* The Johnnycab scene:
-->'''Johnnycab''': Please state the street and number.
-->'''Quaid''': Drive! drive!
-->'''Johnnycab''': I'm not familiar with that address. Would you please repeat the destination?
-->'''Quaid''': Anywhere just go! Go!
-->'''Johnnycab''': I'm not familiar with that address. Would you please repeat the destination?
-->'''Quaid''': Shit! shit!
-->'''Johnnycab''': I'm not familiar with the address. Would you please repeat the destination?
-->'''Quaid''': [Quaid rips the Johnnycab out and starts to drive himself] Aaahhh!
** In an earlier scene:
-->'''Quaid:''' ''(confused)'' Where am I?\\
'''Johnnycab:''' You're in a Johnnycab.\\
'''Quaid:''' How did I get in here?\\
'''Johnnycab:''' I'm sorry. Would you please rephrase the question?\\
'''Quaid:''' How did I get in this taxi?\\
'''Johnnycab:''' The door opened, you got in. ''(rolls his eyes)'' Hell of a day, isn't it?
** "Quit while you're ahead."
* Beeeny!! [[ThisIsADrill SHKLEEEEW EWE!!]]
* "Hahahahaha! [[{{Hologram}} You think this is the real Quaid?]] [[OhCrap It is!]]"
* Ahnold's animatronic "big lady" disguise fails him, so he pulls off the fake head and throws to a guard coming for him:
-->'''Quaid:''' Here. Catch.\\
[A surprised security guard catches the head]\\
'''Disembodied Fake Head:''' Get ready for a surpriiise!
-->'''[[StuffBlowingUp BOOM!]]'''
** '''''[[ChewingTheScenery "TWWOOOOO WEEEEEEEEKS!!"]]'''''
* After a door gets shut, causing Richter to lose Quaid, this happens.
-->'''Richter''': Open the goddamn door!
-->'''Everett''': I can't.
-->'''Richter''': [grabs him] OPEN IT!
-->'''Everett''': [pushes him off] THEY'RE ALL CONNECTED!\\
[They both then just awkwardly stand and look at each other for a moment]
* "In 30 seconds you'll be dead, and I'll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes."
** In the same scene, when Cohaagen's ranting about how he didn't want any of this and just wanted his friend back, the petulant, childish way he yells "But ''nooooo''! You had to be ''Quaid''!"
* This little exchange:
-->'''Richter''': I want that fucker dead!
-->'''Helm''': I don't blame you, man. I wouldn't want a guy like Quaid porkin' my old lady.
-->'''Richter''': You saying she liked it?
-->'''Helm''': Uh... no... I'm sure she hated every minute of it.
* "They were going to kill me! BUT I KILLED DEM!"
* "[[CaptainObvious You are not you. You're me.]]" "...No shit."
** "Just shove real hard."
* Lori's death scene:
-->'''Lori:''' Doug, honey... you wouldn't hurt me, would you, sweetheart? Sweetheart, be reasonable. After all, we're married! ''[Lori goes for her gun, Quaid shoots her through the head]''
-->'''Douglas Quaid:''' [[BondOneLiner Consider that a divorce]].
-->''[Melina gets up]''
-->'''Melina:''' That was your wife? ''[Quaid nods]'' What a bitch!
* [[IronicEcho "See you at da party, Richta!"]]
** [[WebVideo/TheNostalgiaCritic "We'll have a farewell to arms!"]]
* The human shield guy. How his body absorbs [[NoKillLikeOverkill 15,000 bullets]] and remain intact crosses many lines into BlackComedy that you can't help but laugh after the shooting stops.