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A ScienceFiction {{Comedy}} series by Creator/KeithLaumer which details the adventures of Jame Retief of the ''Corps Diplomatique Terrestrienne'' ({{Exactly What It Says on the Tin}}). Retief must contend with and solve problems involving a wide variety of bizarre alien species, while outwitting the main rival of the Terrans, the [[ExtraEyes five-eyed]], [[InsectoidAliens vaguely insectoid]] Groaci—but his primary obstacle often seems to be the hidebound VastBureaucracy he works for. Retief is about the only person who ever gets anything useful done, and then usually only by bending and twisting the rules to their breaking point and beyond. His sidekick-like immediate superior, Ben Magnan, is the only one in the CDT who even seems to recognize Retief's ability to get results.

The series consists of a large number of short stories and a few novels, and was inspired by Laumer's own experiences in the diplomatic corps in Burma, as well as the UsefulNotes/ColdWar politics of the day.
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!!Tropes appearing in this series:
* AlienArtsAreAppreciated: Generally completely averted, however members of the CDT are expected to ''pretend'' that this trope applies. It wouldn't do to offend a species by admitting that, for example, more than two minutes of nose-flute music causes a splitting headache, or that the delicate play of shades of ultraviolet on a painting is outside a human's visual range.
* AliensSpeakingEnglish: Quite common. Justified that the Terran diplomats either use translators, have studied the local language, or have given language educators to the local populace.
* {{Ambadassador}}: Retief himself (though his unorthodox methods prevent him from ever rising to the rank of actual ambassador).
* AssInAmbassador: Pretty much all the actual ambassadors we encounter. In fact, pretty much everyone in the CDT except Retief, although Magnan is borderline.
** Given that the CDT's idea of diplomacy is to maintain tensions with other nations at levels short of war ...
** One notable subversion is an Ambassador Rainsinger, who appeared in just one story. Granted, he nearly wiped out all life on a certain planet through shortsighted actions, but he then ''acknowledged his error'' and went along with Retief on a dangerous mission that had a chance of saving everyone (and succeeded). Also, when he disagreed with Retief on the exact way to carry out the mission, he proved Retief wasn't the ''only'' "two-fisted diplomat" in the CDT. Retief won the fight, but admitted Rainsinger had "a pretty good left."
* BizarreAlienBiology: The series is full of this. The aliens are generally ''extremely'' bizarre, often in ways that only Retief is smart enough to recognize. An extreme case may be the organic robotoids in ''Retief's War'' who have interchangeable parts.
* BizarreSexualDimorphism: In ''Retief and the Pan-Galactic Pageant of Pulchritude'', an alien comments to Retief on the 'remarkable sexual dimorphism' of Terrans, after Retief slips a ringer into the titular beauty pageant: [[spoiler: a female Bengal tiger]]. The alien doesn't notice the difference between human males and females, except to suggest that the human with the large protrusions on his (actually her) upper thorax might want to see a doctor about it.
* {{Bowdlerise}}: There are minor differences between the original stories and their magazine versions. For example, the magazine version of "The Brass God" doesn't use the title "Pope", using Bishop instead. Another example is in "The Castle of Light", where the printed version removed any reference to the characters being nude and covered in mud.
* ComicallyMissingThePoint: Retief's superiors, often. One believed that a CDT member having a set of journals about pest control would mortally offend a race of arthropods, but saw nothing wrong with his own setting up of a world government run by a local tribe that was universally hated by all the other tribes for highly sensible reasons on the grounds that they were well known to all.
* CoolAndUnusualPunishment: Many of the aliens have bizarre ideas about how to deal with miscreants.
* CorruptChurch: In "The Brass God", the Hoogans live under an absolute theocracy. Their Pope's whim is law--and his whim involves things like demanding that the CDT donate one million credits to him, personally, and ordering Retief to be [[HumanSacrifice tossed into a heated metal idol]], as well as arbitrarily changing the day of the week.
* DeadpanSnarker: Retief himself, along with many of the aliens.
* DefectorFromDecadence: One of Retief's superiors is a Groaci.
* DirtyCommunists: The Groaci basically filled the role of the Soviet Union in the SpaceColdWar of the series. {{Lampshaded}} in "Pime Doesn't Cray", when it's revealed that they frequently build "Bolshoi-type Ballet Theaters" as gifts for planets they're trying to influence.
* DoubleSpeak: Used by the CDT and other diplomats.
* EarlyInstallmentWeirdness: ''Diplomat at Arms'' is the first story to be written (though it's set later than all the rest, towards the end of Retief's career.) It's a straight espionage/ action drama with none of the satire and low comedy of the other Retief stories; also, the CDT is portrayed as an ''extremely'' competent organization (capable of forging all sorts of useful documents for Retief's mission) and Magnan is actively conniving to ruin Retief's career by giving him an impossible assignment.
