[[quoteright:296:https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/nine_goblins.png]]
->When she looked up, the elf was watching her. She was expecting to find an expression of contempt or hatred or ''something'', but he met her eyes with unexpected camaraderie, like the only babysitter in a room full of children. ''How odd that our lives should bring us to this point,'' that look said.

''Nine Goblins'' is a story written by Creator/UrsulaVernon under the pseudonym T. Kingfisher and published in ebook format. It follows a troop of goblins fighting in the [[FantasticRacism Goblin Wars]] and their encounter with the elf veterinarian Sings-To-Trees. It is also a sort-of prequel to the earlier (unfinished) story [[http://ursulav.deviantart.com/gallery/?q=elf+vs+orc Elf vs. Orc]].

The goblin sergeant Nessilka and eight of her squad are magically displaced from the battlefront and dropped far behind the enemy lines when they attack a wizard during a battle. Their attempts to get home are cut short when they meet the elf Sings-To-Trees and discover strange things happening in the nearby human villages... like all the humans and animals suddenly vanishing, for example.

Might or might not feature trolls, elven rangers, psychotic wizards, a kitten, and a teddy bear.

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!!''Nine Goblins'' provides examples of:

* AllTrollsAreDifferent: Trolls look something like enormous frogs with goat horns, and are generally good-natured as long as nobody panics at the sight of them.
* AmbiguousInnocence: All wizards are a little cracked. [[spoiler: So a little girl with powerful magic, who wants her brother back after he left with the army, kills everyone in her village so she'd be taken to him.]]
* BadIsGoodAndGoodIsBad: Goblin compliments work this way. They'll only complain about something if they really appreciate it. For things they actually don't like, they go for a StiffUpperLip.
* BeefBandage: Offered to Mushkin after he gets a black eye.
%% * TheBigGuy: Thumper %% How is this demonstrated?
* BilingualBonus: Algol is an Arabic word for a kind of monster that can be translated as "ghoul", or possibly "goblin".
%% * CombatPragmatist: Most of the characters. %% Such as whom? How is this demonstrated?
* CompellingVoice: [[spoiler: The second wizard]] can cause an irresistibly fascinating muttering, like a desperately important conversation just out of earshot. It's powerful enough to reach for miles. People will abandon children, crawl on broken legs, and trample each other to follow it. It's pretty horrific.
* ConsultingMisterPuppet: One of the goblins speaks exclusively through a teddy bear as a symptom of being a ShellShockedVeteran. He's still serving in the army since, according to Nessilka, the bear is far more sensible then he ever was. Displacing his personality onto a bear proves quite useful in the end.
* CrossCulturalKerfluffle: A tragic case where one of these starts a war with the goblins. After being pushed to the edge of lands they could relocate to avoid humans, they send a diplomatic delegation to demand territory. The humans don't see coup-counters, elaborate paintings describing clan history, and lean dangerous battle steeds. They see bones caught in the hair of mud covered goblins riding bony pigs. The negotiations do NOT go well.
* CuteAndPsycho: [[spoiler: The second wizard is a fairly cute looking little girl. She's found by the goblins cooking herself pancakes in a church surrounded by the corpses of the entire village, who she had killed.]]
* DeliberatelyCuteChild: [[spoiler: The second wizard is going to try to appear the sole survivor of a magical attack, as part of a completely insane plan to get her brother back.]]
* DemBones: The cervidians, magical creatures which resemble animate deer skeletons, are very similar to this. Except they're specifically noted to still be ALIVE somehow, the bones held together with a fine organic webbing. They're not actually evil, but are distinctly sinister and are drawn to magical disturbances.
* FacePalm: A common reaction both for Nessilka and Sings.
* FantasticNuke: Never explicitly compared to a nuclear weapon except that powerful wizards are always drafted, but the effect of the CompellingVoice is to kill everyone within a few miles while leaving the buildings. For all practical purposes it's a NeutronBomb.
