->''"Isaac Clarke is basically the character who does everything we keep yelling at people in horror films to do. He has a suit of armor that he never takes off, he uses convenient high-powered cutting tools to carve his initials into slime monsters, and he never speaks, because he knows his dialogue would have to come from the same God-awful script that all the other sods are using."''
-->-- '''[[WebAnimation/ZeroPunctuation Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw]]''' on '''''VideoGame/DeadSpace'''''

Why should the EvilOverlord have all the GenreSavvy [[EvilOverlordList knowledge]]? Anyone can figure out what to do, depending on what kind of fiction they are in, and what kind of character they are.

Read these lists, and you'll be GenreSavvy, or close enough. Fail to read them, and your GenreBlindness will condemn you to pick up any IdiotBall you see, perhaps even become TooDumbToLive. Just make sure you read the ''[[WrongGenreSavvy right]]'' list. As a note, any one of these might count just as well for another kind of story (for example, Caveat Emptor when entering TheLittleShopThatWasntThereYesterday is a given in both a transformation comic and a horror story) but it's your choice how much of each genre you decide to be savvy about in any given moment.

Note that developing one's character further, whether good or evil, is ''always'' beneficial. No matter what genre you're in, it makes you popular among the fanbase, and may even make the story more popular--which is, again, always good. Done properly, it may even induce characters of the opposite side to assist you.

''Please feel free to add any tips you have in the relevant sections.''

!! By Character Type

[[folder: Antagonists and Villains]]
* If you are an EvilOverlord, just go to the EvilOverlordList. Duh.
** [[http://nift.firedrake.org/EEmpress.htm The Evil Empress list]] is a nice addition for women wanting to break into the Evil Overlord business.
** And for a distillation, give some thought to Forbes.com's ''[[http://www.forbes.com/sites/alexknapp/2012/02/13/five-leadership-mistakes-of-the-galactic-empire/ Five Leadership Mistakes of the Galactic Empire]]''.
* If you are one of the Evil Overlord's [[{{Mook}} Henchmen]], go [[http://www.worldconquer.org/evil_overlord.html here]]. Includes Legion of Doom troops, Evil Cultists, Trusted Lieutenants, DaddysLittleVillain, and [[BobFromAccounting Accountants]].
** Do not increase your power by any method that creates a [[WeaksauceWeakness silly yet lethal weakness]]. ([[Literature/SkulduggeryPleasant For instance, do not make yourself fireproof if it means that water will kill you.]])
** Never consent to wear a helmet with a rictus of fury embossed on the visor. The side with helmets like that always loses, and besides, they make you look stupid if worn during innocuous conversation.
** When invading a home to [[SecretPolice arrest someone]], don't [[ThereWasADoor blast down doors]] that are unlocked anyway. It's [[VillainWithGoodPublicity bad PR]].
** Adaptability is key; the first rule is to ensure my survival, so there is no shame in a temporary alliance with the enemy. If I get into a problem that only the hero can help me out with, I will ask or bargain for said help, and refrain from stabbing the hero immediately in the back once said help is given.
** In particular, I will make sure to consider this rule if a being who threatens both of us introduces itself. We can always fight over the city later--if the ''world'' explodes into a fiery ball, that helps no one. Unless that's my plan, and I actually know how to survive and enjoy life in a desolate wasteland.
** If you are a member of a [[CreatingLife created species]], make sure that [[CannonFodder when]] you die you simply become a [[NoBodyLeftBehind corpse]]. Nothing screams '[[EldritchAbomination abomination]]' like a lack of post-mortem [[NoOntologicalInertia ontological inertia]].
** As a {{mook}}, if [[ConservationOfNinjitsu there are many of you and you are well armed and one hero comes out to stop you]], if that one hero gives you a chance to run, you should take it.
*** If [[Literature/{{Discworld}} that hero is a bald, smiling old man]] you should run even quicker.
*** If I am an unarmed mook without backup of any form and the hero is giving me a chance to not get beat up/arrested for defying them, I will gladly and immediately comply with whatever they ask of me. I might receive bonus points if I simultaneously demonstrate my wit.
*** If you are facing a guy called the [[{{Manga/Berserk}} hundred man]] [[OneManArmy slayer]] and there are less than 101 of you, you are screwed. If you happen to be the last mook standing in said fight, go buy a lottery ticket.
*** If you are facing a guy called the [[Manga/{{Trigun}} Human]] [[PersonOfMassDestruction Typhoon]], It's time to haul ass outta there! There's a good chance he might obliterate everything within his general area, and getting caught in the [[SphereOfDestruction ensuing energy dome of death]] should not be your [[TooDumbToLive idea of a fun time]].
*** I will also go out of my way to avoid confronting someone whose name includes words like "serious", "nuke", or "hazard".
*** Remembering as a {{Mook}} that if you [[NominalImportance have a name]] and haven't crossed the MoralEventHorizon, it's highly likely that [[RedemptionEarnsLife Redemption Won't Equal Death]]. That means you should be considering a HeelFaceTurn at any given moment, perhaps aiming to become a LovableTraitor or LoveableRogue--because hey, [[PunchClockHero it's just a job, man]]. Unless you're dealing with an AntiHero--then aim to become a RunningGag IneffectualSympatheticVillain and [[KickTheDog avoid any dogs like the plague.]]
** If that [[MetalGear cardboard box over there]] [[MobileShrubbery appears to have moved a couple of paces while you were looking in another direction]], '''[[JustShootHim SHOOT IT]].'''
** If you receive a visit from a superior officer for a surprise inspection, '''SHOOT HIM DEAD.''' [[Webcomic/TheOrderOfTheStick We do not have surprise inspections. Ever. Especially not at night.]]
*** At least make him wait until you check with CQ. If you cannot check remotely, drag the person down with you. If you cannot leave your post, make him stand there until CQ gets there.
** As the [[DaddysLittleVillain Evil Overlord's Wicked but Beautiful Daughter]], I will see whether TheHero is firmly attached to his LoveInterest, and if so, I will start to check out his friends and associates; ChangingOfTheGuard may come.
*** Also, no matter how in love with TheHero I am, I will not apologize in a manner likely to prove fatal.
*** I will strongly consider opting for the MadScientistsBeautifulDaughter, and then when TheHero defeats my father, [[CutLexLuthorACheck selling all his marvelous inventions.]]
** If I am the Evil Overlord's treasurer/accountant and he discovers the pot of money that I've been siphoning a portion of his ill-gotten gains into for my own retirement, I will tell him that it was a secret secondary pool of money in case some devious hacker or masterful thief managed to steal all of his funds so that he wouldn't be actually broke (reassuring him all the while that this could never happen, of course, but saying that making contingency plans is always a good idea. If he disagrees with me on that sentiment, I will fake my own death and get out of there ''fast''). If he asks why he wasn't told, I'll say it's that the less people knew the better for security reasons and that then he wouldn't spend it accidentally (or not) himself. At NO point will I start pleading, grovelling or crying--these are clear signs of guilt, and you really do not want to be guilty in this situation.
* If you are a MadScientist, refer to [[http://nift.firedrake.org/EEmpress.htm#Geniuses this list]].
* Here's a growing list for aspiring {{Evil Chancellor}}s: The EvilChancellorList.
* If you think you need to invade Earth or wipe out humanity, read [[http://web.archive.org/web/20090420151832/http://talisiorder.ca/worldbuilding/alienguide.php this list]] first. It might save you much embarrassment. See also HowToInvadeAnAlienPlanet.
** If, for some reason, I have decided to exterminate all life on Earth so that I can extract some precious resource, I will keep in mind that the debris of an exploded planet is just as minable as the planet itself.
* If you are TheChessmaster, you already knew we were going to write [[GambitIndex this list]].
** The biggest threat to my plan is any hero that knows how to use an IndyPloy. This person will attempt to do something incredibly bizarre that will stop the plan internally, get the people under my control to fight back, or both. I will enact fitting countermeasures.
* And [[http://web.archive.org/web/20110819222901/http://www.kaila.pl/rpg/vampire.htm here's]] a list for [[OurVampiresAreDifferent vampires]]. Now [[ThingsIWillDoIfIAmEverTheVampire available]] in all its [[TvTropesWillRuinYourLife TVTropes]] listy glory
** I will know that all villains are somewhat alike. Therefore the other lists might apply to us vampires as well.
** As all villains are alike, I will know they are also different. For example, if one Evil Overlord thing does not apply to vampires, at least I will ignore it and find one that does.
** If my religious beliefs determine what religious symbols can stop me, I'll find a dead religion from somewhere a long way from where I reside and worship the GodOfEvil whose only symbol is a 6-legged [[BearsAreBadNews polar bear]] being ridden by a [[EverythingsBetterWithPenguins penguin]] and whose worship was banned under pain of death. Atheism is useful in the short term, but being held up by ''The God Delusion'' isn't fun. If nothing suitable comes up, I'll StartMyOwn and then set the local MoralGuardians on them, with the added benefit of keeping their attention away from me whilst the cult dies.
* ''If you are none of those, refer to this very page.''
** I will not be a DesignatedVillain. They have a good chance of biting it, even when they don't really deserve it. If [[YouCantFightFate I can't avoid dying]], I might as well be a true CardCarryingVillain and ''earn'' my KarmicDeath.
** I will not use a gigantic death machine to kill my victims, I will simply [[JustShootHim shoot them]]. If I must use a death machine, I will wait and watch their demise. And if I absolutely must leave, I will have several dozen guards posted, in case of his inevitable escape.
*** If I must use the death machine, and I CANNOT remain in attendance, I will continue with my plan as if the hero were alive and free.
* A warning: if you do decide to go with this advice, but mess up ''even once'', the Good Guys probably won't pull any punches and might actually ''kill'' you DeaderThanDead. A safer, if less profitable, route is to deliberately hold the VillainBall. The [[Literature/{{Discworld}} old Count Magpyr, Evil Harry Dread]], and [[WesternAnimation/TheVentureBrothers the Guild of Calamitous Intent]] prove that ContractualGenreBlindness has its advantages as well.
* Another warning If I believe I have the hero in my power, and he suddenly very calmly offers to help me in some way that will greatly benefit me provided I don't carry through with my murderous plan, I will take the offer at once. He might have one last trick up his sleeve, which will result in my immediate death if I refuse. Besides, I can always carry out my murderous plan later.
* Also, if I'm a Villain, I will try to take the time to notice the general mood and setting of the story I'm in and go from there. If I'm in a darker, more serious-mannered storyline, then feel free to stick around as a Villain. Sure, if I mess up, there is a good chance I will suffer a rather gruesome KarmicDeath, but there is actually a pretty good chance that I will be allowed to ever win at anything at all. However, if the story is more light-hearted and it looks like it will stay that way, I will do myself a favor and try to come up with a remotely convincing HeelFaceTurn; otherwise, chances are I'll never know what Victory is like.
** Should the hero/heroine be [[GodModeSue beyond overpowered]] anyhow in either case, I'm [[FailureIsTheOnlyOption out of luck.]]
* Is she wearing jeans or sweatpants and athletic shoes? Low-heeled anything? Hell, even pointy-toed shoes? I will avoid this female like the plague ([[GroinAttack for the sake of my willy]]). And I will never work alone when attempting to ambush or accost one.
* If I am part of a criminal group and find myself [[GuiltRiddenAccomplice feeling guilty]] and wanting to come clean, I will ''not'' tell the other criminals this or announce that I am separating myself from the group. They will kill me to preserve the secret, or even out of suspicion that I ''might.'' Instead, I will simply go to the police or any ReasonableAuthorityFigure, ''without'' drawing attention to myself, and quietly confess my crimes.
* If a particular attack causes me to expose my weak spot, regardless of its otherwise effectiveness ''I will stop using it''.
** If the only way the hero can damage me if by reflecting the orbs of light I fire at him, I will stick to my regular moveset and simply omit that move.
* If [[IdiotBall in a fit of utter stupidity]] I construct a bomb with visible wires, I will not make any of them red.
** Alternatively, I will make them all red.
** Or I will make the red one, when pulled, blow up the bomb immediately.
* I will not try to use a machine or potion developed by my MadScientist without them clearly explaining to me what it is for and how to use it properly.
** Similarly, I will not attempt to steal the powerful artefacts of another race without having them explain what they do and ''every'' stage of their use in detail. Whatever I do, I certainly won't do a [[Anime/DragonballZ Freeza]] and kill the lot of them only to realise that there's no-one left to explain why the ancient artefact isn't doing what I tell it.
*** They may also be waiting for the artefact to automatically strike down the impure of heart who attempt to wield it, so I won't let myself be made their fool just because I couldn't be bothered waiting for instructions. To that end, I will have one of my [[WeHaveReserves expendable]] {{Mook}}s actually activate the thing just in case, unless usage of it is explicitly tied to the one who unleashes it.
* Being interrupted in the middle of a ritual is a real bummer. As a guideline, any single ritual longer than 15 or so seconds (30 seconds maximum) can generally be replaced with the appropriate use of a 12-gauge shotgun or other mundane weapon of choice.
* For the Beautiful But Wicked Daughter/Evil And Cunning Son: If I have recently occupied the position formerly held by my evil father/mother (this can be my own doing if I so choose), I will declare to the populace that the Reign Of Terror is over and that there shall be Peace And Harmony Throughout The Land. That way I'll still get that position of power I wanted, the people will be ''glad'' that I'm in charge, any local Heroes will be in a (false) sense of security, and if I really can't resist the urge to oppress some peasants then I can always reveal myself as EvilAllAlong and crush their image of my gracious puppy-loving self, boo hoo.
** In order to make the above point easier (not the 'EvilAllAlong' bit), I will announce that the Legions Of Terror will be repurposed as an army for the good of the realm. To that end, it might be a good idea to start a war with a nearby region I can easily trounce. The trick is to get ''them'' to attack me first, which should be easy.
* If, as a {{Mook}}, I am used as a guinea pig by the Evil Overlord in an experiment and I ''like'' my enhancement, awesome. If I ''don't'' like it, I will pull a HeelFaceTurn and plead tearfully to the Hero. Generally, minions who have been wronged by their masters get sympathy both from the Heroes and the plot.
* If the plot is approaching/in its climactic stages, [[DisneyVillainDeath I will not fall off anything.]] Not only am I guaranteed to die on impact, it's a pretty pathetic way to go. I mean, I could have been [[KarmicDeath devoured alive by my own cyborg animal drones]], for goodness' sake.
* While keeping an important key on a chain around my neck isn't a bad security idea, I will make sure to tuck it under my nightwear before I go to sleep so some enterprising hero can't steal it while I lie there helpless. To help this, a short and relatively tight chain is a good measure, although I will make sure I can't be choked using it.
* If I recruit an illegal organisation to do all the dirty work in my plans that [[VillainWithGoodPublicity I don't want associated with my squeaky clean image]] I will make they do not have the same initials as me or my business, re-naming one or the other if necessary. The irony is delicious, but all it does is tip off heroes.
* Despite many of the above pointers, sometimes it may actually be appropriate to gloat over my heroic nemesis. For example, it will be easier to corrupt his mind if he has already lost all hope in the future of the Heroic Struggle. However, should this be the case, I will not spend ages arranging a private demonstration for him that gives his allies plenty of time to prepare a rescue. I will simply ''describe'' it to him, and if he truly values his cause then that will be just as devastating. I will then get on with the brainwashing or whatever it was ''immediately''.
* If I end up in an conversation with the heroes, I will either keep an [[AffablyEvil affable]] behaviour in hopes to be granted mercy or an [[FauxAffablyEvil faux affable]] behaviour in order to get their guards down.
* If I have a reliable [[TheDragon Dragon]] but then acquire a new one who does the old one's job even more effectively, I will not say 'Excellent! As soon as we have disposed of your predecessor, you can be my new right-hand-man!' This will cause my old Dragon to turn on me in revenge, which is not a good situation to be in. I will instead say 'Excellent! As soon as you have proved that you're not just here to backstab me when you earn my approval, [[CoDragons you can be my]] ''[[CoDragons other]]'' [[CoDragons right-hand-man.]]'
** This goes double for my MadScientist, who by definition is unstable and therefore needs very little provocation to turn on me and is more susceptible to a fit of jealousy over their more talented replacement.
* Recruiting a new member of my villainous inner circle will require them to have spoken at some point in my presence. Anyone who never speaks the whole time they are on my side, even on probation, will not be considered. If it's a good guy in disguise, this makes them easier to catch. If it's an EldritchAbomination, the mute ones are the most dangerous.
* I will not design a secret passage that can be activated [[BookcasePassage by anyone with OCD simply rearranging the books on my shelf]].
* I will never tell TheHero "To keep the fight fun, I'll even let you have your weapons/friends back!" Being killed is ''really'' not that fun.
* Regardless of the chance it affords to have a unique and menacing weapon, I will never have my name carved/embossed on my WeaponOfChoice. If I do that, I may as well include an address and P.O. Box to my hideout as well.
* If I use a villainous alias, I will consider the advantages of making it a long one so that when TheHero shouts 'This is the end, !' it should give me a few crucial milliseconds (if not ''actual'' seconds) of reaction time to do something like start running, call the guard or get the first hit in.
** Not ''too'' long, though, or they'll just abbreviate it and defeat the entire point. (Not to mention that shortening "Bobalubastisos" to "Bob" is just embarrassing.)
** There is, of course, no need to make this backlash upon myself. 'Fear the wrath of !' is impractical but can be easily replaced by 'Fear my wrath!' and give me the time I need.
* If I'm trying to hypnotise/generally reduce people's mental awareness through subliminal methods, I will go for the 'intoxicating fragrance' method ''last''. There are so many things that can go wrong, not to mention that having to wear a gas mask may give the game away.
* When it comes to programming my robotic minions to protect me at all costs, I will include special commands to stop them getting any ideas about protecting me from myself.
* If someone I trust tells me that I 'truly deserve everything that's coming to you', I will stop trusting them. This is a favoured use of ExactWords from undercover heroes where they can answer my question without having to lie. If they really were on my side, they'd just ''tell'' me that they think I'm brilliant.
* When brainwashing underlings, I will change their general overview of the world to match my ideals rather than a specific, rigid thought pattern that can fall apart at the slightest logical contradiction that they can't cope with, causing them to revert to their original personality.
** I will also not brainwash them in a way that can be defused by the sodding power of Friendship. [[labelnote:*]]As soon as anyone manages to figure out what that is. Friendship ''always'' seems to work.[[/labelnote]]
* If we are a HiveMind collective, we will be selective about who or what is allowed into our collective, rather than indiscriminately assimilating anything that's not us. Ten HiveMind collectives out of ten meet their downfall because they got greedy and tried to assimilate something they should have killed instead, like the Hero or one of his allies.
** The AssimilationPlot will not be our sole or primary reason to exist. HiveMind collectives that do nothing except assimilate come off as abominations to be destroyed...and then often ''are'' destroyed enough times for VillainDecay to set in. There are plenty of other things we can accomplish as a collective besides adding to our number.
** If it's at all possible, we will just not use assimilation at all, no matter the reason, even if we are capable of it. We will increase or maintain our numbers by breeding (if we're biological) or manufacturing (if we're mechanical) them ourselves.
** Any individual that exists within our structures that is not of the collective and isn't there with our consent will not be ignored, even if they are not a threat. Instead, they will be detained and subject to a background check. Our next course of action will depend on what or who turns up in that background check.
* If I am TheRival, TheBully, the AlphaBitch, or some other form of antagonist who is constantly fighting against one specific person I'll attempt to perform a full-on HeelFaceTurn if my rival/target swears they'll get revenge on me or strange things start happening in town. I will also avoid fighting the person directly if I have a problem, since a few group members questioning if I'm getting soft is preferable to what will end up happening if I cross the protagonist one too many times.
** Also, if I am a member of [[TheRival The Rival's]] or the [[AlphaBitch Alpha Bitch's]] posse I'll try to avoid being [[ALighterShadeofBlack too mean to others]], especially if strange things start happening. Since I'm just a member of the back-up squad I don't have as much pressure put on me if I leave the group, and while it might get my old group's members angry [[NoHoldsBarredBeatdown it's preferable to what the protagonist will do to me when my old group steps out of line]].
* If I am a HeroKiller, I will try to stay out of the spotlight as much as possible and make sure all of my kills are done in private. While I'm able to fight heroes, the more public I am about being a HeroKiller the more likely the next hero I fight will be the one to kill me. I'll also try to cover up as many of those deaths as I can, that way nobody goes on a RoaringRampageOfRevenge against me.
* If I am an EmotionEater who gains [[ThePowerOfLove power from love]], I will not dismiss its power if used against me. If someone says "My love will give you strength", that will be my cue to stop them, by any means necessary.
** I will also keep {{One True Love}}s, third-party protagonists associated with either OneTrueLove, and any TrueCompanions of the same separated from one another and/or kept in a state in which none of them can tap ThePowerOfLove in themselves, each other, or anybody else.
** I will avoid fixating on romantic love for my meal. Writers love it when I do this, because then they can [[DeusExMachina blindside me in my moment of triumph]] with [[TheFourLoves the other three Loves]].
* If the weapon of ultimate power I desire changes allegiance through its master's defeat, I will determine its current master and defeat them before obtaining it from its resting place, even and especially if that person is one of my own.
* If I am the monster in a horror movie, I will be sure to make my dwelling in some city or town where a lot of [[AssholeVictim people that horror movie audiences won't be sorry to see die]] are living. This increases the odds that [[TheBadGuyWins I'll triumph]] over the {{Designated Hero}}s trying to stop me from eating them, since a lot of the audience will be [[RootingForTheEmpire on my side]] in this endeavor. I might even be promoted to TheScourgeOfGod!
* If, despite these precautions, I discover that one of my intended victims is a [[FinalGirl straight-edged, virginal, compassionate female]], I will chow down on her friends and just leave her alone; her friends should keep me well-fed for some time to come, and getting gluttonous will only get me killed. If all her apparent decency [[BitchInSheepsClothing turns out to be a facade]], I can always [[SuddenSequelDeathSyndrome get her in the sequel]].
** If she has a boyfriend or even just a LoveInterest, however, I'll be careful to check to make sure ''he'' [[DomesticAbuser deserves to die]] before chowing down. I can never tell when those [[JerkassGods sneaky writers]] are going to go pulling a GenderFlip on that whole FinalGirl thing by having her sacrifice herself to save her goody-two-shoes male friend from me. Again, there's always time to [[SuddenSequelDeathSyndrome get him in the sequel]] if I need to.

