* Most installments of "The Possum Lodge Word Game", but one in particular stands out. The word is "Wolves", and the contestant is Dalton. Every clue Red comes up with gets the same answer: "My wife's side of the family." Finally, Red catches on:
-->'''Red''': Your wife's side of the family ''eating''.
-->'''Dalton''': ''Wolves!''
* In one "Possum Lodge Word Game", Red repeatedly tries to get Dougie to guess "Canada". After giving up in frustration, he holds up the card and says the word. Dougie says, "Oh, that's still a country?" Made even funnier by the show actually taking place ''in'' Canada (which was one of Red's hints).
** Dougie gets another one. After failing to make him guess "Love", Red says "I can't believe you can't guess this word!". Dougie implies that he knew the word all along by saying "Well, Red. There hasn't been a woman alive that could make me say it, and even though you're a handsome man, you can't make me say it either!"
* Another Red-Dalton exchange from the Word Game:
-->'''Red''': Let's say your wife has a fancy dinner planned—
-->'''Dalton''': KFC!
** From the same Word Game (the answer is "HAND"):
-->'''Red''': Five fingers.
-->'''Dalton''': Five angry drivers!
* In another Word Game (the answer is "TEENAGER"):
-->'''Red''': To you, this person gets away with murder.
-->'''Dalton''': ''(excitedly)'' [=OJ=] Simpson!
* Harold is starting a Word Game in "The Network Deal": "Dalton, you have 30 seconds to get my uncle Red to say this--", then sees the word ("SEX") and starts freaking out. Dalton, confused as ever, starts coughing. Red, looking amongst them, dryly guesses "sex". Harold whoops loudly while Dalton rings the bell to end the game in a rather sarcastic way.
* In another Word Game, Ranger Gord is playing the game. As soon as Harold says go, Gord just starts [[WildMassGuessing shouting out random words]]. He ends up saying the word, "NOSTRIL", on a blind guess.
* A Possum Lodge Word Game, Red is trying to get Winston to guess the word "artificial", and in typical formula fails horribly until the last moment when he has a stroke of brilliance:
-->'''Red:''' Oh! Winston, do you remember that cheerleader you dated? The one with the great body?\\
'''Winston:''' (immediately becomes sad and hangs his head) ...Artificial.
* Another Possum Lodge Word Game, with Mike trying to guess "slip".
-->'''Red:''' This is something that people are afraid will happen to them in the shower.\\
(Extremely long, awkward pause, as Mike's expression says it all.)\\
'''Mike:''' ...At home, or [[PrisonRape in prison]]?\\
'''Red:''' At home.\\
'''Mike:''' Oh. Slip.
* Yet another Word Game, where Dalton tries to guess "paranoid":
-->'''Red:''' You have two slippers. That makes a...\\
'''Dalton:''' ...pair.\\
'''Red:''' Someone bugs you, you get...\\
'''Dalton:''' ...annoyed.\\
'''Red:''' Put 'em together, put 'em together.\\
'''Dalton:''' Are you saying someone is stealing my slippers to annoy me? ''({{Beat}})'' You know, it's probably my neighbor! He's trying to get me! He thinks I sneak into his house at night and rearrange his furniture.\\
'''Red:''' Okay, and he thinks that way because he's...\\
'''Dalton:''' ''(smugly)'' ...caught me ''doing'' it.
* In one Possum Lodge Word Game segment, Kevin tries to get Red to guess the word "sushi":
-->'''Kevin:''' When you go to a Japanese restaurant, what do you eat?\\
'''Red:''' I don't go to a Japanese restaurant.\\
'''Kevin:''' I know you don't, but if you did, what would you eat?\\
'''Red:''' Pizza.\\
'''Kevin:''' They don't serve pizza.\\
'''Red:''' I bring it with me.\\
'''Kevin:''' They don't let you do that.\\
'''Red:''' That's why I don't go!
