[[quoteright:300:https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/howtobeasuperhero_3067.jpg]]
->"I want my money back."
-->--Captain Shrivelled Manhood

''How to Be a Superhero'' is a book by Mark Leigh and Mike Lepine, illustrated by Creator/SteveDillon, and published in 1992 by NBM.

As the title indicates, this is [[FauxToGuide a parody of various "how-to" books,]] guiding the reader through the steps and considerations needed to be a ComicBook SuperHero. Topics include how to acquire superpowers, do-it-yourself cyborging, choosing a proper SecretIdentity, licensing and financial support, and the problems with kid sidekicks. The writing style is breezy and conversational, with a lot of LampshadeHanging of SuperHeroTropes peppered with a good dose of ToiletHumor.

----
!!This book demonstrates the following tropes:

* AffectionateParody: The humor is very sharp and crude, but underneath it all the writers are clearly affectionate of comic book superheroes.
* AllGaysArePromiscuous: A recurring gag in the book, such as when a dialog on superhero motivations gets derailed by two male readers arranging a date.
* AnimalSuperHeroes: Covered in the appendix on Superpets, including what commands to teach (and not teach) your superpet.
* AtrociousAlias: A section is devoted to avoiding choices like this, such as "Mr. AC[=/=]DC" might not be a good choice if you have electrical powers, or the poor guy who got his powers from and named himself [[DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything "Purple Helmet".]]
* BatSignal: There's a section on this, including a joke about making sure you have a symbol suited to this, and commenting on how the Women's League for Decency got the Purple Helmet's signal banned (although he still sometimes mistakenly answers summons for Doc Hemisphere).
* BedTrick: The book recommends programming your robot double to say they have a headache if your partner suggests sex in order to avoid this trope (and having an example that is impossible to live up to when you return from your mission).
* BlindIdiotTranslation: The section on how to fight ninjas has an addendum about how, since most superheroes buy the technology they use to fight crime from Japan, ninjas have been known to substitute the instructions for them with fakes rendered useless through an impenetrable translation to sabotage heroes who oppose them.
* BrainlessBeauty: Mocks the tendency of comic books to give heroes female partners who are just there to provide sex appeal (and not to be capable enough that they might steal the spotlight).
* BrickJoke: Before the book begins there's a weird exchange about two guys making a date. Later there's a bit where they're having the beginning of that discussion, and are told to take it to the preamble because they need the space to discuss superhero stuff.
* CaptainSuperhero: Numerous. Lampshaded in the section explaining why superheroes shouldn't try to fund their career with bank loans:
-->'''Superhero:''' "Good morning. I want to apply for a loan."\\
'''Bank official:''' "Certainly, sir. And what is your name?"\\
'''Superhero:''' "Captain Whirlwind."\\
'''Bank official:''' "Ah, a captain. Well, we offer preferential loans for veterans. What part of the forces did you serve in?"\\
'''Superhero:''' "Er ... well ... I didn't ... I'm not actually a real captain."
* CoverblowingSuperpower: A mild-mannered reporter knows a secret phrase which turns him into a blue whale, "the indomitable sultan of the seas!" Too bad he uses it in the middle of the newspaper's offices.
* CrimefightingWithCash[=/=]SignedUpForTheDental: One example features "Captain Z", who ''literally'' fights crime with cash; he offers the BigBad's mooks higher wages, paid vacations, and a health plan, then orders them to beat up their former boss.
* CurbStompBattle: Occurs in the section on cosmic powers, where Captain Cosmic uses the power of a single eyebrow to defeat the collective forces of the Crime Kings (and obliterate the Earth in the process).
* CutHimselfShaving: Heavily parodied when a sidekick explains away rope burns from a supervillain hostage situation to his teacher as him and his adoptive father "getting into some really rough stuff." Naturally, this doesn't help the situation.
* DisproportionateRetribution: Several examples are shown in the chapter on crimefighting motivations, of stuff you shouldn't concern yourself with if you want to be taken seriously.
-->''On blackest nights / on sunniest days\\
No jaywalker shall escape my gaze!"
* DreamCrushingHandicap: Captain Eagle breaks into an orphanage to find a kid whose parents were killed by a mugger and who might want revenge on crime. One boy seems promising, until one of the other orphans points out, "But you've only got one leg, Bobby-Ray!"
* DumbMuscle: The book's description of SuperStrength. It's handy in so many situations, but the stronger you get, the less you'll be able to see them, because you get less smart the stronger you are. Mainly to take some cheap shots at the lack of intellectual prowess of Creator/DolphLundgren and UsefulNotes/DanQuayle.
