[[quoteright:200:http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/best-served-coldcover_2157.jpg]]
[[caption-width-right:200:Cover of the UK edition.]]

->''Mercy and cowardice are the same.''
-->--Monzcarro Murcatto

''Best Served Cold'' is a 2009 LowFantasy novel by Joe Abercrombie, part of his ''Literature/TheFirstLaw'' series. It's set a few years after events of the main trilogy, and a fair number of characters in it were supporting characters in the trilogy.

As might be imagined, this is a tale of {{revenge}}.

In Styria, a land of warring city-states based rather obviously on Renaissance Italy, mercenary captain Monzcarro Murcatto ("Monza") has come close to putting her employer, Duke Orzo, on the throne, which would realize his lifelong dream of supremacy. He's a suspicious man, though, and Monza's success has brought her renown; fearing that she may try to convert that into political power, he has her and her brother brutally murdered and thrown off the battlements of his fortress.

Unfortunately for him, [[NotQuiteDead he fails to ensure that she's actually dead]].

A mysterious stranger finds her broken body and nurses her back to health; suspicious in turn of his motives, Monza escapes as soon as she's able, and swears revenge on all the men present at her "murder"; seven in all, counting Orzo, his two sons, his general, Monza's treacherous second-in-command, Orzo's bodyguard, and the banker who's Orzo's financial backer.

To do this, she assembles a team of oddballs; a warrior Northman failing at becoming a better man, a numbers-obsessed ex-convict, a pompous poisoner and his gluttonous assistant, an ex-torturer, and the alcoholic old mercenary captain that Monza replaced. The task begins easily enough, but Monza soon discovers that going after the powerful has consequences — to her, to her companions, and to the fate of Styria as a whole.


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!! This work provides examples of :

