[[quoteright:350:[[VideoGame/TheElderScrollsVSkyrim http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/skyrim_books_3102.jpg]]]]
[[caption-width-right:350:For whenever you get tired of adventure.]]
Tropes that apply to any ShowWithinAShow in ''Franchise/TheElderScrolls'' verse. Some are pure fiction, others tales based around historical events, while a select few are historical documents. Some people mentioned actually exist in game or previous ones, often as high level skill trainers.

All texts can be found at [[http://www.imperial-library.info/ The Imperial Library]] fansite, as well as at [[http://www.uesp.net The Unofficial Elder Scrolls Pages]]. There's even a smartphone app containing them.

And yes, there are ''so goddamned many of them'' that they warrant their own. Just look at that list.

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!!Tropes found in said books include
* AcceptablePoliticalTargets[=/=]SelfDeprecation[=/=]SincerityMode: InUniverse example. ''The Horror of Castle Xyr'' notes that the Clavides' response of "As, I hear, are all Telvanni," to the line "We're loyal Imperial subjects," should not be read sarcastically. It is also noted to get a laugh out of any audience, regardless of local politics. It also happens to be the trigger for a murderer to attack you when you step in for an actor in the ''Morrowind'' expansion ''Tribunal''. The director of the show apologizes and says the original actor was targeted due to banging a Telvanni diplomat's daughter.
* ActionGirl: Matilda, slayer of Ragnar the Red.
* ActionSurvivor: Decumus Scotti of ''A Dance In Fire.'' He is just an ordinary businessman caught in the wrong place at the wrong time and gets put through hell over the course of the seven volume book series, but comes out of each of his trials mostly unharmed by the end.
* AmbiguousGender: Whoever first told the story of Weedle the Beggar Prince went to great lengths to avoid specifying Weedle's gender.
* AppropriatedAppellation: 'Renrijra Krin' is a derogatory expression, but it amuses them so they have adopted it as their name.
* [[ArtificialHuman Artificial Dunmer]]: Vivec's second mother, which was built by Dwemer.
* AssholeVictim:
** The uncle in ''The Axe Man''.
** The King in ''The Mystery of Talara.'' His arrest is very satisfying once you know all the facts.
* ATasteOfTheirOwnMedicine: ''Night Falls on Sentinel'' ends with female knight Haballa about to use the pressure points described by assassin Jomic on him.
* AwesomeButImpractical / BoringButPractical: ''The Armorer's Challenge''. A gladiator wearing rusted scale mail and armed with a spear beats another gladiator wearing ebony armor and armed with an enchanted dai-katana, because the arena is flooded to resemble swamp terrain and his gear is more suited to the conditions.
* BeCarefulWhatYouWishFor: ''The Legend Of Haman Forgefire'' tells the story of a great blacksmith named Haman who could craft amazing weapons better than anyone else. A rival smith grows ever more jealous of him as time goes on and ultimately [[DealWithTheDevil enlists the help of Molag Bal]] who promises to grant her wish of becoming more famous than Haman could ever hope to be. [[spoiler:After killing him as per her agreement she does indeed become more famous than he could ever hope to be just as she had wanted... during the moment of her execution for Haman's murder.]]
* BigBookOfWar: ''The Art of War Magic'' by Imperial Battlemage Zurin Arctus, which consists of a series of proverbs dealing with magic and military strategy coupled with commentaries on the proverbs by other mages.
* BlackComedy: Essentially the entire point of the seven-volume story ''A Dance In Fire''. A clerk from Imperial City is fired and, desperate, heads to Valenwood to sell building contracts to the Bosmer so they can fix their infrastructure after a war with the Khajiit. While he's there, horrible things happen to him and everyone around him on a regular basis. Among other things; he loses all his money very quickly, the war starts up again so he's constantly narrowly dodging bands of rampaging Khajiit, he encounters an ex-pirate who's miserable about the war have driven him into ''honest work'', various things try to eat him (and there's a RunningGag about the cannibalistic Bosmer), and he's accosted by [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking a poet unjustifiably convinced that he's found a fellow scholar of Bosmer verse and won't shut up about it]]. (Said poet is the source of the title.) Even when he survives and gets home safely with a new and more lucrative job in hand, the story has [[TwistEnding one more thing]] in store. After ''that'', there is a four-volume sequel, ''The Argonian Account'', where the clerk gets sent to Black Marsh.