* In another Possum Lodge Word Game, Red tries to get Edgar to guess the word "unsafe":
-->'''Red:''' If you just leave dynamite lying around, that would be...\\
'''Edgar:''' Oh, handy.\\
'''Red:''' But let's say nutbars and lunatics get a hold of dynamite. Then that would be...\\
'''Edgar:''' ...Texas.
* In yet another Possum Lodge Word Game, Red tries to get Ranger Gord to guess the word "water":
-->'''Red:''' This is something you drink.\\
'''Gord:''' Vinegar and sap.\\
'''Red:''' No, sorry, that was my fault. This is something ''normal'' people drink.\\
'''Gord:''' Beer.\\
'''Red:''' Okay, but this has no taste to it.\\
'''Gord:''' ''American'' beer?
* Just the goofy way moderator Harold [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5oV6vhY1PY&t=4m52s announces]] the word "dead" in the "Possum Lodge Word Game" from "The Winter Carnival".
* The "Word Game" from the season 6 opener is one of the best ever for the show, and that's saying something. The word is "father".
--> '''Red''': All right, Mike, your mother is married to...\\
'''Mike''': [[MarriedToTheJob Uh, her job. Exotic dancing's her life.]]\\
'''Red''': Alright, okay, okay, I'm talking about, the man who take care of you when you were young was your...\\
'''Mike''': Truant officer.\\
'''Red''': No, this– this is a family member, Mike. The man who slept with your mother.\\
'''Mike''': [[ReallyGetsAround ...Could you be more specific?]]\\
'''Red''': Okay, growing up with just a mom, you knew you had a...\\
'''Mike''': Curfew.\\
'''Red''': Another word for "daddy".\\
'''Mike''': Lifer.\\
'''Red''': Alright, alright, Mike, if your wife has kids, you'll be...\\
'''Mike''': Long gone.\\
'''Red''': Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Just like your...\\
'''Mike''': Father.\\
'''Red''': There we go! ''(repeatedly rings bell)''
* Two Word Game moments with Buzz...
** In one, he has to guess the word "breakfast":
-->'''Red:''' On your birthday, your girlfriend brings you ''something'' in bed.\\
'''Buzz:''' ''(leans in close, surprised)'' You want me to say ''that?!''
** In another, he has to guess the word "nudist":
-->'''Red:''' If a woman doesn't believe in wearing clothes, you would call her a...\\
'''Buzz:''' ''(ecstatic)'' [[AManIsAlwaysEager A lot!]]
* Whenever [[{{Keet}} Mike announces that it is time for the Word Game]], it's guaranteed hilarity.
* On one episode, Red says that he wants to take up astronomy. Harold [[NoFourthWall turns to the audience]] and says, "Well, he's always been good at staring off into space."
* On one episode, the Possum Lodge trades places with a community in Iowa. Turns out all of the Iowans are Expys of the Possum Lodge members. Cue Red meeting expys of Dalton, Winston and Mike... then ''himself'', prompting a little bit of anger.
-->'''Red''': ''(addressing his wife at the end)'' That man is NOT me! When I hop into bed tonight, you better check my personal ID and I think you know what I mean by that!
* Some of Red's campfire songs. One example:
-->♪ Oh, a horse with a horn's called a unicorn\\
♪ A horse with stripes is called a zebra\\
♪ A horse with wings is called a pegasus\\
♪ And a horse with a broken leg is called glue♪
* And another:
-->♪ Oh, the mountain is high and the valley is low\\
♪ It's the laws of nature that make it so\\
♪ If the valley is high and the mountain is low\\
♪ You're either upside down or drunk or both♪
* And a third:
-->'''Red''':♪ Did you ever have a dream that you were falling\\
♪ Well, chances are you're not really falling\\
♪ Unless you fell asleep skydiving\\
♪ And that's not really recommended♪
-->'''Harold''': If you read the instructions, you'd know that.