* EncyclopediaExposita: Played with. Many of the stories start with an excerpt from the official records of the CDT, explaining the story you're about to read. The official version is always ''much'' different from what actually happens, of course. For one thing, Retief's name is rarely mentioned.
* ExtraEyes: the Groaci have five.
* ExtremeOmnivore: In "The Garbage Invasion", the Basurans have consumed their entire native planet, and are looking for new ones to eat.
* FakeUltimateHero: Virtually all of Retief's superiors, who invariably take credit for Retief's work in resolving the diplomatic issue of the week, even if they were the ones who caused it in the first place.
* FeudalFuture: The Empire of the Lily on the planet Northroyal, in "Diplomat at Arms".
* FloweryElizabethanEnglish: The Oberonians in "Ballots and Bandits" all speak like they stepped out of the pages of a Shakespeare play, for no apparent reason except RuleOfFunny.
* FunWithAcronyms: The '''M'''anpower '''U'''tilization '''D'''irectorate, '''D'''ivision of '''L'''ibraries and '''E'''ducation; the '''M'''otorized '''E'''quipment '''D'''epot, '''D'''ivision of '''L'''oans and '''E'''xchanges, etc.
* FunnyForeigner: Runs both ways with the native aliens and the human diplomats. The aliens typically manage the Terran language and have some strange customs. The Terrans are often bewildered by these customs, and from the alien eyes humans are quite silly themselves.
* GenuineImpostor: The punchline of [[spoiler:"Diplomat at Arms", the story that caps the series. In his final mission, Retief is sent to a FeudalFuture planet where somebody is causing trouble by claiming to be the heir of the long-lost Emperor who went away centuries ago and was never heard from again. His plan involves claiming to be an hereditary officer of the Imperial Suite-in-Exile, come to present proof that the self-proclaimed heir is an impostor who obtained his own proofs by deception and murder. The epilogue of the story finds Retief back among his colleagues in the Corps Diplomatique, who exclaim over the creativity of this ruse and how carrying it off must have required great insight into the national character of the planet... and the final sentence reveals that, although he left many years ago to join the Corps Diplomatique, Retief ''actually is'' a hereditary officer of the Lilyan Imperial Suite-in-Exile. This is hinted at in the earlier novel ''Retief's War'', where a cousin of his (a beautiful princess) comes to visit him, and gets mixed up in his current adventure; at the end of the book, we find out that Retief is an officer - a general, to boot - in her world's armed forces]].
* GodEmperor: in "The Hoob-Melon Crisis", the Groaci ambassador to an empty planet declares himself king, and then, in great bit of broken logic, uses the divine right of kings as an argument to get himself accepted into the official Groaci pantheon, since he was the one who made himself king.
* GuileHero: Retief.
* HeliCritter: In ''Retief's War''.
* HumanSacrifice: in "The Brass God", the Pope of the Hoogans declares that Retief must be sacrificed in a heated metal idol to make up for his insult in talking to the wrong people.
* HypercompetentSidekick: In a sense, Retief himself is this to Magnan, his immediate superior in the CDT, and the only person in the CDT who takes Retief at all seriously.
* InitiationCeremony
* {{Kaiju}}: "Giant Killer" features a giant dinosaur called ''Crunderthush'' that the hapless Terran emissaries (sans Retief) mistakenly agreed to slay.
* LegoBodyParts: in ''Retief's War'', the biological robot natives of Quopp all have interchangeable body parts they can trade with or steal from each other.
* LukeNounverber: used throughout the series.
* MaximumFunChamber: Groaci Captain Thilf threatens his subordinates with being "pegged out in the pleasure pits" if he is allowed to die.
* MeaningfulName: Ambassador Grossblunder, Miss Braswell, many more.
* MundaneUtility: The Literature/{{Bolo}} Model WV/1 is a [[TankGoodness Continental Siege Unit]] with half-a-megaton per second firepower. The CDT attached a bulldozer blade and use them for strip mining. Averted when a particularly aggressive power knows the potential uses for a Bolo. Under the guise of a "equipment loan", the bad guys receive a CDT grant of 500 WV/1 "tractors", with the intent of using them for conquests.
* ObstructiveBureaucrat: Everyone in the CDT except Retief and--sometimes--Magnan, plus the majority of the Groaci, and many others.
* OhCrap: The mood that often accompanies the initial incident in a story.
* PlanetEater: In "The Garbage Eaters", the Basurans want to take over the paradise planet of Delicia so they can eat it like they did their home planet.