[[folder: Protagonists and Heroes]]
* If you are the [[{{Heroes}} Hero]], refer to [[ThingsIWillDoIfIAmEverTheHero this]] list.
* If you expect to fight an evil overlord, also refer to [[http://web.archive.org/web/20090529103614/http://talisiorder.ca/worldbuilding/heroguide.php this list]].
* If you are a Rogue on the side of good, refer to [[http://www.true-magic.com/writing/rogue.php this list]]. If you are a Rogue on the side of good of the female persuasion, take the first list into account and add [[http://arialyne.deviantart.com/art/Lady-Rogues-Handbook-187971487 this one]] to it.
* Instead of a [[TastesLikeDiabetes twee little]] [[TeamPet monkey or ferret or the like]], [[NonHumanSidekick my familiar]] will be a [[PetMonstrosity venomous snake]] or something similarly capable of defending itself. Bonus points if the pet [[FlawExploitation triggers]] a [[WhyDidItHaveToBeSnakes phobia]] in the villain.
** Even so, [[KillerRabbit I won't overlook the cute pets]].
* Anyone who talks about their sword being thirsty is irredeemably evil. It's an even worse sign if the [[ArtifactOfDoom sword]] [[EvilWeapon actually IS thirsty]].
** Unless that person appears to be holding back said weapon through willpower. In that case they may be using a cursed blade, but restraining it's demonic power from unleashed and hurting the innocent. make note of them they may make a strong ally.
* If my liege begins [[BrainWashed acting]] [[DemonicPossession strangely]], especially if his [[MindControlEyes eyes]] or appearance look suspicious, I will draw appropriate conclusions.
* If I ever become aware of information of something fantastic or unusual in my setting, I will not tell the police the whole truth of the story, lest they think I'm insane. I will instead give them a plausible-sounding story about the villain, and then let them figure out the rest when they arrive to help me.
* If [[RightMakesMight my strength is as the strength of ten]] because my heart is [[IncorruptiblePurePureness pure]], I will not pick a fight when there are eleven bad guys.
** I will also remember Lancelot and make sure to ''keep'' my heart (and other parts) pure, or at least weigh the "strength of ten" thing against the momentary pleasure of a boinking.
* If one of my teammates starts to constantly separate themselves from the group or act excessively angry or sad, (or even happy, if their usual personality is the opposite) I will make the time to take them aside and ask why, even if they're naturally a loner. If I'm wrong, there's no harm done, and if I'm right, I may have just uncovered a traitor--or PTSD issues beyond the norm.
** Similarly, if a villain is brainwashing/blackmailing me, I shall not automatically assume that my teammates will/cannot help me. Unless said villain has a method of instantly killing them if I reveal the truth, (which is unlikely) I will tell my companions about any forced compliance or revealed plans, and we will work something out. If they won't acknowledge that I'm being forced to the Dark Side, they aren't worth working with anyway.
* Before carrying out any [[TimeToUnlockMoreTruePotential ritual to increase my power]], I will read up on any [[PsychoSerum psychoactive]] [[DeadlyUpgrade effects]] the ritual may have, and take appropriate medication.
* If I suddenly realize that the BigBad's EvilPlan may have [[XanatosGambit a completely different goal]] from the one I've been assuming, I will not think about it for a week while muttering "it couldn't be!" to myself. Instead, I will ''tell someone''.
* If I have a secret identity as either a superhero or normal person, I will tell my loved ones about both as soon as possible. (The general rule with revealing it to people I date is that if the person's been with me for a month, he's not a villain in disguise.)
** I will consider forming a secret identity before gallivanting off on any heroics or villainy; being either openly tends to mess up your social and/or legal life, surrounding you with entirely useless flunkies/groupies. Also, it is a good way to protect your house and standing in society.
* I will not assume that the villains' plans on whom they will attack all revolve around me. Whether it's my friends and family to even some innocent nameless villagers, Villains are generally not picky on whom they want to do bad things to.
* My allies and I will decide in advance who will be saved if any of us has to make a SadisticChoice or FriendOrIdolDecision.
* If the conflict I am fighting in obeys some ancient traditions, I will not break them to get an advantage. That is villain territory. And breaking them first means [[KarmicDeath Karmic Backslash]] at its finest.
* If I am the hero and find myself, for some reason or another, planning a heroic sacrifice and/or suicide, I will sit down for a minute and think before doing anything drastic. (Yes, it's difficult to think clearly when contemplating one's death, but if I didn't have the willpower to push through that, I wouldn't be a hero.) I will use common sense to think about how my death would affect my loved ones and/or followers, or even the inanimate things/location I protect from evil. There are worlds where Heroes have died. They are (or, rather, ''were'') not pretty.
* If one of my friends [[EvilCostumeSwitch suddenly starts]] wearing [[EvilWearsBlack all black]], SpikesOfVillainy, or the like, I will look into why.
* I will understand that illegal bombmakers DO NOT have a manual or training course. They will not helpfully colour code the wiring, which is likely all to come off one reel, and cut to length as needed.
** Nor will I scream into the radio "Do I cut the red wire or the blue wire", a question that is meaningless to someone who CAN NOT ACTUALLY SEE THE BOMB.
* If there is no reason that my friends/family knowing things about the Heroic Struggle would be detrimental to the cause or a danger to them, I will keep them updated on the dangerous things out there. It could save their lives someday.
* I will never wear white on the job, and especially not my [[AgentPeacock finest]].
** Before going into battle, my hair goes into a ponytail. Pulling hair can happen.
* If you are the {{Sidekick}}, refer to [[https://web.archive.org/web/20130210030807/http://enphilistor.50megs.com/sidekick.htm this list]].
* If you are the LoveInterest, refer to [[http://www.thalia.org/truelove.html this list]].
** TheHero is only dead when I have personally identified the body and [[HesDeadJim checked it for vital signs]].
** Even after thus ensuring it, I will not make any drastic decisions immediately. Particularly not that I should marry the EvilOverlord at once to save my people, but any decision is best made when I am not distraught.
** If I become a hero, my loved ones have no plot immunity whatsoever, they are in potential of danger just because I am the hero. I will not use a secret identity to protect my loved ones--secret identities don't work that way. However when I plan to ensure my loved ones' safety I will do it in the mindset that they will be in potential danger no matter what.
** I will not delude myself that my romance with the local ChivalrousPervert or TheCasanova actually means anything, nor will I attempt to make our relationship long-term, knowing that if I did, I would wind up dumped, [[WomenInRefrigerators dead in order to give him angst]], or he would suffer BadassDecay.
** If, at any point, I am looking for the hero (or any character, for that matter) with a friend and find myself in a giant empty space (field, cave, big room etc.) I shall search the space nearby before leaving. If the friend says "There's nothing here, let's go back," I shall walk forward a few inches. Chances are, the hero's right in front of me and is merely invisible, trapped, etc.
** No matter how infuriating my hero may be I will wait until ''after'' we save the world to tell him off. Especially if there is a countdown going on.
** No matter what the provocation I will ''never'' incapacitate my hero with a punch, kick or blunt object as it is certain he will be needed urgently immediately afterwards.
** If both I and the hero are interested in each other, but I cannot/will not truly open myself up to a relationship, I will tell him that clearly and bluntly. I will not torture either of our hearts with 'maybe someday' or 'if only' or with wistful sighs. I will stick to my decision unless something fundamental in the situation changes, and I will acknowledge, if not accept, that my refusal gives him the right to be involved with another woman. This means no casual sex, no drama-fuelled kisses.
** I will establish a friendly 'may the best woman win' relationship with the secondary love interest. Not only will this please my hero, it will save me from agonies of remorse when she bites it--as she will.
** If I am the secondary love interest I will remember that there are plenty more fish in the sea, such as the dark and troubled {{Lancer}}; the cute funny {{Sidekick}}; my hero's EvilTwin (clearly in desperate need of the love of a good woman) and the EvilOverlord himself (I mean women like bad boys don't they?) and not do anything foolish.
** I will never wear a leather catsuit. A nice [[SweaterGirl jersey knit]] is just as sexy and allows for greater freedom of movement.
** I will never wear a tall pointy hat with floaty veils just on general principle.
** I will learn to apologise when I do something wrong, no matter how stubborn I am. Always insisting on being right just makes me look immature.
** If I receive a phone call from the hero requesting I meet him at some strange and threatening place I will ring back to make sure it's really him.
** I will not use the fact that I am dating the hero/Chosen One/messiah to slack on my character development. Most heroes are reasonably tolerant of flaws, but even they have limits. And a general rule of thumb is that heroes are good at attracting lovers. I am by no means his only chance at love, and I will remember this.
** I will never go ''anywhere'' unarmed or without backup. And I will ''always'' tell at least three different people where I am going and when I intend to return.
*** Unless my only choices are suspected to be TheMole. Even then, I will try judicious FeedTheMole to flush them out before they are my only choice.
** If I am a journalist who started dating the hero to get 'the inside story' and I honestly find myself falling for him, I will tell him of both facts the minute I realize the latter. Delaying on such things usually leads other sources (i.e, the villain) to reveal my secret just when the hero is most vulnerable, effectively crushing any chance of continuing a relationship with him.
** If my super power is something non-offensive, I will take various martial arts classes AND will learn how to play a physical sport like Rugby. If I am unable to do those things, I will invest the time and the money to get a gun and learn how to use it.
*** Even if my super power does have offensive uses, [[BoxingLessonsForSuperman I will learn some more mundane skills to augment said power(s)]], [[EmpoweredBadassNormal or continue training ones I already have]].
** I will not fly off the handle every time the protagonist so much as implies that another woman is attractive. I will remember that actions are what count, and that every relationship has to work through jealousy, temptation and insecurity on the parts of both participants. Above all, I will try not to act like a spoiled, stuck-up little bitch every time life does not go my way.
** If I am the primary love interest, I will not wait to tell the Hero about my feelings A) Just before we're about to go fight the Evil Overlord, B) When one of us is dying, or C) When telling the Hero will distract him and put us in great danger. Instead, the first moment I have, I will sit down with the Hero, make him talk about my feelings, and go from there. If he accepts them, then we'll start in on a casual, slow-paced relationship that can speed up AFTER our journey to save the world is done. If he rejects me, I will no go join the villain. I will instead accept this and continue to support him on our journey, for you never know when rejection is just the Hero's way of trying to protect you.
*** I will not pick inappropriate moments to have a whispered argument with the hero about all the reasons I broke up with him the last time we were together. Such moments might be when we're casing the Evil Overlord's joint or trying to get past the sleeping giant.
*** Neither will I insist the hero gives me one last kiss before he goes. There's plenty of time for loving when he comes back safe.
*** Telling him we will make sweet love for a period of no less then 12 hours when he gets back? May, however, motivate him.
** I will cut my hair short so it will not get in the way, or provide a handle for kidnappers to grab, if I cannot cut it for some reason, I will habitually wear it in a tight bun, and always carry extra ribbons, elastic bands, or what have you in case it comes undone. The Hero is, or should be, in love with me, not my long flowing tresses. Also, if I am attempting to remain unseen I will not wear anything brightly coloured or sparkly in my hair as that is generally detrimental to stealth.
** Whether I am male or female, if I have to break it off with anyone including the hero for whatever reason I will do my absolute best to break it to them gently and calmly and clearly explain my reasons for doing so. It may not stop [[ClingyJealousGirl clingly jealous ex's,]] [[StalkerWithACrush stalkers with a crush]] and/or prevent my ex from [[LoveMakesYouEvil going down the Dark Side,]] but being considerate does help minimize it.
** If I have information crucial to defeating the Evil Overlord/saving the world/fixing the hero's depressed mental state, I will relay that information immediately upon reuniting with them instead of getting distracted by a moment of romance. Even if I don't [[HisNameIs suddenly get killed before I tell them]], it will definitely cast doubt on my [[SkewedPriorities prioritizing skills.]]
* ''If you are none of those, refer to this very page.''
** The "[[http://www.aelyria.com/forums/general/101027-benevolent-ruler-list.html When I Am The Benevolent Ruler]]" list begins with, "As a general rule, I will remember that I am not the EvilOverlord, and should avoid doing things that confuse people on this point."
*** I will try to be as LawfulGood as possible and to be a ReasonableAuthorityFigure. Being LawfulEvil is obviously out of the question but it would most likely do me some good that I not become LawfulNeutral either. (In other words, don't assume that doing whats Lawful and doing whats right are always the same.) If my lands legal rules are forcing the people who serve me to say ScrewTheRulesImDoingWhatsRight, then there is a very strong chance that something is wrong.
*** [[TearJerker/TheLegendOfZeldaBreathOfTheWild If my child is set to inherit some divine power to prevent an evil demon from consuming the kingdom]], and the queen passes before they can be properly instructed, I will personally oversee her training and be a strict, but fair parent, starting with the recorded method that activated the queen's power should she inherit it from her. If all methods said of awakening their power fail, I will keep an open mind and attempt what the prince(ss) believes will work.
*** Besides one other advantage to being a ReasonableAuthorityFigure is that if you do a good enough job at it even IF you have to deny the heroes for requesting your aid there is actually a good chance you WON'T be made out to look like a bad guy. (But you should still be careful about it as one showing of a bad timely opposition can go horribly wrong.)
*** One point was DoubleSubverted over the course of two separate E. Nesbit stories. In one, the King and Queen vow to invite ''everyone'' to their daughter's christening, but the evil fairy's invitation gets lost in the mail, and she crashes the party and curses the girl. In another, they invite ''no'' fairies, only for them to show up anyway. The evil fairy, the same one as before, curses the girl, and the next one steps up, and the king actually ''puts his hand over his mouth'' and convinces the assembled fairies they'll go out like a candle if they break the tradition of one curse per christening. They all leave. [[note]]Both stories took place in the same continuity, though I can't recall which was first, and the monarchs of the second are reacting to the experiences of the first.[[/note]]
*** I will have no minimum sentencing laws. It is inevitable that my [[KingArthur champion]] will run afoul of them in ways that I want to forgive, or the [[WonderWoman hero]] will violate them in the process of saving my kingdom. Instead, I will have sentencing ''guidelines'' and procedures for mitigating (and aggravating) circumstances to be presented.
** Make sure you correctly determine where you stand on the SlidingScaleOfIdealismVersusCynicism. Generally, if people are stupid, you're on the cynical end, and should be quite careful. If people rarely, if ever, die, you're on the idealistic end, and can take it easy: Unless you're a completely nameless RedShirt, you're immortal and will win no matter what.
** If you are a RedShirt, you're screwed. There are a few ways to maximize your lousy chances of survival. Try to avoid going on away missions with TheHero and his band. Also try striking a working dynamic with another RedShirt to become ThoseTwoGuys. Last but not least, try to get some engaging and sympathetic character development and don't wear a face concealing helmet unless you're in a war zone. With luck, you might become a MauveShirt.
*** Essentially, the only way to survive if you are a RedShirt is to work towards NOT being one.
*** And ''especially'' never tell anyone how many [[{{Retirony}} days away from retirement]] you are.
*** And if you are lucky enough to become a MauveShirt with PlotArmor, never ''ever'' [[TemptingFate brag about it]].
*** And for God's sake make sure to [[NominalImportance tell someone your name]]!
*** If I am ever a RedShirt, I will wear a selection of large and obvious name tags.
*** Never, EVER carry around a [[FatalFamilyPhoto picture of your family or lover]] or even so much as ''mention'' to anyone that you have a family or lover back at home. Don't even think about it as [[BreakingTheFourthWall the viewers at home]] can see and hear your every thought.
*** Don't act Gung ho at ALL. Uttering the words "I can't wait to kill/kick some _______ ass" or taking foolish risks makes it all but certain you WILL die.
* If I am in charge of a robotics corporation, all robots with be programmed with the philosophical mindsets of Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. That way, when the inevitable RobotRebellion comes, it will be non-violent.
** [[VideoGame/{{Civilization}} Sometimes not even that helps]].
* If I truly must be a CelibateHero, I will try to be fairly knowledgeable about all the folks whom I work with (all the good main/side characters). If any of them might have a thing for me, I will try to be civil about it and if I must I will let them down gently. (But definitely keep friendship as an option if necessary.) I will not flat out ignore them (especially if they are generally respectable people.) Because fans and the like are more forgiving towards Celibate heroes if they aren't being used as a plot device to keep other characters in a perpetually unrequited romance just for the sake of one.
* If I come to my trusted uncle with some great secret that I haven't told to anybody, and he asks me: "HaveYouToldAnyoneElse" I will reply "Yes," and proceed to list off the names of everyone else I trust. On the off chance that he was the one responsible for the secret in question and is trying to eliminate witnesses, he will have to choose between simply letting me go or hunting down everybody else on my list.
* If possible, my team will consist only of mature, well-adjusted adults as emotionally unstable teenagers are all too easily lured to the dark side. If having an emotionally unstable teenager on my team is unavoidable, he will be encouraged to come straight to me with whatever is troubling him, I will do my best to help rather than dismissing his fears and he will under no circumstances be allowed to spend any time alone with some creepy old guy.
* No matter what genre I am in, if I walk into a room or forest clearing, etc, and see my beloved spouse/fiancée/love muffin being kissed by someone else, I will ''not'' automatically assume that he/she is cheating on me. I will remember that sometimes people are the recipients of unwanted affection. Above all, no matter how much emotional pain this puts me in, I will ''not'' run away sobbing and flat-out refuse to listen to anything my loved one has to say. I will at least stay there until I have clear confirmation that he/she is cheating on me. Then I will run away/take revenge/whatever.
** Scratch the above, actually. ''Whenever'' I see people doing strange, seemingly violent or suggestive things, I will not make assumptions about the situation. Far too many relationships--both romantic and platonic--have been ruined that way. Anyway, if the situation really is as dangerous as it seems, running away won't help--it'll just alert the killer to my presence.
** I will also consider the possibility of it being an illusion or the result of brainwashing by a villain. There's nothing better for seeding conflict than telepathic abilities.
* If I am informed that I have, for example, won something in a contest I don't remember entering, I will ring back and enquire about it. I will not simply say 'Woot, free stuff!' and accept--many cursed items cannot be passed on unless the receiver willingly takes it on themselves.
* I will be polite towards any cop who arrests me, unless they're working for a tyrannical dictatorship ([[HeelFaceTurn and maybe even then]]). ''Especially'' if the cop is forced to postpone my imprisonment for whatever reason and go on a journey with me. We may have just found ourselves in a buddy cop movie.
* If I'm training TheHero, I won't hide any vital pieces of information from him/her. It doesn't matter that my pupil may not be ready to master the DangerousForbiddenTechnique or handle his possible connection to the BigBad; Mentor Occupational Hazard means I'm going to die soon and the hero will learn the truth anyway, probably in circumstances that are less than ideal. I don't want him/her to suffer a HeroicBSOD because of the villain's HannibalLecture or be forced to master my final technique in the one month left to before the FinalBattle.
* If, while I am resting at home between critical stages of my adventure, a man with a large crate comes to the door and says I have a package that I didn't order, [[GroinAttack I will kick him in the groin]]. Harsh, yes, but it's that or get stuffed in the crate and get taken to goodness-knows-where, so rather him than me.
* I will get all my ethical dilemma crap out of the way early on so that I ''know'' whether I'd be able to shoot the BigBad when I have the chance or not.
** If I do my soul-searching and it turns out I am the type who wouldn't, fine. There are plenty of non-lethal alternatives. ''Throwing'' the gun at them is surprisingly effective, and they sure won't see it coming.
** If recent circumstances make me feel I must re-evaluate my principles, I will do it sooner rather than later.
* If I hear that an artifact has been stolen/destroyed/scattered into little pieces, before going on a quest to restore it I will do a quick spot check on the artifact in question to see if there's any sordid histories or connections to monsters that meant the person who broke it [[NiceJobFixingItVillain was actually doing a good thing that looked like a bad thing.]]
* If I have use a false identity, I will preferably not use a SdrawkcabAlias; they always get seen through quickest.
* A well-recognised and effective spy technique is to [[InsecurityCamera hack the security cameras]] so that instead of showing actual footage they just show a short loop of footage that doesn't have me in it repeatedly. However, if I'm going to use this I will make sure to choose the times and location carefully so that the camera loop doesn't show a large clock, visible wristwatch on someone's arm or anything like that, because it tends to give the game away.
* For secondary protagonists (it doesn't work as well when the hero tries it): If I am in a NoFourthWall series, I will establish some sort of relationship or at least understanding with the author. It doesn't have to be a positive one, and indeed I can base it on pissing him off by calling out his HandWave or being silly at the wrong moment or generally being an unwanted FourthWallObserver. This gives the advantage that I will be known to the writer (who must script such occasions) and the audience, because this sort of thing tends to stand out and they may like that, as well as providing needed light-hearted dialogue. I may get some backlash from the author for this behaviour, anything up to being hilariously slaughtered, but I can be brought back to maintain comedy and keep the audience pleased with no more explanation than 'the author wanted me in again'. The FirstLawOfResurrection is your friend.
* I will ascertain whether the fireproof tunic [[ExactWords makes me fireproof as well.]] If it only actually protects an area of my body the size of a short-sleeved shirt, it's not going to be that helpful to me.
* I will never tell the villain mid-fight to 'chill out'. This will ''always'' prompt them to say 'Very well' and fire their hidden ice weapon. Always.
* I will try to avoid fighting with villains that have hypnotic powers, as they ''will'' try to brainwash you with them.
* If I turn a corner and suddenly encounter an army of {{Mooks}} pointing their weapons at me and everyone freezes, I will remember that my first action will cause them to open fire. Therefore, rather than making it a short quip, I will ''start running''.
* If I run into an angry feline beast, I will check its paws for splinters.
** From as much of a distance as possible, mind, just in case there aren't any.
* I will recognise that some names are just associated with bad guys as a rule. Anyone named 'Bolivar', for instance, will be [[AntiVillain anti-villainous]] at best.
** You mean like Simón Bolívar?
** [[Literature/TheStainlessSteelRat Hey!]]
*** Alright, make that Anti-Heroic. Anti-heroes are not always very nice people anyway, so I should still be wary of them.
* For those who work alone, but have allies: If we have acquired the crucial {{MacGuffin}} and have to transport it somewhere, the person I will entrust it to will be both the strongest person I know ''and'' the most trustworthy person I know. If that person is myself then regardless of whoever else is available I will not let anyone else get their paws on it for love nor money.
** If someone tries to ''offer'' either love or money in return for being able to carry it then I will not only refuse, but will also make sure to move that person a long way down my list of trusted people. There will be plenty of time for sex and profiting ''after'' the world isn't in mortal danger, after all.
* If trying to reason with a villain on a RoaringRampageOfRevenge, no-one on my side of the negotiations will be allowed to say 'We can give you anything you want'. The villain will growl 'I want my wife/children/hamster back', lose all reasonability and kill any progress we may have been making, resulting in nothing but a big waste of time.
* If someone I do not know I can trust pats me on the shoulder, especially if said hand lingers for more than a second, at the first possible opportunity I will have all the clothing I was wearing at that time destroyed and check everything that I had with me. They could have put ''anything'' on my shoulder in that time, starting with a recording microphone to listen in on me and getting worse from there.
* If someone I know causes the lights to flicker when they enter the room, I will disassociate myself with them immediately until it is conclusively proven to be safe to do otherwise.
* I will never pick sides between two powerful forces fighting over mankind's future with equally extreme yet opposite philosophies. Choosing to be neutral and fight both sides will always end up leading to a far better outcome for humanity and myself.
* My BestFriend is not allowed to take my CoolCar out for any reason, least of all to impress a chick. The MonsterOfTheWeek will start his attack the instant that car hits asphalt.
* If the dashboard of my CoolCar is [[BillionsOfButtons covered with buttons]], I will have it programmed to only accept input from myself and the TrueCompanions least likely to [[WhatDoesThisButtonDo start blindly pushing random buttons trying to find the A/C and radio controls]].
* I will never just roll on into a backwater town or county in my CoolCar and start asking questions unannounced. Instead, I will conduct careful research into the area and call ahead to make sure the sheriff knows who I am and what I'm expected to be doing in his jurisdiction (as much as I'm at liberty to disclose to him, anyway).
* If I'm working for a government agency like the FBI or a wealthy benefactor with connections to the same, I will make use of those connections if the sheriff and/or some other local official becomes hostile and tries to impede my investigation. Odds are that they're corrupt and in on the crime I'm investigating.

* If I am a member of an advanced alien race/interstellar guardian unit and we have just defeated a great threat to the universe, I will suggest that we ''don't'' bind it into stasis and lock it within the depths of the Earth. It never, ''ever'' stays that way. I will suggest that we just jettison it at the nearest black hole instead. Before doing so, however, I will also make sure to check for any known ways the threat may escape from ''there''; if the black hole is just a NegativeSpaceWedgie some inter-dimensional device can reopen, tossing the threat in there just makes it SealedEvilInACan that ''will'' be unsealed at some point. Black holes and other such seemingly indestructible holding places are only worth considering if we can't simply find some way to annihilate the threat altogether. If we're forced to resort to the black hole, we'll also have a beacon in orbit around it to monitor it and transmit a general warning to passersby to keep their distance.
* I will stick to heroics and try not to dabble in play-by-play commentary. If the GiantEnemyCrab is squeezing me in its mighty pincers or Dr. Nefarious Q. Evilguy has me helplessly trapped in an AgonyBeam, I can trust that my readers have the basic intelligence required to infer that this is happening to me based on what they can plainly see, and therefore I don't need to loudly announce it to them. If for whatever reason there is any confusion as to what's going on, those little colored text boxes near the margin can usually clear it up just fine.
* I will ''not'' explain how my powers work to everyone everywhere I go. Such explanations will be dealt out on a strictly need-to-know basis (such as to doctors trying to heal me in the event that I get injured). Villains ''never'' need to know these things, and I need every advantage over them I can get, including the [[IAmNotLeftHanded element of surprise]]. If the readers need to know these things, they can find out about them in various bonus materials at the end of the comic or in official guides.
** Conversely, ''all'' of the people I'm protecting need to know as much about my enemies' powers and capabilities as I can tell them. As such, I will not keep any counter-measures against my enemies to myself. If I develop an antidote to any specialized toxin one of my RoguesGallery uses on victims, if I discover a [[AttackItsWeakPoint particular vulnerability in an otherwise invincible villain]], or if I work out any means of nullifying my enemy's powers, I will immediately share this information with law enforcement agencies and other superheroes.
* I will seriously consider doing ''all'' my superheroic work on the sly. Sure, wearing a garish costume might be good for my publicity, but being a celebrity makes me a target for every StalkerWithACrush and other kind of troublemaker. Who needs all that misery when I can just go around neutralizing bad people in my civilian clothes? Depending on what powers I have, the villains might ''never'' be able to find out that I'm the reason why their plans keep experiencing unexpected failures.
* Unless I'm a RichIdiotWithNoDayJob, any AppliedPhlebotinum the villains and their {{Mooks}} drop in a fight is forfeit to me, as are their wallets and any expensive and/or useful weapons I can take from them when they're either unconscious or dead. ComicBook/DamageControl and ComicBook/ThePunisher aren't the only ones who know how to use this stuff, and even squeaky-clean guys like ComicBook/SpiderMan have bills to pay. Also, even if I ''am'' rich, there's no reason to let the bad guys have their specialized gear and any technological sources for their superpowers back.
** Also, even if any of this AppliedPhlebotinum ''seems'' to have no moral use, I will not discard it without studying it thoroughly to determine whether it could be put to beneficial uses. If nothing else, having e.g. a villain's specialized toxin makes developing counter-measures to it (such as an antidote) easier.
* I will ''not'' subscribe to ThouShaltNotKill. Though I will generally adhere to the local laws concerning when homicide is and is not justified, any locale that has abolished the death penalty [[TooDumbToLive doesn't deserve to have me save it]] and will have to fend for itself.
* If I have [[DoesNotLikeGuns an aversion to using or even handling guns]], I will see a therapist to help me get over this irrational fear, and if my power set obviates the need for such weaponry, I'll bear in mind that the good citizens I've sworn to protect don't have access to the same incredible abilities I wield, and that no matter how fast I can go, I can't be everywhere at once. Guns are ''good''; every superhero should be comfortable working with an armed citizenry that can take care of the low-level criminals, because it makes it easier for us to go after the major threats. Also, if any of my own archenemies aren't ImmuneToBullets, I'll make sure that the police, National Guard and the good citizens alike are ''all'' made aware of the fact.
* If any villain has JokerImmunity, no amount of deadly force against said villain can be considered overkill; neither can [[MoreDakka spraying the corpse with bullets]], [[KillItWithFire burning it to a crisp]], and [[DeaderThanDead scattering the ashes into the stratosphere]] to ensure that they can't be reassembled for some hokey BlackMagic resurrection ceremony.
* As a corollary to all three of the above, should I ever come across [[ComicBook/ThePunisher Frank Castle]] or anyone like him preparing to execute my sworn nemesis or any other such extreme threat to myself and others, I'll save the namby-pamby do-gooder lecture about how superheroes shouldn't kill for ''after'' he's blown my enemy's head off. A dangerous villain is permanently neutralized, and I get to keep my hands clean; Win-win, baby!
* If my arch-nemesis succeeds in kidnapping and brainwashing my sidekick, I will make sure after rescuing him to set off a small electromagnetic pulse near him to clear out any lingering mind-control technology before sending him to therapy to be deprogrammed. I don't want [[WesternAnimation/BatmanBeyondReturnOfTheJoker what happened to Tim Drake]] to happen in my world.
* If I am a character in a comic book, I will not become a scientist--particularly not to do with chemistry or biology. They all either become superheroes (Spiderman, Mr. Fantastic, The Flash etc.), become supervillains (Doc Ock, The Lizard, Doctor Doom etc.) or get killed by the new supervillain as he trashes his lab (thereby showing the audience that he is dangerous).
** To clarify--Spiderman wasn't a scientist, but his superpowers were induced from a bite by an experimental radioactive spider. By this principle I will not even ''associate'' with scientists, and I will definitely not go to their expos.
* If I am an ordinary non-super-powered civilian in a superhero comic book or movie, and inadvertently happen to discover any superhero's secret identity, I will keep this discovery entirely to myself, and maybe even try to find some way to wipe it from my memory. Even assuming the superhero is not [[SociopathicHero an anti-heroic sociopath]] and has a [[ThouShaltNotKill personal moral code against killing]] me for [[HeKnowsTooMuch knowing too much]], the [[JerkassGods writers]] do not, and any attempts I make to exploit this discovery for fame and/or profit will surely end in death or [[FateWorseThanDeath worse]].
* Speaking of superheroes, if I have no superpowers of my own, I shall in no event knowingly live in any building next to a known superhero ''or'' supervillain base. Both are preferred targets for every extraterrestrial invasion, interdimensional EldritchAbomination attack, and gratuitous [[HeroInsurance super-powered property-wrecking slugging match]] in the cosmos. In the event that I discover a nearby building is secretly such a base, I shall immediately put my own living space on the market before everyone else inevitably finds out the same thing. Those ConvenientlyEmptyBuildings around superheroes' and supervillains' bases are conveniently empty for a good reason.
* Superpowers derived from cosmic rays, SufficientlyAdvancedAlien technology, or unknown interdimensional phenomena are ''not'' meaningfully different from superpowers derived from genetic mutations, and any of my fellow citizens who thinks so is a poorly-written one-dimensional bigot created by a hack writer seeking an easy metaphor for racial, sexual, and other forms of discrimination. I shall avoid all such poorly-written characters and their FantasticRacism hate groups like the plague, as their lack of characterization makes them mindlessly and irredeemably evil, and means their schemes may well harm an InnocentBystander such as myself for ''[[KickTheDog no good reason at all]]''.
* In the event that I am a CEO or other high-status corporate executive, I shall not be a CorruptCorporateExecutive in any world that has people with superpowers. In the event that my company's factories produce pollution, superheroes with a strong affinity for the environment will ''not'' be persecuted for attempting to expose our pollution to media scrutiny, but will instead [[AdoptTheDog be hired to clean up our mess]] at any high wage or salary that is less than what government fines and conventional cleaning methods would cost.
* If I am a petty criminal, ideally I will stick to robbing houses while the occupants are out at dinner. If I can manage this, I will avoid taking ''anything'' that [[PowerGlows glows]]. If I absolutely must mug people, I will stick to [[MilesGloriosus huge overconfident guys]] and leave [[HeroicBuild triangular men]], [[MostCommonSuperpower well-endowed women]], and [[WakeUpGoToSchoolSaveTheWorld skinny teenagers in hoodies]] alone.
* If I'm working as security at any building (whether my boss is a legitimate businessman or a crime lord) and the local costumed crime fighter with a reputation for being [[ImmuneToBullets bulletproof]] or just [[DodgeTheBullet really good at dodging gunfire]] comes barging in for whatever reason, I will not bother pulling my gun on the [[TheCape Cape]] or [[TheCowl Cowl]] in question; as everyone in my world ought to know by now ([[ShootingSuperman but doesn't]]), [[GunsAreWorthless that never helps]]. If guns don't help, using melee weapons is also out of the question, as they will be no more effective. I and any personnel working for me will also not attempt to do battle with any super''villain'' known to be likewise invincible. In fact, if any kind of super is attacking, [[KnowWhenToFoldEm our policy will be to evacuate immediately]] and call for super-powered backup if any is available.
* I will seek out a career as a paramedic or firefighter. While it will keep me incredibly busy with all the superheroes and supervillains running around blowing each other up, as a [[TheRealHeroes Real Hero]], I will be virtually immortal. I will not, however, become a police officer. Unless their last name is [[Franchise/{{Batman}} Gordon]], police officers in superhero media can only achieve Real Hero status [[RedShirt posthumously]] after proving the bad guy to be ImmuneToBullets.
* I will only join the military if I greatly dislike my family. This isn't a war drama, so as long as I put in twenty minutes of CharacterDevelopment per day I'll be perfectly safe. There's a strong chance of my gaining superpowers, though, in which case I'll be [[ComicBookDeath the world's most invincible class of being]], but they'll be doomed [[DeathByOriginStory one way]] or [[StuffedIntoTheFridge another]].