* And a fourth, from "The New Doctor":
-->'''Red''':♪ Fingers are handy, you must understand\\
♪ You can do more things with your fingers than you can count on one hand\\
♪ Work with them, point with them, pick with them, scratch\\
♪ But if you give a big guy the finger, you may not get it back♪
* And who could forget that classic Christmas carol: "Cheesy, the Christmas Rat"?
-->(Brackets indicate Harold singing)\\
♪ He comes down the chimney on Christmas Eve\\
♪ After we've all gone to bed\\
♪ He's not all that nice or jolly\\
♪ Until after he's been fed\\
♪ He's got beady eyes, and yellow teeth\\
♪ And his fur drops off when he moults\\
♪ His tail kinda wiggles and dances and jiggles\\
♪ Like a snake takin' 300 volts!\\
♪ He's Cheesy! (Cheesy!) The Christmas Rat\\
♪ Long and smelly and pretty darn fat\\
♪ Cheesy! (Cheesy!) The Christmas Rat\\
♪ Dropping a little surprise in your hat\\
♪ He comes with a gift! You don't have to beg!\\
♪ He's here to give everyone bubonic plague!\\
♪ Cheesy! (Cheesy!) The Christmas Rat\\
♪ And that's why everybody..... should have a gun! ♪\\
Merry Christmas.
* And this sixth one:
-->♪ Oh, the twins can sleep on the table
-->♪ And Aunt Helen can sleep in the chair
-->♪ Uncle Toby just sucked down my beer,
-->♪ So he can sleep pretty much anywhere as far as I'm...
-->♪ Joyce has camped out in the boathouse
-->♪ Fritz has the kitchen floor
-->♪ And that brand new little baby is looking kind of dangerous,
-->♪ So he can sleep in the silverware drawer
-->♪ Oh, my sisters can bunk in with Mum
-->♪ I'll sleep in an orange crate
-->♪ Fred and John and Bruce and Lon
-->♪ Al and Tom and Joe and Don
-->♪ Can sleep in the car and asphyxiate
-->♪ It's okay to rent a cottage
-->♪ With the sun shining down on the lake
-->♪ But telling all your friends and relatives
-->♪ Believe me, is a big mistake ♪
** The one about wrinkly dogs from "Harold's Leaving":
-->♪ Well have you ever seen a wrinkled dog, covered with creases and folds?
-->♪ Either too much skin or not enough bones, it makes him look tired and old.
-->♪ A wrinkly dog seemed odd to me, kinda dangerous jumpin' a fence.
-->♪ But since I put on a pound or two, extra skin makes a lot more sense.
** The one about dating a librarian:
-->♪ Oh she worked at the local library, though we had never met,
-->♪ I was walking, it started to rain, and I'd rather be bored than wet.
-->♪ So I ducked inside the library door, and saw her stamping some books.
-->♪ My decimals all got Dewey, when she gave me that literary look.
-->♪ Oh I pretended I liked reading books, as I asked her out to the dance,
-->♪ She classified me as fiction, and then later that moved to romance.
-->♪ You can't judge a book by its cover, that librarian had me astounded.
-->♪ She had both brains and beauty, not just well read, but well rounded.
-->♪ Love is hard to read, and librarians are often fickle.
-->♪ I returned her home ten minutes late, and she had the nerve to fine me a nickel!
** Red's comfortable with himself:
-->♪ Oh, I like honey, I like jam,
-->♪ I like myself just the way I am.
-->♪ I don't mind the pimples and I don't mind the warts,
-->♪ And I really don't care how bad I look in shorts.
-->♪ I got skinny arms and a great big nose,
-->♪ I got hair in my ears and hair on my toes.
-->♪ People say I'm ugly, but I don't make a fuss,
-->♪ 'Cause I always get a seat by myself. On the bus.