* EmbarrassingCoverUp: A swamp monster attempting to maintain a SecretIdentity and trying to explain away the smell by claiming to have had 'an accident' in his pants.
* EnlightenmentSuperpowers: "Becoming One With the Cosmos" is mentioned as one source of super-powers, though the reader is warned not to Become One With New York City and turning into a [[TheBigRottenApple massive pile of shit]] as a result.
* EvilLawyerJoke: Early in the book there's a section addressing [[DealWithTheDevil selling your soul to the Devil to get super powers]], and the fact that you ''can't'' wriggle out of your contract is why you shouldn't.
--> Where do you think lawyers go when they die?
** Gets even more in-depth in the section on secret identities, mostly in the one about how to act like a convincing lawyer. This includes stuff like putting broken glass in old ladies' purses for the hell of it.
* EvilSorcerer: There's a section educating the reader on this type of villain. Mainly how to tell the magicians who want to take over the world apart from the magicians just trying to make an honest buck entertaining at parties and trade shows.
* FaceDeathWithDignity: There's actually a section near the back of good things to do to face death in a heroic fashion.
* FauxToGuide: Obviously, the book is only intended to amuse the reader.
* GroinAttack: A recurring source of humor, often with a superheroic twist.
-->"I'm going to heat up your seminal fluid to 24,000C..."
* HeroismWontPayTheBills: Invoked to discuss the whys, hows, and methods for the would-be hero to license his exploits to ComicBook publishers or seek other forms of corporate sponsorship.
* HomeMadeInventions: Discussed as a way for cash-strapped heroes to get by, whether it's with homemade equipment or self-inflicted {{Cyborg}}ing...
* InstructionalTitle
* KidSidekick: Played for laughs extensively in "The Problem With Boy Wonders". Basically, a chapter on why '''not''' to have one.
* LightningCanDoAnything: Getting struck by lightning is discussed as a possible origin. A testimonial from the Amazing Scorch Mark says he got struck by lightning and now fights crime with powers of third degree burns and incurable stutter.
* LoadsAndLoadsOfRules: The primary drawback of being a member of the SpacePolice.
-->Volation 2,004,673: Xammalanning off-world without permission in triplicate.
* TheMasqueradeWillKillYourDatingLife: Discussed as an inevitable side effect of having a SecretKeeper; no matter how well-meaning your significant other is, she's not going to understand superheroic issues like cleaning alien hell-slime off your costume.
-->'''Wife:''' "Does that need a pre-soak?"
* MoralGuardians: Readers are warned to avoid seeking ComicBook sponsorship if their powers or exploits will offend the Comics Code Authority.
-->Typical things the Comics Code will not stand for:
--->1. Anyone calling himself Penis Man.\\
2. Anyone who transforms himself into a superhero by yelling the magic words, "Hey, kids, smoking is really good for you!"\\
3. Unnatural relationships with any member of the animal or plant kingdoms, no matter how integral to the plot.\\
4. Superheroes who restraint foes by sitting on their faces and wriggling.
* MyLittlePanzer: The authors warn the would-be superhero about putting his name to merchandise without checking its safety, citing such previous PR disasters as Captain Feline and Blackie the Wonder-Cat's "Kitty-Fun" playsets (a variety of ways for a child to torture a cat) and the Mr. Inferno dressing-up kit (one costume, one bottle of kerosene, one box of matches).
* {{Ninja}}: Among other villain types, has a section on how to survive battles with these masters of stealth. Mostly by randomly saying racist things about the Japanese to make them mad enough to blow their cover.
* PestController: In some light-hearted TakeThat aimed at ComicBook/AntMan, one of the superpower sections is power over the ant, and how it's actually pretty useful if employed with some imagination. Some of the examples are pretty silly (like having them ruin a villain's picnic to demoralize him before taking him on directly, having the ants form themselves into a beard or mutton chops when you go undercover), some less so (having ants crawl up the villain's pants and squirt formic acid on his privates to distract him during a crucial moment).
* PottyEmergency: According to the book, inducing one is the trick to defeating villains in PoweredArmor (or "Man-Droids"). They're completely sealed up so nothing gets in, but also nothing can get ''out''...
* PowerPerversionPotential: Lots of jokes about why having stretching powers will make you very popular with the ladies (and why other heroes without them will hate you for it).
* ProductPlacement: Listed as one of the downsides of being a superhero with a corporate sponsor:
-->They [the sponsor] insist that you use their products in the fight against crime.\\
(This may be OK if they manufacture napalm, titanium plating or radar equipment, but it's not much use if they make children's clothing, toothpaste or sanitary napkins...)