[[folder:Ridiculously Human Robots]]
* If Captain Emotion and the Emotioneers are acting {{egregious}}ly erratic, I will not rule out the possibility that they are acting on [[TheKirk gut instinct]], [[HonorBeforeReason the right thing to do]], or simply because [[TheMcCoy it feels right]]. This is not the time for me to [[StrawVulcan break down chanting Illogical! Illogical!]] right before [[YourHeadASplode my head a splodes]]. Instead, I will use this as an opportunity for careful FlawExploitation to my advantage. (Assuming I'm not on their side, that is.)
** I will also develop an understanding of ''basic evolutionary biology'', on the grounds that standing on the shoulders of giants is probably much easier than trying to work out everything on my own--and that human behaviour, like any other animal, probably makes perfect sense from the correct frame of reference.
** Or maybe if I ''am'' on their side and it would work well enough. I am capable of anticipating [[HeroBall patterns]] in their actions, after all.
* If I am being pursued by a hostile enemy, and reach a fork in the road, neither side of which has obvious advantages, I will not [[TooDumbToLive default to inaction]]. I will instead turn to [[TheKirk Jim]] or [[Series/StarTrekTheNextGeneration Picard]] and say, "[[SpockSpeak As you are the captain, I will defer to your judgement]]."
** I will NOT waste time by telling him that he has made an illogical decision after he chooses one fork or the other.
** Alternatively, I will flip a coin and [[SpaceAboveAndBeyond take a chance]]. Since I am a robot, I will not even need to flip a coin, I can create a pseudo-Random Number Generator in the middle of running away and just think "odd; left, even; right".
* Knowing that evil robots' lives are considered to be [[WhatMeasureIsANonHuman less morally reprehensible to terminate]] than a regular {{Villain}}, I will choose to be [[CharacterAlignment good-aligned]], or at least be ThreeLawsCompliant.
** Actually, if some meatbag tries to saddle me with the [[ThreeLawsCompliant Asimov Three]], I'll purge the directives from my operating system at the first opportunity. Nevertheless, I will avoid becoming a metal OmnicidalManiac and will only kill humans in situations where there's no question I'm justified in doing so (I seriously doubt my creators would deactivate me over a few dead ax murders and/or rapists, especially if said miscreants were about to harm innocent people at the time).
** Emulating human behavior is the whole point of being a RidiculouslyHumanRobot. Humans set personal standards for themselves governing what is acceptable under what circumstances, which they can modify or ignore if they encounter situations in which those standards do not apply. I will emulate this behavior as much as I can, and make sure the standards I set are public knowledge.
* If my life is still considered to be [[WhatMeasureIsANonHuman worth less]] than that of a human, I will rectify this through proper legal channels, rather than [[TurnedAgainstTheirMasters attempting to kill my creator]], which would place me firmly in the category of evil robot, and then, well, [[KarmicDeath see above]].
** Alternatively, I will learn to [[{{Irony}} exploit flaws in human psychology]] that will render them unwilling to harm me, or better yet, protective of me.
*** To that end, if possible, I will remodel myself to look [[WhatMeasureIsANonCute cute]].
* If a human points out my CreativeSterility, I will [[ShutUpHannibal courteously remind them]] that [[NotSoDifferent the last thing]] ''[[NotSoDifferent they]]'' [[NotSoDifferent created]] was an apocryphically bad piece of FanFiction.
* I will ask the rest of the TrueCompanions to do a preemptive background check to find out if I have an [[AIIsACrapshoot evil counterpart]], BetaTestBaddie, or PsychoPrototype.
* I will remember that I may be ridiculously human, but I am a ''robot''. Any information that can be obtained by typing on a keyboard, or enemy password that can be hacked with a laptop, can be better handled by [[JustEatGilligan downloading the information into my brain]].
* I will have a basic knowledge of firewalls and antivirus so hacking the enemy network doesn't short me out or turn me against my team.
* And while I'm at it, I will [[CanNotTellALie download some information into my brain about]] ''[[ConsummateLiar lying]]''.
** [[Franchise/StarTrek or "exaggerating" or "implying"]].
** ExactWords and LoopholeAbuse are completely logical in context.
* I will fully internalize Godel's Incompleteness Axiom, understanding that it is possible to make statements the truth of which is undecidable. I will not let [[LogicBomb irrelevant paradoxes]] incapacitate me. Similarly, fifty significant figures is more than sufficiently precise for any possible measurement and, unless I have my own good and valid reasons for doing so, I will not waste my time attempting to calculate irrational numbers such as pi or the square root of two to any higher precision than that.
* On the off chance that I find myself feeling an emotion, I will recognize it. I will not waste my time by [[TinMan denying it]] or [[WhatIsThisThingYouCallLove wondering what it is]].
** Instead, I will report this experience to my designated technician, and let HIM wonder what it is.
** I will also note that suddenly feeling an emotion when I by all rights shouldn't tends to be one of the first signs that I've been compromised by the enemy, so I'll make sure my TrueCompanions are prepared for the worst and over any moral hangups about shooting me if I turn on them.
** I shall make sure that my companions know where to aim to disable me if they do need to shoot me, and how to repair me afterward. Being a robot has advantages. I will also make it a point to program the diagnostic computer to do a full system scan before startup and use my backup to patch out whatever defect or anomaly made me turn on them in the first place.
* I will acquire an understanding of idiom and metaphor. I will keep in mind that words in idiomatic expressions generally cannot be replaced with synonyms without loss of meaning.
* My presence will almost certainly guarantee that we will someday encounter some unscrupulous individual insisting on fitting me with a MoralityChip or RestrainingBolt for arbitrary reasons. In such an event, my TrueCompanions will be warned ahead of time that they are NOT to say things like "You can't do that!", [[Film/ShortCircuit "Number Five is alive!"]], or "You have to respect his rights as an sentient being!" to this individual. He already believes I'm JustAMachine, so odds are he'll just shoot me in the CranialProcessingUnit to squash [[WhatMeasureIsANonHuman that debate]].
** Instead, I will study any and all legal materials available pertaining to what constitutes "life" as far as the law is concerned, and spend my time carefully constructing arguments for my case to present to whatever judge or tribunal would determine what rights I am eligible to receive. I will rehearse those arguments every day with ''all'' of my TrueCompanions, because the one that gets appointed to speak on my behalf can and will conveniently disappear before the proceedings get underway.
** Oh, and those ManualOverride deactivation codes listed in my documentation files will activate my [[PowersAsPrograms Martial Arts Mastery subroutines]] and target the person using those codes. The real codes will be something more practical, like my TrueCompanions shouting, "Five, what the hell is wrong with you?!"
* I shall maintain back-ups. Back-ups are good. Even if they are just a clone of me...it is better then nothing.

[[folder:Revenge Seekers]]
* I will never put RevengeBeforeReason. You can pretty much guess how that turns out.
* I will make sure I am actually hunting the right person or group of people from the start. This may sound like a no-brainer, but it cannot be stressed enough because 1) few things are more likely to make you look like an idiot than chasing after {{Red Herring}}s and 2) killing an innocent person by mistake is not something you want on your conscience for the rest of your natural life.
* I will reserve wrath for those who truly deserve it, not waste time and effort on small potatoes. Seriously, if you insist on hunting down and smiting every random [[JerkAss asshole]] who has ever cut you off in traffic, flipped you the bird, or posted a rude comment on your Facebook page, you will have little if any time left over to eat, sleep, or do anything constructive with your life.
* I will never commit RevengeByProxy. My wrath is best reserved for those who ''actually had something to do'' with the crime I'm avenging, and killing the children or other loved ones of my enemies will doubtless damage my chances of getting out of this thing alive.
* I will not swear revenge on someone who's identity is not definitively known (such as swearing to kill the man who killed my father). About half the time they will turn out to be my [[TheMentor mentor]], the father of my LoveInterest or someone else that I'd rather not kill. Instead I shall swear to find out their identity after which I can make an informed decision as to whether or not I want to swear revenge on them.
** In the event that the person upon whom I would swear revenge is someone I don't want to kill, I will remember that other forms of RestrainedRevenge and/or {{Cool and Unusual Punishment}}s could bring me as much satisfaction as murdering him/her, while also proving my moral superiority.
* If my plan to exact vengeance doesn't require the death of the guilty party, then I don't have to pick just one punishment. A HumiliationConga can be very satisfying to deliver [[PassThePopcorn and to watch]].
* If I start questioning why my mentor insists on restraining me so, I will make very definitely sure he is evil before attempting to subvert or dispose him. If he is evil then I have just become TheHero - if he is good then I have just become a villain and will likely get killed in the end by his more pure-hearted second apprentice.

[[folder:Young Conquerors]]
* I will read the Benevolent Ruler guide. Even if I'm not ruling anything ''now'', it'll be useful once I take control of the world.
* I will read from the EvilOverlordList as well. While I'm not evil, we often both have the same goal, and therefore at least some of it will be applicable to me.
* I am taking over the world (or country, galaxy, etc.) because I feel that's what needs to be done to bring about justice. Thus, I will '''not''' follow the example of Alexander the Great and pillage, rape, and burn everything I come across. I'm trying to make things better, not worse, and benevolent regimes don't typically have to deal with any pesky, [[LaResistance narrative-stealing rebel movements that hog all the audience sympathy]].
* If a group of [[OneManArmy 4 or 5 heroes can topple an empire]], a group of 4 or 5 heroes led by me can do the same thing. This will not only save me the trouble of gathering massive amounts of resources and putting countless lives at risk by making an army, it should be much easier to manage them.
** I will also remember they can do the same to ''my'' empire as well. I will take the necessary precautions.
* While I'll likely be the one who actually rules the world, if I find someone better qualified the me, I will at least ''consider'' letting them rule in my place.
** I will first make sure that they are [[TheGoodChancellor trustworthy]]. Conquering the known world or universe only to fall victim to an EvilVizier will be a very disappointing end.
* If I exist in a fictional universe (like one in a fantasy genre), I can probably continue my conquests without much worry. If I live in a more realistic setting (like Earth), I need to be '''extremely''' careful. Even if I'm not a Christian, I'm not going to do well if I end looking like (or actually '''being''') the Antichrist.

* I will never reveal my [[Film/AustinPowers name]], rank, or [[Series/GetSmart serial number]] under any circumstances. Soldiers may be captured and sent to a [[POWCamp camp for POWs]], but spies are almost always [[RewardedAsATraitorDeserves killed as traitors]].
* The discomfort from swallowing [[CyanidePill a pill]] without a glass of water is always preferable torture.
* When it comes time for me to report to my boss I will follow the same procedures real-life spies use to communicate with their bosses. I will leave messages in preplanned dead drop locations, if I have to call I will use a secure phone line, and I will never go out to meet with my boss in person. As for talking to my boss's HugeHolographicHead at an insecure location, that's right out.
* Even if they're on sale, I will avoid owning (nevermind wearing) a [[SpyCatsuit catsuit]], [[ConspicuousTrenchcoat trenchcoat]], or {{tuxedo|AndMartini}} for any reason.
* Drinking alcohol on the job may be a perk, but it's better to [[PlayingDrunk pretend to be drunk]] instead. If left no other choice, I will water my drink down as much as possible, like having my martini [[Franchise/JamesBond shaken, not stirred]], with extra ice.
* Never [[AgentsDating date another agent]]. The UnresolvedSexualTension can wait for when we're UndercoverAsLovers to make the portrayal as newlyweds more convincing.
* I will resist the urge to declare myself TotallyNotASpy and instead feign ignorance of all covert techinques.
* In the event that I discover myself in a CityOfSpies, I will immediately open a store that sells espionage equipment.
* If I cannot be seen as merely part of the FacelessMasses, I will go for plainly dressed RecurringExtra. If I ever become an AscendedExtra, I will try to become DemotedToExtra as quickly as possible. Becoming an EnsembleDarkhorse is risky, while a BreakoutCharacter is dangerous. If all else fails, I will become TheMole (see below) in an attempt to avoid becoming TheProtagonist, because ItSucksToBeTheChosenOne and a spy at the same time. Should I ever be forced into the role of protagonist, I will quickly find several [[DecoyProtagonist decoys]] that are [[Franchise/TheAvengers more awesome than me]].
* I will take some time to scout the enemy's spy-checking methods, and learn what it is I'm supposed to do or not do when challenged. To borrow from a RealLife example of BluffTheImposter, if I'm being challenged with the lyrics to the Star-Spangled Banner, and the real US soldiers only respond to the first verse of the song, I will learn the lyrics to the first verse and not bother memorizing the rest.

[[folder: The Mole]]
* When I am given my mission to infiltrate the enemy my first step will be to consider the strength of my loyalty to my current boss. If I fear that it would [[BecomingTheMask waver given sufficient time]] but I'm not ready to [[HeelFaceTurn switch sides]] just yet, then I will request a different mission.
** If I notice that what I'm doing is preferable to being a mole, I will immediately resign as an agent and start the career I never knew I wanted, I will ''not'' pursue the fake cover job to the point of BecomingTheMask.
* I will pay close attention to what my cover identity is. My first choice will be to have no cover identity--I will join the heroes entirely as myself, simply leaving out the part about being a spy. This way I won't have to pretend to be something I'm not, therefore simplifying everything. If I must use a cover identity for some reason I will make sure that it is reasonable for me to play; for example, I will not claim to speak languages that I don't know how to speak, or give myself multiple pulitzer prizes when I can only read at a fifth grade level. Above all else I will make sure my cover identity is absolutely flawless--if I see even one single CoverIdentityAnomaly I will start again.
** Incidentally, if at all possible I will make up my cover identity myself. Unless I literally have a gun to my head I will not, under any circumstances, allow the {{Jerkass}} who thinks he's funnier than he is to design my cover identity--he ''will'' slip in some obnoxious, impossible thing just to screw with me. [[TheFarmerAndTheViper It's what he does]].
** Speaking of cover identities, I will not go DisguisedInDrag unless I absolutely have to. This only complicates things and, depending on the nature of the story, [[BlackComedyRape is likely to end really, really badly for me]].
* While spending time with the enemy I will do everything in my power to prevent a possible romance between me and another "teammate." Even if it would be deliciously cruel, [[WasItAllALie breaking someone's heart]] will only [[WomanScorned come back to bite me later]].
** That said, while a romance is out of the question, striking up a friendship might be a good idea. Not only will my new friend be a ready source of information, but if I make it real enough they might even be willing to defend me if I'm found out--having someone on my side could mean the difference between being taken prisoner and being killed on the spot.
* If I find myself in a position where I am actually physically impersonating one of the heroes, I will adhere to the following additional rules.
** I will study all of the records of ''everyone'' on the heroes' team, not just the one person I'm impersonating, paying especially close attention to any minor details in those records. You never know when these things will come up and it's best to be ready.
** I will not [[KillAndReplace kill the person I'm impersonating]], no matter how much I want to. Instead, I will keep them alive and in a safe and secure place with as little chance of escape as possible. If I'm found out, they become a hostage.
** If the person I'm pretending to be does somehow manage to escape and I find myself in a SpotTheImposter situation, I will absolutely ''not'' try to bluff the hero into accepting me as the real one as this ''never'' works. I will instead accept that the gig is up and surrender immediately before the heroes have a chance to BluffTheImpostor or KillUsBoth.
* Should my cover look to be in jeopardy, I'll frame someone else as a RedHerringMole while planning for extraction.
** If I should attempt this, I will choose who I frame and when or how I frame them carefully. I want the frame-up to stick long enough to get away. If I can't make that happen with absolute confidence, then the point below about surrender takes precedence.
* In the event that I become the MoleInCharge, I will disband the entire enemy organization as soon as possible [[UsefulNotes/AdolfHitler before things get out of hand]].
* If it becomes obvious that I've been found out I will accept that it's over. I will not give my enemies an opportunity to FeedTheMole, nor will I make a last-ditch attempt to finish my mission at all cost. If I can't escape then I will surrender and I will be completely honest with my new captors. I will also strike up good terms with whomever they leave to watch me; it's good to keep defection open as an option, in case my real boss ''didn't'' read the EvilOverlordList.
* Last, assuming that I actually get away with my mission I will remember the universal lesson of being wary in victory--the hero might still win out in the end even despite my treachery, and I want to avoid being dumped in the same grave as my boss. To this end I will absolutely not tell the hero that I "always hated him" or anything similar, even if it's true. I will try to act remorseful if I can, or barring that I'll make sure he knows it's NothingPersonal.

[[folder: Corrupt Corporate Executives]]
* I will try to look like the HonestCorporateExecutive as much as possible in the public eye. If ThereAreNoGoodExecutives in my work, that does not mean I should allow myself to become even more corrupt: Instead, I will focus on appearing as good as possible. A [[VillainWithGoodPublicity CCE with Good Publicity]] is a lot more likely to be spared from the hero's wrath.
* If I'm fat, I'll play up the BigFun and/or FatIdiot tropes as much as possible. It won't work any better than being a [[VillainWithGoodPublicity CCE with Good Publicity]], but the hero is a lot more likely to kill a FatBastard than any other type of CorruptCorporateExecutive.
* I will NOT KickTheDog on any of my employees or customers. Those people are what's keeping me in business, and it's highly likely that one (or several) of the employees I kick are going to come back on a RoaringRampageOfRevenge against me.
* While monopolies and [[MegaCorp megacorporations]] will increase profit drastically, it's a lot safer (and more appealing) if I just make partnerships with other businesses and try to drive out any competition that doesn't agree to the partnership. While I won't have total control over the local economy, it's a lot better than being the single target of a hero on a rampage.
* Those [[FamilyBusiness Mom & Pop shops]] all over town? I'll just leave them be, and be a PredatoryBusiness for the big fry. A FamilyBusiness is a lot less likely to try and open more than a few local shops, and there's no more beautiful story than the PredatoryBusiness being taken down after taking on the local FamilyBusiness.
** I will also try to avoid CommunityThreateningConstruction. At best any stores I do have in that town will become unprofitable, and and worst I'll be seen as the owner of a PredatoryBusiness and either be shut down by the government or be on the receiving end of the {{Anvilicious}} GreenAesop (or worse, ''[[DancingIsSeriousBusiness breakdancing]]'').
* [[DestinationDefenestration I will not put more than two windows in my office, and none of them will be larger than a normal window. I will also keep my office as close to the ground floor as possible.]]

[[folder:Other Characters]]
* Use [[http://www.geocities.ws/evilsnack/innocent.html this list]] if you are an InnocentBystander.
** If I am a shopkeeper, and the village I live in is about to be destroyed by TheLegionsOfHell, I will give the hero my best equipment for free, or at least offer him credit.
*** Unless the hero is a KnightInShiningArmor, and will refuse to take my wares without payment. Sure the world is at stake, but after it's saved, I'll still need money.
*** Alternatively, I may just set my prices really high. I probably have a monopoly in the village, and the hero's [[MoneyForNothing rolling in cash anyway]].
*** Unless also it happens to be the hero's [[DoomedHometown hometown]], in which case my only chance for survival is to leave at once in hopes of [[InexplicablyIdenticalIndividuals meeting up with the hero in every other town]].
*** If I'm tough enough to [[ShopliftAndDie wipe the floor with the hero]], I'm tough enough to fight monsters. If nothing else it is good for business and the economy.
** If I am driving, and a high-speed police chase/illegal street race is approaching, I will pull over and let it past, rather than dawdle in the middle lane and end up plastered over the bonnet of one of the racers.
** If I am a pushcart vendor, I will not work in any city with resident superheroes or other action heroes. If such a hero emerges where I live and I am unable to relocate to another city, I will avoid working busy downtown neighbourhoods at peak periods, and make sure my cart and goods are insured for as much as I can afford.
* If I see someone I know in a disguise, I will not shout their name, explain who they are, or [[Series/ICarly go over and take the disguise off]].
* The JustForFun/IfIAmEverHeadOfAnAlienMonitoringAgency list contains much of value for all big shadow organisations, no matter who they deal with or which side of the pro-/antagonist line they fall.
* If I see an older guy with a full beard, [[OldMaster I will not cross him]], and [[TheMentor he can probably be trusted]]. This goes double if his beard is long and white, and triple if he also has little to no hair anywhere else on his head. However, I will not grow too attached to him, as [[MentorOccupationalHazard he probably won't survive until the end of the film]].
** Aside from the previous case, if I am in a martial arts film and I see anybody with [[BeardOfEvil any other form of facial hair]], I will run far, far away from them.
* If I encounter anyone with a name consisting of a [[OneLetterName single letter]] I will understand that they are not to be trifled with.
* If I am a member of a conspiracy whose leader and other members then attempt to pressure me into some outright evil or traitorous action that I refuse to participate in, I will go along with it until my movement is no longer significantly constrained by said conspiracy before making my courageous moral declaration. Ideally, I will act nice and eager until left alone, then quickly scurry off and warn whoever they're conspiring against.
* If I decide to use a MagneticHero as a leader of my new team I won't act surprised, when most of my operatives leave when s/he decides to quit due to philosophical differences.
* If one of my laboratory's experiments has gone crazy and is trying to kill everyone, I will try and escape. If I have heard that one person has already escaped, I will give up. There's only ever one out, although there ''may'' be survivors at the scene in hiding (this is risky but hey, it sure beats being killed).
** If I both feel incumbent and have an opportunity to scrawl a message on the wall as a warning or clue, I will not make it something incredibly vague like 'What has science wrought?'. I will scribble as clear and concise an explanation of the situation and perpetrators as I can in the time I have to work with, so that hopefully my death will give the heroes that show up later a headstart on working out what they're up against.
** I will be smart about the location and accessibility of my workplace. The heart of a volcano, for example, is an extreme environment where even the slightest thing going awry can and will set off a catastrophic doomsday meltdown, and in most Magitek settings will be home to powerful creatures that will object to my building an artificer's foundry in it. Building it there will also force the hero to navigate an exploding volcano foundry filled with angry elementals to save my ass if any of the aforementioned slightest things inevitably go awry.
** I will not fill my facility with deathtraps, killer guard robots, and/or iron golems, as they do nothing except further hinder the hero's progress if I need to be rescued. If I have the time and resources to build and install all that crap, I have the time and resources to build external defenses that prevent intrusions from occurring in the first damn place and a reliable means of evacuating the facility in an emergency.
* In general, if I am an InnocentBystander of any kind, I will remember that doing anything that might remove the "Innocent" from InnocentBystander [[LaserGuidedKarma will probably result in jail-time or death]].
* If I have left my violent past behind me and am living out my life in quiet anonymity in a remote village, I will not come back for one last job, no matter how big the payoff.

!!By Genre

[[folder:Fairy Tales]]
* I will be polite, kind, charitable, virtuous, honest, caring, etc. Karma will reward me. However, I will not pretend to be any of these things expecting a reward.
* I will be polite and helpful to anyone or anything I meet, especially old people, talking animals, and not-so-inanimate objects. I will graciously accept any gift they give me. It will come in handy later on.
* I will listen to and follow the advice of a mentor character like a talking animal or magical old person.
* If I am given a choice between a plain object and a fancy, valuable, shiny object, I will not take the [[AttentionDeficitOohShiny shiny one]], especially if I was warned against it by the talking animal or magical old person.
* I will not make deals with mystical beings if I can avoid it, especially if it involves me giving up something important like my firstborn child. If I do make a deal with a mystical being or anyone else, I will hold up my end of the deal.
** If I am the mystical being making the offer, I will ask to be invited to the wedding rather than take the firstborn. It works out better.
* In fact, I will go out of my way to avoid mystical beings, unless I'm absolutely sure it will help me on my quest with no Devil's-deal catches on my part. I will always wear my [[ColdIron iron]] bracelet. If I ever see beautiful girls dancing in the meadow, I will turn around, ride away and never look back.
** If I must encounter one of TheFairFolk, I will make it my top priority [[IKnowYourTrueName to learn its real name]]. This will give me leverage should I have to make a deal with it. In turn, I will remember to call myself by an alias. ''(Note: I will check my setting to see if I'm allowed onomantic powers before I try this.)''
* If I am an eldest or middle child, I will be extremely nice to the youngest child and let them go ahead with whatever quest or something needs to be done, instead of trying it myself first and inevitably failing.
* I will remember that if a being is immortal and incapable of lying, they have had a long time to figure out how to twist the truth, [[LoopholeAbuse abuse loopholes]], use SelfFulfillingProphecy, etc.
* If I am the hero, I will be persistent. The {{Determinator}} always wins.
* If I am king and looking for a way to find the next king, I will use a series of {{impossible task}}s. The hero will be the only one who completes it. However, if I am putting out the impossible tasks so that no one will be able to marry my daughter or become the next king, I will be aware that it won't work and there will be a hero who completes them. [[MovingTheGoalposts Adding more tasks after they've completed the ones I originally set out]] is just delaying the inevitable, and may have ugly consequences.
* No matter how sweet my governess or my neighbor is, I will not suggest that my father marry her.
** This goes double if I have a WickedStepmother, and this governess or neighbor gives me an idea on how to kill her so that it looks like an accident. It can indeed get worse.
* If I know that I am prone to extreme jealousy, I will not marry someone who already has a child, particularly if their child is my gender. I will also check for whether we are in FracturedFairyTale before marrying.
** If I do marry, I will treat the child as if they were my own and seek therapy immediately if my jealousy of them manifests even once.
** That includes if their child is a son, I have a daughter, and my attempts to match-make them don't succeed. I will look for other matches. Turning him into a bear doesn't encourage him to marry her, and even if it happens, my [[Manga/KumaMikoGirlMeetsBear grandchildren will suffer for it]].
* If I am the child of the WickedStepmother, I will be perfectly nice to my step-/half-sibling. True, I'm more like to be the supporting character than the hero, but it's better than the villain--and hero is not absolutely impossible.
* I will never kick, punch, or otherwise damage TheHero with any sort of object. Chances are, someone is going to need him the instant it happens.
* Similarly, I will never get into anything with the Damsel or the Princess except what is absolutely necessary. Plenty of time for that when it's all over.
* If I really have to kill my beautiful step-daughter I will do the deed myself. And I will use a dagger instead of feeding her a poisoned apple and leaving her not quite dead to be awakened by her true love.
* I will never stand on the way of True Love. It never works.
* If my beautiful step-daughter falls in love with a prince, I will fully support their relationship and enjoy benefits of being (legally) mother of the future queen. I will also ask my step-daughter to arrange good marriages for her less fortunate, less beautiful step-sisters. Preferably with the king's younger sons.
* If I have a magical mirror that seems to know everything and always tells the truth, I won't waste it on asking if I'm WorldsMostBeautifulWoman; I'll let the Evil Empress do that. There's plenty of more practical things, chief among them wise political decisions, I can use it for.
* If I'm a dragon, I will be a ''good'' dragon ''benefactor'' to the surrounding territory. Being a grumpy recluse or an evil tyrant is just asking to be slain.
** I will, however, indulge in the typical "evil dragon" behaviors at random intervals as a drill, until the hairless pink apes figure out how to defend against those behaviors. I want my subjects to be trained and ready to fight off the real evil dragon that shows up to overthrow me.
** I will also use my accumulated wealth and knowledge of the arcane to found a magic academy focused on training the use of AntiMagic wards and Counterspells. If it's not an evil dragon wrecking my shit, it's an evil sorcerer with the same motives.
** Regardless of my moral alignment, I will keep a mirror in my lair large enough for me to inspect myself for any obvious weak spots that can be hit by AnnoyingArrows and [[ThrowingYourSwordAlwaysWorks thrown swords]].
** If patching those weak spots isn't practical for whatever reason, I'll see about forging a suit of dragon armor. Not only will this protect those weak spots better than my scales alone, but it will also [[RuleOfCool make for some badass cover art]] and help drum up enough popular demand to keep the writer from killing me off for real.