** Here's yet another campfire song:
-->♪ Oh, there are certain things you should never do\\
♪ Like donate things that you find on your shoe\\
♪ Don't have a nap in the middle of the road\\
♪ And don't ever lick a toad\\
♪ No, don't lick a toad, don't lick it\\
♪ You're better off to just kick it\\
♪ Or better still, leave it alone, it wasn't bothering you any\\
♪ No, don't lick a toad, don't lick it\\
♪ Just say no to toads♪
** And this one:
-->♪ How smart can you be?\\
♪ You'll never know 'til you try.\\
♪ How far can you go?\\
♪ You'll never know 'til you try.\\
♪ Are you slow or are you quick?\\
♪ You'll never know until you poke a mountain lion with a stick.♪
* Yet another campfire song:
-->'''Red:'''♪ Oh, your kite got caught in a high-tension wire.\\
♪ You thought you could get it down.\\
♪ So you leaned your ladder up against the pole,\\
♪ And you heard a funny sound.\\
♪ You climbed and you climbed way up to the top\\
♪ Where the ladder touched the transformer.\\
♪ You grabbed the wire to free your kite\\
♪ And you noticed your hand getting warmer.\\
'''Red and Harold:''' ''(in unison)'' ♪ Ohhhhhh...\\
'''Red:''' ♪ Sparks flew out and away you went,\\
♪ With one arm noticeably enlarged.\\
♪ Now, normally, the cops would make an arrest,\\
♪ But they can see you've already been charged. ♪
* From "Swiss It Up":
-->'''Red:'''♪ Oh, he popped a wheelie right there by the door, the tires are smokin' good.\\
♪ He misses a shift from second to third, and a flame pops up under the hood!\\
♪ He hits the wall in a four-wheel drift, but that's the price you pay,\\
♪ When you go to the fancy hotel in town, and you hand your car keys to the valet.
* The very first campfire song, about skinnydipping:
--> '''Red''': ♪ On a clear summer night when the warm summer breeze\\
♪ comes down to the water and rustles the trees\\
♪ The bunch of us meet there and... strip to the buff\\
♪ 'Cause boys will be boys, and enough is enough\\
♪ We go skinnydippin'\\
♪ Flop and flippin'\\
♪ When nature's callin'\\
♪ We go cannonballin'\\
♪ Heart rate rises, spirit soars, the moon you see might even be yours\\
♪ Skinnydippin'\\
♪ Slappin' my butt on the lake. ♪
* A trip to the family cottage:
--> ♪ '''Red''': Oh, we're headin' for the cottage at the break of dawn,\\
♪ Got our seatbelt buckled and our helmets on.\\
♪ Daddy's in a bad mood, mommy's in a funk,\\
♪ Got the boat on the roof and the dog in the trunk.\\
♪ Oh, we're headin' to the cottage and the traffic's gettin' tight,\\
♪ Car's gettin' hot and there's gonna be a fight.\\
♪ So I'm starin' out the window, bein' as quiet as I get,\\
♪ 'Cause I don't want my last words to be, "Are we there yet?!"
* Moose Thompson with no shirt:
--> ♪ '''Red''': There's no excuse, but here comes Moose,\\
♪ and he hasn't got a shirt on.\\
♪ Like a kodiak with his hairy back,\\
♪ and a week and a half of dirt on.\\
♪ Oh there's a big roll of fat, holds his smokes and that,\\
♪ It's sure not a sight to please,\\
♪ I'm also told that one his rolls\\
♪ holds his wallet and his snowmobile keys.\\
♪ Oh, there's all his tattoos out there to view,\\
♪ some of them are really groovy,\\
♪ and it's really neat when he walks down the street...\\
♪ '''Red and Harold''': ...It's like bein' at a drive-in movie!♪
* In "The Firewood Project":
-->♪ Trapper Jack was huntin' bear,\\
♪ A dangerous hobby at best.\\
♪ They brought him back to the doctor in town,\\
♪ And he was a heck of a mess.\\
♪ There was some assembly required,\\
♪ Mostly teeth and bones and hair.\\
♪ Jack had always been good with a knife,\\
♪ But unfortunately, not quite as good as the bear.