* ThePeterPrinciple: The CDT is in a Peter's Spiral. Retief, however, will never reach his level of incompetence, since his superiors think he's already there.
* PlanetTerra: Humans are referred to as "terries".
* PlantAliens: Herby from the story "The Piecemakers" is a talking flower (although it turns out there's more to him than that).
* PointlessCivicProject: Mentioned in "Dam Nuisance". A alien local asks Retief for [=CDT=] aid in repairing a roof. However, Retief notes that the Corps is prohibited from building anything useful - the CDT experts believe that it would cause the aliens to lose self-esteem as a result. However, [[DeadpanSnarker our hero notes that the CDT is more than happy to construct something useless should the need arise]].
** In another story, the CDT is more than willing to provide an agrarian world with all sorts of engineers and technical advisers, but is utterly ''appalled'' by the notion of providing them with what they actually need - manual laborers to help with the harvest.
* ProfessionalButtKisser: The CDT is full of these. Pretty much everyone short of full Ambassador rank needs this as a basic survival skill. Retief's inability to master the skill is one of the reasons he finds promotions so hard to come by.
* PropRecycling: Several elements of Laumer's Literature/{{Bolo}} series appear, including the titular super tanks, Infinite Repeaters, and the Terran Concordiat. Of course, this begs the question as to whether or not Laumer intended to set up a [[StandardSciFiHistory Future History]].
* PointyHairedBoss: Pretty much all of Retief's superiors in the CDT qualify, with the notable exception of Magnan, who rises to the level of near-competence once in a while.
* RefugeInAudacity: Retief pulls one off in "Pime Doesn't Cray". In the course of finding a stolen theater, he freaks out a Groaci embassy, assaults its personnel, and steals a land deed. When the Groaci ambassador confronts his Terran counterpart about Retief, the human diplomat is incredulous. To him, Retief is just "the fellow who holds my suitcase."
* ReverseCerebusSyndrome: The first two stories featuring Retief are serious in tone, lacking any humor. But by ''Protocol'', there was a shift into satire that the series is well known for.
* {{Retcon}}: In the original version of "Courier", Retief realizes the locals of a planet are all telepathic. In latter versions, the line is taken out. Despite this, the story flows better without it, as the telepathy had no build up and doesn't add to the tale.
* RightfulKingReturns: Played with in "Diplomat at Arms". A FeudalFuture planet with a legend that their true Emperor will return one day and lead them to glory has fallen victim to an impostor who threatens to lead them into war. Retief is sent to sort it out, and does so by persuading the imperial court that ''he'' is the true heir to the imperial throne, deposing the impostor, and sticking around long enough to straighten out some of the society's worst problems before abdicating in favor of the most competent noble he can find, heaving a sigh of relief, and going home.
* SandWorm: In the story "Internal Affair," the ambassador to the planet Quahogg is chased by forty-foot giant worms. They turn out to be [[spoiler: the intelligent aliens he was sent to meet]], and the only safe place for humans on the planet is [[spoiler:inside a larger worm in which the smaller worms live. It's also intelligent and serves as the head of state]].
* SealedOrders: In the story called, appropriately enough, "Sealed Orders," Retief is given sealed orders and sent to deal with a situation that's brewing between some Terran colonists and aliens called "Flap-jacks." Retief resolves the situation to the satisfaction of all concerned, returns home to witness his boss congratulate himself on the quality of the orders in the packet and Retief's ability to follow them, and then dumps the packet of orders --still sealed-- down a garbage incinerator.
* SpaceColdWar: Once the Groaci appear in the series, the analogies to the UsefulNotes/ColdWar start coming fast and furious.
* StrangeSyntaxSpeaker: Almost every one of the many bizarre alien species in the series comes with their own quirky way of speaking: To talk like a Groaci. Backwards everything say Slunchans the. Squalians eek speclusively in {{Spoonerism}}s. And so on.
* StronglyWordedLetter: One of the [=CDT's=] favorite tactics. Much safer than doing anything (at least in theory).
* UnifiedNamingSystem: The various government departments in Author/KeithLaumer's series: "Manpower Utilization Department, Directorate of Libraries & Education", "Motorized Equipment Depot, Division of Loans & Exchanges", "Special Committee for the Reconstruction of Underdeveloped Nations' Economies", etc. (MUDDLE, MEDDLE, SCROUNGE)
* WorthlessYellowRocks: This sort of thing happens quite often, given how diverse the aliens are.
* XanatosSpeedChess: Retief's basic technique is to go to the hot spot of the current situation, find a trustworthy local to tell him what's ''really'' going on, and then plan out how he's going to win on the fly.
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