* QueerPeopleAreFunny: A regular source of gags, especially in the chapter "The Problem With Boy Wonders"
-->'''Reader:''' "I know what you're going to say. You're going to do lots of jokes about how suspect it is for a grown man to be running around with a young boy."\\
'''Narrator:''' "You peeked ahead."\\
'''Reader:''' "No, I didn't. It was blindingly obvious."
* RaisedByWolves: Parodied in the section on being a "Jungle Lord," which includes a list of orphans who didn't make it due to a poor choice of adoptive animal (and why in general this isn't a popular type of superhero to be anymore): Tomar of the Molluscs (starved to death), Mikki of the Dolphins (drowned), Sven of the Lemmings (jumped off a cliff), and Eric of the Man-Eating Bengal Tigers (guess).
* RobotMe[=/=]SexGod: The reader is warned to make sure his robot duplicate behaves exactly like him, except for ''[[NoSexAllowed one]]'' thing...
-->'''Girlfriend:''' "God, you were ''fabulous'' last night!"\\
'''Superhero:''' "What? IN BED?"\\
'''Girlfriend:''' "In bed... on the floor in front of the fire... in the bathtub... on the stairs... on top of the breakfast bar... behind the couch... in the attic... on the porch... in the rocking chair... inside the closet... under the bed... what a night! Whooo!"
* RunningGag: Boy Wonders frequently (or even exclusively) exclaim "Holy ________!"
-->'''Boy Wonder:''' "Holy Giving Away Your Secret Identity By Mistake!"
* SecretIdentity: Discussed in the chapter "Secret Identities" (''duh''). The authors' recommendations for best secret identities include millionaire playboy (so you can leverage CrimefightingWithCash) and a politician (as you can disappear at any time without accountability).
-->'''Superhero:''' "I just gotta go out for a quick blow job and score some crack, OK?"\\
'''Aide:''' "Sure thing, Senator!"
* SecretKeeper: Discussed as an inevitable effect of super-heroics, due to the hero's slip-ups:
-->1. You park your Crimemobile in the garage.\\
2. You put your dirty costume in the laundry basket.\\
3. You keep shouting, "Eat disintegrator blast, Crimemaster!" in your sleep.
* SelfMadeOrphan: This is a ''recommended'' method for becoming a superhero.
-->''Getting Your Parents Shot Dead In Front of Your Eyes''\\
At first, this might seem like a strange tactic, but if it was good enough to start ''[[Franchise/{{Batman}} you know who]]'' on one of the most successful crimefighting careers of all time, then it's certainly an avenue worth exploring!
* SelfServingMemory: One of the benefits of licensing your exploits to ComicBook companies is that they will whitewash your less-than-heroic moments. For instance, Captain Triton's [[FaintInShock fainting]] at a gory crime scene is rewritten as the result of a hidden cache of [[KryptoniteFactor argonite.]]
* ShoutOut: Lots, some obvious, like the BatSignal reference or the spoof Comicbook/GreenLantern oath, and more subtle ones like a bad idea for a costume being [[Comicbook/SpiderMan an alien symbiote pretending to be a costume]]. It's possible that the Comic Code's disapproval of plot-essential relationships with plants is a reference to ''Comicbook/SwampThing'' losing its Code seal.
* SociopathicHero: The book offers several examples and recommendations, most notably The Castrator, a man in spiked body armor who wields a bloody chainsaw.
* SuperZeroes: Lots, including Pogo Man, [[Creator/EECummings e e cummings man]], and Mr. Yoyo.
* TakeThat: Includes lots of jabs at UsefulNotes/DanQuayle.
* ToiletHumour: The source of a lot of the jokes.
* UnderwearOfPower: Specifically says to avoid this in its section on costume design.
* VineSwing: Mentioned as a means of transport, where it is said not to be suited for urban superheroes, as the closest thing cities have to vines is power lines.
* WhatKindOfLamePowerIsHeartAnyway: Gets brought up sometimes, like if you think about joining a team, make sure you know what heroes you could be trusting to save your life, like somebody whose power involves controlling peanut butter or worms. Also used to mock some of the ridiculous gimmicks that 40's heroes had in the rush to capitalize on the new fad, like Blindman, the Cross-Eyed Swami or Yo-yo Man. [[note]] Which really isn't as mean as it might seem. Some absurd, but real, examples of moronic 40's hero gimmicks including the Whistler (guess). Or the Scarlet Seal, whose main gimmick was, not even kidding, {{Yellowface}}. [[/note]]
* WildChild: Parodied in the section of superhero origins, in which being raised by wild animals is given as one possible origin. The authors then present the story of a child raised by oysters, who drowned 20 years ago and the oysters never noticed.
----