* In "Father and Son Banquet":
-->♪ People thought I was line-dancing when I jumped up and spun on the chair.\\
♪ So they joined in and did what I did, kicking one foot in the air.\\
♪ We danced in a line out the front door and down by the cedar grove.\\
♪ It turned out I wasn't line-dancing at all, I had just stubbed my toe on the stove. ♪
* This one about Old Man Sedgwick from "Fire Brigade":
--> ♪ '''Red''': Shoulda seen Old Man Sedgwick last night,\\
♪ Dancing in the lodge by the pale moonlight.\\
♪ He jumped on the table and hopped through the stew,\\
♪ He leaped on the mantle and yelled twice and through a shoe.\\
♪ He jigged on the wood stove and burned off his sock,\\
♪ He danced out the front door and splashed off the dock.\\
♪ He bounced on the bottom, going way down the lake.\\
♪ Man, when he gets a charlie horse, it's a dandy! ♪
* In one episode, Red and Dalton both wrench their backs and go to a masseuse, who makes them both feel much better. Mike Hamar also goes there just because. At the end of the episode, Red and Dalton both discover that the masseuse is [[spoiler:really an undercover cop... a MALE undercover cop in drag, no less]], they are both {{Squick}}ed, but Mike seems fine. When he does his sign-off, Red tells his wife that if she is home, which he hopes for once she is not, he'll go home to bathe in boiling bleach, and adds, "And to the rest of you... sorry you watched!" At the lodge meeting, after they say, "I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess," Red quickly adds, "But not ''that'' much!"
* In the movie, when everyone rises at the courthouse, Edgar folds his arms over himself and starts to say "Quando omni flunkus moritati" before the others cut him off.
* When Red and Harold return from the local science fair, completely blackened and singed down one side of their bodies.
-->'''Red''': Whose project exploded?
-->'''Harold''': You mean the first time?
* In one early episode (Season 3), Red started a volunteer fire brigade. The audience couldn't stop laughing when he entered having just put out the first fire. (It was the ''fire truck'', yet.) Harold becomes amused at Red's misfortune, to which Red promptly blasts Harold with his fire extinguisher. Red then discusses how the fire truck got burned (they kept on painting it to try to match their local fire department until the paint ran off the vehicle and came in contact with a barbecue). In closing:
-->'''Red''': Now the truck is not red or yellow anymore, it's just more of a basic black. Now the question is, what can you do with a useless, burned-out wreck?\\
'''Harold''': Well, you could make it host of its own show!
* During the lodge luau:
-->'''Red''': Shouldn't you be out there surfing?
-->'''Harold''': I'm not leaving till that fire is out!
-->'''Red''': What do you care, you're on Possum Lake.
-->'''Harold''': That's what's on fire!
* And then there is the Handyman Corner segment from one Season 3 episode in which Red creates, as only he can, some anniversary gifts for his wife, including a lady shaver and a hair dryer, both of which he experiments on Harold. The lady shaver part is particularly priceless: Red sticks a strip of duct tape on Harold's leg and then snaps it off. After an obviously-pained Harold tells Red that it didn't hurt, he leaves, after which he just [[ScreamsLikeALittleGirl screaming in pain]].
* Red tries to make a movie about himself and holds auditions. After going through several people auditioning for the parts of Red and Harold, he gets to Edgar Montrose...who auditions to play ''Bernice''. Red immediately shouts "Next!"
* In one segment, [[TheMunchausen Hap]] laments the fact that there's so much crap on TV today, that it almost makes him sorry he invented it. Red butts in, "Invented what, Hap? Crap?"
* A quick one from Buzz Sherwood, parodying ''ForrestGump'':
-->My mama always said, "Buzz, life is like a box of chocolates. [[SuddenlyShouting SO]] ''[[SuddenlyShouting PIG OUT!!]]''"\\
''(Buzz laughs maniacally as he stuffs his mouth full of chocolates and then shows it off to the camera)''
* The quickest lodge meeting ever at the end of "The Drive-Thru" after the gang has found out [[spoiler: they've been making burgers [[IAteWhat out of aphrodisiacs for bulls]].]]
