* ''WesternAnimation/AdventureTime'' has this exchange between Marceline and her father in "It Came from the Nightosphere":
-->'''Marceline:''' Stay out of my life, Dad!\\
'''Hunson:''' You're [[OurVampiresAreDifferent not even alive]]!
[[/folder]]
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