* Creator/StephenFry's LargeHam OneSceneWonder in "Kids Today." He appears for all of two minutes and steals the episode. It can be seen in its hilarious entirety [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=entJbYGxmmM here.]]
-->'''Sump:''' My name's Blaster Sump, damn you! Now! ''[puts one foot up on a suitcase on its end, evidently revealing to a disgusted Fowler, Goody, and Habib that he is wearing nothing under his kilt; they flinch and try to look away]'' You play a straight bat with me, and you'll find we'll rub along pretty well together! Use a bent bat, however, a wobbly bat, a bat with a hole in it and bits sticking out of the end, then by thunder, I'll crush your young testicles beneath the hard granite of the Mull of Ben Craggie!\\
'''Habib:''' And those of the party who are not equipped with testicles?\\
'''Sump:''' The victims of tragic accidents, you mean?\\
'''Habib:''' No, I mean girls!\\
'''Sump:''' ''[folds arms]'' Fortunately, I've never been called upon to discipline a girl! No, quite the other way round, as a matter of fact. ''[the phone rings]'' Oh, Hell's tits! ''[takes his foot down off the suitcase and picks up the phone, furiously jabbing two buttons to answer it]'' Yes? Brigadier Blaster Sump, damn you, what d'you want, can't you see I'm busy!? ''[jabs two more buttons to hang up]'' Damn technology. Huh! ''[hurls the receiver aside]'' Present from Mrs Blaster Sump, God rot her vicious soul! I told her, I said "You want to buy me something useful, then get me a big stick with a nail in the end and somebody who deserves a damn good thrashing!" Eh? ''Eh??'' '''EH??''' ''[trademark Creator/StephenFry bleat]'' Baaah! Now! ''[gestures to a pile of helmets, ropes, etc.]'' Here's your gear, you'll find everything you could possibly need from lavatory paper to sandpaper. ''[points at the would-be orienteers]'' Don't confuse the two. I did myself, once. Not a wholly unpleasant experience, but then I went to [[BoardingSchool Charterhouse.]] ''[the police officers grimace]'' Right! I think that's everything, let's get up that mountain like a ferret up a trouser leg, uh?\\
'''Fowler:''' ''[standing up]'' Er, Brigadier Blaster Sump.\\
'''Sump:''' Yes, young lady?\\
'''Fowler:''' I am a trained orienteer, as are two of my officers. We wish only to use your equipment.\\
'''Sump:''' DAMN YOU, YOU BITCH! Are you telling me I'm off the team!?\\
'''Fowler:''' [[BlatantLies Reluctantly]], sir, yes.\\
'''Sump:''' ''[suddenly no longer angry]'' Oh well, probably just as well. I like to sleep naked when I'm out of doors, don't want you young ladies getting all flushed and dampened, do we? ''[Mina Anwar (Habib) and James Dreyfus (Goody) are [[{{Corpsing}} struggling not to laugh]]]'' Not that I cut quite such a dash as I used to since that savage encounter with a short-sighted squirrel! All right then, off you go, and last one to the summit's a Euro-federalist. '''GO ON!!''' GO AWAY WITH YOU, DAMN YOU! ''[lifts the front of his kilt and flashes all present; they scream and bolt for the door]''
* In "Yuletide Spirit", the homeless travelling New Age hippy couple are an understated riot in pretty much every scene, from their language to the husband's nasally voice.
-->'''Wife:''' My belly is swollen with the fruit of love's seed!\\
[''the husband points to himself and gives Fowler a look like "yup! That was all me!"'']
** When the wife goes into labor, and Patricia and Maggie rush to get her ready.
-->'''Patricia:''' Quick, get her on the table! Goody, get some hot water!\\
'''Maggie:''' Now hold on, Pat. This is ''her'' baby. Let's see what she wants to do.\\
'''Wife:''' [''wistfully''] I want to have it by candlelight!\\
'''Maggie:''' See, now that sounds reasonable-\\
'''Wife:''' In a bath full of warm ewe's milk!\\
'''Husband:''' At Stone Henge!\\
'''Maggie:''' [''seriously, to Patricia''] Get her on the table.
** When the baby's nearly out:
-->'''Patricia:''' There you go! Almost done!\\
'''Husband:''' We should have some drugs.\\
'''Patricia:''' [''happily and proud''] No need. She's doing just fine on her own!\\
'''Husband:''' That's what I'm talking about, I think we should celebrate.
** At one point during the birth, Gladstone walks by the closed door, hearing all the women gasping and moaning inside, then just shakes his head amused and strolls away thinking they're having an orgy inside.
* The RunningGag of Fowler still being awkward around his old school crush, who is now mayoress, and Dawkins' contempt.