-->'''Red''': I'm thinking Harold is in for a rough night. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I mean ''straight home!''
* In "The Beef Project", a local farmer died. In a scene after Red came back after the reading of the will, Red says the lodge inherited a manure pile.
-->'''Red''': So we do not come out of it empty handed. We are now the heirs of manure.
-->'''Harold''': Have you ever ''smelled'' the air of manure?
** Later, after it is learned that Junior inherited a cow that they plan to butcher and eat, Red announces that they are bringing the cow over to the lodge to get the job done:
--->'''Red:''' Stinky's bringing the cow over in the back seat of his 1969 Cadillac. He's got twice as much legroom there, which is good, 'cause the cow's got twice as much leg.\\
'''Harold:''' ''(shocked and disgusted)'' Stinky's putting a ''farm animal'' in the back of his ''Cadillac''!? What about the smell?\\
'''Red:''' The cow didn't seem to mind.
* The Adventure segment where Bill, Harold, and Walter go to [[spoiler: what they think is a nude beach]]. It's even funnier if you just listen to Red's narration.
* Beginning of the episode [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wE6qdypK1a4 "Snowed In"]], Red demonstrates how to cheat your way through a physical exam by using helium to reduce your weight by inflating a pool floaty in your clothes. However, his plan backfires when the floaty explodes the moment he gets in the van. Red then exclaims [[OhTheHumanity "Oh the humanity!"]] in [[HeliumSpeech a helium voice]].
* In one of his stand-up specials, Red names this as his favourite poem that they did on the show:
-->It is February 2nd\\
A groundhog comes out of his hole and sees a shadow\\
[[OhCrap It is the shadow of my right front tire]]\\
That means winter will last for another 6 weeks\\
But not for him!
* During the Red Green New Year's special, Red uses toaster elements to make a light-up New Year's Eve message. It reads, "TOAST YOURSELF AT NEW YEARS EVE". Unfortunately, most of the toaster elements short out, and the few remaining lit elements now read, "YOU F AT ARS E".
* In the Adventures With Bill segment of "The Badger Project", Bill tries to trap a snake, only for it to [[SquirrelsInMyPants get in his pants]]. Red then takes a bat and tries to take a whack at Bill's pants. During this time, Red as narrator says, "Here's something I've always wanted to do! Go for it, Red!"
* Any of Hap's tall tales. Pick one.
** In the season 6 opener, Hap tells Red and Harold that he invented basketball (the real inventor of basketball, James Naesmith, was apparently Hap's C.I.A. cover name), and Red and Harold look at each other, perplexed:
--->'''Harold:''' I'm finding [what Hap says] very hard to believe.\\
'''Red:''' That's because you're listening.
*** Then, when Hap continues to insist that he invented basketball and Harold continues to protest, Red cuts in:
---->'''Red:''' No, maybe Hap is right. Remember that time he was up on the drunk and disorderly, dribbling all over the court?
* In "Guinness World Records", Winston tries to break the record for most coffee drank. Of course, this makes him wiry and a MotorMouth. This culminates at the Possum Lodge meeting, where he says the "Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati" and men's prayer ''much'' faster than everybody else.
-->'''Red:''' ''(to Winston)'' Boy, I hope your girlfriend's out of town.
* In "Step Outside", Red's repeated advice to Harold, who's being bullied: "Just ''nail'' him."
* In "Free Apricots", Red is queasy from eating so many bad apricots, and Harold just makes it worse by listing all the things one can do at an apricot festival. Red gets more and more sickly while Harold talks, leading to this:
--> '''Red''': ''(softly)'' Don't say the word "apricot".\\
'''Harold''': Am I pronouncing it wrong? Apricot. Apricot.\\
''(Red groans and runs outside to throw up)''
* "Too Much Information": Dalton becomes obsessed with the new computer in the lodge, while Red is less enthused:
--> '''Dalton''': Y'know, Red, there's way more to computers than this, though. C'mon over here, Red, and I'll show you how the Internet works!\\
'''Red''': Oh, I know, www.sitonyourbuttfortwelvehoursaday.com!