* AcquiredPoisonImmunity: Morveer frequently doses himself with his own poisons to keep immune to them.
* ActionGirl: Monza. Vitari.
* AlliterativeName: Monza (Monzcarro Murcatto)
* AnAxeToGrind: Shivers.
* AntiHero: Monza; all that saves her from being a VillainProtagonist, in the beginning, is that there isn't a good side to cheer for. Sure, Duke Orzo is a villain, but Monza was his enthusiastic tool until he betrayed her, and her motives for revenge are all personal ones; that Orzo betrayed her, broke her body, and killed her beloved brother.
* TheApprentice: Day, who starts of as Morveer's apprentice and then is his assistant.
* ArcWords: Monza's "Mercy and cowardice are the same."
* BarbarianLonghair: Shivers gets an ImportantHaircut and for a time wears it in the style of the Italian Renaissance FantasyCounterpartCulture in which he's ended up. He then lets it grow long again following his FaceHeelTurn.
* BerserkButton: Friendly will put up with a lot but don't accuse him of using loaded dice. [[AxCrazy Ever.]]
* BestServedCold: It's a fitting title. You can count all the named characters who ''don't'' have some sort of revenge motivation at some point on both hands.
* BigEater: Day.
* BiggerBad: The Bank of Valint and Balk figure prominently in the story. [[spoiler:Readers of ''The First Law'' will recognize them as the proxy of the Arch Mage Bayaz and Shenkt subtly alludes to it while staring down Yoru Sulfur.]]
* BlackAndGrayMorality: By the end of the book you won't be surprised by who murders, exploits, or betrays who, you'll be surprised that it's taking them so long.
* BookEnds: The book starts and ends with the words "The sunrise was the color of bad blood."
* BreakingSpeech: Ganmark gives one to Murcatto.
* BrotherSisterIncest: [[spoiler:Monza and her brother Benna]].
* BulletTime: Shenkt can do this.
* TheButcher: Monza's epithet is "The Butcher of Caprile", because of the bloody sack of that city by her army. [[spoiler: It turns out that she gave explicit orders not to sack the city, which were ignored in her absence while she was reporting to Duke Orzo.]]
* CarnivalOfKillers:
** For one of her assassinations, Monza and co. hire a bunch of performers/killers, including a juggler/killer and a [[InstrumentOfMurder band of killers]].
** When Duke Orzo finds out that Monza is still alive, he has the best assassins and bounty hunters brought to him and offers them a big reward for killing her.
** Monza and her group would be a CarnivalOfKillers themselves were they not the protagonists: lead by a [[PrivateMilitaryContractors mercenary]] with a [[TheDreaded terrible reputation]] (Monza herself), the group has a BarbarianHero (Shivers), a MasterPoisoner (Morveer) and [[PerkyFemaleMinion apprentice]] (Day), a freelance TortureTechnician and InformationBroker (Vitari), a [[ChronicBackstabbingDisorder backstabbing]] [[PrivateMilitaryContractors mercenary]] (Cosca), and a [[TheSociopath psychopath]] who is [[TheRainman good with numbers]] (Friendly).
* CatchPhrase: Several.
** "Mercy and Cowardice are the same thing." -Monza
** "I'm trying to be a better man." -Shivers
** "Caution first, always." -Morveer
** "Six and one." -Friendly
* CharacterDevelopment: in contrast to much of ''Literature/TheFirstLaw'', there's a fair amount here, especially for Monza.
* ChekhovsGun: Subverted with [[spoiler:the King of Poisons]], but played straight with Cosca's sudden and repeated conversations about [[spoiler: his goat]].
* ChronicBackstabbingDisorder: More or less Hat of the Styrians, but Nicomo Cosca takes it as a point of pride.
* ColdBloodedTorture: Duke Salier's torturers in Visserine, and what they do to [[spoiler:Shivers]].
* ConspicuousGloves: Monza wears a glove at almost all times over one of her hands to hide the fact that it is horribly maimed/disfigured as a result of the attempt to assassinate her during the first chapter. At one point in the novel, she disguises herself as a HighClassCallGirl and is able to benefit from the fact that the "uniform" includes long opera gloves.
** [[spoiler: And Monza's formal wear including gloves for the same reasons is why she's the only member of the Styrian upper crust to survive Rogont's coronation.]]
* DeadlyDecadentCourt: Monza's failure to realize that she was part of one is how the whole story got started. The glimpses we see of the courts found in the League of Eight imply that this is the norm in Styria.
* DeathByIrony: After spending most of the novel harping on how many men his profession die, [[spoiler: Morveer]] dies in ''exactly'' the manner described.
** For that matter, so does [[spoiler: Day]].
** [[spoiler: Ganmark]] is killed by one of the works of art he invaded to steal falling on him.
* DualWielding: Friendly uses a cleaver and knife to great effect. General Ganmark is also an expert swordsman in the Union style of long and short steels.
* DuelToTheDeath: Several.
* EarnYourHappyEnding: [[spoiler:Monza ends up as Duchess of Talins, refuses to become beholden to any faction, and looks like she's going to make a strong but fair ruler with a strong practical streak. Certainly, one better than the standard run of city rulers one's encountered in the rest of the book.]]
* EvenEvilHasLovedOnes/ UnholyMatrimony: Vitari is an ex-TortureTechnician gone freelance and Shenkt is a notorious assassin [[spoiler: with cannibalism-fueled magical powers]]. They love each other dearly and dote on their children.
* EvilGloating: Lampshaded twice.
--> Morveer, liking nothing better than a captive audience, could not resist explaining how it had been managed.