** In the football episode, the mayoress tells Fowler that if the upcoming FA Cup match goes well, she will recommend him for an MBE. He faints to the floor in shock and the mayoress tries to revive him by fanning her with her skirt. Dawkins walks in at the wrong moment and Fowler bolts awake, his head ending up in the mayoress' skirt.
* Also from "Kids Today":
-->'''Grim:''' ''(having heard Fowler's idea)'' A camping trip? A bleeding camping trip? Blimey!\\
'''Fowler:''' Am I to take it that you do not approve of my proposed initiative?\\
'''Grim:''' Yes, you may take it Raymond, and you may shove it up your truncheon pouch! Society is collapsing round our ears and Baden Powell 'ere calls for a chorus of "Ging Gang Goolies!"\\
'''Fowler:''' "Ging Gang Goolie".\\
'''Grim:''' What?\\
'''Fowler:''' The Goolies are singular. The song you refer to goes "Ging Gang Goolie Goolie Goolie Goolie Wacha Ging Gang Goo Ging Gang Goo".\\
'''Grim:''' [[SuddenlyShouting Fowler!]] We are discussing youth crime, which will not be solved by shoving a sausage on a stick and whistling "Kum ba yah". It's war out there mate, war and the bleeding kids are winning.\\
'''Fowler:''' It's not war, Derek, or anything of the sort. The vast majority of young people are law-abiding citizens. I admit we don't ''like'' them, but if it were illegal to be sex mad, tone deaf, and impossible to understand we should have to arrest the entire population of [[TakeThat France]].
* Fowler informs an uncooperative young delinquent that he, if he suspects him of possesion of drugs, is entitled to order a full body search, "involving a pair of rubber gloves and a large spoon." [[HilarityEnsues Cooperation ensues]].
* Constable Habib being a YaoiFangirl and pointing out the HoYay in ''Literature/{{Biggles}}'' and ''Literature/SherlockHolmes''.
-->'''Fowler:''' The point of ''Biggles'' and of ''Sherlock Holmes'' is to solve crimes and kill Germans, and by God that should be enough for any man!
* At the end of the episode "Night Shift" where Raymond and Patricia see a sex therapist, something that [[{{Squick}} squicks]] the conservative Raymond out to no end, Patricia is thrilled when Raymond announces that he's finally willing to spice up their sex life. She is somewhat less thrilled when she finds out the reason is that he'll "do ''anything,'' absolutely ''anything,'' [[AnythingButThat if it means I never have to lay eyes on that foul woman again]]!"
** Then there's the scene with the sex therapist itself, partly because of Raymond's responses to her sex-crazed behavior. Said therapist then suggests that Patricia and Raymond will spend the next session wearing nothing but their underwear, but not touching each other (in order to rekindle sexual desire), then decides "Why wait?", and starts stripping in front of the horrified couple. Cut back to the station, where Raymond accidentally calls Habib "Constable [[FreudianSlip Nipple]]".
* Fowler objecting to the term "joyriding":
-->'''Fowler:''' Crime is crime and should not be trivialised. What next? Are we to refer to grievous bodily harm as "fun punching?" Assault with a deadly weapon as "laugh and a stab?".
** Ironic as he is predicting happy-slapping - hitting strangers and recording it on your phone - which became a problem in the UK a few years later.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2nUf8Fq4kA Pretty much all]] of Grim's DoubleEntendre related to his arse:
** "I am involved in serious policework. If you get in the way, I'm responsible. Your cock-up, my arse."
** "Look, this may be a hoax, it may not be. All I know is, if it is genuine, my arse will be on the line, and I don't want a cock-up."
** "You seem to forget Kray, it's my arse on the line, so you'd better pull your finger out!"
** "This is a very important operation. Now it's my arse, and if you stuff it I'm going to end up very red in the face."
** "I'll show these bloody kids, when Grim of Gasforth puts his backside on the line, they can't just stick two fingers up!"
** "Because it's my backside on the line and I'm right up to my neck in it!"
** "Raymond, do not interfere with my decisions. I, and me alone, am responsible for the operational fitness of my officers. It is my arse and I will not have you sticking your nose in and sniffing about!"
* The carol-singing thieves, especially because of how obvious they are. Later on, they run into some actual carolers - then the police rush in, and the thieves take off, leaving the actual carolers to get arrested.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwKThyMmi7I British Gun Control.]]