* BlessedWithSuck: The Beggar Prince...
** HeartIsAnAwesomePower: ... Until Weedle learns how to properly utilize the "gifts" given.
* BluffingTheMurderer: Helseth bluffs a spy into revealing themselves in ''A Game at Dinner''.
* BreakoutCharacter: Originally a minor sidequest in Morrowind, the ''The Lusty Argonian Maid'' appears frequently, even the subject of some dialog, in ''Oblivion'' due to the MemeticMutation it received. By ''Skyrim'', an equally filthy sequel has been published.
** The ''Dawnguard'' DLC to ''Skyrim'' adds ''The Sultry Argonian Bard''. It takes the same concept, flips the genders and uses the writer's name for the non-Argonian character.
* CanonName: The dead brother in the ''[[VideoGame/TheElderScrollsIIDaggerfall Daggerfall]]'' quest "Missing Prince" has a random name every time the game is played. ''Night Falls on Sentinel'' gives the victim's name as Arthago.
* [[CantHoldHisLiquor Can't Hold His Fermented Pig's Milk]]: Poor Scotti has barely finished half a flagon of the titular drink before becoming drunk off his ass. He then passes out shortly after finishing it and finds himself about to be eaten alive by a giant insect. Luckily, he survives. Unluckily, this is only the second volume of ''A Dance In Fire'' and he still has five more volumes of misfortune to suffer through.
* ChooseYourOwnAdventure: ''Kolb and the Dragon''.
* ChronicBackstabbingDisorder: [[spoiler:Inzoliah]] from ''A Hypothetical Treachery'' manages to successfully backstab the three other adventurers in the party to claim the entire treasure at the very end of the story.
* CombatPragmatist: The [[TheRevolutionwillNotBeCivilized Renrijra Krin]] are all about this, as described in the ''Ahzirr Traajijazeri'':
-->''If an enemy is facing us, we might consider our options, and even [[KnowWhenToFoldEm slip away if his sword looks too big]]. If his back is to us, however, I personally favor knocking him down, and then jumping on his neck where the bones snap with a gratifying crunch. Of course, it is up to you and your personal style.''
* CuttingTheKnot: {{Discussed|Trope}} in ''[[http://www.uesp.net/wiki/Lore:Proper_Lock_Design Proper Lock Design]]'', a skill book for lockpicking. The author notes that he's come across several chests with intact Dwarven locks, but emptied of all contents. The thief smashed the wood ''around'' the lock and just reached in.
* DavidVersusGoliath: In ''16 Accords of Madness - Volume VI'', Sheogorath and Hircine challenge each other to summon beasts that will duel to the death; Hircine chooses a mutated daedroth while Sheogorath chooses a songbird. The songbird perches on the daedroth's snout and tricks it into [[EyeScream blinding itself with its own claws]], then proceeds to taunt it with cheerful song as it tears itself apart trying to find and kill its prey. The story is a WholePlotReference to one of Literature/AesopsFables, with the bird standing in for a fly and the daedroth for a lion, though it leaves out the part where the fly buzzes off bragging about its triumph and runs into a spider web.
* DecapitationPresentation: The ultimate fate of [[spoiler:Therris]] in ''The Real Barenziah.''
* DidYouJustScamCthulhu: ''Song of Hrormir'' concerns a warrior who makes a DealWithTheDevil with Nocturnal, but [[ExactWords words his oath of loyalty in such a way]] that the first part of his oath exempts him from adhering to the rest of it.
* DoorStopper:
** 36 Lessons of Vivec. 'Nuff said. There are 36 volumes of this holy text.
** Honorable mention goes to ''2920, Last Year of the First Era'' (12 volumes), ''The Real Barenziah'' (12 volumes) and ''King Edward'' (12 volumes, incomplete).
* DoubleEntendre:
** In ''The Lusty Argonian Maid''. Spear polishing, indeed.
** And with volume 2 in ''[[VideoGame/TheElderScrollsVSkyrim Skyrim]]'' we can add "bread baking" to this.
** One of the Lessons of Vivec as well, describing his encounter with Molag Bal.
** ''The Sultry Argonian Bard'', as befits a (''in-universe'') gender-flip self-insert fanfic of ''The Lusty Argonian Maid''. Private performance, indeed.
