Heffa Lump is just a typical, pale and interesting seventeen-year-old, who doubts that anyone will ever see her true beauty. But then she moves to Spatula and meets Teddy Kelledy, an impossibly gorgeous boy who eats rare meat, is super-strong and never goes out in sunlight. Could he - just maybe - be a vampire? (Hint: totally).

''New Moan'', as the title (and above description) suggest, is a parody of the ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' saga. Rather than just parodying ''New Moon'' specifically, it parodies the first and second books in the series, as well as the movies. It also includes copious amounts of BreakingTheFourthWall and MediumAwareness.

Has a sequel called ''Breaking Yawn''.
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!!Contains examples of:
* ADayInTheLimelight[=/=]GenreShift: Heffa's father, Chump Lump, takes over narration for Chapter 7, which is written in the style of a gritty FilmNoir detective drama.
* TheCameo: Franchise/WinnieThePooh appears early on as one of the students at the Spatula Academy of Fictional Excellence, and later on (under the pseudonym "The Bear") in Chapter 7. A number of other fictional characters (such as the White Rabbit from ''Literature/AliceInWonderland'', ''Main/TheFamousFive'' (searching for Kim Jong-il's warheads) and Baby from ''Main/DirtyDancing'') also make cameos as students at the Academy.
* DesignatedLoveInterest: This is explicitly stated and [[LampshadeHanging lampshaded]] in the book:
--> '''Teddy:''' I'm very powerfully drawn to you. I don't know why, perhaps it's because you're the narrator?
* DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything: All the chapter titles are "double meaning" phrases - for example, "moist", "a little prick", "the first time", etc. (All in lowercase in the book).
* MediumAwareness: Taken UpToEleven. The characters aren't only aware of being characters in a novel, they are attending the "Spatula Academy of Fictional Excellence", a school that trains them in how to become good fictional characters, complete with different syllabuses for different genres of fiction.
* {{Mondegreen}}: Teddy recites a poem for Heffa that ends with the line "My love always, even when you're eighty." Heffa is touched by the sentiment, but when she calls him on saying it later, he replies that he actually said ''eighteen'', and is in fact repulsed by the prospect of being with Heffa when she's 80.
* OlderThanTheyLook: Parodied with Teddy, who looks like a normal highschool teenager, but is actually... ''thirty'' years old.
** Heffa, on the other hand, is older than she ''acts''.
* NominalImportance: Most of the extras at the Academy don't even ''have'' names. At one point, Heffa gets rid of one trying to ask her out by simply asking for his name, which he is unable to give.
* PunnyName: Most of the minor characters have this, for example, Chip Board[[note]]an engineered wood product manufactured from wood particles, such as wood chips, sawmill shavings, or even saw dust, and a synthetic resin or other suitable binder, which is pressed and extruded[[/note]], Justin Case, Wanda Mensional and her brother Tudor Mensional and Piper Thinne.
* SoBeautifulItsACurse - Heffa certainly thinks she is this.
* SuspiciouslySpecificDenial: Many examples, but one moment with Teddy jumps to mind. "I don't know who this "{{Series/Angel}}" person is. I have never heard of him, and I have certainly not watched his [=DVD=]s for inspiration about how best to stalk young human girls."
** And the very next lines:
--->'''Teddy''': [Normal vampires] like long leather coats and tacky silver jewelry, and they live to hunt humans and drink their blood.
--->'''Heffa''': Like Spike?
--->'''Teddy''': Stop talking about [[Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer the TV series]] I have definitely never ever seen and which has not influenced Stephfordy Mayo in the slightest, all right?
* StealthPun[=/=]TakeThat: A school named "Choose Your Own Adventure High" is mentioned early on. Heffa remarks that they have "a ninety-per-cent non-completion rate".
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