* FantasticRacism: Against goblins, of course. The main reason for the war.
* FriendToAllLivingThings: Sings-To-Trees. As opposed to the other elves in this universe, he even cares for the [[WhatMeasureIsANonCute non-cute animals]]. (And the cute animals whenever they're not currently being cute.)
* FullBoarAction: Goblin generals and high-up messengers use pigs as {{Fantastic Mount}}s.
* GeneralFailure: The norm among goblins, which is why most authority is in the hands of the [[SergeantRock sergeants.]]
* TheHomewardJourney: Well, not exactly home, but back to their own people.
* HorseOfADifferentColor:
** Goblins ride [[FullBoarAction pigs]].
** Sings-To-Trees at one point has to ride [[spoiler:a cervidian, a skeletal stag]], to his [[GroinAttack great discomfort.]]
* IdenticalTwinIDTag: Invoked. When the twins Mishkin and Mushkin tell Nessilka even their own mother can't tell them apart, she decides to fix that and has Thumper punch one in the face, giving him a black eye.
* InsanityImmunity: Blanchett, being somewhat broken, is unaffected by [[spoiler: the second wizard's spell]].
%% * TheLancer: Algol %% How is this demonstrated?
%% * TheLeader: Nessilka %% How is this demonstrated?
* MinionWithAnFInEvil: The goblins, in general. Nessilka has to remind them they are supposed to be fierce all the time. It turns out that goblins are actually nonconfrontational by default.
* MutantDraftBoard: Powerful wizards are almost universally drafted, though it's by persuasion since only a fool would provoke a wizard suited to be on a battlefield.
* OurElvesAreDifferent: Are they are better, or at least they like to think so. Sings To Trees doesn't have much truck with the general superior attitude though, finding it hypocritical.
* OurGoblinsAreDifferent: Remarkably similar to Pratchett's ''Literature/{{Discworld}}'' goblins, in that they are treated throughout the world as near-vermin, but have a far more cohesive society. Some hints of the modern "technical wiz" take on goblins, especially with Murray, who invents, for instance, a basic refrigerator.
* PersonOfMassDestruction: Any powerful wizard, [[spoiler: particularly the second]].
* PowerBornOfMadness: Wizardry is simply a mental disorder that has symptoms including, perhaps, blowing up other people with one's mind. It seems that if one is sufficiently detached from reality, they create a reality of their own and are able to impose this on others, usually with unpleasant effects. As such, they're mostly useful in battle, but fielded with great caution, as nobody can be sure they'll only attack the enemy.
%% * RagtagBunchOfMisfits: The goblins. %% Details?
* ReasonableAuthorityFigure: The elven commander. He's not so reasonable he'll just let the goblins go, but he ''does'' listen to them and investigate their warnings.
* RunningGag: Any time Nessilka has to give instructions to her squad, the last one is always some variation of "Gloober, don't stick your finger up your nose/in your ear".
* SingleMindedTwins: Mishkin and Mushkin, of the FinishingEachOthersSentences variety. They're also identical, until Nessilka gets TheBigGuy to give one a black eye as an IdenticalTwinIDTag.
%% * TheSmartGuy: Murray %% How is this demonstrated?
* StuffBlowingUp: The usual result of goblin engineering. It averages as (slightly) more dangerous to the enemy then to their own troops. The engineer in the squad was actual fired because his devices ''didn't'' blow up.
* TeamMom: Sergeant Nessilka, who was the eldest of six children and brings much the same approach to guiding her RagtagBunchOfMisfits.
* TeamPet: Wiggles the kitten, though to Nessilka's reluctance.
* WarIsHell: The war is depicted not so much as horrific (though it has its moments) as wasteful and tragic, and caused mainly by misunderstandings and meaningless discrimination.
* WhatMeasureIsANonCute: Most elves only extend FriendToAllLivingThings as far as being friendly to the cute and well-groomed creatures. Sings-to-Trees is left alone to take care of all the creatures that are not (currently) meeting the elves' haughty standards.
* WithGreatPowerComesGreatInsanity: All wizards are certifiably insane. Comes with the territory. It's not exactly a PowerBornOfMadness, but it seems you can't get one without the other...
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