* DoubleMeaningTitle:
** ''Confessions of a Khajiit Fur Trader'': Not only is the narrator a fur trader who is also a Khajiit, but [[GenuineHumanHide Khajiit fur]] is one of the products he sells.
** ''The Importance of Where'' is about a warrior learning where to strike blows; he must [[AttackItsWeakpoint strike the monster's weakpoints]] in order to kill it, but he also needs to chase it to his village before landing the final blow so he gets all the glory.
* DualWielding: In ''2920, Morning Star'' the Akaviri Potentate's son Savirien-Chorak uses a katana and wakizashi in an exhibition match against Emperor Reman's son Juilek.
* EarlyBirdCameo:
** The Daedric Lord Jyggalag has actually been mentioned in the Lore since ''Daggerfall'' (in the book ''On Oblivion'', where he was listed along with the other Daedric Princes), but we didn't learn anything about him apart from his name until the ''Shivering Isles'' expansion pack of ''[[VideoGame/TheElderScrollsIVOblivion Oblivion]]'' not only established him as the [[LightIsNotGood Prince of Order]], but provided his on-screen debut in an ''Elder Scrolls'' game.
** Movarth, the vampire hunter in ''Immortal Blood'', appears in ''Skyrim'' [[spoiler:as the lord of a vampire clan. It seems the book's narrator decided to turn him instead of killing him.]]
* EnforcedTechnologyLevels: The 3-volume story of ''Feyfolken'' is used to explain why this is the case for enchanting tools. Apparently, if the tools are too easy to use, anyone can craft items with powerful enchantments without being aware of the potential ramifications. The story tells of a quill pen enchanted with such tools, which drove its user insane [[spoiler:and eventually, to suicide]].
* EvilCannotComprehendGood: The Dremora interviewed in ''Spirit of the Daedra'' claims that daedra, being immortal, cannot comprehend mortals. Surely any creature, faced with the knowledge that its own existence is finite, should [[HeroicBSOD instantly succumb to despair]]?
* EvilIsNotAToy:
** ''Palla'' provides an example for why one better double-check the facts before attempting necromancy.
** ''A Tragedy In Black'' begins with an inexperienced young mage summoning a dremora to do his bidding. [[spoiler:Unfortunately, he never learned that accepting a gift breaks the conjuration and frees the dremora when he is given a black soul gem. Naturally, the story ends with him sealed inside that exact gem while the dremora is free to hunt down his mother, noting that he has an extra black soul gem to use...]]
* EyeScream: ''Another Grim Jest'':
--> What do you get when you catch a Wood Elf thief?

--> The pleasure of pressing a searing hot poker through his eye and into his brain!

* FakeUltimateHero: Ragnar the Red. Reportedly a hero of great renown with an ego the size of a bull netch. Eventually, a female warrior got sick of his arrogance and challenged him to a duel. He didn't even last a minute.
* FantasticRacism: ''The Pig Children'' paints Orcs as violent savage brutes that are a blight on all of Tamriel.
* FearfulSymmetry: In ''The Mirror'', the protagonist is an expert at shield based combat. No matter who he fights, he can block and deflect their attacks almost indefinitely, until they slip up and he kills them. Until one day he meets someone with exactly the same fighting style as him, with the same skill level. [[spoiler: He loses... and it turns out they were brothers, separated while young. The surviving brother apparently never finds out the truth.]]
* FieryRedhead: Barenziah, according to ''The Real Barenziah''.
* FlockOfWolves: The author of ''A Game at Dinner'' considers the possibility that every one of Helseth's 'trusted' servants could be a spy in the service of another master.
* FramingDevice: ''Hallgerd's Tale'' consists of three fighters discussing who the greatest warrior in history was. The title character comes up with the tale of Pasoroth, a man who was more capable while wearing heavy armor than he was out of it.
* FriendlyEnemy: When Menegur in ''The Rear Guard'' successfully defends a besieged castle for several months singlehandedly, the soldiers in the besieging army line up to shake his hand once a truce is called. They've gained tremendous respect for him and his skills over the course of the campaign, and were only trying to kill him because it was their job.
* GenuineHumanHide: "Confessions of a Khajiit Fur Trader" has a double meaning in its title: The race of the author, and what his trade is.
