* The opening scene of Cheech being so dazed after waking up that he stumbles into the bathroom and ends up [[MistakenForToilet peeing in a laundry hamper]] ''across the room from the toilet''.

* Pedro and the Man meet for the first time when Chong hitchhikes with fake breasts.
-->'''Man:''' I slept in a ditch last night and almost froze my balls off.
-->'''Pedro:''' I didn't even think you ''had'' any!

* Pedro, trying to find a joint to share with Chong:
-->'''Pedro:''' No, that's my dick... ''[finds it]'' Here it is.
-->'''Chong:''' I hope your dick's bigger than this, man.

* "Am I driving OK?" "I think we're parked."
** This is followed by Pedro beginning to freak out, so Man gives him what he thinks is some drugs that will mellow him out until...
-->'''Man:''' Hey, man, don't eat those.
-->'''Pedro:''' Hey, man, I already took them, man!
-->'''Man:''' ''[[OhCrap Ohhhhh!]]''
-->'''Pedro:''' What do you mean, "''Ohhhhh!''"?!
-->'''Man:''' Oh, wow, man!
-->'''Pedro:''' [[IAteWhat Hey, what]] ''[[IAteWhat WAS]]'' [[IAteWhat that shit, man?!]]
-->'''Man:''' [[WhamLine You just ate the most acid I've EVER seen anybody eat in my entire life!]]
-->'''Pedro:''' I never had no acid before, man!
-->'''Man:''' I hope you're not busy for about a month!
-->'''Pedro:''' [[FreakOut Shit! I'm going to die, man! That shit's gonna make me die, man!]]
-->'''Man:''' No, that's good acid, man.
-->'''Pedro:''' [[MotorMouth It's going to make me freak out, man!]]
-->'''Man:''' Relax, man!
-->'''Pedro:''' [[MotorMouth I've seen those guys that had too many acid, their heads look like a pumpkin, like THAT, man!]]
-->'''Man:''' '''''[[SuddenlyShouting HEY, MELLOW OUT, MAN!!]]''''' Now, just go "Oommmmmmm"...
-->'''Pedro:''' What?
-->'''Man:''' Do it! "Ommmmmmm...."
-->'''Pedro:''' Ohhhh!
-->''(They begin to chant together, with Pedro slipping in an "Ohhh, shit!" at one point until he calms down.)''
-->'''Man:''' There. You better now, man?
-->'''Pedro:''' Yeah...
-->'''Man:''' You mellow?
-->'''Pedro:''' Yeah.
-->'''Man:''' Feel alright, huh?
-->'''Pedro:''' Yeah!
-->'''Man:''' '''[[JumpScare RAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!]]'''
-->'''Pedro:''' GODDAMN, MOTHERFUCKER! ''GODDAMN!'' WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?!
-->'''Man:''' Sometimes that helps!
* Cheech, talking to the cop while stoned.
--> "My license? It's on the bumper."
--> "Here's your momma!"
--> "His name is ''RAAAAAALPH'', man."

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUmVd4RQZCo Chong spills Ajax on a plate. A woman sees it and thinks that it's cocaine...]]

* The marijuana van is overheating. A cop pulls Pedro and Chong over and gets high off the fumes.
--> '''Cop:''' "What do you guys want?"
--> '''Cop:''' "[[RealisticDictionIsUnrealistic Do you mind if I have a, bite of your, ah, hot dog?]]"
--> '''Chong:''' "What was he ''on'', man?
--> '''Cheech:''' "I don't know but I wish we had some of it!"

* Chong on the police dispatch with Sgt. Stadenko: "Was that Lard Ass?" "[[BerserkButton HARD HAT, HARD HAT!!!]]"
** In a deleted scene: "The van was last seen headed to your momma's bedroom."
** The end to that bit:
--> "Radio dispatch! Do you know who this is?"
--> "No, who is this is?"
--> "This is Sargent Stadenko!"
--> "Oh, yeah? You know who this is?"
--> "...No...!"
--> "Bye-bye, lardass!"

* "Fuck me, Alex!"
** "I didn't know your name was Alex, man!"

* The ''entire'' [[Music/AliceCooper Alice]] [[Music/DavidBowie Bowie]] performance.

* "You mean we're smoking dogshit, man?"

* In the courtroom when Pedro takes the judge's glass of water to give Man a drink.
-->'''Man''': "That's fucking vodka man!"