[[quoteright:275:http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/Medb_Leyendecker_w275_4114.jpg]]
[[caption-width-right:275:How's the scheming today, Medb?]]

The ''Táin Bó Cúailnge'', a.k.a. ''The Cattle Raid of Cooley'', is an ancient Irish story from the Ulster Cycle of CelticMythology. The oldest surviving manuscripts date to the 12th century, but there are allusions to it in poems of the 7th century, and elements of it are strikingly similar to things the [[AncientGreece Greeks]] and [[AncientRome Romans]] used to say of the Celts.

Queen Medb of Connacht commands the soldiers of Ireland to invade the kingdom of Ulster and steal its prized bull, Donn Cúailgne, the Brown Bull of Cooley, at any cost. Though Ulster stands defenseless before her army, she is opposed only by sixteen-year-old hero Cú Chulainn. Some magic, and a few gods make appearances.

A graphic novel based on the epic can be found [[http://paddybrown.co.uk/?cat=171 here]]. Irish Celtic-rock band ''{{Horslips}}'' made a concept album based on the story in 1973. Music/TheDecemberists' EP ''The Tain'' is a setting of Colin Meloy's interpretation/abridgment of the epic to EpicRocking.

!!Tropes in ''Táin Bó Cúailnge'':

* TheAce: Cú Chulainn. He shows shades of being a BrokenAce from time to time, though.
* ActionGirl: Medb. Though she is the irresponsible, greedy bitch that starts all this off, she gets down and dirty with a spear in the thick of the fighting at several points.
* AnythingThatMoves: Cú Chulainn, despite his intimate friendship with Fer Diad, has a wife, and allows the invasion to take Ulster unawares because he's off getting his end away with the wife of the King of Tara (or her handmaid, according to a monkish emendation to the text), and has numerous other female conquests in other stories.
* BadassBoast: EVERYONE does this at one point or another. At one point, Medb claims (through simple multiplication) that her army alone numbers some 40 '''billion'''-strong.
* BattleEpic
* BigBadDuumvirate: [[BattleCouple Medb and Ailill]], though mostly [[GodSaveUsFromTheQueen Medb]].
* {{Bishonen}}: Cú Chulainn is described as fitting this trope. Most of the time. Totally subverted with his ''ríastrad'' (see GameFace below.)
* BladeOnAStick: Cú Chulainn's Gáe Bolga.
* CelticMythology
* CombatByChampion
* ConservationOfNinjutsu: Justified and defied. Cu Chulainn's massive kill count owed much to his use of guerrilla tactics. CombatByChampion forces him out in the open and, while none of Medb's EliteMooks have a chance against him, they ''can'' wear him down with fatigue and ScratchDamage.
* CostumePorn: Chapter 17 is ''very'' detailed in its description of Cú Chulainn's attire.
* DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything: Cú Chulainn defeats Fer Diad (his alleged lover) by [[TheresNoKillLikeOverKill ramming his spear through Fer Diad's anus]].
* DoNotTauntCthulhu: When Fergus goes to negotiate with Cú Chulainn, Medb's son Etarcomol insists on coming along, which Fergus allows ''only'' if Etarcomol can keep his mouth shut and not insult the unstoppable demigod that's been decimating their army. Etarcomol then proceeds to insult the unstoppable demigod. Then he challenges the unstoppable demigod to a duel. ''Then'' he insists on continuing after the unstoppable demigod quickly kicks his ass and tells him to scram.
* ExpectingSomeoneTaller: Several times in regards to Cú Chulainn.
* FriendlyEnemy: Fergus [=MacRoach=]. The one-time king of Ulster and leader of the Ulster Exiles who fight for Medb. He's also Cú Chulainn's foster father, and is the only person in Medb's ranks whom he never raises arms against.
* GameFace: Cú Chulainn's ''ríastrad'', variously described to English as the 'warp-spasm' or 'the Torque'.
* GodSaveUsFromTheQueen: Medb.
* HeroicBSOD: Cú Chulainn, after killing his best friend (and hinted lover) Fer Diad.
* HeterosexualLifePartners: Cú Chulainn and Fer Diad.
** The former ''kills'' the latter by shoving his spear up his anus. [[DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything Make of that what you will.]]
** And, "We were heart companions, We were forest comrades, We were men of one bed..." If they were friends, they were very weird friends.
* HistoricalFantasy: Possibly. Though set in the pre-Christian Iron Age, it was first written down by Christians in the early Middle Ages. It's anyone's guess how much of it was actual oral history and how much was added by the people who committed it to manuscript.
* IAmXSonOfY: Near the start of the story this line pops up: "the High King of Erin himself was my sire, Eocho Fedlech ('the Enduring') son of Finn, by name, who was son of Findoman, son of Finden, son of Findguin, son of Rogen Ruad ('the Red'), son of Rigen, son of Blathacht, son of Beothacht, son of Enna Agnech, son of Oengus Turbech."
