* It builds up slowly, but the scene in Philip's room involving increasing numbers of people behind tapestries is so absurd it's hilarious. But that's [[LampshadeHanging what tapestries are for...]]
* Eleanor, describing Rosamund: "Her eyes in certain light were violet, and all her teeth were even. That's a rare, fair feature: even teeth. She smiled to excess, but she ''chewed'' with real distinction."
** In case it wasn't clear, Eleanor just ''[[BlatantLies loved]]'' Rosamund.
--> '''Henry''': Rosamund's been dead for seven years.
--> '''Eleanor''': Two months and eighteen days. [[LampshadeHanging I never liked her much.]]
--> '''Henry''': You count the days?
--> '''Eleanor''': I made the numbers up.
* After another massive screaming match with Henry, Eleanor sums up the whole plot in the ultimate understatement:
-->'''Eleanor:''' Oh, well. What family doesn't have its ups and downs?
* Eleanor's trolling Henry:
--> '''Henry:''' Let's have a tally of the bedspreads you've spread out on.
--> '''Eleanor:''' [[BerserkButton Thomas Becket.]]
--> '''Henry:''' That's a lie!
* The entire family is finally assembled again for Christmas, to which Henry comments "What shall we hang, the holly or each other?"
* John is the CaptainObvious in a family full of {{Deadpan Snarker}}s:
--> '''John:''' A knife! He's got a knife!
--> '''Eleanor:''' Of course he has a knife! He always has a knife! We all have knives! It's 1183 and we're barbarians!
* Just the walk to the chapel is a masterclass of snark, with everyone getting in a witty barb -- save, of course, for John. ("I never cease to ''marvel'' at the ''quickness'' of your mind.") An incredulous Alais proclaims it's just one of Henry's stunts. Henry proudly insists it's not.
--> '''Alais:''' You'll never give me up.
--> '''Henry:''' You think I won't?
--> '''Alais''': Because you ''told'' me so!
--> '''Henry:''' You're not my Helen, I'm not going to fight a war to save a face!
--> '''Alais:''' I don't believe you!
--> '''Henry:''' ''Wait ten minutes.''
* The scene in the chapel is this, since everyone stands in a line side by side whilst shouting at each other, as John and Geoffrey watch in growing amusement and stifled laughter. Richard and Henry get some of the best of it:
--> '''Richard:''' I'll have the crown.
--> '''Henry:''' You'll have what Daddy gives you.
--> '''Richard''' ''(incredibly frustrated, nearly shrieking): I am next in line!''
--> '''Henry:''' ''To nothing!''
** When Richard storms off after declaring he intends to escape the castle, it takes John a moment to realise the implications: "My ''god,'' I'm king again!!!"
** Alais, Eleanor and Henry are left alone in the chapel after everyone's either stormed, skipped or scurried off. Eleanor coolly remarks that Henry played it nicely; he, while lounging on the steps leading up to the altar, retorts: "Yes, I did; I fooled you, didn't I? Oh, dear ''god,'' but I do ''love'' being king!"
* This exchange between Henry II and Phillip:
--> '''Henry''': The Vexin's mine.
--> '''Phillip''': By what authority?
--> '''Henry''': It's got my troops all over it. That makes it mine.
* '''Geoffrey''': "“I know. You know I know. I know you know I know. We know Henry knows, and Henry knows we know it. [[DeadpanSnarker We're a knowledgeable family.]]”

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