* GettingCrapPastTheRadar: Well-described sex scenes are rather common. The most notable example might well be "[[http://www.uesp.net/wiki/Lore:The_Real_Barenziah_%28Daggerfall%29 The Real Barenziah]]," which was censored in every game after ''Daggerfall'' and was originally '''very''' graphic (including IKEAErotica).
* GodSaveUsFromTheQueen: One of the longer books is "The Wolf Queen," and it's about Potema, a ruthless woman who did everything she could to elevate herself and screw over everyone else. During the last part of her reign, she resorted to hiring tons of necromancers and daedra conjurers. One of her final acts was giving future emperor Pelagius III (then, just a boy) a small charm which would slowly erode his sanity as an adult, just to screw over him and his family after she was gone.
** She is mentioned in several other books, and (in undead form) shows up in ''[[VideoGame/TheElderScrollsVSkyrim Skyrim]]''. By all appearances, she actually ''was'' that bad, although some of the specific things (such as arranging for Pelagius III's insanity) ''The Wolf Queen'' implies or outright says she was responsible for do not appear in other sources.
* HoistByHisOwnPetard:
** In ''The Three Thieves'', an assassin teaches his two partners how to slice someone's throat without giving them chance to scream or covering yourself in bloodstains. When he tries to scam them out of their shares following a heist, they use one of his own techniques to murder him in his bed.
** In the twelve-parter ''2920: The Last Year of the First Era'', Emperor Reman Cyrodiil III's paranoia that almost everyone he knows is plotting against him (which, frankly, [[ProperlyParanoid isn't necessarily a bad assumption]] if you rule a DeadlyDecadentCourt) [[spoiler:leads him to commit actions that eventually trigger a successful plot to get him assassinated]].
* HuntingTheMostDangerousGame: ''The Posting of the Hunt'' describes a ritual in which the Daedra hunt mortals using the Spear of Bitter Mercy. According to ''Spirit of the Daedra'', all dremora regard themselves as huntsmen, with mortals as their prey.
* IAmWho: ''The Mystery of Talara'' is a whole 5 volume series of this. [[spoiler: The ending pulls a fast one on the reader and reveals JYLLIA is Talara, not Gyna. Gyna is actually the real ''Jyllia'']].
* ImpossibleThief: ''Purloined Shadows'' chronicles how Emer Dareloth stole the Gray Cowl from Nocturnal, the goddess of shadows, and became the first Gray Fox.
* ImprobableAimingSkills:
** ''The Black Arrow'' ends with the revelation that this is how someone has been placing an ebony arrow in the heart of a painting of the villain every day, without fail. [[spoiler:From a tree, across some distance, ''through the keyhole'' and into the painting.]]
** ''The Gold Ribbon of Merit'' has an archer firing a shot over the target and into a valley during a practice session with his friend. When his friend gets home that evening, he finds the stray bolt sticking into the archery trophy his family had displayed in the great hall of their house.
* KnowWhenToFoldEm: The Renrijra Krin.
-->''Do not ally yourself with the Renrij if you yearn to be part of a mighty army, marching resolutely forth, for whom retreat is anathema. We will laugh at your suicidal idiocy as we slip into the reeds of the river, and watch the inevitable slaughter.''
* LadyMacbeth: The person running the torturer chamber in ''The Horror of Castle Xyr'' turns out not to be the [[EvilSorcerer Telvanni mage]] who owns the castle it is in, but rather his wife.
* LaserGuidedKarma: The uncle in ''The Axe Man'' beats and abuses his nephew, Torik, for every little thing, particularly when he doesn't satisfy the former with his chores (which includes sweeping the shelves, ringing the bells, and cleaning the floors). Torik eventually murders him and cleans up the evidence using all the skills he learned during his time with the uncle.
* LoveAtFirstPunch: Fjori and Holgeir met on the battlefield, and became lovers.
* MindScrew: Applies to the metaphysics and finer theological points of the ''Elder Scrolls'' universe anyway, but special mention has to go to the mysterious concept of CHIM briefly (and sketchily) outlined in ''The 36 Lessons of Vivec''. Even mentioning it is certain to provoke hours of heated philosophical discussion in certain corners of the Internet. The idea can mostly be likened to achieving [[{{UsefulNotes/Buddhism}} Nirvana]], but the specifics are often debated.