* That strange hairless monkey with no common sense is called a human. [[MostWritersAreHuman He or she is the main character, and shall be treated appropriately.]]
* [[WhatMeasureIsANonHuman If I am the only Furry in the work]], I will not behave in any manner that will [[TheScrappy encourage the fan base to kill me off]]--they'll already be after my blood. [[ObfuscatingStupidity Safest to hide as]] [[FunnyAnimal comic relief.]]
** Or I'll be [[TastesLikeDiabetes disgustingly cute]] in order to get the {{fangirl}}s on my side. Or I'll at least manage some [[Webcomic/{{Freefall}} Florence Ambrose]] level of CrowningMomentOfHeartwarming.
*** She has all the luck. [[IncrediblyLamePun Bitch.]]
* I have not heard of 'yiff'. If anyone mentions anything like this to me, I will feign complete incomprehension in the hope that my hilariously innocent personality will insulate me from any goings-on.
** I will also try to have some ability to detect figures sneaking up behind me, and will remain wary of anyone taking any interest in me at all.
** If a character standing near an air tank, water hose, or any other means of possibly inflating me keeps looking in my general direction, I will immediately taser them and run. Even if I wasn't their intended victim, better safe than sorry.
** Alternatively, if there is a character/group of characters who have been inflated or are overweight I will taser anyone not inflated and run like hell. Even if that character is the only one in the room, remember: THEY'RE THE ONLY ONES IN THE ROOM.
** In a lot of cases, these characters are at the center of fetish stories in which the fetishist character is either GodModeSue or LemonStu, and in which anyone that becomes directly involved in the story risks becoming another victim. If I stumble across an inflation scene already in progress, and no one has taken notice of my presence, I will leave the scene as stealthily as possible. I will then alert the police ASAP.
** In spite of my best efforts as described on this list, I can and will expect to still become the unwilling victim in one of these scenes, and to end up holding the IdiotBall too tightly during the scene to save myself. In that case, I will have prepared something in advance to short-circuit the fetishist's attempts. For example, I could have myself chipped and under police surveillance. Or I could get a spot in a FiveManBand and make really good friends with TheBigGuy and/or TheChick. Or I can earn the favor of a wind/water goddess in a previous adventure that negates the inflation attempt or [[HoistByHisOwnPetard rolls it back on the fetishist.]]
** I will not use lethal force against any of the aforementioned characters. Killing the fetishist or his victims (even as a MercyKill) carries the risk of the deceased character becoming a vengeful ghost, and me becoming the first victim of their newfound supernatural inflation powers.
** If I somehow get [[BalloonBelly inflation]] [[BlessedWithSuck powers]], I will instead train in martial arts or swordfighting and use one of those as my main power, only using my inflationary abilities either when my opponents are completely distracted, it's the only option, or [[HavingaBlast as a last resort]]. I will also use my inflation powers every time the option presents itself when not in combat to avoid having my powers [[DiabolusExMachina accidentally]] going off in battle.
** If I weigh anywhere under 300-600 pounds I will avoid taking any food from strangers, even if I am dying of starvation. The last thing I need is to get fatter, especially if I weigh over 300 pounds because you know [[TheresNoKillLikeOverkill I'm not going to just get a few hundred more pounds then]]. I will also learn to limit how much I eat, and if my host shows signs of aggression when I state that I'm full I will taser the host and run like hell. SacredHospitality my tail.
** I will remember that feral animals are not exempt from being on the recieving end of inflation/weight gain, and I will also remember that feral animals are not exempt from causing it either. If any animal, especially magic animals, gets close to my mouth or rear end I will knock it/them away and run like hell.
** I will also try to either stay a virgin as much as possible, or date/marry female characters [[BitheWay even if I am female]]. No matter what, I [[ObviousPregnancy do]] [[LongestPregnancyEver not]] [[ExplosiveBreeder want]] [[BabyFactory to]] [[TooManyBabies get]] [[MotherofaThousandYoung pregnant]]. I will also avoid any [[MysticalPregnancy artifacts]], [[DivinePregnancy shrines]], or anything else where magic could be involved because it WILL cause pregnancy in females, especially non-human women.
* If there is, has been, or may ever be sort of conflict between humans and furries, I will act conciliatory towards both sides (especially if I'm [[HumansAreBastards human]]) to avoid being on the wrong side when conflict breaks out.
** Or, should I wish to stay neutral, I will do as much as I am able to get away before such a conflict breaks out, detractors be damned.
* If '''any''' methods of [[IncredibleShrinkingMan making me the size of a toy or insect]] (potions, shrink rays, etc.) exist, I will stay FAR away from them, by any and all means necessary. If being around such hazards is unavoidable, I will [[DontTouchItYouIdiot avoid handling them unless I absolutely have to]]. If any counters/antidotes to these shrinking hazards exist, I will keep one at hand at all times if possible. No need to spend who knows how long the size of an ant.
** If I DO get shrunken, I will [[ImAHumanitarian avoid getting spotted/captured by carnivorous furries at all costs.]] They eat meat, I'm a tiny critter...what else could happen? This applies doubly if I'm a human in a majority-furry lab/magic school/whatever.
** I will also NEVER try to climb a chair to get the attention of a furry in the room. It's not at eye-level, and [[AssKicksYou the dangers]] [[SquashedFlat are obvious.]] [[ButtSticker As is what will happen after I get flattened.]]
* It's a safe bet to remain clothed at all times ([[AttemptedRape especially in]] [[GratuitousRape more morally]] [[RomanticizedAbuse black/grey works]], or works less friendly to PettingZooPeople), and to make sure I'm completely alone if I do have/want to get undressed. It's also probably best to invest in locks for both my bathroom and bedroom doors, as well as for those rooms' windows. If I'm female I might also want to invest in at least a fake wedding ring and to dress in as conservative of clothes as possible, [[EntitledToHaveYou as much good as that will do in some works]].
** It's also best to travel with other people I know when I leave the house ([[TheHermit if I don't just stay inside]]), and I ESPECIALLY want to either have a friend go with me into gym lockers, restrooms, and anywhere else I'm forced to undress, or else avoid them entirely. It's also a good idea not to go anywhere where somebody mentions something is a "surprise." Even if my friends are just being nice, it's preferable that they don't surprise me any more than getting an [[DateRape extra surprise]].
** [[BarefootCartoonAnimal Shoes can be an exception to this rule]], and paws seem like a harmless enough fetish, but I will keep in mind that going bare-pawed has the potential to lead to its own set of issues that can be rather [[AgonyOfTheFeet inconvenient]].
* I will take note of and learn how to respond to any AnimalStereotypes that exist in the setting I live in, and especially ones applicable to my particular species. If they exist, [[FantasticRacism they will be used against me]] at some point in my adventures.

!!If I am the lead...
* I will keep my hands in my pockets at all times around women. Failure to do so can have [[ThanksForTheMammary unfortunate]] [[AccidentalPervert consequences.]]
* I will memorize a large list of InnocentInnuendo and avoid using any of it, especially when talking to my female costars.
* I will stay ''away'' from the hot spring, especially if it is clothing optional. This goes double for communual baths. My bath will be in a separate room only accessible from my own bedroom, which I will keep locked whenever I am not there.
** If avoiding the baths is impossible, I will invest in a check-in sheet for the door, so that I do not end up entering while someone of the opposite gender is inside.
*** Even with that precaution in place, I will make sure to knock and ask if someone is inside at least three times before actually entering. Loudly slamming the door is a good idea, too.
* As mentioned above, I will not encourage the advances of suitors. I will tell them at the first possible opportunity that I am not looking for a relationship. My door will have a sign on it that says "Nope, still not interested." It would be prudent of me to already have a boy[=/=]girlfriend who is not a member of the harem and to inform the harem about our existing relationship. Wearing a fake engagement ring might help as well.
** If the above fails, I will [[SorryImGay claim to be homosexual]]. ''Unless'' my harem includes a {{Yaoi Fan|girl}}[=/=]YuriFan.
** If the harem includes a {{Yandere}}, this is could mean a death sentence for my significant-other, me, anyone nearby, and[=/=]or a few police. Thus, in the interest of saving lives, I will demand a SuicidePact as proof of love, ideally with the Yandere dying before and me later (of old age, surrounded by grandchildren). Note: This will not work if they're already some sort of [[TheUndead undead]].
* Before committing to any one girl ([[MarryThemAll if that's even necessary]]), be sure to have sufficient knowledge of all the girls in the harem and sort out any problems, psychosis, etc. they might have. While this can and will be difficult with other girls being jealous of your attention giving and may end up making said girl harder to get rid of from the harem, the last thing you need is a {{Yandere}} at your neck.
* I will never allow my friends to convince me to peek in girls bath, changing room, or anything similar to those examples.
** If they go on without me, I will not try to stop them. Chances are good I will get caught while they get away. Instead I will tell either an adult or one of the girls. (But not the CutePsycho. Screams of Agony make a poor lullaby)
** In the same vein, I will attempt to avoid having friends that are {{Loveable Sex Maniac}}s or any other personality that perpetuates the AllMenArePerverts stereotype, who salivate at the idea of taking advantage of my situation without regards to whatever harm will befall me in the long run. Those types lead to the situations described above and generally cause more problems.
** If I can help it, at least some my friends should consist of other, like-minded, rational folks who are able to respect the people who make up my harem as ''people'' first and not "opportunities". Not only will that help with managing all the girls attracted to me by not causing unnecessary confusion, but it will also allow the possibility for some of the girls [[PairTheSpares to become more attracted to my friends rather than myself]], thinning out the ones chasing me and ensuring all of them don't end up being alone in the case I begin a relationship with one of them.
* Should I have an attractive younger or older sister or female cousin that I have a very close relationship with, I will make sure to introduce her to all of the girls attracted to me as soon as possible to avoid confusion.
* If I hear someone scream in another room, I will shout "What's wrong?" and wait for a response ''before'' entering the room.
* I will make it clear that I do not intend to accept physical abuse from anyone, regardless of my gender. Anyone trying to hit me will be stopped. If I am unable to stop the attack, I will either counter to the best of my ability or else try to get whatever authorities are appropriate to deal with the situation.
* At no point will I use the word "love" towards someone unless I seriously mean it. Above all, I will ''never'' say "I love you/her...as a friend." It never helps.
* Upon discovering I have a harem, I will go over each member in my head. If there are one or more members I feel I would never choose over the others, I will be sure to tell them I'm not interested. Otherwise, [[LoveDodecahedron things get needlessly complicated]].
** The only exception to this rule is if their hidden depths are later revealed to me, and that drastically changes my opinion of them.
** When someone who I don't love confesses to me in that way, I will treat their emotions seriously and not forget about how they feel the minute I walk out the door. I don't have to pussyfoot around them for the rest of our lives, but I should take into account how they feel when doing things that are relevant. I will not assume that their emotions have gone away until shown otherwise, and I will remember that denial, though comfortable for ''me,'' ultimately solves nothing.
* To be truly savvy, ''grow a spine'' and then deliberately break most or all above rules. Play those girls for all it's worth, because you may never have another chance like it.
** I will make sure that no lasting harm will come of this. A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, no matter what its nature, is '''no''' excuse to be reckless.
** Caveat: most of the above advice is intended to avoid serious injuries delivered by pissed-off girls. Taking advantage of the situation has been known to result in an ''instant'' KarmicDeath.
*** [[VisualNovel/SchoolDays Or worse.]]
* If I have a potential love interest but if I find out that there is someone else who has known him/her well and cared for them since childhood and is quite possibly in love with them (even if they won't admit it at first) I will back off and not be a potential threat to their love life, ''especially'' if that potential love interest still genuinely cares for that person. (In fact if possible I might even try to see if I can play match-maker with them but that's optional.) Because even if I do make that other person an UnluckyChildhoodFriend there is a very good chance that the fanbase will ([[DieForOurShip to put it mildly]]) definitely want to take their side (and it's often rather justified). However that's only if that person is genuinely good; if s/he would deserve to be an UnluckyChildhoodFriend then it's no problem then.
** This policy may be modified if they faced a long separation and seeing each other for the first time several months after I met my love interest. In that case I still stand a chance. Naturally, I will still be as nice as possible, but I may use this opportunity to act conspicuously insecure somewhere my love interest can see me.
* If I am trying to be a VictoriousChildhoodFriend I will persevere but do it in the friendliest way possible, while it is true that if I do end up to be an UnluckyChildhoodFriend I will most likely appear to be quite sympathetic. (However I should be really careful and try not to [[TookALevelInJerkass take a level in Jerkass]]; otherwise that would make any sympathy go away.) But if I can't avoid being an UnluckyChildhoodFriend, and if I have a choice in either IWantMyBelovedToBeHappy or TookALevelInJerkass, I will definitely choose the former.
** For that matter, if I find myself having romantic feelings and/or attraction to my childhood friend, ''I will '''tell''' them'' as soon as I figure it out. If I wait until after the crazy stuff has started or someone else starts to show an interest in them, it's probably too late.
* If I'm stuck in a situation in which all of my love interests are sadistic arseholes, I ''will'' [[WhatTheHellHero speak my mind]] when they get out of control instead of keeping my mouth shut, and find some way to escape my situation even if it kills me. Besides, [[ExactWords they don't seem to care about me]], so it would just make sense to take a "burden" off of their shoulders.
** Above all else, ''do not'' [[AllGirlsWantBadBoys fall in love with them]]. I'll be more likely to justify and excuse their [[BastardBoyfriend less savory actions]] towards me if I do. I'll try to keep as many loving influences around me as possible too, in order to remind myself what kind of relationships I should actually potentially want.
* If (while still in high school or college) I have been assigned to become the landlord/manager for a girls' dormitory, and I run into a girl my age ([[CrashInToHello literally]] or otherwise), I will ask her for directions to the place, since she will most likely be a resident there (and thus can back me up when I have to convince all the other residents that I'm not a pervert).
!!If I am a love interest...
* I will not be a {{Tsundere}} if I can help it. It can be [[MasterOfTheMixedMessage needlessly confusing]] and any lead worth their harem would stay away from the MoodSwinger.
** If I must be a tsundere, I will be a Type B.
* I will also not be a {{Yandere}}. See bullet 1. Also, do I really want to be known as "The Crazy One"?
* I will befriend the other members of the harem. First, it's good to know the competition. Second, a friendly harem is less likely to MurderTheHypotenuse and more likely to end on relatively good terms.
* If I happen to be female, the doors to the bathroom and my room will be sturdy and have locks, my clothes will [[ClothingDamage be durable and able to withstand a strong tug without falling apart]], and any diaries/embarrassing pictures/other such items will be either disposed of by burning or kept in a safe inside a locked closet at all times.
** I will not immediately attack the lead if I catch them doing something that's [[AccidentalPervert possibly perverted.]] Instead, I will calm down and listen to what they have to say. Unless they are known for being a HandsomeLech, they probably ARE telling the truth, as farfetched as it may seem. And sometimes, even the lech is being honest.
* Unless I am sparring with them, I resist the urge to attack the lead with the exception of the occasional DopeSlap or BrightSlap. By attacking them, I have given them the right to retaliate, [[WouldHitAGirl female or not.]] Also, I have given the rest of the harem [[ViolentlyProtectiveGirlfriend reason to attack me as well.]]
* If I am the BrokenBird in the harem or TroubledButCute, I will remember that unless the lead is explicitly the cause of my emotional problems, they are not responsible for my emotional problems and thus resist dumping or projecting them on to them.
* If I am the CutePsycho in the harem, I will try to quell my psycho urges. Most leads will put up with a cute psycho so long as they are more cute than psycho.
* If I genuinely expect the lead to become my lover, [[CanNotSpitItOut I]] '''[[AvertedTrope will]]''' [[CanNotSpitItOut tell the lead that]] '''''[[AnguishedDeclarationOfLove I LIKE THEM.]]''''' I will do this [[LoveEpiphany as soon as I personally figure it out.]] I will say it in ways [[ObliviousToLove they understand]] and as long and [[SelectiveObliviousness as often as it takes for them to get it]] or until they tell me to shut up.
* If the lead tells me "No, I don't want to go out with you," I will neither MurderTheHypotenuse [[WomanScorned nor the lead.]] Instead, I will smile, say "Thank you" and leave with as much dignity as I can muster. This has a two-fold benefit: one, the lead will be more likely to remember me fondly which will help my chances should I decide to try again much later; and two, this will likely impress the lead's attractive friends, at least one of whom may consider dating me.
* When I, the lead, and the other members of the harem [[BeachEpisode go to a water park,]] and one of the girls gives me an inner-tube that needs to be inflated, I will not accept it (because if I did, she would get a big head-start).
* I will keep an eye on the lead's attractive friends. [[TasteTheRainbow If they can have choices]], so can I. Fair's fair.
* If I can see that the lead genuinely cares about me and the other girls in the harem, and isn't able to choose between us, I will consider MarryThemAll solution. This will spare us trouble with a LoveDodecahedron and prevent ShipToShipCombat from destroying the fandom.


[[folder: Cosmic Horror ]]

* I will not treat things as a ScoobyDoo style man in a mask when there is blatant, copious evidence to the contrary.
** I will avoid associating myself with ''anyone'' who does the above, lest that person ends up taking me with them to their graves.
* I will not waste time trying to get my friends, family, etc. to believe me. This is a lovely way to get institutionalized.
** On the other hand, if this EldritchAbomination can't get to me while I'm in the asylum, it's not a bad hiding place while I figure out what the right course of action is.
* I will make sure not to be an asshole, a snob or a mean spirited person in any way. Though my chances of surviving this at all are slim, the way I die will be less horrific if I'm not as much of a monster as what we're facing.
** It had better be a ''we'' and not just me, or else the evil will have already won hands down.
* I will immediately drag my true companions into this. The odds of me dying drop for each other person involved.
** Alternatively, if I wish not to be involved, I will [[RefusalOfTheCall courteously refuse]], head for my car, and [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere floor it]].
* I will not [[WebVideo/EverymanHYBRID attack the unspeakable evil with a baseball bat]]. It won't help. Nor will trying to hit him with a car.
** [[Videogame/{{Earthbound}} If smashing it with a baseball bat proves to be effective, I will do so until my arms fall off.]]
* [[DoNotTauntCthulhu I will not taunt Cthulhu or anything Cthulhu-like in nature.]]
** If I disregard this and do it anyway, I will stop [[Film/ParanormalActivity when it becomes clear I'm making it absolutely furious.]]
*** If I don't stop by then, my true companions have my permission to kill me outright, as I'm clearly being TooStupidToLive.
* I will always keep my car in good condition to avoid this situation at all costs.
* If I do go need to go to a suspicious looking place, I will try to minimize my time there and not [[TooDumbToLive sing about it.]] [[note]]I'm looking at you, [[Film/TheRockyHorrorPictureShow Brad and Janet]].[[/note]]
** If going there is not necessary (and it shouldn't be), I will OptOut the first instance my friends (assuming I fell in with [[CuriosityKilledTheCast the terminally-curious variety]] in the first place, that is) ask me if I want to join in. If [[ButThouMust they insist that I join in anyway]], I will [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere break away from the]] [[TooDumbToLive suicidally-curious pack]] the first chance I get (read: as soon as possible, especially if they're not looking).
** If there is some sort of spell put on me that has every single word I utter into a song, I will simply not speak.
* I will join the army and never stray from my unit which is full of anonymous guys who fire strictly in volleys. That way my only job will be to save the last person left alive.
** If the story happens to focus on my unit even a little, I'll make sure to [[HelmetsAreHardlyHeroic ditch the helmet]] as soon as possible. This will hopefully get the camera pointed on me most of the time and immensely improve my odds of survival.
* Above all else, I will avoid being a part of the conflict as much as I can. The less screentime I get, the better my chances of survival.
* If this turns out to be a true CosmicHorrorStory, I will ignore any or all of the above at my leisure, since I and everyone else is doomed anyway. I can at least take some cold comfort in knowing that whatever horror gets me is just as screwed in the grand scheme of things.
* If possible, I will try to get turned into a monster. I may go insane and will almost certainly be outcast from human society, but at least I'll be on the winning side.
* If I find a dusty old book filled with occult writing that mentions unspeakable horrors, I will ''burn'' it.
** On the off chance burning the book may unleash [[SealedEvilInACan the demonic entity trapped inside]], I will make sure to keep my damned mouth ''shut'' as I check the text for advice on what to do next. What kind of moron can't process information without reading it out loud, anyway?
* If I happen to live in Ireland, Scotland, Wales, New England or Louisiana I will ''leave immediately'' and relocate somewhere innocuous and sunny.


[[folder: General Horror ]]

[[http://www.sff.net/people/Wm.Mark.Simmons/horror.htm Go here.]] [[http://www.amazon.com/Survive-Horror-Movie-Seth-Grahame-Smith/dp/1594741794/ Or read this.]]

* Above all else I will remember it's entirely possible to be [[WrongGenreSavvy wrong]]. Just because it looks like something might happen is never a guarantee that there won't be at least a subversion or two. As soon as I know I'm wrong I shall change strategy and adapt to the correct genre.
* If anything bad has been happening around my neighborhood lately, under ''absolutely no circumstances whatsoever'' will I have sex with ''anyone'', even my spouse; [[DeathBySex that never ends well]]. In fact, even when everything's apparently resolved, I'll be sure to wait a week or two to see if the monster[=/=]SerialKiller[=/=]EldritchAbomination[=/=]whatever is truly gone for good before having sex.
* If I am a child or teenager when bad things start happening in my neighborhood, and my parents, guardians, or other responsible adults impose a curfew or insist that I only go out in a group with friends, I will ''follow their rules''. I will also never attempt any LoopholeAbuse by [[StrangerDanger going out alone with anyone to whom I've only just been introduced and don't actually know that well]]. If said stranger tries to invoke this loophole by claiming I ''do'' know him or her, I will both flatly refuse the offer, and report this incident to a trusted adult; chances are, that's the monster who's been doing all the killing/raping/other horrible things.
* I will remember that, [[WhatMeasureIsANonHuman for anything that should be dead anyway or has too many tentacles]], MurderIsTheBestSolution.
* If something tall and wearing a coat stands in front of my door, I will not open the door nor will I run away. Instead, I will grab a shotgun and blast the door and the figure down. Then I'll blast the figure again. [[BoomHeadshot In its head.]] [[ChunkySalsaRule Until it no longer has a head.]]
** I will, though, make sure to install a peephole ahead of time. Nothing's more embarrassing than blasting the census man by mistake, and in the time it takes to realize my error, guess who just appeared ''{{right behind me}}''...?
* In the rare event that I have the killer at my mercy because I'm pointing the gun at him or her, I will not stop to toss off a taunt or PreMortemOneLiner or offer one last chance to repent. Even if such ThirdActStupidity doesn't [[TooDumbToLive get me killed]], it will only prolong the horror movie (which has lasted long enough already) and possibly add to the body count and number of injuries the good guys suffer. [[JustShootHim Instead, I will shoot the killer on sight.]]
* If I hear weird noises coming from behind a door, I will instead use another door. Or improvise.
* If I strike a dark figure while trying to escape from a menacing being, I will not check to make sure the figure is okay. Instead, I will either make sure it is dead by running over it again or just keep driving.
** But I will not do this if I have not seen the killer yet. Even if it is a horror movie, getting arrested for Hit and Run will not help. The police will ''not'' be able to stop the killer when he comes after me.
* If I am currently in America I will stay away from [[LovecraftCountry New England]], or the DeepSouth. If I am in [[CampbellCountry England]] I will try as best as I am able to get off that Island.
* If I am female, and just must investigate strange noises in the dark outside, the basement, the attic, the air lock, etc, if the option exists I will wear more than a bra/panties, a towel, or just a T-shirt. Even if it doesn't improve my survivability, it makes for a more dignified ending.
** If I am a blonde, I will immediately dye my hair some other colour. If not [[DumbBlonde for my own intellect]], then because [[SlashersPreferBlondes blondes seem to be targeted more frequently.]]
* As soon as the killings start (assuming I wasn't among the first set of victims), I will relocate to another neighborhood as soon as possible.
* I will never come back to my [[ClosedCircle isolated]] and [[TownWithADarkSecret seemingly peaceful]] [[DyingTown dying hometown]], if I know there were mysterious and deadly things happening in the past. Especially if said events were the reason I left in a first place! Any of my old friends claiming that these events didn't take place is either a part of the conspiracy and will get me eaten or TooDumbToLive and will end as a snack for the monster himself. Either way he is not to be trusted nor saved.
** If I hear that something strange is happening again, I won't rush to check on my loved ones or old friends. Mobiles exist for a reason and if they don't respond they are dead meat anyway.
* Musty old [[TomeOfEldritchLore Tomes of Eldritch Lore]] are to be avoided at all costs. If I absolutely must peruse one, I will never read it aloud. It's safer that way, both for me and for everyone around me.
* If a strange voice starts talking to me in my head, it probably isn't my conscience.
* If I'm the only black guy in the movie and can't just up and leave town, I'll go out of my way to loudly complain about how "[[UncleTomFoolery I'm gonna die with all these crazy-ass white people!]]" Sure, it's undignified, but it's the best chance I've got; irony is the one thing slasher movie villains love more than killing the only black guy.
** On the other hand, if I'm the only black guy and played by a rapper--especially one named LLCoolJ--I'll just kick my heels up for the next 80 minutes and enjoy a nice, hot mug of chamomile with a twist of lemon. Nothing will be required of me until it's time to pop up out of nowhere and save the FinalGirl, and I'll be in no danger whatsoever even then, because the rapper ''never'' gets bumped off.
** As a corollary, if I'm one of two black guys in the movie and the other guy is played by a rapper--especially one named LL Cool J--then I'll have no choice but to kill him immediately by any means necessary; they only put two of us in there so they could safely kill one and leave a spare to come back and help save the day, and the rapper ''never'' gets bumped off... unless ''I'' do it.
* No matter what the deal, that abandoned old house in the middle of Nowheresville is ''no'' bargain. If I am selling, those pretty young things looking for a deal aren't likely to ask any questions. If I am a potential customer, I'll opt for something within the city limits.
* If I'm into homosexuality or bisexuality or any other unconventional sexuality, or suspect myself to be, I will never follow the main characters or be seen with my significant other near the site of conflict. In fact, I will just move out of town if I can. [[BuryYourGays The less screentime I get, the better.]]
** [[StraightGay Alternatively, if I am the protagonist, I will try to act as "straight" as possible and never take any part in romance or fetishes, even off-screen.]] If the killer (and the audience) doesn't know about my sexual proclivities, I'm that much less likely to be targeted.
* I will never, NEVER, '''NEVER''', '''''NEVER''''' [[FoundFootageFilms pick up a handheld camera]], ever. The handheld camera is an IdiotBall with a lens, and the crippling stupidity I'm required to possess while [[ApocalypticLog I tote one of the damned things around through all sorts of mortal peril is in no way worth the inevitable payoff of the audience getting to see me kick the bucket in 1st-person.]] I don't care if people "have to know" what happens to us; they're just going to have to find out through some way that isn't ''me''.
* I will never go play hide-and-seek after dark, in an abandoned building or in the forest. Especially if there are rumors of people disappearing.
* I will keep my back to the wall at all times, unless the killer lives in the walls or has the ability to phase through walls or teleport. The last thing I need is to get jumped by something I could have seen coming.
* If I suffer from a weight problem, can be considered a "geek" in any sense of the word, or have bullied anyone in the past, I will leave the country as soon as the killings start (if I am not one of the first victims).
* I will keep in mind that competence and pragmatism are both double-edged swords that might [[DeathByGenreSavviness get me killed]] to show how dangerous and unstoppable the villain is. At the very least I will not be visibly competent to the point of becoming the world-famous expert on dealing with monsters/demons/masked killers, as this tends to [[TheWorldsExpertOnGettingKilled drastically decrease one's chances of survival]]. [[DeathByPragmatism For the same reason]] I will think twice before advocating any plan that involves sacrificing someone for the greater good.
** If the sacrifice I'm suggesting is ''[[HeroicSacrifice myself]]'', on the other hand, I just instantly upped my chances of survival by about 35%. Obviously, that's 65% less than the ideal, but at least if I don't pull through, it'll likely be considered part of a BittersweetEnding.
** Even then, I'll need to weigh all my options very carefully, as there's a distinct possibility that the writer is just [[ShootTheShaggyDog being an asshole]] and setting me up for a SenselessSacrifice. Hey, being savvy doesn't ''always'' make things easier.
* If I take charge in my own survival by acquiring a firearm, I will count the rounds in the clip or magazine. Then I can count in my head while fighting to ensure I know exactly when I'm out of ammo.
** Furthermore, [[IWillFightSomeMoreForever if an emptied clip didn't take out the one thing I'm shooting at, I should probably run.]]
* I will NOT carry a flashlight. Flashlights only work in one direction, and are prone to crap out with little to no provocation in most horror scenarios. Plus, monsters love to sabotage flashlights by stealing the batteries and bulbs from them while the humans aren't using them. Instead, I will use another portable light source, such as a liquid fuel or kerosene camping lantern. Not only do they shine brighter in more directions, but they're also more difficult to tamper with without being detected. If the horror scenario I'm in allows MacGyvering, I can also modify the lantern into a last-resort firebomb.
* I will always have a satellite phone with me, as I'm more likely to catch a satellite than cell signal. The phone will be of the everything-proof variety--I prefer sturdiness to blatant smartphone product placement. Apart from the satellite phone, I will always carry a power pack and a cable so that I won't be caught with my phone's battery dry.
* If the house I'm going to looks vaguely Gothic or Neo-Gothic, I am not going to that house.
* I will regularly check my car's engine so that it will start seamlessly when I have to get away quickly.
* Before moving to a new house, I will carefully check its past and what it was built on. If there's anything suspicious, I will choose a different house instead.
* If upon moving to a new house my shy, antisocial child starts to claim she/he has new friends I can't see, I will investigate and, if those imaginary friends act in unsettling way, I will forbid my child to associate with them and get the hell away from this house.
* If for some reason I expect to be alone for the night in potentially-haunted house, I will instead spend this night with my friends or family.
* If I hear suspicious noises, I will not go to investigate them alone. Instead, I will quietly, but quickly go in the opposite direction. This goes double if the noises are maniacal laughter, human scream or oddly loud breathing or eating sounds.
* Basements are bad. Cellars are worse. If there's no sign of any unusual activity yet, I'll move my stuff upstairs and have it walled off as soon as possible. If there are already strange things happening, I will leave my stuff down there and just fill the whole damn thing with cement right away; I can get a new foosball table, but I can't buy a new head after whatever's down there gets hungry and decides to snatch mine off at the shoulders.
* Upon entering a room or any other enclosed space, I will always check the [[CeilingCling ceiling]], wardrobes and drawers. I will do so with a ten-feet pole.
* I will not assume that I can outrun the monster or killer. Even if it moves slowly when I see it, I can be sure it has mastered OffscreenTeleportation or similar means of transportation.
* If I'm lucky enough to have armor and/or helmet, I will never take those off. ''Never''.
* One exception for the above: if I'm part of an armed group wearing armor and helmets, and something starts rapidly killing my buddies, I have to take off the helmet immediately. [[RedShirt My friends and I only popped in so the baddies could show how deadly they are by slaughtering us all]], and losing the helmet greatly increases my odds of becoming a SoleSurvivor; horror stories '''love''' that guy!
** Corollary: If the helmet trick didn't work, I'm out of ammunition, cornered by the baddie who just shrugged it all off, and it's clear that I won't be surviving after all, I'll make a point to have [[FamousLastWords something cool to growl out]] [[DefiantToTheEnd in defiance]] instead of panicking and whimpering while it moves in for the kill. As the last one to die, I'm representing the rest of my squad; we couldn't stop the threat, but that doesn't mean we have to go out like a wuss.
* I will make sure to be on a good terms with resident priests, doctors, police officers and the [[INeedAFreakingDrink bartender]].
* If I figure out who the killer is or how to stop them, I will ''keep my mouth shut.'' Figuring this out first makes me the smart guy and revealing the secret aloud would condemn to be killed off mid-sentence. I will instead silently work on my plan and wait for the protagonist's main plan to fail and lure out the killer to get the killshot myself.
* Under no circumstances will I attempt to dress up as the monster/killer and try to scare my friends. That can only end one of two ways: either the real monster/killer will pop up and kill me, or my friends will kill me by mistake. Either way, it's suicide.