* In "Step Outside", Edgar fondly recalls a time when he was called on to blow up a flour mill in Port Asbestos:
--> '''Edgar''': To flatten that flour mill and not even scratch the gas station right next door...\\
'''Red''': Gas station? No, next to the flour mill, you have the old railway shed there, then there's the bowling alley, then you've got the fountain, and ''then'' there's the gas station. It's not next door to the flour mill.\\
'''Edgar''': It is now.
* At the end of "Hurricane Doug", a huge storm hits the Possum Lodge area, prompting Dalton and Mike to bolt downstairs. Red soon follows, after delivering an abridged version of his sign-off catchphrase:
--> '''Red''': ''(quickly and nervously)'' If my wife is watching, see ya later! Keep your stick on the ice! ''(runs)''
** Then, at the meeting downstairs, after they say their usual Man's Prayer, there is a crash of thunder outside and the room is plunged into darkness, prompting Red to cry out, "I SAID I'LL CHANGE!!!"
* The "Red's Sage Advice" from "The Battle Call" (about a woman asking, "Do I look old?") has a great line:
--> '''Red''': She knows she looks old, and she knows ''you know'' she looks old. What she's concerned about is that you're gonna be ''unhappy'' because she looks old. So when she asks, "Do I look old?", give her an answer that puts her mind at ease, say, "You look perfect to me, honey," or "Not through these eyes," rather than "Don't worry about it, I never look at you."
* At the beginning "No Duct Tape", after rummaging through a locker full of empty rolls of duct tape, Red freaks out:
-->'''Red''': ...We're out of duct tape, Dalton!\\
'''Dalton:''' Try and stay calm, Red.\\
** [[ComicalOverreacting "This has never happened before! I may have to shut down the whole Lodge!"]]
** So Dalton calls the hardware store to order some duct tape (Red frantically says that it's number 1 on the speed dial), but receives some bad news:
-->'''Dalton:''' They're on back order. They won't have duct tape for two weeks.\\
'''Red:''' ''(on the verge of a meltdown)'' Two weeks? ''Without duct tape??''\\
'''Dalton:''' Red, hold it together. Hold it together.\\
'''Red:''' ''(screaming)'' ''HOLD IT TOGETHER WITH WHAT?!?!''
** Due to the duct tape shortage, Red and co. are reduced to re-using old duct tape on new projects. It doesn't work so well, as Red demonstrates when Dalton lays a piece on a canoe. Red simply blows it off.
** Mike comes in, claiming to have a roll of duct tape, and Red is ecstatic. But then he inspects it closer:
--> '''Red''': Wait a minute. Hold it. This isn't duct tape; it's ''masking'' tape painted gray! It's not the same thing, Mike! It's not the same thing. [[HeelRealization Aw, Mike, sorry I snapped at ya there.]] I haven't had duct tape in over three hours!
** In the same episode, Red gives in and grabs the emergency roll of duct tape, only for it to crumble into dust almost immediately.
** The [[OnceAnEpisode "sit down/all rise!" bit]]: [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naJ18PUo55o&t=21m43s Dalton doesn't even fully sit down himself before commanding, "ALL RISE!"]]
* In the "Handyman Corner" in "The Fishing Derby", Red demonstrates how to make a cup of coffee using your lawnmower. The queasy look on his face when he samples it is priceless. Moments before, he says, "Another advantage with using a lawnmower as a coffee maker is, you can say to your guests, 'Who wants ''[[IncrediblyLamePun mower]]'' coffee?'"
* In the "Experts" segment on "Possum Lodge Provincial Park":
--> '''Harold''': "Dear experts: Now that I'm older, I've noticed that certain parts of my body don't function as well as they used to."\\
'''Red''': ''(disgusted)'' Oh for...\\
''(Dalton covers his ears)''
* The ending of "Snowed In", where, due to the snowstorm, the only ones at the Possum Lodge meeting are Red, Harold, Dalton, and Mike.