* NeverMessWithGranny: ''The Cake and the Diamond''. [[spoiler:While she never resorts to physical violence a master alchemist effortlessly outwits a group of thieves, steals most of their diamond, and makes her escape before they can even figure out what is going on.]]
* NoManOfWomanBorn: Andas in ''Hope of the Redoran'' is said to be impossible to harm with blade, spell, disease or poison... so Athyn beats him to death with a club.
* OffWithHisHead:
** In ''[[http://uesp.net/wiki/Lore:2920,_Hearth_Fire_%28v9%29 2920, Hearth Fire]]'' Emperor Reman Cyrodiil has his mistress beheaded for treason (she was innocent). Here it actually takes two strokes, with the first hitting the back of her head.
** In ''[[http://uesp.net/wiki/Lore:Hallgerd%27s_Tale Hallgerd's Tale]]'' Pasoroth beheads the man cuckolding him [[OutWithABang during the act of cuckolding]].
** Ragnar The Red's fate at the hands of Matilda.
-->And the braggart named Ragnar was boastful no more!
-->As his ugly red head rolled around on the floor!
** [[spoiler:Gerhild Coldheart]] in ''The legend Of Haman Forgefire''.
* OhMyGods: Common.
* OutWithABang: In ''Hallgerd's Tale'', Pasoroth sneaks up behind his adulterous wife and her lover and beheads him in the act, then takes over where the dead man left off. [[RefugeInAudacity All without taking his armor off.]]
* OutscareTheEnemy: ''The Art of War Magic'' describes a battle between the Chimer and the Nords; the Nord shamans send a windstorm to confuse and dismay the Chimer army, but a crafty Chimer sorceror summons an ice demon and orders it to hide out of sight behind the Chimer army. When the Chimer try to retreat from the storm, the ice demon reveals itself and the Chimer, more scared of the demon than the storm, charge back towards the Nords and eventually win the battle.
* PressurePoint: Described in ''Night Falls on Sentinel'', which raises a reader's blunt weapon skill.
* TheReveal: In ''Immortal Blood'', [[spoiler: the narrator is a vampire]].
* RightThroughHisPants: [[http://www.uesp.net/wiki/Lore:Hallgerd%27s_Tale Hallgerd's Tale]] involves the implication the heavy armor master had sex with his armor still on, and was in fact more, ah, skilled than he was with it off. [[HeadTiltinglyKinky The mind boggles]].
* RuleThirtyFourCreatorReactions: InUniverse example. By some accounts Barenziah herself enjoyed ''The Real Barenziah'' and is friends with the author.
* RuleSixtyThree: ''The Sultry Argonian Bard'' is a gender-flipped version of ''The Lusty Argonian Maid''.
* RulesLawyer: Menegur in ''The Rear Guard'' uses a long-forgotten law to claim the title of Count of Cascabel (The law, devised in 3E 246, states that any man without a liege who occupies a castle for more than three months is granted the rights and titles of that estate, and Menegur was Cascabel's sole defender during a siege).
* SchizoTech: A specific example is used as a plot point in ''Chimarvamidium''; anyone familiar with the dwemer knows that they use SteamPunk {{Golem}}s as weapons of war, but the idea of a flesh-and-blood warrior wearing platemail armor all over their body is a relatively new concept.
* SelfInsertFic: ''The Sultry Argonian Bard'' to ''The Lusty Argonian Maid''.
* SesquipedalianLoquaciousness[=/=]{{Technobabble}}: ''Liminal Bridges'' very much so.
--> A transliminal passage of quickened objects or entities without the persistant agency of hyperagonal media is impossible, and even if possible would result in the instantaneous retromission of the transported referents. Only a transpontine circumpenetration of the limen will result in transits of greater than infinitessimal duration...
* SdrawkcabName: Most of the characters in the ''Beggar'', ''Thief'', ''Warrior'', ''King'' quadrilogy. Also invoked by [[spoiler:the vampires]] in 'Surfeit of Thieves'.
* ShaggyDogStory: [[spoiler:''Of Fjori and Holgeir''. Holgeir is bitten by a snake, and his lover Fjori journeys to Akavir to find a cure. As she brings the cure to Holgeir, ''she gets bitten by the same snake'', and the combination of venom and exhaustion kills her as she uses the antidote to save him. Holgeir orders the construction of a tomb for his lover, and [[DrivenToSuicide takes his own life]] in the deepest chamber so he can join her in the afterlife.]] And then, in ''Skyrim'', [[spoiler:their corpses are turned into Draugrs by an insane necromancer.]]