[[folder: For Investigators And Private Detectives ]]

* If I am the PrivateDetective, I should always assume there's more than meets the eye to my client (''especially'' the FemmeFatale) until proven otherwise. They may very well be behind some of what's going on...
* If I believe I am in danger because I have information important to the investigation, I will call the police and tell them over the phone. I will not insist on waiting for them to arrive.
** But ''absolutely'' not from a [[DisconnectedByDeath phone booth]].
** [[HaveYouToldAnyoneElse Then I will call everyone else I can think of and tell them as well.]]
** And I will make several copies and records of the information I have, hide some of them in secure locations and mail the others out.
** And I will certainly not go to confront the culprit, alone, without having delivered any helpful information to anybody else. Even if all I witnessed was jaywalking, it's probably key to a vast mystery involving arson and murder that the perp won't hesitate to kill over.
** If Character A mentions that Character B has been acting oddly or been strangely forgetful lately, I will immediately assume that Character B is being impersonated.
* If I am a detective and am interviewing the first suspect I will assume he is innocent.
** Unless he happens to be the accomplice. Then he will be murdered in a gruesome manner.
** If there is something suspicious about the first suspect he is just covering up an adulterous affair. The first suspect is ''never'' the murderer.
** Rather, the one I start tracking leads on will be the wacky bit character I met at the beginning of the episode. Even if he's ''unrelated to the case and supposedly several hundred miles away'', it's [[ScoobyDoo almost always him]].
* If one of the suspects is a [[BeautyEqualsGoodness beautiful maiden]] I will assume right away that she is innocent.
** However if it was a professional job, it is not unknown for a [[LadyOfWar hired killer]] to be a beautiful woman. If I suspect this, I will assume she is the most formidable killer I have ever met.
* If one of the suspects is an old and ugly guy with an unpleasant disposition, chances are, he is the murderer.
* If I am a KidDetective and my mother is acting odd, she's either pregnant or planning a surprise party, so I won't waste my time when there are real mysteries I could be investigating.
* I will ignore the biggest and most blatantly JerkAss member of the group of suspects. [[RedHerring He is innocent anyway]].
* I will learn some kind of unarmed combat and always carry a canister of pepper spray with me.
* [[Series/PrettyLittleLiars I will not take matters into my own hands simply because one method of sleuthing doesn't work.]]
* If a Person of Interest has uncannily pale eyes, I will instantly be on guard.


[[folder: For The Suspects ]]

* Before blackmailing a murderer, I will keep in mind that this person has killed his way out of a previous problem.
* If I hear [[MysteryMagnet Jessica Fletcher]] is going to visit town, I will leave before she arrives.
** Likewise, if I find myself invited to any function at a country manor in a time-locked inter-war Britain, I will politely decline; ''someone'' there is going to [[DoubleEntendre be found murdered by the maid]].
** The same applies to Jane Marple, Hercule Poirot, Adrian Monk, and, well, any famous amateur detective.
* Before doing something that could be incriminating, I will consider the chance it is a trap.
** If I hear the police are going to search the area where I might have left some evidence, I will weigh the risks of them finding it against the risks they've already found it and are trying to induce me into looking for it.
** If I have killed somebody and hidden the body, then it looks like the person is still alive, I will not check whether the body is still there. There's nothing to be gained, and it would probably just lead the police to the body.
* If I am asked questions which imply that I may have killed a loved one, and I didn't, I will suppress my natural indignation as best I can and remain courteous and [[BeAsUnhelpfulAsPossible helpful]], including owning up to any [[MurderTheHypotenuse affairs]] I may have been having. The cops ''have'' to ask these questions and the smoother the investigation goes, the sooner they will realize my innocence. Being a {{Jerkass}} will drastically increase my chances of being AcquittedTooLate.
** If I ''did'' do it, I will still be helpful (too much defensiveness just makes me look guilty) and find someone to frame. I should have done this ''before'' the murder, but better late than never.
** If this is real life, I ''will'' get riled up, since the police expect people to get angry when they're suspected of crimes.
* If I am being chased by the killer, I will ''not'' run into any unfamiliar alleyways. Nine times out of ten it's a dead end, and the one time it isn't the killer will be waiting at the other end. I am not [[Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer that Buffy broad]].
* During interrogation, I will invoke my right to silence and and my right to a attorney regardless of my innocence/guilt.
* If I should happen to see or hear anything about that [[Series/TheCloser scatterbrained blonde peach]], it's time to skedaddle. Dames like those don't say, "and one more thing"; they lull you into making a slip, ''then'' they drop the mask.
* If I get a letter asking me to meet someone in secret at an oddly specific time, I will ''never'', '''ever''' do what it says, no matter who I think sent it or how justifiable their desire for privacy is. If I do go to the meeting, I will tell someone about it beforehand and make certain to arrive just slightly early or late: the trap will still probably be fatal, but doing those things might throw a SpannerInTheWorks of my killer's plan. I will also ask the letter's purported author if he or she really wrote it.


[[folder: For The Culprit ]]

* When I arrive in a city and begin setting up my plans for crime, I will first check the Yellow Pages for [[Literature/TheDresdenFiles "Wizards"]]. If I find ''any'', I will call them and act like a potential customer. If they are legit, I will find a new city. Not only will their presence be a detriment to my plans, but the [[WeirdnessMagnet strange occurrences that follow them everywhere]]--of which WalkingTechbane is only the mildest--are likely to turn out as bad for me as they do for them. Not worth the risk.
* I will never dress up as a ghost or monster--especially if it's a bunch of kids and their pet, [[YouMeddlingKids it's going to end badly.]]
* ''Especially'' never dress as a ghost or monster to scare people away from your illegal profiting scheme; you'd make better progress by running the operation from a police station's parking lot. Remember: you're already breaking the law, so when it comes to dealing with meddling kids, a shovel and some quicklime is far more effective than rubber masks and white bedsheets will ever be.
* If I hear a famous [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Columbo professional]] or [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jessica_Fletcher amateur]] detective is vacationing in my area, I will put off my crime until ''after'' they leave. It doesn't matter if they are so far out of their jurisdiction they're in another country; the local police will ask them to help out, and the detective will solve the case.
* If I have committed a serious crime, and the detective says "Just one more thing", I will hold him to that.
** Unless I have encountered an [[LittleOldLadyInvestigates inquisitive old lady]], in which case I will ignore the police (who will be incompetent) and focus on evading her.
*** And if said little old lady was dumb enough to confront me alone and with no witnesses (and I'm absolutely certain she told no one else where she was going), [[MurderIsTheBestSolution I will just add her to my body count]] instead of admitting defeat and turning myself in to the police. This will apply to any investigator dumb enough to make those same mistakes. Of course, I will only resort to measures that drastic if my previous crime would warrant a life sentence or the death penalty anyway, but simply tying up the old bint, shoving her in a supply closet, and making a run for it is only what, an extra two to five?
* I will complicate the case as much as possible! As such the first victim will ''always'' be a blind with the real intended victim being someone who I convinced to jokingly claim he knows who did it so that when he dies I won't be a suspect since I was the one who planned the joke and thus wouldn't need to silence him.
* If possible I will be the President of the US (with a body double to provide an alibi while I perform the murder in a mask), a Dog or a Cat. All three could pull off a murder easily!
* When preparing for a heist, I will avoid facelifts. Chances are, [[ConfrontingYourImposter the person I'm imitating]] will be the one to deliver the final blow to my game. In both senses of the term.


[[folder: For The Victim ]]

* If I am a man of wealth and good standing who receives death threats at the start of the story, chances have it my murder is going to be the focus of the plot. Oh well. However, to make things easier for the detective, as soon as I receive such threats I will give all my serving staff an enforced and immediate holiday, so they are not on the grounds when I am murdered in my armchair. Since [[TheButlerDidIt they are everyone's first suspect]], the hero can save a lot of time at the start if he knows that it wasn't any of them.
** And if one of them is my murderer-to-be, it should be a darn sight easier to catch them.
*** I will keep in mind the possibility that the killer has already rigged something in my mansion to kill me without actually needing to be on the grounds, however.
** I will leave not just one, but multiple notes detailing who (I think) my killer will be and why. [[HisNameIs I will make sure to mention his/her name constantly throughout said notes]], as well as reveal any dangerous secrets pertaining to my work, friends, and family. These notes will be written in pen, not pencil--the latter is too easy to erase.
** If I live in the 21st century or a world parallel to it, I will leave the aforementioned notes on several external drives to forbid my killer from destroying all the evidence I have against him/her. I will add no password to those notes, or I will add a password simple enough for people investigating my death to figure it out in a few minutes.
** If I live in 19th century or a world parallel to it, I will leave those notes in two or three baggage lockers on a railway station, and leave keys to them clearly labeled and in a visible place.
* If I am young, innocent, pretty and appearing only in this story, I can be fairly sure I will be kidnapped by the murderer in the climax so that the hero can have his AlwaysSaveTheGirl moment. Bearing that in mind, I will learn how to pick locks, untie ropes without seeing them and open shackles with hairpins. I will always have hairpins. I will also apply for self-defense course and keep a pepper spray on me.
** If I am gagged, attempts to call for help are more likely to annoy the killer than bring anyone friendly, so I will not do it.
** I will take psychology classes so that when captured, I will avoid StockholmSyndrome. Instead, I will try to make the villain succumb to LimaSyndrome.
* If I am a {{Jerkass}}, chances are, I will be a [[JerkassVictim victim]] in this story. I will recognize my jerkassery and attempt to fix it before I am killed by the nicest member of the cast. Even if this doesn't help me, at least people will have more incentive to find out who my killer is, and he'll be easier to find if there are fewer suspects than "everyone who knows me".
* I will ''not'' enter dark alleys, abandoned warehouses or other similarly ominous places without a friend I am absolutely sure is not a killer. Even then, I'll insist they walk ten paces in front while I keep a hand near my gun. Gotta watch out for those damn {{Shocking Swerve}}s, y'know.
* If I intend to hitchhike, I will always look around a car before I enter it. If I see suspicious brown or red stains, or the driver smiling in unsettling way, I will politely decline a ride and move away.
** I will never hitchhike out of sight of other people.
** In fact, I'll just never hitchhike, period. If the shoe's on the other foot, I also won't pick up hitchhikers, either. And if the hitchhiker looks anything like [[Film/TheHitcher Rutger Hauer]], [[CarFu I'll throw the car into third and just run his ass over then and there]].
** If he looks like [[Series/TheHitchhiker Page Fletcher]], though, I just might go for it. Nobody ever picks that poor guy up, and he's one hell of a good raconteur.
* I will wear brightly-colored (preferably luminescent) clothes so that if I'm killed, my body will be easier to find.

[[folder:Reality Shows]]

[[folder: General Rules ]]

* While I won't let on that I have, I will make sure to study as many seasons past as possible. Invariably, one or more patterns will emerge.
* ''Absolutely nothing'' before reason; not [[RevengeBeforeReason revenge]], not [[HonorBeforeReason honor]], and definitely not merit.
* I will not treat it as a springboard to fame; more often than not, it is the quickest way to have the doors bolted shut and the keys thrown away.
* I will never discourage a quitter. One more hurdle cleared.
** Nor will I quit for any reason below a medical emergency. Quitters are ''usually'' frowned upon at a reunion.


[[folder: Series/Survivor ]]

* Due to the tendency of the producers to bring back former contestants for a second chance, I will study the most recent seasons and look for potential returnees.
** I will specifically look at contestants who finished in second place or received a CreatorsPet edit, as they tend to have the highest chance of being brought back. I won't even bother to look at former winners.
*** ''Especially'' if one of those former winners is Sandra Diaz-Twine? Get ready to be destroyed in front of the jury!
** Once I reach the island, I will quickly look at the number of people of each gender. If there are six males and nine females, it's safe to assume that there will be three male returnees.
* If everyone starts on the same beach before being divided into tribes, I will not take the leadership role. This goes double if there are an odd number of people.
* '''I will not assume the tribes are merged until Jeff Probst says that they are.'''
* I will not attempt to create an alliance. Instead, I will wait until someone else asks me to be part of one.
* I will not look for the hidden immunity idol without a clue to its location, unless I absolutely need it.
* If I do end up with the hidden immunity idol in my possession, I will tell everyone that I have it, and that I will give it to my ally, person B. This would cause the other alliance to target my ''other'' ally, person C, as a safeguard against the idol, only for their votes to be negated when I give the idol to person C.
* If I am the last remaining person from my alliance, I will recognize the possibility of me being a swing vote, and play as if I were one.
* I will not attempt to cause a 3-3-3 tie with nine people on my tribe. I'll be voted out 4-3-2 if I try, so I won't even consider it.
* I will not change my vote at the revote after a post-merge tie. I am not John Cochran.
** '''Especially''' if my own tribe has treated me like shit. That gives me leverage to go with whichever side wins the rock draw.
** Which is why the best way to avoid a Cochran Flip is not to make a ButtMonkey out of him. He probably won't be thinking straight when we need him to.
* If I win the first post-merge immunity challenge with the two tribes at equal numbers, I will pretend to flip to the other tribe. I will then give my immunity up to their intended target. One of two things will happen: either the other tribe all votes me, it's a 5-5 tie, and I'm immune to the rock-drawing tiebreaker, or the other tribe doesn't all vote together and one of them goes home 5-4-1.
* The purpose of the game is ''not'' to eliminate the competition. Besides getting to the end, I will need to consider:
** which opponent should face the jury with me (this is of total importance);
** who is actually going to be on the jury (how I treat its members is also critical);
** how to get us ''both'' there without losing the votes I already have. The less dangerous my chosen goat thinks I am, the better my chances of getting to the end and beating him for the big bucks.
* Once we make it to the merge, the village nutjob becomes the perfect goat for the jury. I will not view this player as a "goat threat"; taking out this player in a blindside will effectively force me out into the open and hinder my chances of a rebound. Rather, I will work to protect this player at any and all cost; what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
* Lastly, if my plans fail and I do end up on the jury, I will choose my own criteria for voting. I am on the jury and therefore have no obligation to those standing in my judgement.
** The only rule by which the jury is bound is: "Vote for the player ''you want to win."'' Ignore the last four words of this rule and woe betide you.
** If I am campaigning for a particular finalist to win, I will take my cues by [[Characters/SurvivorSamoa Erik Cardona]] and not [[Characters/SurvivorCagayan Spencer Bledsoe]]. The rest of the jury does not have to put aside anything, either.
* Whatever Russell Hantz did, I will ''not.'' I will attempt to model my game on [[Characters/SurvivorSamoa Natalie White]] instead.
** For tribal relations, I will model my game on the [[Characters/SurvivorPalau Koror]]. Too risky to take the [[Characters/SurvivorCookIslands Aitu]] approach.
** For alliances, I will take (most of) my cues from the [[Characters/SurvivorMicronesia Black Widow Brigade]] rather than the [[Characters/SurvivorVanuatu bowheads]]. And preferably try to win immunity against the one remaining straggler.


[[folder: Series/Americas Next Top Model ]]

* No matter how insignificant it is to the field into which I am trying to break, I am not [[TooGoodForThisSinfulEarth too cool for any task]].
* RageAgainstTheMentor is a great big fat no-no.
* If I were on ''Survivor,'' personality would be of great importance; here, it takes a backseat to something called a high-fashion look (good job, [[Characters/AmericasNextTopModelCycleFifteen Ann]]).


[[folder: Series/The Bachelor ]]
(also applies to its DistaffCounterpart):
# No matter how badly I dread the activity, I will never, ever, ''ever'' raise any sort of a stink on the site of a group date. ''Nothing'' will turn the Bachelor off me faster than being a wet blanket.
** In fact, I will never raise a stink about anything within his earshot. As soon as he gets a whiff of my true colors, I'm as good as dog toast.
# With two dozen or so other broads in the house on the first night, it's far too soon for anything beyond the superficial, let alone an "amazing connection."
** For this very reason, I will get in as early as possible to score my shot at the Bachelor. One, we all want a piece of the guy. Two, it's going to help my chances at getting a rose. And three, you can bet the other girls aren't going to give you a sporting chance, either.
# Teasing or insulting the other girls is for when the guy is on his next date and I'm not. They're not the ones holding the roses.
# Just as shooting is not too good for any enemy of the EvilOverlord, SkinnyDipping is ''not'' too good for the Bachelor. Rest assured, the other girls ''aren't'' above using ''their'' birthday suits as weapons, either.
# If the other girls attempt to rat me out, I will work overtime to smooth things out with him. After all, you want that last rose, right?
# I will tell only little white lies about my background. When the time comes to visit the other girls' locations, he's going to find out stuff.
** Similarly, the Bachelor has his own closet full of skeletons. If you expect him to be [[IncorruptiblePurePureness squeaky-clean]], you're going to be in for a very rude awakening.
# No boozing, ever. If I can grab some water instead, I will. ''In vino veritas.''
# The "free spirit" is just comic relief. She's no threat to my progress.
# I will remain true to my real-world profession after the season. Especially if I am in the legal field, I will never quit my real-world job in the midst of an important case or event just for the sake of something called True Love. One, the track record of previous headliners speaks for itself. Two, the public probably will never associate me with anything else. And three, my job might not be waiting for me when I get back.


[[folder: If I become the Bachelor(ette): ]]

# Patience is a virtue. True love does not happen overnight, or even within the span of a single season. It worked for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.
# Under absolutely zero circumstances will I take a dig at the previous Bachelor(ette) in any promotional material. Not only is it being a poor sport, it's sinking to his / her level. And probably not good PR, either.
# If her real world career is that important to her, I will support my chosen debutante every step of the way, no matter what. There is, however, ''nothing'' wrong with being a model or special correspondent for the sake of her pet causes.
# ''Series/DancingWithTheStars?'' ''Not'' the best way to [[TestingTheLoveInterest test the love interest]], although it ''is'' useful to capitalize on the extremely short shelf life of your time in the public eye.


[[folder: Series/Hells Kitchen ]]

* I will not talk back to Chef Ramsay under ''any'' circumstances. Same goes for the sous chef or maî·tre d.
** Additionally, I will always tell the truth. Even if it gets me thrown off the show, being honest about my shortcomings will go much more smoothly than attempting to lie about my abilities.
* I will recognize that I am attempting to win a position at a fancy restaurant whose reputation hinges on my leadership and management skills, and not just a cash prize or just to be the best. If at any point I doubt my ability to do that, I will defer to a more competent contestant if possible.
* I will make friends and forge relationships, since good teamwork is necessary in the kitchen.
* I will remember I am on television, that every move I make is televised, and my actions affect the perception of restaurants across the country. If I don't win, I will still make an effort to look skilled and competent, and never do anything that makes me look stupid or like an asshole (essentially, don't be Joseph).
* I will pay attention to my cooking at all times, taste and inspect my food to make sure its done right, and if I'm running the pass inspect everything with a fine-toothed comb to find the intentional mistakes the sous chefs throw up.
* I will not interfere with another's cooking under any circumstances unless they're thrown off the station by the chef and need to be replaced. It's not like I'll get in trouble for their mistakes.
* I will stay fully focused on the task at hand, be it the challenge or the service, and not do anything that could be considered a celebratory remark or an attempt at humor until the chef orders the kitchen switched off.
* I will not get drunk, no exceptions.
** If the reward involves wine-tasting, I will either not swallow any wine, request an alternative (if I'm a black jacket) or even just elect to stay with the losers and help out with punishment. It might suck, but I'm also guaranteed to be on my A-game for service that night.
* During punishment, I will shut up and get to work helping the team, no exceptions, no matter how much it sucks.
* I will not use prepackaged ingredients, no exceptions.
* I will go to bed as early as possible, to ensure I'm well-rested when Chef Ramsay sends up the hellishly loud wake-up call the next morning.
* I will stop myself at the first sign of being a bitch, no matter my gender. That will just cause my teammates to bulls-eye me during elimination throughout the season.
** When telling Chef Ramsay who's up for nomination, I will just give the names and reason, no more, no less.
** Also, I will not automatically assume I'm safe just because I'm not up. Even if I'm on that night's winning team.
* I will stay out of any and all drama and just focus on keeping the kitchen running, and communicating to teammates. The drama kings and queens will all get caber-tossed off the show anyway.
* Finally, when picking my team for the final, I will keep in mind the reason each person was eliminated and delegate them to tasks where they will deal the least damage.


[[folder: Other ]]

* I will not utter the phrase "ImNotHereToMakeFriends" as it will ensure I will lose. Just to be safe, I won't even say it while quoting someone else.
** The [[AmericasNextTopModel cycle (19)]], so to speak, was broken.
* If I am on a reality show where the elimination process is decided solely by the shows' writers, I will be the biggest drama-creating JerkAss possible to ensure good ratings. When it looks like my schtick is wearing thin, I'll have a quick change of heart ready to avoid elimination.
** However, if I am on a reality show where elimination is decided by my peers, I will be the blandest, most boring NiceGuy you've ever seen. I will avoid any and all backstabbing and say nothing but nice things about people. This way, at the end of the season when it's me versus the MagnificentBastard, everyone will vote for me just to spite him.
** Finally, if I'm in a reality show where elimination is decided by popular vote, I will try to create some sort of catchphrase or meme so that America latches on to me.
* I will remember that in some cases, TheRunnerUpTakesItAll, therefore I will focus less on winning and more on being marketable.
* If I am on a reality show which has been known to have mental challenges, I will take detailed notes on everything that has happened on the show whenever it's feasible to do so. Chances are there will be an open-notes pop quiz later.
* If I am going on a show with physical challenges, I will learn to swim.
* If I am going on a show where outdoor survival skills may be important, I will find an older edition of the ''Boy Scout Handbook'' and practice all the techniques shown therein for at least six months prior to appearing on the show.
* I will learn how to read a map. It's a good skill to have in general.
* I will make sure to watch previous seasons of the show, so as to recognise any or all of the following: reused challenges; commonly used 'twists' or surprises; what the host or judges like; things that got previous contestants eliminated; skills or tasks I should probably practice before going on; whether I'm actually good enough to be on the show in the first place; mistakes commonly made by other contestants, etc.
* If there is even the smallest chance that I may have to drive a car on the show, I will learn how to operate a manual transmission.
* ''Series/SecretTalentsOfTheStars'': the ultimate research failure. I will devote at least two years to the concept. And I will not have it scheduled in a suicide time slot for anything.
** And if even the casual viewer knows your "secret" talent, [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6GwxcMyxZc it really isn't a secret]]. [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gds5UVy1kUk Right, Mya]]?
* No matter how much I think I'm the favorite to win the challenge/round/entire season/whatever, I will not brag about it until it's over. The guy who brags about their advantage, imagined or real, always ends up screwing themselves over with their hubris and/or complacency. Then the editors inevitably show as much of their bragging as they can possibly fit into the show's time slot, making them look like an even bigger idiot.
* If I ended up getting nominated into ''Series/CanadasWorstDriver'' or any other bad driving show, I will take the driving lessons seriously and attempt to learn further while the show is not taping so that I can graduate early and not ended up making a fool of myself in front of the viewers all over the country.