* In "Dalton's Hot Gift", Mike gets a great deal on a barbecue and asks the Lodge members to chip in and buy it as a birthday present for Dalton. Meanwhile, Dalton complains that an identical barbecue was stolen from his store and declares that whoever took it is going to pay big time. Naturally, Red jumps to the logical conclusion that [[StickyFingers Mike]] stole it and refuses to believe him when Mike insists that he didn't. Red ends up painting the barbecue a hideous shade of yellow trying to disguise it. At the end, they give the barbecue to Dalton, but he says he doesn't need it, because it turns out that Anne-Marie had taken the other barbecue from his store and gave ''it'' to him as a birthday present. In response, [[NotMeThisTime Mike]] gives Red a DeathGlare that [[OverlyLongGag lasts well into the lodge meeting]].
-->'''Red:''' ''[[OnceAnEpisode (addressing his wife at the end)]]'' I've been reminded tonight of our dating years, 'cause Mike was looking at me exactly the way your dad used to.
-->'''Red:''' ''(seeing Mike still glowering at him at the meeting)'' I'm '''''sorry''''', okay??
* In "Possum Air", the lodge has set up an airline service, with Harold as the pilot and Dalton (acting as a boarding clerk) being rude and surly, "just like a real airport". In the same scene, the passengers being called by numbers, starting with "1"... and Red is "2". And then Harold comes in and does a hilarious [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfaGuo0sNLY&t=12m37s nervous chuckle]] before informing Dalton that there would be yet another delay.
--> '''Red''': Come on, Harold! If I had taken the Possum Van, I'd be halfway there by now, if it started.
* The "Adventures With Bill" where [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rieRkXQ_xPc&t=13m8s Bill and Harold go ice fishing]]. To do this, they drill a hole using a power auger, which sadly has a bad habit of binding and spinning them around.
--> '''Red''': Boys, she's bindin'! She's bindin'! She'll spin ya!
* In "The Experts" segment of "The Driving Lesson", Dalton starts out by providing the secret to dieting: to vary your kinds of meat. But then, he rambles on about him eating as many as 17 different kinds of meat in a week. It turns out that he and his family eat roadkill. He and Red have a field day with this, such as serving meals on a hubcap or painting a white line down the center of the table. Harold finally cuts in:
-->'''Harold:''' I hope you two clowns just remember, you are what you eat.\\
'''Red:''' Yeah, that's true, Harold. Tell us some more about your vegetables.
* In the opening for "Red's Hot Sauce", Red mixes up his own BlazingInfernoHellfireSauce for a lodge barbecue. It consists mostly of ketchup, with some various hot peppers thrown in and some other ingredients, including the "secret ingredient", which was some blue goop in an unlabelled container (later found out to be jet fuel). To demonstrate how hot it is, Dalton tastes a little bit on a toothpick and nearly doubles over in pain from the heat. Then Harold tastes a big spoonful -- and is reduced to [[ScreamsLikeALittleGirl shrieking his head off with his tongue hanging out]] as he runs around looking for a source of water to put the fire in his mouth out.
* In one of his Sage Advice columns, Red compares life to finding a half-decent parking spot, what he calls the Seven Stages of Parking:
## You're a kid, and all you have to park is your butt.
## You're a teenager, and you're out parking with a girl who has a good chance of being your future wife.
## You're married with kids, and you're out parking at a UsefulNotes/McDonalds with a play area.
## The kids have grown, and they're working, coincidentally, at [=McDonald's=]. Meanwhile, you went out and bought a sports car, and you're caught parking with a girl who has no chance of being your future wife.
## You're now parking in the garage, where you're also living.
## You're old; no license, no car, no parking spot.
## You're parked -- permanently. You have your own parking spot. It even has your name on it.
** The lesson, Red concludes, is that life is short, "so grab your shifter, move it out of park, and throw it into gear."