* SinkOrSwimMentor: Arthcamu in ''The Locked Room'' tests his students' speed and skill in lockpicking by locking them in a room with a ravenous vampire; if they can't escape before sunset, the vampire wakes up and kills them.
* SlippingAMickey: [[spoiler:Both the cake and wine are drugged]] in ''The Cake And The Diamond.''
* SmallNameBigEgo: Ragnar the Red
* SurpriseCreepy: ''A Gift Of Sanctuary'' is an in-universe example. It starts out like a common children's book any parent might read to their child but takes a really dark turn at about the halfway point.
* ThemeTuneCameo: ''Songs of Skyrim'' contains the lyrics to the game's theme, "Dragonborn", in both Draconic and English.
* TitleConfusion: Oblivion contains ''The Horror of Castle Xyr'' as ''The Horror'''''s''''' of Castle Xyr'' for an In-Universe/meta/something example.
* TongueTrauma: [[spoiler:Straw's]] tongue is removed to keep him quiet in ''The Real Barenziah.''
* TrojanHorse: ''Chimarvamidium'', in which the {{golem}} the dwarves gave to the Chimer as a peace offering turns out to be a dwarf warrior wearing platemail.
* TwistEnding:
** Done wonderfully in [[spoiler: ''The Mystery of Talara''. Despite the book setting up Gyna as Talara, it's revealed she's actually Jyllia and Jyllia is Talara.]]
** In ''Palla'', it turns out [[spoiler: the mage did actually succeed in his attempts of resurrection, except that he had the names confused and instead of resurrecting the heroine he wished to meet, he brought back the monster that killed her.]]
** A marvelous one with [[spoiler: ''The Charwich-Koniinge Letters''. It appears at first that the titular Charwich had been murdered by a Daedric lord disguised as a mysticist, but those with a knowledge of the series (and especially Azura's Star) will find that very unlikely indeed...]]
* UnEqualRites: ''Bero's Speech to the Battlemages'' and ''Response to Bero's Speech''. Bero is an illusionist who thinks poorly of the school of Destruction and makes a speech arguing that it deserves to by a subset of the Alteration school rather than a school in its own right. The battlemage Malvisor responds by pointing out multiple fallacies in Bero's arguments, claiming an illusionist has no place criticizing a school he hasn't studied for himself and taking a few snipes against Bero and his favored school of magic in the process:
-->"It certainly isn't a coincidence that a master of the School of Illusion cast this attack on the School of Destruction. Illusion is, after all, all about masking the truth."
* UnreliableNarrator[=/=]UnreliableExpositor: Sorting fact from fiction is a little hard here.
* VaginaDentata: Inverted (and downplayed -- it's painful, but it apparently doesn't result in any lasting damage) in the ''Daggerfall'' version of ''The Real Barenziah'' where it is mentioned that Khajiit penises are barbed ([[ShownTheirWork like feline penises]] in RealLife). This passage was {{Bowdlerize}}d InUniverse in later ''Elder Scrolls'' games.
* WaxOnWaxOff: ''The Axe Man'' contains an unintentional example. An orphan used by his uncle for labor uses the skills learned to murder said uncle and clean up after himself.
* WrongGenreSavvy: The wife in ''Cabin in the Woods''. She thinks she's in a DealWithTheDevil type of horror story and she's TheHero slaying the evil demon. She's in a horror story all right, but ''she's'' the AxCrazy villain who butchers an innocent mage and suffers a horrific curse of undeath as punishment.
* YouAreNumberSix: According to ''Pocket Guide to the Empire, 1st edition'', Altmer from the Summerset Isles don't have names, just combinations of numbers that sound like such to the few humans who visit the isles and hear them speaking to one another.
* YouNeedToGetLaid: Played for laughs in ''Ahzirr Traajijazeri''.
-->"Life is short. If you have not made love recently, please, put down this book, and take care of that with all haste. Find a wanton lass or a frisky lad, or several, in [[ExtremeOmnisexual whatever combination your wise loins direct]], and do not under any circumstances play hard to get. Our struggle against the colossal forces of oppression can wait."\\
"Good. Welcome back."
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