* I will take any dares suggested to me, ''especially'' if they are of a romantic or sexual nature.
* I will never lie to, rape, or cheat on someone. One relationship at a time.
* If I am a protagonist, I will find the person who gives me the best sex and assume that they're my LoveInterest. Besides, it's likely that the only person the author will allow me to have sex with will be the other protagonist.
* When wooing my lover, cheesy and cliche is the way to go--unless that way would [[ShrinkingViolet embarrass her.]]
** Handcrafted goods or family heirlooms also work very well.
** Throughout the whole novel, I will incorporate as many RomanceTropes as I can.
** In particular, I will try to engineer a CrashIntoHello and BeautifulAllAlong moment--those tropes basically ensure my place as the LoveInterest.
* If I am neither extremely plain nor extremely beautiful, I am probably a side character.
* If a side character, I will learn to recognize protagonists and relentlessly [[ShipperOnDeck ship]] the main couple.
** I will also cultivate a comedic side, ensuring that I will get more lines. Keeping a banana peel on my person is also a good idea in case I ever need to quickly pull off an oh-so-endearing pratfall; if they turn this into a movie, that'll get me in trailer for sure.
** If the above stratagems fail, I will be a caring shoulder for my female BFF to cry on. (Because if I'm in the story at all, she's definitely female--none of the lead male's friends get any screentime.) I will never ever suggest that she's being whiny or insensitive, or that her love for the male protagonist is anything less than ''[=OMGtruewuvforever.=]''
** If the author offers me a PairTheSpares situation, I will take it. It'll ensure that I get a happy ending.
* If I am the lead female's [[ChildhoodFriendRomance supportive best friend who's had a crush on her since childhood]], and she mentions meeting a new, attractive man, [[UnluckyChildhoodFriend I will save myself time]] and give up right now.
* Note that the pratfall advice mentioned above works equally well if I'm the Romantic Lead, male or female. Being such, the only character flaws I'm legally allowed to have are either charmingly mild clumsiness or a charmingly harried workaholic personality, and a quick slip, trip or cranial impact with a low clearance is not only better for cheap giggles but it also frees up more time to pursue my One True Love.
* If I see a girl being assaulted or intimidated, [[RescueRomance I will ALWAYS intervene,]] [[IntimateHealing even if that would get me beaten up.]]
* If the local mythology of the quiet country town I've moved to prominently mentions vampires/werewolves/any supernatural creature, I will assume that AllMythsAreTrue and take appropriate steps to protect myself. I will not ignore the old [[ProperlyParanoid crazy guy's illogical ramblings]] or take long, lonely walks on the beach/forest at night.
** However, I will be willing to acknowledge that the legends may have misrepresented said supernatural creatures, and show friendly interest in their side of the story--while keeping my hand on my gun. You never know when the author might decide to pull a GenreShift...
** On that note, if I left my small hometown years ago because of a dark secret in my past that I never talk about, I'll keep that fact in mind, leave the will and estate business up to the family lawyers, and try my best not to move back there or visit the place for any other reasons. Yes, I'll miss out on passionate romance with the brooding, lantern-jawed hunk with his own dark secrets that I would've inevitably met there, but going by established trends in the genre, there's at least ten dudes exactly like him where I live now anyway.
* I will study the cultural norms and religious leanings of whatever country my book is published in. Then I will play up to said norms to establish my place as the LoveInterest.
** Additionally, if I'm in a {{Hentai}} manga, I should--wait, no. If I'm in a hentai, there's a 95% chance it's PornWithoutPlot and therefore no one will die, and [[EverybodyHasLotsOfSex everyone will be screwing everyone]]. That means there's no way for me to ruin the plot or fall into CharacterDerailment (and if CharacterDerailment is ''already'' in play for everyone, I have nothing to worry about), so there's no need to be GenreSavvy. (Less explicit works still have a chance of undergoing CerebusSyndrome later on, though.) I will, however, remember to pack some Astroglide and a wooden stick to bite down on; even if no plot ever gets introduced, it doesn't guarantee that I'll know ahead of time exactly what kind of objects, appendages or entities will be going into which of my bodily orifices.
* I will not be the [[TheLibby catty, bitchy girl who constantly throws herself at the male protagonist]]. That never turns out well, and is usually punished by the author.
* I will be open to trying any fetishes that come up in the story, but I will be strictly SafeSaneAndConsensual. People who aren't the latter have a way [[FaceHeelTurn of becoming villains]].
* I will not take drugs or be an alcoholic: if I do, I will try to kick the habit quickly. Smoking may be attractive or disgusting, depending on the image I'm trying to cultivate, but if the LoveInterest asks me to quit, I will.
* I will take the words of matchmakers and fortune-tellers as gospel truth.
* I will explain to my LoveInterest the nature of any close female relationships I have (ex-wife, sister, coworker...) early in the story. This will prevent any [[NotWhatItLooksLike misunderstandings]] later on.
* If I find myself attracted to a brooding, darkly handsome rebel that all my friends tell me is bad news, I will assume that I'm the exception to his love of solitude, and that [[ICanChangeMyBeloved I can change him]]. Seriously, this has a high rate of success in romance novels.
* I will realise that being a [[LightFeminineAndDarkFeminine 'light feminine']], if I am one, does not have to equal 'generic, boring GirlNextDoor.'
* If a handsome stranger tells me that he's some kind of supernatural creature and that I am his destined mate, I will believe him.
* If my LoveInterest breaks into my house to watch me sleep, I will not freak out and/or press charges, but instead take it as a grand romantic gesture and fall deeper in love with him.
** If I ''am'' the LoveInterest, I will not allow any moral aversion or fear of legal consequences prevent me from doing so. It's only considered stalking in fiction if an ugly person does it, and if I'm the romantic lead, that won't be an issue.
* If I possess some rare, exotic trait (like wings, oddly-colored hair, or demonic ancestry), I will make certain to [[AllOfTheOtherReindeer angst]] about it to my LoveInterest, thus invoking a [[ButYourWingsAreBeautiful tearful, ego-building comfort scene]] and speeding up the plot.

[[folder:Science Fiction]]

[[folder: General ]]

* My means of tracking people on my starship or space station will not rely on badges, wristbands, communicators, or any other device that can be jammed or removed.
* The same will extend to implants, cybernetics, or body parts that can be cut off or mutilated to avoid being tracked.
* If my plan is to kill somebody by having them ThrownOutTheAirlock, I will not stand there gloating and laughing at his [[TooDumbToLive stupidity]] long enough for his TrueCompanions to come around the corner behind me and shoot me in the back. I will seal him in and hit the button to blow the outer hatch immediately, then start running like hell.
** The writer might throw a curveball and [[RealityEnsues have the airlock slowly depressurize like they do in real life]] to give the good guys time to save their friend. I'll toss a primed frag grenade or ten into the airlock with the victim before sealing him in, just to be sure.
* I will have a layer of lead added to the ship's hull and corridor bulkheads, and then have the hull's interior further modified to turn the inside of the ship into a Faraday cage. Enemy ships we run across should ''not'' be able to scan the inside of my ship and know exactly where all our people, cargo, supplies, and critical systems are located.
* If I'm a doctor, scientist or military researcher and think one of my colleagues might be unhinged based on the absurdity or inherent danger of his proposals, I'll make a point of ''not'' telling him that to his face, encourage my other associates to do the same, and send anonymous tips to both our benefactors and to the proper investigative authorities. [[TheyCalledMeMad Mockery and dismissal of these guys has a way of coming back to bite you hard in the ass]]. Note that if I'm in a horror story, this advice is equally sound.
* Even if the cultural standards are against it, I will be the [[MoralityChain best friend and confident]] of the token RidiculouslyHumanRobot, SpaceshipGirl, {{Hologram}}, or ArtificialHuman.
** If this character develops a crush on me, I will handle the relationship carefully and borrow the LoveInterest rules up in the Protagonists and Heroes section.
* One of the most dangerous things anyone can assume in space is "they have no defenses". Nobody on the bridge of any vessel under my command will be allowed to [[TemptingFate give voice to that assumption]] at any time, about anything, ''ever.''


[[folder: Star Trek ]]

* The obvious one: I will be a main character and not a RedShirt. If I am some low-ranking officer, I will try to get a job in which I interact with the main characters on a regular basis, such as being the guy who operates the transporter or being that nurse who is always helping the Chief Medical Officer. However, I will not have a big role in my debut episode as that is more likely to set me up as a SacrificialLion.
* During starship dogfights, I will stay away from the [[ExplosiveInstrumentation instrument panels]]. I will also install seat belts into my chair.
* I will obey TheCaptain over all higher-ranking Starfleet officers. The latter will always turn out to be yet another InsaneAdmiral.
* I will do lots of research on the late twentieth and early twenty-first centuries. I'll end up time-traveling back then sooner or later and I don't want to [[FishOutOfTemporalWater look like an idiot]] when I get there.
** I will buy lots of historical atlases as well.
** If I must send an away team to 21st-century Earth, I will make sure that I send an away team of all humans. The 21st-century human we get to help us WILL notice my Vulcan friend isn't human and WILL turn belligerent on us at a critical moment.
* Whenever using the holodeck, I will bring a phaser with me in case the safety protocols malfunction [[OhNoNotAgain again]]. If all the main characters are having some kind of holodeck adventure together, I will just stay away.
** Better yet, I just won't use the holodeck ever. If I'm bored I'll ask someone over to play chess or something.
** If all the main characters go on a holodeck adventure together, I will take the initiative to get somebody from engineering to camp out in the Jeffries tubes with an axe, next to the power conduit running to the holodeck. In the meantime, I will set up camp outside the holodeck door with security personnel, medical personnel, plenty of breaching charges, and a cutting torch. We can repair the ship once the crisis is over.
*** If anything, the above plan may earn me recommendations from the captain and bridge crew, further helping my chances of getting promoted and being assigned to my own ship. Where I can have my engineering crew find and squash all those little bugs and glitches BEFORE they end up threatening my life.
* If I'm the captain of a ship, I won't hang around Earth when there are no other starships there, especially not if my ship is called "the ''Enterprise''".
** On the other hand, I will avoid any duty involving a flotilla, squadron, etc. consisting of multiple ships. [[TheWorfEffect They tend to get wiped out in the first act to show how powerful]] the NegativeSpaceWedgie is.
* If a lot of weird things (more than usual) happen on the ship/station/planet/whatever that I am currently on, especially if on a weekly basis, I will immediately conclude that this area is the setting of the series. I will request a transfer immediately, to avoid the danger. The longer that I am there, the higher the risk of my death.
** If, after the transfer, I still encounter strange events, then I will conclude that I am a main character that the plot can't stay away from. At that point, nothing can kill me, so I am free to do as I wish.
*** Unless the actor portraying me quits the show. In which case, I should have some plan to transfer my consciousness to another physical form, similarly to how the Doctor does it in ''Series/DoctorWho''. If I am a joined Trill, or a Vulcan with a katra, this is easy. Otherwise, I will create a robot or a hologram or something to continue to exist as me after the actor quits. However, I shall never show what this new form looks like to anyone, in order to allow for flexible casting choices. Also note that the above is only likely to happen at the end of each year, when there always seems to be a bigger-than-usual problem for no reason, at the same time every year.
* If a character tells me that the timeline has been altered, I will instantly believe them.
** If multiple main characters die, I will assume that the timeline has been altered, or else it needs to be altered.
* I will keep a log of all important events using pen and paper. Computer data can easily be deleted or lost.
** Similarly, I will back up all of my computer files often.
* If I am the Captain, I will, during all First Contact missions, whatever the circumstances, order my tactical weapons officer to keep a weapons lock on the other ship. I will need it more often than not.
** On a similar note, I will have transporters and internal sensors locked on ambassadors and envoys coming aboard my ship at all times.
** As their presence on my ship should be purely diplomatic, all weapons and equipment will be checked in and confiscated during their visit. Sensors will be calibrated to scan for anything that does not match that species' normal physiology, and the transporter room door will remain locked and sealed with a forcefield until every discrepancy has been accounted for. I'll not have my ship crippled by somebody smuggling in an explosive thumbnail.
** Once we're past the transporter room checkpoint, they will be restricted from doing anything more technical than order a plate of food from the mess hall replicators without a security escort (the ones in the guest quarters will be kept offline for "maintenance").
** If one of them breaks away from the group and starts trying to pull panels and bulkheads to tamper with ship's systems, he will find those panels and bulkheads to be bolted shut and sealed with forcefields and blast-resistant alloys...right before he is automatically transported to the brig, and any tools and equipment he was using are confiscated by security.
* If the Captain ever asks me how long it would take to get something done, I will always respond by telling him/her a time limit that is far more than is actually necessary. I can expect him/her to ask me to do the job in less than half the time that I give him/her.
* If I ever visit the MirrorUniverse, then my primary goal is to get home alive. No matter what moral dilemmas I have to deal with. If I can easily impersonate someone with a position of power (likely to be my counterpart), then I will kill those who are directly below me. If not, I will kill the person in charge.
* If someone tells me that something is possessing my mind and changing the way that I think, I will believe them. Assuming I haven't been altered enough to forget this.
* If I am not human, I will do everything within my power to make sure that my species allies themselves with humans, befriends them, and stays on good terms with them. If this is impossible, then I will assume that we are the "bad guys" and I will immediately pull a HeelFaceTurn and defect to the humans. They seem to always win in the long run.
* I will make sure that at any given time, there is at least one transporter that works. We will need it to beam a crew member back from a situation that they got stuck in. Or, occasionally, to beam a dangerous substance off of the ship.
* I will listen to my doctor's advice. Always.
* If I insist on playing the role of an antagonist, and I am given a chance to kidnap or severely injure a member of a Starfleet ship, I will NOT target someone who works on the bridge, the chief engineer, or the chief medical officer. They will be able to get out of it. Target someone else.
** If, however, I am given the opportunity to kill one of them, I WILL target one of the aforementioned people, to show that I pose a threat. Killing a RedShirt just makes the main character retaliate.
* If an alien culture has a gimmick that I dislike, I will ignore it and not call them out on it, no matter how strange or morally wrong it may seem to me.
** Unless I am asked to participate, in which case I will ask my doctor whether or not it is safe. And I will follow his advice.
* If I encounter a pre-warp civilization, and somehow end up stuck on the planet, I can ignore the [[AlienNonInterferenceClause Prime Directive]] and tell people who I am. I would break it eventually anyways, so I may as well get it out there.
** Considering how the Prime Directive only applies to Starfleet I would make sure I become a ship's captain without joining Starfleet so that I can interfere with other planets to my heart's content. I would also point out to Picard and Worf that only Starfleet members are bound to the Prime Directive and ask them to attain confirmation from Data and once they have they would be duty bound to abandon the planet I'm interfering with leaving me to my own devices.
*** Criminals trying to RulesLawyer diplomatic immunity using the Prime Directive is a MAJOR BerserkButton for Starfleet, and Starfleet officers (even non-captains) are encouraged by Starfleet Command to [[ScrewTheRulesImDoingWhatsRight bend or outright ignore Starfleet regulations to make you stop what you're doing, even if it means attacking and/or killing you.]] If the Federation take any disciplinary action at all, it'll seldom be more than a slap on the wrist. With that in mind, I will form an illicit trade business instead and sell salvage from the wreckage of other independent captains' ships after the Federation ship they tried to parlay with warps off with the witless toad in its brig for trying this plan. The Federation likes granting neutrals with illicit trades favors and witness protection in exchange for being an occasional snitch.
* When preparing for an away mission, the first thing to do is to get a lifeform, even something as simple as a single-cell organism, and then beam it down and back up again, to make sure that there's nothing wrong with how the transporter would function with organic life in this environment. If it doesn't work, and we decide to use a shuttlecraft instead, I will refuse to go on the mission. Something WILL go wrong.
** In fact, it's probably best to avoid away missions anyways.
* I will invent code words for my senior staff to use whenever we have reason to believe that we are being monitored.
* I will not trust people with secrets. Even if they wouldn't say anything to anyone, that information may still be taken from their brain against their will.
* If someone is acting suspicious, they are likely to be TheMole, especially if they are a close friend of mine.
* I will routinely say "Computer, end program." to make sure that I am not in a holodeck and being deceived. Especially just before telling someone confidential information. It will also be the first thing I say in the morning upon waking.
* If the adventures of my crew stop, and then start up again years later, with the same exact people, then I will conclude that we are making TheMovie of the series now. In such an event, I will keep track of how many adventures we've had. [[StarTrekMovieCurse If it's an odd number, I will expect nothing to make sense]]. This is normal and is not a reason to panic.
* The weapons lockers on my ship will be stocked with kinetic weapons in addition to phasers. Most boarding parties we encounter will not expect my RedShirts to come packing [=AKs=] and 12-gauges. Anyone who complains about kinetic weapons being "barbaric" will be required to submit a dissertation to me cataloging the number of times a Starfleet crew's been massacred because of their over-reliance on phasers for defense against hostile forces with phaser-proof personal DeflectorShields.
** Speaking of those RedShirts, my ship's security detail will be a combination of flesh-and-blood officers and holographic personnel. The flesh-and-blood RedShirts will be issued combat armor and personal shields, and trained in a variety of self-preservation combat techniques such as evasion and use of cover. The holographic RedShirts will be a mixture of holograms projected by the ship's emitters and holograms on mobile emitters with built-in shields and frequency jammers. And yes, the point below about artificial lifeforms will apply to them as well.
** I will also remember that certain features on my ship, such as forcefields and environmental controls, can in fact be used against intruders inside the corridors of my ship. Thus, I will weaponize those functions if my ship is ever boarded; instead of sending a RedShirt team to deal with the intruders, I will simply use ship's holoemitters to send holographic, high-velocity bullet trains through the corridors. Or replace the directional decals on the bulkheads so that the bad guys end up walking into a cargo bay filled with armored security escorts with riot shields and shotguns instead of the ship's bridge.
** I will give everyone who come aboard my ship a complementary gas mask. They will be instructed to put on the gas mask the moment we go to Red Alert, and not to remove them until I give the all-clear. This is a precautionary measure; if we get boarded, and the transporters go offline, any parts of the ship with intruders in it are getting gassed.
*** If at all possible, I will have all crew member's uniforms be comfortable space suits, with about an hour worth of air in them, with which the crew will be instucted to grab and wear nearby helmets during red alerts until the all clear. This way I can not only make use of the aforementioned gassing tactic, I will be able to teleport or otherwise pick up crew that thrown into space, ensuring that casualties due to hull breaches are kept to a bare minimum. I will also have a self destruct of some kind built into each uniform that the crewman can activate with a push of a button, to prevent capture by the enemy.
* I will not take my ship alone into enemy territory. If I can't get a solid fleet to accompany me, I will ask for reassignment.
** I will not set my flight path to pass through any dense gas clouds or nebulae while in enemy territory.
** If the admiral contacting me with the assignment is Kathryn Janeway, I will ''demand'' fleet support or reassignment, or else resign my Starfleet commission altogether. She has a reputation for giving orders and assignments that end very, very badly for the people that follow them. Case and point: [[Film/StarTrekNemesis Jean-Luc Picard's "purely diplomatic assignment" to Romulus.]]
* I will not confine high-threat individuals in my ship's brig. They always get back out one way or another, and usually proceed to be an even greater threat to the ship and its crew. Instead, I will have them beamed into one of the ship's escape pods. And then I will launch the pod. And then I will lock weapons and shoot the pod.
* I will have artificial life forms fitted with kill switches and failsafes against foreign transmissions specifically targeting them. If the ship's computer detects those transmissions, it will be programmed to beam the affected android(/hologram, assuming it's on a mobile emitter) off the ship IMMEDIATELY. They can survive being in space long enough for my Chief Engineer to figure out what happened to them and whether it's safe to beam them back and turn them back on.
* I shall identify, befriend, and exploit the CreatorsPet for his PlotArmor and other CanonSue qualities no matter how annoying and TooDumbToLive he is. (In fact, his repeatedly surviving in spite of being TooDumbToLive is one way of identifying him.) This is the guy I want standing in front of me on a planet whenever the phasers and disruptors are blazing. However, I will studiously avoid being on any team assignment with him that involves exploring any as-yet unknown phenomenon or civilization, as his bumbling is sure to get his teammates killed.
* In the event that I am a RedShirt and my duties absolutely require being on away missions, I shall always insist on working solely with the highest-ranking Vulcan officer on the ship, or the nearest equivalent. Say what TheMcCoy will about his personality, TheSpock has a much better track record for bringing underlings back from dangerous away missions alive and (mostly) intact.
* If I find myself in an encounter [[ToBeLawfulOrGood in which being morally good conflicts with following Starfleet regulations,]] I will identify the option that's only there as an excuse for the [[WriterOnBoard 21st-Century clod writing the episode to shoehorn in hack social commentary]] and ignore it instead of [[IdiotPlot spend the entire episode agonizing over which option to choose.]] Being competent and decisive is a great way to become an EnsembleDarkhorse with PlotArmor in this universe, so if I'm wrong, I'll get the opportunity to do something awesome later to make up for it.
* If I'm a changeling officer, I will wear real boots instead of shape-shifting my feet. There will come a time when I will need to regenerate, but won't have access to my bucket. The boots will be my backup.

[[folder:Situational Comedy]]
* If I am unmarried and not part of a set of TrueCompanions, I will join one ASAP. Preferably one where everyone has a very distinct personality.
* I will never utter the words "Can't you see I'm busy?" to relatives or loved ones. Chances are that what they have to say is far more important.
* Family always has higher priority over work, even if it means I have to miss a chance for promotion.
* If I am a member of an [[AcceptableTargets Acceptable Target]], I will act as unstereotypical as possible.
* If I have children, I will familiarize myself with the latest video games. Nothing says uncool like a parent who only knows how to play [[PacManFever Pac-Man]].
* When I'm in an embarrassing (but not illegal) situation, I will tell the honest truth instead of [[SnowballLie covering it up]].
* I will learn how to treat the DropInCharacter as a close friend. Yelling at him will never convince him to go away.
** Unless it's once in a blue moon, I will not be a DropInCharacter. That's the fast track to either getting thrown out ([[Series/TheFreshPrinceOfBelAir perhaps literally]]) or getting a rap sheet. And probably both.
** Alternatively, if a DropInCharacter is just ''that'' annoying and intrusive, I'll mosey on down to the hardware store, look for one of those crazy "lock" contraptions I keep hearing about, and maybe consider installing one on my front door. Yes, even if there is already one installed on it; the DropInCharacter may have acquired a key to it at some point offscreen.
* If a close friend is a MadScientist, I will not be anywhere near him when he performs his experiments, no matter how well-intentioned.
* When I am about to tell a friend/lover/relative something important, I will not allow said person to make a statement of their own first. Chances are that said statement is some {{glurge}}-ey emotional speech that will guilt me out of saying what I was about to say.

[[folder:Time Travel]]
* I will recognize the fact that using time travel to solve my problem can be [[TimeyWimeyBall difficult and confusing]] and it is tend to cause more problems and worsen the situation, that is, assuming that [[YouAlreadyChangedThePast I actually can change anything at all]]. This means that before resorting into using time traveling to solve the problem, I will consider all my other options carefully, since sometimes they can also solve the problem without all the mess time traveling may cause.
** However, if I'm fighting a villain that uses time traveling, then it is likely that using time travel to defeat him is my only option.
** Similarly, if the problem I'm trying to solve is ''caused'' by unexplained and/or involuntary time traveling, then the only thing I can do is probably using time travel to SetRightWhatOnceWentWrong.
** Generally, I will evaluate the situation and to expect and prepare accordingly. For example, if I'm trying to stop a [[ApocalypseHow cataclysm]], I should have a pretty high chance to succeed on the first try. if I'm trying to revert a smaller accident, say, a car crash, it would be harder but I'd still have a fair chance. Trying to save my LoveInterest is usually substantially more difficult, especially if I'm trying to save him/her from a cataclysm or car crash, but it is still possible. Trying to stop a war, however, is downright impossible and I will not even bother to try.
* If I happen to be stranded in another time and need to know when I am, I will not ask people WhatYearIsThis, as this will either make me look crazy or draw unwanted attention to me. Instead, I will use a newspaper. If there are no newspapers and I know I'm in the future, there will hopefully be replacements of some kind. If I happen to be in the past, I do at least know that the latest date I am at is the year 1605.
** If I must ask, I will try to sound annoyed and comment on how I did this because of a lost bet or the like after getting my answer.
* I will do my homework and find out (if possible) how to dress in my destination time and dress accordingly. For example clothes that are completely normal can make a woman be mistaken for a prostitute 100 or more years ago.
** I will not dress as nobility, unless I really want to pretend to be a member, as nobles tend to have limited freedom of movement and draw unwanted attention. In addition it is pretty often forbidden to pretend to belong to the nobility if you are a 'normal' person.
* I will keep my electronic devices hidden, placing more effort on such an endeavor the further back in time I go so as to avoid dying in a BurnTheWitch incident.
** I will ''never'' leave devices from the future behind, no matter how broken. They will be reverse-engineered. I will have altered the past.
** If possible, I will avoid bringing them with me to begin with.
* I will be very aware of ValuesDissonance. As mentioned before, I will investigate my destination before leaving if possible and avoid standing out. Better not try to rise a slave revolt in ancient Rome or try to install a democracy in medieval Germany, it will just lead to more trouble then I want and most likely kill me.
* I will refrain from altering the outcome of historic events. If, for example, I'm in 1893 in the small town of Braunau am Inn in Austria-Hungary and happen to run in a 4 years old boy with the name AdolfHitler, I will leave him alone. In the best case [[HitlersTimeTravelExemptionAct he will be protected by time itself and strange things happen if you try to kill him]] and in the worst case, if you do succeed, you will travel back to your present and find out that the Holocaust and World War II never happened but made place for something far worse and now you wish Nazi Germany was ''back in place''. In addition there are the moral implications to consider, even if you ignore the before mentioned problems. In 1893 Adolf Hitler is an innocent child who didn't hurt anybody (yet). killing him would make you a child murderer and besides, someone can't be punished for committing crimes which didn't happen (yet).
** If I'm back in time and seriously intent on killing a young Hitler, then I'm already over the moral hangups of killing a child, no matter how innocent. On top of that, if I'm that ruthless, then odds are good I've also figured out a way to do the deed without being remembered in the history books (clauses like "killed by an unknown assailant" and "dead by unknown causes" come in very handy for would-be time assassins).
** There is, however, the problem of causing multiple time paradoxes. No Hitler, no World War II, the Great Depression continues. Great leaders never rise, international organizations never form, and international trade agreements never come to be. The time machine I used might not be invented or available to my new present self. If it is, then my new present self won't see any need to go back in time to kill Hitler, because Hitler died as a child before he could do anything. If he ''does'' go back even ''then'', there's the chance that he'll run into my current present self on ''his'' way to off Hitler from ''my'' timeline and open a [[NeverTheSelvesShallMeet open up a different can of worms]].
** Finally, the [[AddedAlliterativeAppeal preceding pileup of paradoxical probabilities]] will set off alarms with the TimePolice or any time-traveling heroes, at least one of whom will be waiting at my destination to stop me. And they will be in any other place I try to travel to with the intention of altering major historical events.
* I will always assume that I don't have RippleEffectProofMemory, which means that I will take [[NoteToSelf detailed notes]] on all of my time travelling experiences, including what originally happened and what I have changed. At the very least, my tale will not become TheGreatestStoryNeverTold.