-->'''Grim:''' I've been looking through the number of firearms certificates you've issued in the last couple of years, Fowler.\\
'''Fowler:''' Ah yes. I think you'll find it comes to a goodly round number.\\
'''Grim:''' Yes, it does: '''none'''.\\
'''Fowler:''' ''[proudly]'' That's right. No more, no less.\\
'''Grim:''' ''Ninety-two'' sponsored applications, none accepted.\\
'''Fowler:''' That is correct.\\
'''Grim:''' Including the bloke I sponsored.\\
'''Fowler:''' Or more accurately, ''particularly'' the bloke you sponsored.\\
'''Grim:''' He is the chief todger of my lodge!\\
'''Fowler:''' ''[Double FascinatingEyebrow]''\\
'''Grim:''' If I can't swing him a permit I'm going to look a right dickie-do-dah, aren't I!\\
'''Fowler:''' I do not approve firearms applications in order to prevent you from looking a dickie-do-dah, Grim. Besides which, I could issue the fellow with a cruise missile permit, and you would ''still'' look like a dickie-do-dah. It is not within my power to prevent you from looking like a dickie-do-dah, only God or a large bag could do that.\\
'''Grim:''' It is your job to vet the applications. You're supposed to ask questions to find out who's a suitable person to own a gun.\\
'''Fowler:''' That's right. And surely the first question must be, "Does that person wish to own a gun".\\
'''Grim:''' Well of course.\\
'''Fowler:''' And if the answer to that is yes, then clearly that person is not a suitable person to have one.\\
'''Grim:''' THIS IS THE NANNY STATE GONE MAD!\\
'''Fowler:''' What, because I don't happen to think that a man who lives in a suburban semi needs an automatic weapon?\\
'''Grim:''' He's a sportsman!\\
'''Fowler:''' Then tell him to buy a pair of plimsolls! Sport!? ''Sport!?'' When did you last see a wild boar in Gasforth? Or an elk? And if you did, dispatching it with a spear or an arrow would be sport, but deploying an elk-seeking missile is just cheating.\\
'''Grim:''' This is a civil liberties issue. You are denying my todger his rights!\\
'''Fowler:''' And what about the rights of those who do not wish to live next to an armed man? Particularly one [[BrotherhoodOfFunnyHats who attends weekly secret meetings in which he puts on a dress and kisses a dead turkey's bottom.]]\\
'''Grim:''' We ''only'' kiss the turkey's bottom on ''special occasions!'' Normally we make do with a chicken nugget! ''[Fowler rolls his eyes impatiently]'' We are talking about the rights of the individual here!\\
'''Fowler:''' Which I consider secondary to those of the community as a whole! This town is a human nest. If you were an ant, would you consider it a matter of hymenopterous civil liberties that a socially dysfunctional worker ant be allowed to keep a pet anteater?\\
'''Grim:''' If it was securely muzzled and tethered, yes I would!\\
'''Fowler:''' Then clearly you are quite mad, Grim. Good day.
* In "Ism Ism Ism", Grim gets annoyed by Fowler's lecture on political correctness.
-->'''Grim''': Police work is about villains, not 'isms'. What 'ism' ever mugged an old lady? What 'ism' ever robbed a bank? What 'ism' ever held a gun to someone's head?\\
'''Boyle''': [[RhetoricalQuestionBlunder Terrorism]]?\\
'''Grim''': [''annoyed''] Yeah, all right. What 'ism' ever threatened the security of the state?\\
'''Boyle''': UsefulNotes/{{Marxism}}?\\
'''Grim''': What 'ism' ever hurt anybody?\\
'''Boyle''': [[{{Sadist}} Sadism]]!\\
'''Grim''': Boyle!
* In the ChristmasEpisode, Fowler gets lingerie from Goody intended for Habib. He tries to talk to his oblivious constable.
-->'''Fowler:''' Do you... ''(clears throat)'' Do you find me attractive?
-->'''Goody:''' ''(stunned, then thinking in desperation)'' Well, sir, er... I don't know, sir. You're always very clean, that's nice.
-->'''Fowler:''' ''(struggling to maintain composure)'' Because if you harbour some secret desire, if - in fact, you do - '''crave me'''. Physically! We must of course have it out in the open!
-->'''Goody:''' Are you propositioning me, sir?!
-->'''Fowler:''' Prop- Don't be disgusting, you foul boy!
-->'''Goody:''' You just said you wanted to have it out in the open!
-->'''Fowler:''' ''(banging on the desk)'' A talk, a talk!
** In the same episode Grim expresses distaste for the pantomime:
-->'''Fowler:''' That is because you have the soul of an amoeba and the imagination of a Pot Noodle.
* When Dawkins and Fowler break up, Boyle tries to take him and Goody out looking for dates at a dance club. Fowler laments he's got no game whatsoever, and Boyle shows them a nice little wink and smooch gesture to catch the ladies' eye. Fowler and Goody try practicing the gesture in a ''very'' awkward and pronounced fashion. When they meet each other's gaze, they're immediately squicked out, then a bouncer walks up to them:
-->'''Bouncer:''' Easy, lads. [[MistakenForGay Gay Night]]'s on Tuesdays.
** Fowler bumps into Dawkins at the club, who is all dressed up.
-->'''Fowler:''' Your legs. They're new, aren't they?