-->"Why is it that men pointing loaded flatbows always feel the need to gloat, rather than [[WhyDontYouJustShootHim simply letting fly]]?"
-->"Gloating's fun."
* EyeScream: [[spoiler:Shivers]]
* FaceHeelTurn: [[spoiler:Shivers. Monza notes that he's changed from a likable optimist to a cold-blooded killer under her watch, and never trusts him again.]]
* FakeDefector: [[spoiler: Faithful Carpi]] is tricked into an ambush when Shivers pretends to betray Monza in order to claim the bounty on her head. This being Styria, his treachery is accepted with very little doubt. [[spoiler: This is foreshadowing for when Shivers tries to kill Monza for real a few chapters later.]]
* FantasyCounterpartCulture: Styria is fundamentally Renaissance Italy, made up of warring city-states.
* FantasticDrug: Husk, which Monza starts using to dull the pain of her many injuries. It appears to be a loose expy of opium.
* FiveManBand: The size and roles of Monza's crew fluctuates over time, but it hits this trope for the chapter in Westport.
** TheHero: Monza
** TheLancer: Shivers
** TheSmartGuy: Morveer
** TheBigGuy: Friendly
** TheChick: Day
* {{Foreshadowing}}:
** [[spoiler:"Be nice to come out of this with both his eyes."]]
** [[spoiler:"How do most of our competitors die?" "Poisoned by their own concoctions."]]
** [[spoiler:"Never had much of a head for treachery."]]
* FunctionalAddict:
** Monza becomes addicted to husk, and for part of the novel, is quite functional despite her dependence on it. Later on, she goes cold turkey and stops using the drug, but knows she will have cravings for the rest of her life.
** Cosca is a serious alcoholic and had reached the non-functional stage when introduced, but for the rest of the novel stays sober and functions quite well (despite desperately wanting a drink the whole time). At the end of the novel [[spoiler: [[in a subversion of CharacterDevelopment, he immediately goes back to drinking the instant that it no longer serves his plans to stay sober]].
* GoodWithNumbers: Friendly, who is obsessed with numbers, numerology, and counting to an OCD level.
* GottaKillEmAll: All seven of the men who helped "kill" her.
* HeroesPreferSwords: Monza has her trusty Calvez rapier, not a showy blade but of the highest quality.
** Used to highlight how morally gray the main cast is. Friendly uses a sword once in the whole novel, and expresses distaste for it before leaving it in his victim and going back to his knife and cleaver. Shivers uses a sword before [[spoiler: his FaceHeelTurn]] and switches to an axe after.
* HoistByHisOwnPetard: Morveer goes to great lengths to ensure that he won't be poisoned by his own concoctions, drilling Day endlessly about what a common fate this is for poisoners. [[spoiler: This doesn't prevent his death when Cosca forces Morveer's own mounted needle into the poisoner's neck.]]
* HeroicSacrifice: deliciously subverted with [[spoiler:Cosca's apparent death in Visserine]]. He is [[spoiler:found by the invading soldiers, mistaken for a friendly casualty because of the uniform he stole and wore to infiltrate, and nursed back to health.]] He then [[spoiler:proceeds to reclaim leadership of the Thousand Swords, right from under Monza's nose.]]
* HighClassCallGirl: Carlot dan Eider has become one as part of her role as a HoneyTrap working for The Union.
** Monza and Vitari disguise themselves as these during their plot to kill Aryo.
* HourglassPlot: Monza starts out as coldly ruthless and expresses a mocking attitude toward Shivers' optimism and desire to be a better person (and continually encourages him to engage in shady behavior). Eventually, Monza has a FaceRealization and ends up as a better person, whereas Shivers has a FaceHeelTurn, and Monza despairs about how he turned out given how he started.
* ImAHumanitarian: [[spoiler: Shenkt and Ishri]], continuing the proud traditions of the Eaters.
* IronicEcho: At the very start of the novel, Orzo asks Monza, then his prize general, "Monza, Monza. What would I do without you?" At the end of the novel and at the final step of Monza's RoaringRampageOfRevenge, Orzo asks Monza what she'll do with her life once she's no longer consumed with a desire for revenge by asking, "Monza, Monza. What would do you without me?"
** To a lesser degree, [[spoiler: Prince Aryo]]'s death. Monza stabs him and then throws him off a balcony, just as was done to her.
* IronicName/ IronicNickname: Zigzagged with Friendly. He's TheComicallySerious as opposed to jovial and is a self-confessed psychopath, but in some respect, the name fits, as he is the least actively malicious character.
* {{Irony}}: Holy shit, where do we start? With the fact that [[spoiler:half the betrayals in the book are by accident?]] Or how [[spoiler:Morveer does more to aid Monza after turning on her than he did when he was working for her?]] The only constants in this story are that almost any slight will be avenged, almost every trust will be betrayed, and that you can't stop the consequences of your actions. That leads to a lot of irony of the situational, cosmic, and tragic varieties.
* ItsPersonal: Duke Orzo killed Monza's beloved brother Benna (as well as almost killing and permanently maiming Monza herself.
