-->'''Charly:''' [[AreYouPonderingWhatImPondering Are you thinking what I'm thinking?]] \\
'''Mitch:''' I hope not, 'cause I'm thinking about [[GroinAttack how much my balls hurt]]!
* Charly/Sam and Caitlin are trapped in the freezer, and Charly is about to break them out:
--> '''Caitlin:''' Mommy, am I gonna die?.
--> '''Charly/Samantha:''' Oh, no, baby, no. You're not going to die... they are. (''lights the match'') Cover your ears. Hey, should we get a dog?
* When Mitch first meets Sam in the "Charly" persona, and she rips off his bandage after [[DistractedByTheSexy distracting him by showing him her breasts]]. She says it's "the same principle as with deflowering virgins":
--> '''Charly:''' I read it in this Harold Robbins novel. The guy bites her on the ear, distracts her from the pain. You ever try that?
--> '''Mitch:''' (''stares incredulously'') No, I sock 'em in the jaw and yell "pop goes the weasel!"
* The look Mitch gives Caitlin when she says [[CaptainObvious "Don't hit the cars!"]] as they drive away from a massive explosion and burning wrecks are raining down around them.
* Mitch and Sam are running from assassins and take cover on a landing.
--> '''Mitch''' (''slightly panicked'') OK I've got three shots left in the revolver, you've got a full clip, just point, and spray.
--> (''Grenade lands next to them'')
--> '''Mitch''' (''very panicked'') Fuck it, run for your life!
** They escape said grenade by running down the hallway and jumping through the window after Sam shoots it using Mitch's revolver; then, in midair, Sam uses her MP-5 to shoot the frozen lake below them to break up the ice.
--> '''Sam''' (dazed, as they climb out of the lake): What happened?!
--> '''Mitch:''' I saved your life! It was great!
* Waldman's conversation with his wife.
-->'''Waldman:''' Alice, please. Your dog, Alice. It and my appetite are mutually exclusive.
-->'''Alice:''' What's wrong with the dog?
-->'''Waldman:''' Simple: he's been licking his asshole for the last three straight hours. I submit to you that there is nothing there worth more than an hour's attention. I should think that whatever he's attempting to dislodge is either gone for good or there to stay.
* When Mitch calls Samantha out on her bad language.
-->'''Samantha:''' What, are you a Mormon?
-->'''Mitch:''' Yeah, I'm a Mormon. That's why I just smoked a pack of Newports and drank three vodka tonics.
* Mitch busts a crook with a prostitute, and when he tries to bargain he says this in front of her:
-->"I can tell by your choice of hookers you're not a wealthy man."
** What makes that scene even funnier is that she's not really a prostitute; she's Mitch's business partner.
* Mitch's way of trying to get someone to shut up:
-->"I will see to it you spend the next ten years in prison [[PrisonRape getting assfucked]], and if the case is thrown out because my arrest was too violent, [[CrossesTheLineTwice I will personally hire a man to assfuck you for the next ten years]], so if you're an assfucking fan, you go ahead and mouth off."
* When Charly notices that blood is seeping through the bandage over Mitch's wound, she distracts him by opening her bathrobe and flashing him before ripping the bandage off. The bug-eyed look on Mitch's face when Charly flashes him is funny, but what really makes the scene hilarious is the ensuing conversation.
-->'''Mitch:''' Oh, shit! Ah, that hurt like shit!
-->'''Charly:''' I know. That's why I distracted you first. Same principle as deflowering virgins.
-->'''Mitch:''' Huh? What? Virgin? What?
-->'''Charly:''' It's something I read about in this Harold Robbins book. The guy bites her on the ear. Distracts from the pain. Ever try that?
-->'''Mitch:''' No, I just sock 'em in the jaw and yell "pop goes the weasel!"