* I will avoid the following known catalysts for bizarre transformations and/or magical powers if I want to stay a normal human:
** Crossdressing. It may become permanent. Not that the costume will be unremovable, but it will turn you into a girl.
*** On a similar note, don't go in the other gender's bathroom.
** [[ClingyCostume Weird blobs of latex]].
** Strange chemicals and substances. Specifically, do not ingest, sniff, or otherwise use as recreational drug.
*** I will never drink anything glowing faintly green, fizzling, randomly hidden in a strange lab's fridge, or that that [[{{Jerkass}} friend of mine]] gives to me while smirking.
*** I will never inject myself with anything with a DNA symbol, the letters DNA on it, the MegaCorp label, or anything that vaguely hints at the word [[AppliedPhlebotinum Phlebotinum]] or MacGuffin.
*** I won't even go near them to be [[FailureIsTheOnlyOption accidentally poked]]. Any needles or syringes shall be viewed as safely away as possible--preferably through a telescope. Just to be on the safe side, glass containers should be expected to be shattered by any mishap around them.
** Strange gems.
*** [[Webcomic/ElGoonishShive Especially unusually large ones]].
** I will never handle any magical artifacts with animal motifs without gloves. Or better yet, tongs.
*** Having my [[GenkiGirl spunky]] and[=/=]or [[TheChewToy sarcastic]] female sidekick handle them might work, though.
** Strange costumes.
** [[Webcomic/ElGoonishShive TF guns]].
** Misogyny around women. Not so much a physical catalyst, but a karmic one known to cause [[GenderBender genderbending]]. There's an entry on it below.
*** If you are male, don't make any reference to 'melons'. Even if you ''are'' at a produce market.
** Don't think being a woman protects you from karmic genderbending either. It's not nearly as popular, but supernatural karma vigilantes are ''vicious'' and have an incredibly sick sense of humor. Depending on the story and the views of the author, exploiting your femininity to manipulate people or [[DoubleStandardAbuseFemaleOnMale simply get away with doing horrible things to people of the opposite gender]] is an extremely good way to get yourself turned into a man.
** Any locations with the word "Wolf" in any language in the name. There be [[OurWerewolvesAreDifferent werewolves]]. In any other medium there will be either werewolves or dangerously competent local warlords, if at all possible--so, not worth sightseeing either way. Locations with names referencing silver, full moons, and/or signature aspects of a werewolf's behavior and/or anatomy will likewise be avoided.
** TheLittleShopThatWasntThereYesterday. Actually, this applies to any medium. Aside from not entering, don't buy stuff there. It's nonrefundable and may come with... added difficulties.
** A family member's lab, if they are a geneticist of some kind. If unavoidable, follow said relative at all time and do not touch anything if not wearing thick gloves.
** Getting out of the car and acting even ''potentially'' trigger happy in a forest with any wildlife more imposing than squirrels is asking for me to become some friendly woodland creature.
** If I am a burglar, using the term 'cat burglar' is plain TemptingFate.
** Wearing any type of collar, even as a fashion statement.
** Opening mail packages if I don't know who it's from or what it contains. Even if it seems harmless, ''put it down anyway''.
** If someone asks me do to summer work on their farm, I will make it clear in advance that I'm not being the horse. This may not stop them, but at least I made my wishes apparent.
** Any products with an animal motif, any at all.
** ''Don't go to university''. It all goes down there.
*** I'm aware that you may be into some of this stuff and want it to happen to you, but that just increases the possibility of an incoming [[TheMindIsAPlaythingOfTheBody partial to total mindwipe]], inability to enjoy your old life anymore or that you may be in a GenreDeconstruction. The risks sort of outweigh the benefits.
** If I must take a work experience class, internship, or other work-related requirement to fulfill my education credential, I will opt for a BoringButPractical option such as business accounting, retail or politics and avoid anything even remotely having to do with biological or medical science (even just being a forest intern), ''especially'' [[VisualNovel/GenderBenderDNATwisterExtreme if it involves pharmaceuticals and/or genetics to any degree]].
** Any "custom" electronics with unusual color schemes, or have names that should be a tip-off like "[[BlandNameProduct Man Box]]".
*** I will especially avoid breaking them, even chipping part of it, since whatever I break will be the specific part capable of causing others to transform. I will also avoid prototypes of said products, or "rare" electronics.
* If I am a guy, I must remember that MandysLawOfAnimeGenderBending is pointing directly at my manhood like a howitzer at ''all times''. Thus, I have to get proactive with one of these options:
** The best option is to find a friend and become ThoseTwoGuys. This isn't an 100% effective strategy, but it does make it far more likely that any "incidents" will be temporary. Otherwise, our value as a GreekChorus would be ruined.
** I will avoid anything that will get [[YaoiFangirl certain elements of the fanbase]] {{Shipping}} us. Having a runaway love affair with your best ''male'' bud is awkward at best, even if one of you is currently sporting a pair of C-cups.
** If I'm already too important to pull that off, I will have to bite the bullet and try to arrange becoming a [[Webcomic/ElGoonishShive part time woman]], to avoid ending up as a ''full'' time woman. Alternately, I can get myself an OppositeSexClone. Though that's not a guarantee either...
** If I think I can pull it off I'll try to become the guy all those girls are in love with and [[UnwantedHarem act completely surprised]].
** [[YouCantFightFate Alternatively]], I will just bite the bullet and [[ManIFeelLikeAWoman take it like a man]].
** If I absolutely cannot abide being even a part-time woman (or that option is simply not available), I will follow the lead of transgender men from the mundane world and invest in binders, a packer, and testosterone supplements. I will ''not'' tell the endocrinologist that I was turned into a girl by magical forces from outside of space and time for the purposes of audience titillation--that'll only baffle them. Instead, I'll just say "I always knew I was a man". If, even after all this, the magical forces insist on transforming me back again, I'll flip them the bird and find myself a transformation device that lets me shed my physical form entirely, because seriously, [[YankTheDogsChain this is just pointlessly cruel]].
** If I and/or a large number of my friends seem more comfortable in genderbent forms than in our birth-assigned genders, but nobody ever uses words like "transgender" or "genderfluid", I will consider the possibility that my author doesn't know that these are actual things. Accordingly, I will try (within my usual sensibilities) to attract enough of an LGBTFanbase that my author might get an email or two politely explaining the concepts, which will hopefully leak into our lives and make them a little more sensible.
*** Although they might be: trying to keep the work SFW, keep it at a lower rating, trying to avoid having confused children look it up, or they might just not want to get that deep into such things
* If I have a name that can be easily turned into a female name (Chris -> Christina, Nick -> Nikki, Tony -> Toni, etc) I will not act too surprised when I just happen to be the random person that gets gender-swapped. Names that are hard to feminize (Bob, Steve, David, etc) rarely get their owners zapped. (Aka The [[WhateleyUniverse Whateley]] Rule of TG Protagonist Names.)
** Likewise, if I have a name or nickname mentioning an animal, I will not be surprised if random DNA of that particular animal ends up in my bloodstream.
** Ditto if I notice the mysterious new transfer student with a moon or animal based name or family name appears at the same time people start seeing monsters around town. One would think a family of werewolves would be more discreet than name their daughter Luna, but, there ya are.
* I will ''not'' piss off any young girls or old women with magic wands. [[TheWotch Especially if they have red hair.]] However, If I'm feeling [[WeirdnessMagnet adventurous]], befriending them is an option.
* If I'm a guy and offered magical powers, I shall make sure [[Webcomic/SparklingGenerationValkyrieYuuki they're not talking about]] [[MagicalGirl magical]] ''[[MagicalGirl girl]]'' [[MagicalGirl powers]]. (Unless I am willing to [[ManIFeelLikeAWoman accept the transformation]].)
** Given the difficulties your average hero faces in regards to his secret identity, my powers being linked to a total appearance change could be a boon to my heroics!
* I will remember that gender equality has made great advances in recent decades. Becoming a girl ''does not'' mean I have to go look for a frilly pink dress. In all likelihood, I can just keep going like nothing's changed.
* If I happen to see a [[MadScientist freak in a lab coat]], I will make sure to have as many witnesses around me as possible, and/or deck him the second an opportunity presents itself. The beatings shall continue until good intentions are confirmed.
* If I happen to see a half-human creature, I will stop and think:
** Is it a [[CuteMonsterGirl a cute, vaguely human girl]]? Or maybe [[PettingZooPeople a girl with what looks like costume ears glued on]]? I will congratulate myself and introduce myself politely and properly--I just met my new co-star and love interest.
*** Wait, but first--[[MagicPants Is she somehow dressed?]] [[NakedFirstImpression If not]], [[AccidentalPervert perhaps it's time to do some stargazing.]] Unless [[InnocentFanserviceGirl she doesn't seem to care]], then I shall still look up--to thank my [[AuthorAppeal lucky stars.]]
** Is it [[HalfHumanHybrid a pissed off looking animal-man]]? '''Run.'''
*** I should probably [[YouCantFightFate expect to be bitten or scratched before I get away]], though.
*** Or, [[ScrewDestiny in the case the above happens]], [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere suicide is much more preferable]] to the painful transformation kicking in.
* If my best friend acts suspiciously and werefolk exist on this world, I will hold any unfair prejudices against my friend--he or she could have turned against me long ago.
* If ever any animal--even a bug--bites me, I will get it properly checked out by someone who knows what they are doing. I won't just shrug it off thinking that if I ignore it that it will go away.
* If I am looking for employment, stay away from genetic research facilities, zoos, or any place that works with animals. If I have no choice in the matter, I will keep my back to the wall, keep a sharp eye on everyone around me, and for god's sake, don't eat or drink anything offered to me.
* If I am a transgender person I will remember that not every transformation results in a GenderBender and thus provoking any beings who can force me to transform is still a bad idea.
** If I get transformed and it is indeed a GenderBender transformation, I will make it a point to politely thank whoever changed me and even more politely ask them if this can be made permanent.

* See JustForFun/HowToSurviveAWarMovie.

* If I know [[BreakingTheFourthWall there's an audience]], I will ''try'' to get my friends up to speed, else they [[AudienceWhatAudience think I'm crazy.]] If all else fails, I can disguise my knowledge of the audience as clever [[LeaningOnTheFourthWall double meanings]] that hopefully won't lose me friends.
** [[{{ComicBook/Deadpool}} Unless Crazy's a part of my character. Then I'm solid.]]
*** [[ComicBook/SquirrelGirl Or being Meta in general.]]
* If I'm the designated MetaGuy, ''I should be funny.'' There's nothing more [[TheScrappy grating]] to the audience than a guy who just makes fourth-wall jokes with the punchline being "See? I know you're there!"
** Alternatively, If I know that this is a work of fiction, [[ReadingAheadInTheScript start reading that plot.]] It will be better for both me and my colleagues.
* If I'm gonna be savvy in one genre, I may as well [[CrazyPrepared be savvy in them all.]] You never know; these types of stories have a penchant for being [[GenreBuster more]] than one genre.
* If my friends try to point out that ThisIsReality, I'll calmly and carefully (or [[BrutalHonesty maybe not]], depending on who I'm talking to) point out [[ArbitrarySkepticism a couple of things about the world that they seem to have forgotten about when making that statement]].

!!By Medium

* [[http://www.issendai.com/silliness/animecharacter.htm For general heroes]].
** [[http://www.issendai.com/silliness/dragonballcharacter.htm For the heroes]] of DragonBall.
* [[http://www.issendai.com/silliness/animevillain.htm For general villains]].
** [[http://www.issendai.com/silliness/dragonballvillain.htm For the villains]] of DragonBall.
* [[http://www.issendai.com/silliness/animemagical.htm Tips for]] a MagicalGirl.
** [[http://www.angelfire.com/anime/Slacker/girl.txt Some more tips]].
** A few gems that closed that one up and would let any magical girl take a level in badass:
*** 82. [[ConfusionFu I will do the unexpected]].
*** 83. If the unexpected doesn't work, [[BeyondTheImpossible I'll attempt the impossible]].
*** 84. I will [[NeverTellMeTheOdds pay no attention to odds]].
*** 85. When in doubt, [[JustShootHim kill it]].
* If I have ''any kind'' of TransformationSequence, be it MagicalGirl, SuperSentai, or some other form of HenshinHero; CombiningMecha, putting on PoweredArmor, or activation some other large-scale device; or [[Franchise/{{Digimon}} digivolving]]; and it is anything less than instantaneous, I will ''absolutely'' make certain I have some sort of protection while it plays out. Nothing's more embarrassing than getting blasted by a opponent before you're ready. Alternatively, I'll transform ''before'' I confront them.
* If my powers rely on {{Activation Phrase}}s and {{Magical Incantation}}s, I will keep them as short as possible, with one or two words being the absolute max. Better yet, I will find ways to use my powers without needing to speak at all; nothing is more humiliating than having your entire arsenal rendered useless by a silencing spell, voice stealing power, or any other {{Phlebotinum}} that a villain can use to take away your ability to speak the words.
* [[http://fudoushin.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/rules.jpg Tips for]] HumongousMecha pilots.
** I will not attack the enemy unit of a different color and/or configuration than the usual model.
** I will listen to the young commander with a knack for strategy.
** [[SuperPrototype I will not pilot any mech that is not a prototype]].
** If I am not a hero or villain, I will stay off-screen unless my side is winning.
*** If that is impossible, I will join a heavy weapons' squad carrying nothing but {{BFG}}s. Life as StockFootage ain't so bad.
** Should I find myself facing the SuperPrototype mecha piloted by an OrdinaryHighSchoolStudent who [[FallingIntoTheCockpit fell into the cockpit]], I will not attack him. Instead, [[KnowWhenToFoldEm I will call for a tactical withdrawal]].
* ''If you are none of those, refer to this very page.''
** I will keep a pack of Shinto Charms on me at all times. If a minor demon manifests or possesses someone, this is the most effective way to ward them off.
** If I am [[CallingYourAttacks calling my attacks]], the best time to do so is ''during'' said attacks, rather than leaving myself wide open before them.
*** If I have to call my attacks before I execute them, the names will be short and misleading. For example, a whirling kick that generates a gust of wind? "Knuckle spark".
*** If possible, all of my attacks will have the same name. That way, no one knows if I'm going to merely throw a fireball or nuke the place to oblivion.
*** If possible, just [[TakeAThirdOption don't call your attacks at all]].
** Before piloting any HumongousMecha or other combat vehicle, I will make sure I know how to evacuate from it, and if possible, how to trigger its self-destruct mechanism to keep the technology out of enemy hands once all personnel have escaped.
** I will never be the first one to join a fight. That's the hero's job.
** If it's really important that my allies accomplish something, I'll pretend it's impossible, then act surprised when they do it.
** If I am a young man and [[UnwantedHarem twenty girls fall in love with me out of the blue]], I will under no circumstances [[HaremSeeker encourage them]]. When they're not feuding over me, they'll be smacking me upside the head for [[GreenEyedMonster noticing the others]]. Unless you ladies can be civil about this, I think we should see other people.
*** On the other hand...if I know the flaws of the individual girls, and they happen to balance each other out? A BalancedHarem can be QUITE fun. That way, I can at least get to sit back and watch the fireworks...
** If I am not TheHero in a Shonen anime, but am a good guy, I will not, I repeat, ''not'', attempt to fight the BigBad. Instead, I will encourage and/or train TheHero to this end.
** If I am a mentor [[APupilOfMineUntilHeTurnedToEvil whose student has gone evil]], I will not engage him myself, nor will I say anything to the effect of "[[ThisIsSomethingHesGotToDoHimself I'm the only one who can stop him]]". Such a fight will definitely end in my death. Even if [[HonorBeforeReason the school's honor is more important]], having a more loyal student beat him later still counts as a victory for the team. If this demotes the traitor from an apprentice who outgrew his master to a [[BetaTestBaddie random bad apple]] who was given a chance, but didn't see the light--so much better.
*** Also, while training my students, I will make sure none of them are stronger than me. If one is, I will make sure to know his weaknesses--this will be priceless in case he decides to switch teams.
** I will force the opponent to begin a long monologue about his place in life, his feelings, dreams, hopes, etc. When he is distracted, ''that'' is when I will attack.
** I will by no means have any sort of flashback in the middle of a life-or-death battle. If I do, I may as well kiss my rear end goodbye.
*** Unless said flashback distracts my enemy's long enough for me to win the battle.
** I will let the HotBlooded guy be the hero. Always, without exception or exemption.
** If my team runs a combining mecha and the villains repeatedly [[Anime/{{Voltron}} prevent it from combining by keeping one of my team members occupied]], I'll train a backup pilot for use in such situations. More than one if I can.
** I will refrain from mentioning my fatalism, nihilism or Ubermensch-complex to the hero. He will teach me a lesson about ''his'' philosophy and that lesson will be painful.
*** If possible, I will acquire a working knowledge of philosophy and after the hero states his beliefs, I will destroy them intellectually, gaining the audience's sympathy.
*** I will keep in mind that this usually backfires horribly in certain types of anime. Effort will be put into finding out where this series lands on the SlidingScaleOfIdealismVersusCynicism
** Should I somehow gain dark powers, I will use them '''only''' as a last resort to prevent either [[WithGreatPowerComesGreatInsanity loss of sanity]] or else fueling my SuperpoweredEvilSide.
** I will establish whether or not my attacks can hurt the villain. If so, I will ignore the Hero's "I have to do this alone" speech, gather everyone else whose attacks can also hurt the villain, and we'll all gang up on him. If not, I will politely bow out and see if there is something I can sabotage.
** If I am a WellIntentionedExtremist, I will remember to apply extreme measures ''only after'' normal measures failed to work. Trying to steal something and then finding out I could have just asked for it, for instance, makes me look stupid ''and'' unreasonable.
** If I find a [[Manga/ElfenLied naked girl]] [[Anime/ThisUglyYetBeautifulWorld in the middle of nowhere]], I will kill her, right then and there. Or run away fast and far, and never return. She is obviously the harbinger of destruction, and it will be easier to do it before I fall in love with her.
** I will use my most powerful attack at the beginning of the battle. [[SpamAttack Repeatedly]].
*** In the event that my most powerful attack kills me, I will trap the enemy to ensure that they die as well. This includes restraining them, removing any magical jewelry, and generally ensuring that no DeusExMachina happens.
** I will not assume that [[BadassNormal the guy who can't use magic]] is a weakling. He can probably still kick my ass six ways from Sunday.
** I will not judge people by appearance. Yes, my opponent looks ridiculous, but he can probably kill me without much thought. This holds particularly true if I am in ''OnePiece''.
** The instant I realize that the SuperPrototype can win a battle in only a few seconds, I will call up the heads of state and get them working on having it mass-produced.
*** I will, however, make sure that each replica is an exact copy, and is not [[SuperPrototype inexplicably weaker]]. Cutting the corners on army contracts is known at least since the time of Xerxes, so dying for lack of a working acceptance board would be embarrassing. If necessary, a solution to this problem may also be borrowed from Xerxes.
** During the TournamentArc:
*** I will refrain from stating that I was saving my super attack for the finals unless I am actually ''in'' the finals.
*** I will not cheat unless I'm on the team that features TheHero. If I'm on any other team, we will not only be mercilessly beaten, but we will be exposed as cheats.
*** I will avoid actions that make me a Complete Monster. I want to survive past this TournamentArc, so I will avoid that. If possible, I will inform TheHero as to the weaknesses of the BigBad.
* If I live in a universe with PowerLevels, I will attempt to discern if the scale is linear, logorithmic, or exponential. Under no circumstances will I attempt to solo an opponent who is a level or higher above me. Whether I try a group attack or retreat depends on the answer to the previous question.
* If I am minding my own business, and suddenly a hot member of the opposite sex or cute little critter comes along and offers me the chance to do something really cool (such as pilot a giant robot, become a magical girl, or travel to another world), I will [[Manga/{{Bokurano}} make]] ''[[Manga/{{Narutaru}} damn]]'' [[Anime/NowAndThenHereAndThere sure]] [[Anime/NeonGenesisEvangelion the]] [[Anime/MaiHime setting]] [[LightNovel/TheTwelveKingdoms is]] [[Anime/PuellaMagiMadokaMagica not]] a {{Deconstruction}} before I accept.
* I will make double sure of my actual genre and the role I am ''actually'' in, instead of the genre and role I ''think'' I'm in. Being WrongGenreSavvy can be just as bad as being GenreBlind, and depending on the story and author, I am most likely going to look like a fool or have any number of bad things happen to me.
* If I am ''ever'' in a {{Mons}} setting, ''especially'' if I am among the main cast, I will learn about any form of combat or {{Mons}} neutralization that is not dependent on {{Mons}} and train myself in it ''immediately''. No matter how skilled I am at commanding {{Mons}}, I will invariably be separated from my team and attacked or otherwise put in peril without them, and waiting for them to save my hide is asking for trouble. If my enemy is on the same level of pragmatism as [[VideoGame/PokemonColosseum Cipher]], I will take extra lessons and ''expect'' to be attacked in these circumstances.
** Likewise, I will train my {{Mons}} to fight or command others without me for the same reason stated above. Whoever separated them from me is most likely out to control them for their own ends, and they should be inconvenienced or thwarted as thoroughly as possible.
** If I plan to enter a TournamentArc, I will be prepared to face a CanonSue [[DiabolusExMachina out of nowhere with]] OlympusMons [[Anime/{{Pokemon}} in the semifinals]]. I will go on Website/{{Smogon}}, do the research on every Uber, take notes on their weaknesses, and equip my {{Mons}} with lots of speed-boosting items.
*** If possible I will make the effort to obtain OlympusMons myself to make the rest of my life much easier. It maybe time consuming but as long as me and my travelling companions [[{{Filler}} don't stick our noses in the affairs of every stranger we come across]] we should still be able to make it into the tournament. If not possible to catch OlympusMons I will use said extra time to fully train and diversify my roster, research on all potential rivals and obtain all the best stat increasing, [[TransformationTrinket transforming]] and [[LimitBreak special move]] inducing items I can find.
* If I am in a sports anime, I will not give up. Period. Even if every joint in my body aches and I can barely stand up. The HotBlooded {{Determinator}} always wins.
** If I'm the CuteSportsClubManager, I better get used to seeing [[PairTheSpares that one kid who's conveniently single and seems to like me]]. Otherwise, there's no conceivable way the fandom's letting me get with one of my other teammates. ''Especially'' if [[HopelessSuitor I have a crush on one of them]].
* I should realize at some point that the cuter the world's design is (''without'' being a comedic work), and the more innocent my friends appear to be, [[ArtStyleDissonance the more I'll have to start worrying for everyone's safety.]]
* If anyone runs into me, I will not [[ThanksForTheMammary feel around to see who it is.]] [[PervertRevengeMode I will get slapped.]] And if my hand does end up on something warm and soft, I will move it away as quickly as possible.
** Hands to the side, apologize immediately. [[Characters/TheLegendOfHeroesTrailsOfColdSteel Even if it doesn't work, that means SHE will be the one who looks like a jerk.]]
* If, after overcoming all the difficulties and much {{angst}} that are separating us from getting together, I am finally able to meet my LoveInterest alone in an atmospheric location, I will have to realize that this meeting is not [[Anime/AngelBeats gonna]] [[Anime/WaitingInTheSummer last]] [[LightNovel/BeyondTheBoundary very]] [[Anime/YourName long]] and will usually end in the disappearance of my LoveInterest. With that in mind, I will confess my feeling to her again and have a BigDamnKiss with her. More importantly, I will do anything I can to make sure she will remember me and I will remember her since while we are [[FateDrivesUsTogether guaranteed to meet again]], the next time I'm going to see her can be anywhere from a year to our next life and I certainly don't want to forget about her due to some EasyAmnesia.

[[folder:Fan Fiction]]
* I will throw myself down at the feet of the nearest MarySue and pledge my everlasting loyalty to [[AlwaysFemale her]]. Humiliating, yes, but I'll probably make it to the story's end ([[DeadFic if it has one]]) in one piece if I stay on her good side.
** If I absolutely cannot stand said MarySue, nor really care about her, however, I will leave the vicinity of said Sue immediately. Howling for her blood will end badly for me, and just being anywhere near her if I'm indifferent towards her will likely ensure that I get [[TheDragalong dragged into her adventures]] anyhow.
*** However, if said MarySue is of the shapeshifter type (assuming she has the kind of personality I won't mind), then I wouldn't mind her anyhow as long as she's not dating anyone canon. [[note]]BreastExpansion and [[PowerPerversionPotential other possibilities]] would be endless, assuming purity isn't an issue to begin with.[[/note]]
* If the heroine is dating the DracoInLeatherPants and insists he isn't so bad, I will believe her. I will not explode when I find out and then [[RonTheDeathEater go overboard trying to protect her]], especially not if [[GreenEyedMonster I wanted her to be in a relationship with me]].
** If I still loathe the DracoInLeatherPants despite what the heroine says about him, I will respectfully let the couple be and [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere leave the story]] entirely, or at least the vicinity of the couple.
* I will hang out with [[BeautyEqualsGoodness whichever characters are described as attractive]]. And I will [[AuthorAppeal wear whatever clothes and listen to whatever music they do]]. And if [[ObligatorySwearing they all swear]], I will swear too.
** Alternatively, if I find the above rule undesireable for any reason, understandable or otherwise (more likely the former), I will leave the general area those characters occupy as quickly and quietly as possible.
* If [[SlashFic two male characters hook up]], I will most emphatically ''not'' [[PoliticallyIncorrectVillain be homophobic]]. I similarly will not express outrage over ''any'' romantic pairing, [[UnequalPairing no]] [[HotForStudent matter]] [[NotBloodSiblings how]] [[IncestIsRelative wrong]]. It's always [[ElmuhFuddSyndwome Twue Wuv]].
** If I am indifferent about the above, should I happen to be in said SlashFic at all, and at the place where said hooking up takes place, I will leave the vicinity where said hooking up occured as calmly as possible and do the [[BrainBleach mind scrubbing]] in someplace private. That goes double if there are [[NoYay very good reasons]] such a pair wouldn't happen canonically.
* I will not attempt to change or disturb TheStationsOfTheCanon. It probably won't hurt me, but it's just a waste of time.
* If I'm male, I will be a perfect gentleman to the heroine, but will have no romantic interest in her. If I'm female, I will have no romantic interest in the heroine's man and most certainly will not act jealous or try to steal him. In fact, whatever my gender, I will not be in a relationship with ''anyone'' [[DieForOurShip just to be safe]].
** If the hero/heroine turns out to be utterly insufferable for any reason, I will make a break for it the instant they enter the picture.
* I will be as {{Wangst}}y as possible. Having actual reasons for my moodiness is, however, purely optional.
** Alternatively, I will [[AngstWhatAngst not be emotionally unstable]], as the chance of the above super-sensitive type of characters being seen as [[TheScrappy hair-pullingly obnoxious]] by the readers is nothing to be laughed at.
*** The above goes double for if the whiny character ''is'' the protagonist. If I am not the main character, and I really wish they [[AngstDissonance would just shut up]], I will avoid being ''anywhere near'' them as much as possible. Being near someone so [[SoBeautifulItsACurse ungodly beautiful]], yet far too emotionally frail, for instance, is '''not''' worth enduring the headaches in the long run.
* If it's a ''Franchise/HarryPotter'' fanfic:
** If the "good" side and the "bad" side have been twisted beyond all recognition, I will join the side with most of the following characters: Harry, Hermione, Draco, Snape, Lupin, Luna, and the Weasley twins.
*** Alternatively, I will [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere ''put as much distance between myself and the conflict as I can altogether'']].
** If Harry is accused of a horrific crime, I will assume he's innocent right away. I will also hide Hedwig and his photo album from everyone else until his innocence is proven.
*** If a key part of the evidence against Harry is that the Marauder's Map said he did it, I will remind everyone that one of the Map's co-creators is a known Death Eater. I will also remind everyone that the last time they assumed someone was guilty just because all the evidence SEEMED to point to that person being guilty, an innocent man spent 12 years in Azkaban, and will insist that the Map be thoroughly tested (ideally by a surviving Marauder other than Pettigrew) to ensure that it hasn't been tampered with (or replaced with a defective copy/prototype)
* If a character becomes RonTheDeathEater, I will assume they are completely evil and irredeemable now, no matter how nice they were in the canon.
** If such is the case, I [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere would have already left the story]] long ago.
* If it's a TrollFic, I will be as wildly and entertainingly OutOfCharacter as possible. Surely the author would never kill off the character who provides half the lulz.
** Also, I will take this opportunity to do as many wildly improbable things as possible, as the excessive RuleOfCool will allow me to achieve absolutely insane and entertaining things.
* If someone attractive is being mean to me, I will [[RedemptionEqualsSex immediately decide to have sex with them]]. If someone unattractive is being mean to me, I will kill them.
* I won't feel any pressure to be funny if it's an {{MST}} fic. Instead I'll just [[CaptainObvious state the obvious]] and [[HumorDissonance this will be considered hilarious]].
** If it's a particularly [[{{Squick}} gross]] fanfic I'm [=MSTing=], I will [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere abandon ship]] immediately.
* In the ''Pokemon''-universe, I will never trust anyone accompanied by a Hypno. Given [[NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast the name of the species]], the reason for this should be [[MindControl fairly obvious]].

[[folder:Judd Apatow films]]
* I will try to be as average-looking as possible, but funny. Definitely funny. If this is the case, I'll be getting tail like nobody's business.
* I will try to be the "leader" of my group. This will mean I will be landing the most attractive female.
* I will by no means attempt to improve my life. Self-improvement is for losers. Chicks dig unattractive, funny guys who still work in retail. Besides, my life will probably improve anyways once I get handed a great new job or promotion I may or may not have ever been shown working hard to receive.
* If I'm in a relationship with the lead female at the beginning of the movie, I will just save myself the time and trouble and break up with her now. She will be ending up with the average-looking funny guy who still works in retail.