* ICanStillFight: Cú Chulainn insists on fighting even while heavily injured and going ''months'' without sleep. Lugh himself has to show up and knock him out for three days to give him a chance to heal.
* ImprovisedWeapon: Cú Chulainn kills Cur [=MacDalath=] by throwing an apple hard enough to go straight through his head
* IfItsYouItsOkay: Cú Chulainn has numerous lady friends, but there's only one Fer Diad.
* ItsAllMyFault: Upon hearing of the slaughter of the youths of Ulster, Cú Chulainn blames himself, as he thinks he could have saved him if he wasn't recuperating from his wounds at the time, and insists upon avenging them immediately.
* IWantGrandkids: Medb and Ailill use this as an excuse when they start offering their daughter Finnabhair to ANYONE who's able to kill Cú Chulainn for them. Cú Chulainn ensures [[ChristmasCake she dies a virgin]].
* JustAKid: Medb's reaction upon first hearing of Cú Chulainn.
* KarmaHoudini: Medb.
* LadyOfWar: Medb rarely joins the fighting, but when the fighting comes to her, she knows how to throw down.
* LockAndLoadMontage: Cú Chulainn, shortly before his first warp spasm.
* LukeIAmYourFather: Lugh the Long Handed reveals himself as Cú Chulainn's father.
* MyGirlIsASlut: Ailill is well aware of Medb's (often politically motivated) promiscuity and has no problem with it - Medb made it clear from day one that she's "never had one man without another waiting in his shadow," after all.
* NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast : Cú Chulainn, Morrígan, Badb, Nemain, Cethern... lots and lots of this.
* NonchalantDodge: Cú Chulainn spends most of his first encounter with Nadcranntail completely ignoring him in favor of catching birds. When Nadcranntail throws nine spears at him, Cú Chulainn just uses them as SteppingStonesInTheSky to continue chasing the birds Nadcranntail had just scared off.
* OlderThanFeudalism: The events told are supposed to have taken place in Iron Age Ireland, roughly 2000 years ago.
* OneManArmy: Why did Medb agree to a daily CombatByChampion between her forces and Cú Chulainn when she has a massive advantage in numbers? Because otherwise he'd be killing a ''hundred'' of her men a day.
* PyrrhicVillainy: Medb technically wins. Despite Cú Chulainn's valiant efforts to delay her, not only does her army capture Donn Cuailgne and bring him back to Connacht, she also lays waste to much of Ulster (which she considers a personal bonus). Everything unravels for her in the end, however, when Donn Cuailgne and Finnbennach are placed in the same pen and they they kill one another--meaning the whole táin was all for nothing in the end.
* RememberTheNewGuy: Fer Diad has never been mentioned before he's introduced as Cú Chulainn's best friend from way back.
* TheRival: Fer Diad to Cú Chulainn. Medb and Ailill hire him to face Cú Chulainn because he's said to be Cú Chulainn's only equal. Cú Chulainn kills him.
* RoaringRampageOfRevenge: Cú Chulainn after the boys are slaughtered.
* ShootTheShaggyDog: Medb starts the war because her husband Ailill has a magic bull (Finnbennach), and she doesn't. She practically burns Ulster to the ground and loses hundreds (possibly thousands) of her own soldiers trying to get her hands on Donn Cuailgne, only for Donn Cuailgne and Finnbennach to kill one another, thus rendering Medb and Ailill equal--in their lack of a magic bull.
* SuperPoweredEvilSide: Cú Chulainn's warp-spasm.
* TalkingInBed: Medb and Ailill at the beginning.
* TheUnpronounceable: It can be assured that most of the names in this (including the title--''The Toy-n Boh Coon-yah'') are NOT pronounced as they look. See IrishNames for pronunciation help.
* TooDumbToLive: Everyone on either side agrees that Etarcomol was incredibly stupid for taunting Cú Chulainn.
* WarIsGlorious: Cú Chulainn ''thinks'' this.
* WarIsHell: Medb ''demonstrates'' this.
* WaveMotionSword: Fergus's Caladbolg.
* WeCanRuleTogether: After enduring Cú Chulainn's guerrilla-style assault on her men for quite some time, Medb offers to pay for all the ruin she's caused to Ulster, give him all the booze and women he could wish for, and pay him ridiculously well if he simply quits this whole thing and enters service under her. This only pisses Cú Chulainn off more.
* WholeEpisodeFlashback: The action stops for some time as Fergus and the other exiles tell their Connacht allies stories of Cú Chulainn's childhood adventures.
* WouldHitAGirl: Cú Chulainn, with added {{Gorn}}. As he's resting, two female bards sing to him that the battle is lost, giving him a HeroicBSOD. When he learns the truth, he grabs them and hits their heads together so hard that their brains spill on the ground. Charming.
* YouWouldntLikeMeWhenImAngry: Cú Chulainn's warp-spasm.

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