* JerkWithAHeartOfGold: Monza. [[spoiler:Cosca nails it, near the end, after she repeats that "Mercy and cowardice are the same": "Do you know why I always loved you, Monza? Even after you betrayed me? More, after you betrayed me? Because I know you don't really believe any of that rubbish. Those are the lies you tell yourself so you can live with what you've done. What you've had to do."]]
* LargeHam: Nicomo Cosca. Actually plot relevant, as [[spoiler: Victus]] understands that the praise Cosca heaps upon his fallen comrades is a lie [[spoiler: and Cosca has been executing them]].
* MadDoctor: The Bone Thief [[spoiler: Shenkt]] who [[MeatgrinderSurgery puts Monza back together]].
* MagicVersusScience: Morveer is a strong advocate of science, and magic is not strongly believed in Styria.
* TheManBehindTheMan: A magus. Always.
* ManipulativeBastard: [[spoiler: Benna Murcatto ]] has been manipulating Monza throughout her career as mercenary and was planning to use her [[spoiler: to make himself the Duke or Orzo]]. He got away with it for so long only because [[spoiler: he was her brother]].
* ManlyGay: Ganmark was expelled from the Union army for a sexual indiscretion with another officer. He rules out a BiTheWay scenario when he tells Monza that her brother was more his type. That said, Ganmark is otherwise the epitome of a masculine gentlemen, being a preeminent swordsman, a master general, and WickedCultured to boot.
* MasterPoisoner: Morveer.
* MeaningfulName:
** Castor Morveer: the castor bean is the source of ricin, a lethal and hard-to-trace poison.
** Day, Morveer's apprentice, is blonde and appears sunnily innocent.
** Caul Shivers, like all Northern Named Men, bears a meaningful nickname. He's named 'Caul' for being born with a caul (part of the amniotic sac) on his head, but 'Shivers' is thanks to falling in a freezing cold river on his first raid and climbing out shivering with cold. He tells people sometimes that it's because his enemies shiver with terror, but this is a lie.
* MeatgrinderSurgery: The way the Bone Thief puts Monza back together in this manner after her grisly attempted murder and near-fatal fall. It borders on a non-cyborg version of WeCanRebuild him, as it seems pretty clear that there is no way normal medical techniques could have healed someone who had suffered such extensive injuries.
* MoralDissonance: Monza stops just short of calling WhatTheHellHero on [[spoiler: Shivers]] when he murders [[spoiler: Prince Foskar]] with his bare hands after the man has begged for mercy. This trope is invoked deliberately to illustrate without a doubt that [[spoiler: Shivers]] ''isn't'' a heroic character anymore.
* NoKillLikeOverkill: To make sure [[spoiler: Mauthis]] is good and dead, Morveer goes ahead and poisons [[spoiler:every single ledger in the bank, killing an extra forty or so people in the process.]]
* NotGoodWithRejection: The final piece of [[spoiler: Shivers']] FaceHeelTurn is when his feelings of rejection make him decide to betray [[spoiler: Monza]], though it takes him some time to commit to the idea.
* NotQuiteDead: Monza, who Duke Orzo is convinced that he killed. [[spoiler: Later, Nicomo Cosca.]]
* OnlyKnownByTheirNickname: Friendly's real name is never revealed, nor do any characters seem to take interest in it, to the point that his official title in the Thousand Swords is "First Sergeant Friendly."
* PerfectPoison: the opening scene for master poisoner Castor Morveer shows him showing his apprentice, Day, the most potent poison he knows, "The King of Poisons", a toxin that is both completely undetectable and impossible to build up an immunity against, and should only be used against someone who is protected against all else to keep the secret. However [[spoiler: much to Day's later dismay, the "King of Poisons" is merely a sham concocted by Morveer in case the apprentice betrays him, and is in fact harmless.]]
* PerkyFemaleMinion: Day, to Morveer.
* PoisonAndCureGambit: Used several times by Morveer and Day, sometimes played straight, but other times there was in fact no poison at all; in one of those cases, the "antidote" was actually the real poison, tricking the victim into consuming it themselves.
* PoisonedWeapon: Morveer and Day use poisoned needles as weapons.
* PsychoForHire: An argument could be made for any of Monza's recruits but it comes across most consistently with Morveer. He initially appears to be a sophisticated, if slightly eccentric gentleman assassin but his egomania and disdain for human life quickly become apparent. As more and more of his back story opens up it only gets worse. Subverted in how he frets about his own lack of people skills and how at times he genuinely wants people to relate to and understand him.
** Subverted with [[spoiler:Shenkt.]]
* QuirkyMiniBossSquad: Orso's inner circle who participated in the attack on Monza and Benna.
** Andiche, Sessaria, and Victus: the commanders reporting directly to the captain general of the Thousand Swords.
* RagTagBunchOfMisfits: Monza's revenge crew.
* TheRainman - Friendly, with his obsessive-compulsive counting.
* RequiredSecondaryPowers: [[spoiler: Shenkt]]'s BulletTime power gives him the ability to use his bare hands as cutting and piercing weapons, owing to their supernatural velocity. It ''also'' renders his limbs immune to the inertia of his actions, so he doesn't smash ''himself'' to bits as his hands pierce through muscle and bone at high velocity.