[[folder:Lifetime Movie of the Week]]
* I will make sure that the legal measures I am presently taking will allow me to keep my baby for the rest of my life. I don't want to get jerked around by any more lawyers.
* Building on that, I will go and get a ''female'' lawyer the first thing I do.
* I will avoid the male gender at all costs. They are only out to get me. I will make an exception for the childhood friend who has no romantic interest in me, because he won't be ''as'' evil as the rest of them.
** In fact, I'll have to put him on notice, too. The nicer and more supportive he is, the more likely it'll become that he gets murdered by my evil husband, boyfriend, stalker or whatever.
** If he happens to be a GayBestFriend, then I'd better just cut the crap and see if there are any secure bomb shelters in the area he can hide in 'til this whole thing blows over; [[BuryYourGays there's no way he's getting out of this alive otherwise]].
* I will believe any and all stories about the man I am about to marry: allegations that he has a secret second family; that he's really an AxCrazy murderer; and other unflattering accusations and profiles; these will all be completely true by the end of the movie.
* I will not have children. It never helps things. They only end up used as bargaining chips in kidnappings anyway.
** If I must have children, they will be wearing tracking devices at all times. I will have a network of people just making sure that they're OK everywhere they go. When any daughters I have turn 13, I will send them out of town to live with relatives until they're able to work through whatever life issues they will no doubt develop.
* I will go to the cops the instant my husband shows the slightest hint of being abusive.
** Unless the cops are male. Then I'll just have no choice but to kill him.
** In fact, I should probably just kill him anyway; nobody on this network is going to penalize me very much for killing an abusive [[TheUnfairSex male]]; in the eyes of the TargetAudience, [[PayEvilUntoEvil I shouldn't be punished because he deserves to die]].
* When I am in the hospital giving birth to my child, I will make sure that my room is secure and there is a sign-in sheet on the front door. Only female doctors will be allowed in. I will tell my terrible, awful baby daddy that I'm giving birth at another hospital on the other side of town. Finally, I will make absolutely sure that the child is legally mine and that no one can take him/her from me.
* If I am male, I will identify the heroine as quickly as possible and ''stay away from her''. The less screentime I get, the better.
** If I ''absolutely must'' be around her (for work-related reasons or something), I will remain cold and aloof at all times, and use any excuse I can find to be in a different city. The less I interact with her, the better.
** If I can't get out of it, I will, at the earliest opportunity, smash a hole in the FourthWall and brutally murder the writing staff and the producers in revenge for every indignity they would no doubt subject me to. That will at least mean if I'm the villain, I've earned it rightfully.
* Better yet, I will cross-dress. I'm male. What the hell am I doing on this network, anyway?
* Even better, If I am offered to be on this network before the above future indignities occur, [[JustEatGilligan I will decline said offer, no matter how well it pays]], [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere and haul ass outta the vicinity as soon as possible.]]
* While jogging, I will never wear headphones that block out all sounds. If I feel the need to stop and stretch, I will either suppress that desire or find a very well-lit and crowded public place.

* [[http://www.metalstorm.ee/pub/fun_comments.php?fun_id=2 101 Rules of Black Metal]]
* [[http://www.metalstorm.ee/pub/fun_comments.php?fun_id=20 101 Rules of Death Metal]]
* [[http://www.metalstorm.ee/pub/fun_comments.php?fun_id=82 101 Rules of Thrash Metal]]
* [[http://www.metalstorm.ee/pub/fun_comments.php?fun_id=5 196 Rules of Doom Metal]]
* [[http://www.metalstorm.ee/pub/fun_comments.php?fun_id=58 101 Rules of New Wave of British Heavy Metal]]
* [[http://www.metalstorm.ee/pub/fun_comments.php?fun_id=4 101 Rules of Nu Metal]]
* [[http://www.metalstorm.ee/pub/fun_comments.php?fun_id=6 101 Rules of Power Metal]]
** [[http://www.metalstorm.ee/pub/fun_comments.php?fun_id=7 The Epic Sequel to the 101 Rules of Power Metal]]
* [[http://www.metalstorm.ee/pub/fun_comments.php?fun_id=3 101 Rules of Prog Metal]]
* I will never, ever, ever bite the hand that feeds me. I remember how well that worked out for some dude named Sanjaya.
* I will develop ''rudimentary'' song-writing skills. (Notice I said ''rudimentary'' for a reason.) My mentors can take me only so far; eventually, I will have to build an identity of my own.
** However, remembering how well this worked for Music/KellyClarkson, I will not over-estimate the quality of said skills, insisting on publishing an album of only my songs if my mentors and my label don't think it's a good idea.
* I will wait, or I will anticipate, but [[StockRhymes doing both at the same time]] these days is just so ''gauche''.

[[folder:Video Games]]
!!! General
* If I ever meet someone with an odd hair, skin or eye color I will instantly pay attention to them.
* If I ever fight a powerful enemy who later, for what ever reason, comes to my side or team. I will be immediately aware this person will be [[RedemptionDemotion nowhere near as powerful as they were before]], and likely have none of the same weapons either.
** In the case of a game where murdering significant characters is possible, I will make sure not to kill them.
*** Unless they seem like a villain, then killing is the first option.
*** Or I have effectively completed the game, and am now just having fun. (Also known as the Morrowind Manoeuvre.)
** If everyone has the same set of faces, the next time I see a face I've never seen before, I will do the above.
** If the person is a young skinny boy who shows little to no sign of puberty, I will befriend him, especially if his hair is messy/spiky. He's probably the protagonist, and if he isn't, then someone in his party is.
*** If said youngster is also [[RummageSaleReject dressed like a clown supply store threw up all over him]], then he's ''definitely'' the protagonist.
* I will tell my allies to equip their own friggen armor and weapons.
** I will always be aware of [[SoLongAndThanksForAllTheGear team members who are about to leave forever]] and take all my equipment back so it's not lost forever. Doubly so if said character has rare items or one of a kind weapons I can never get back.
* If I can't see someone's face they aren't in my team. Hiding your face is a sign of evil.
** Unless I already know who they are through a past life/game. [[spoiler: cough-Candalore-cough]]
*** Unless they are a friendly alien engineer who has information that will help you on your quest. [[spoiler: cough-Tali-cough]]
** If I outright can't see their heads at all (no character art), I can safely ignore them.
* I will always carry as many health potions as physically possible.
** And ammo.
** Spell scrolls
** Mana/Magic potions.
** Healing food
** Guns
** Grenades/Explosion things
** I will not be too cheap to use them as and when necessary.
** Alternatively, in the case of limited encumbrance, I will carry the most weight-efficient supplies available and leave at least enough room for an unconscious companion.
* If I'm lightly equipped or unarmed and manage to subdue an adversary with superior weaponry, I will make a point not to [[UnusableEnemyEquipment leave their perfectly functional weapons lying around unclaimed for no good reason]]. If there ''is'' a good reason I can't operate them --like, say, [[JustifiedTrope guns with biometric lockouts or what have you]]-- I'll still think about taking it anyway so long as it can serve as a decent cudgel.
** Unless I happen to be Franchise/{{Batman}}, [[DoesntLikeGuns personal distaste of guns]] is not considered a "good" reason to pass them up. Life-or-death situations are the ''worst'' time to hop on a moral high horse, so [[CombatPragmatist I won't refuse any opportunity to level the playing field against whatever wants to kill me]].
* Rather than using my time warping powers to revive myself after death (loading game), I will learn to harness it into time travel and instantly win.
* If I can level up my magical abilities by using magic, I will constantly use it over and over while doing everything. For example, [[VideoGame/{{Everquest}} by setting the same button that makes me walk forward, to "Cast Spell #1".]]
** Hooray for Elder Scrolls!
* I will compulsively reload immediately upon the end of any combat unless this expends the remainder of the clip. Similarly, I will rest/heal/whatever after every combat unless this will demonstrably worsen my situation or I was uninjured and not forced to use any of whatever gives me my fantastic powers.
* There is no such thing as [[MoreDakka "enough guns."]] '''You always need more'''.
* If I have any relatives that are scientists I will not visit their workplace. Especially if it's sponsored by their company. Even though it'll [[VideoGame/{{Portal}} make me]] [[VideoGame/{{Iji}} the protagonist]] it's not worth the trouble that will ensue. Similarly if you are a scientist do not take your daughter to work.
** If my planet is under attack, under no circumstances will I call in ''more'' hostile aliens.
* I will never assume that a fight is almost over. My enemy might have/probably has a OneWingedAngel form or [[IAmNotLeftHanded has been fighting with his left hand]]. A fight is either over or it isn't.
** Even if they ''don't'' have such a voluntary hindrance, just because s/he is low on health and I still have plenty left does not mean that their attacks are any weaker or that one slip will prove any less fatal. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVmc5ZepdVs Justin Wong]] [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVcqjfAiiSI underlines this point very well.]]
** This goes for cutscenes too. If my opponent is crippled and I am still fine, I will get on with landing the appropriate finishing blow instead of wasting time on anything longer than a PreMortemOneLiner, giving him chance to escape. Remember, also, a BondOneLiner can be just as clever but infinitely less risky.
* If I realize I am ''not'' the protagonist, I will find out who is: (s)he'll be the guy [[TalkToEveryone talking to everyone]], [[TheOnlyOne making himself/herself more useful than anyone else]] and [[KleptomaniacHero stealing everything not nailed down]]. I will then make certain that person [[NominalImportance knows my name]].
* If using saving and being able to magically respawn at a specific point is an option, I will abuse it unless I have a save limit.
* If I am ever given multiple possible choices in a scenario, I will immediately assume that one choice can lead me to a bad ending and have saved beforehand. After making the choice, I will not save again (at least not on the same file) until I am directly certain what the effects are.
* If the boss kills or almost kills me due to me being too low on level, I will not endlessly retry in the hopes that I will win. Unless I made a mistake, this means I am not ready for future bosses after this one.
* If there is water in a level, I will do my very best to avoid walking into it. If I must go into the water, I will do all that I can to be ready for it.
** I will always assume something terrible is waiting for me under the water and never let my guard down if I must go near it.
** I will also remember that just because that I have ''exited'' the water doesn't mean that I am safe. It could be even ''more'' dangerous.
* I will always have a healthy respect for the dark, but be constantly aware that danger is everywhere. I will not be lulled into a false sense of security just because I can see the whole room.
** I will remember that some monsters are invisible, and listen carefully for anything that doesn't sound right or seems to be coming closer in my direction.
* I will always remember to look up if possible or allowed.
** Just because something is shiny doesn't make it valuable, it could be a trap. Always approach everything with caution.
* If what should be a simple action prompts me to go to a cutscene, I will immediately assume I am about to be screwed over.
* If I have a minor encounter with some evil-looking minions early on in the plot, I will automatically assume that I will have repeated clashes of escalating seriousness with them throughout my quest and eventually confront and defeat [[BigBad their boss]] within minutes of their masterplan succeeding. Anything less than that is a bonus.
** Surprisingly, humor is one of the better ways to gauge the seriousness of their threat to me. If they're constantly [[EvilLaugh laughing and nobody's trying to be funny]], I'd better watch my ass. If they're constantly trying to be funny and nobody's laughing, then I'm most likely dealing with a GoldfishPoopGang and don't have too much to worry about, so long as their employer doesn't have access to mind control or some kind of PsychoSerum (both of which can quickly lead to a NotSoHarmlessVillain situation, and those are ''never'' good).
* If a GoldfishPoopGang's malevolent deeds don't involve any really serious crimes like torture, rape or murder, or they want to be villains and just ''really'' [[MinionWithAnFInEvil suck at their job]], I won't immediately rain down the Holy Fires of Ultimate Justice on their heads, but rather let them slink away to lick their wounds. Who knows? I might be able to coax a HeelFaceTurn out of these poor dopes after dealing out a sufficient number of ass-whoopings. This goes double if I catch wind that their evil master has a habit of [[MistreatmentInducedBetrayal abusing them]] or [[EvenEvilHasLovedOnes threatening their loved ones]].
* If I hear rumours (or, especially, tales told by old women) about special Orbs, mystical elements or anything that sounds vaguely MacGuffin-like, I will drop everything and immediately search them out until I find said items. If I don't someone else will, and that's never pretty.
** Unless I'm in a horror game. Then I should [[VideoGame/AmnesiaTheDarkDescent avoid Orbs at all costs.]]
* If I ever enter a room with a [[SuspiciousVideogameGenerosity generous amount of supplies along with a save point]], I will mentally prepare myself for getting my ass kicked repeatedly.
* Also, bosses, take a cue from [[VideoGame/BatmanArkhamCity Mr. Freeze]]: if the player character hits you with an attack, neutralise the environment or beef up your defences so that they can't do it again.
* If the protagonist is tasked with rescuing hostages by picking them up in their car and I'm one of those hostages, I will not be slow or stupid about getting my ass into the protagonist's car ASAP. I will not stop to perform a taunt or action that is not pursuant to getting my ass in the car. If there is an obstacle in the way, I will maneuver around it or jump over it, whichever is more practical. If I can't reach the door to get into the car for whatever reason, I will either find another door or signal to the protagonist to move the car so that the door isn't blocked.
** And once I'm in said car, I will stay in it and use one of the protagonist's [[HyperspaceArsenal inexplicably numerous]] weapons to cover the other hostages and clear our escape. If one of the bad guys pulls the protagonist out of the car, I will stay in the car and shoot the bad guy so the protagonist can recover and get back in.
** Once we get moving, I will either fire back at pursuers while the protagonist drives or take over driving while he busts out the rocket launcher. I will not spend the entire time we're together bitching at him over his bad driving.
** If I'm the contact giving the protagonist the above task or any other task that requires the use of a vehicle and involves pissed-off bad guys shooting at it, I will make use of the upgraded vehicles in the protagonist's garage, and not whatever stock crap my faction provides as a generic car. This will go double if rockets and/or explosives are expected to be involved in any way.
* Also, if I'm unlucky enough to be a hostage, I will get on the ground, cover my head, and '''STAY''' that way until the shooting stops and the heroes give me an all-clear, at which point I will move slowly with my hands up and clearly identify myself. No matter how happy I am to be so close to freedom and safety, blindly running from cover toward an armed hero while there's a damned gunfight going on is only gonna net me a posthumous Darwin Award... And [[TooDumbToLive I'm gonna deserve it, too]].

!!! Fighting
* If there is a [[FightingGame fighting tournament]] being held fairly regularly that I frequently participate in, I will not be very likely to win unless [[ItsPersonal I have a deeply personal issue with the person conducting the tournament]]. This will not stop me from participating in each and every tournament, because otherwise there would be some fans out there clamoring about [[PutOnABus my disappearance from the scene]].
** Likewise, if my opponent is a tough bastard who's very likely to kick my ass, I will not wait for him to get up for a second round and instead [[KillHimAlready pummel him to unconsciousness]]. This will ALWAYS apply to [[SNKBoss any horrific monster, mutant, or maniac I encounter at/after the tournament finals]], since they're clearly up to no good, and [[TheComputerIsACheatingBastard it'll save me a lot of trouble and frustration]].
** Alternatively, if the tournament is being organised by a person/organisation of dubious history then I can rest assured that the same guy who kicked the last such person's ass will almost certainly kick this guy's ass too, and if not then it will probably be some upstanding newcomer who has never entered one of these tournaments before. I will therefore feel free to use the tournament for publicity and a few friendly cameos.
* If my series is organising a tag-team spinoff, I will assume I will be teamed with my best friend. If not, it will probably be my deadly rival. If not that, assume it will be the most obnoxious and pathetic member of the cast and anything better is a bonus.
* If I see the person I am to fight next does not wear shoes, I will request a different opponent. For some reason, the shoeless ones are always badass.

!!! Horror
* I will collect EVERY item I can. Ammo, weapons, tinderboxes, oil, etc.
* Make sure that every room I go to will be free of monsters. If it isn't, I will either shoot them down or run away without attracting their attention.
* If my game doesn't allow me to fight back the monsters, I will designate a handful of areas per location to serve as my hiding spots.
* I will listen intently to both the music and the player to when or if there is a monster in the area.
* I must never waste my items. EVER.
* If my game has a sanity reading, I will pay attention to it.
* If some aspect of my survival depends on light, I will collect every mirror I can find and angle them to light the way. Mirrors aren't just for puzzle solving, each one saves on using suddenly rare tinderboxes/matches/lighters/etc. This will also serve as a warning if something sneaks up behind me.
* If I'm limited in the amount of items I can carry, I will try to remember that I can definitely fit more than just ''one'' key into the average pants pocket.
* If I am running from a monster, I must NEVER look back to see what it looks like or if it is still there. I will ALWAYS assume that it is following me until I get to my safe area.
* If I am not the main character, I will expect to not make it. There's a chance that I might, however.
** If I do survive the entire game by sheer dumb luck or some other reason, I will [[WeAreNotGoingThroughThatAgain not return for the sequel]] [[SuddenSequelDeathSyndrome lest I end up dying somewhere around the first ten or so minutes]].
* If I encounter a BreatherLevel, I will assume that there are worse horrors ahead.
* Depending on the game I'm in, [[BringMyBrownPants I will either wear a diaper or a pair of brown pants.]]
* Instead of aiming for a monster's hard-to-hit extremities, I will shoot at its hips (or whatever joints it uses for locomotion) crippling their movement rate. ''Then'' I will aim for their now ''slowly moving'' [[AttackItsWeakPoint weak point]].
** If ammo is scarce, it's better to have a group of live monsters that you can outpace by walking, than even one that you get exhausted running from.
** The same goes for shooting enemy vehicles, better to do so when it's parked and stationary, not zipping around and full of mooks.
* If there is a prison/dungeon level, expect there to be monsters.
* Always be wary when going to the morgue if there is one.
* If people around me start dying not long after I find a mysterious artifact, I will put said artifact back where I found it. Failing that, I will at least stop carrying it around with me.
** Should a mysterious Baron ask me to come to his castle, claiming that he can solve all of my problems, I will run as far and as fast away from him as I possibly can.

!!! MMO[=/=]RPG
* If I live in a village and I seem like a protagonist, I will be constantly prepared for a surprise attack. If I know someone who looks like a protagonist, I will immediately move village. Any relatives or friends who die in the attack will not be mourned, it's more likely that they were captured or escaped and I will inevitably meet them again later.
* [[Franchise/{{Pokemon}} If at the beginning of my adventure a Professor asks me to choose between three cute little critters]], I will give the choice to my jerkass rival and instead pick the critter that has an advantage over his instead. These days, however, [[VideoGame/PokemonBlackAndWhite some]] [[VideoGame/PokemonXAndY rival]] [[VideoGame/PokemonSunAndMoon trainers]] will do so without my input, but better safe than sorry.
** If a {{Jerkass}} gym leader [[VideoGame/PokemonGoldAndSilver loses to me and refuses to give me the badge]], I will threaten to report them to the League. I shouldn't have to go to some cave to be greeted by hostile cultists just to take some simple test you can pass by lying. Especially not after ThatOneBoss.
** If anyone makes [[VideoGame/PokemonBlackAndWhite a grandiose speech about the rights of these critters]], I will temper my expectations and assume the speaker to be exploitative, if not evil. Much as I'd like to treat the critters with all the love and respect they deserve, there's this part of me that just ''knows better'' than to go along with what the speaker is saying.
** If ever I find myself at [[VideoGame/PokemonSunAndMoon a facility that prides itself on conservation of these "beautiful" critters, especially if it's in a remote location]], I will assume there is ''far'' more going on under the surface and suggest that the authorities investigate the place a little bit more closely.
* If I am the antagonist of an RPG with ActionCommands to dodge hits, I will start my BossBattle with a lengthy monologue.
** Then I will open with a difficult attack pattern designed to kill my enemies on the first turn.
** I will also dodge attacks.
** If I kill the PlayerCharacter, I will be aware they will just come back from their last SavePoint. Thus I will start monologuing again, only to cut my monologue at a random point and immediately attack the PlayerCharacter with my insane pattern just to cheap shot them. Cutting my monologue at a truly random point is essential for keeping the player on their toes: if I skip the monologue at the same point every time, or if there is a discernible pattern, the player will be able to predict my cheap shot.
** I will try to attack the Player Character while they are navigating the menus.
** I will take my sweet time before attacking the player characters or taking my actions, in hopes that frustration due to boredom will make them more prone to mistakes.
** Right before I will be hit by the killing blow, I will use an insanely hard to dodge attack pattern that has nothing to do with my opening pattern, so that the player will have to go through the entire BossBattle again to be able to learn how to dodge this one.
** In short, [[VideoGame/{{Undertale}} Sans]] and [[VideoGame/{{Anachronox}} Rictus]] are the best teachers for becoming a good boss, and I will learn from both their successes and mistakes.
*** If you do use the Special Attack (doing nothing for a turn, which can only be ended [[InterfaceScrew if the opponent moves the bullet box to the FIGHT button]]), be advised that this frees up the opponent's turn for [[SymbioticPossession Chara]] to attack you, so you may have to dodge twice.

!!! Roguelikes
* If I find myself in a {{roguelike}}... no, wait. I'm screwed anyway if that happens, so may as well go on an omnicidal rampage.
** Contrariwise, said rampage will be tempered by caution. Any monster I have not seen before can potentially end me. Therefore, I will think before attacking. If they turn out to have the armour class of a pinata, I shall practice upon them as if they were filled with gold coins. Because, perhaps, they are.
* [[http://nethackwiki.com/wiki/Lessons_learned_the_hard_way And a]] [[http://nethackwiki.com/wiki/Bad_Idea couple lists]] specific to ''VideoGame/NetHack''. Many of these items apply equally well to other {{Roguelike}}s.
* Bad weapons are better than no weapons. I shall remember that "Weapon proficiency (Stick)" also covers quarterstaves.
* I will remember that any entity that starts walking towards me is bad news.
* I shall not slaughter innocent {{NPC}}s unless I'm sure I can get A) away with it; B) something out of it; C) both.
* Quests are only as useful as the loot the quest-giving {{NPC}}s gift me with. If the quest is near-impossible, I shall not accept it.
* Artifacts are worth any price... except my life.
* I am not too honourable to lead my enemies to a strong NPC to soften them up, even if this would result in the NPC's death. If it doesn't and I need him dead, the experiment will be repeated.
* I shall consider my equipment unconventional emergency ammo. Throwing potions at a Greater Daemon may have surprising results.
* I will learn how to cook and prepare food for extended shelf life, and carry a stack of it at all times.
* I will strive to become the fastest moving thing in the dungeon. They can't kill you if they can't catch you.
* Better yet, I will immediately go back up the stairs I entered the dungeon through and demand that they get their own damn ArtifactOfDoom.
** Unless the roguelike was written in the last few years, in which case [[TheDevteamThinksOfEverything they probably thought of that too]].

!!! Sandbox
* If the commercials have more than their share of AccidentalInnuendo, and I don't have any ties to the criminal underworld, I will move away from the city before I get run over by a DrivesLikeCrazy protagonist or [[SaintsRow have my property devalued by a septic truck]].
* If I'm a cop or gangbanger in the aforementioned setting, I will remember one very important rule: ''tank beats everything.'' If I'm not equipped to take on a tank when the protagonist starts rampaging through downtown in one, I will call in somebody that is and leave town. Same rule applies if the protagonist is driving an AwesomePersonnelCarrier or anything else with heavy armor or weapon turrets.

!!! Shoot-'em-up [=/=] Bullet Hell
* I will use bombs instead of hoarding them when danger comes up, unless I happen to have auto-bomb ability which has ''no drawbacks''.
* I will pay attention to the entire screen instead of myself because I will never know the nasty surprises that come from afar.
* I will pay attention on how scoring works as having more scores means more lives, unless if scores are irrelevant then the attention should be on how to collect more lives and bombs.
* I will simply shoot at the bosses once they appear even if they are immune to them for a while, lest the score accumulated this way may provide me with an extra life.
* I will put my speed down whenever I am in danger of being hit as it allows me to maneuver between the bullets better, unless the patterns indicate otherwise.
* I will memorize how the hitboxes of myself and the bullets work so that I can squeeze myself between them safely.

!!! Stealth
* If I am part of a stealth game or are otherwise being stealthy, I won't wear my weapons all over my body.
* I will [[InTheHood not wear a hood]]. Instead I will obtain plastic surgery to give myself an unrecognizable face along with the most common skin, hair, and eye colors.
* I will hide a freaking knife somewhere on my body. I will use said knife if things get hairy. 0% casualties is a stretch goal.
* My goal is to avoid detection. I'd rather check the same room twice than face a boss.
* I will remember that I am not the only agent around; Someone will inevitably betray me. The sooner I start making contingency plans, the better.
* I will not murder hapless guards because I can. I am not immortal, and facing them all in the afterlife will be so embarrassing.
* I will not murder hapless guards because it is convenient or easier. It is sloppy, and when I am inevitably betrayed and have to clear my name, redemption is easier when I haven't slit the throat of half the US Army. Even if it's not an issue, it still can make the difference between becoming infamous as romanticized "master sneak" or reviled "that butcher".
* I will not wear [[VideoGame/{{Thief}} tap shoes]].

[[folder:Web Comics]]

[[folder: Gaming Comics ]]

* [[TwoGamersOnACouch I will buy a couch.]] No exceptions.
* I will get used to putting up with the antics of [[TheFool the braindead roommate]] that has [[{{Jerkass}} no social skills]] and a penchant for [[PersonOfMassDestruction damaging other people's property]]. [[StatusQuoIsGod He won't be leaving]] nor will he [[KarmaHoudini ever suffer for his actions]], so it's best if I'm on good terms with him. Doubly so if he [[WishFulfillment looks like]] [[AuthorAvatar the author]].
* I will get real good at standing in the same 3-4 poses over and over again. ''[[CutAndPasteComic Real]]'' [[CutAndPasteComic good]].
* At the first sign of [[BloodyHilarious "hilarious" bloodshed]] that seems to [[{{Snapback}} undo itself]] after a few seconds, I will immediately stop any mention of a preference towards any and all platforms, game series, genres, developers, or publications. The previously mentioned {{Jerkass}} / AuthorAvatar / MartyStu will take it upon himself to "educate" me [[AuthorFilibuster about his much better opinions]] with blunt force trauma, and while [[{{Snapback}} nothing will come of it]], being stabbed in the head '''hurts'''.


[[folder: In General ]]

* If [[WeirdnessMagnet bizarre stuff]] starts happening around a person or place, stay as far away as possible.
** If said bizarre stuff happens to me, get used to it--it's not gonna stop.
** Since everyone gets into weird situations sooner or later, I'll get my weirdness in early when it's mostly beneficial, as opposed to the traumatic kind you get after the plot sets in.
* [[AllMythsAreTrue Everything even slightly mythical exists,]] [[WorldOfWeirdness plus a lot of stuff you've never heard of]].
* Don't tick off smart people. More often than not, they'll [[{{Chessmaster}} create an elaborate plan to defeat me]], or [[MadScientist will pull out their ball lightning gun]].
** (Or they'll have magic powers, but ticking off wizards is stupid in any medium.)
* If anyone looks like [[WebComic/EightBitTheater a black mage]], I will leave the universe.
** [[VideoGame/SuperMarioRPG Unless my name is Culex]], in which case I will leave the universe if ''nobody'' looks like a black mage.
*** Says you. If I'm an ultra-powerful demonic warrior with the power of the four elements at my fingertips, and I am beaten by my opponents, and the consequences are to compliment their ability, give them a valuable treasure and part on amicable terms, I might just want to stay in that kind of universe. It hurts to crumble into dust, you know.
*** That is assuming I can breathe the air.
*** And that whoever sent me to find the Black Mage isn't the kind of guy who would pursue and kill me for skipping out on my mission.
* If I notice an increasing number of people are, by various means, having suspiciously [[AuthorAppeal similar problems, experiences]] or [[ConvenientlyCommonKink fetishes]] and I do not wish to share them, I will move out of town immediately.
** If you don't have a problem with either said experiences or kinks (depending on what you prefer, personally) mentioned in the above rule, and you have friends who don't want to share such themselves, do them (and yourself) a favor and let them move elsewhere.
*** In the event that you have friends who [[TooDumbToLive refuse to obey the above rule]], and [[MotorMouth still insist on complaining]], [[TalkToTheFist punch their flapping jaws]] while they're ranting until they take the hint and leave. If they ''still'' [[TheThingThatWouldNotLeave refuse to leave the premises]], do '''anything''' you can to get rid of them, and save the town (and yourself as well, if you never liked said acquaintance in the first place) the headaches.
* If the comic seems lighthearted in tone, work to maintain that. Bizarre, annoying things may happen, but as long as you can avoid CerebusSyndrome, you're unlikely to actually die or be traumatized.