* {{Revenge}}: Monza's motivation.
* RoaringRampageOfRevenge: Monza systematically works her way through the list of those who participated in her brother's murder and her attempted murder.
* ScarsAreForever: Abercrombie loves his scarred and maimed characters, and this is no exception; Monza is stabbed, crushed and broken before being thrown off the battlements of Fontezarmo and down a mountain, and there's a limit to how much you can be repaired after that. Her right hand is ruined, her face and body scarred all over, and she is in almost constant pain.
* SdrawkcabAlias: Morveer's GoToAlias is to call himself Reevrom.
* SelfMadeOrphan: [[spoiler:Morveer spends the whole book griping to himself about his time in the orphanage. When he finally questions if he did anything wrong he decides that everything from poisoning his mother on was the right thing to do.]]
* SexMontage: Used brilliantly in a scene that initially looks like [[spoiler: Monza and Shivers]] patching things up, but slowly reveals that, while both are having sex, it isn't with each other.
* TheStarscream: EVERY captain general of the Thousand Swords has been deposed by his or her right-hand man. [[spoiler:Cosca learns from the ordeal. After being reinstated he begins offing the generals who supported his overthrow.]]
* StraightGay: General Ganmark.
* TheReveal:
** [[spoiler: Shenkt is the bone thief from the start of the story.]]
** [[spoiler: And Orzo's fears were well-founded, as Benna was planning to overthrow him without Monza's knowledge.]]
* TwistedEchoCut: There's a scene at the party the protagonists crash where Monza/Vitari and Shivers/Cosca engage in the same conversation, but in different contexts.
* UnspokenPlanGuarantee: Played straight and subverted. Duke Rogont's plan has already failed by the time Monza tells it back to him, then it suddenly works exactly as planned due to an unspoken factor. Benna was fond of unspoken plans that he could reveal to Monza as fait accompli; {{TheReveal}}s of when they worked foreshadow the real {{Reveal}}.
* UnreliableNarrator: Monza's injuries are described as being far more disfiguring when she is the viewpoint character. She expresses disgust at the state of her body after the raid on Cardotti's House of Leisure; this is after she's been called "quite fine" by Shivers and hand-picked by the King of the Union while wearing an outfit that the narration makes clear leaves "very little to the imagination."
* UnwittingPawn: Monza has been manipulated into most of the infamous actions that form her backstory by [[spoiler: her brother Benna]]. At the beginning of the book [[spoiler: Shenkt]] plans to use her as a pawn against Duke Orzo and the Bank of Valint and Balk but she gets away. Ironically [[spoiler: she fulfills Shenkt's plan all on her own]].
* WeaponOfChoice: Played straight with Monza's Calvez rapier, Friendly's cleaver, Vitari's chain (mentioned rarely, but carried over from the main trilogy), Ganmark's Union-style steels, and Morveer and Day's poisoned needles and blowguns. Played for laughs with Cosca's gilt-encrusted sword, which he lists "can be pawned" as one of its better qualities (and it's condition when Cosca is introduced). Played with in Shivers' use of a sword [[spoiler: before losing his eye]] and an axe later, used to signify his [[spoiler: FaceHeelTurn]].
* WhamEpisode: [[spoiler: Visserine. This marks Shiver's FaceHeelTurn, the dissolution of trust between him and Monza, the end of Cosca's service, and the time at which the League of Eight's fall is seen as inevitable.]]
* WhereItAllBegan: [[spoiler:Monza confronts Orzo in his fortress of Fontezarmo, where he had her "killed" in the beginning.]]
* WhyDontYouJustShootHim: Lampshaded twice.
--> The Bloody-Nine had told him once - if you mean to kill, you kill, you don't talk about it - and it was advice he'd always tried to stick to. ... He wasn't sure if he was talking to stretch the moment out or talking to put the moment off. But he was talking, still.

-->"Why is it that men pointing loaded flatbows always feel the need to gloat, rather than simply letting fly?"
* WickedCultured: The magnificent statue of Stolicus is explicitly stated to have been the object of at least two wars, as various Styrian generals (and later, Ganmark) have sought to add the master sculptor's greatest work to their personal collections.
* YourApprovalFillsMeWithShame: Monza is not pleased when the female soldier who tortured Shivers and herself (not knowing who they were), later tells Monza (once she knows who her prisoner was) how she considers Monza to be her hero and an inspiration.
* YouAreBetterThanYouThinkYouAre: At the end of the novel, Cosca gives Monza a touching speech about how despite her pretentions to ruthlessness, she is actually a good person (see JerkWithAHeartOfGold). He gives this as a reason why he loved her and still loves her despite her betraying him [[spoiler: in addition to the fact that Cosca knows Benna was the one who betrayed him and basically roped Monza into going along with it]].
* YouCantGoHomeAgain: [[spoiler: Friendly]] feels this way after discovering that [[spoiler: Safety]] has been abandoned.